Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

There is a common misconception about psychotherapy that it's all about coming to complain about your problems, blaming everything on your parents, and that's where it ends. However, in reality, when you begin psychotherapy, looking at your relationship with your parents, if it's relevant to your problems, is only the beginning of trying to understand the origin of the problems. It's not the end by any means.

Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

Emotional Reconciliation with Your Parents

At some point, as an adult, especially if you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, you might face the possibility of reconciling certain aspects of your relationship with your parents. 

Depending upon your particular circumstances, this might be a question of direct reconciliation with one or both of your parents. Under certain circumstances, if they're too impaired physically or emotionally or if they're no longer alive, or if it would be emotionally detrimental to you or to them, it might be a matter of your own internal emotional reconciliation. By this, I mean you own emotional coming to terms with these issues so that you can heal and be at peace with yourself.

Only You Can Decide if Reconciliation is Right For You
I realize that this is not an easy topic for some people, and it often elicits uncomfortable responses, especially for people who are in the throes of a difficult time with their parents. So, it's important to understand that only you can decide what works best for you given your particular history and under your particular circumstances.

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many middle-aged clients who are struggling to come to terms with their relationships with their parents. 

For clients who are in their 40s and older, this might mean that they had difficult relationships with one or both parents when they were younger and now their parents are old and frail and need their help. 

When their parents were younger and independent, there might have been an emotional estrangement between them and their parents. And there can be so many reasons for this estrangement. Maybe their parents were emotionally or physically abusive when they were growing up. Maybe their parents were emotionally neglectful. Maybe there was some other form of betrayal or trauma.

Whatever the reason for the ongoing resentment or estrangement, after many years, you might find yourself facing an emotional dilemma. If your parents are still alive and elderly, one or both of them might need help. 

Maybe you've received a call from your siblings that your parents are not well or that your siblings can no longer take care of your parents on their own and need your help. Or, maybe you're the one who has assumed the brunt of the responsibility for your parents and feel overwhelmed physically and emotionally, especially if you're still harboring resentments towards them and you need help. Or, maybe your parents are dead and you were unable to have any type of reconciliation with them before they died. You might feel that, since they're gone, it's no longer possible to reconcile your feelings. But, when you're ready, there are ways in psychotherapy to work through, reconcile your feelings and let go of longstanding anger, hurt and resentment.

Reconciliation Can Be Healing For You
The important thing to understand is that, in many cases, you're doing this mostly for yourself. If your parents are still alive and healthy enough, and it's possible to have a mutual reconciliation that brings peace to you as well as to them and you can do this without compromising your own or their well-being, so much the better. 

I've heard from so many clients that when they see their parents now as elderly and frail people, it's hard to believe that these were the same parents who were abusive or neglectful. In reality, they might have changed and you might have changed a lot over the years, and maybe you and they are no longer the same people that you once were.

I realize that the emphasis of this post has been focused on dealing with parents who might have been abusive or neglectful. But I also realize that it's not always one way--it's possible that you might feel the need to make amends with your parents for things you might have said or done. This can also be challenging but, if it's possible to do without emotional harm to yourself or to them, can be so freeing.

Reconciliation Might Be Your Own Internal Work
Like any type of working through, forgiving, and letting go, whether you come to terms directly with your parents or you do your own internal emotional work about it without involving your parents, you'd be doing this mostly for your own peace of mind and well being.  For some people, it might do more harm than good to reconnect with one or both parents.  Then, the reconciliation is within yourself.

It might be difficult to imagine, but when you're ready, letting go of the burden of hurt, anger, and toxic resentment can be so freeing.

Getting Help in Therapy
EMDR and clinical hypnosis can be effective tools in dealing with these emotions and, when used by an experienced practitioner, they often work faster and more effectively than regular talk therapy.

About Me
I'm a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR. I've helped many clients find healing and peace with their parental relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Learning to Relax: Square Breathing

For many people learning to relax can be a real challenge. If they have very busy personal and work-related lives, they might not even realize just how overwhelmed with stress they are because feeling this way has become a "normal" way of life.

Learning to Relax: Square Breathing

When I talk to people about de-stressing, some of them tell me that they don't have time to go to the gym or to yoga class. Some of them say they don't even have time to go for a short, brisk walk to de-stress. When clients in my psychotherapy private practice tell me this, I tell them about a simple technique that helps most people to calm down relatively quickly, even when they feel overwhelmed with anxiety. This simple technique is called Square Breathing.

