Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion in Therapy

One of the most challenging aspects of beginning psychotherapy for many people is learning how to develop a sense of curiosity and compassion for themselves. 

Many clients begin psychotherapy with such shame and a harsh and punitive attitude towards themselves that it becomes very difficult for them to get past their negative feelings in order to heal and grow from their experiences.

Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion in Therapy

Helping clients to moderate and transform their punitive sense of self is one of the biggest challenges for a psychotherapist during the early stages of psychotherapy. Developing a sense of curiosity and self compassion is often one of the early goals of therapy so that clients can be more open to self exploration and healing.

The following vignette, as always, is a composite of many clients with no identifying information about any particular client:

Ronald:
Ronald began psychotherapy because he was filled with guilt, shame and self blame about his father's death.

Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion in Therapy

His father died of a sudden heart attack when Ronald was eight years old. At the time, Ronald's parents, who had a contentious relationship, weren't speaking. They often communicated with each other through Ronald, who was an only child. When they were not speaking to each other, it was not unusual for Ronald's mother or father to say to him, "Tell your father that dinner is ready if he wants to eat" or "Tell your mother that I'm going out for a walk."

At a very early age, Ronald grew up taking on an adult role between his parents. Since he was expected to fulfill a role that was far beyond his developmental capacity at such a young age, he was often filled with anxiety and guilt. He learned to be vigilant in his home environment, trying to "read" the mood between his parents, and anticipate what he could do to fulfill their needs.

One day, during one of those times when his parents weren't speaking, his mother told him to call his father to the dinner table. When Ronald went into the bedroom to get his father, his father told him that he wasn't feeling well and he needed to lie down for a while. When Ronald told his mother this, she became angry and began banging pots and pans on the stove as she complained about how unappreciative Ronald's father was about all that she did in the household.

Ronald recalled that, as a young, nervous child, he was startled and flinched with the sound of his mother's banging and complaining. He kept trying to think of what he could do to patch things up between his parents, but he couldn't think of anything, and he blamed himself for the unhappy state of affairs at home.

Later that evening after Ronald went to sleep, he was startled to hear a commotion in his parents' room. At first, he thought they were arguing again and he put the pillow over his ears to drown out the sound. But then he realized that something else was going on. As he got out of bed, he heard the voices and footsteps of several people rushing around the apartment. When he opened the door to his bedroom, Ronald was shocked to see his father, looking pale as a ghost, being carried out of the apartment by emergency medical technicians and placed in an ambulance.

Then, Ronald heard his mother sobbing in the other bedroom. When he ran into the room to see her, she told him, "Your father is dead. You're the man of the house now, Ronald."

When Ronald recounted this traumatic event in therapy, even though he was in his early 40s, he experienced the sadness, self blame, guilt and shame as if it was yesterday. He also re-experienced his mother's words as a heavy mantle that was placed on his shoulders that he always carried with him.

As an adult, Ronald understood intellectually that he was only eight when his father died and that there was nothing that he could have done to save him. But there was such a disconnect between what he knew rationally versus what he felt emotionally.

Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion in Therapy

He carried this heavy emotional burden with him so that it affected almost all of his close relationships. He was often the one that his family and friends turned to about their problems. But having grown up as a parentified child, he felt so undeserving himself that he never confided in anyone about his own problems.

In many ways, it was surprising that Ronald came to therapy at all. It was only after he began re-experiencing overwhelming anxiety around the anniversary of his father's death that Ronald even considered getting help for himself.

During the early stages of psychotherapy, Ronald and I worked together to help him develop a sense of curiosity and self compassion. At first, this was very difficult for him. He was filled with emotions about what he "should have done" and "could have done" to save his father.

He blamed himself for not calling the doctor when his father told him that he wasn't feeling well. He blamed himself for being asleep when his father had the heart attack and died. He also blamed himself for not being able to console his mother after the father's death.

Ronald's own sense of loss for himself after his father's death was suppressed, buried underneath all the negative feelings that he had for himself. The weight of those feelings was often palpable in the therapy room.

Talking about it did little good. Ronald would often say that, as an adult, he could look back now and see that there was nothing that an eight year old child could have done. But that intellectual insight did nothing to ease his emotional burden.

Using clinical hypnosis, Ronald and I worked to help him to access that younger part of himself that was the repository for much of his emotional pain. Slowly, over time, Ronald began to let go of his negative feelings so that he could develop more self compassion and a sense of curiosity about what happened to him.

Once he was able to develop self compassion and curiosity, the healing began. His intellectual insight developed into deeper emotional insight, and he forgave himself and his parents. For the first time, he mourned his father's death. He also mourned for that younger part of himself for what he didn't get emotionally as a child.

Freed from this emotional burden, Ronald was able to open up to a fuller and richer life. Although he maintained a sense of compassion and altruism for others, he no longer felt that he had to "fix" them or resolve their problems.

Developing Curiosity and Self Compassion in Therapy

I often hear people say that they don't understand how psychotherapy can help them because they "already know" what their problems are and what they should be doing to resolve them. It's often difficult for people who are not in therapy to understand that intellectual insight is not the same as emotional insight and it's often not enough to integrate trauma and create healing and transformation.

Regular talk therapy, although very useful in many situations, often is not enough when trying to work through trauma. Talking about a traumatic incident, where talk remains intellectual, is often not the same as working towards healing and integration through a mind-body oriented psychotherapy like clinical hypnosis or EMDR.

Many clients, who go from one form of talk therapy to another, come away with important intellectual insights about their problems, but they're not healed. Nothing really changes.

As a psychodynamically trained psychotherapist, I value the psychodynamic talk therapy process for many issues that clients bring to therapy and it informs my work. But I also know that regular talk therapy is often not enough and it's important for psychotherapists to have a variety of tools to use with their clients.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling with a traumatic event in your life, it's important to get professional help with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience working with trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship

Loneliness and lack of intimacy in relationships is not unusual. People who are lonely in their relationship usually don't like to admit it, except, maybe, to their closest friends or their psychotherapist because there is often a lot of shame associated with this.

