Allowing Room for Grief

Experiencing grief, especially when it involves the loss of someone close to you, can be very painful.

For many people, the emotional pain of grief can be so painful that they try to push away or push down their feelings to avoid feeling the sadness and loss.

Allowing Room for Grief:  Some People Try to Push Away Their Feelings

While it's understandable that people who are going through grief might be tempted to deny or push away their feelings, it's important to make room for grief so, eventually, these painful feelings can be worked through.

Pushing Away Grief

People often try to avoid or distract themselves from feeling grief by:

• denying to themselves and others that they feel sad
• zoning out in front of the TV
• binge watching videos
• playing video games for hours
• surfing the Internet for long periods of time
• drinking excessively
• abusing drugs
• engaging in compulsive gambling (see my article:  Overcoming Grief Gambling)
• engaging in compulsive sexual activities
• overeating
• overworking
• engaging in sexual affairs

and so on.

What Are the Possible Negative Consequences of Not Making Room for Grief?

When you try to avoid feeling grief, not only are you shutting yourself off to painful emotions--you're also shutting down to positive feelings.

Allowing Room for Grief

Whether you're numbing yourself by denying your feelings or distracting yourself in any one of a myriad ways, you're also numbing yourself to all of your other feelings.  

After a while, emotional numbing can make you feel out of touch with yourself as well as your loved ones.  You can start to feel that you're just "going through the motions" in life rather than living your life in a meaningful way.

Making Room for Grief

"The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen:  room for grief, for relief, for  misery, for joy."
 Pema Chodron

No one wants to feel sad and upset all of the time, but it's important to make time, when you're ready, to feel your feelings, whether you do this on your own, with a trusted friend or in therapy.

Allowing Room for Grief:  Take Time and Space to Connect With Your Feelings

Here are some suggestions for how you can do this during quiet times when you have privacy (you can consider as to whether they would work for you or not):

• looking at pictures of your loved one
• taking time and space to connect with your feelings
• remembering good times together
• writing down your feelings in a journal
• engaging in creative arts related to your loved one (drawing, making collages, etc)
• revisiting places that were important to the two of you
• listening to music that brings back happy memories
• meditating on your feelings about your loved one
• attending or creating a spiritual ritual that is meaningful to you
• hearing positive stories about your loved one from family members or friends

and so on.

Grieving is an Individual Experience

No two people grieve in the same way.  It's a very individual experience.

In our society, we tend to rush people to "move on" before they're ready.  Not only is this unhelpful, it can also make the person who is grieving feel ashamed, as if he or she is abnormal in some way.

Although people close to you might have good intentions, don't let anyone tell you that you should be "over it" already.

Allowing Room for Grief

There's a difference between avoiding grief and taking the time that you need to deal with your grief.  So, even though I've provided some suggestions above about what many people find helpful, if you're not ready to look at pictures, listen to music that was meaningful to the two of you or engage in any of the activities mentioned above, trust your intuition about this.

At the same time, it's important to be honest with yourself.

So, for instance, if years have passed since your loved one has died and you're still holding onto his or her clothes or keeping a room as a "shrine" to your loved one, as painful as it might be, you need to ask yourself if you're refusing to let go of your grief.

Letting go of grief doesn't mean that you don't care about your loved one.  It means that you're accepting the loss and, hopefully, finding other meaningful ways to integrate this experience into your life.

Allowing Room for Grief:  Finding Meaningful Ways to Integrate the Experience

Many people discover that when they've gone through the hardest part of their grief and they're willing to be open to what comes next, they realize that they still feel a deep and loving connection to their loved one that allows them feel close to him or her.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people find that their grief is too overwhelming to deal with on their own or they feel stuck in the grieving process.

If you're struggling with your feelings of grief on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping clients with bereavement issues.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

Helping clients to deal with grief is one of my specialties.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Grief in Waiting

Inconsolable Grief After a Mother's Death

How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't

Many people feel that they have to pretend to feel happy when they don't.  I think this is due, in part, to feelings in our Western society that people should always feel happy and if they don't, they should "bootstrap" themselves out of their problems.  And, if they can't, the belief is that somehow it's their fault.

How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't

No wonder people who are unhappy often feel guilty and ashamed about their unhappiness.

Family history often plays an important part in why people feel the need to pretend to be happy, as I'll illustrate in the composite vignette later on in this article.

