Helping the Helpers to Overcome Compassion Fatigue and Burnout

Compassion fatigue and burnout are real challenges in the helping professions, which include psychotherapists, counselors, pastoral counselors, doctors, nurses, physicians assistants, social workers, hospice workers, and other professionals that are part of the healthcare and helping professions (see my articles: Managing Your Stress: What Are the Telltale Signs of Workplace Burnout? and The Consequences of Workplace Burnout).

Helping the Helpers to Overcome Compassion Fatigue and Burnout

Many people in these professions are so devoted to their patients and clients that they put themselves last in terms of getting the emotional support that they need.  They often don't engage in the kinds of self care activities that would help to calm, soothe and help them to feel replenished (see my article:  Self Care: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Even before the current crisis, historically, helping professionals often neglected themselves to serve others.  While this might appear to be noble, these professionals often need more emotional support than most other professionals because they're often containing the anxiety and emotional needs of the people they're helping, and their burnout rate is high.

What is Compassion Fatigue?
Compassion fatigue is emotional and physical exhaustion for those in the helping professions who deal with their patients' problems.  When an individual experiences compassion fatigue, they often withdraw emotionally from their patients because they're too exhausted to continue.

What Are the Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue?
Helping professionals often don't recognize the signs of their own compassion fatigue or burnout because they're so busy taking care of their patients.

The following is a list of symptoms for compassion fatigue:

• Emotional exhaustion
• Physical exhaustion
• Insomnia 
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Apathy
• Depersonalization: A state in which one's thoughts and emotions feel unreal
• Feelings of shame and self contempt
• Feelings that they're being treated unfairly
• Poor job satisfaction
• Chronic aches and pains, including headache, backache and muscle tension

Fictional Clincial Vignette: Helping the Helpers With Compassion Fatigue and Burnout
The following fictional vignette illustrates some of the typical problems experienced by helping professionals with compassion fatigue and burn.  It also addresses how psychotherapy, including online therapy, can help:

Nan
From the time Nan woke up in the morning until the time she went to bed, she was on the go.

When she woke up in the morning, she had about 10 minutes to herself before she got her children off to school, made her husband, Tom, breakfast, and sat down to a quick cup of black coffee before she headed off to the hospital where she was a nurse.

By lunchtime, she was starving, but there was so much to do that she often didn't take a lunch.  During the time that would have been her lunch hour, Nan spent time doing what she loved best--talking to the patients and their families. This was the part of her job that she derived the most satisfaction from, and she knew that the only way she could engage with patients and their families was to talk to them on her lunch hour because there was no time during the rest of the day.

Later on in the afternoon, she would grab an energy bar or a muffin rather than sitting down to lunch.  Some of her colleagues who had been there longer warned her that she was going to burnout if she tried to keep up this fast pace without taking a break, but she ignored them.  She thought of herself as being much more devoted to her profession than these other nurses who took lunch and their 15 minute breaks.

She often got home late.  Her husband would help the children with their homework because he got home first.  He also cooked their dinner and often sat down alone to eat his dinner because Nan often worked overtime.

By the time she got home, Nan was often too exhausted to eat.  She would take a few bites of her food, and then she was off to bed to wake up early in the morning and start the same routine over again.

On the weekends, Nan and her husband were too busy tending to the children and doing chores to pay much attention to each other.  Her husband often complained that their sex life was practically nonexistent, but Nan was usually too tired to think about sex.  She brushed off her husband's concerns and told him that she had no choice but to continue working the way she had been doing.

Nan had always wanted to be a nurse.  Both her mother and grandmother were nurses.  Nan was proud of them and she wanted to be like them.

Before she started her training, she imagined that she would sit with patients and talk with them as well as administering to their medical needs.  However, once she was in the profession, she quickly realized that her job was so fast paced and demanding that she had no time to chat with patients.  She was under so much stress that, even though she was a diligent nurse, she often feared that she would give the wrong medication to a patient because she was often frantically busy on the hospital floor.

When Nan was in her fifth year of nursing, her health began to break down.  She was having backaches, not only from lifting patients but from holding onto stress and not practicing any stress management techniques.

She was also getting debilitating headaches, and her husband urged her to take a day off to rest and recuperate from her busy schedule. But Nan knew her hospital was understaffed with nurses, and she didn't want to let down her patients or colleagues.

By her sixth year, Nan was showing physical and emotional signs of compassion fatigue and burnout.  Although she used to love her job, now she was often irritable and snappy with her patients and colleagues.  One day, she even snapped at her supervisor, who brought Nan into her office and recommended that Nan take time off because she feared that Nan was burning out.

Although Nan knew that she was physically and emotionally exhausted, she didn't want to take time off.  She felt there was just too much to do, so she apologized to her supervisor and went back to work.  But when she snapped at a patient's mother, the mother complained to the administration and Nan was given a verbal warning by her supervisor that if this or anything else like it occurred again, Nan would be written up, and if it continued to occur, she would be brought up on disciplinary charges.

Nan was upset with herself.  She knew better than to get into a verbal altercation with a patient's family member, but she was so tired that she didn't have the patience to speak calmly to this demanding relative.

When she got home that night, she was confronted by Tom, who told her that he wanted to talk to her after the children went to bed.  She told him that she was too exhausted to talk or to even eat, she had a very stressful day, and she was going to bed.  But Tom was adamant that they had to talk, so she took a nap for an hour and then got up after the children were in bed.

Since Nan had chronic insomnia by now, her hourlong nap did little to alleviate her exhaustion.  She felt resentful that her husband was insisting that they had to talk.  She wished he would just allow her to sleep and they could find time to talk in the morning.  But Nan also knew that there would be nothing different about the morning--she wouldn't have time to talk because she would be rushing around the house and, at the same time, trying to get ready to go to work.

So, wearily, she sat next to her husband on the couch and waited for him to begin talking. As she looked at him, she noticed his face looked strained.  Then, he looked like he was about to cry and  she got anxious, "Oh God.  What's wrong? Are you alright?"