People who feel lonely in their relationships often feel that loneliness only occurs among people who are, well, alone, and that if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be feeling this way.

Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship

But there are lots of reasons why relationships that start out well can, over time, devolve into relationships where one or both people feel lonely and the emotional and sexual intimacy go out the window.

Let's look at the following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of many different people, so that there is no identifying information that represents any one particular person:

Steve and Susan:
When Steve and Susan met in college, they fell in love with each other almost from the start. They had a very passionate one year relationship before they got married. Both of their parents wanted them to wait a year or two before they got married to give them time to get to know each other, but they couldn't see any reason to wait, so they got married right after college and moved into a small apartment in Manhattan.

A year into their marriage, Steve began to feel that there was "something missing" in his relationship with Susan. He wasn't sure what it was and he didn't even have words to describe it, but he knew that something had changed. He and Susan both had demanding jobs, so they spent almost no time together during the week. On the weekends, they were often both exhausted and too tired to go out, so they spent a lot of time watching TV. Whereas they had sex a few times a week during the first six months of their marriage, now, they only had sex a couple of times a month, which concerned Steve because he and Susan were still in their early 20s.

As time went on, Steve began to feel lonely and disconnected from Susan, even when they were spending time together. He often felt that when she was with him, she "wasn't there" emotionally. He felt that it was as if they were "going through the motions." Whereas he used to feel excited and alive when he was around Susan, he now felt bored and that the relationship had gotten into a rut.

Steve tried to talk to Susan about his concerns, but Susan was not someone who liked to talk about what she considered "negative feelings." So, whenever he tried to talk to Susan about it, she dismissed his feelings and told him that all relationships settle down after the first year or two and he shouldn't expect that they would feel the same kind of passion that they felt when they first met.

But Steve knew that there was more to it than that. He didn't feel close to Susan any more, and he was concerned and upset that he felt lonely around her. In the past, when he was single, it wasn't unusual for him to feel lonely, but he couldn't understand why he would feel lonely when he was with Susan.

As Steve's concern grew, he continued to try to talk to Susan about their relationship. But the more he tried, the more annoyed Susan felt and the more she avoided talking to Steve about his concerns. And the more Susan avoided talking to him about their relationship, the more Steve sensed that Susan was putting up an emotional "wall" between them that seemed to be growing thicker by the day. 

He knew that he still loved Susan, but he wasn't sure if he was still in love with her. And he resented that she refused to discuss their relationship, as if there was something wrong with him for having these concerns.

As time went on, Steve felt more and more distant from Susan. They had friends and they socialized, but Steve began to feel that his marriage was a sham. He felt that there was a disconnect between what he felt internally and how he felt he was expected by Susan to behave with her.

One day, when one of his coworkers, Laura, began to confide in Steve over lunch that there were problems in her marriage, Steve felt himself opening up to Laura about his own worries. Laura seemed to understand completely. She said she felt the same way in her marriage, and her husband refused to talk to her about it too.

This was the first time that Steve had a chance to tell anyone about his problems, and it was a great relief to feel heard and understood. Soon after that, Steve and Laura began having lunch more frequently, and Steve felt an attraction building for Laura. He knew that she was also attracted to him because she began flirting with him. He liked that she laughed at his jokes and that she admired him at work.

So, after a few weeks, when Laura told him that she had a friend who would let them use her apartment during their lunch break or after work, Steve was not surprised. 

Although he was flattered and he felt a strong sexual desire for Laura, especially since he and Susan were hardly having sex any more, he was not prepared to start cheating on Susan, so he gently and tactfully declined the first time that Laura suggested that they get together sexually. 

But as he continued to feel more and more emotionally and sexually frustrated in his marriage with Susan, he told Laura that he was ready to spend time with her at her friend's apartment.

On the day when he was supposed to meet Laura at her friend's apartment, Steve had a change of heart. He really didn't want to ruin his marriage, and he decided to try to talk to Susan one more time and, if that didn't work, before he began a sexual affair with Laura, he would rather separate from Susan first and think about getting a divorce.

That night when he went home, Steve told Susan that he thought their relationship was in serious trouble and if they didn't go for marriage counseling, he didn't think they would survive. Usually, Susan put up a wall whenever Steve tried to talk to her about their relationship but, somehow, he got through to her that day, at least enough to get her to agree to go for marriage counseling.

When Steve and Susan came for their first marriage counseling session, Steve was very open about his feelings and concerns. He talked about feeling lonely and disconnected in their relationship and how disappointed he felt that there was almost no emotional or sexual intimacy between them any more. Susan sat next to Steve and stared straight ahead. Whenever Steve looked at her to tell her how he felt, she continued to stare into space.

When it was her turn to talk, Susan had a lot of difficulty expressing her feelings. With some encouragement, she began to talk, but all she could say was that she wasn't sure what she felt any more, and people in her family almost never talked about their feelings and they certainly never went to marriage counseling to talk to "a stranger" about their feelings about their marriage. Not only was she anxious and angry, Susan also felt deeply ashamed to be sitting in a marriage counselor's office.

During the first few marriage counseling sessions, Susan continued to have a lot of difficulty identifying her feelings and talking. She retreated behind a wall and she seemed greatly relieved when the therapy hour was over.

It was only after Steve admitted in session that he was beginning to have feelings for his coworker, Laura, at work, that Susan's wall began to crumble. Steve told her that for a long time he had been feeling that maybe there was something wrong with him that he felt so lonely and empty whenever he was around Susan. 

But, he said, when he realized that he had sexual feelings for Laura and he felt close to her, even though he had not been sexual with her "yet," he realized that what he was feeling was a problem between him and Susan and not something that he alone was going through. He also told Susan about how he almost went to Laura's friend's apartment to have sex with Laura.

Steve told Susan that he still loved her and wanted to repair their marriage, but if she wasn't willing to do the work too, he was considering leaving her and having a sexual affair with Laura because he wanted to feel "alive" again.

When Susan heard this, she looked like she had been struck in the face. She began sobbing in that session and told Steve that she was terrified of exploring and talking about her feelings. She said that during the early stage of their relationship, she felt carried along on a wave of passion and love, but once their relationship settled down, she began to feel too afraid of the emotional intimacy of everyday life together and she shut down.

