What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself, the More It Persists

Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst (1875-1961), wisely stated that what you resist not only persists--it gets stronger.

What You Resist Persists

What Happens When You Resist a Part of Yourself?

In earlier articles I've discussed that we are all made of many different parts.  As an example, on the most basic level, you often hear people say things like, "A part of me wants to go to the movies, but another part of me wants to stay home." 

This implies a basic understanding that, as humans, we're made up of a multiplicity of selves and that, at any given time, different parts (or aspects of self) emerge under different circumstances.

When you resist acknowledging a part of yourself, you're unwilling or unable to deal with that part or the negative circumstances involved.

The More You Resist, the More It Persists

Instead of working through the negative circumstances related to the part of yourself that you're resisting, you try to suppress it, which only works for a short time before that part comes to the surface again--usually stronger than before.

By suppressing this part over and over again, without realizing it, you're remaining attached to the negative circumstances related to this part instead of finding a resolution.

In other words, you use a lot of energy to keep pushing down this aspect of yourself, but it only goes outside your conscious awareness temporarily.  And you can't get rid of it because it's a part of you, so you end up in an ongoing cycle of frustration and resistance instead of resolving what you don't like.

This ongoing resistance to keep your unwanted parts out of your conscious awareness causes a vicious cycle, and it takes more and more energy to keep suppressing it. This can lead to anxiety and depression as well as health issues as stress increases.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates the concept that resistance strengthens unwanted aspects of yourself. It also shows how Parts Work can help:

Bill

When he was a child, Bill's parents were both highly critical of him.  He grew up feeling inadequate and ashamed of himself.

As a child, he unconsciously internalized this highly critical aspect of her parents, as children do under these circumstances, and throughout his childhood and adulthood, he often berated himself for minor mistakes.

As an adult, Bill found it very difficult to tolerate his Inner Critic.  Whenever he made a mistake, this part of him surfaced and made him feel so uncomfortable that he did whatever he could do suppress it.  

Inwardly, Bill became highly critical of his Inner Critic, cursed it and wished he could kill it off rather than deal with it.

But whenever he thought he had succeeded in permanently suppressing this part of himself, the Inner Critic came back even stronger than before.  Then it would take much more effort for Bill to suppress it again. And, over time, this became a vicious cycle, which made Bill increasingly anxious and unhappy.

By the time Bill was in his mid-30s, he knew he needed to get help because his hatred for this part became much stronger over time and he didn't know what to do.  So, he sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

Bill's therapist did Ego States Therapy, which is a particular type of Parts Work.  She helped Bill to see that his resistance to his Inner Critic was only making matters worse. She explained that resistance wouldn't lead to a resolution.

She helped Bill to tap into the Inner Critic to befriend it and find out what that part needed.  At first, Bill was hesitant to do this because, up until that point, he had done everything he could to get away from that part.  So, the idea of doing the opposite--befriending that part--felt scary to him.  But he learned to trust his therapist and he opened himself up to do Parts Work.

Gradually, Bill realized this Inner Critic was an internalization of his parents' critical stance towards him that he took in at a young age. As he imagined talking to that part of himself, he realized that below the surface there was a sad, helpless child, his younger self.

He also learned that although the Inner Critic appeared to be hostile towards him, this part had a protective function--it wanted to protect Bill from the criticism of others.  This amazed Bill because he had never thought of the Inner Critic as being anything other than a hated part of himself.

The more he engaged in an inner dialogue with the Inner Critic, the more that part softened and Bill learned that this part didn't want to ruin his life, as Bill had always thought. This part, which was blended with a younger part who felt alone and lonely, had positive aspects to it.

Over time, Bill developed a relationship with these younger parts so they no longer felt alone and lonely because he had befriended them and during Ego States Therapy Bill imagined he could soothe these alienated parts.

Once his Inner Critic softened, Bill's psychotherapist did EMDR therapy with Bill to work on his childhood trauma.  

It took time to work on these issues, but his work in therapy helped Bill to free himself of the vicious cycle he had been caught up in and helped him to resolve his childhood trauma.

How to Stop Resisting and Make Friends With the Part of Yourself You Don't Like

• Stop Fighting With the Part: Fighting with a part is the equivalent of resistance. The more you resist, the more it persists and gets stronger.  It might sound counterintuitive, but you need to stop resisting the part.