"Nan," he began talking slowly, "I don't think I can take much more of this. We haven't been intimate in months.  We barely have time to talk. I don't want to leave you and the kids, but I'm so unhappy. Something needs to change."

Nan was shocked.  She felt her stomach lurch and the pain in her back intensified.  For a few seconds, she didn't know what to say, so Tom continued, "I want you to take time off.  You have so much sick and vacation time.  Let's plan a vacation just for the two of us.  We haven't gone away in years.  We'll leave the kids with my mother.  What do you say?"

Nan's first inclination was to say she didn't have time, but she knew now that Tom was seriously unhappy, and she didn't want him to leave.  After a few more seconds, she put her head back and closed her eyes.  Then, she could feel the tears coming and she couldn't hold back any more.

A few minutes later, Nan agreed that she couldn't keep up the pace and she knew she needed to take a break.  She knew her supervisor would be thrilled if she took time off from work, so she told Tom that he should pick out a destination and she would go.

Two weeks later, Nan and Tom were in Puerto Rico.  Although, initially, Nan felt uncomfortable and restless, by the third day, she was feeling more relaxed than she had felt in years and enoying her time off with Tom.  They rekindled their love life and enjoyed each other's company for the first time in a long time.  They also made a commitment to each other to go on vacation at least once a year.

By the time Nan got back, the first cases of COVID-19 began to pop up in New York City. Within a short period of time, she and her colleagues were inundated with Coronavirus cases, and Nan felt like she had never gone on vacation.

She felt herself becoming irritable and snappy again, and her supervisor saw the warning signs.  She recommended that Nan seek help through online therapy to deal with her emotional and physical exhaustion.  She also insisted, despite the shortages of nurses, that Nan stop working so many extra hours of overtime.

At first, Nan resisted the idea of online therapy because neither she nor anyone in her family had ever been to therapy before, and she resented being told to go.  But she also knew that both her marriage and her job were on the line, so she made an appointment for once a week online therapy, and after a couple of weeks, she was glad that she did.

Not only did she feel less physical and emotional strain, but she felt she was coping much better than most of her colleagues. She could feel that her therapist understood her and cared about her.  Her online therapist scheduled an appointment that was convenient for her and she could talk to the therapist from the privacy of her bedroom while Tom kept the children entertained.

Nan noticed that she was no longer having backaches and headaches.  She also learned to switch her attention to her husband and children once she got home rather than ruminating about work like she usually did.

Her therapist helped Nan to develop a self care routine, which Nan never had before.  She also taught Nan meditation and breathing techniques that she could use on her own (see my articles: Breathwork to Cope With Stress: The Square Breathing Technique and Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat).

Even though Nan was going through a stressful time at the hospital, she no longer felt burnt out.  In the evenings and weekends, she took time for herself first before she spent time with her husband and children, and this made her time with her husband and children more enjoyable.

Throughout the crisis, Nan continued to attend her online therapy sessions, and both she and her therapist agreed that once the crisis was over, she would make time to come into her therapist's office to do in-person therapy.  Her only regret was that she hadn't started online therapy earlier.

Conclusion
Compassion fatigue and burnout are real problems among helping professionals.

Often other people, like a supervisor or spouse, notice the problems first because the helping professional is usually dedicated and immersed in work.

Online therapy sessions are an alternative for helping professionals who are working long shifts and doing stressful work.  They are both convenient and an effective way to provide mental health services to busy professionals.

Getting Help in Therapy
Anyone can experience stress, burnout or compassion fatigue, including caregivers to children and elderly relatives (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers).

If you feel emotionally overwhelmed, contact a licensed psychotherapist who is providing telementalhealth services, rather than getting physically and emotionally exhausted.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples and provide online therapy sessions during the COVID-19 crisis.

I provide Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Remembering Your Strengths as a Way to Cope With a Crisis

In a prior article, Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis, I discussed the grief and loss that most people are feeling during this  COVID-19 crisis.  To an extent, one of the losses that some people feel is a certain erosion of a sense of self confidence (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).  Remembering your strengths during a time of crisis can help you to get through the current crisis (see my article: A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy).

Online Therapy: Remembering Your Strengths as a Way to Cope With a Crisis

Remembering Your Strengths That Helped You During Prior Crises
Remembering your strengths is an inner way of knowing yourself and believing in your own self efficacy.  Sometimes, this sense of self comes to you with memories of your thoughts, feelings and behavior during a prior crisis.

As an example, during the last few days, I've been remembering the survivor instinct I felt during the 9/11 World Trade Center attack.  My daytime office was on Rector Street off of West Street in Downtown Manhattan, just two blocks from where the South Tower stood.

I remember that I was in early that morning and there were only a few colleagues there when we felt our building suddenly sway as the lights went off and back on. It felt like something big hit our building, and we were all confused at first about what had just happened.

I had a radio in my office and turned it onto the news as a colleague stood in my office and we both listened. We heard that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. My first thought wasn't that this was a terrorist attack.  I had no frame of reference for that.  I actually thought that the pilot of the plane must have been sick or impaired in some way and lost control of the plane.  We had no details at that point, so I was picturing a small plane--not a jumbo jet.

Then, I remember that we saw many pieces of paper that were torn and burnt floating in the air outside our windows, and it all felt very strange and surreal.  Soon after that, we heard the sirens of the fire engines and police cars.

Even though this was 19 years ago, the part of the memory that is most vivid for me is after we found out that the World Trade Center had been attacked and, after the second plane attacked the World rade Center, we were advised by our managers that the mayor said we should evacuate the building and walk north away from Downtown Manhattan.

I remember walking with two colleagues from our building and momentarily standing on the corner of Rector and West and looking at the South Tower. There was a jagged line of fire on the upper floors of the tower.  There were also many people around us who were standing there watching in disbelief.  But my immediate thought was, "We need to get out of here.  That building could fall."

I wasn't thinking the building would collapse in a pancake way, as it did.  I was actually thinking the top of building with the jagged line of fire could fall off and tumble down onto the street on top of us.
At the time, from our perspective, it looked like a real possibility.

