The 5 Flirting Styles: The Playful Flirting Style

I'm continuing to discuss the five flirting styles, as defined by Dr. Jeffrey Hall in his book, The Five Flirting Styles, in this article.  

As mentioned in my earlier articles, Dr. Hall's book has a heteronormative perspective, so it doesn't address LGBTQ issues--although many of the general concepts could apply.

Even though I'm discussing each flirting style individually, be aware that people are usually a combination of flirting styles.

In this article, I'm focusing on the Playful Flirting Style.

My two prior articles provide information about flirting styles and those article will help you to understand the current article better:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. Often, but not always, they have a particular goal of making a sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoy being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but many playful flirts aren't especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest, but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of that and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Sociosexuality and Erotophilia

Sociosexuality, also called sociosexual orientation, refers to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activity outside of a committed relationship or a relationship with an emotional bond.

Unrestricted sociosexuality means more of a willingness to engage in casual sex.,  

Restricted sociosexuality means less of a willingness to engage in casual sex.

See the prior article for a more detailed explanation of sociosexuality. 

That article also has information about erotophilia, which is a personality trait that indicates a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.

The Playful Flirting Style

Like all the Flirting Styles, the Playful Flirting Style refers to a range of flirtatious behavior from innocuous to highly manipulative. The more manipulative strategies, like the ones that pickup artists, also known as players, are manipulative and can be hurtful.

According to Dr. Hall, someone with a Playful Flirting Style flirts:

• In many instances--even when there's no interest or chance for a relationship

• Possibly when they're trying to get something from you (e.g., a ride home, a dinner, concert tickets, etc)

• As a way to joke around to get to know you

• As a way to pick you up, especially at a bar

• When there is an interest in casual sex or sometimes more

• Sarcastically as a way to initiate banter with you

• To establish a Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship with you

• Possibly even if you or they are in a relationship or married

• Because they're mostly interested in the here-and-now (as opposed to long term)

• By sexting to get your attention or string you along (see my article on breadcrumbing)

Playful Flirting as Complementary to the Physical Flirting Style

As mentioned in my last article, the Playful Flirting Style is complementary to the Physical Flirting Style.

Playful and Physical Flirting Styles

According to Dr. Hall, it's common for people who use playful flirting to also use physical flirting.  This can lead to intense sexual chemistry and attraction if both people are interested.

Men and Women

Both men and women use the Playful Flirting Style with or without physical flirting.

Even though playful flirts are usually socially adept, they're often rebellious, they are less likely to adhere to social conventions (as compared to polite or traditional flirts, which will be discussed in future articles).  

Some playful flirts can be somewhat callous, and if someone's feelings get hurt, they don't feel remorse because they feel this comes with the territory.

For many people who use the Playful Flirting Style, flirting is mostly fun and games.

Many playful flirts like to remain single to be able to continue to engage in playful flirting unfettered by a committed relationship.

Even the ones who are in a committed relationship might flirt with others in front of their partners and think nothing of it because, from their point of view, they don't mean anything by it.  As far as they're concerned, they're mostly flirting for the sake of flirting and it's meaningless to them.

Age

According to Dr. Hall, the Playful Flirting Style is most prevalent among 25-35 year olds--although any of the flirting styles can be used at any time, at any age and with anyone.

Why Do People Use Playful Flirting?

Based on Dr. Hall's research, here are some of the reasons why people use playful flirting:

• It makes them feel good because it's an ego boost.

• It's how they connect with people.

• They often don't care if the other person flirts back with them since they're not necessarily looking for anything to happen.

• Women who use playful flirting often use it as a way to get attention and signal an interest in the other person.

• Some men, who are pickup artists, also known as players, use the combination of giving a woman a compliment at the same time they criticize her, which is meant as a manipulation to get her to defend herself (this is called negging).  They see this as their way of flirting but, unlike other playful flirts, they usually have a particular agenda, which is to make a sexual conquest.

See my article: The Sincere Flirting Style

Conclusion

Playful flirting is one of five flirting styles, as defined by researcher and author Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

In reality, people are often a combination of flirting styles and some styles are more likely to occur in combination others. For instance, playful and physical flirting often go together.

