Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference

In my last blog article, I discussed the erotic transference in psychotherapy. I also discussed the the overall meaning of transference in psychotherapy as well as transference in our daily lives outside of therapy sessions. In this blog post I will focus on the idealized transference in psychotherapy and how it can enhance treatment in many cases.

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference

What is the Idealized Transference in Everyday Life?
As with the erotic transference, most of us have experienced the idealized transference at some point in our lives. Examples of the idealized transference would include the idealization that a student might feel for a favorite teacher, a church member's idealization of a minister, or a young person's idealization of a political candidate (e.g., John F. Kennedy in the 1960s or Barack Obama in the last presidential election).

As with any idealization, there is usually some distortion with the idealized transference because no one can be perfect, ideal or even very good 100% of the time. There are bound to be times when the person who is being idealized will be off the mark. Depending upon the strength of the idealization and how much the person feels the need to put the idealized person on a pedestal, he or she will often rationalize the idealized person's mistakes in order to maintain this person on the pedestal.

What is the Idealized Transference in Psychotherapy?
Similar to any idealization, the idealized transference is usually more about the client's need to see the therapist as being all good or all powerful or always right, especially if the client is coming to treatment with a history of abuse or neglect or feelings of low self worth about him or herself.

How Does the Idealized Transference Form in Psychotherapy?
Every experience of the idealized transference will be different. Very often, if the psychotherapist maintains good boundaries, the client often doesn't know very much about the therapist, especially at the beginning of treatment. If the therapist is empathic and caring, he or she will provide a safe emotional "holding environment" for the client. All of this increases the likelihood that the client will develop a positive transference (he or she has good feelings about the therapist and the work they are doing together) and, in many cases, will idealize the therapist.

No matter how non-hierarchical or egalitarian the therapist is in treatment, there is still a power differential between therapist and client with the therapist being in the more powerful position. This occurs, in part, because the therapist sets and maintains the treatment frame with regard to time and fees. It also occurs because the therapist is considered "the expert" that the client comes to see. All of this feeds into the transference, whether the transference is positive, negative, eroticized or idealized.

This is not a matter of therapists creating the idealized transference and pretending that they're something that they're not. In fact, if therapists did this, in most cases, it would be counterproductive because most clients would see through any deliberate efforts to create an idealized transference. And in the particular case of a narcissistic therapist, who might actually believe in his or her perfection or an idealized self, most clients would sense the inauthenticity of this as well.

Rather, when the idealized transference occurs, it's usually a naturally-occurring phenomenon that stems from the client's need to idealize the therapist, often without even realizing it.

As discussed in my previous blog article, transference can form quickly, especially if a client is coming for multiple sessions per week, and the client is emotionally vulnerable and has the need to be with a therapist who is "perfect." For many clients, having someone that listens intently to them and is empathic might be a new and much-needed experience.

There are many issues that can affect transference, including treatment ruptures, where the therapist unintentionally makes a mistake that might be hurtful. These ruptures can usually be repaired if the therapist is willing to admit that he or she made a mistake. Often, it the rupture is handled well by the therapist, this can strengthen the therapeutic alliance between client and therapist, especially if the client grew up in an environment where the parents were unable to acknowledge mistakes. However, treatment ruptures is a topic for a future blog post.

What Are the Advantages of the Idealized Transference in Psychotherapy?If we think of psychotherapy as being a treatment with a beginning, middle and end phases, the idealized transference usually forms at the beginning and/or middle stages of treatment.

This is a period of time, if treatment is going well, when clients often internalize their therapists to the point where, even outside treatment sessions, when faced with problems or decisions, clients can ask themselves, "What would my therapist say about this?" At that point, the therapist becomes a sort of auxiliary mind that the client can call upon internally for support and wisdom. This is a normal, natural part of treatment when it's going well.

Being able to internalize the idealized therapist usually allows clients to make positive changes in their lives.

The following fictionalized scenario, which is a composite and not about any one client, will illustrate these points:

Ted:
Ted was in his early 30s when he began attending psychotherapy for longstanding depression. His feelings of low self worth kept Ted from excelling in a career, and he was unable to form intimate, romantic relationships with women.

For years, Ted tried reading self-help books and going to workshops to overcome his depression, but nothing helped, and he knew now that he couldn't change his depression on his own.

Ted had never attended psychotherapy before, so he didn't know what to expect, and he felt anxious and ambivalent on the day of his first appointment. He almost cancelled the appointment, but he knew that he couldn't manage his feelings of low self worth on his own any more. In the past, he rationalized to himself that he didn't need therapy because he never felt suicidal so, in his mind, his depression wasn't so bad. But as time passed and he continued to feel stuck in his life, he knew he needed professional help.

During his first session, he was surprised that he actually felt comfortable and he was able to talk relatively easily to the therapist. He liked the therapist and also felt very comfortable in the office. He discussed his family history, including how depressed and anxious his parents were when he was growing up. He also talked about how critical his father was and how his father made him feel that he couldn't do anything right. He knew that his parents did the best that they could but, as an only child, he felt alone and lonely. He excelled at school, hoping to get his parents' love and approval, but they were too preoccupied with their own lives to pay attention to Ted.

By the time Ted went away to college, he went from being a "straight A" student in high school to being an average student in college. He had given up trying to please his parents, and he had such a poor sense of self that he didn't care about how he performed in college. He also felt socially inept, so he hardly attended any social activities. And when he did, he felt awkward and shy. He dated a few women, who took the initiative of asking him out, but nothing ever came of these dating relationships.

After Ted graduated college with a major in psychology, he took the first job that he could find as a sales clerk in a clothing store. He was bored and, on some level, he knew that he was underemployed, but he lacked the self confidence to get a job that was commensurate with his education.

Ted had a few close friends, but he had not dated anyone in over a year, and he felt lonely.

After he was in therapy for a couple of months, Ted began to admire his therapist. He really liked that his therapist listened to him attentively and that he was also so empathic with Ted and seemed to understand him. Ted had never experienced this before. He felt that his therapist cared about him, and he looked forward to his sessions.

Ted imagined that his therapist was everything that Ted was not. He didn't know anything about his therapist's personal life because they focused on Ted in their sessions, but he imagined that his therapist was happy in a relationship and successful in his private practice. He imagined that his therapist was everything that Ted wanted to be in his own life.

Without realizing it, Ted began to change the way that he dressed so that it was similar to his therapist's appearance.

He also liked looking at his therapist's book shelves, and he was fascinated by all the psychology books. Ted used to enjoy reading psychology but, other than self-help books, he stopped reading scholarly psychology books. But when he noticed his therapist's books, he felt more curious and open again, and he started taking out these same books from the library, and this re-ignited his interest in psychology.

Whenever he encountered problems outside of treatment, Ted asked himself what his therapist might say. And, when he spoke to friends, he often spoke highly of his therapist to them.

Step by step, Ted began making changes in his life. After about six months, Ted began to feel a sense of optimism again. He was beginning to see a glimmer of a possible future for himself. He began having thoughts about going to graduate school for psychology or clinical social work. Just having these thoughts was surprising to him. This was the beginning of an upward spiral for Ted.

As he talked to his therapist about his thoughts about going to graduate school, his therapist encouraged him to explore various possibilities. Ted began to fantasize that he might have his own psychotherapy private practice one day.

About a year later, Ted began attending social work graduate school. He continued in therapy and he often spoke to his therapist about his internship. It was during this internship that Ted realized that he didn't like seeing clients one-on-one as much as he had anticipated.