Even though I was just as curious, if not more curious, as everyone else who was standing there looking at the South Tower, I had an overriding sense that we had to save ourselves in that moment and we should continue to walk north.

In times of crisis and during traumatic events, there can be a narrowing of the senses to deal with the immediate moment and one's own self preservation.  Many people have described this narrowing of the senses, especially a narrowing of vision, as if they had blinders on, that keeps them focused on what they need to do next.  And the usefulness of this survival strategy is obvious--it keeps you focused on what's most important: Staying alive.

It's difficult to describe what that narrowing of focus feels like if you haven't experienced it before.  The way that I experienced it was that any other extraneous thoughts and feelings fell far away, as if my colleagues and I were single-mindedly on a mission to walk north.

We eventually walked to the South Street Seaport. Fom there, after the collapse of the first tower, which shook the seaport, when it was safe to keep going, we headed to a colleague's husband's office, which was a media company.  It was there that we saw vivid images on giant screens on the wall of what had actually happened earlier that day.

Until then, we had little information.  We had heard that there might have been another plane with terrorists who were about to attack. So, we were confronted with this tragic news and had to figure out our next steps: Could we make it home safely? If there was another plane about to attack, was it safe enough to walk over the bridge or to take one the subway trains that were still running?

When I think about my own sense of self during that time, even though I was afraid and confused about what was happening, I had this inner sense that I had to stay focused and that I was going to survive.  That's the best way I could describe it.  I don't know where it came from, but it felt like a very deep and determined part of myself that emerged during this crisis. And, of course, my inner sense of knowing was right--I did survive.

Our work group was displaced for several weeks in a cramped conference room that belonged to another company.  Even though the conference room was cramped, we each worked at gathering information so that, as clinical social workers, we could provide important information to our clients, like: how to stay calm in a crisis, different ways to engage in self care or how to talk to children about the World Trade Center attack.  Soon after that, we were each conducting groups for employees all over New York City.

Even though I had my own concerns, I remember feeling like I was on a mission and staying focused on what needed to be done.  It felt good to be useful and provide some comfort to others.  While I was doing this, for the most part, I forgot about my own concerns and focused on our clients. Of course, there was plenty of time at night when things were quiet for my own concerns to emerge.  But while I was helping others and feeling useful, I was focused on what I needed to do.

When you think back to prior times when you went through a crisis, even if you were confused and frightened or you wish you had behaved differently, you can now look back and put your thoughts, emotions and behavior in perspective: The prior crisis had a beginning, a middle and an end, and you can now look back on it and realize that you survived.

Remembering that you survived and that the experience is in the past is an important part of the memory, especially during the current crisis where time can feel distorted. For instance, many people have said that the week or so that just passed feels more like a month or more.

I suspect that this distortion in time and space is occurring because the mind is still trying to rap itself around the magnitude of the worldwide effect of COVID-19.  Also, even though experts are making projections, we don't know when it will end.  We just know that it will end one day and we will look back on our experiences one day as a memory.

People With a History of Trauma Often Forget Their Inner Strengths
Many people who have a history of trauma, especially complex trauma where the trauma occurred early and on an ongoing basis, can lose their perspective even after the trauma is over (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

The trauma was so profound for them that when they have a new traumatic experience, the old trauma gets triggered and it becomes difficult to distinguish feelings from the past from feelings in the present.

As a trauma therapist, when I work with a client who has developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred over time in childhood, aside from helping clients to process the past, present and their fears about the future, I help them to distinguish "then" from "now" (see my article: Working Through Psychological Trauma: Learning to Separate "Now" From "Then").

These individuals often lose their perspective of the present and have a hard time sorting out past and current feelings.  If it becomes overwhelming for them, I help them to distinguish "now" from "then."

So for instance, I might ask them how they're different now as compared to back in their childhood when they experienced the trauma.  Or, if they're stuck, I'll help them by reminding them that, as children they were powerless to stop the trauma, but I remind them that now, as adults, they now have inner resources and capabilities that they didn't have back then, and I'll list these skills and capabilities if they're unable to do so themselves.

I'll remind them that, as compared to back then when they were children, now, as adults, they can defend themselves or choose to walk away from situations that are hurtful and harmful to them.

Of course, on some level, these are things that they know logically when they're feeling less anxious, but they might not feel it on an emotional level when anxiety overtakes them.  When they're upset, people who are traumatized sometimes forget that they're not powerless any more like they were as children.

When they're reminded that what happened to them was in the past and that they're much more powerful and capable now, they get a sense of relief and feel more empowered.  Then, I work with them to strengthen these feelings of being empowered.

For some people, especially people who come to therapy for a trauma that involved a single incident, like an incident of getting robbed or attacked, trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, can help resolve the trauma relatively quickly (approximately, 10-12 sessions or so).  These are cases where there are no underlying developmental trauma that gets triggered.

This type of single incident trauma is often referred to as shock trauma, and it's less complex than trauma that occurred over a period of time in childhood, known as developmental trauma (see my article: The Difference Between Shock Trauma and Developmental Trauma).

However, the majority of clients who come to therapy have developmental trauma or they have shock trauma with underlying developmental trauma as part of their history, which is more complicated.

The reason why most clients who come to therapy have developmental trauma, as opposed to single incident, might be because single-events of trauma (or shock trauma) can sometimes resolve itself without a clinical intervention.

For instance, if people who are in a car accident are often initially afraid to drive to the area where the accident occurred.  However, many people are eventually able to get back in their car and drive each day passed that spot, even though they're anxious.

If they can do that, they're learning to desensitize themselves to their traumatic experience.  So, even though their initial reaction is one of fear, over time, they overcome their fear through repeated experiences of going to that spot and and having the experience of "I'm okay now."