Both men and women engage in playful flirting, which is usually meant to be casual.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Flirting Styles: The Physical Flirting Style

In a prior article, What's Your Flirting Style?, I began a discussion about the five flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want.  Dr. Hall did extensive research on this topic, as described in his book.

The Physical Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Physical Flirting Style, but first, let's review of the 5 Flirting Styles:

Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles

If you haven't read my prior article, I suggest you take a moment to review it because it provides an overview of the five flirting styles, as described by Dr. Hall in his research on flirting.

It's important to note that Dr. Hall's research focused on heterosexual men and women, so it does not include the LGBTQ population.

In reality, most people are a combination of flirting styles. 

There is often one style that predominates for a particular person.  For the sake of simplicity, I'll be discussing these styles individually.

As a recap from the last article, here's a brief summary:

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

What is Sociosexuality?

Sociosexuality, which is also referred to as sociosexual orientation, was studied by the famous Sex Researcher Alfred Kinsey over 70 years ago.

Since that time, sex researchers have continued to study sociosexuality.

Sociosexuality is on a spectrum with regard to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activities without emotional involvement. 

On one end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is unrestricted, a person is willing to have sex without emotional involvement--"no strings attached."  

On the other end of the spectrum, where sociosexuality is more restricted, a person needs to feel an emotional attachment in order to have sex. 

Then, there's everyone else in between.

The revised Sociosexual Orientation Inventory (SOI-R) was designed to measure sociosexuality in three areas:

• Behavior
• Attitude
• Desire

A High SOI means an unrestricted orientation.  

A low SOI means a more restricted orientation.

Unrestricted sociosexuality is associated with:

• Early life experiences with sex
• More frequent sexual activity
• A greater number of sexual partners over the course of a lifetime

People with unrestricted sociosexuality also tend to score 

• Higher on openness to experience
• Extroversion
• Lower agreeableness
• Lower on honesty-humility
• Higher on erotophilia*

*Erotophilia is a personality trait which assesses a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.  

People with an erotophilic personality tend to 

• Masturbate more
• Fantasize more frequently
• Think about sex more often
• Tend to have more sexual experiences.

The scale ranges from erotophobic** to erotophilia.

People with an erotophobic personality tend to have

• More traditional sex roles
• Sexual guilt 
• Negative reactions to masturbation
• Negative reactions to non-heteronormative sexuality

Sociosexuality and Flirting Styles

Sociosexuality is related to a person's flirting style and the types of relationships they prefer.

The more unrestricted a person is with regard to their sociosexuality, the more willing they are to 

• Pick up strangers
• Hooking up for casual sex or one-night stands
• Have multiple sexual partners 

The more restricted a person's sociosexuality the less likely they would be to 

• Engage in casual sexual behavior
• Have multiple partners or cheat.

Knowing your sociosexuality is important to knowing whether you want to seek out a more stable relationship if you're more restricted or if you want to see people casually for sex if you are more unrestricted.  

It's also important to know your sociosexual orientation can change over time.

People who have a more restricted sociosexual orientation tend to have either a 

• Traditional Flirting Style, or a
• Polite Flirting Style

People who have a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation tend to have a 

• Physical Flirting Style, or a 
• Playful Flirting Style

The Physical Flirting Style

    Age

With regard to age, according to Dr. Hall, people in their 30s are most likely to use the Physical Flirting Style as opposed to people in their 40s and beyond. 

This is, of course, a generalization and it doesn't mean that people in their 40s and beyond don't use their physicality to flirt.  It just means that many people tend to be most confident in their physical appearance in their 30s.

Another possible factor with regard to people beyond their 30s using the Physical Flirting Style is that, many of them are more interested in having a meaningful relationship as opposed to hooking up or casual dating. Once again, this is a generalization, but it's a possibility that Dr. Hall posits in his writing.

It's noteworthy that, according to Dr. Hall, many people in their 20s aren't as confident using the Physical Flirting Style, especially those who haven't had enough sexual, dating and relationship experience.  Based on Dr. Hall's research, people in their 20s are the age group that uses the Physical Flirting Style the least. 

    Women vs Men

Dr. Hall indicates that, comparing men and women, women tend to use physical flirting more often because, as women, they have more options as to how they use physicality--like flicking their hair, using making up, wearing sexy outfits, and so on.