This was a breakthrough moment for Susan. After that, Steve agreed not to spend any more time with Laura, and Susan agreed to enter into her own individual psychotherapy with another therapist at the same time that Steve and Susan continued to come to marriage counseling.

During the course of their marriage counseling, it came to light that Susan and Steve had very different experiences in their family of origins with regard to expressing feelings.

Steve's family was very open to expressing their feelings. And Steve's mother and father had a close, loving relationship.

Susan's family was more reserved. Her parents never showed any affection for each other around Susan, and they almost never talked about their emotions. When Susan was growing up, whenever she tried to talk to either of her parents about anything that was bothering her, Susan felt like she was being a nuisance. Her mother often told her, "No one likes a whiner." So, she learned to stifle her feelings.

That's why Susan was so surprised that she felt the depth of feelings that she did for Steve during the early stage of their relationship. When it was new and exciting and they were getting to know each other, she felt carried along by the excitement. But she felt uncomfortable with the growing emotional intimacy that was developing after they got married, and she realized that she had shut down emotionally to protect herself from her own feelings of vulnerability.

Susan also realized that her emotional shut down lead to Steve's feeling disconnected from her and lonely when he was around her. And this was only made worse when Steve tried to talk to her about his feelings and she avoided these discussions.

And, for his part, Steve also realized that by acting out with Laura and almost having a sexual affair, he was also checking out emotionally from his marriage and putting up his own emotional barriers with Susan. 

He realized that even though he and Laura never had sex, they were starting to have an emotional affair because they were confiding in each other a lot and comforting one another. He also realized that even though Laura excited him, any affair that he had with her would have been motivated more by anger towards Susan than any sexual or tender feelings he felt towards Laura.

Steve and Susan remained in marriage counseling for two years. During that time, they learned to improve their communication with each other. Through the marriage counseling and in her own individual therapy, Susan began to feel more comfortable expressing her feelings with Steve. A few sessions with a sex therapist also helped them to revive their sexual relationship.

It wasn't easy but, over time, their relationship improved. As the emotional and sexual intimacy improved in their relationship, they both felt more connected to each other and more satisfied in their relationship. Steve no longer felt lonely when he was Susan, and Susan stopped defending against her feelings by shutting down emotionally.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are experiencing problems with loneliness and lack of intimacy in your relationship, you're not alone. Many couples go through this.

The important part is to admit that there's a problem and get help with an experienced couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes so you can both be happier.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I have helped many individuals and couples to revive their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing in Your Relationship?

Most of us know that being in a relationship is a two-way street that often involves certain compromises from both people. But how do we know when we've crossed over the line from compromising to self sacrificing to the detriment of our own well-being?

Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing in Your Relationship?

Self Sacrificing to the Point of Masochism:
Many years ago, when I was an undergraduate student, I had to take a required statistics course. The professor who taught this course was a notoriously bad teacher. He was also the only professor who taught this particular required course. 

He had been teaching the same course for 30 years and he made it very clear that he hated teaching and he was only there to get grant money for his biopsychology experiments. He told us on Day One that the dean had a folder six inches thick with complaints about him from students, but he was tenured and he could not be fired. So, he said, if we complained about him, it wouldn't do any good. 

He also made it clear that whether we got the concepts that he taught or not was of no importance to him. He explained that the required text book for this course was incomprehensible to most students, and we had better form study groups if we hoped to pass. The one positive thing that he said was that if we managed to get an "A" on his midterm, we would not have to take the final exam, and we would get an "A" for the class. We learned all of this on Day One.

By Day Two, several of us who were motivated formed a study group and agreed to meet on a regular basis to do assignments together and share what we each understood from class. We had to memorize formulas and we were not allowed to use calculators in class or on tests, which seems ridiculous now, but that's how it was then.

Overall, the group was fairly cohesive, except for one student who tended to miss our groups because of various problems that came up with her boyfriend. Let's call her Millie (not her real name).

Millie usually came to class frazzled and in a state of high anxiety. One day, we went to the cafeteria during a break and she told me that her boyfriend hated that she was taking college classes. Her motivation was that she was in a dead-end job, and she wanted to get a degree so she could get a better job and earn more money. Getting a college degree had always been her dream, but her parents couldn't afford to send her to college after she graduated high school, so she had to go to work. Like most of us in that class, she was balancing a full-time job and a hefty course load. She was the first one in her family to attend college, and she got no support from her family and even less from her boyfriend, who never attended college and couldn't hold onto a job.

It was not unusual for Millie to miss class and miss our group meetings. Usually, when we saw her the next time, she would be very apologetic. The first time that she missed our group, she told us afterwards that she had an allergic reaction to brownies that her boyfriend made. She said that he made the brownies with nuts because he "forgot" that she was highly allergic to nuts. When she told him that she couldn't eat the brownies because her throat would close up, she said he was very hurt and annoyed with her. So, to appease him, she ate one of the brownies and, soon afterwards, he had to rush her to the emergency room because she couldn't breathe. None of us said anything to Millie about her boyfriend, but we were all concerned that she would sacrifice herself in this way.

Another time, Millie came to our group completely unprepared. She said, "My boyfriend said that I always have my head stuck in a book, and I don't pay enough attention to him, so I skipped looking over my notes so he and I could watch his favorite TV show together." Even though we tried to help Millie get caught up with the assignment, it was obvious that she was already very lost. And since one concept builds on another in statistics, she was falling further and further behind due to her efforts to try to appease her demanding boyfriend.

I don't think I have ever studied so hard and memorized so many formulas in my life as I did in that statistics class. Fortunately, the people in my statistics study group and I worked very hard and did well on the midterm. All of us got A's--all except Millie. By the midterm, she was failing most of her classes, and she decided to drop out of college. She told me, "I have to concentrate on my relationship. I found out that my boyfriend was having an affair, and he blamed me because I wasn't paying enough attention to him."