This was a surprising disappointment to him. He discovered that he really liked his community organizing classes. There seemed to be two primary groups at his university, those who wanted to go into psychotherapy private practice and those who were passionate about community organizing.

Ted began forming friendships with the students who wanted to be community organizers. He liked their ideas and their passion. He also felt that he could help many more people if he became a community organizer than if he became a psychotherapist and worked with people one-on-one.

This made him wonder why his therapist became a psychotherapist and not a community organizer. It was the first time that Ted began to have some doubts as to whether he wanted to be just like his therapist (or as he imagined his therapist to be). This made him feel a little sad because, until then, he thought of his therapist as being "perfect."

Ted was able to discuss this with his therapist, including the sadness that he felt about it. At first, he was hesitant to tell his therapist that he had some doubts about him for his career choice. But what came out of these discussions was very important: Ted was beginning to see his therapist as a person and not as an idealized figure. He was also beginning to see himself as a separate person from his therapist who could have his own feelings and ideas.

Over time, Ted was able to achieve some balance in his feelings and perceptions about his therapist. He still liked his therapist and found their sessions to be very valuable to him, but he no longer idealized his therapist and he felt comfortable with that. Along the way, he also developed more confidence in himself, and he began a relationship with a woman that he met in his social work program.

A year after Ted became a community organizer and he and his girlfriend moved in together, he successfully completed treatment. During the final stage of treatment, Ted and his therapist reviewed their work together and Ted had a sense of how far he had progressed. He also knew that he could return to see his therapist in the future.

As demonstrated above, the idealized transference is often useful in helping clients to make positive changes in their lives during the initial and middle stages of treatment. The client uses his or her own idealized fantasies and projections about the therapist to make personal changes.

There are times when the idealized transference is not resolved because the client has a need to maintain that view of the therapist. Not only is this true about clients coming into therapy, but it is often true of psychoanalytic students at institutes, some of whom never lose their idealized view of their psychoanalysts. But, once again, this is another topic.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: Falling "In Love" With Your Psychotherapist

When Freud first encountered the erotic transference among his patients, he was very concerned and he didn't think it was a useful part of treatment. But, as he continued to work with these patients and to explore the transference, he discovered that it was, in fact, a very useful part of psychoanalysis, and the transference could be worked through so that the patient could gain insight and grow in treatment.

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference:  Falling "In Love With Your Therapist

Psychotherapists who are psychoanalysts have rigorous psychoanalytic training as well as years of their own psychoanalysis so that they are trained to work with the transferential aspects of therapy, including the erotic transference.

But, first let's understand what we mean by the word "transference" in the context of psychoanalysis or psychodynamic psychotherapy.

What is Transference?
There are many explanations for transference but, basically, transference entails, primarily, unconscious feelings that clients develop for their psychotherapists where they usually "transfer" feelings related to their childhood. Transference can be positive, negative, idealized, erotic and so on.

Usually, the clients develop these transferential feelings based on unmet needs from their childhood, so that if their parents were cold and neglectful, they have a strong desire for the psychotherapist to fulfill these needs that weren't met by their parents.

When you consider that psychoanalytic clients meet with their psychoanalysts any where from 2-5 times per week, you can see how transference, in whatever form, would build up quickly. Psychoanalysts also usually delve into the most intimate aspects of a client's interior world, including dreams, which can also fuel transferential feelings.

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference:  Falling "In Love" With Your  Therapist

Also, most psychoanalysts, especially at the beginning of treatment, don't reveal that much about themselves because transference is an important part of treatment. Since they want to work with the transference, they are unlikely to reveal a lot of personal information because the more a client knows about his or her therapist, the less room there is for transference to develop. So, the combination of the frequency of sessions, the intimate nature of what the client is sharing in the treatment, and the lack of information about the analyst (where there's lots of room for clients to project their fantasies) can create powerful transferential feelings.

Sometimes, clients' transferential feelings are not totally unconscious. They might be very aware of feelings that they're developing for the therapist, although they might not realize that the basis of these feelings is based on childhood experiences. This is all very common and part of what would be discussed in treatment.

Transference is not a phenomenon that is only found in treatment. In fact, it is a normal part of every day life in many areas of our lives. I'm sure that many of us can think of teachers that we had crushes on in school. This is also usually transference because it's a projection of the student's feelings for the teacher. Usually, students outgrow these crushes and, eventually, develop healthy relationships with their own peers.

What is Countertransference
I've chosen to focus on a particular type of transference in this blog article, namely, erotic transference, but I wanted to add a few words about countertransference. Countertransference is also a form of transference but, in the context of treatment, it's the transferential feelings that the therapist has for the client. Therapists who are psychoanalytically trained know that they will feel countertransference for some clients, and they often experience the same type of transferential feelings as clients do.

The big difference is that therapists who are psychoanalytically trained have the therapeutic skills to deal with these countertransferential feelings, and will usually recognize that it's not really about the client.

Rather, it can point to something that is lacking in their own lives, something from the past, or some unconscious feelings regarding their own unmet needs. Early on, in psychoanalytic training, psychoanalytic candidates in training use their own personal psychoanalysis and supervision to deal with these feelings and learn how to handle them without compromising the treatment. If countertransference becomes an issue for a therapist after his or her training, usually, he or she will seek professional guidance either in his or her personal therapy, in supervision, or among peers.

Erotic Transference:  Falling "In Love" With Your Therapist

When psychoanalysts act on transferential and/or countertransferential feelings, rather than seeing them as a signal for work to be done with the client and/or with themselves, there can be boundary violations, especially sexual boundary violations, which I discussed in an earlier blog post. This type of boundary violation, whether it occurs during the treatment or after the treatment, is usually most harmful to the client. It can leave a client feeling devastated since these types of "relationships," which continue to be unequal even if the treatment is over, almost never work out.

There are some psychotherapists, who are not psychoanalytically trained, who are uncomfortable with clients' transference or their own countertransference, and they avoid dealing with it and don't know how to deal with it. This is usually detrimental to the treatment and has been the cause of many treatment failures.

What is the Erotic Transference?
The erotic transference is a particular form of transference that occurs when the client thinks that he or she has fallen in love with the therapist. Once again, as mentioned previously, feelings can develop quickly in psychoanalysis or psychodynamic psychotherapy due to the intensity of the treatment.

Initially, this can be emotionally painful for clients because, an ethical psychotherapist who maintains the treatment frame, won't gratify these erotic transferential feelings and fantasies, so that clients feel a yearning for their therapists that cannot be satisfied. These feelings are explored in treatment and, usually, as previously mentioned, they have their origins in unmet childhood needs.


It's easy to see how someone who grew up in a home where their emotional needs were not met or not sufficiently met, for whatever reason, would feel like he or she is falling in love with the therapist who is spending so much time listening to his or her most innermost feelings. The early yearning to have these needs met can come roaring to the surface very quickly. Many times, clients have repressed (pushed down) these needs for so long that. before starting treatment, they might not even be aware that they still have these needs. Then, lo and behold, these needs are tapped into and they often erupt with full force.

Note that I emphasized that this can be part of the initial part of treatment. The reason for this is that a skilled psychoanalytically trained therapist will use these transferential feelings not only to explore those unmet needs but also to help the client to develop healthy relationships outside of treatment where those needs can be met. So, although it can be initially painful to feel unrequited love as part of the erotic transference, the client is helped to develop into an adult who can have his or her needs met.

The erotic transference can occur regardless of the client's and therapist's gender or sexual orientation. That means that a heterosexual woman can develop an erotic transference for a heterosexual female therapist, even if this client never had erotic or romantic feelings for women in the past.