This doesn't mean that men don't use the Physical Flirting Style--because they do.  They just do it in a different way as described in the two scenarios below.

Generally, women, who use a Physical Flirting Style, are good at attracting men through nonverbal cues, and men tend to be the ones who make the approach. There are, of course, women who approach men, but it doesn't occur as often.

Please Note: If this is your Flirting Style, it's important to remember that not everyone will be receptive to physical flirting, especially if it involves touching.  So, you have to be aware that it's one thing to touch someone's arm lightly versus touching other body parts.  And for some people even touching their arm might be considered a boundary violation.  Consent and context are important.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The Playful Flirting Style, which I 'll discuss in a future article, is the style most closely linked to the Physical Flirting Style.  The other flirting styles don't usually complement physical flirting.

Personality and the Physical Flirting Style

Generally speaking, people who use the Physical Flirting Style are

• Outgoing
• Friendly
• Like to be around other people.  
• Tend to have a positive disposition

Examples of the Physical Flirting Style

Here are two examples of the Physical Flirting Style:

Donna

Before going out with friends to a club, Donna gets herself in the mood for the night by blasting dance music and dancing around the room as she picks out the outfit she wants to wear based on her mood that night.

Once she meets up with her friends at a club, she makes it a habit not to stick with her women friends the whole night because she knows that many guys are too uncomfortable to approach a woman who is with a bunch of her friends. So she will occasionally go to the bar to order a drink on her own.  

The Physical Flirting Style

While she's at the bar, she will notice if there's anyone she finds attractive.  If there is, she will find a way to stand next to him, make eye contact, smile and greet him, "What's going on?" or she might ask him what he's drinking or any friendly comment to get the conversation started.

If the attractive guy at the bar doesn't seem interested, she'll linger for a moment and give it a second try with another friendly comment. But if there's still no interest, she won't hang around. Her attitude is "There's plenty of fish in the sea" so she doesn't need to waste her time with someone who's not interested in her.

But if she senses his interest, she knows it doesn't really matter what she talks about as long as she keeps the conversation going and she draws him in.  From there, as she talks, she will find ways to touch him lightly on his arm or shoulder--always making it look casual.  If the conversation is going well, she might give him her number or ask for his.

For some guys, Donna's Physical Flirting style might be too disarming and forward. This would be especially true for a man with a Traditional Flirting style, who likes to stick to traditional gender roles where the man initiates and a woman responds. But if the man Donna is talking to also has a Physical Flirting or a Playful Flirting Style, he might be delighted to meet Donna because they're on the same wavelength.

On other nights if Donna is in the mood to dance, she gets up on the dance floor by herself and let's herself dance with abandon. Inevitably, a guy will approach her and start dancing with her.  If she's attracted to him, she usually suggests they go outside for some air so they can talk more easily away from the noise.

If she's really attracted to the guy and she's feeling sexually aroused, she might ask him back to the apartment she shares with two other roommates. 

In some cases, these hookups remain one night stands for her because that's all she's interested in.  In other cases, she dates these men for a while or the encounter develops into a short term relationship.

Donna tends to go out with a confident and positive attitude. Even if she doesn't meet anyone she's attracted to on a particular night, she just thinks she'll meet someone the next time.  

A few years later, when Donna has matured and she wants to get into a long term relationship, she realizes she needs to change her Flirting Style.  

In terms of her sociosexual orientation, Donna had a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation when she was younger, which is common.  As she matures, she isn't as unrestricted because she's no longer interested in just having sex without an emotional bond, so she is somewhat more restricted--although, along the way to finding a serious relationship, she still enjoys occasional casual sex when she's in the mood.

As she matures, she remains confident, friendly and positive, but she puts more thought into her choices.  She also puts more thought into how she approaches guys.  

Her flirting style has evolved into a more Sincere Flirting Style style, where she's more interested in getting to know the man better before she's sexual with him.  However, her fliring style is now more of a hybid because she still experiences times when she has a Physical Flirting Style.  

John

John also has a Physical Flirting Style when he is in his 20s.

