Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Pages? Here Are Some Reasons to Stop

On some level, most people know that continuously reading their ex's Facebook page can be very upsetting, especially if you discover things about your ex--like he has a new girlfriend or, worse still, he got married--that you're not prepared to face.

Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Pages?

Over and over, I hear from psychotherapy clients as well as people in my personal life that they can't stop themselves from looking at their ex's Facebook page, even when they know it's really over.  For many people, it becomes an obsession.  They want to know what's happening in their ex's life and, more importantly, has s/he found someone new?

Although it might be tempting to keep looking at your ex's Facebook page because you feel that you just can't resist, there are some very good reasons to stop:

• You're going to find it very hard to move on if you keep looking at your ex's Facebook page.
• It can be a form of emotional self torture to find out that your ex is with someone new. And, anyway, what can you do with this information, aside from making yourself miserable and upset?
• If you see her looking happy with someone new, it can make you feel awful about yourself, wondering why she wasn't happy with you (even though the pictures you see on the Facebook page might not reflect reality).
• Like any obsessive habit, the more you do it, the more you want to do it, making it very difficult to stop.

Here are some tips that might help you the next time you feel the urge to look at your ex's Facebook page:

• De-friend your ex.  As hard as it might be, it will help you not to have such ready access to your ex's Facebook page.
• Try waiting 20 minutes, when you feel the urge to look, to see if the urge passes.
• Ask yourself, "What do I hope to accomplish by looking at his Facebook page?"
• Go out for a walk or distract yourself by doing something else.
• Talk to a supportive friend who knows how to listen attentively to your feelings.
• Take a break from social media and go out and do something nurturing for yourself.  

When You Don't Want to Let Go of Your Ex
Continually looking at your ex's Facebook page might mean that you're not ready to move on yet, and you might be harboring wishes, no matter how unrealistic, that the two of you might get back together again.  Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if this is what's going on with you.

Are You Avoiding Feeling the Emotional Pain of the Breakup?
Nobody likes to go through the emotional pain of a breakup.  But if you're holding onto unrealistic fantasies of rekindling your romance with your ex, part of this might be an unconscious wish to avoid feeling the pain.  Unfortunately, there's no way to avoid going through the pain in order to get to the other side so you can move on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Mourning the loss of a relationship is hard, but you can make it harder on yourself by holding onto what you know deep down is really over.  Everyone is different and every situation is different when it comes to mourning this type of loss.

No one can tell you how long it should take.  But if you find that, over time, it's not getting a little easier for you, you might consider consulting with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you get over your obsessive reading of your ex's Facebook page and also help you through the mourning process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Stalking Your Ex on Social Media

Psychotherapy Daily News - 1/25/13

Psychotherapy Daily News for today, 1/25/13, has articles from Psychiatric Times, American Psychological Association (APA) Help Center, Good Therapy.org, New York Times Health, Harvard Business Review, Psychotherapy Networker, Science Daily, and this psychotherapy blog, among others, about mental health issues, science, health, the environment, and leisure issues.

Here are a list of just some of the articles, which represents the latest and most interesting news stories:

• Your Relationship:  Should You Stay or Should You Go?
• Relationships:  Covert Belittling
• Overcoming Trauma with Somatic Experiencing
• The Joy of Being Attuned to Your Inner Child
• Working with the Borderline Client
• Can a Sense of Control Increase Your Lifespan?
• Red Explosions:  Secret Life of Binary Stars is Revealed
• Scientists Discover How Epigenetic Information Could Be Inherited - Mechanisms of Epigenetic Reprogramming Revealed
• Parenting - The Art of Benign Neglect
• Getting Naked:  It's Not Just About Sex

Subscribe to Psychotherapy Daily News
You can subscribe to get your daily copy in your in box by going to Psychotherapy Daily News and clicking on the "Subscribe" button.  Your information will be anonymous (even to me) so you don't have to be concerned about getting SPAM.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  
Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Psychotherapy Daily News

Psychotherapy Daily News - 1/24/13

Psychotherapy Daily News features articles about mental health, science, health, education plus more from various sources, including New York Time, Yoga Journal, the Harvard Business Review, GoodTherapy.com, Psychiatric Times as well as some of my own psychotherapy-related articles.