It can also occur with a heterosexual man and a gay therapist, even if the client never had sexual or romantic feelings for gay men before. A gay male client can develop an erotic transference for a heterosexual female therapist. And so on. This can be very confusing for clients and, at times, causes them to question their sexual orientation. But, most often, especially if they're not having these romantic and sexual feelings outside of treatment, it's not about a change in their sexual orientation. It's usually about unmet childhood needs and, as an adult, these needs can be transformed into romantic and/or sexual feelings for the therapist.

In a successful psychoanalytic or psychodynamic treatment, the client matures into a person who can work through these early unmet needs and find mature love among his or her own peers rather than continuing to fantasize about the therapist.

But it would be misleading to say that this happens quickly in every psychoanalytic of psychodynamic treatment or that, for some people, it happens at all. Some clients can spend years feeling that they're in love with their therapists and not understanding why the therapist is not willing to satisfy their needs by seeing them outside of the therapy sessions or going out with them or telling them about personal aspects of the therapist's life.

If a therapist is not able to help a client work through the transference so that the client can transfer his or her feelings from the therapist to a healthy, mature relationship with a peer, the therapist might have to refer the client to a different therapist to work out these issues. This can feel very rejecting to the client, who might not understand why this is necessary, but it is sometimes necessary and preferable to allowing a client to spend year after year feeling deprived because his or her therapist won't gratify his erotic or romantic needs.

The fictionalized vignette below demonstrates how the erotic transference can develop in a psychoanalytic treatment. As an aside, I also want to reiterate that, although I'm focusing on psychoanalytic and psychodynamic treatment, transference can develop in any type of therapy and, overall, transference out in the world (outside of the treatment setting) is ubiquitous.

Terry:
When Terry began treatment, she had just ended her third long-term relationship with a man who turned out to be cold and distant. She felt depressed and "a failure" because she continued to choose men who didn't meet her emotional needs.

Terry chose a woman psychotherapist who was recommended to her by her doctor. During the initial few visits, the therapist asked Terry about her childhood history, and Terry recounted a childhood where her parents provided her with everything that she needed and wanted materially, but they were emotionally distant. Whenever she wanted to talk to her parents, they were too preoccupied with other things to listen to her. As an only child, Terry grew up feeling lonely. She loved to go visit her best friend's home because her friend's mother was very warm and affectionate. Terry used to secretly wish that her friend's mother would become her mother.

Since Terry was significantly depressed (although not suicidal), Terry and her therapist agreed to meet three times a week. As the treatment went on, Terry described how she had never felt that anyone close to her ever really listened to her. She was tired of going out with men who turned out to be so much like her parents, and she couldn't understand the unconscious process that compelled her to continue to choose the same type of man over and over again.

After a few weeks, Terry really began to look forward to her therapy sessions. Her therapist provided a safe and nonjudgmental environment for Terry to express her innermost feelings. Terry told her therapist about thoughts and feelings that she had never revealed to anyone else in her life, and she was amazed at how easily she was able to do this with her therapist. Most of all, she felt that her therapist was caring, attentive and really listened to her in a way that she had never been listened to before.

Erotic Transference:  Falling "In Love" With Your Therapist

Soon after that, Terry began having erotic dreams about her therapist. These dreams made her feel very frightened, confused, and embarrassed because she considered herself to be heterosexual, and she had never had romantic or erotic feelings for a woman before. She had gay and lesbian friends, and she didn't think she was prejudice against gays. She was just bewildered by these dreams and wished that she would stop having them.

Terry also began to notice that she was ruminating about her therapist between sessions, wondering what she was doing and with whom. She fantasized about meeting her therapist outside of their sessions for dinner and getting to know her therapist personally. When her fantasies turned erotic, she began to worry because now she was having erotic feelings for her therapist in her dreams as well as her waking hours. In fact, she worried because she was feeling obsessed.

Erotic Transference:  Falling "In Love" With Your Therapist

At that point, whenever she went to therapy, she wished that the session wouldn't end. She looked at her therapist's ring finger to see if she was wearing a wedding ring, but she saw no signs of whether her therapist was married or had a significant other. She felt that, at least, if she knew that her therapist was married, maybe she could stop ruminating about her day and night.

When her therapy session ended and Terry walked out into the waiting room and saw the next client about to go in to see the therapist, she felt jealous. On an emotional level, she wanted the therapist to only spend time with her and it was painful to think that she had to share her with other clients. On a rational level, Terry could step back and look at her feelings and know that they were irrational, but she couldn't stop them.

She had fantasies about standing across the street from her therapist's office, somewhere where the therapist couldn't see her, and waiting to see where she went or if she met up with a husband or lover. She felt that her curiosity and yearning to know more about her therapist's life was overwhelming. And, although she often had this fantasy, she never gave into it because she didn't want to feel like a stalker.

Finally, one day when Terry couldn't tolerate having these erotic feelings for her therapist any more, with much hesitation and embarrassment, she told her therapist about her erotic feelings. Part of her hoped that her therapist would tell her that she felt the same way about her, which she also knew would be terrifying for her. Another part of her was afraid that her therapist would think this was highly inappropriate and she would need treatment with Terry.

Terry's therapist listened intently to what Terry had to say. Terry became tearful because she was confused about what this meant about their therapeutic relationship and also what it meant in terms of Terry's sexual orientation. Terry poured out all the feelings that she had been holding back and allowed her tears to flow.

After she finished, Terry raised her eyes for the first time during that session to meet her therapist's eyes. What she saw was the same empathetic and compassionate look that her therapist usually had. She breathed a sigh of relief that, at least, her therapist wasn't throwing her out of the office. Then, her therapist talked to Terry about transference and, in particular, the erotic transference. Terry was surprised to hear that this is a very common experience in psychoanalytic and psychodynamic psychotherapy. At least, she knew that she was not some odd ball and that many other clients in therapy experienced the same feelings. Most importantly. she learned that most clients work through these feelings as they learn to develop healthy, romantic relationships outside of treatment.

Terry and her therapist continued to explore these feelings as they related to her unmet childhood needs. Terry did a lot of grieving for what she didn't get when she was growing up. Over time, she also learned to accept that her parents, who would never even think of getting into their own therapy, probably would not change. This is often a very hard part of treatment for many clients who still hold onto the wish, no matter how impossible it might seem, that one day their parents would change.

In the meantime, Terry began to date again. Whenever she started to see a man who turned out to be cold and distant as all the other men she dated, she wished that she could be in a romantic relationship with her therapist. Sometimes, these feelings were so strong that she felt they were unbearable. Although she still really didn't know if her therapist was heterosexual or a lesbian and she didn't know if her therapist was in a relationship, she fantasized about her therapist being a single lesbian.

Although she understood that she and her therapist couldn't be romantically or sexually involved while she was still in treatment, she now had fantasies that they could be together after the treatment ended. She even had thoughts about terminating the treatment with her therapist and seeing a different therapist so that she and her current therapist could be together.

This thought made her feel happy and excited her sexually as well. She no longer cared if she considered herself to be heterosexual or a lesbian. It didn't matter. All she could think about at that point was that she and her therapist could be so happy together if she was no longer in treatment with her. She thought to herself, "Why didn't I think about this before? Surely, my therapist must recognize that there's a special feeling between us. She's too ethical to pursue this feeling while I'm in treatment with her, but she'd have no reason not to be with me if I was in treatment with someone else."