Before going to a club to pick up women, he always makes sure he does some manscaping and packs condoms in case he "gets lucky." He also stands in front of the mirror to comb his hair just the way he likes it (picture Tony Manero of Saturday Night Fever).

During that time, some women are put off by John's swagger.  But other women are attracted to his confident, friendly and outgoing manner, especially if they aren't looking for anything serious.

He usually looks for women who are standing alone and who look approachable. He's good at reading body language and other cues that a woman is interested. Then, after a few words of conversation, he buys them a drink.  If that goes, he would ask them to dance.  

The Physical Flirting Style

On the dance floor, he's never creepy or predatory.

He often ends the night with several women's phone numbers.  Sometimes, he hooks up with women in the backseat of his car or at a nearby motel.  In his 20s, he consides that a good night out.  

During that time, he's honest with women that he isn't looking for anything serious so there won't be any misunderstandings or hurt feelings. And, at any given time, he's usually dating several women at once, which he's also honest about with each woman.

But in his early 30s, John begins thinking seriously about what he wants. He isn't interested any more in hooking up for the sake of hooking up. It's become boring for him and he wants something more.

As his buddies get into serious relationships, get married and have children, John sees the appeal of their new lives.  Hooking up now feels empty and meaningless to him.  He wants to develop a relationship and build a life with someone.

The clubs no longer have as much of an appeal to him anymore, which is fortunate because there are fewer of them by the time John is in his 30s.  Instead, he joins dating apps to meet women.

In terms of his sociosexual orientation, John has changed from having a mostly unrestricted sociosexual orientation to being more selective. He isn't restricted, but he is more selective. He still enjoys casual sex at times, but he's more focused on meeting someone for a committed relationship.

His female friends complain to him that they're having problems meeting anyone serious on the dating apps but, as a man in New York City, he discovers he has a lot more choices than his female friends.

After many first dates with other women, he meets Sara.  Even though, in terms of how he's still mostly the physical flirting type, he takes his time to get to know her. Rather than just focusing on having sex right away, he establishs a rapport with her similar to the Sincere Flirting Style. 

Conclusion

The Physical Flirting style is one of five styles.

People with this style often use nonverbal touch and open body language. They're often good at reading other people's verbal and nonverbal cues to determine if they're interested. It's the also flirting style that is most sexually charged.

As illustrated in the examples above, flirting styles can change over time as people develop and mature.  Or, they can essentially remain the same but evolve over time.

In reality, most people are some combination of the flirting styles with two or more flirting styles.

In future articles, I'll focus on the other flirting styles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's Your Flirting Style?

In a "Love and Libido" podcast, Sex Therapist Dr. Emily Jamea interviewed Dr. Jeffrey Hall, author of The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want (see my article: How to Flirt Without Being Creepy).

This article is an introduction to the five flirting styles, which will be described in more detail in future articles.

Flirting

What is Flirting?

Flirting is when someone behaves as if they're attracted to someone.

Flirting usually involves a combination of verbal communication and body language. 

Depending on the goal of person flirting, flirting can start a sexual or romantic relationship with someone. It also can start a hookup or casual date.

In addition, it can be done as a way to amuse the person flirting and the person with whom they're flirting and have no other goal at all other than amusement.

Sometimes, people flirt as a way to get attention and an ego boost.

The 5 Flirting Styles

Most people flirt regardless of sexual orientation, gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race and so on.

Dr. Hall's book focuses on heterosexual men and women.

According to Dr. Hall, the five flirting styles are:

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular agenda in terms of a sexual conquest, a date or a relationship. They just enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting.  It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

Playful Flirting

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest and men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

Physical Flirting: Playing Footsie

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment. So, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

Personality Types and Flirting Styles

According to Dr. Hall's research, extroverts are usually open to new experiences and they tend to prefer physical, playful or sincere flirting styles. 

The research also indicates that introverts prefer traditional and polite flirting styles. 

Agreeable people tend to be sincere flirts.  

People who are moderately agreeable and conscientious, who are also outgoing, tend to be physical flirts. 

People who are not agreeable or conscientious tend to be playful flirts.

Flirting Styles and Dating and Relationship Success

Based on Dr. Hall's research, people with sincere, physical or playful flirting styles tend to have the best dating success.