What Happens When You Pretend to Feel Happy When You're Not?
Pretending to feel happy is an emotional strain because it takes a lot of energy to act happy, especially  when you're feeling miserable inside.

The emotional strain can also affect not just your mental health, but also your physical health, for instance:  elevating blood pressure, affecting your immune system, causing headaches and other aches and pains, and so on.

It also makes you even more aware of the incongruity between what you're trying to project on the outside and how you really feel on the inside.

How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't

Pretending to feel happy when you don't can also make you feel inauthentic and other people might sense this lack of authenticity.

I'm not suggesting that people who are unhappy should bare their souls to strangers or reveal very personal details about their lives to coworkers.  That would be the other extreme, which also doesn't work.

Instead, I'm suggesting being true to yourself and striking a balance in your interactions with others--neither pretending to be overly happy nor spilling your feelings inappropriately to people you're not close to--as an alternative to feeling like you have to put on an act.

Even worse is feeling the need to put on an act with people who are close to you.

Anyone who is truly close to you and knows you well will sense that something is wrong, even when you deny it.

You might feel like you're trying to spare your loved one an emotional burden, but it usually works the other way:  You cause them even more stress and worry because they know something is wrong, but you're not saying what it is.

The following composite vignette, with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of the problems of trying to hide your unhappiness from a loved one and how to overcome this problem:

Ted:
Ted and Mary were married for 10 years.  They had two sons, ages 8 and 6.

When they first got married, Ted was thrilled to be starting a new life with Mary.  He was also starting a new career.  During that period of their lives, Ted woke up feeling enthusiastic and looking forward to the day.

But during the last year or so, Ted felt like he was in a rut.  He loved Mary and their children, but he felt that their lives had become too routine and he felt bored.  He also felt like he needed a career change, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to do.

Over the last several months, Mary had begun to sense that something was wrong.  Whenever she asked Ted if he was unhappy, he would laugh it off and tell her nothing was wrong.  He didn't want to worry her.

Then, he would become more animated and tease the children, but Mary wasn't convinced that something wasn't bothering Ted (see my article:  Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

By the time Ted came to therapy, at Mary's insistence, he was really feeling miserable.  He could barely pretend to be happy, and he felt even more miserable that he couldn't hide his unhappiness.  He felt like a "failure."

How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't:  "Ted"

During the initial consultation, Ted revealed how ashamed he felt that he wasn't feeling happy.  He felt that, somehow, it was his fault.

After all, from his point of view, there wasn't any reason not to feel happy, and there were people in the world who had a lot less than he did.  He felt "unjustified" in feeling unhappy.

As Ted talked about his family history, he revealed a stable family where there was no physical abuse or substance abuse.  But, as he discussed his father, the roots of his problem started to become evident (see my article:  Looking Back on Your Relationship With Your Dad Now That You're a Father).

Ted spoke glowingly about his father, Jim, who had overcome many obstacles to become a successful businessman.

Jim grew up in a poor family where there was barely enough for the family to eat.  Neither of his parents graduated high school because they each had to go to work at an early age to help support their families.

Both of Jim's parents worked and Jim was also expected to maintain a job while he was in high school. As the oldest, he was also expected to help out with his younger siblings, so he had a lot of responsibility at a young age.

Not only did Jim do everything that his parents expected of him, but he also excelled in school and in sports.  He graduated at the top of his class in college, and he went on to get married and develop a successful career.

When Ted was growing up, he saw his father as "a dynamo," and Ted wanted to be just like his father.

Jim believed in "the power of positive thinking," and he told Ted and his siblings that "complaining was for sissies."  He expected them to meet whatever challenges that they had by meeting them head on without complaining, and Ted's mother went along with this.

As a Child, Ted Looked Up to His Father 

Both parents felt that they had each individually overcome personal obstacles in their early lives and there was no reason why their children shouldn't do the same.

As a result, even as a child, whenever Ted felt unhappy or anxious, he felt like it was his fault, and he was being "weak."  So he kept his feelings to himself.   He didn't want to disappoint or burden his father (see my article:  How Our Expectations and Beliefs Affect Us).

It seems that, at times, he even tried to hide his unhappiness and anxiety from himself because he felt so guilty and ashamed.

When Ted and Mary first got married, he felt genuinely happy.  But as time went on, he felt burdened by all the responsibilities that he had at home and at work, and he felt like he needed a change in his life.