Terry was very excited on the day when she decided to bring this up in her psychotherapy session. She had fantasies about having romantic candlelight dinners with her therapist, being sexually intimate, and, in time, even living together. So, when she brought up her feelings about this in therapy, as always, her therapist listened to her intently. Terry was so happy to have someone finally listen to her as if she was the only person in the world, and she imagined how wonderful this would be to experience all the time, and not for 45 minutes several times a week.

Once again, Terry's therapist acknowledged that it is not at all unusual for a client to have these feelings and, in fact, many clients had these feelings. Then, she proceeded to explain to Terry how, even after their treatment ended, whenever it ended, they could never be together or have anything but a therapeutic relationship because it would ruin the treatment that they had together. Also, she explained that these romantic and sexual feelings that Terry had, while very strong, were still based on her unmet childhood needs. And a relationship between a former therapist and a former client would be disastrous for the client.

Even though her therapist normalized her feelings, Terry was extremely disappointed. She thought she had found a way to be with her therapist, only to be rejected. This was the subject of many sessions after that session. Terry's therapist was also able to help her connect her current feelings to her earlier feelings connected to the childhood emotional neglect.

As treatment continued, Terry began to feel deep down that she deserved to be with someone who was emotionally available to her. Since she didn't have attractions for women outside of her therapy sessions, she continued to date men and talk about these experiences in her therapy. She still held onto a wish that her therapist would eventually change her mind and get romantically involved with Terry after the treatment was over. But she also began to choose men who were more emotionally attuned to her.

Several months later, Terry met a man that she really liked and who was very kind and generous with her. Unlike her other relationships, he was attentive and also reciprocated her feelings. Initially, she was almost too afraid to get excited about this man because she feared that she would get disappointed and hurt like she had in the past. But, as she continued to see him, their relationship developed and became more intimate.

At first, Terry felt like she was "cheating" on her therapist, although, rationally, she knew this wasn't true. But, until then, most of her erotic dreams and fantasies had been about her therapist, and it had been the most intense relationship (albeit it a therapeutic relationship) that she had ever had.

Unlike her mother, who had almost never shown much concern for Terry's emotional well being, Terry sensed that her therapist was happy for her that she had met someone that she really cared about and who really cared about her.

As Terry continued to see this man and continued to talk about it in her therapy, gradually, over time, she realized that her feelings for her therapist were changing. Although she felt a deep caring for her therapist, she no longer had romantic or sexual feelings for her therapist.

This surprised Terry greatly because, when she was obsessing about her therapist, she thought these feelings would never change and she worried about what it might be like to terminate treatment and never see her therapist again. Whenever she had those feelings, she worried that she had become "too dependent" on her therapist. But much to her surprise, over time, she was beginning to feel that she could foresee a time when she could end treatment and be all right about it.

Erotic Transference:  Falling "In Love" With Your Therapist

When she discussed this with her therapist, her therapist assured her that, even after she ended this treatment, if she felt that she wanted to work out other issues that had come up after this treatment was over, she could return to see her. She also told Terry that it wasn't unusual for people to return to their therapists after years of being away from treatment. She also told her that Terry had the option in the future of seeing a different therapist, possible someone who worked differently, to get a different perspective.

Soon after that, Terry and her therapist went through the termination process, which lasted a few months. During that time, they saw each other less frequently. They processed the therapy in a way that gave closure to their therapeutic relationship. During that time, Terry realized that her feelings for her therapist had changed to no longer feeling at all erotic, romantic or idealized in any way. Rather, she saw her therapist as being an ordinary person who happened to be very skilled at her work. And, when she looked back at her erotic transferential feelings, she was glad that her therapist was ethical, and maintained the therapeutic frame in a safe and empathic environment.

Terry and her boyfriend eventually got married and, overall, she was happy. After a few years, she returned to see her former therapist for brief treatment to work through particular issues. She was grateful to be able to return for treatment whenever she needed it. And rather than feeling caught up in transferential feelings that were based on unmet childhood needs, she felt that she was with a capable mental health professional who could help her to overcome these problems.

About the Fictionalized Scenario 
The fictionalized scenario that I presented above is one example, among many different types of situations, of the erotic transference and how it might appear in treatment and get worked through. There are times when clients, who feel too uncomfortable with their erotic and romantic feelings for their therapist, leave treatment and never work through these issues or the unmet childhood needs that tend to fuel these feelings.

While there are certainly times, especially if a psychotherapist is crossing professional boundaries, where clients should leave treatment before transferential feelings are worked through (and work them through with another more professional and ethical therapist), most of the time, it is beneficial to stay in treatment and get to the early core issues that are at the heart of the matter.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're overwhelmed with problems that you've been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist in New York City, who is psychoanalytically trained.

Since my psychoanalytic training, I have also developed expertise in other treatment modalities, including EMDR, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EFT and Sex Therapy.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Triangulation in Families and Love Triangles

When we think of "triangles" in relationships, we often associate them with "love triangles" where a person is romantically involved with two people at the same time. 

Typically, we think of the man or woman who is married or in a primary relationship who is having an affair with someone else. 

These relationships are often complex and usually don't end well for the people involved. But less talked about are triangles in family relationships and how this can lead to "love triangles" when children from these families become adults.

Triangulation in Families

What is Triangulation in Family Relationships?

In certain families, family members form unhealthy alliances against others in the family. This could be a mother and daughter against the father or a father and son against the mother or mother and son against the father or father and daughter against the mother, as well as other permutations of these triangular relationships.

Basically, in triangular relationships, there are usually two people against at least one other person. The two people who have aligned with each other usually have an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with each other and the other person that they are aligned against is the odd one out.

Needless to say, these triangular relationships are emotionally unhealthy and detrimental to all members of the family, regardless of whether they are part of the enmeshed alliance or the odd one out. These triangular relationships form for a variety of reasons. Generally, there is a power struggle going on in the family and the two that are aligned are trying to have power over the other family member.

Often, when children, who are in families with triangular relationships, grow up, they tend to triangulate in their adult relationships, often leading to illicit affairs or to triangles in their own families with their spouses and children.

A fictionalized account will serve to illustrate these points:

Tom:
Tom grew up as an only child. As far back as he could remember, his parents were always arguing.

When he was about seven years old, Tom's father, Scott, started confiding in Tom about how unhappy he was being married to Tom's mother, Nancy. Tom would listen to his father, just feeling happy that his father was spending time with him. Sometimes, he worried that his father would leave the household so, at those times, he made sure to pay extra special attention to his father's complaints, even though he didn't understand them.

Even though he didn't understand, Tom still felt it was important to be on his father's side. When he saw how unhappy his father was and he feared that his father would leave the household and abandon him, he felt very angry with his mother. Often when he was alone his mother, he would tell her, "Stop fighting with dad." Usually, his mother would respond by saying, "Your father is an idiot," which made Tom feel even more angry.

Tom's parents sometimes argued at night and this kept Tom up most of the night. When it was time to go to school, Tom was too groggy to get up. Often, this caused arguments between Nancy and Scott, with Nancy telling Tom that he needed to go to school, and Scott telling Nancy to leave Tom alone. Nancy usually left for work before Scott, and she would tell Tom to get up, get dressed, eat his breakfast and go to school. But after Nancy left, Scott would tell Tom that he didn't have to go to school and he could stay home with his paternal grandmother who lived downstairs.

Tom felt that his father was on his side since Scott allowed Tom to stay home. He especially felt this way when his mother got home and scolded him for not going to school and his father defended him.

Even after his grades began to slip, Scott allowed Tom to stay home from school when he didn't want to go. During that time, Tom's school engaged in "social promotion" so that even though he was not doing well, they kept allowing him to go to the next grade.