What is Square Breathing?
Square Breathing is a technique that people often learn in meditation or yoga class or when they come to see a mind-body oriented psychotherapist. When clients who are anxious come to my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, I often teach them to do Square Breathing:

Breathe in slowly to the count of four. Feel your lungs filling up with air.

Hold your breath to the count of four.

Breathe out slowly to the count of four. Feel your lungs emptying.

Hold your exhalation to the count of four

Repeat until you feel calmer.

Even though it's such a simple technique, Square Breathing helps most people to calm down and feel better. And you don't need to go to the gym or to a class to do it. You just have to remember to have the presence of mind to do Square Breathing when you feel anxious.

In order to cultivate that presence of mind, it's best to practice doing Square Breathing even when you're not feeling anxious or overwhelmed so that you'll be familiar with this technique and can use it when you need it without having to think too much about how to do.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up an appointment for a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker

Do you want to stop smoking?

Have you tried to stop smoking before, stopped for a while and then relapsed?

Becoming Successful Nonsmoker

Clinical hypnosis can be a very effective tool to help you stop smoking without the side effects of the drugs, nicotine patches and other methods used to stop smoking.

Noticing Your Smoking Patterns:
When clients come to me to become successful nonsmokers, I ask them to start by noticing and tracking their smoking patterns and triggers:

For each cigarette smoked in a day:

What was your emotional state at the time? (angry, anxious, sad, happy, etc)

What was going on at the time?

Who were you with at the time?

Where were you? Location: at work, at home, walking the dog, in the car?

What is your smoking style for each cigarette? How much of the cigarette did you smoke? How many in a row?

Of the times that you smoked, which times would be easiest to give up? For instance, would it be easier to give up the cigarette you have with your morning coffee? Would it be more difficult to give up the cigarette that helps you to calm down when you're angry with your supervisor?

Breaking the Smoking Pattern:

At the start of treatment, I also ask clients to start by changing one particular habit involved with their smoking. So, for instance, they can change their cigarette brand, change when they smoke (if they usually smoke after meals, maybe they would smoke before a meal) or make another change, no matter how small.

This is called pattern interruption and, when you're trying to break a habit, it's usually very effective as a way to start breaking the habitual patterns. This can also work for other habits that you want to break.

Smoking History:
I also want to get a smoking history during the first session:

When and how did you start smoking?

How long have you been smoking?

With whom do you smoke (e.g., spouse, smoking buddies)?

Are there people who are close to you that smoke?

Has there been anyone close to you who got sick or died from a smoking-related illness?

Have you successfully quit smoking before for a while? If so, for how long? What worked?

What triggered the relapse?

What successful experiences have you had in breaking other habits before?

Why do you want to stop?

How do you think that becoming a successful nonsmoker will affect your life?

Are there certain people who will not be happy if you stop smoking (smoking buddies, spouses who want to continue smoking with you)?

What problems are you anticipating (e.g., weight gain, switching to other habits)?

After I have information about your smoking triggers, smoking patterns, and smoking history, I develop an individualized plan that will be most effective for you as an individual client.

Many people have become successful nonsmokers using clinical hypnosis.
If you want to become a successful nonsmoker, you could benefit from clinical hypnosis. If you've been thinking about stopping but you've been putting it off, consider the benefits of becoming a successful nonsmoker to your health, your overall well being, the health of those around you, and your wallet (cigarettes have become increasingly expensive, as I'm sure you know).

Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker

For more information about the health benefits of smoking cessation, visit the American Cancer Society website: http://www.cancer.org.

Consider all these factors and make a decision to get help today.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped clients to become successful nonsmokers.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Letting Go of Resentment

Resentments are feelings that we hold onto and replay in our minds, reliving the events, remembering what was said and done to us, experiencing it on a mental, emotional, and physical level. 

When we hold onto resentments, we keep ourselves stuck in the situation that hurt us and emotionally bound to the people who hurt us. 

Letting Go of Resentment

It often prevents us from moving on in our lives. We remain mired in the past, ruminating about whoever hurt us, and possibly thinking of ways to avenge ourselves on them. But when we stay stuck in this way, we're really hurting ourselves.