Here are a list of some of the articles in today's Psychotherapy Daily News:

• Interpersonal Neurobiology in the Consulting Room With Dan Siegel
• Psychiatrists With Ethics Training Less Likely to Push Brand-Name Drugs
• Managing Suicide Risk of Clients With Borderline Personality Disorder
• Emotional Demands:  The Exhaustive Effect on Technology Workers
• Sugar Addiction and Mental Health:  America Needs Rehab
• Does Religion Help You Quit Smoking?
• Find Your Authentic Self and You Just Might Find Your Next Career
• Starting Therapy--and Ending It Too
• Reasons for Substance Use Predicts Treatment Outcome in Adolescents
• EMDR Self Help Book:  Getting Past Your Past
• Feeling Lonely in a Relationship
• Can You Read the Face of Victory?
• Th 28-Day Meditation Challenge Returns on February 1
• Why You Should Emphasize Your Potential Rather Than Your Achievements on Your CV
• It's Time to Cut Back on Social Media
• What Capitalism Can't Fix
• May I Be Happy?
• Long Term Effects of Life Expectancy From Smoking
• Addiction in the Home:  Healing Lives, Families and Communities
• It's My Job and I'll Tweet If I Want To
• Tips For Managing and Preventing Stress
• Science News From Around the Web
• Krishna Das Nominated For Grammy Award
• Stop Underage Drinking - Gateway to Federal Resources
• Study Links Cognitive Deficits and Hearing Loss
• Positive Psychology News Daily

You can subscribe for free by clicking on this link:Psychotherapy Daily News and clicking on the word "subscribe" so you don't miss an issue.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  
Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Visit Psychotherapy Daily News for the latest information about mental health issues.

Psychotherapy Daily News - 1/23/13

Today's Psychotherapy Daily News, which has articles from my psychotherapy blog as well stories and videos from 
other psychotherapy sources, includes the following stories and videos:

• Psychotherapy:  Healing Your Emotional Wounds
• Psychotherapy and Beginner's Mind
• Resilience:  Bouncing Back from Life's ChallengesEMDR Self Help Book:  Getting Past Your Past
• Memory Experiment
• Update on Adolescent Mood Disorders
• Planck's Law of Generations - Psychiatric Times
• Family Habits:  The Key to Controlling Childhood Obesity
• Video:  Stories of Hope and Recovery - Jordan's Story
• Video:  Hurricane Sandy - Dr. Steven Southwick (Psychiatric Times)

You can subscribe to Psychotherapy Daily News by going to the site and clicking on the "Subscribe" button.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapy, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006.

Visit:  Psychotherapy Daily News

The Dreamer and the Pragmatist

I'm reading Adam Phillips' book, Promises, Promises - Essays on Psychoanalysis and Literature. In Chapter One, "Poetry and Psychoanalysis," Phillips discusses, among other things, the difference, generally speaking, between two different types of clients, the Dreamer and the Pragmatist.

Psychotherapy Clients - The Dreamer and the Pragmatist:
According to Adam Phillips, the client who is a Dreamer wants to free associate in therapy and go wherever his thoughts lead him, and the Pragmatist is focused on resolving his problems in therapy.  Whereas the Pragmatist wants to achieve things, the Dreamer is focused on the experiential.

The Dreamer and the Pragmatist

Adam Phillips says the Dreamer wants the therapist to help her get back into her reverie, and the Pragmatist wants the therapist to help her find a solution to her problem.

The Pragmatist wants to know, in a practical way, what to do.  The Dreamer wants to discover the way and see what happens.

Of course, these are generalizations, and most clients don't fall neatly into one category or another.  People are often a combination of the two.

I've worked with both Dreamers and Pragmatists in my psychotherapy practice in NYC and both types of clients appeal to the different aspects in me that I identify with.