This pattern continued into Tom's adolescence. It seemed that Nancy and Scott had completely different ideas about child rearing. When Tom was 14 and Nancy found out that Tom was smoking, she hit the roof and forbade Tom to smoke. But when Nancy wasn't around, Scott would provide Tom with cigarettes, and Tom thought this was "cool" of his father. When Nancy got home, she detected the cigarette smell on Tom and she and Scott would get into a screaming match.

By this time, Tom saw his father as "the cool one" and his mother as "the witch." Around that time, one day when Nancy and Scott were fighting about Tom failing his classes in junior high school, Tom lost his temper with his mother and told her to "shut up." He was filled with such rage against her that he felt like hitting her, but he punched the wall instead and broke his knuckles.

Nancy and Scott argued all the way to the ER. Seeing the dysfunctional dynamic, after attending to Tom, the ER doctor recommended that the three of them attend family counseling. Nancy agreed, but Scott and Tom refused to go.

By the time Scott was 16, he was smoking marijuana with his friends. One of those friends' mother called Nancy and told her that her son was smoking marijuana with her son and she wanted to put a stop to it. When Nancy told Scott about it, he brushed it off and told her that she was making too big a deal about it. When Tom got home, he found his parents arguing about it and he aligned with his father against his mother.

After Tom moved out on his own, his parents decided to get a divorce. Tom still had a lot of anger towards his mother. He felt that she was always trying to stop him from doing things that he wanted to do, but he thought that his dad understood him. He also thought his father was better off without her.

When Tom was in his mid-20s, he entered into a relationship with Ann. At first, he enjoyed being with her and he had fun. But as the relationship got more serious, Tom became fearful of the intimacy. He knew that he loved Ann, but he often found the relationship to be "too intense."

One day, he met Susan at a local bookstore, and he started dating her without telling Ann and without telling Susan that he was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. Once he began the affair with Susan, even though she was unaware of it, Tom entered into a classic "love triangle".

After he began dating Susan, he felt more comfortable in his relationship with Ann. Whenever he felt that things were getting "too intense" with Ann, he would go out with Susan. After a while, he got good at juggling these two relationships. But one day, Susan confronted him by telling him that her friend saw him with Ann and that it was obvious that he was in a relationship with her.

Tom tried to lie, but he knew that Susan knew the truth, so he admitted that he was in a primary relationship with Ann. He expected that Susan would leave him, but she told him that she didn't want to end their relationship and she begged Tom to leave Ann for her.

Tom wasn't sure what to do. He liked seeing both women and he wasn't sure if he would be happy with just one of them. He considered Ann to be his primary relationship and, after he thought about it for a while, he told Susan that he wasn't leaving Ann. To his amazement, Susan continued to see him, knowing that she was "the other woman."

Then, one day, Susan found Ann's telephone number on Tom's cell phone and called her. She told Ann all about her affair with Tom and that she would wait for Tom to leave Ann. When Ann angrily confronted Tom about this, he felt that Ann was overreacting. He left Ann to go be with Susan that night, and the two of them aligned with each other and agreed that Ann was blowing things out of proportion.

Susan told Tom that she would never leave him and she would wait for him as long as it took. Tom was very flattered by this. In the meantime, Ann threatened to leave Tom if he didn't end things with Susan. When Tom told Susan this, she told Tom that Ann couldn't really love him that much if she was threatening to leave and she was the one who really loved Tom, not Ann.

Two weeks later, Ann ended the relationship with Tom. He was surprised that he missed her as much as he did, even when he was with Susan. He tried to get Ann back, but she refused to see him or take his calls.

Susan was thrilled that Ann was out of the picture because she thought that now she would have Tom all to herself. But once Tom was no longer in a "love triangle" with Ann and Susan, he began to feel very uneasy. He didn't want to spend all of his time with Susan. It frightened him and he felt it was "too intense." So, when he met Linda, he began dating her without telling Susan--until Susan found out and she left him.

Tom's relationships continued in this way until he was in his 30s and he began to feel that his life was empty. He continued to create "love triangles" without fully understanding why. By the time his next relationship with a woman named Amy ended, he felt despondent and exhausted. He loved Amy more than any other woman that he had ever loved and his feelings frightened him more than ever, which lead him to engage in his usual pattern--to cheat on her as a way to distract himself from his scary feelings.

After Amy left him, Tom realized that he couldn't continue to live his life this way, and he began psychotherapy. His psychotherapist helped Tom to understand the connection between the triangular relationship he had with his father and mother and the "love triangles" that he formed in his romantic relationships. He realized that he had a lot of hard work to do in therapy to overcome his fear of intimacy so he could have a healthy relationship.

Over time, Tom was able to confront his fear of intimacy. He entered into a relationship with Betty and, whenever he felt tempted to act out by going outside their relationship, rather than act out impulsively, he talked about it with his therapist and avoided the impulse to act out. He also worked through the effects of his dysfunctional relationship with his parents.

As the above fictionalized account illustrates, people who create "love triangles" in their relationships often (although not always) grew up in families were there was triangulation. When they become adults, triangulating seems normal and natural to them and, not only will they do this in their romantic relationships, but they often create these triangles in their friendships, pitting one friend against another.

Triangles in families and in romantic relationships usually give the person at the head of the triangle (like Tom) the sense of power. Triangulation also serves as a defense against feeling alone and vulnerable. It usually creates havoc in families and romantic relationships and is detrimental to all involved.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are aware that you tend to create triangles in your family or your romantic relationships, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help. 

Rather than continuing in destructive patterns that are damaging to yourself and to those you care about, with professional help from a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area, you can learn how to function in healthy and loving ways in your relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples overcome the detrimental effects of triangulation so that they can have more satisfying relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me

Are You Too Afraid of the Emotional Pain of Leaving an Unhappy Relationship?

For many people in unhappy relationships, the thought of dealing with the pain of a breakup seems overwhelming. As a result, many people remain in unhappy relationships because they're too afraid of what they anticipate will be unrelenting emotional pain. This fear often causes them to rationalize that "the devil that I know is better than the devil that I don't know" so rather than considering that they could find happiness with someone else in the future, they remain emotionally paralyzed in relationships that, from an emotional perspective, have really ended a long time ago.

Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?

Fear of Leaving the Relationship
Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, and you're not always going to be happy every moment of your relationship. 

Many relationships go through rough patches that can be worked out with time and effort. For many of these relationships, if the issues can't be worked out within the couple, they can be worked out in couples or marriage counseling.

But I'm not referring to relationships with average problems that can be worked through. I'm referring to relationships where either one or both people really know that it's over, but they're too afraid to leave and face an unknown future. Aside from being too afraid to deal what they anticipate will be overwhelming emotional pain, these people fear that they won't meet anyone else and they'll be alone and lonely for the rest of their lives.

Often, when people have remained in unhappy relationships for a while, they begin to lose their sense of self confidence. They might feel unattractive or socially inept and that no one else could be interested in them.

When people remain in relationships that have ended in all but name only, they often feel resentment towards their partners as well as towards themselves for feeling so stuck. This only makes their problems worse.

Infidelity Before Ending the Relationship
Some people begin to search for other potential partners before they end their current relationship because they're so fearful of being alone. Adding infidelity to these problems is a sure recipe for disaster.

Getting Help in Therapy
Rather than suffering alone and remaining stuck indefinitely in an unhappy relationship that you know in your heart is over, you could seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area. 