Here is a fictionalized account, made up of many different stories that I have heard over the years:

Ellen:
Whenever Ellen thinks about how her ex-husband betrayed her by having an affair, she feels the anger rise up in her again. Her face becomes flush, and she feels her blood pressure rise. She remembers every detail of how she picked up the extension phone that day to call a friend and overheard that conversation between her husband and another woman that changed her life forever. She relives the feelings of shock and disbelief and the thoughts that this can't be real--she must be having a bad dream. She relives the confrontation that she had with her husband and how he denied everything at first and then admitted that he had been unhappy in their marriage for a long time and he was so much happier with this other woman.

All the details come flooding back to her of the messy divorce and how lonely it has been since the breakup of her marriage. Waves of sadness overtake her and she alternates between feeling emotionally paralyzed and thinking about how she would like to get back at her ex. To pacify her feelings, Ellen often binges on junk food and she has gained 50 lbs. Her doctor has warned her that she needs to lose weight because the weight gain has resulted in hypertension and she is also pre-diabetic. But Ellen is unable to let go of her sadness and resentment.

Because of her resentment, she blames her ex, she blames all men, she blames herself for marrying her ex, and she blames God. As a result, she is unable to open herself to new relationships. She thinks about her ex and how he hurt her and all the events related to that hurt every day. Her friends and family are tired of hearing about it. They tell her to "move on," but she doesn't know how. Whenever she relives the hurt and anger, it's as if it just happened yesterday. She can hardly believe that this all happened 20 years ago because the pain is still fresh.

Reliving Old Resentments:
It's not unusual for people to come to therapy with old resentments that they have been harboring for many years. The trauma of these events keeps them reliving the old feelings as if the mind is saying, "Maybe if I go over it again, I'll figure it out this time and it won't hurt any more." But replaying old hurts just makes you re-experience the pain and trauma. It doesn't alleviate the pain. Overeating, drinking excessively, abusing drugs, overspending, compulsive sex, compulsive gambling, and other compulsive behavior might make you feel better temporarily, but it's not the solution to dealing with your resentments. These behaviors only make your situation worse in the long run.

How to Let Go of Resentment:
There's no magical solution to letting go of resentments. It's a process. To start, it's important that you make a decision that you want to let go of the hurt and anger. Letting go or forgiving doesn't mean that you forget that it ever happened to you. It doesn't mean that it's okay that it happened, or that you go back to an unhealthy relationship or situation. It means that you want to unburden yourself of these feelings for your own health and well-being. You're doing this for yourself--not for anyone else. When you make the decision that you want to let go of resentments because they're affecting your health, keeping you stuck emotionally, keeping you from being present and really alive in the moment or being able to think about the future, you've taken a very big step.

Depending upon the particular situation and the people involved, this process might be your own internal process or it might mean that you tell whoever hurt you that you forgive him or her. It's not always possible or safe to communicate with the other person: He or she might have died, or going back to that person would be unwise for you or that person, either because it's not safe or it would be too disruptive for one or both of your lives or for many other reasons. The most important thing is that it starts with you and your decision that you no longer want these painful feelings taking up so much time, space, and energy in your mind and in your life.

After you decide to let go, it often happens over time. Depending upon what the resentment is, there are often degrees of letting go. Usually, it doesn't happen all at once. If you feel really stuck, it might help to think about what your life could be like if you were no longer burdened by carrying around these resentments: What might you be doing if you were free of these resentments? How might your life be different? What might you have in your life that you don't have now? What would you be doing with the time and energy that you're spending on these resentments now?

Getting Help in Therapy
Letting go of resentments can be one of the most challenging efforts you make in your life, but it can also be one of the most rewarding. Be compassionate with yourself. You don't need to have all of the answers immediately.

If you find that this is too difficult to do on your own and talking to friends and family has not gotten you to the place where you want to be, you would be wise to consider working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to let go of these old feelings that are keeping you stuck and unhappy.

About Me
I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many clients to let go of old resentments so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

It's a Mistake to Think You're Going to Change Your Spouse After You Get Married

Thinking that you will change your partner after you get married is usually a big mistake. All too often, people are in denial about this and they fool themselves into thinking that they'll work on their partners and, somehow, they'll change them, only to be disappointed, angry, and resentful when they cannot control their partners.

It's a Mistake to Think You're Going to Change Your Spouse After Marriage

Here is a fictionalized account to illustrate the problems with believing that you can get your partner to change after you get married:

Mary and Jim (the same Mary and Jim from the prior post) have been married for almost two years now. The marriage has been a roller coaster ride, but things have been improving since they began attending marriage counseling and self help groups.