Developmental trauma rarely if ever resolves on its own.  To resolve this type of trauma, someone needs to work through these experiences with a trauma therapist who uses specific types of trauma therapy that have been proven to be effective.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, helps to resolve developmental trauma.  Even though the length of time is longer than it would be for shock trauma, the good news is that, generally speaking, EMDR (or any experiential therapy) is shorter and more effective than regular talk therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Getting Help in Therapy
Remembering your strengths to cope with a current crisis can be challenging when the crisis is as unprecendented as the current COVID-19 crisis.

Healing usually occurs on a dyadic level, which means on a one-on-one level with an experienced clinician, rather than by yourself.  So, if you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Many psychotherapists, like me, are conducting therapy sessions online to make sessions accessible to clients.

Rather than suffering on your own, if you feel overwhelmed, get help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to get through this difficult time.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

For couples work, I use Emotionally Focused Therapy, a well-researched and effective form of couples therapy.

I'm currently providing confidential online therapy sessions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We're Physically Disconnected

Health experts have stressed the importance of remaining physically distant from each other by at least 6 feet during the COVID-19 crisis, but this doesn't mean that we can't find ways to be socially connected in other ways.  In fact, due to our need for meaningful connections with others, our overall health and psychological well-being depend on us being able to form these connections with our loved ones.  As part of my effort to undoing aloneness with my clients, I'm doing online therapy sessions (see my article: Emotional Support During the COVID-19 Crisis).

Online Therapy Sessions: Undoing Aloneness During the COVID-19 Crisis 

Expriential Therapy vs. Traditional Psychotherapy

AEDP, which was developed by Diana Fosha, Ph.D., stands for Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy, emphasizes the importance of "undoing aloneness" as part of healing trauma.

As a trauma therapist, I know that psychological trauma isn't just about a traumatic event or series of events that occurred.

What often makes traumatic events harmful is that the individual who experienced the trauma often went through it alone (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection). 

In AEDP, the experience of going through a traumatic event feeling emotionally alone is often referred to as "unbearable aloneness." This doesn't mean that there weren't other people around at the time.

There might have been family members or other loved ones around during traumatic events, but the person who experienced the trauma often felt alone, misunderstood, emotionally invalidated or "invisible" to others (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated)

So, as an experiential therapist who uses AEDP, EMDR therapy, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, I strive to be a supportive and an interactive presence with my clients so they feel that I'm resonating with them in their therapy sessions in a meaningful way (see my article: Experietial Therapy: Why Having Insight and an Understanding of Your Problems Isn't Enough).

The old tradtional way of working with clients where therapists were expected to be "abstinent and neutral" in their engagement with clients doesn't work.  This is especially true for clients who have experienced traumatic events.

Since they usually went through their traumatic experiences feeling alone, unheard and unseen, it's crucial that they don't experience a replication of these experiences in their therapy.

Experiential therapy tends to be a "bottom up" therapy vs. traditional talk therapy, which tends to be a "top down" therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy: What's the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Therapy?) 

Experiential therapists not only convey a positive regard for clients--they also try to resonate with clients and let the clients know that they're there for them in ways that clients have a "felt sense" of in their sessions.  In other words, clients, who have experiential therapists, usually feel their therapist's caring and positive feelings towards them.

For many clients, who experienced more traditional forms of therapy, this might be a new experience.  However, most of them find it a welcome experience where they no longer feel isolated in their emotional pain.

As I mentioned earlier, since in-person therapy sessions aren't possible during the COVID-19 crisis, I am now providing online therapy sessions on Zoom on a confidential platform.  Athough we cannot be in the same room together, we can still feel connected with each other online, and many clients have expressed that they're surprised at just how connected they feel in their online sessions.

What Can You Do to Achieve Physical Isolation and Social Connection?

Being physically distant from your loved ones can be very challenging, especially if you live alone.

I prefer the term "physical isolation" rather than "social isolation."  I find the term "social isolation" to be somewhat of a misnomer in terms of what's possible during this time.

Whether you connect via online services like Zoom, Skype, Facetime or other online platforms, being able to see and connect with your friends and loved ones can make all the difference in undoing your feelings of aloneness.

Some people are organizing book club meetings, comedy groups, improv groups, storytelling events or other social events online to create a feeling of community and a feelng of connectedness, which is so important now.

If you don't have access to online services, phone calls are the next best thing.  Last night I received a call from a relative that I haven't spoken with in a while.  As soon as I heard her voice, I felt myself transported back to our times together when we were children.  And, despite the current crisis, we were able to talk and laugh about some our memories together.

Just knowing that she was thinking about me and cared enough to call really made me feel loved and cared about in a special way, especially since we share a family history that goes back to when we were children.  This is a special relationship, and I was glad to hear that she and the rest of the family there are all doing well.

I've also maintained contact by phone and online services with friends and colleagues and this has made a difference in undoing the aloneness of this time.

Getting Help in Therapy

During this crisis, as I mentioned, I'm providing online sessions through Zoom.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, rather than trying to get through it by yourself, you can contact a licensed psychotherapist who is providing online services.

Your overall health and psychological well-being can be negatively affected during this time, so reach out for help from a licensed mental health practitioner sooner rather than later.  You'll be glad that you did.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: 

I work with individual adults and couples (EFT couple therapy).

I'm currently providing online sessions during the current COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis

Much has been written about coping, staying calm, lifting one's spirits, performing acts of kindness, and getting emotional support during the current crisis, including articles that I've written for this blog (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis, Coping With Loneliness and Isolation, Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During a Crisis, The Powerful Impact of Kindness and The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During Difficult Times).  However, when you're ready, there's also a need to grieve the losses involved with the current pandemic in order to heal.

Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis

There is no one way, right way, or right time to grieve.  Each person's grieving process is different, so don't judge yourself or anyone else if you're not ready to grieve yet.  It's still early days in the current crisis.

Many people need to focus on lifting their spirits at this point in time because if they allow themselves to grieve, it's too overwhelming for them.  So, you need to know yourself and your particular needs at any given and act accordingly.

Grieving the Losses Related to the Current Crisis
People normally think of grieving as feeling a deep sorrow for the death of a loved one, including pets.  But, aside from death, we can also feel grief for other losses.

