Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Often Fear Their Emotions

Many people, especially people who were traumatized as children, are afraid to feel the full range of their feelings, especially feelings they're uncomfortable with.   If they feel sad, angry, fearful, hurt, or ashamed, they often want to do whatever they can to suppress and avoid sensing these feelings.  

Adults Who Were Traumatized as Children Often Fear Their Emotions

Being willing to feel all their feelings, and not just the ones they feel comfortable with, isn't easy.  Of course, it's understandable that most of us would rather experience happy feelings, but it's not humanly possible to always feel happy.  So, it's important to develop the capacity to feel, tolerate and accept all feelings rather than pushing them down.

Since this is such a big topic for one blog, this is Part 1, and I'll continue to discuss this topic in future blog posts.

Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Often Fear Their Emotions
Many adults, who were traumatized as children, have vivid memories of feeling completely overwhelmed by a traumatic event in their lives.

In many cases, there was no one to help them, as children, to get through the trauma, so they were left on their own to deal with overwhelming events.  Or, even if there were adults around, the adults might have been overwhelmed themselves by the event (or events) and didn't have the capacity to help.

Young children, who are traumatized without anyone to help them, have limited capacity to deal with their overwhelming feelings.  In order to survive emotionally and, sometimes, physically, these children learned to suppress their overwhelming feelings to protect themselves.  At that point in their lives, it might have been the only thing they could do.  And, at the time, it was an adaptive thing to do, given the limited options.

The problem is that, when these same children grow up and they're adults, what was adaptive when they were children is no longer adaptive.  As adults, suppressing feelings can cause a variety of physical, emotional and interpersonal problems, which I will discuss in a future blog post.

What these adults often don't realize is that now that they are adults, they can develop more of an emotional capacity to deal with trauma, especially if they work with a therapist who has expertise in working with trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
One of my specialties is working with trauma.  

I have worked with many traumatized adults who have suppressed uncomfortable feelings for most of their lives.  They often come to see me for therapy when they've discovered that continuing to suppress feelings causes problems on many levels for them.  Even though they wanted to change, they didn't know how before they came to therapy, especially after they spent so many years pushing their feelings down.

Over the years, I have learned and developed many different ways of working with trauma so that I can tailor each treatment to the needs of each client.  Aside from talk therapy, I have found mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis to be effective in helping clients to overcome trauma, even clients who have tried to overcome these problems in therapy for many years.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Feel All Their Feelings - Part 2

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer

Are you a woman who usually falls for men who are considered so-called "bad boys" and neither you nor your friends understand why these guys are so irresistible to you?

What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women?

It Seems Counterintuitive: Women Who Are Usually Stable and Responsible Fall for "Bad Boys" 
Often, it seems completely counterintuitive because the woman who falls for "bad boys" is often the woman who is the most stable, responsible and kind person who never gets into trouble herself, but she falls in love with guys who are edgy, constantly in trouble, emotionally unavailable and sometimes abusive, and constantly breaking her heart.

Just a note before I go on:  I'm using the phrase "bad boys" as a shorthand expression that most people understand without having to go into a lot of detail.  But, in fact, I have a lot of empathy for these men, who often have a long history of trauma, and underneath that tough exterior, there's often a lot of fear and shame.  Of course, working with them as a psychotherapist is different from being in a romantic relationship or married to them and in a lot of emotional pain. 

Why Are So Many Women Drawn to "Bad Boys"?
There can be as many reasons as there are women who fall for guys who have a reputation for being "bad."

Some psychotherapists believe that women who are drawn to "bad boys" are working through unresolved trauma from their family history, especially if they had a father who was unreliable, irresponsible, and emotionally abusive.

Other psychotherapists believe that this dynamic involves a woman's need to "rescue" the man, who is often traumatized and in need of a lot of emotional support.

Other therapists believe that women in these types of relationships are masochistic.

All of the above theories, either individually or in combination, might apply to some women sometimes, but it often doesn't explain this dynamic for many women who had loving, stable fathers and who are not masochistic or in need of rescuing people.