Befriend the Parts of Yourself You Don't Like

• Establish a Dialog With the Part: The part you're resisting is a part of yourself.  Once you stop fighting with that part, recognize there's a lot more going on under the surface than you realize and the way to find out about it is to develop a caring relationship with the part.  Show compassion for that part. You can do this in Parts Work therapy or you can do it on your own by having your own dialog with the part either in your mind or, even better, in writing. If you do it in writing, it can take the form of a script where you, as your adult self, have a dialog with the Inner Critic to ask what s/he needs. Usually, once a person pays attention to an unwanted part, that part softens.  Talk to this part kindly and listen to what it says it needs.  Then, use your imagination to imagine you can give it what it needs. If it says it needs a hug, imagine that part sitting next to you so you can give it a hug (see my article: Having a Dialogue in Writing With the Different Parts of Yourself and Giving Voice to Prevously Disowned Parts of Yourself).

• Make an Effort to Be Aware of the Part on a Regular Basis: Whether you imagine a dialog once a week or once a day, make an effort to be aware of and present for that part.  Over time, your relationship with that part is likely to improve.

Getting Help in Therapy

Parts Work goes by many different names, including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (see my article: Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

If you try befriending an alienated part of yourself and you don't make progress on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work.

Working with a skilled Parts Work therapist can help you to overcome your resistance so you can reach a resolution to your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist for Couples, Ego States Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Contemporary Psychotherapy: Redefining the Traditional View of "Resistance" in Therapy

The concept of resistance in psychotherapy originated with Sigmund Freud while he was developing psychoanalysis.  He noticed that some clients refused to talk about certain aspects of their life or, from Freud's perspective, they unconsciously behaved in uncooperative ways that sabotaged the therapy.  Ever since that time, the concept of resistance has taken on a negative connotation and, in my professional opinion, is pathologizing of the client.  

In an earlier article,  Reconceptualizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting Client", I discussed the importance of depathologizing this concept because calling the client "help rejecting" is neither helpful to the client nor to the therapist to understand what's going on in therapy.  Similarly, in this article, I'm advocating for psychotherapists to redefine resistance in therapy and to take a more nuanced look at what's going on.

Contemporary Psychotherapy: Redefining the Traditional View of "Resistance" in Therapy

The Traditional View of Resistance in Psychotherapy
Freud conceptualized resistance to be any unconscious behavior by the client in therapy that was, from his perspective, oppositional and uncooperative.

He indicated that there could be different types of resistance, including transference resistance where the client responds to the psychotherapist as if the therapist is someone from the client's past (typically, parents), self sabotage, ego resistance where the client regresses to an earlier stage of development, repression where the client unconsciously pushes down memories that s/he is avoiding, and other similar forms of so-called resistance.

There might still be psychotherapists, including Classical psychoanalysts, who see the concept of resistance in the same way that Freud did, but many more contemporary psychotherapists have taken a less pathologizing perspective of resistance, and I include myself among those contemporary therapists.

Depathologizing the Concept of Resistance in Contemporary Psychotherapy: Shifting Self States
The traditional way of looking at resistance sees the psychotherapist as being authoritative, someone who knows what's best for the client.  Looking at it from that perspective, when a client is being resistant, the therapist's view is that the client isn't following what the therapist says is best for him or her.

Needless to say, this traditional way of working with clients in therapy is from a time when there was little to no mutuality in psychotherapy between the client and the therapist.  The therapist was seen as the expert and the client needed to follow the therapist's ways of working or, it was believed, the client wouldn't get better.  This way of working tended to shame the client.

During the last 20 or so years, there have been many changes to psychotherapy and, fortunately, this traditional way of seeing the therapist as the authority figure and the client as being in a subordinate position is, for the most part, not practiced any more.

Most contemporary psychotherapists work in a collaborative way.  There is a recognition that psychotherapists don't have all the answers and that the client and therapist need to work together in therapy (see my article: Why It's Important For Your Therapist NOT Have All the Answers).