Grief For Losses
The following is a list of losses that many people experience at one time or another, which are unrelated to the death of a loved one:

• Loss of one's usual sense of self
• Loss of a sense of security
• Loss of social contact due to physical isolation
• Loss of a job 
• Breakup of a relationship
• Loss of a friendship
• Rupture or problems in a relationship with a loved one that threaten the relationship
• Empty nest syndrome (see my article: Coping With the Empty Nest Syndrome)
• Loss of income
• Change in a daily or weekly routine 
• End of college and loss of place and the relationships formed in college
• Termination process in therapy/end of therapy sessions
• Loss of freedom
• Loss of autonomy
• Health problem that changes your life
• Loss of a body part
• Loss of activities or events that bring pleasure (e.g., sports and other forms of entertainment)

And so on.

When you look at the items on the list, many of them might apply to your situation during this current health crisis.

A Loss of a Sense of Self
The loss of your sense of self often involves the way you see yourself. You might see yourself as having multiple identities (e.g., a mother, a sister, an executive, etc) and some identities might be stronger for you than others.

For instance, if your sense of self is tied to your job and you can no longer work, this is a loss of a sense of self.  Or, if you identify yourself as someone who is always "productive," but now you have little or nothing to do that brings you satisfaction, this is also a loss of your sense of self (more about this in a future article).

A Loss of a Sense of Security
The loss of a sense of security is similar to how many people in the US, especially New York City, felt after 9/11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.  Due to the unprecedented nature of the current crisis, most people wouldn't have expected this type of crisis, which threatens our health and sense of security.

A Loss of Income
Many people are having either a temporary or permanent loss in income if their place of business is closed.  Many people's daily or weekly routines have been upended, and activities or events that would normally bring pleasure, like live sports events, movies or concerts, are no longer available to them.

Loss of Social Contact Due to Physical Isolation
People who stay home and cannot see loved ones or colleagues are experiencing a social loss.  These are relationships that people often depend on for pleasure and support.  Adult children are also worried about their older parents or grandparents whom they cannot see in person.  This can result in loneliness for everyone involved.

Loss of Freedom
Other people organize their schedule around going to the gym, which brings enjoyment and stress management as well as social relationships with other staff or gym members.  In addition, in most states, people are being told to stay inside, except to go to the food store, pharmacy or bank, so there has been, of necessity, a loss of freedom.

The Damage Related to Ignoring Emotions Related to Your Losses
Eventually, these losses need to be acknowledged and grieved in order for people to move on and heal.  When losses aren't grieved, the losses can develop into complicated losses or lingering losses that are ignored on a conscious level but continue to affect people on an unconscious level.

If you ignore your emotions related to your losses indefinitely, you might experience your losses on a physical level.

You might get headaches, backaches, insomnia, and so on because, even though you're able to keep the thoughts and feelings from bothering you on a conscous level, on an unconscious level, due to the connection between the mind and the body, your body might register these losses in a painful way.

You might not even make the connection between what you're experiencing physically and your unresolved grief.

The Five Stages of Grief
As you might already know, there are five stages of grief.  To discuss them as stages can be somewhat misleading because these stages don't usually occur as a linear process.  You don't necessarily go through the stages in a particular order and you'll probably revisit certain stages more than once or the stages might overlap.

The five stages of grief include:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance 

Current Losses Can Trigger Emotions About Prior Losses
It's not unusual for current losses to trigger emotions about earlier losses, especially if those losses haven't been worked through and remain unresolved.

Recognize that if you're having an unusually intense reaction to your current losses, you might be experiencing the stirring up and triggering of these other unresolved losses.

Most therapists who practice experiential therapy usually check for memories of earlier losses that might be feeding into your current emotions.

In clinical hypnosis, this type of checking back is called an Affect Bridge.

In EMDR therapy, much of which was derived from clinical hypnosis, the checking back is called a Float Back.

Future Articles About Grieving Losses to Heal During the Current Crisis
In future articles, I'll elaborate on the issues raised in this article and discuss how these stages might relate to the losses involved in the current health crisis and how to grieve for these losses when you're ready.

In the meantime, even if you're not ready to grieve, recognize that part of what you're feeling with regard to these losses is grief, and what you're feeling is a common response to loss.

Getting Help in Therapy
Grieving for your losses can be difficult to do on your own.

Rather than ignoring your grief, you can work with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to work through these issues so you can heal in a shorter period of time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP , Somatic Experiencing therapist and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples  (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

During the current crisis, I'm providing phone and online video sessions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis

We all need emotional support at some point in our lives.  This is especially true during a crisis when fear and anxiety can be overwhelming. So, it's important to seek emotional support to help you get through a crisis (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis, Coping with Loneliness and Isolation, The Powerful Impact of Kindness and Self Compassion: Loving Yourself--Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis

Feelings of Shame and Embarrassment Can Create an Obstacle to Asking for Emotional Support
Too often people think that they're "supposed to" manage their own fear and anxiety on their own, and they feel ashamed to ask for help (see my article: Fear and Shame Can Be an Obstacle to Asking For Help and Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

This is especially true for individuals who lived through traumatic chilhood events where they had no emotional support.  Miraculously, most of them learned as children how to fend for themselves as best as they could--but at a serious cost to their psychological well-being.

In many cases, not only were these individuals unable to get the nurturance that they needed, but they were often involved in a role reversal where they were expected to be the emotional support for their parents (see my articles: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Being able to overcome your shame and discomfort of asking for emotional support can be challenging.  People who are afraid to ask for support anticipate being criticized and rejected for their emotional needs because they were often shamed by the adults in their life for needing love and support when they were younger. (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help).

These children often grow up to be adults who feel that they're a burden if they ask for help.  So, they try to go it alone, which only exacerbates their fear, anxiety and loneliness (see my article: Adults Who Experienced Trauma in Childhood: Living in the Present As If It Was the Past).