The Brain Reward Circuit and an Irresistible Attraction to "Bad Boys"
Another interesting theory, proposed by Richard A. Friedman, MD, in his article, "I Heart Unpredictable Love" (NY Times) is that this type of attraction involves the brain reward circuit (see link below for the article).

According to Dr. Friedman, the brain reward circuit is a primitive part of the brain that is exquisitely attuned to rewards, whether they are rewards of money, sex, or food.

When the reward is unanticipated, the circuit releases dopamine which gives the person a pleasurable and exciting feeling.

Unpredictable Love and the Brain Reward Circuit

As a result, when you're involved with someone who is unpredictable, as so-called "bad boys" tend to be, you get a sense of pleasure and excitement from the brain reward circuit.  This, in turn, fuels your attraction and obsession, from the brain reward circuit.

It can feel like an "addiction" in much the same way that people who gamble compulsively feel addicted to gambling.  The difference is that you're "gambling" with the unpredictable nature of the relationship as well as your own well-being.

Often, you're unaware of this sense of pleasure and excitement that's being generated by the brain reward circuit.  In fact, your rational mind might be telling you that this guy isn't at all good for you and you should stay away.  But when the brain reward circuit is releasing the dopamine, you might find yourself with this "bad boy" despite what you know rationally.

Does This Mean That You'll Always Be Attracted to "Bad Boys" For the Rest of Your Life?
I've worked with many women who found themselves irresistibly drawn to so-called "bad boys" and who were able to overcome this problem.

Unfortunately, for some women, it often takes a lot of emotional pain before they override their brain chemistry to make healthy choices for themselves.  But just because you feel a sense of pleasure and excitement doesn't mean that you can't make healthy decisions for yourself.  You can.

Getting Help in Therapy
Relationships with "bad boys" can take its toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That's a high price to pay.  And many women discover that, after being in a few of these types of relationships, they aren't as emotionally resilient as they used to be and it gets harder to move on.

If you have tried on your own to stop getting in emotionally unhealthy relationships, but you can't do it on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

If you're motivated to change, you can learn how to override the impulse to get involved with men who are constantly hurting you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my blog article:
The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship

I Heart Unpredictable Love - by Richard A. Friedman - New York Times

Another Study Reveals There's a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Many clients that I see in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City tell me that they notice a seasonal pattern to their mood and that they tend to feel happier in the spring and summer when there's more sunlight as opposed to the winter when there's less sun.  

Study Reveals a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Most of these psychotherapy clients who report a seasonal pattern to their mood don't meet the criteria for seasonal affective disorder.

Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health
There have been studies before that show a seasonal pattern to mental health.  

A New York Times article by Nicholas Bakalar discusses yet another study with similar findings (see link below for the article).  

The full research study is reported in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

It's great to have the research to back up what has been reported to most therapists for a long time.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you notice a change in your mood due to seasonal changes, current circumstances in your life, longstanding problems or for reasons unknown, rather than suffering alone, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health - Nicholas Bakalar - NY Times

More Seniors Citizens Are Attending Psychotherapy These Days

More senior citizens are attending psychotherapy these days, according to Abby Ellin of the New York Times (see link for the article and a video below).  For many seniors, the stigma that once was associated with attending therapy no longer exists.  

More Seniors Are Attending Therapy

They've seen their children and grandchildren attend therapy and they're aware now that a person doesn't have to be "crazy" to attend therapy.  Also, people are living longer these days, and many of them don't want to live an unexamined life for their remaining years.

My Internship Experience With Senior Citizens at a Local Nursing Home
When I was in graduate school, I was a clinical social work intern at a local nursing home.  At the time, the thinking was that all these senior residents needed was someone to talk to and keep them company because they were lonely.

So, I was assigned to meet with a few of the residents on a weekly basis, and as I met with them, I discovered that they had unique problems at this stage of their lives that weren't being addressed.

Recognizing that senior citizens have unique issues that are often unaddressed might seem like commonsense now, but back then, this wasn't the thinking in the administration.  They were quite surprised to hear that residents were interested in talking about their personal histories and how it affected their lives, unresolved family issues, their emotional and social isolation, their fear of dying, and many other related issues.