People with sincere and physical styles tend to lead more quickly to relationships. 

Traditional flirts tend to take things slower, which allows for a relationship to develop over time in a meaningful way.

Polite flirts tend to be sincere, which helps some of them to be more outgoing.

Each style has its own advantages.  

Some styles allow people to connect with many people whereas other styles prioritize relationship building with fewer people.

Conclusion

Each flirting style has pros and cons.

Knowing your flirting style can help you to be aware of how you're coming across and if your particular style suits your dating and relationships goals--if you have goals--at particular points in your life.

Future Articles 

As I mentioned above, I'll cover each of these flirting styles in more detail in future articles.

See my articles: 

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

Technology has made it easier than ever to connect with others for job hunting, dating and connecting with friends and family.  However, technology has also made it easier to disappear without communicating in dating relationships, serious relationship--and even in therapy.

What is Ghosting?

Ghosting is a term used to describe someone leaving a relationship by suddenly disappearing without an explanation. People who use ghosting as a way to leave a relationship withdraw without any further communication.  

Being Ghosted Feels Sad, Confusing and Frustrating

In addition, people who use ghosting often don't respond to the other person when they try to find out what happened, which can create confusion, sadness, feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Being Ghosted Can Cause You to Feel Rejected

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

There can be many reasons why people choose to use ghosting as a way of withdrawing from a relationship.

Here are a few of the most common reasons:

• Fear of Confrontation: Many people don't have the necessary relationship and communication skills to end a relationship. Since they don't know how to communicate their feelings and they are afraid of a confrontation, they just withdraw.  This type of emotional avoidance allows them to leave without the messiness they fear if they were to communicate directly (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style of Emotionally Unavailable People).

Ghosting and Fear of Confrontation

• Avoidance of Responsibility: Some people don't know how to take responsibility for their feelings. So, they avoid taking responsibility by disappearing from the other person's life. 

• Poor Interpersonal and Communication Skills: Many people haven't developed the necessary interpersonal and communication skills to date or be in a relationship, so when there's a need for a difficult conversation, they choose to silently withdraw.

• A Lack of Empathy: People who use ghosting to leave a relationship often have problems putting themselves in the other person's shoes to anticipate how hurtful it is to be ghosted. In addition, due to their lack of insight, they often don't understand the confusion they create by ghosting or, if they understand, they don't care.

Are There Warning Signs That Someone Might Ghost You?

People who get ghosted are often surprised, but there are often warning signs that someone might ghost you if things aren't going well.

There is no one particular sign that points to the possibility of being ghosted, but if you see a few of the following dynamics, this could indicate someone who might ghost you:

• A History of Ghosting: Someone who has ghosted before will often do it again. If there's a history of ghosting that you become aware of while you're seeing someone, be aware they might do it to you.

• A History of Only Short Term Dating Relationships: If the person you're seeing has only been in short term dating relationships that last a few months or weeks, this could be a warning sign that they have problems committing and, therefore, tend to leave after a short period of time. 

• A Problem Forming a Meaningful Connection With You: If you're dating someone and you recognize that they have problems forming a meaningful connection with you, this could indicate that they don't know how to form connections and that ending a relationship will be even harder for them, which could lead to ghosting (see my article: Relationships: A Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).

• Inconsistent Communication: If you notice that someone's pattern of communication with you is inconsistent or it takes them a long time to respond to you, this could indicate that they're about to fade from your life. Ghosting often begins with communication becoming more infrequent until they just slip out of your life.

• A Reluctance to Commit to Plans: If you notice that the person you're seeing cancels at the last minute or is reluctant to make plans altogether, this could indicate that they're ambivalent about the relationship and, possibly, they're planning to ghost you.  

How to Cope With Ghosting

Unfortunately, ghosting is common among people who don't know how to express themselves when they want to end a relationship and, as mentioned earlier, technology has made it easier for emotionally avoidant people to use ghosting as their exit strategy.  

Being ghosted can create confusion, self doubt and feelings of rejection, sadness and anger. It's also frustrating when you don't know what happened and the person who ghosted you is unresponsive when you try to contact them.

Being ghosted can also make you feel reluctant to date again because you fear it will happen to you again. 