It was clear that keeping this all to himself was also a huge emotional strain on him.  He also felt like the more he tried to pretend that he was happy, the less happy and the more "fake" he felt.

How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't

Admitting these feelings in therapy was also hard for Ted because he felt so deeply ashamed.

Even though his father had died several years ago, these feelings were so deeply ingrained in him that Ted felt like he was letting his father down and he was being "a sissy."

The only reason that Ted came to therapy was because Mary was worried about him and she insisted that, if he wasn't going to tell her what was wrong, at least, he could speak with a licensed mental health professional.  So, he came to therapy reluctantly.

Over time, we worked together in therapy to help Ted develop a sense of compassionate self acceptance, starting with his younger self (see my article:  Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance).

Initially, he had problems feeling compassion for himself.  But when he thought about his own young sons and what he wanted for them, he was able to see how young he was as a child and how much was expected of him that wasn't reasonable.

He realized that, as a child, he carried a heavy emotional burden in order to please his father.

Ted knew he didn't want this for his own children, and when he saw his problem through that lens, he began to develop more compassion for himself.

Using a mind-body oriented approach, Ted used his imagination to develop a sense of what he needed as a child and, as an extension, what he needed now.

He wished that he could have had a more compassionate father who would have listened to him when he felt sad or anxious.

When he imagined what a compassionate father might be like, he came up with a detailed description of an ideal father and how that father would have been more nurturing towards him.

More importantly, he allowed himself to sense this on an emotional and physical level until it felt real.

Ted was surprised that his imagined ideal father could feel so real to him and that he could feel so taken care of by this ideal father.

So, I explained to him that when you imagine an ideal parent with such detail using a mind-body approach in therapy (like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis), your emotional brain doesn't know the difference and feels like it is real.

Of course, the logical part of the brain knows that this imagined ideal parent wasn't the actual parent.  But most people still feel soothed by what they experience in the emotional part of their brain.  They can also use this experience as an internal emotional resource because there are ways using mind-body oriented therapy to "anchor" the experience in the body so it remains available.

By that time, Ted and I had developed a good therapeutic relationship and, together with the internal resources that he developed in therapy, he was beginning to feel better about himself.

Ted Learned to Communicate With His Wife  

Ted also learned how to communicate his feelings to his wife, Mary, so they could begin making plans for changes in their lives (see my article:  Learning to Communicate in a Healthy Way).

All of this helped Ted to feel more authentic and gave him a his sense of well being.

Getting Help in Therapy
The dynamic that I described in the composite scenario about "Ted" is a common problem for many people, so if you're experiencing this, you're not alone.

Pretending to feel happy when you don't, especially when you're pretending to your loved ones or to yourself, usually only makes you feel more unhappy and has a negative impact on your loved ones.

You might not be aware of the powerful underlying emotional issues, but a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area can help you to overcome these problems so you can feel more authentic (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than hiding your feelings, you can start to take action to feel better.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Unrealistic Expectations to Always "Feel Good" Contribute to Depression

Depression is one of the most common problems that bring people into therapy.  Despite all the new antidepressant medications, which were touted to be "the answer" to the problem, depression continues to rise in the US.

How Unrealistic Expectations to Always "Feel Good" Contribute to Depression

Depression manifests in variety of ways for different people on a spectrum from "low mood" to full blown major depressive disorder that can be incapacitating for people suffering with it.

As I discussed in a previous article, people who feel depressed often blame themselves for feeling low (see my article:  Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed).  This is due, in part, to a societal distortion of thinking that we "should" feel happy all or most of the time and if we're not feeling happy, it must be our fault.  Needless to say, for people who are feeling depressed, this adds to their emotional burden.

I think there are many reasons, too many to enumerate here, for the increase in depression, including an increase in loneliness, social isolation and an overall decrease in life satisfaction.

An Increase in Social Isolation and Loneliness Contributes to Depression

Connecting with other people in a meaningful way after college is more difficult now, it seems to me, than ever before.  After college, making friends and finding a romantic partner can be a daunting process these days.

While it's true that you can "meet" many more people online than you ever could in person, for most people, there's something awkward and emotionally disconnected about "meeting" people online.  That being said, I also know many people who met their spouses online.