In my opinion, along with working in a collaborative way, it's also important to recognize that there are two people in the room and there's an intersubjective experience between the client and the therapist (see my article: The Psychotherapy Session: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

Rather than the psychotherapist being the all-knowing authority figure, I believe it is much more helpful for the therapist to use her clinical skills and expertise to be attuned to what is going on with client in the therapy session and help the client to formulate his or her own understanding (see my article: The Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement).

This is a much more client-centered way of working in psychotherapy and tends to help the client to feel more comfortable with the therapist and the therapeutic process, as opposed to the former traditional stance in therapy where the psychotherapist was the authority figure and was "always right."

In a prior article, Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are, I discussed that we all have many different aspects of self (or self states) that make us who we are, and these self states are continuously shifting in all of us (see my article: How Your Shifting Self States Can Affect You For Better or Worse).

Depending on the person, these self states often shift in a barely perceptible way because they are integrated as part of the person's overall makeup of who s/he is.  Or, in some cases, they might be less integrated, which would mean that shifts in self states might be more intense and noticeable.

As I've mentioned in other articles, when I discuss self states that are shifting, I'm not referring to multiple personality disorder or, as it's currently known, dissociative identify disorder.  I'm referring to shifting self states as a natural part of what occurs in everyone.

When we look at the concept of resistance in psychotherapy as part of shifting self states, it's a much more useful way of looking at it.  Rather than seeing the client as being resistant, when we take into account shifting self states, we can see that there are different parts of the client that might feel different ways about a particular part of therapy.

Let's take a look at a fictional clinical vignette that illustrates these concepts:

Contemporary Psychotherapy: Redefining the Traditional View of "Resistance" in Therapy

Ken
Ken began psychotherapy because he felt stuck in his personal life and in his career.

Contemporary Psychotherapy: Redefining the Traditional Concept of "Resistance" in Therapy 

He was unable to sustain a relationship for more than a few months.  After that initial stage of dating, Ken would become fearful of being engulfed in his relationship and he would end it.  Afterwards, he would have regrets, but his fear of engulfment kept him from trying to reconcile his former relationship.  Then, the pattern would begin again with the next person.

At 32, Ken was starting to despair that he could ever be in a long-term relationship.  He was afraid  that his fear of engulfment would continue to sabotage any potential relationship and he would be alone.

With regard to his career, Ken was a middle-level manager, and he usually had problems with his superiors.  Intellectually, he understood that there was a hierarchy at his company, and he understood the reason for the hierarchy.  But on an emotional level, he resented it, and he would sometimes challenge his bosses in subtle and not so subtle ways at staff meetings, which tended to cause problems for him.

Ken was told by the senior vice president at his company that he was viewed as a hard worker and a creative thinker, which was valued at the company, but his "attitude" towards his superiors was getting in the way of his career advancement.

The senior vice president told Ken that, even though Ken was seen as being capable of advancing in terms of his work and creativity, he was also seen as "difficult" and some of the senior managers were hesitant about having Ken as a direct report.  He advised Ken to work on changing his attitude because if he didn't change, he was probably jeopardizing his future with the company.

Deep down, Ken knew that the senior vice president was right.  He knew he could be provocative at times with his boss.  After these incidents, Ken wasn't sure what came over him.  He regretted his behavior and he would apologize to his boss.

Even though his boss was very understanding, Ken knew that he couldn't continue to do this and survive at the company.  He knew he needed to understand himself better and change.

He explained to his current psychotherapist that he had been in therapy in his late teens and early 20s, and he found it to be a discouraging experience.  He would often challenge his psychotherapist's interpretations and it caused friction in their relationship, especially when his therapist called Ken "resistant."

That therapy ended when Ken felt too ashamed to continue, and both Ken and his therapist ended the therapy feeling frustrated.  This experience in psychotherapy kept Ken away from therapy--until now.  He decided to give therapy another chance because he knew he wouldn't be able to change without help.

When Ken's current psychotherapist heard Ken describe his family background, she began to understand what might be contributing to his problems in relationships and in his career.

Ken grew up as the older of two sons.  His father, who was a successful attorney, tended to be cold and authoritative with everyone in the family, including Ken.  Ken said, "My father definitely ruled the roost and everyone had to fall in line with what he wanted, and I resented this."