A licensed psychotherapist, who has helped others to overcome this problem, can help you to overcome your fear and ambivalence so that you can make a decision to either stay or go rather than remaining paralyzed with fear. 

A licensed psychotherapist can also help you to navigate through the emotional upheaval of the breakup. With professional help, you can learn to cope with the crisis and, eventually, to thrive in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York. City psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many individuals and couples overcome problems in their relationships, including dealing with the emotional upheaval of a breakup.

I have found that, in many cases, clients discover that the emotional fallout of a breakup, while painful, is not always as unbearable as many people anticipate, and being able to make a decision without paralyzing fear can be freeing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Relationships: Should You Stay or Should You Go

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Standing at the proverbial crossroad is something that everyone faces at some point in his or her life. It can be an exhilarating time with new hope and possibilities or it can be a fearful, paralyzing time that keeps you frozen in stagnation. 

How you respond when you're standing at the crossroad might depend on many factors, including your comfort level with change, how you respond to risk, your personal history, your self confidence, whether you chose to be at this particular crossroad, your life stage, and your view of the world.

Fear of Making a Major Life Decisions

If you look forward to new challenges, you'll have an easier time than if you feel fearful and frozen by the possibility of making changes. Ideally, if you've considered the risks of the particular paths available to you, if you feel optimistic about your decision-making abilities and your ability to make a course correction, if needed, standing at the crossroads can be an exciting time.

But if the thought of making a major life decision makes you want to pull the covers over your head, you could benefit from seeking the help of a trusted friend, family member, or a licensed mental health professional. Friends and family members can be helpful when you're faced with major life decisions. But if they have the same trepidation about making major life decisions, they might reinforce your own fears.

Even for some people who relished challenges in their teens and 20s, making a major life decision when they're older can be daunting.

The following fictionalized scenario, which is not about any one particular person, is an example of how a person can overcome his fear when faced with making a major life decision:

Ben:
Ben had fantasized about starting his own consulting firm for many years. He often thought about what it might be like to be his own boss, make his own hours, and reap the benefits of his hard work. But Ben felt comfortable working for the large consulting firm where he had worked for more than 20 years. He earned a good salary, and he felt secure. So, even though Ben daydreamed about working for himself, especially when he felt frustrated about his job, he never seriously considered how he could turn his fantasy into a reality.

Every so often when Ben came home and complained to his wife, Barbara, about his frustrations at work, she would remind him about his dream of having his own business. She would encourage him to think seriously about it, especially now that their children had graduated from college and were in good jobs, and she was doing well at her law firm. She told him that he had the skills, knowledge, and the contacts to be successful. And even if it took a while for him to get his business off the ground, her salary would more than see them through. Most of all, she told him, he would be happier.

On some level, Ben knew that Barbara was right. But he couldn't get himself to even consider making a plan for a potential new business. Whenever he even started to consider the possibility, he felt a churning in his gut and he pushed the idea out of his mind.

Barbara was aware of how frightening it was for Ben, so she never pushed the idea on him. However, she told him that she remembered a time, when they both were in their 20s, that he would have jumped at the chance, if they had been in a better financial situation at the time. She told Ben that she remembered when he was more comfortable taking risks back then. She reminded him of the time, after he graduated college, when he traveled all over Europe, staying in youth hostels, taking odd jobs to support himself, and loving the sense of adventure that he felt.

At the time, Ben's parents wanted him to settle down and find a secure job. Having lived through the Depression, his parents tended to be anxious about finances, even though they were financially secure by the time that Ben was in college. But, at the time, he was living out his dream to see countries that he had always fantasized about.

Whenever Ben thought about that time, he smiled to himself. He had fond memories of his travels after college. He knew that he was much more adventurous at that time, and he often wondered whatever happened to that more daring part of himself. But whenever he had these thoughts, he would soon dismiss them and focus on his life now.

One day Ben was called into his director's office. As soon as he entered the office, he saw that the human resources director was also there. After a few moments, his director told Ben that he was very sorry to inform him that he was being laid off due to company cutbacks. Ben's mouth went dry. He felt like he was having a bad dream. The human resources director told Ben that they could possibly save his job if he was willing to take a significant pay cut. He told Ben that he should think it over, talk to his wife, and get back to them by the end of the month. He also told Ben that if he chose not to take the pay cut, he would be laid off with the standard severance.

When Ben left the director's office, his mind was reeling. He was unable to focus on anything for the rest of the day. He had always assumed that, since he had been there for so long, his job was secure.

When he talked to Barbara, he told her that he felt hurt and angry to be treated this way by the company that he had been loyal to for more than 20 years. He was especially angry about the possibility of remaining with the company and taking a large pay cut. But then he thought about his parents, who put financial security above all else, and he thought that maybe he should take the pay cut rather than be out of a job. He went back and forth in his conversation with his wife, trying to decide if he should stay or go.

Barbara listened patiently to what Ben had to say, and when he finished, she told him that she thought he would be selling himself short if he took the offer to stay with a reduced salary. She thought he deserved much better than this. She also told him that this would be a perfect time to start his own business.

Ben felt gripped with fear. He also felt a lot of pressure to make a decision by the end of the month. Rationally, he knew that Barbara was right. They could live comfortably on her salary. They were not in debt. They also had ample savings. He knew that there was no rational reason why he couldn't take a leap of faith and start his own business. He also knew, deep down, that he would be successful. And yet, something stopped him. He felt paralyzed by fear.

Even though he had never been in therapy before, he sought the help of a psychotherapist so that he could work through whatever fears were keeping him frozen in his tracks. After a few sessions, Ben realized that he had taken on his parents' fears about financial security. He couldn't understand how or when this happened because, when he was younger, he never wanted to be this way. But he realized that, over the years, these fears, while not as great as his parents', kept him from taking risks in his life.

With the help of his therapist, who used hypnotherapy, Ben was able to access and tap into that younger, more adventurous part of himself. He began to experience, on a visceral level, how excited and happy he felt when he used to face new challenges. And even though he was no longer in his 20s, he learned to tap into that part of himself to find the courage to face this major life decision before him.

By the end of the month, Ben informed his director that he would take the severance package. He felt exhilarated and comfortable with his decision. He also began working hard at beginning his new business. And whenever he felt his old fears come up again, he worked with his therapist to overcome those obstacles.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're standing at the crossroads, facing a major life decision, rather than remaining frozen by fear, you can realize that you're not alone and you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. You might find, especially if you choose to work with a psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis, that you're able to access a more daring, adventurous part of yourself. 

This might even be a part of yourself that you never even knew that you had. And, often, when you begin to access that part of yourself in one area of your life, you will experience the upward spiral in many other areas of your life too.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients overcome their fears about making major life decisions so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Power of Making a Commitment

How wonderful it is to have an inspirational idea or a flash of insight that gives us that heady feeling of elation! That moment when the light bulb burns bright in your brain. Suddenly, you know intuitively what you need to do and you can't wait to get started. But when you think back on the many inspirational ideas and flashes of insight that you've had, how many of them have you brought to fruition? As wonderful as inspirational ideas might be, without the power of commitment, they will remain just fleeting ideas that don't go anywhere.

The Power of Making a Commitment

Whether it's an idea, a relationship, a career path, or a desire for self improvement, in order to succeed at whatever you've chosen to do, you'll need a strong commitment and the will and determination to see it through even when the going gets rough.

Successful People Usually Have the Power of Commitment:
One of the important differences between people who are successful and people who are not, whether it's success in relationships or success in careers (or however you're defining success) is that successful people usually have unshakable will and the power of commitment to do whatever it is that they set out to do. That doesn't mean that they always succeed in everything that they do, but they tend to succeed more often than the people who get easily discouraged and abandon their ideas, relationships or dreams.