Psychotherapy with the Pragmatist
In many ways, I'm a Pragmatist and I like helping clients in a down-to-earth manner, especially clients who come in for brief therapy, assuming that brief therapy is the appropriate form of treatment for them.  

Brief therapy is appropriate where a client has a specific problem, with no major trauma, that lends itself to brief solution-oriented therapy.  Often, this client just needs some direction or guidance, an objective mental health professional to check in with, and they can often come up with practical solutions to their problems.  Long-term treatment isn't necessary, unless, over time, the client becomes curious and interested in exploring more about his inner world.

Psychotherapy with the  Dreamer
I also have a side of me that is a Dreamer or Seeker, and I also enjoy working with clients who are more interested in discovering their inner world and more focused on the "journey" rather than the "destination."

My original training is in contemporary psychoanalysis.  I'm fascinated by the unconscious, including dreams.  When I work with dreams, I have different ways that I work, including contemporary psychodynamic dream work and Embodied Imagination dream work, which is a post-Jungian way of working developed by psychoanalyst, Robert Bosnak.  This type of psychotherapy is more open ended than brief treatment and, as in all therapy, the client decides when s/he has completed treatment.

Many Different Types of Psychotherapy - Many Choices for Psychotherapy Clients
Whether you're someone who seeks brief therapy, more open-ended psychodynamic treatment or something in between, there are so many different types of therapy today that you have many choices, including psychoanalysis, psychodynamic therapy, solution-focused therapy, cognitive behavioral treatment (CBT), EMDR, hypnotherapy, and Somatic Experiencing, to name just a few.

I usually recommend that people looking for a therapist trust their gut instincts when choosing a therapist.

See the link below for my article, "Psychotherapy: How to Choose a Psychotherapist" for more information.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


Psychotherapy: How to Choose a Psychotherapist

Promises, Promises - Essays on Psychoanalysis and Literature - by Adam Phillips

People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need

People who abuse alcohol or who are alcohol dependent frequently don't get the help they need to overcome their alcoholism for variety of reasons.  For one thing, people who abuse alcohol are often in denial about their alcoholism.  They often don't admit their problem to themselves or to others who can help them.  Shame is a major factor in their denial.  They often tell themselves, "I can stop whenever I want to," which keeps them from admitting their problem or from getting help.

People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need

People with Alcohol Problems Are Often Good at Hiding Their Drinking
Even when people who abuse alcohol admit to themselves that they have a problem, they're often very invested in hiding their problem from loved ones, their employers, and even their doctors.

People With Alcohol Problems Are Often Good at Hiding Their Drinking

Doctors usually don't have the time and many are not knowledgeable enough about the signs of alcoholism to ask the right questions during routine exams (see link to article below).

Families Often Collude and Enable People with Alcohol Problems
Families often, either knowingly or unknowingly collude in the problem by enabling the person who is abusing alcohol.

People Who Abuse Alcohol Often Don't Get the Help They Need:  Family Problems

More than one spouse, who was married to a husband who abused alcohol, has told me that she would rather buy him the alcohol and maintain peace in the household rather than have the husband create havoc because he's craving alcohol he doesn't have.  One person told me, "Once he has his beer, he goes in the den, drinks, and he doesn't bother anybody."  Often, this sad state of affairs can go on for many years.

Employers Often Collude and Enable People with Alcohol Problems
It's not unusual for employers, who might recognize that an employee has a drinking problem, to look the other way.  When I was a human resources manager and I asked managers why they allowed a certain employee to continue to come to work drunk, I was often told something along the lines of, "Well, Joe is a good guy.  I didn't want to get him in trouble."

Untreated Alcoholism Can Cause Serious Medical Problems
What people often don't realize, and this includes the person who is abusing alcohol and the people in his or her life, is that untreated alcoholism can cause serious medical problems.  It can even be fatal.  Late stage alcoholism can include severe memory problems and other cognitive impairments.

Alcoholism can lead to heart attack, stroke, and kidney and liver failure.  Alcoholism also often destroys families.  It is also one of the main causes of car accidents and vehicular homicide.  It costs companies millions in lost productivity.