Ken's mother tended to be overly protective and "smothering" of Ken and his brother.  Even when he was a child, Ken felt overwhelmed and engulfed by his mother's anxious ministrations.

In his teens, even though he loved them, Ken often felt angry with his parents.  He would frequently argue with them and, once, almost came to blows with his father.  By that time he was 18, he was relieved to go away to college to get away from both parents.

Ken's current psychotherapist explained that she worked in a contemporary way that is interactive and collaborative (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation in Psychotherapy).

His therapist also explained the concept of shifting self states to help Ken understand his ambivalence about relationships and his career.  Specifically, it seemed to her that part of Ken wanted to be in a long-term relationship, but part of him was fearful.  The part of Ken that was fearful would become dominant as the relationship got serious and this part contributed to the demise of the relationship (see my article: Wanting and Dreading a Relationship).

Similarly, his psychotherapist explained, that it seemed that part of him wanted to be more cooperative with his boss at work, but another part resented that the boss was an authority figure, and this part would dominate at times and get Ken into trouble.

Then, rather than assuming that she was right, his therapist asked Ken if what she said resonated with him.

Ken responded by saying that he never thought of himself as being made up of different parts, and this idea intrigued him.  As he thought about it, he could see how the different aspects of himself interacted with others at various times.

His therapist also explained that it seemed as if these parts of him that were creating problems for him were based on his earlier experiences, and these parts were actually trying to protect him from feeling overwhelmed like he felt when he was younger.  But now, these parts were getting in his way (see my article: Understanding Why You're Still Affected By Trauma That Occurred a Long Time Ago and Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Triggers).

Since Ken was open to the idea, his therapist recommended that they do Ego States work, which is an experiential form of therapy, to help him to differentiate the different parts of himself, understand when they get triggered, and address the fears that were contained in these parts.

Rather than talking about the different parts of himself, Ken would experience these parts in Ego States work (see my article: Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Psychological Breakthroughs).

At first, Ken agreed that this was a good idea, and he was enthusiastic about it.  But soon after they started doing Ego States work, Ken got anxious and he wanted to stop.

When his therapist attempted to explore with Ken what happened, Ken told her that he didn't know--he just didn't want to do it.

His therapist explained that she respected his choice.  She just wanted to understand and help Ken understand what shifted for him.  She said that if Ken was open to this exploration, it might help him to understand what shifted for him in terms of shifting self states.

The particular memory they were working on was an experience Ken had with his former girlfriend when he felt overwhelmed by her suggestion that they talk about where their relationship was going.  He remembered feeling the same as when he was younger and he felt engulfed by his mother.

It was at the point when Ken wanted to stop doing this experiential work and he said to his therapist, "I know you're going to tell me that I'm being 'resistant' just like my prior therapist used to say to me."

But Ken was surprised that his current therapist told him that she didn't find it especially helpful to tell clients that they're being "resistant."  Instead, she went back to the concept of shifting self states and that a particular self state, whose motive might be protective, might be the cause of this change in him.

Ken was relieved that his therapist wasn't blaming him, and he became less defensive.  This allowed him to think about what shifted for him internally as they were doing Ego States work.  As he calmed down, he realized that he thought of his mother while they were working with the memory and he remembered how he felt so overwhelmed by his mother when she was too much for him.

His therapist said she understood and introduced the idea of internal resources.  As part of developing internal resources, she asked Ken if he could imagine someone who could have been helpful to him when he felt engulfed by his mother (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool in Therapy).

Ken thought about it for a few minutes and said he thought his uncle, his mother's brother, would have been helpful.  In fact, when his uncle was around and he saw Ken's mother being intrusive with Ken, he would tell Ken's mother to relax and she would back off.  But, unfortunately, he wasn't always around.

Ken's therapist asked Ken if he would be willing to imagine his uncle being here with him now when he went back into that memory.  Ken agreed, and he was surprised that by using his imagination and sensing his uncle was with him, he felt calmer.  At that point, with the help of this internal resource, they were able to go back to doing the Ego States work.

As they continued to work together doing Ego States work and discussing it afterwards, Ken developed a better understanding of himself.  He also noticed a positive shift in how he interacted with his boss at work, and his boss commented that he noticed it too.