The Pursuit of Happiness and Having "More"
Although I think there are many contributing factors to the increase in depression, I'd like to focus on one that seems pervasive in our society--the expectation that all of us "should" be "feeling good" all the time, and if we don't, there's something wrong.

How the Continual Pursuit of Happiness and Having "More" Can Increase Depression

The pursuit of happiness is a fundamental part of our society in the US and in other parts of the world.  There are more self help books, motivational workshops and online courses about "feeling good" and becoming happy than ever before.  It's a booming business because of how increasingly dissatisfied and unhappy people are feeling.

This focus on happiness and "feeling good" all the time comes at a time when we're telling children that they can "be whatever they want to be" regardless of their circumstances, their effort, their talent or aptitude. It's made to so sound easy and there is no end to the success stories that are used to show children that "anything is possible."

While these strategies are meant to be motivational, it often becomes discouraging when children grow up to be adults who thought it would be easy and then realize that it actually takes, at the very least, hard work, perseverance, preparation and skills as well as some luck to succeed.

So, what happens when expectations to always "feel good" meet with a very different reality?  For many people, who hold onto this expectation, it often means that they push themselves even harder to pursue their idea of happiness without really contemplating what they're pursuing and if it will really make them happy.

For Many People the Pursuit of Happiness Often Means the Pursuit of Money

The pursuit will often involve an acquisitiveness of wanting "more"--more money, more possessions, more prestige, more "likes" on their Facebook page, and so on.  This can become a mindless, vicious cycle where, even when someone gets "more," it feels empty and increases the drive to seek "more" of whatever it is he or she is pursuing (see my article:  Is That All There Is? When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty).

Contemplating What is Meaningful
For many people, this can lead to depression because this pursuit for "feeling good" and having "more" is endless.  For those who are able to stop and reassess their lives, they have an opportunity to reflect on what's really meaningful and question whether they've been running on an endlessly turning wheel and going nowhere (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Unfortunately, many people never get to this stage and remain on the wheel.  The faster they run, the more happiness eludes them.

For other people, symptoms of depression, which can stop them in their tracks, brings them to therapy and to reassess their lives, their expectations and what's really meaningful to them.

Contemplating What is Meaningful

If they stick with it and therapy goes well, they develop an understanding that they're not always going to feel happy, "feeling low" at certain times in life is common and it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong with them.

Therapy can help with an exploration of what might be unrealistic expectations as well as what's truly meaningful in life which, in the long run, is more significant than focusing on being happy all the time and having "more."

Therapy can also help you to be grateful for what you have.

Discovering what is meaningful in your life is often neither quick nor easy, but it can be the most worthwhile pursuit of your life.

In a future article, I'll continue to explore this topic and give a composite scenario to illustrate some of the points that I've discussed here.

Getting Help in Therapy
People don't often stop in their daily lives for self exploration and to consider what's meaningful.

Among its many benefits, psychotherapy provides you with an opportunity to stop doing what's not working for you, explore what's meaningful, and develop the skills and capacity to create a more meaningful life.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling lost or dissatisfied with your life, you could benefit from seeing a psychotherapist who can help you to discover what's meaningful to you so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: An Inspiring and Uplifting Film: "Nicky's Family"

I recently watched the movie, Nicky's Family, for the second time within the last year, and I enjoyed it even more the second time than the first.

Czechoslovakia:  The Country Where Over 660 Children Were Saved by Nicholas Winton

In case you haven't seen this wonderful documentary yet, I highly recommend that you see it (it's now available on Netflix and Amazon), especially if  you like inspiring and uplifting movies.

"Nicky's Family" is a documentary by Natej Minac about Nicholas Winton, currently 104 years old, who saved the lives of over 660 Jewish children in Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia by arranging to transport them from their country to loving homes in England.

This was an immense undertaking during that time, before there were computers and before the Internet.

He met with the parents, who made the tremendous sacrifice of giving up their children, realizing that, in all likelihood, they would never see them again.  But these parents also knew that allowing Nicholas Winton to find their children new homes in England was the only way that their children would survive.

It's hard to imagine how devastatingly painful it must have been for the parents of these children to let them go--to say nothing of how frightening it had to be for these children to be transported by train to a country completely unknown to them.

These children, who now have grandchildren, would have certainly been killed in Nazi concentration camps during World War II if it were not for the dedicated work of Nicholas Winton, who worked against formidable odds to save their lives.