Early on, they went through a rough patch: During the first few months of seeing each other, Mary considered them to be in a relationship, and Jim thought they were dating. Neither of them had communicated this to each other at that point in time, so they each had a different understanding as to whether they were dating or in a relationship.

When Jim ran into his ex and decided that he wanted to try to work it out with her, he told Mary that he couldn't see her any more and she was extremely hurt and disappointed, especially after she introduced Jim to her friends as her boyfriend. A few months after they stopped seeing each other, Jim called Mary and said that he realized that he made a big mistake. He and his ex had the same problems that they had the first time, and he realized that he missed Mary very much. He asked her if she would consider seeing him again.

Mary wanted to say "yes" immediately but, having been so recently disappointed by Jim, she told him that they should talk first. Jim agreed to this and they met for dinner. They talked, Jim apologized, Mary forgave him, and they decided to date each other exclusively for a while to get to know each other better and see whether they were compatible.

Time passed. Over the next seven months, they got closer. Their families met and liked each other. Everything seemed to be going so well. When Jim asked Mary to marry him, Mary accepted. They were both extremely happy. Mary and her mother began planning the wedding.

And then one day a few weeks before they were supposed to get married, Jim asked Mary to borrow a sizable amount of money. Mary was surprised and, as they were accustomed to doing by now, they talked about it. After much hesitation, Jim told Mary that he gambled on a horse race and lost a lot of money.

He told her that he had been given "a tip" and he was told it was a "sure thing," but the horse lost. Now he owes the bookie the money, he doesn't have it, and he's afraid of what will happen if he doesn't pay. He told her that he would never gamble again.

Mary was very surprised. She had no idea that Jim gambled. Part of her knew that this was not a good sign and she should think about it carefully, but she quickly overrode her feelings, gave Jim the money, and told herself, "I know this is a big problem but if it happens again, I'll change him after we get married."

Mary never told anyone about Jim's gambling. She knew that if she talked to her parents about it, they might try to talk her out of getting married, especially because her father had a gambling problem when she was younger and this caused a lot of problems in the family. She also didn't want to think about it too much herself.

Jim paid her back the money, and they never spoke about it again. But a year after they got married, Mary realized that Jim's problem was a lot worse than she had allowed herself to know. Not only had Jim not stopped gambling, but he was in debt for a lot of money again.

But she kept telling herself that she would change him by bailing him out each time, trying to be understanding, and encouraging him to go to Gamblers Anonymous, which he refused to do. They argued about it a lot, but Mary didn't give up hope that, if she tried very hard, she could change Jim. Finally, over time, when they exhausted their savings, the bills were piling up, and Jim and Mary were barely talking to each other, in desperation, Mary went to her parents to tell them what happened and ask them to borrow money.

It was only then that Mary, disappointed, angry and hurt, began to even consider that she might not be able to change Jim. Mary's parents had similar problems early on in their marriage, but they worked it out in marriage counseling and both of them attended 12 Step programs.

Her parents talked to Mary and Jim, offered them a one-time loan with a written agreement about how it would be repaid, but all of this was predicated on certain conditions--that they see a marriage counselor to work out their problems, that Jim go to Gamblers Anonymous to work on his compulsive gambling problem, and that Mary go to Gam-Anon to work on her codependency.

Neither Jim nor Mary were happy about the conditions, but they needed the money, so they agreed. Early on in treatment, both Mary and Jim began to come to terms with their individual problems as well as their problems with each other. Their problems were not solved immediately, but things were better.

At times, Jim still thought he could control his gambling, only to find out, once again, that he could not. At times, Mary still thought that she could change Jim if she tried hard enough, but she was slowly coming to the realization that she could not.

If you and your partner are having problems, it's better to face them now. Thinking that you're going to change the other person after you get married is usually a big mistake and can leave you disappointed and disillusioned. If you're stuck and you don't know what to do, rather than deluding yourself, get professional help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and couples therapist.

I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome emotional problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Expectations in Relationships: Are You Dating or Are You in a Relationship? How to Avoid Misunderstandings

Are you on the same wavelength as the person that you're seeing?