We Are Hardwired For Attachment and Emotional Connection 
The truth is that we are all hardwired for attachment and emotional connection from birth.  It is one of the most basic needs mammals have.

In fact, infants who are only fed and changed without nurturing and touch either don't survive or, even if they survive physically, their brain development is compromised. They need nurturing and mirroring from their primary caregiver for brain development, especially the right side of the brain, which develops first and is primarily where emotional development occurs (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adults Later On).

So, in addition to understanding that feeling loved and cared about is a basic need to survive and thrive, we also know that this need doesn't end when you become an adult.  We continue to need nurturance and emotional support our whole life.

Psychotherapists Develop Their Own Emotional Support Groups
People who provide emotional support to others, like psychotherapists, also need their own emotional support system because we are the "containers" for other people's fear, anxiety and grief, so it's important for us to have emotional support.

I'm fortunate to be in a group of peer clinicians who have been meeting for about 16 years.

Originally, the purpose of the group was to share information, including methods and tools learned in conferences and workshops, about mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which is also known as experiential psychotherapy (see my articles: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection).

Over time, as we got to know each other better, we also became a source of support for each other in doing clinical work with clients and in times of crisis.  And, eventually, in addition to being a peer support group, we became good friends.

Since the latest crisis developed, we are in regular contact with one another, even though some of the group members have moved out of New York City.  We have been meeting on online video platforms and talking over the phone about once or twice a week to sustain ourselves through this difficult time.  I can tell you that it has made a tremendous difference for me.

When I was in graduate school and even in my four year fellowship/postgraduate training, I don't remember any of my instructors talking about the importance of having a support system outside the clinical setting. That was more than 20 years ago, and I hope that graduate and postgraduate programs are now encouraging therapists-in-training to develop emotional support systems.

Of course, we had supervisors, advisors, mentors and our own required three-time-a week psychoanalysis as part of postgraduate training.  They were tremendously helpful, but I quickly realized back then that I would need a peer group as well, especially during the first couple of years of the fellowship.  That period of time was particularly stressful because most of us felt we were having a "fish bowl" experience in our training where we were being observed as therapist- in-training.

I was fortunate that there were three other clinicians who felt the same way, and we had a lot in common other than our training.  So, we would often meet for coffee or brunch for mutual support and also just to have fun.

Any therapist who tries to go it alone, especially a therapist in a solo practice, usually burns out pretty quickly doing this work.  So, I always recommend to new therapists in the field to develop a support network.

Resources For Emotional Support
I realized that not everyone is fortunate enough to have close friends or nurturing family members to call upon in a crisis, so I'm providing the following resources for anyone who might need them:

• National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
• Disaster Stress Hotline:  1-800-985-5990
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-NAMI (6264): Available Monday-Friday between 10 AM-6 PM EST

If you're feeling suicidal and you are in imminent danger of hurting yourself, call 911 immediately.

Getting Help in Therapy
You're not alone.  If you feel overwhelmed, you can seek help in individual therapy.

During this time when we are urged to stay home, many psychotherapists are doing phone and online video sessions.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference in getting through times of crisis and beyond.

Rather than trying to go it alone, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you develop the skills and tools that you need to stay calm and cope.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP , Somatic Experiencing therapist and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples  (see my articles: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy and What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).

I works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

I am trained and experienced in trauma therapy.

During the current crisis, I'm providing phone and online video sessions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times

I'll never forget that day.  I hadn't seen my friend, Mary*, in many years and I was feeling awkward and a little uneasy as I waited for her to come to the restaurant where we agreed to meet for lunch in the old neighborhood (see my article: Coping with Loneliness and Social Isolation)..

The Powerful Impact of Kindness

Throughout childhood and adolescence, we had been inseparable. People in our neighborhood would tease us by saying we were the "Bobsey Twins" because wherever you saw one of us, the other was either right there next to her or not far behind.

We often talked about wanting to move out of our neighborhood in Brooklyn, which felt like a small, claustrophobic town in many ways.  But when we graduated high school and I was ready to leave, like a few of my friends who said they would move away the day after graduation, Mary wasn't ready to move away and she remained behind with her family.

We maintained contact for a while, but our lives changed in ways we couldn't have anticipated.  I was busy with a full time job and part time college classes at night.  And Mary met the man who eventually became her husband and she focused on her relationship with him.  I had also made new friends in the women's residence where I was living in the West Village and I was spending more time with them.

Over time, Mary and I gradually lost touch. Whenever she ran into my mother in the old neighborhood, Mary asked about me and wanted to know what was going on in my life, and I was eager for whatever news my mother could provide to me about Mary.  But, for some reason, we didn't pick up the phone anymore to speak to each other directly.

Then, one day, when I was in my early 20s and visiting my mother in her kitchen, she told me that she had some bad news about Mary.  I braced myself for bad news about a health problem or news about problems in Mary's marriage.  But what my mother told me shocked me beyond belief--Mary was incarcerated for stealing money from her employer.

I remember feeling completely stunned, as if time had stopped and I was caught in a moment of suspended animation.  This didn't sound at all like the Mary that I knew. When I could finally speak, all I could stammer was, "Why? How? What happened?"

My mother told me what she knew, which wasn't a lot. She had run into Mary's Aunt Rose in the grocery store and she confided in my mother.  I knew Aunt Rose well, and I could imagine how upset she must have been.  As I was thinking about this, my mother handed me an address where Mary could receive mail, and she told me that Aunt Rose said Mary would like to hear from me.

I looked at that piece of paper with the address for several days feeling helpless and useless. I wasn't sure what I could say to Mary, after so much time had passed, that would make any difference to her.

I composed several drafts of letters and crumpled each one after a few sentences because my words felt so inadequate to the situation.

The letter that I finally sent to Mary was similar to the drafts I had crumpled up, and it felt woefully inadequate.  But I knew she wanted to hear from me, and I didn't want to disappoint her, so I sent it.