When Ken began dating again, he recognized when a fearful self state was about to get in the way and he was able to calm himself.  He also continued to explore this issue with his psychotherapist.  This allowed Ken to remain in a relationship with a woman that he really liked.

Overall, Ken felt calmer and more emotionally integrated at work and in his romantic relationship.

Conclusion
In my opinion as a psychotherapist, the traditional view of resistance is not helpful to the client, the therapist or to the work in therapy.

It tends to be an all-or-nothing concept that doesn't take into account that people are much more nuanced in their behavior.

As I mentioned before, calling a client "resistant" is pathologizing. This also makes it shaming, which creates a lot more problems for the client in therapy.

Taking a more contemporary view in psychotherapy and seeing what might be called "resistance" as shifting self states helps the therapist and the client to understand ambivalence and to work through that ambivalence with the parts of the client that are getting in the way.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel stuck in your life, even though you really want to make changes, you might be struggling with self states that are ambivalent about the change.

Ego States therapy is one way to work in therapy to help to distinguish the different self states involved in the ambivalence, give them "a voice," and work towards overcoming whatever fear might be contained in the particular self state.

When you're able to overcome the obstacles in your way, you can live a more fulfilling and meaningful life free from your earlier problematic history (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than blaming yourself or remaining stuck, you could benefit from working with an experienced contemporary psychotherapist who works in a non-pathologizing way (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who tends to work in an integrative way in therapy (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients, in a nonjudgmental and interactive way, to overcome the obstacles that are keeping them from leading a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Allow Yourself to Feel Your Feelings and Express Them in a Healthy Way

Many people resist allowing themselves to feel their feelings fully, especially feelings that are uncomfortable for them, like anger or sadness.  What they don't realize is that by resisting these feelings, they're actually intensifying them.  They might avoid their uncomfortable feelings for a while, but these feelings will probably surface again stronger than ever.

Allow Yourself to Feel Your Feelings 

Aside from uncomfortable feelings coming back with greater intensity, the psychological energy that it takes to repress these feelings can be exhausting.

For some people, who manage to numb these feelings, they also end up numbing all their feelings so that they don't feel much of anything, not even happiness.

Resisting Uncomfortable Feelings Usually Intensifies Them

Rather than labeling feelings as "good" or "bad," it's important to realize that feelings are a normal part of being human.

This doesn't mean that you have to wallow in them or obsess about them.  It means that you accept yourself as a human being with a range of feelings.

Learning to Feel Your Feelings

Many people, who are afraid of their uncomfortable feelings, are afraid that if they allow themselves to feel their feelings that they will become overwhelmed.

But, for most people, making time and space for feelings usually has the opposite effect, rather than expanding, the feelings tend to settle down.

Feelings are more likely to become overwhelming when they're suppressed (see my article: Coping with Grief).

Allow Yourself to Feel Your Feeling in a Healthy Way

Rather than suppressing the feelings that make you feel uncomfortable, here are some tips that you might find helpful:

Rather than avoiding your uncomfortable feelings, create space in your mind and body for them.  

What do I mean by that?  I mean that you allow yourself, at the right time and place, to express your emotions in a healthy way rather than squelching them.

Allow Yourself to Feel Your Feelings

This means that, among the many ways you can allow yourself to feel your feelings in a healthy way, you can cry, talk to a trusted friend or loved one about how you feel, punch a pillow to let out anger or frustration, go for a walk or run, express your emotions in a personal journal or draw.  

The Mind-Body Connection: Feeling Your Feelings in an Embodied Way

Feelings are energy in your body, and the body often holds onto feelings, including unconscious feelings (see my article: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

The mind-body connection is important when you're learning to deal with  uncomfortable feelings because the feelings aren't just in your mind, they're also in your body.

Some people like to use movement or dance to express their feelings.  You don't have to be a dancer or "talented" to do this.  

If you can sense into your body, you can feel where your emotions are in your body.  So, for instance, if you feel your hands are clutched in anger, ask yourself what your hands feel like doing in order to express themselves.  Maybe they feel like getting wrung out or maybe they want you to rotate at the wrists.

If you sense that you're holding onto tension in your shoulders, what movement can you make to loosen up your shoulders?