Here are a couple of fictionalized scenarios that are all too common:

Mary and Jim
Mary and Jim are both in their late 20s. They've been seeing each other for about three months. They both enjoy each other's company, they have similar values, and the sex is great. They see each other a few times a week, talk at least once a day on the phone, and text each other frequently throughout the day. When Mary is not with Jim, she is often thinking about him. She daydreams about the next time that they'll see each other and her thoughts often go far into the future, picturing a beautiful wedding, three children, and a big house in the country. She thinks he would be the perfect husband and father.

Are You Dating or in a Relationship?

When Mary's friend invites her to a birthday party and tells her that she can bring a guest, Mary invites Jim. Mary has been telling her friends about Jim for a few months now, and she is looking forward to their finally meeting Jim. 

When Mary and Jim arrive at the party, she introduces Jim to her friends as her boyfriend. Her friends like Jim immediately and they seem happy for Mary. But Jim seems unusually quiet to Mary. On the drive home, Mary asks Jim if something is bothering him. Jim hesitates at first, and then he pulls the car over and faces Mary with a pained look on his face. He tells her that he was surprised to hear Mary introduce him to her friends as her "boyfriend" because they've never talked about being in a relationship or that they were even exclusive with one another.

Mary is shocked to hear Jim say this, but allows him to continue, fighting back tears. Jim hesitates for a moment and then tells Mary that he ran into his ex a few days ago and they talked about getting back together again. He would like to give it a chance, and he was waiting for the right moment to tell Mary that he can't see her any more because he wants to return to his former relationship. He didn't want to tell her before the party because he thought it would ruin things for her, but now he realizes that he should have brought it up right away. He apologizes for any misunderstanding and tells her that he never meant to hurt her. In his mind, he tells her, he thought they were dating--not in a relationship. Mary is very disappointed, hurt, upset, and humiliated. She can't understand how this could have happened.

Belinda and Martin
Belinda and Martin are both in their 50s, and divorced from their former spouses for a few years. They met online originally and have been seeing each other for six months. Each of them has a successfully career, grown children, and own their own homes. They enjoy each other's company and spend time together during the week and on the weekends. 

Are You Dating or in a Relationship?

While they're away on a much-anticipated romantic vacation in the Caribbean, Martin makes reservations at one of his favorite restaurants. He calls ahead to make sure that everything is going to be "just right." Just as he anticipated, Belinda loves the restaurant. The food is great. The wine is perfect. And they're having a great time. All through dinner, Martin is fingering the small black box in his jacket pocket, waiting for just the right moment.

When Belinda leans over to kiss him, he decides that this is the moment. He takes out the box, opens it and shows Belinda a beautiful diamond engagement ring. He misses being married and, even though his prior marriage did not work out, he has always known that he wanted to get married again. Martin is about to propose to Belinda when, to his dismay, he sees that she looks bewildered and very uncomfortable. 

All the words that he planned to say go out of his head, his face turns red, and he is speechless. Belinda takes his hand and stammers out an apology, saying that she cares about him very much, she hopes she has not hurt him, but she doesn't want to ever get married again, and all along she considered them to be dating and not in a serious relationship. Jim's mind is reeling, and all he can think is, "How can this be?"

What Are Your Expectations and Are They the Same as the Person You're Seeing?
It's not unusual for two people who are seeing each other to have different expectations of what they want and how they see themselves together. Everyone has different experiences, needs, hopes and wishes. 

Hopefully, if you're seeing someone, you and that person have a common understanding about each of your expectations and perceptions of what you are to each other. But if the two of you have not communicated this to each other, there could be misunderstandings as there were in the two fictionalized scenarios presented above.

It takes a while for two people to get to know each other. During the early romantic phase of seeing each other (before the first year or so), your own hopes, needs, wants, and expectations can cloud your understanding in terms of really getting to know the other person, whether he or she is right for you, what the other person wants and if it's the same as what you think you want from him or her. 

Communicating with each other after the first few months or so is very important. It doesn't have to be such a serious, weighty conversation, but you do need to talk. You'll want to know if the other person sees the two of you as being compatible, is he or she seeing anyone else, how the other person feels about relationships in general, and if you're both on the same page as to where you each think things might be headed for the two of you. 

If you find out, for instance, that the person you're seeing would only consider being in a serious relationship with someone from his or her own faith and you're not of that faith, you have some decisions to make. 