By dropping out of college, Millie let go of her dream to be the first in her family to get a college degree. She also knew that her chances for getting a better job would be nil, and she would be unlikely to increase her earning power. She knew all of this, and yet she dropped out of college to try salvage a relationship with a boyfriend who was cheating on her and who seemed to offer her very little. After she dropped out, I never heard from Millie again. I hope that, eventually, she left that relationship where she sacrificed herself so much, to the point of masochism.

How Do You Know if You're Making Reasonable Compromises or if You're Sacrificing Yourself?
As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, being in a relationship often involves compromise and it should be a two-way street. When I say this, I don't mean that you're keeping a strict tally of the compromises that you've made and comparing them to the ones that your partner has made (or not made). But I do mean that, if you can be objective about it, overall, do you find that either you or your partner tends to be the one who compromises most of the time?


Reciprocity: "Give-and-Take" in Relationships
Is there reciprocity so that, over time, there is "give-and-take" in your relationship or is it lopsided either one way or the other? I stress the words "over time" because if you're in a long-term relationship, there might be periods in your relationship where one or the other of you might be the one who compromises more because of a particular situation.

For instance, in Millie's case, if she had been with a boyfriend who was more supportive of her attending college and they were going to be together for the long haul, he might have realized that there would be times when she wouldn't spend as much time with him as he would like until she got her degree. Maybe the compromise would have been that they carved out special times together for each other that were meaningful to both of them so that they preserved their relationship, but Millie also put in the necessary time to dedicate to her studies.

"Giving" Til It Hurts
What are you "compromising" about?

It's one thing to compromise about a movie and another thing to compromise your college education and your future. If one or both of you think that you're always going to get what you want in your relationship, chances are good that either the relationship won't work or one of you is going to be compromising to the point of self sacrifice.

For instance, if your religion or sense of spirituality is very important to you, but your partner puts you down because he or she has different views, if you give up your spirituality, you're giving up something that supports and sustains your well-being and is part of your core values. If you give up your spirituality and it's important to you, that's not compromising--you're engaging in self sacrifice.

Another example is if your partner asks you to give up your friendships or family relationships. Unless your friendships or family relationships are abusive, this is usually not a reasonable request. This isn't a compromise--it's self sacrifice. You can't get everything from your relationship, so it's important that you maintain strong ties to people who care about you.

Is whatever your "compromising" about eroding your self esteem?
To assess this in yourself, you need to try to be as objective as possible and ask yourself if you're engaging in behavior, at your partner's request, that is making you feel bad about yourself. If you're able to check in with yourself and go inside to see how it feels, do you come away feeling low? This is often an indicator that you're self sacrificing and not compromising.

For instance, when I was in high school, I knew a girl who had a very jealous boyfriend. Before she met her boyfriend, she used to like to wear makeup and look fashionable. She had good taste and a very good fashion sense, and it made her feel good about herself to look well. People usually complimented her on how well she looked. But after she started seeing her boyfriend, she changed how she looked to try to assuage his jealous nature. 

He felt that she was wearing her makeup and dressing fashionably to attract other boys, which was not the case. She was doing it for herself. But he only wanted her to dress fashionably and wear makeup for him when they were alone. So, to appease him, she stopped wearing makeup and began dressing in a matronly way, except for when she was with him. Her boyfriend was satisfied, but she felt badly about herself most of the time. Fortunately, eventually, she saw his jealous and controlling behavior for what it was, left him, and she met someone else who was much better suited for her.

Ask Your Trusted Friends
Sometimes, it's hard for us to see things about ourselves and our relationships objectively. It's easy to make excuses for ourselves or our partners. But if you have trusted friends that you confide in, they might be more objective about what's going on for you in your relationship than you are. Maybe they're not saying anything to you right now because they're afraid of hurting your feelings or they don't want to jeopardize your friendship with them by telling you something that you might not be open to hearing.

But if you can open your mind and your heart to hearing things that you might find difficult to hear, you might learn something about yourself and your relationship that you aren't admitting to yourself. If you have trusted friends who can communicate with you in a tactful and honest way, you can take in what they have to say and see if it resonates with you. Often, our friends tell us things that we already know deep down inside but that we've been too afraid to admit to ourselves.

Seek Professional Help to Make Changes:
Suspecting or knowing that you might have an imbalance in your relationship when it comes to making compromises is one thing. Being able to change that imbalance is often another thing.

Having intellectual insight isn't always enough to make the necessary changes that you need to make. You might need the help of a licensed mental health professional to help you to make those changes.
If your partner is willing to go to couples counseling, you might benefit from working with a professional who has experience working with couples.

If your partner is unwilling to seek help with you, you shouldn't suffer by yourself. As an individual, you could benefit from working with a professional who specializes in relationships. Sometimes, partners who are unwilling at first become more willing once you begin getting help and will eventually join you. But if he or she isn't ready, if you feel "stuck," you still could benefit from getting help, whether you stay in the relationship or not.

Very often, taking the first step of acknowledging that you need help, and taking action to get help, is the first step down the road to a better sense of health and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in NYC.

I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many clients with relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice

In my last article, I wrote about the core self in relation to Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems' model Internal Family Systems - Self Leadership. I focused on the "exile parts," which are parts of ourselves that contain trauma, emotional pain, and shame. I also mentioned the core self, which is that deep, central, internal place where we know intuitively and compassionately what's best for us. Another way of describing the core self is with the metaphor of the "inner voice."

What is Your Inner Voice?
The inner voice (or core self) is like an internal wise guide who helps us navigate through life. Some people talk about it in terms of having "a hunch" or "a sense" or "a gut reaction." 

Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice

It's a felt sense and when you feel it, it feels right to you. When you're trying to make a decision and you sense your inner voice guiding you, that internal guidance resonates intuitively with you.

Discovering or Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice:
There are many people who struggle to discover or reclaim the power of the inner voice.

I believe that your inner voice is never totally lost. I believe that it remains there to be discovered or reclaimed, even under the worst of circumstances.

Certain situations, like early trauma or an oppressive relationship, can often squelch the inner voice so that you're hardly aware of it or, in extreme cases, not aware of it at all. Under these circumstances, the inner voice is often suppressed so that it feels like it's no longer available. Sometimes, a person who is so burdened by emotional problems might forget his or her inner voice exists.