Time passed.  I heard nothing from Mary, and whenever I thought about the letter I sent to her, I felt embarrassed and awkward.  I wanted to say just the right words to let her know how sorry I was that we had lost touch and how I was thinking about her, but I felt like I had failed, especially since I didn't hear a word from her in so long.

Then, one day I got a call from Mary after she had been released from prison.  It was a brief call and she sounded just as awkward as I was feeling.  We agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant in the old neighborhood that we used to go to when we were teens.

When Mary arrived, she looked thinner than I remembered her, but when she smiled that unmistakable crooked smile, I felt a little more at ease.  After a few minutes of small talk, she told me why she embezzled the money from her employer.

It started in a small way when she needed money, she explained, and then, because it was so easy, she started taking more and more money.  Little did she know that her employer was capturing her on video, and by the time they confronted her, they had all the evidence they needed to send her to prison. She couldn't afford an attorney, so she accepted the court-appointed attorney and he encouraged her to plead guilty, which led to her incarceration.

All the while that Mary was telling me her story, she was looking away.  Then, she turned to me and told me, "But I want to tell you what really made a difference while I was incarcerated--that letter you sent me.  You helped me to remember that I was much more than my current circumstances and you encouraged me to be hopeful.  And whenever I felt myself feeling hopeless, I reread your letter and I felt better.  I'm sorry I never wrote back but, after all these years, I wanted to let you know and to thank you because your letter kept me going."

As I listened to her words, I was stunned.  At that point, I barely remembered what I wrote, but here she was telling me that the letter I thought was so inadequate and insignificant had actually had a powerful impact on Mary that I never could've anticipated.

She went onto say that she still had the letter, and whenever she felt down, she reread it and it brought back memories of our childhood friendship, all we had meant to each other and a renewed sense of hope.

I wish I could say that Mary and I resumed a close friendship, but that didn't happen.  Although we had a long history together when we were young children and teens, we both had changed a lot and we had little in common anymore, other than our history.  But I was grateful that she told me about the impact that my letter had on her and that she continued to find it a source of hope and inspiration.

In my own life, friends' acts of kindness have meant so much to me.

I remember when my mother died several years ago, I was missing my friend, Alice*, who had moved out of state several months before.  At that point, we had been close friends for over 20 years, and I missed her terribly as I lived through my mother's final days in hospice.

On the morning of my mother's funeral Mass, Alice drove five hours to be with me.  When I saw her outside the church, I hugged her and felt enveloped in her love and friendship.  I had been dreading that day, but now with Alice sitting next to me in the church pew, I felt my grief, although heavy, was bearable.

To this day, whenever I think of my mother's passing, those memories are inextricably linked to being with Alice and feeling loved and supported by her.  I still miss my mother, but whenever I think of her passing, I also remember the warmth of Alice's arm around my shoulders and how she radiated love and compassion on that day.

I also remember that Alice knew my mother at a time when my mother was vibrant and robust, and we still talk about those times and reminsce.  We can still laugh at things my mother used to say and do, and it feels like a healing balm to be able to go back in time and remember those happier times.

The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times
Like me, you might think that a small gesture of kindness feels so inadequate during difficult times.  But, like me, you probably would discover that what you thought was inadequate meant so much to someone going through a difficult time.  It can be the thing that gets them through.

It can feel corny and unsophisticated to talk about random acts of kindness, but I don't think it's corny at all to be able to reach out to someone in kindness. It's not about doing it perfectly or having the exact right words or even making a grand gesture.  It's more about your intention and how it touches the other person.

So during times when you feel yourself struggling about how or what to do or say, don't focus on feelings of awkwardness or inadequacy.  Instead, trust that most people will understand that you're trying to make a difference in their life--however small your act of kindness might be. In all likelihood, they will understand your intention and be touched by it.

I heard recently that suicidality is on the rise as people feel increasingly lonely and isolated.  So, it's more important than ever, in a world where people are often unkind to one another, to try to find ways to extend kindness to people you know and, maybe, even to people you don't know.

Random Acts of Kindness
Random acts of kindness can include:

• Expressing gratitude to a friend or loved one (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse or Partner).
• Calling a friend or family member to check in on how they're doing during a difficult time.  Let them know you're thinking of them by reaching out.
• Telling your local grocery store clerk or stockperson how much you appreciate him or her being there during the COVID-19 health crisis.
• Asking an elderly, sick or disabled neighbor if you can pick up grocery for them.
• Sending a friend or loved one a funny cartoon or words of inspiration.
• Reminding a loved one that the crisis will eventually pass.
• Meditating or praying with a friend on a video chat or phone call.
• Making amends, where it's appropriate to do so, with a loved one.
• Checking in with a loved one who has a history of depression, anxiety or substance abuse to find out how they're doing.
• Helping a friend by reminding them that they have gone through other difficult times and they will get through the current stressful time.
• Helping a friend to find therapy when your friend might be feeling too overwhelmed to do it on his or her own.

We all need to overcome our feelings of awkwardness and embarassment during times of crisis to reach out to others.

Sometimes we're more focused on appearing intelligent and witty, but that's not necessary to have an impact on someone's life.  Even a kind word or expression of gratitude on someone's Facebook page can make a difference when that person realizes that they're in your thoughts.

Like me, you might not find out about the impact of your kindness until many years later or ever.  But opening your heart to someone, even with a small gesture, can make all the difference for that other person.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you or someone you know is feeling overwhelmed, getting help from a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference.

We can all benefit from acts of kindness, but there are times when the clinical expertise of an experienced therapist is also what is needed and can make all the difference.

Psychotherapy can be a life changing process. It can make the difference between allowing despair to become overwhelming and unmanageable and feeling supported and resilient.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

During this time of social distancing, based on licensing laws, I can provide phone sessions and online sessions for adults in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


*Names and all identifying information have been changed to protect the identify of people mentioned in this article.

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During a Crisis

During times of crisis, it's common for people to experience negative emotions (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Negative Emotions, Allowing Yoursel fto Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal and Developing a More Resilient Self in Therapy).