A Positive Shift in Perspective For Administrators:  Seniors Can Benefit From Psychotherapy
The administration was surprised at how open these residents were to talk about themselves and their problems.  Rather than just "keeping them company,"the residents and I were addressing important, sometimes longstanding, issues in their lives.

I was very happy that by the time I left the internship, the administration had changed their views, and they hired a therapist to provide psychotherapy sessions to these residents.

Many Seniors Can Work Through Trauma
There is one area where I disagree with Ms. Ellin.  At one point in the video, she says she thinks that most seniors probably will not make big changes in their lives.

Of course, a person's ability to make changes, no matter what the age, is different for each person.  But, contrary to what I understood Ms. Ellin to say, I have worked with senior citizens using EMDR to work through longstanding trauma.  So, contrary to what many people think, many seniors can, indeed, make big changes in their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Therapy Can Help in the Golden Years - by Abby Ellin - New York Times

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret Life After His Death

I recently went to see "Before and After Dinner With Andre", a wonderful documentary about actor and director Andre Gregory, which was made by his wife Cindy Kleine.  Many people will remember Andre Gregory from the film, "My Dinner With Andre".  

One of the themes in Before and After Dinner is that Mr. Gregory discovers information in a book that implicates his late father, a Russian Jew, as a Nazi collaborator.  Mr. Gregory begins a search to discover if his father was leading a secret life.

Movies: Discovering a Father's Secret After His Death

Unraveling the Mystery of a Father's Secret Life
Most of us can only imagine how painful it could be to try to unravel and piece together such a mystery about one's own father, and how many questions this would raise, especially after a father's death when he's no longer around to answer questions.  The film, which will be released in other cities in the US soon, is worth seeing, so I don't want to give it away.

Although most of us will never have to deal with a mystery of this magnitude about our fathers, it's not unusual for questions to arise after a father's death about some aspect of his life, and for adult children to search for answers about his life.

There's also a book that was recently published, After Visiting Friends: A Son's Story, written by Michael Hainey.  I haven't read the book, but it sounds intriguing.  According to the reviews that  I've read, the author was told when he was a child that his father died "after visiting friends," which was a euphemism for a secret aspect of his father's life.  So, Mr. Hainey sets out to discover what really happened to his father.

The Adult Child Must Be Emotionally Prepared to Discover the Father's Secret
I've worked with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who had reason to believe, after their fathers died, that their fathers led secret lives that these clients felt compelled to discover.  

This type of search can become an all-consuming endeavor because of the amount of effort that's often required to find out "the truth."  And, at times, even with an exhaustive search, the results of the search might be ambiguous.  Also, the child, who is now an adult, must be emotionally prepared to learn whatever there might be to discover about his or her deceased father.

In many cases, just knowing that there were possible secrets can be jarring for the adult child, as described by Andre Gregory in the film, Before and After Dinner, to find out that the father you thought you knew while he was alive isn't who you thought he was--or you didn't have the whole story.

Often, this type of search about one's deceased father is not only about trying to discover information about who the father really was, but also an effort to try to understand what this means with regard to the father-child relationship.

This type of search can evoke many different kinds of emotions, including sadness, anger, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment, depending upon the father's secret and why a part of the father's life was kept secret from the child.

It can cause the adult child to wonder about the meaning of a father's secret life and how it might reflect on his or her relationship with the father when the father was alive.

Ultimately, whether an adult child decides to initiate such an investigation about a father is a very personal choice.  There are some people who would rather not know.

In any case, I highly recommend the documentary, "Before and After Dinner", which is both funny and poignant.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Fathers and Sons: Coming Out as a Gay Man to Your Father

Coming out to your father as a gay man can be emotionally challenging.  In many families, there's a real risk that you'll be rejected.  I've worked with many gay men of all ages in my psychotherapy practice in NYC who have struggled with this issue.

Fathers and Sons: Coming Out as a Gay Man to Your Father
 

Of course, I've also known both gay men with heterosexual parents who didn't have a problem when they came out to them.  But if you're on the fence about coming out to your father or you've already come out and it has placed a strain on your father-son relationship, you already know how emotionally challenging this can be for both you and your dad.