Seek Emotional Support From Trusted Loved Ones: 

Talk to trusted loved ones and get emotional support. 

Close friends and family can help to validate your feelings and remind you how much they care about you.  

Emotional Support From Friends

Write in a Journal: 

Since ghosting can be so confusing, especially if you didn't see any warning signs, writing in a journal can help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings. 

It can also help you to release your hurt, anger and frustration.

Writing in a Journal

Get Help in Therapy:

It's not unusual for an experience of ghosting to trigger unresolved trauma related to feeling rejected and abandoned.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to work through these feelings in a way you often can't on your own.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can overcome emotional pain, release unresolved trauma, and move on with your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Personal Issues

In my prior two articles, I discussed sexual shame and guilt from an interpersonal perspective and from a cultural perspective.

Sexual Shame and Guilt

See my prior articles: 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues

In the current article, I'm looking at how personal issues can affect sexual guilt and shame.

There's a lot of overlap with personal, interpersonal and cultural issues.  

If you haven't read the prior two articles, I recommend that you read them first before reading this one because those articles have more detailed descriptions about many of the problems outlined below.

Sexual Shame and Guilt

As a recap from my prior articles: The difference between sexual shame and guilt is:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are as a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is a worry about being rejected for your sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior. 

Personal Issues Related to Sexual Shame and Guilt Include (but are not limited to):

• Problems with body image (feeling too fat, too thin, breast size too small, penis too small, etc.)
• Discomfortable with undressing in front of a partner
• Insecurity with being a sexual person
• Lacking sexual self esteem
  
• Chronic stress related to sex
• Sexual anxiety
  
• Depression before, during or after sex
• Negative self talk about sex
• Harsh self judgment about sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior
• Fear of having sex
• Lacking sexual self awareness
  
• Inability to identify what is sexually pleasurable to you
• Arousal or orgasmic difficulties (assuming sexual activities are unrelated to a sexually inattentive partner)
• Isolation
• Problematic or compulsive sexual behavior
  
• Substance misuse or abuse
• Severe discomfort with sexual topics
• Difficulty talking about sex with a partner, medical professional or sex therapist
• Avoiding sex
• Limited or no sexual experience as an adult
• Worrying about smells or taste related to sex even though you and/or your partner are clean
• Avoiding masturbation
• Feeling ashamed and guilty about masturbation
• Discomfort with your own sexual fantasies or repressing your fantasies
• Discomfort initiating sex with a partner
• Feeling guilty after having sex with a partner
• Engaging in "duty sex" with a partner out of a sense of obligation
• Approaching sex with a partner as if it is a "chore"
• Fear of expanding your sexual repertoire to try to new sexual activities
• Believing sexual pleasure is only for heterosexual men and not for heterosexual women
• Repressing LGBTQ sexual orientation or gender issues
• Inability to set boundaries with others because you don't know your own sexual boundaries
• Experiencing physical discomfort during sex
• Severe body tension during sex
• Pain during sexual intercourse, including dyspareunia, vaginismus, phimosis (uncircumcised man's foreskin gets stuck so it cannot be pulled back)
• Fear of telling a partner you're experiencing sexual pain (related to "duty sex")
• Erectile difficulties (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile unpredictability)

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt

The following strategies may be helpful:

• Journal your thoughts about sex

• Get to know your body:

• Look at yourself in the mirror several times a week either without clothes or with minimal clothing, and pick one thing you like about yourself (no matter how insignificant it feels to you).

• If you're wearing clothes when you look at yourself, gradually wear less clothing over time to get comfortable with your naked body.

• Engage in solo pleasure/masturbation

• When negative thoughts about yourself as a sexual being arise, counter them with positive thoughts you genuinely feel

• Educate yourself about sex through reputable sex education podcasts like Sex and Psychology with Dr Justin Lehmiller

• Educate yourself about sex by reading books by sex therapists or sex educators, including Come As You Are By Dr Emily Nagoski

• Try to have conversations with your partner (if you're partnered) about sex (start small until you gain confidence)

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Overcoming sexual shame and guilt on your own can be daunting and you might need professional help from a sex therapist.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There are no physical exams, nudity or physical touch during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article:What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can overcome your guilt and shame and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.