Having said that, there are times when you have to reconsider what you might have wanted initially. For instance, if you've decided to that you want to overcome your fear of skiing and you're driving with all due determination to Vermont, but you realize that you're going the wrong way, you'll need to back track or get new directions in order for you to get to where you want to go.

In the same vein, if you've met someone that you think is wonderful and you feel determined to make that relationship work, but you find out that this person isn't trustworthy, sheer determination and commitment won't change what is bound to be an unhealthy relationship. So, determination doesn't mean that you plow ahead stubbornly no matter what.

Have You Noticed Certain Detrimental Patterns in Yourself When It Comes to Making Commitments?
At the same time, if you find that you have a pattern of starting out with enthusiasm and then getting easily discouraged, that's a different matter. The emphasis here is on the word "pattern." It's one thing to change course when it's necessary in certain instances and it's another thing if your tendency is to give up because of fear, frustration or lack of self confidence. A pattern of giving up often exacerbates a fragile sense of confidence, making it more difficult to try the next time.

Fear Can Be a Powerful Obstacle in Following Through with Your Commitments:
Everyone has had to face fear in his or her life. Whether you encounter fear of failure or fear of success or fear of fear, you're bound to encounter some degree of fear when you step outside of your comfort zone, especially with a new relationship, idea or venture. Following through and sticking with it often involves risk which can be frightening. Hopefully, these risks are calculated risks and not rash actions that are not well thought out. But even calculated risks can be frightening.

Having the fear is one thing, but allowing the fear to paralyze you until you're too frozen to move forward is something else.

Successful People Often Feel Confident in Themselves:
Aside from being committed, determined and having a strong will to succeed, successful people usually feel confident in themselves. Even when faced with a crowd of naysayers, they usually feel confident that, despite obstacles, they're going to succeed. (Now, when I say "confident," I don't mean arrogant.) Often, their confidence stems from having a track record of having overcoming many obstacles and succeeding in the past due to the power of their commitment to whatever it is their attempting to do.

The following fictionalized scenario, which does not represent any one person or persons, demonstrates how the power of commitment can make all the difference:

Dan and Jane:
Dan and Jane were both hired on the same day to work as managers in different departments for a medium size consulting firm. Both of them reported to the same director. Both of them were told at the outset that the organization had gone through many changes, morale was low, and that part of their mission in their respective departments was to help employees transition through these organizational changes and to boost morale and productivity.

Both Dan and Jane started out with a lot of enthusiasm and had many ideas on how to improve things in their departments. Each of them met weekly with the director to discuss their plans and how to implement them.

Several months later, they both encountered problems with organizational politics as well as resistance from their employees to new ideas. Both of them were under a lot of stress to turn things around despite the obstacles that they encountered. Both of them worked long hours to revise and modify their plans, in the face of certain obstacles, and they presented these revisions to the director.

They each felt a certain amount of frustration. However, the way that each of them handled his and her frustration was completely different. Whereas both of them started with a lot of enthusiasm, Dan handled his frustration and stress by allowing himself to feel discouraged. Jane, on the other hand, used her frustration and stress to fuel her passion to get the job done. Whereas Dan's confidence began to plummet with each new obstacle that he encountered, Jane was tenacious. She kept forging ahead feeling confident that she would succeed despite the obstacles.

By year end, Dan felt burnt out and discouraged. His confidence was at an all time low. As a result, he scheduled a meeting with his director to talk about resigning. Jane also had a difficult year and she didn't accomplish everything that she hoped to do, but her commitment to the process was so strong that she continued to feel passionate and excited about her work.

When Dan met with his director, the director refused to accept Dan's resignation. The director knew that Dan was a good manager with excellent ideas, but he lacked the power of commitment and the confidence that he needed to see projects through to completion. He talked to Dan about his own experiences with these obstacles early on in his career and how much he was helped by going to therapy to work them out. He recommended that Dan seek help.

Dan was moved by his director's self disclosure and the director's confidence in him. After his talk with the director, Dan felt inspired and motivated to start therapy. Although he did not tell his director this, he knew that throughout his life he would often start out with enthusiasm and drive, but when problems arose, he would allow himself to get easily discouraged and abandon his efforts before completion. He knew that he was not as confident in himself as he would like to be. He also knew that whenever he abandoned his efforts because he felt discouraged, this made him feel worse about himself so it became a vicious cycle. More than anything, Dan wanted to get out of this vicious cycle so he could feel confident and accomplished in his life.

Dan began psychotherapy feeling motivated to change. But as soon as he and his therapist began talking about difficult early childhood issues which were at the root of Dan's problems, he started to feel uncomfortable and less enthusiastic about his therapy. Gradually, he started finding reasons to cancel his sessions. At times, his reasons were legitimate but, more often than not, his reasons were a cover up for avoiding his fear of dealing with these difficult personal issues.

When his therapist pointed out to Dan that he was starting to do the same thing in therapy that he did in the rest of his life when he felt fearful, frustrated or discouraged, Dan recognized that his therapist was right. He also recognized that fear was a powerful obstacle in deterring him from completing many goals in his life as well as from staying in relationships that had some problems but were otherwise healthy relationships.

As Dan continued in therapy, he and his therapist worked on how Dan could move through his fear without letting it stop him. He realized that successful people often have fears, but they move forward anyway without allowing their fears to paralyze them. More than anything, he wanted to learn how to do this for himself too. With help from his therapist, he learned to manage his fear and stress level through mindfulness meditation, yoga, working out at the gym, continuing to talk about it and learn new tools in his psychotherapy sessions.

Throughout this process, whenever he felt tempted to leave therapy, Dan dealt with his fear directly rather than allowing himself to make excuses around it. In doing this, he renewed his commitment to his therapy and to overcoming his problems. His renewed commitment allowed him to get through the difficult times in therapy. Seeing that he could get through the difficult times gave him more confidence that he could overcome his personal obstacles.

Within a few months, Dan was on an upward spiral. Not only was he more open and motivated in his therapy, but he also felt renewed energy, motivation and commitment at work. When he met with his director, the director commented on noticing the changes in Dan and told him to keep up the good work.

Within the next year, Dan got involved with a woman that he really cared about a lot. When he recognized the first signs of his feeling discouraged and less committed when relatively minor problems developed, he knew that he was encountering his lifelong pattern with relationships, and he was able to work through this in his therapy. Rather than allowing fear to immobilize him or cause him to leave the relationship precipitously, he stuck it out and renewed his commitment to the relationship, which proved to be instrumental in working out their problems.

The reasons why people lose their sense of commitment are as varied as the people themselves. There is no one-size fits all solution or "magic bullet." And, as previously mentioned, the power of commitment doesn't always mean that you succeed in everything that you do. But, when you feel committed and passionate, you're more likely to succeed in the long run.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize in yourself a pattern of abandoning your commitments, you owe it to yourself and to your loved ones to overcome this problem. Working through this type of problem is not always easy, but it often makes for a more rewarding and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fears about making commitments so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist 

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

As a psychotherapist in New York City, it's not unusual for me to work with clients who come in because they're upset about a loved one's behavior. It might be a husband who refuses to stop drinking, a mother who continues to be masochistic, a father who is emotionally detached, a sister who has a long history of getting involved with abusive men, and so on.

 

Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

Trying to Get Loved Ones to Change:
Listening to these sad stories, I can certainly understand and feel compassion for someone who is sad and dismayed that his loved one continues to engage in dysfunctional or self destructive behavior, and that his inclination is to try to "fix" them in some way. After all, don't we all want the best for the people that we love?