Alcoholism is a Medical Condition--Not a Moral Issue
Even though we now know that alcoholism is a medical condition, many people, including people who abuse alcohol, still see alcoholism as a moral issue.  They think that it's a moral failure and a failure of will on the part of the person with alcohol problems.   But this couldn't be further from the truth.  We don't moralize about other medical conditions--like diabetes.  But people with alcohol problems are still blamed, and they blame themselves, for their medical condition.  This creates a great deal of shame, which keeps the person with alcohol problems from getting help.

Getting Help:  Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)
Rather than blaming themselves and trying to "white knuckle it" through, people with alcohol problems need to talk to other people who understand what they're going through.  I am a big proponent of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)

Sober people who attend A.A. understand the challenges involved with giving up alcohol and leading a sober life.  They're there to offer support when the person who is contemplating sobriety takes his or her first tentative steps to getting sober.  They know it's hard, but they also know that it can be done.

I usually recommend that people who are new to A.A. attend a beginner's meeting.  There are often people there who volunteer to be interim sponsors to people who are new to the program because they know that it's hard for newcomers to ask for help.  They can help new people to work the 12 Steps, starting with the first step, often the hardest for many people, to admit powerlessness over alcohol.

Sometimes, A.A. isn't enough and the person who wants to get sober might need to go to either an intensive outpatient program or an inpatient program.  In NYC, I've found, over the years, that both the Parallax Center, which also does outpatient detox, and Inter-Care are both very good outpatient programs.  Both of them offer intensive treatment.

If you have an alcohol problem, don't wait until you've "hit bottom" and you've lost everything.  Get the help that you need.  I've included resources below that you might find helpful.

Resources:
Alcoholics Anonymous:  http://aa.org

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Your Workplace Could Feel Like a Dysfunctional Family

Workplace dynamics often mimic dysfunctional family dynamics.  It's no wonder that employees are often emotionally triggered by what goes on at work.

At Work:  Feeling Powerless and Like a Child Again
Over the years, I've heard many psychotherapy clients complain that the dynamics at work, especially  with difficult supervisors, often make them feel that they're back home again when they were children being chastised by their parents.

Your Workplace Could Feel Like a Dysfunctional Family

In many ways, workplace relationships can feel like familial relationships in both positive and negative ways.  When workplace relationships are positive, they can be a source of mutual support in much the same way that siblings support each other.

But when workplace relationships are negative, they can be as competitive and contentious as dysfunctional family members.

When employees come from family backgrounds where there was emotional or physical abuse, they can get emotionally triggered when they work for a difficult supervisor, especially a supervisor who is verbally abusive, demeaning or a bully.

Getting Emotionally Triggered at Work:  Re-Experiencing Childhood Trauma
Most of the time, people who get emotionally triggered at work don't realize it because this is often an unconscious process.

When they get emotionally triggered, they're not only dealing with the current situation but, without realizing it, they're also re-experiencing the emotions from the past.  If these feelings are especially overwhelming, they might realize that they're overreacting to the present situation, but they might not understand why or what's happening to them.

Some employees, who are emotionally triggered by the dysfunctional dynamics at work, might feel anxious or panicky.  They might feel powerless to deal with the situation at work in much the same way that they might have felt powerless when they were children.  If the situation goes on long enough, they might feel depressed.

If it's possible to get out of a dysfunctional work setting, it might be the best recourse.  But it's not always possible to leave.  And there's no guarantee that the next place won't have its own dysfunctional dynamics.

Getting Help in Therapy:  EMDR and Somatic Experiencing
Psychotherapy, like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, can often help people to overcome the original trauma that is being triggered by the situation at work.

Both EMDR and Somatic Experiencing also help clients to develop emotional resources to deal with the stressors they're experiencing in the here-and-now and differentiate these stressors from the past.

Rather than getting triggered over and over again, if you're in a workplace environment that mimics a dysfunctional family, you could benefit from working with an EMDR or Somatic Experiencing therapist to help you overcome the trauma in your history as well as developing the emotional resources you need for your life now.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.