Or, if you find out that the person you're seeing wants to date other people as well and you're not in agreement with this, you have decisions to make. And if you know that you want to get married eventually (and maybe you don't know yet if this means marrying this particular person) and the other person has ruled out marriage completely, once again, you have decisions to make. And if it's clear that you're not compatible, for whatever reason, don't hang on hoping that you're going to change the person that you're seeing. This is a big mistake and the source of much confusion and disappointment.

Dating is Very Different From Being in a Relationship:
It doesn't matter if you're heterosexual, gay, or bisexual--dating is very different from being in a relationship, even if the two of you have a mutual understanding that you are dating each other exclusively. 

It takes time to get to know each other in all different situations and circumstances. If you define what you have together as being "a relationship" with all the expectations that go with being in a relationship, even if you both agree that this is how you see things, you might find yourself disappointed when he or she does not live up to your expectations. 

Dating, even if you're exclusive with each other, provides an understanding that you're still getting to know each other without some of the pressures that defining yourselves as being in a relationship will bring. When you're dating, it's understood that you're getting to know each other over time. After you get to know each other, then you can evaluate whether you're compatible and if you want to take it to the next step of calling it "a relationship." There's time and room for the "getting to know you" phase if you date for a year or so (this is an approximation--there is no hard and fast rule about the amount of time) rather than rushing into calling it a relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many people, both individually and in couples, to overcome problems in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Internal Critic

At one time or another, most people have experienced the negative effects of the internal critic. The internal critic is that negative voice that says things like, "You're not good enough." "You're unlovable." "You can't write." "You can't do anything right." Learning to overcome the internal critic is essential to your overall health and well being.

Overcoming the Internal Critic

The Internal Critic Often Develops at a Young Age
Most of the time, the internal critic develops when you're young. Authority figures, like parents, grandparents, other relatives, and teachers, who are often well meaning, might have tried to instill certain values in you as part of the socialization process. However, although well intentioned, these messages are not always delivered and received in a balanced and helpful way.

Sometimes these messages are harsh and, at times, cruel. Sometimes these messages can be emotionally abusive or traumatic ("You should learn to be more polite like your cousin. If you don't learn how to behave around people, you're never going to amount to anything"). When you're very young, you don't have the cognitive or emotional capacity to defend yourself against these harsh comments so you take them in and believe them. Later on, when you're older, you have already internalized these messages at such a deep level that you don't need anyone to repeat them to you any more because you're saying them to yourself now. These negative messages develop into the internal critic and they are detrimental to your self esteem, your relationships, your career and other areas of your life.

So what can you do?
First, realize that you're not alone. This is a common problem that many people face.

Second, recognize that the internal critic is only a part of who you are. It's not your entire being. We tend to think of ourselves as being unitary beings but, in fact, our internal world has a multiplicity of selves. These different aspects are often referred to as "parts" in psychotherapy. These parts often pull us in different directions at once, especially when we feel ambivalent about something important to us.

As an example, you can think about the last time that you felt highly ambivalent about something that was important to you and how you might have felt pulled in different directions internally ("A part of me wants to pursue a career in medicine. But another part wants to focus on sports. And there's another part that wants a career in the arts. Then, there's another part that says I'll never succeed at anything that I do. But there's another part that says I have talent in all of these areas and I can do well in any of them. I don't know what to do."

To clarify: I'm not talking about multiple personality disorder. What I'm describing is a normal, common occurrence in most people.

The Internal Critic is Only a Part of Who You Are
Often, when clients come to me to overcome the effects of an internal critic, depending upon the issues involved, I'll help them to recognize that their internal critic is only one part of them. The internal critic might be a large part, but it's still only one part. Most people are relieved to realize this. It makes the internal critic seem less overwhelming and more manageable. Then, depending upon the particular issue, I might use clinical hypnosis, EMDR, or Internal Family Systems (IFS) or a combination of these treatment modalities to help clients to overcome the internal critic and bring balance and harmony to their internal world.

EMDR and Clinical Hypnosis to Overcome the Internal Critic
In prior posts, I described clinical hypnosis and EMDR. Among other things, clinical hypnosis is particularly helpful for creative blocks and other emotional blocks. EMDR is usually helpful in dealing with trauma. Internal Family Systems helps to differentiate among the different parts, including the internal critic, and help bring them into harmony.

The goal of IFS is to empower you to strengthen your core self, which is the essence of who you are that always knows what's best for you and who can overcome the internal critic. 

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel overwhelmed by your internal critic, don't suffer alone. Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience dealing with this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of their internal critics.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.