This might feel awkward at first, but your body often knows intuitively what to do and, after a while if you keep trying this, you'll gain a better sense about where uncomfortable emotions are trapped in your body and learn to express them in intuitive ways.

Another example is heart openings poses in yoga where there is a more expansive feeling in your chest.  These poses often release emotion.  It's not unusual for people doing heart opening poses in yoga to feel a release of emotion.  Experienced yoga teachers know this.

Learning to Feel Your Feelings in a Healthy Way Also Means Taking Personal Responsibility

There are some people who think that allowing themselves to feel their feelings means that they can be physically or emotionally abusive towards others.  But that's not what I mean when I say to feel your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Understanding and Expressing Your Emotions in a Healthy Way).

Feeling your feelings means that you do this in a healthy and responsible way with yourself and other.

No matter what you're feeling, you're still responsible for your feelings.

So, feeling your feelings doesn't mean that you take them out on other people or that you abuse yourself. 

Learning to feel your feelings in a healthy way means that you find healthy outlets to express yourself without abusing yourself or others.

Managing Your Stress Level on a Regular Basis

Aside from allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable feelings that you're aware of in your mind and body, it's also important to manage your stress on a regular basis so these feelings don't get to the point where they overwhelm you (see my article:  Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).

Manage Your Stress 

Find stress management techniques that work best for you.

It's different for everyone.

Whether you practice meditation or yoga, go walking on a regular basis, or whatever works for you, be consistent so that you'll feel more balanced and grounded (see my article: Safe Place Meditation and The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when, despite your best efforts to cope on your own, you might need professional help from a licensed mental health professional, especially if you're overwhelmed by a traumatic event (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy).

If you've tried and you're unable to cope with the feelings that are coming up, rather than trying to go it alone, seek professional help, especially if you're feeling depressed or anxious (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you're feeling suicidal, it's important that you get help immediately, which could mean calling 911 or going to the nearest emergency room if you feel you're in imminent danger of hurting yourself.

It takes courage to ask for help, but most people discover that taking the first step of asking for help is usually the hardest and then it tends to get easier from there (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

Recognizing that everyone needs help at some point in his or her life can make it easier to pick up the phone and ask for help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy, But Your Loved Ones Might Find the Change Challenging

People who are happy about making progress in their therapy are often surprised to discover that their loved ones aren't ready for the change.  Sometimes, even loved ones, who begged them to make these same changes, are uncomfortable with the changes once they've occurred.

You're Happy About Making Progress in Therapy, But Your Loved Ones Might Find the Change Challenging

Why Are Loved Ones Uncomfortable With the Changes You're Making?  
At first glance, this might not make sense.  But as we take a moment to consider the dynamics involved with change and how it affects the family system, we can begin to see that even change that we and our loved ones have wanted for a long time can be stressful and family members might resist.

Change in a family system, even change that everyone would agree is for the best, can upset the so-called "apple cart" in unexpected ways.

Let's take a look at an example, which is a composite of many different cases, that illustrates how even positive change in a relationship can create resistance in a family:

Bob
Several months before Bob started therapy, his wife, Alice, organized an intervention with their adult children and Bob's siblings to confront him about his excessive drinking.  Prior to this, Alice had tried everything she could think of to try to get Bob to stop drinking--all to no avail.

When Bob walked into the house and saw everyone, he knew immediately why his family was assembled and he nearly walked out in anger.  But Tom, Bob's older brother, who was someone that everyone in the family looked up to, including Bob, gently took his arm and brought him into the room.

Although Bob was angry at first, but as his wife and family spoke to him about how worried they were about him and how his drinking affected them, he was moved to tears.  He already knew everything that they were telling him, but hearing it from everyone at the same time was both powerful and humbling.

From that day forward, Bob made a commitment to himself and to his family that he would stop drinking.  He began attending A.A. regularly.  He got a sponsor.  And, when he was sober for six months of sobriety, he began attending therapy--something he thought he would never do.

As Bob began to work on unresolved emotional issues in therapy, he started feeling a little more confident in himself.  And as he became a little more confident, he realized that, throughout the years, his wife had assumed most of the responsibility for their lives and he had been absent from that process for all of that time.  Now that he was sober and making changes in himself, he wanted to be more involved.