Reclaiming the Power of the Inner Voice through Creativity and Psychotherapy:
Many years ago, I met a woman in my neighborhood through a local civic group. I'll call her Betty (not her real name). In recent years, after she reclaimed the power of her inner voice, Betty has been very open with many people about her story, including telling her story at many public readings, so I'm not divulging anything here without her permission.

Back then, when I was first getting to know Betty through our work, I discovered that I enjoyed her company. We began to talk about creative writing, which I had recently resumed at that point. I shared some of my short stories with her and she showed me stories that she had written many years before. I thought her writing was quite good and I told her this. I was also curious why she had stopped writing. She said that she often felt an urge to resume her writing, but she didn't.

One evening, after our civic group meeting, I went to Betty's house to have dinner. She introduced me to her husband, Ben (not his real name) who greeted me warmly and welcomed me to their home. He was so kind and charming towards me that I was completely taken by surprise when I saw how he treated Betty during our dinner. Whenever Betty said anything, Ben interrupted her by either talking over her, contradicting her or criticizing what she said. The first time that it happened, I felt mildly annoyed. But as it continued to happen, it was all that I could do to contain myself in this awkward situation.

I could see that Betty was deeply affected by Ben's oppressive behavior. Her whole demeanor changed: her eyes were downcast, she lowered her head, and she began slumping in her chair. It was a painful transformation to watch. I was really just getting to know Betty, and this was not a side of her that I had seen before. Although I felt an inclination to defend her, I really wanted her to take a stand on her own and defend herself but, unfortunately, she didn't. The more that Ben interrupted, contradicted and criticized her, the more she caved in emotionally and physically.

As you can imagine, dinner felt like it went on forever. When it was finally over, Ben pushed his dishes in Betty's direction, pushed his chair back and excused himself while he went out to the back porch to smoke a cigar. I had the feeling that he had never washed a dish in that household during the 25 years that they had been together. When he left the room, I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief. It was as if, until then, he had sucked the air out of the room.

As I helped Betty put the dishes in the dishwasher, I struggled with what to say to her. At that point, she wasn't someone that I knew well, so I didn't feel like I could talk to her as a close friend about such a personal topic as her relationship with her husband, so I didn't say anything.

Sensing what I was thinking, Betty said to me, "You mustn't mind Ben. He doesn't mean any harm." Before I could respond, she quickly changed the subject and showed me around the house. When we went upstairs, we came to the door of a room that she described, almost apologetically, as her art studio. She started walking past the door, when I told her that, if she didn't mind, I'd like to see some of her art work. Betty seemed surprised that I was interested and she was very dismissive of her art, telling me that she was never very good at it and she hadn't done any work in a long time.

With a fair amount of hesitation, Betty opened the door and I was surprised and delighted to find beautiful paintings--portraits and landscapes. The colors and shapes were bold and full of life. There was such a contrast between the bold expressions in her art work and her demure behavior around her husband that I was shocked. Then, Betty told me that she had gradually given up her painting as well as her writing a few years after she got married. She said she had very little time at that point between taking care of the children when they were younger and taking care of her husband, so she gave it up. None of the paintings were hung up--they were just stacked against the walls in the room, left like forgotten orphans in that room.

When I praised Betty's work, she blushed, as if I was giving praise to her about someone else's work. She was so uncomfortable that she wanted to get out of that room as quickly as she could.

Over the next several months, Betty and I spent more time together. I encouraged her to start writing again, which she did, and we met once a week to share our stories. She had very little confidence at first, but as she continued to write, very gradually, her confidence started to grow a little. Her writing skills were really very good.

Betty also took my suggestion and hung some of her pictures in her studio. Although she was still very self critical about her work, when she hung up those pictures, along with resuming her creative writing, it was an important early step in helping her to reclaim the power of her inner voice.

Then, one day, Betty confided in me that she began psychotherapy. She knew that I would obviously be very supportive, which is one of the reasons why she told me. Fortunately, she chose a therapist who understood the importance of Betty's creativity and encouraged her to use her art as well as their psychotherapy sessions to reclaim her power. She also began working through very traumatic childhood issues.

Several months later, Betty felt confident enough to begin painting again. At first, she was very tentative and apologetic about her work but, over time, she became more confident. As she became more confident through her creative work and in her therapy, Betty began finding her inner voice and standing up to her husband. 

She had learned to tap into the power of her inner voice, and she was no longer intimidated by him. This completely changed the dynamic of their relationship, which was very uncomfortable for Ben. For the next several months, he tried his usual tactics to bully and intimidate her, but it didn't work. When she couldn't stand his behavior any more and he refused to go to marriage counseling, she knew that it was over, and she told him that she wanted a divorce.

Several months after their divorce, Betty met another man who was more of a kindred spirit to her than Ben ever was, they moved in together, and she has been very happy with him. During that time, she continued to use her art work and psychotherapy sessions to work through her family of origin issues as well as the aftermath of her marriage. She also shared her emotional journey with others through her prose and poetry.

Reclaiming the Power of Your Own Inner Voice:
You don't have to be a painter or a creative writer to use your creativity to reclaim the power of your inner voice. We are all creative beings--it's just a matter of tapping into our creativity. Journaling can be a powerful way to reclaim and strengthen your creativity and your inner voice.

Many people like the idea of writing, but they feel self conscious or lack confidence in themselves to even know where to begin. I often recommend to friends and clients alike that if they don't know how or where to start, they can read Julie Cameron's book called The Artist's Way. She gives wonderful exercises, including writing "morning pages" to help get the cobwebs out of your mind and get you started. I read The Artists Way more than15 years ago, and I found it inspiring in terms of developing my own creativity.

What If Working on Your Own is Not Enough to Reclaim Your Inner Voice?
Whenever I've wanted to develop my creativity or make major changes in my life, I've often found it very helpful to join like minded people. 

For instance, before I became a psychotherapist and I was trying to decide on a career change, I joined a support group called "Making Changes in Our Lives." Each of us was trying to develop in some area of our lives and the support and ideas in the group were very helpful. Most people were trying to redefine their careers, but some people were also contemplating relocating, having a baby, and other important life decisions.