The following vignette is  a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Alan
Alan knew from the time that he was about 12 years old that he was gay.  Growing up in a traditional family in the Midwest, he didn't feel he could talk to his parents or brothers about it and he felt lonely and confused.

Alan felt especially worried about what his father would think if he knew Alan was gay.  His father was a kind man, but he was also conservative in his values.  Alan didn't want to be a disappointment to him.

When he was in his teens, Alan tried dating girls, but he knew he wasn't interested in girls.  He had crushes on boys, but he didn't dare tell his friends.  He didn't know anyone who was gay, so he continued to have a lot of questions about his sexual orientation until he moved to NYC to go to college, and he met other gay young men.

It was such a relief to meet other young men who felt the same way that he did.  He went out on dates, but he was too afraid to get sexually involved with any of the young men he dated.

He kept his gay social activities a secret from his family.  He thought his mother might understand because she tended to be more open minded than his father.  But it was all so new for him that he wasn't comfortable with his sexual orientation himself, so he decided to start therapy.

After we started working together for a few months, Alan began to feel more comfortable as a gay man.  He realized that before he felt more accepting of himself, it would have been hard to come out to his parents.

To make it easier for Alan, we developed a plan where he would start with the person he thought would be the most accepting and easiest to talk to.  Alan chose his younger brother, who tended to be more liberal than the rest of the family.  And his younger brother was encouraging, supportive and happy that Alan came out to him.

One by one, Alan called his brothers and, to his surprise, each one of them told him that, even though they might not understand it, they loved him and wanted him to be happy.

Feeling a little more confident, he spoke to his mother, who told Alan that she had sensed from the time he was a young boy that he might be gay.  She was tearful and told him that she worried about him getting HIV.  Alan told her that he had not been sexual with a man yet, but he assured her that he would be careful.

Then Alan asked his mother how she thought his father would react if he came out to him.  His mother was silent, and then she said she didn't know.  She thought that his father might need time to get used to the idea.  But she thought, ultimately, he would come around.

Until then, Alan's experience of coming out to his family had been mostly positive.  He knew that coming out to his father would be the most challenging part of coming out as a gay man.  Although  his mother never pressured him about it, Alan knew his father wanted him to get married to a woman, have children, and lead a traditional life.

Rather than coming out to his father over the phone, Alan decided to do it in person when he went home for a visit.   Before he went home, Alan had several sessions to talk about his fears about his father rejecting him.  This caused Alan a lot of emotional pain.

Before he went home, Alan purchased a copy of the book, Now That You Know: A Parent's Guide to Understand Your Gay and Lesbian Children, which is written for parents of gay children.  The original plan was for Alan to have the talk with his father on his third day at home. But the day came and went and Alan was too afraid to talk to his father.

So, that night, he wrote his father a letter telling his father how much he loved him and how much he valued their father-son relationship.  He also told him that he was happier than he had ever been now that he could be himself and he hoped his father would understand.

The next day, when they were alone sitting on the porch, Alan handed his father the letter and asked him to read it.  His father hesitated, at first, to open the letter.  Alan's heart was pounding in his chest and his hands were sweating, but he urged his father to read it.  Then, he watched a frown come over his father's face as he read the letter, folded it back up again, and walked away silently into the garden.

Alan continued to sit on the porch.  He felt numb and frozen in place.  He didn't know how to interpret his father's reaction.  He was afraid his worst fears had come true and that his father was upset.  He watched the sun go down, and continued to sit in the same spot until early evening.  When it was time for dinner, Alan's mother told Alan and his brothers that their father wasn't feeling well and he wouldn't be coming down to dinner.  Alan felt tears stinging in his eyes, and he decided he would pack his things after dinner and leave a few days early.