For instance, during almost their entire marriage, Alice raised their children.  She made all the financial decisions.  She paid the bills.  She decided how they would invest their money and which charities they would contribute to.  She also made decisions about which contractors they would use to renovate the house...and so on.

But when Bob told Alice that he wanted to be more involved with these decisions, she told him that she had "everything under control" and he didn't need to worry about it.

This confused Bob.  He thought he was offering to take some of the burden off Alice's shoulders, but her response gave Bob the impression that she actually didn't want him involved.

So, Bob asked Alice if they could talk about this because he recognized that this would be a big change for both of them.  Alice readily agreed to talk.

At the start of their discussion, she told him that she was so happy that he stopped drinking and he was getting help to stay sober.  But she had been making the financial decisions, and she didn't see any need to change this now.

Bob could see that Alice was starting to get upset when she asked him, "Don't you trust me any more to make financial decisions that are best for both of us?  Haven't I done a good job all these years while you were getting drunk?  Why should we change now?"

Bob tried to assure Alice that he thought she was great at how she managed all these years--this wasn't a criticism of her.  He tried to explain that since he got sober, his mind was clearer, he was opening up more in his therapy, and he realized that he had been absent for many of the major decisions.  He regretted that he was so out of it that she was left on her own to shoulder these responsibilities.  And now that he was sober and he was working on making changes in himself, he also wanted to make changes within their relationship and feel like an equal partner.

Their discussion devolved into an argument with Alice accusing him of trying to take control away from her, and Bob trying to explain that he wanted to share in these decisions--not take them away from Alice.

During Bob's next therapy session, he talked to his therapist about the argument, which upset him and made him think about drinking.  He felt that even though Alice told him that she was happy that he was making positive changes in himself, it seemed that, on some level, she wasn't completely happy about it, and this hurt and angered Bob.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling on your own with unresolved problems, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Psychotherapy can help to free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Resistance to Change

I read a blog article by Rosabeth Moss Kanter in the Harvard Business Review Blog Network called Ten Reasons People Resist Change.  The article addressed business leaders about why many employees resist change in the workplace.  As I was reading the article, I realized that there are parallels to the kinds of resistance many psychotherapy clients experience--even though they come to therapy, at least initially, because they want to change.

Overcoming Resistance to Change

Skilled Therapists Know that Clients Often Resist Change
Skilled therapists recognize that psychotherapy clients often have mixed feelings about change.  Most of the time, clients come to therapy because there's a problem they want to change.  They know that, on some level, their lives aren't working out.  They might know that they can't keep going in the same direction.  So, they come to therapy because they want to make changes in their lives.  Or do they?

It's not unusual for psychotherapy clients to become afraid of the very change that they say they want. 

Change can represent the unknown, uncharted territory.  It raises a lot of questions and uncertainty:

• How will this change affect the rest of their lives?  They've been accustomed to living their lives a certain way, possibly for many years, and now they're faced with making changes.  
• What if it doesn't work out?  
• What if they "fail" with these new changes?  
• What if it's too much of a hassle?  
• What if things come up in therapy that are completely unexpected?  How would they handle the unexpected?
• What will they have to give up for this change? 

These are all questions that Rosabeth Moss Kanter writes about in her blog article about employees, and they're equally true for psychotherapy clients.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of how a psychotherapy client dealt with his fears about changing the issue he came to therapy to change:

Rick:
After Rick's family confronted him in an intervention, organized by his wife, to talk to him about his drinking, Rick had to admit that his life at home and at work had become unmanageable.  He knew he couldn't go on drinking the way he had been, and he stood to lose his wife, his children, and his job if he didn't change.  So, he contacted a therapist who specializes in substance abuse.

Before his first session, Rick nearly walked out of the waiting area.  His stomach felt queasy, his hands were sweaty, and his thoughts were racing:  "Maybe my problem isn't so bad.  Why do I need to come to therapy?  Maybe I can do this on my own? Maybe I can try to cut back?"

As the therapy session started and he heard himself give his alcohol history, he had a new realization about how long he had been drinking and how alcohol had affected his life, starting from his teenage years:  he almost got thrown out of college for being drunk on campus; he lost his first job because he took off too many days when he was hung over; his first girlfriend left him because she couldn't deal with his drinking; and now his wife and family were confronting him.