When you're in a group with other like minded people who are also trying to make positive changes in their lives, you often find that what you can accomplish in that group is so much more than you can accomplish on your own, especially if there's synergy in the group.

But not everyone likes groups and not everyone has access to this kind of support group. So, either in addition to or instead of the support group, you might find it very helpful to work with a psychotherapist who can help you to reclaim your creativity and the power of your inner voice.

Whether you do the exercises in Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, join a support group, begin psychotherapy, hire a coach, or do all of the above, it's important to take action and not allow yourself to stagnate. People are often surprised how taking one positive often leads to other positive steps in reclaiming their power.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.

I have helped many clients to reclaim their inner power to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  "Parts" Work: Is an "Exile" Running Your Life?

Parts Work in Therapy: Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

Generally, we tend to think of ourselves as being integrated beings with unified personalities. We might recognize certain contradictions in our personalities but, on the whole, we don't usually think of our personalities as being made up of "parts." 

However, based on Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems theory (IFS) and other Ego States therapy, our personalities are really made up of a core or center with various "parts" that operate in various situations.

Parts Work in Therapy

"Exile" Parts of Our Personality:
According to the Internal Family Systems theory, the "exile" parts of personalities hold our pain and shame, traumatic feelings that we often suppress. The "exile" parts are usually unconscious. We exile them from our awareness because they are too painful to deal with on a conscious level. However, these "exile" parts can play a very powerful driving force in our lives without our even realizing.

When these traumatized "exile" parts are triggered, often without our realizing it, we will often react in a fight, flight or freeze mode, which means that we either get angry or confrontational (fight), we run (flight), or we get emotionally and sometimes physically immobilized (freeze).

Ultimately, the goal of doing "parts" work in psychotherapy (also called ego states work) is to integrate the various parts of the personality that are currently unintegrated.

When I say that parts of the personality are unintegrated, I'm not referring to Multiple Personality Disorder (or as it is now called Dissociative Identify Disorder), which is an extreme form of unintegrated personality parts. Rather, I'm referring to the average person's personality that has many different facets to it, which could include these "exile" parts if there was trauma.

The Core Self:
In order to work towards a more holistic, integrated personality, a person must first be able to access and develop that part of him or herself that Richard Schwartz identifies as "the core self." Richard Schwartz identifies the core of a personality as that central part of ourselves that intuitively knows what's best for us. The core self is compassionate, caring, and has insight and understanding about what's best for us. Some people call it their "gut."

When you're able to access the core self, you're able to come from a place of an intuitive understanding about what you need and what's best for you. Rather than your behavior stemming from a traumatized place, you come from a place of strength and resilience.

Other Personality "Parts:"
The Internal Family Systems model also identifies other personality "parts" like "manager" parts and "firefighter" parts, which you can learn more about at Schwartz's website (see above).

There are many different types of psychotherapy "parts" work psychological theories used in psychotherapy and in clinical hypnosis (or hypnotherapy). I've referenced Richard Schwartz's work because he tends to have one of the more accessible explanations on his website for how we are often driven by these different "parts" in our lives.

For this article, I'm focusing on the "exile" parts because they're often more difficult to access and identify and they often cause the most problems for people.

The following vignette is a composite of many different clients and people that I've known over time. It does not refer to any particular person, so there is no identifiable information. The purpose of this vignette is to demonstrate how "exile" parts can be an unconscious driving force in a person's life and how this can be resolved:

Dan:
When Dan came to therapy, he was a very lonely man in his late 30s. He wanted very much to be in a relationship, but whenever he got involved with a woman and he started to develop feelings for her, he panicked and he ran away from the relationship. Once he was out of the relationship, he usually regretted leaving and wanted to try to reconcile. With regard to intimate relationships, Dan had a lot of ambivalent and conflicting "parts" operating in his personality.

At the point when Dan began therapy, he had just broken up with Maureen for the second time. They had been seeing each other for over a year before this second breakup. Dan talked about really loving Maureen, and he knew that she really loved him too. In most ways, he could see where they were well suited for each other. But the longer that they were together and the closer they got, the more afraid that Dan became. He expressed his fear as a feeling that engulfed and enveloped him until he felt so panicked that he had to get out of the relationship. When he thought about his fear objectively, he couldn't see that there was anything that Maureen was doing or not doing that caused him to feel this way. So, he knew that his fear, which bordered on terror, came from within himself.

Dan wanted very much to overcome his fear so that he could remain in his relationship with Maureen, but he didn't know what to do. Whenever he tried to work this out on his own, using sheer will power to overcome his fear, eventually, he would be overwhelmed with panic. At that point, the only thing that provided him with any temporary relief was to get out of the relationship. But, as previously mentioned, no sooner would he get out of the relationship than he would miss Maureen terribly and want to get back with her. Fortunately, Maureen was very understanding and patient. She knew that Dan had underlying emotional problems that were overwhelming him. But, for all of her understanding, these breakups were very difficult for her too, and she urged Dan to get psychological help.

As you can imagine, Dan had a very traumatic family background. Dan was an only child. His mother was extremely depressed and emotionally unavailable. She spent most of her time in bed, too depressed to rouse herself. As a small child, Dan felt lonely as he watched, helplessly, his mother descend into the depths of her depression.

Dan was close to his father who worked full time and could only spend time with Dan at night or on the weekends. Dan's father was a warm, affectionate man who was very loving towards Dan. Dan's paternal grandmother lived across the street, and Dan would often spend time with her when his mother spent day after day depressed in bed. His grandmother was also a loving presence for Dan.

But a tragic thing happened when Dan was only eight years old: His father and grandmother were killed in a car accident. After that, Dan's world changed dramatically. Not only did he have to deal with the loss of the two closest and most loving people in his life, but he was left to deal with these losses on his own.