As he was packing that evening, he heard a knock on the door.  When he opened the door, he saw his father standing there, eyes averted, looking at the floor.  Alan didn't know what to expect, but he let his father in.  They sat together on Alan's bed, silently, for what seemed like a long time.  Then, his father spoke in a hoarse voice and said, "I don't understand it.  I'm going to need time, but you're my son and I'll always love you."  He reached over and gave Alan a big hug.  Then, he left before Alan could respond.

Alan left the book for his father to read.  He continued to work in therapy on his coming out process. He realized that it had taken him a while to feel comfortable with being gay, so he knew it would be a process for his father too.

Getting Help in Therapy
The coming out process is different for everyone.  If you're struggling with your own feelings as well as your fears about how your family will react, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.  It could make all the difference in your process.  I've included resources below for gay organizations.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is working with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer clients.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist 

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources
LGBT Center - NYC
Gay and Lesbian National Help Center - Hotline
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Father

How many times did you hear these words from your father, "You'll understand after you have children"? At the time when your father told you this, you probably felt annoyed and frustrated with him.  But now that you have your own children, you might have a different perspective.

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Father

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Father
Although it may be hard to admit, looking back on things our parents said to us when we were growing up that was annoying to us back then often makes a lot of sense now.  This is often especially true after you have your own children.  Since I'm focusing on a series of blog articles about fathers, my focus will be on fathers and sons in this article but, of course, women can relate to this too.

When boys become teenagers it's common for them to have a contentious relationship with their fathers.  Being neither a young child nor an adult, being a teenager can be confusing and frustrating for the teenage boy as well as his father.  It can be a time when the father-son relationship becomes strained.

Often, after men get married and have their own children, they gain a new perspective about what it means to be a father.  And, the same men who rebelled against their fathers when they were teens often come to have a new appreciation for the complexities of fatherhood.  They usually develop more of a sense of compassion for their fathers than they had when they were younger.

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

John
When John was a young child, he and his father had a close relationship.  But when he became 15, his relationship with his father became strained.

John wanted to stay out late with his friends, but his father gave him a curfew of 10 PM, which John resented.  He had other friends whose parents allowed them to stay out later than 11 PM, and John felt resentful towards his father.

From John's perspective, his father was treating him like a baby.  He couldn't wait to be old enough to leave home and go to college.  His father would usually tell him, "You'll understand after you have children of your own."   Whenever John heard this, he would roll his eyes.

When John Was 15, He Often Felt Annoyed With His Father

Years later, when John and his wife had their own teenage son, John realized why his father was so worried about him when he went out.  John's son, Joe, also wanted to stay out late with his friends when he was 15.

But, now that he was a parent, John was very aware of all of the dangers that were out there that his son brushed off.  He also knew what it was like to be 15 and to feel hemmed in by your father.  On the one hand, he wanted his son to have a good time and not resent him.  On the other hand, he knew Joe lacked the maturity to make good decisions for himself and there was reason to be concerned about his safety.

John gave Joe a curfew knowing that Joe would resent it and that, possibly, Joe would rebel against it.  But John knew that, in the long run, he was doing what was best for his son, even though Joe couldn't appreciate it at the time.

Having to deal with these issues with his own teenage son, John now had a new perspective and appreciation for what it was like for his father back when John was a teen.  He felt a new sense of compassion and love for his father.  He realized now that his father was setting limits for him because he loved him and not because he wanted to be mean, which is what John thought when he was a teenager.

Looking back on his relationship with his father, John realized that many of the things he didn't understand with regard to his father's decisions were much clearer to him now that he had to face many of the same decisions.  So, the next time he called his father, John told him, "I hate to admit it, dad, but you were right.  Now that I have my own son, I understand what you went through as a father."

Being able to talk to his father as one father to another made John feel closer to his father than he had ever experienced before.  From then on, he sought advice from his father about raising children because he realized now his father really was a loving dad.  And, he was glad his father didn't just allow him to do whatever he wanted to do like his friends' fathers.  He could look back now and appreciate that.

Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Father With a New Understanding
With maturity and life experience, sons often look back on their relationships with their fathers with a new sense of gratitude and compassion.  Going through this process can bring you and your father closer together.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To  set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  Fathers and Sons: Improving Your Relationship With Your Dad