Of course, he knew all of these things before, but saying them out loud, at one time, had a big impact on him.  Suddenly, he realized that he had been rationalizing away his drinking for most of his adult life.  Now, in his mid-30s, he was looking back and he didn't like what he was seeing.

Overcoming Resistance to Change

Rick left that first session feeling more motivated than ever to stop drinking.  When he got home, he thanked his wife for having the intervention that was the catalyst for his seeking help.  But, later that week, one of Rick's drinking buddies called him and asked Rick to meet him and a few other friends at the bar they usually frequented.

Rick hadn't told any of his drinking buddies that he started therapy to stop drinking.  He felt too embarrassed to tell them.  He didn't want to lose face with them.  He tried to make up an excuse for not going, but his friend was very persistent.  Rick went back and forth in his mind about what to do.  On the one hand, he knew that if he went to the bar, he would begin drinking and he wouldn't be able to stop.  He knew that if he did that, he would be a disappointment to himself and his family.  On the other hand, he really liked his drinking buddies and he would miss them if he stopped hanging out at the local bar with them.

After a few minutes, he thought to himself, "What the hell, I'll go and I won't drink."  An hour later, Rick was at the bar having his usual drink and telling himself that he'd only have one.  After the second drink, he told himself that he would set the limit at three which, after all, was a lot less than he usually drank.  But by the third drink, Rick was "off to the races" and he couldn't stop.  His buddies drove him home, and he staggered into the living room where his wife was waiting for him.

Once Rick saw the hurt look on her face, he felt deeply ashamed.  He wanted to apologize, but he was too drunk to even get the words out.  The next day, he was too hung over to go to work, so he called in sick.  He felt despondent.  Later in the day, he renewed his commitment to himself and to his wife that he would stop drinking.

Overcoming Resistance to Change

During the next several weeks in therapy, Rick talked about how his life was changing now that he wasn't drinking any more.  Life was hard, and Rick wasn't sure that this was what he wanted.  Now that he was sober, he had to face the mounting bills he was avoiding, problems his son was having at school, a reorganization at work, and his wife's distrust that he would stay sober.  And, he had to do all of this without alcohol.  He realized now that alcohol had become a sort of "friend" that helped him to relax and zone out.  He wasn't sure if he liked being sober.  He thought it might be too hard to live a sober life, and he wasn't sure he wanted to do it.

During the next several months, Rick struggled to remain sober with the help of his therapist, A.A, and an A.A. sponsor.  It seemed to him that every week brought a new challenge.  He hated having to give up his drinking buddies.  But he realized that they weren't going to stop drinking and if he had any hope of not ruining his life with alcohol, he couldn't hang around with them.  So, he began forming new friendships with people he met at A.A.

Step by step, Rick began to put his life back together.  There were times when he was tempted to leave therapy because part of him wanted his old life back.  Working towards change was a constant emotional battle, going back and forth in his mind about whether or how much he wanted to change.  There were times when he went into denial and told himself that he could drink and he didn't need to be in therapy.  At those times, he battled with himself and found the strength to continue making positive changes.

Change isn't Easy
Many psychotherapy clients struggle with the changes they say they want.  Change isn't easy, especially in the beginning.  Some people have many false starts before they commit themselves to changing.

Some Resistance to Change is Normal in Therapy
Resisting change, to a certain extent, is part of changing.  It's rare that someone comes to therapy and doesn't have some mixed feelings about change.  A skilled therapist can help psychotherapy clients to sort out this resistance.  A therapist won't tell you what to do, but s/he can help you to figure it out for yourself.

Do You Want to Stay on the Fence Forever?
For some people, change feels so daunting, even change that they want, that they stay on the fence about coming to therapy for years.  Then, at some point, they might look back on their lives and regret the time they wasted.

Getting Help in Therapy
You don't have to be 100% convinced about the changes you're considering before you come to therapy.  If you think about where you are and where you want to be all at once, it can seem overwhelming.

You can look at it as a process where you take one step at a time, knowing that you can stop at any time.  It can begin with having a consultation with a therapist, knowing that you can decide at each step how far you want to go.  If you've been on the fence about making changes for a long time, don't you owe it to yourself to at least take that first step?

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to make positive changes so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.