Other relatives, who were well meaning, spent most of their time trying to shore up Dan's mother, who was not emotionally equipped to deal with the loss of her husband and mother-in-law and to take care of an eight year old son. Since Dan tended to be quiet, these relatives assumed that he was sad, but that he was basically all right. They did not suspect the depth of Dan's trauma. They made sure that he was fed and clothed and taken care of in the most concrete ways, but they didn't understand that he was very much suffering quietly.

After the death of his father and grandmother, Dan coped with the losses by doing what many children do at a young age--he entered into a fantasy world where he imagined that his father and grandmother were not really dead--they were really somewhere else and would come back at some point. It wasn't that Dan was delusional or psychotic. On a rational level, he understood that his father and grandmother were dead. But, to an eight year old, that kind of loss is very hard to understand. And since he had no one to process this loss with, he dealt with it by sometimes entering into a nether world in his dreams where he would see his father and grandmother, and they would tell him that they weren't really dead. This is a common reaction for both children and adults who are emotionally stuck in their grief and are unable to grieve this kind of loss.

As Dan got older, he learned to suppress his emotional needs because there was no longer anyone in his environment to fulfill them. Not only did he suppress these emotional needs, but he also felt ashamed of them, as if there was something wrong with him for having these essential needs and he was undeserving of having them fulfilled. No one knew what was going on internally for Dan, so there was no one to tell him that his need for love was a normal part of life. Instead, unconsciously, he developed a sense of shame and fear about it. and he felt like he was unlovable.

Here is where we can begin to understand how "exile" parts develop: His feelings of shame and fear for the need to be loved was unbearable for him, especially at such a young age, so these "parts" went underground. This is how Dan protected himself from enduring feelings that were overwhelming for him. But even though Dan was not always consciously aware of these "exile" parts, these parts were there just under the surface and were there to be triggered emotionally under certain circumstances.

Throughout his life, Dan was always vaguely aware of a deep sense of loneliness and despair at certain times. Whenever he felt these feelings, they were accompanied by a strong sense of shame because he felt unlovable and undeserving of love. He tried to ignore these feelings by staying busy all of the time. Even though he was lonely, he also tended to shy away from relationships or close friendships because he was too afraid of allowing himself to be vulnerable again and to getting hurt.

These conflicting "parts" were a constant struggle for him, and he often found it overwhelming to manage them all. Prior to seeing Maureen, Dan struggled in two prior relationships. But when he was in these relationships, his fear of getting hurt far outweighed his loneliness, until they built up into a panic in him and he had to get out. Once he was out of the relationship, the fear and panic subsided, but then he felt very lonely again. This was an ongoing cycle. By the time he was struggling with these feelings with Maureen, he realized that he was in an untenable position, and he wanted to overcome these conflicting feelings.

Using clinical hypnosis and "parts" work in psychotherapy, I helped Dan to develop a stronger sense of self (the core self that I mentioned earlier). We also worked with the conflicting "parts" to understand what they needed so they wouldn't keep getting in the way of Dan being in a relationship. This was difficult work, and it took a while for Dan to work through these issues. He also grieved, really for the first time in a meaningful way, the loss of his father and grandmother and also the emotional loss of his mother. Even though his mother was alive, she was not emotionally available to Dan to give him the love and caring that he needed and deserved.

Once Dan completed the "parts" work in therapy, he worked through his trauma. He had more of a sense of equanimity and openness. He was no longer triggered emotionally when he and Maureen got close and they were able to go on to have a stable, satisfying relationship.

Why Are "Exile Parts" So Powerful?
When we suppress powerful traumatic emotions because we don't know what else to do with them, they are, by nature, unintegrated with the rest of the personality. Metaphorically, it's as if we've locked up these "parts" in the "basement" in the depths of our "emotional homes." These painful parts are often filled with shame and fear. Often they can remain in the "basement" dormant for periods of time. But when we find ourselves in situations where these "parts" are triggered emotionally, they come alive with such a force that we might feel overtaken by them. They bring with them all of the unexpressed and undischarged energy that are stored in them.

Very often, these parts emerge when we get close to people. The closer we get and the more intimate the relationship, the more likely that these "exile parts" will come roaring up to the surface with tremendous primal energy. This could take the form of a panic attack or the need to run or emotional numbness. When we go through this, we might not even know what hit us--we just know that we want it to stop. And, at that point, we might do whatever it takes to make the pain stop--break off a relationship, drown our feelings in alcohol, numb ourselves with drugs and, in extreme cases, some people attempt suicide.

It's important to understand that even though these "parts" sound negative, they're not inherently "bad." According to Richard Schwartz's nonpathologizing model, these "exile parts," which store the emotional pain and trauma, should be thought of in terms of feelings that have not been emotionally metabolized. They are neither "good" nor "bad." They're just split off, dissociated parts of ourselves that need to be integrated through "parts work" in psychotherapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find that you can identify with the composite vignette that I've presented above, don't suffer alone. You could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who does "parts work" or, as it is also called, ego states work.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  I have helped many clients to overcome overwhelming emotional conflict so that they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Psychotherapy and Creativity: Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice

Repeating the Same Behavior and Expecting Different Results

I was talking to a friend recently about the idea of "repeating the same behavior and expecting different results." She gave me permission to tell her story as part of my blog because she thought it might be helpful to other people. So, let's call my friend Donna (not her real name).

Repeating the Same Behavior and Expecting Different Results

Several years ago, Donna was expressing her ongoing frustration to me about her boyfriend's compulsive overspending. She and I talked about this numerous times. She usually said something like, "I told him, 'If you don't stop overspending, I'm going to stop bailing you out,' but does he listen to me? No. He just keeps overspending and I keep lending him money to pay his bills."

Donna and her boyfriend were caught in vicious cycle of his overspending and her bailing him out and then her feeling resentful about it. She knew she was caught in a cycle, but she didn't know how to get out of it. At the time, she couldn't understand why he didn't change.

One day, I came across a poem by Portia Nelson called "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk" and I thought of Donna and her habit of continually bailing out her boyfriend and continually feeling resentful about it. So, the next time that she complained to me about her boyfriend's overspending and her efforts to bail him out, I said to her, "It sounds like you have a hole in your sidewalk." She looked at me as if I was crazy, but before she could say anything else, I gave her the poem:

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk - By Portia Nelson

Chapter One:
I walk down the sidewalk.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.