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions Duirng a Crisis

These negative emotions include:

• Anxiety
• Fear
• Panic 
• Sadness
• Depression
• Grief
• Self doubt  
• Anger
• A sense of foreboding about the future
• Confusion
• And other negative emotions

Although it's not pleasant to experience these emotions, acknowledging and accepting these emotions is an important step to working through them and getting to the other side to develop a more resilient self (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

When you resist feeling your negative emotions, these emotions intensify and become stronger.  They also have a way of surfacing in other ways that you might be unaware of, including:

• Headaches
• Muscle aches
• Back problems
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Insomnia
• Diabetes
• Obesity
• Heart problems
• Asthma
• Premature aging
• Other stress-related health problems

How to Cope With Negative Emotions

• Rather than trying to avoid feeling your negative emotions, acknowledge them.  
• Recognize that your emotions aren't facts and that they might be fleeting, especially if you don't try to ignore them.
• Recognize that everyone has negative emotions at some point.  Don't judge yourself for your emotions.  
• Rather than struggling against your negative emotions, accept your emotions as being an experience that you're having at the moment.
• Write down your emotions in a journal so that these emotions don't overwhelm you (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).
• If you find you can't manage your negative emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to work through your feelings (see my article: Therapy Can Help You to Stop Avoiding Negative Emotions).

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions During an Emotional Crisis
The following vignette illustrates the benefit of accepting and acknowledging negative emotions:

Tom
After his wife, Carol, told him that she was unhappy in their marriage and she might want a divorce, Tom tried to persuade Carol to try to work through their issues.  He tried to reason with her that they had invested 10 years into their marriage and their divorce would be devastating for their two young children.

Although he knew they had been having problems, especially when he had to work long hours at his job and Carol felt unsupported at home, Tom assumed that he and Carol would eventually work things out.  But she expressed doubt about working out their issues.

Initially, he was shocked.  He felt like he was living through a nightmare and he would wake up at any moment from this bad dream.

After a week, he felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and sadness.  So, he tried to distract himself by getting more involved in his work.  He spent even more time in his office than usual, which only annoyed Carol even more.

But late at night, he had problems falling asleep.  In the morning, he was exhausted and he developed digestive problems.  He also developed headaches that were so debilitating that he had to stay home from work, which left him a lot of time to think about his marital problems.

When Tom could no longer tolerate his health problems, he saw his medical doctor, who ruled out any physical problems.  He suggested that Tom seek help in therapy to deal with the stress and anxiety related to his problems with Carol.

At first, Tom told his medical doctor that he didn't want to "dwell" on his problems--he wanted to distract himself from them.

But his medical doctor, who was knowledgeable about the mind-body connection, told Tom that he was having all of these physical symptoms precisely because he was trying to avoid feeling them, and the only way for Tom to get a handle on his emotions was to work through them in therapy, "Your mind and your body are connected.  When you try to suppress feeling your emotions, they're going to come out in some other way--including getting you physically sick."

So, somewhat reluctantly, Tom sought help in therapy.  Even though it was painful to talk about his anxiety and sadness about his marriage, he realized that he also felt better after his therapy sessions.

Tom felt a positive connection with his therapist.  He also felt emotionally supported by her so that he no longer felt alone and that he had to carry these feelings by himself.  She suggested that he keep a journal to write down his feelings between therapy sessions, which he found helpful.

Shotly after he began therapy, Tom realized that he worked long hours on his job to avoid Carol and how inadequate he felt as a husband and a father. He also realized that he no longer wanted to distract himself with work.  He preferred to deal with his emotions as they came up and talk to his therapist about them in their sessions.

So, Tom stopped volunteering to do extra projects at work and spent more time at home.  Since he was home more, he spent more time with his children and helping Carol around the house, which she appreciated.  This resulted in their getting along better, and Tom realized that he could be a good husband and father.

Tom realized that Carol was no longer talking to him about the possibility of getting a divorce, so he asked her if she would like to go out for dinner at her favorite restaurant.  To his surprise, she accepted his invitation and they had a good time--something they had not experienced together in several years.

Soon after that, Carol suggested that she take the children to her mother's house for the weekend so she and Tom could spend quiet time together.  It was the first time in a long time that they were sexually intimate and enjoyed being together.

Throughout this period, Tom continued to go to his individual therapy sessions, and he was starting to feel hopeful again.  Whenever anxiety, sadness or self doubt surfaced for him, he followed his therapist's recommendation to acknowledge his feelings, accept them and to recognize that they were just feelings and "feelings aren't facts."

Tom also continued to write in his journal between therapy sessions and felt a sense of relief each time that he poured his feelings out in writing.

At his therapist's suggestion, he spoke to Carol about attending couples therapy to work through issues that still remained, including Carol's concern that Tom's workaholism would become a problem again.  To his surprise, Carol agreed to give it a try.

Tom's therapist recommended an Emotionally Focused Couples therapist to work through their issues, and within a few weeks, they were making progress (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Although Tom regretted that he had wasted so much time trying to avoid his negative emotions, he was also relieved that he had learned to accept them.  He felt himself becoming more resilient to deal with his marital problems as well as other problems that came up in his family.

Attending Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) gave Tom and Carol the necessary tools to work through their problems and, over time, it strengthened their relationship.

During his individual therapy sessions, Tom began to feel much more hopeful that his marriage with Carol would work out.

Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions Duirng a Crisis

Tom's increased sense of hopefulness and resilience created an upward spiral for him as an individual as well as in his relationship with Carol.

Conclusion
Even though this article focused on relationship issues, the strategies recommended in this article can apply to any situation where you feel inundated by negative emotions and you're tempted to try to avoid them (see my article: Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Ups and Downs).

Getting Help in Therapy
We all need help sometimes.

If you're negative emotions are overwhelming you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed therapist, who can help you to develop the necessary tools to deal with your emotions and become more resilient to cope with your problems.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional in your area.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (EFT couples therapy).

During the current health crisis, phone sessions or online therapy sessions are available for clients in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.