After the war, Mr. Winton (now Sir Winton) modestly kept quiet about his work--until his wife discovered the book that he kept with all of the names, pictures and records of the British adoptions for these children.

In 1988, he was honored on the BBC show, "That's Life," where he got to meet the people that he saved in the audience.  This is one of many poignant moments in the film.  And his modesty, so emblematic of people in the 1940s, is deeply moving and refreshing.

The documentary is narrated by Canadian journalist, Joe Schlesinger, who was also one of the children that was saved by Nicholas Winton.

A Child Today in the Czech Republic

Not only do we hear the personal stories of their lives from these individuals who were saved, we also get to meet their children and grandchildren, many of whom, inspired by Winton, have gone on to do their own devoted work for children all around the world.

We hear the word "hero" a lot these days.  Nicholas Winton is a hero in every sense of the word and deserves the recognition that he is finally getting after so many years.

This is a heart-warming true story that will lift your spirits.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Many clients who are in therapy have difficulty asking for what they need from their therapists.  This is especially true for clients who have a history of being physically or emotionally abused.  Often, because of the abuse, they're out of tune with their needs and, as a result, they might not know what they need.

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Even the most empathically-attuned psychotherapist might miss the fact that s/he isn't working in a way that meets the client's needs, which is why it's so important that, every so often, the therapist and client reevaluate their work together.

Usually, this discussion is initiated by the therapist, but a client, who feels s/he isn't getting what s/he needs, can also initiate this conversation.

Here are some tips that may be helpful in getting what you need in therapy:

Tips on How to Get What You Need in Your Therapy:

• If your therapist doesn't take time periodically to review the work you're doing together, you can take time to reflect on your own how you're feeling about your therapist and your work and then tell your therapist that you would like to talk about this.  Most therapists will be open to this.

• Don't assume that if your needs aren't being met that it's your fault.  This is an assumption that many clients, who have been abused, make in their therapy.

• If you're unclear about the way your therapist is working, ask about it.  Your therapist should be able to give you an explanation in simple terms that you can understand.

• If you feel the work is going too fast and you're having difficulty coping between sessions, talk to your therapist about this so the two of you can come up with ways that you can cope better between sessions.  It might also mean that you spend more time processing what's going on between you.

• If you feel the work is going too slow, tell your therapist about this.  S/he will can explain the way the two of you are working together and, if needed, might make changes in the work.  Also, this can help to clarify whatever beliefs or misconceptions that either of you might have about the work.

• If you feel you and your therapist haven't developed a rapport after working together for a while, it might be that the two of you aren't a good fit.  It might also mean that, due to your history, you might have problems trusting and it might take you a while to develop a therapeutic alliance with any therapist.

• Be aware that, due to ethical boundaries, your therapist can't be your friend or have a personal relationship with you outside of your sessions, even after you complete therapy.  So, if part of what you think you need or would like is for your therapist to be your friend, this won't be possible.  At the same time, it's common for clients to develop these feelings, including sexual attractions, for their therapist (see my article:  Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference).  Even though you might be disappointed at first that you can't have a personal relationship with your therapist, a discussion about your feelings can be helpful in highlighting what you need in your life and how you can go about creating it outside of the therapy room.

Too often clients abort therapy prematurely because they feel too vulnerable or ashamed to have these kinds of discussions with their therapist (see my article:  When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely).

But, usually, even though you might not be accustomed to talking about your needs and it might take courage on your part, being able to talk about what you need helps you to develop self confidence and often helps to improve the therapy.

Also, if part of the problem is that there has been a misunderstanding or rupture between you and your therapist, there is a chance for repairing this rupture, which can create a stronger therapeutic alliance between the two of you (see my article:  Psychotherapy: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy
Asking for help isn't easy, especially if you've spent most of your life denying your needs or being unaware of your needs.

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Rather than continuing to ignore your emotional needs, if you're concerned about your therapy, speak to your therapist.  Even if you're feelings are vague, a skilled, empathic therapist can help you to clarify and express your feelings.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

During the holiday season, many people think about the childhood holidays they had with their families, which were disappointing.  As a adults, they look back on those times and feel sad as the holidays approach.

Usually, when clients talk about this in their therapy sessions with me, I remind them that, as children, there wasn't much they could do about miserable holidays because the adults were in charge.  But now, as adults, they have the power to create their own joyful holidays and their own traditions.  They're no longer dependent upon the adults to create the holiday occasion.  They can now use their own creativity to create the holiday they want.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

If spending time with your family of origin during the holidays is difficult, why not create your own holiday traditions with your family of choice--possibly, your significant other and your friends?