Chapter Two:
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It's my fault...I get out immediately.

Chapter Four:
I walk down the same street.
There is a big hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five:
I walk down another street.

After she read the poem, Donna smiled and said, "I see what you mean. I keep falling into the same hole. I need to walk down another street."

Shortly after that, Donna found a therapist to work on this issue, and she also started attending Al-Anon to deal with the codependent dynamics between her and her boyfriend. When her boyfriend approached her the next time to tell her that, once again, he ran up his credit cards and he wanted to borrow money from her, she told him that she couldn't lend him the money. 

It was very hard for her to break her usual pattern of bailing out her boyfriend because she had been doing it for so long and he had come to expect that she would bail him out. So, of course, there was no incentive for him to change because he never had to face the consequences of his behavior. She told him that he would have to figure out some other way to deal with his debts. Needless to say, her boyfriend was very unhappy with this response and he couldn't believe that she wouldn't lend him the money.

Donna's refusal to continue in the same codependent behavior caused a big argument between them, and her boyfriend ended their relationship. 

The breakup was very hard for Donna. She went through several months of emotional pain and doubt as to whether she had done the right thing by refusing to lend her boyfriend money. Several times, she wanted to pick up the phone and tell him that she was wrong and try to reconcile their relationship. But deep down, she knew that she had done what was right for herself as well as for him.

A year later, Donna met the man who eventually became her husband. She is very happy in her relationship and, in hindsight, she realized that refusing to keep "falling down the same hole" over and over again with the same results was one of the best things that she had ever done for herself.

Making a change is a process. And changing an established pattern can be very difficult. First, you have to be aware that you're engaging in this pattern and recognize the consequences of it. It's very easy to be in denial and to blame other people or external circumstances. If and when you do become aware of an ongoing pattern that is not bringing you the results that you want, you have to be willing to change. Once you have established the willingness to change, you need to take action to stop repeating the same pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're caught in a cycle where you continue to repeat the same behavior with the expectation of different results, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you through the change process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Aware of What We Offer in Our Interactions with Others

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
Buddha

Someone shared this aphorism with me this morning. It's attributed to Buddha, even though I'm not a Buddhist, I've been thinking about its meaning throughout the day in terms of my everyday interactions with friends, family, and clients.

Living and working in NYC, in any given day, I interact with many people of diverse ethnic backgrounds, ages, races, cultures, traditions, and economic backgrounds. It seems to me that what most of us have in common is that we want to lead happy, peaceful, and meaningful lives, no matter who we are, where we come from or what our hopes and dreams are for the future. So, it's worthwhile, from time to time, to consider what we offer others in our daily interactions.

Are we mindful of the effect that we have on others?

Do we offer encouragement or discouragement?

Do we offer compassion or indifference?

In one of my prior articles, I discussed the idea of emotional saboteurs primarily from the perspective of the person who might find themselves faced with someone who, however unwittingly, might sabotage their endeavors. But it occurs to me that, if we are not mindful about it, anyone of us could be on the other end of this dynamic--being the one who might be emotionally sabotaging others. It could happen so easily without our even realizing it.

Even in our most simple daily interactions, there's often room for compassion and kindness to others, even when we might not be able to see it at first.

Mindfulness in Your Everyday Interactions with Others
I'm reminded of a brief interaction that I had several months ago with a cashier at the organic store where I usually get my dinner before I see clients in my psychotherapy private practice.
Usually, I'm in a hurry to buy the food and go back to my office for a short dinner break before my first evening client arrives. There is a particular cashier in this store who is usually cheerful and pleasant. But she looked worried, sad and distracted that day.

I was really struck by this because it seemed so unusual for her, and I usually looked forward to seeing her and exchanging pleasantries with her. But on this day, I could tell that there was something very wrong. Not wanting to intrude, I asked her how her day was going, opening up the possibility for her to talk about whatever might be going on, if she wanted to.

She seemed relieved to be able to tell someone what she was worried about, and she began to tell me about how worried she was about a medical bill that she received in error that her insurance company refused to cover. Without getting into the details of this woman's problem, after she told me about it, I realized that she was getting the runaround from the insurance company as well as the hospital. And it seemed that she was being taken advantage of because she's not from this country originally. Her bill was in the thousands of dollars and she had no idea how she would ever pay for it on her cashier's salary.

Since I'm a clinical social worker, as well as a psychotherapist, and I've helped many people with this type of problem over the years in the past, I was able to give her information about who to call and what she could do to advocate for herself. For me, it was a small gesture that took almost no time or effort on my part. But for her, it was very valuable information because she said that no one, including the social workers at the hospital, who should have been able to help her, was being helpful. Knowing that she had rights as a patient and knowing that there was something that she could do, changed her whole demeanor. She looked like her usual cheerful self again and she was very grateful.

When I went into the store the next time, she went out of her way to greet me and tell me that she was able to resolve her problem using the information that I gave her, and the hospital and the insurance company straightened out the mistake so everyone involved agreed that she was not responsible for the hospital bill. Ever since that time, she has been even more pleasant and friendly whenever I've seen her. And she was able to tell me that, once she resolved that problem, it had a positive ripple effect on her family, who had also been worried about the bill.

This is a simple example. It's not meant to brag about my good deed or to say how wonderful I think I am, but to show that any one of us , each in our own way, can have a positive effect on someone else's life without having to make very much of an effort, if we are mindful of the opportuniites when they come along. And that positive effect that we have on one person can ripple through to others.

On another day, if I had been distracted or too much in a hurry or if I had decided not to ask this woman how she was, there might have been a very different outcome for her and her family. And for me too--because afterwards I realized that it often takes so little in our interactions with others to have a positive effect.

We Can Affect Positive Change through Mindful Interactions with Others
And, most of the time, just like the candle in the aphorism at the beginning of this article, whether we are sharing our happiness, inspiration, or information, our efforts do not take anything away from us. If anything, these interactions with others allow us to see that, in a world where we often feel that we are powerless to affect change, we can often affect positive change in the lives of others, one person at a time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.