Searching for "Just the Right Words" to Get Your Loved One to Change:
Often, clients come to therapy because they think they're going to learn what to do or say to change someone else's behavior. They think if they say just the right thing in just the right way, maybe they can get their loved ones to see their point of view so that they can start changing their behavior. They reason that if only they can come up with the perfect solution, their spouse, father, mother, sister, or best friend will "see the light" and everything will be okay.

Often, these clients will ask me, "Have you worked with anyone who has this problem?" (referring to their loved ones). As an experienced, psychotherapist, usually, I have experience working with people who have the same kinds of problems. At that point, when I tell them that I have, clients are relieved to know that I understand what they're talking about.

The very next question is usually, "So, what did you do or say to change that person?" When I tell a client that I don't have the power to change anyone, they often seem mystified. After all, isn't that why people come to see psychotherapists--so the therapist can make them change? Well, not really.

No One Can Make Anyone Change if He Doesn't Want to Change:
The truth is that no one can make anyone change if he or she doesn't want to change. Even when they want to change, it's not the psychotherapist's job to get them to change. When I realized that, as a psychotherapist in training, it was a humbling experience.

But, ultimately, it was a big relief: As long as I know that I did everything that I know how to do, my responsibility ends there. I might wish for a different outcome for my client, but I'm not responsible for making anyone change or saving anyone or forcing them to do anything that they didn't want to do. It's completely up to the client. I can provide compassion, some guidance and tools, help them to explore underlying issues, assist them to overcome trauma, help them through the healing process, but I can't make anyone do anything that they don't want to do.

For many clients who come in because they want to change someone else that is close to them, they often don't believe me, at first, when I tell them this. It's as if they're thinking, "Surely, she must have the answer and she's waiting for me to come up with it myself, but if I don't figure it out, she'll tell me."

"But I keep telling him that he needs to change. Why doesn't he listen to me?"
One of the saddest things that I hear in my office from clients who are trying to get someone else to change is, "But I keep telling him that if he continues to do this, he'll destroy himself. I can't understand why he doesn't listen to me." Then, often, they'll ask me to speculate as to why their loved one is not listening to reason (as if I know). They seem to think if they can only figure out why this person is not listening to them, then they can get them to listen and to change.

Just like anyone else, in the past, I've experienced these feelings too for people that I've cared about and wanted to change. So, I have a lot of compassion for clients who come in hoping that they'll learn what they can do to change or save their loved ones. I've been there, and I know what that's like. But the longer I do this work, the more I realize that some people are just not going to change, no matter how much you want them to and, sometimes, no matter how much they say they want to change.

One of the hardest things that I have to tell clients is that their loved one is probably not going to change, no matter what they say to their loved ones and no matter what they do. I wouldn't say "never" to anyone because I've also seen many people make miraculous changes in their lives. Having witnessed this, I'm always open to the possibility of someone turning their lives completely around. Every year, I get calls or emails from former clients who tell me that they're continuing to live sober lives, or they continue to be much happier than when they first came to therapy, or whatever changes they made that they might never have thought that they could make. It's so gratifying and heart warming to hear from these clients.

I Meet Extraordinary People in My Office Every Day:
So, it's not that I don't believe that people can change--because I meet extraordinary people every day, and I'm so grateful to have a job where I can witness such wonderful changes. The problem is that when clients come to therapy focused almost exclusively on changing someone else, they often neglect themselves. Not only do they neglect themselves, but they've become so immersed in trying to get the other person to change that, they're convinced, against all odds, that they can do something to get their loved ones to change.

The Role of Denial:
Years ago, I had a friend who, up until the day his wife died from alcohol-related complications, was convinced that he could get her to stop drinking. He was in such denial that, despite all evidence to the contrary (including her severe liver damage, cognitive impairment, and her non-stop drinking), he could not be deterred from his efforts to get her to be abstinent from alcohol. When she died, even though he had watched her steady decline at close range, he was the only person who was surprised by her death. He was also shattered to realize that nothing he did made any difference.

The Role of the Inner Child:
Very often, when an adult child wants to change a parent, there is an inner child part that is wishing, against all odds, that the parent will change. Clients are often surprised to hear that, even though they might be adults in their 40s, 50s and beyond, they can still have inner child parts that are still operating on a deep emotional level. They're surprised to discover that their inner child has taken control of their emotions and their reasoning, and this can have a very powerful effect on how they feel and think.

Your inner child might be buried deep, but he or she is still there and will often get emotionally triggered in certain situations. Typically, these situations involve an old desire, that is still very strong, to change someone that he or she loves. It doesn't have to be the same person that they wanted to change as a child. It could be someone else. So, for example, if a young boy had a strong desire to stop his alcoholic mother from drinking, it's not unusual for him to have the same feelings when he gets married to a woman who is an active alcoholic.

Helping the Inner Child to "Update the File:" "That was Then, This is Now":
Because our inner children are often so fragile and vulnerable emotionally, we don't want to run roughshod over them. However, we do want to help our inner children to realize that "that was then, and this is now. Of course, you had a strong wish and fantasy that your mother would stop drinking and somehow you would help her to stop. That was perfectly understandable back then, but this is now. "

Typically, a therapist, who works with clients who come to therapy primarily to help a loved one, helps these clients to "update the file." Often, this involves trauma work to work through the old trauma that is getting triggered again in the new situation. There is also grief work to be done for the old situation and the current situation.

On the Road to Acceptance: "So...I guess she's probably not going to change."A client who is starting to come to grips with the fact that their loved one is probably not going to change will often say, almost in a questioning tone,"So...I guess she's probably not going to change." This is a big step in that client's recovery. It might be a tentative step, and it might involve taking one step forward and another step backwards as denial sets in again. But it's the beginning of an opening for the adult self to nurture that inner child.

Focusing on Yourself:
Rather than continuing to neglect themselves by focusing so much on changing the other person, clients who are coming to grips with the reality of their situation, ideally, begin to focus on themselves. Maybe they've neglected their own health. Or, maybe they've neglected themselves in some other way because they've been so focused on their loved ones.

Coming to grips with the fact that, no matter how much we love them and what we're willing to do for them, sometimes, our loved ones just don't change, can be a very difficult emotional journey. We can go through many different stages as we, reluctantly, come to accept that they're not going to change: sadness, anger, disbelief, shock, and, hopefully, acceptance. We might go back and forth through these stages and there's no logical order.

Acceptance Can Be a Humbling Experience:
Accepting that you're the only one that you can change is a humbling experience. But it's often a relief for people who have worn themselves out trying to get the other person to change. By the time they stop trying, they often need to regroup and, sometimes, get to know themselves again. The focus has been so much on the other person that these people often lose a sense of themselves.

Codependence, But So Much More:
Often, what I've described in this article is called "codependence." I use this term myself, but I think it's, sometimes, misunderstood. And in the situations that I've described, where there is such a longing for the loved one to change, it doesn't even begin to capture what that experience is like for the person who is "codependent."

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're stuck in a battle with a loved one and, possibly with yourself, to try to get this loved one to change, you could benefit from psychotherapy for yourself. Your loved one either will or won't change, very often having nothing to do with what you try to do for him or her. But if in the process of your trying to get the other person to change, you lose yourself, then, really, all could be lost. So, the healthiest thing to do is to rediscover and take care of yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through their journey of acceptance in difficult situations. I've also helped them to rediscover and nurture themselves again.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.