Developing your own holiday traditions and rituals can be fun as you use your imagination and creativity to have the kind of holiday that you desire.

I know people who consider their new holiday traditions with their spouses and friends to be their "real holiday" as opposed to their visits with their families.  Exchanging gifts, Christmas tree trimming, or Christmas caroling in their neighborhoods are among the traditions that they've incorporated with the people that they enjoy being with on the holidays.

Of course, there are many people who enjoy being with their families.  Not everyone had disappointing holidays.  But if you're someone who dreads the holidays because it brings up sad memories, remember that you're now empowered, as an adult, to create the kind of holiday that you want.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


photo credit: andrihilary via photopin cc

Holiday Time With Your Family: Balancing Your Expectations

We often get disappointed when we have unrealistic expectations from our loved ones, especially around the holidays.  More often than not, if we try to impose our expectations on our loved ones, it's a recipe for disappointment and resentment.  Sometimes, we need to temper our expectations to be more flexible, recognizing that we can't change other people to make them do what we want them to do.

Balance Your Expectations During the Holidays

New York Times Modern Love Article:  "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents"
An article by Carolyn S. Briggs in New York Times Modern Love column caught my attention called "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents" (a link to this article is provided at the end of this blog post).  She describes how she was disappointed last year when her adult children had a very different view of the Christmas holiday than she did.  Whereas she wanted a more traditional Christmas holiday, her children felt it was more of a "consumerist sham" of a holiday.

Ms. Briggs says she had hoped that they would all fill their Christmas stockings with messages of love and appreciation for each other, but her children weren't interested in this, which was very disappointing to her.

Ms. Briggs  also discusses how she was disappointed when she was younger during the time when her parents were divorcing.  She says that she and her brother pooled their money and bought and decorated their own tree because there was no tree that year.  In hindsight, she says she doesn't want to guilt her children into doing what they don't want to do on Christmas.  She has changed her expectations of what Christmas will be like with her family this year.

It's not unusual for adults to want to make up for what they didn't get as children.  There's something very sad about two children having to provide their own Christmas tree because the adults are preoccupied with their own problems.   Yet, we can't expect that, as adults, we'll always be able to make up for what we didn't get as children, especially when the experience involves other people who might not want to go along with it.

As I read Ms. Briggs' article, I couldn't help thinking about when I was a young adult and I had similar ideas to her children.

Coming from a very traditional family, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, I rebelled against these traditions and also felt that Christmas was all about consumerism.

But, as I was reading this article, I realized that my feelings have changed since then and I can now appreciate the holiday spirit.  I'm not cynical about the holidays, the way I used to be when I was a young adult.  My feeling is that, regardless of the consumerism, we can make the holiday whatever we want it to be.  We're not at the mercy of consumerism.

Reading this article, I looked back on myself as a young adult and thought about the times that I  must have disappointed my family when I didn't want to go along with tradition.  As I read the article, I could see both sides--Ms. Briggs' disappointment last year and her children's resistance.

As a therapist, I know that late teens and early 20s is an important time for young adults to develop their own ideas and become separate individuals from their families.  Seeing it from that vantage point, one could see why they wouldn't acquiesce to her wishes.

And yet, as an adult now, I couldn't help wishing that Ms. Briggs' adult children had cooperated a little more--not because they believed in these Christmas traditions, but because they knew how important it was to her.

Is There a Way to Balance Our Own and Our Loved Ones' Expectations?
Could there have been some compromise?  I don't know.  Reasonable people could disagree.   This isn't a black and white issue.

But maybe the view that there might have been a compromise comes with age and life experience.  I couldn't have taken this view when I was younger.

When you're a young adult, you're struggling to establish your own autonomy, which sometimes means having different feelings and opinions from your family.   When you're older and you're on your own, you have less to prove, and I think you can afford emotionally to be more generous.

In the end, I think Ms. Briggs came to the right conclusion--that even if your family doesn't experience the holiday in the same way that you would like as a parent, the most important thing is that you're together.

Wishing Everyone a Happy and Healthy Holiday.

About Me
I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents
By Carolyn S. Briggs - 12/23/12 - NY Times - Modern Love