Inconsolable Grief for a Mother's Death in an Enmeshed Mother-Daughter Relationship

I've written about enmeshed families in prior blog posts (see link below).  In this blog post, I'd like to address the issue of inconsolable grief for a mother's death in an enmeshed mother-daughter relationship. 

Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death

Enmeshed Mother-Child Relationships
Enmeshed mother-child relationships often hinder emotional development for the children in those relationships.  It's not unusual for these adult children to have difficulty forming adult relationships outside of the family because the relationship with the mother has become all consuming to them and leaves little room for other adult relationships.

In this type of enmeshed relationship, when the mother dies, the adult child often feels inconsolable grief because she is so emotionally dependent upon the mother.

The following fictionalized vignette is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Ina:
Ina was an only child.  Her father had abandoned the family when Ina was an  infant, so she had no memories of him.  Her mother often said to her, "It's you and me against the world."

When it was time for Ina to start school, both she and her mother experienced tremendous separation anxiety.  Every weekday morning was an ordeal.  They would both cry when the school bus came.  Ina's mother would come everyday to bring Ina her lunch and sit with her in the school cafeteria.

Ina's teacher tried to talk to the mother about allowing Ina more time and space to form friendships in the classroom.  She tried to tell her that Ina wasn't forming friendships during recess and the lunch hour because she was so focused on the mother.  But the mother got annoyed and complained to the principal that the teacher was trying to interfere with her relationship with her daughter.  After that, the teacher backed off.

Ina made a few friends in junior high and high school, but she still preferred to spend her free time with her mother.  She had very good grades, but she didn't participate in any social activities in school.

When it was time to apply for college, Ina only wanted to apply to local colleges so she could remain at home.  Her guidance counselor advised her that her grades were so good that she would probably get scholarships to colleges outside their town, but Ina wasn't interested.  Her mother also thought it was best for Ina to stay close to home.

Ina had crushes on boys, but she had no interest in dating. When her friends talked about meeting someone and getting married, Ina cringed.  She never wanted to get married.  Her mother had spoken to her about how miserable she felt when Ina's father abandoned them, and Ina couldn't see why her friends would want to risk getting hurt like this.

After college, Ina worked as a customer service representative at a local bank.  After work, some of the employees would go out to dinner or to a movie and they would invite Ina to come along.  But Ina preferred to go straight home to have dinner and watch TV with her mother.

As the years past, Ina's manager encouraged her to apply for other jobs at the executive headquarters, but Ina wanted to remain close to home.  She was a good worker and customers liked her.  She received two promotions at the local branch, but her manager told her that she was limiting her career by only considering jobs at the local branch.  Ina explained to him that she was happy doing what she was doing, and she didn't feel the need to apply for jobs outside of their branch.

Over the years, employees that were trainees under Ina excelled beyond her because they sought opportunities at the executive branch.  Ina remained in her job as a senior customer service representative, but this didn't bother her.

When Ina was in her mid-40s, her mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.  Ina took time off from work to take care of her.  Despite what the oncologist said, Ina had no doubt that her mother would recover.  Even as her mother's health continued to deteriorate, Ina held onto this belief.

When the doctor recommended hospice care, Ina became furious.  She felt he was giving up on her mother, and she told him so.  She held onto her belief that her mother would survive up to the day she died.  Then, she went into shock.

For several weeks, Ina was unable to even get out of bed.  Her aunts took turns taking care of her.  All she wanted to do was sleep.  She felt that living life without her mother was unbearable.  When she was awake, all she did was cry.  She was inconsolable.

After three months, Ina returned to work.  She felt like she was in a daze.  She had lost more than 20 lbs. and she looked pale.  Fortunately, she knew her job so well, after all those years, that she could perform her duties, even though she felt like she was living in a dream.  Whenever anyone tried to express their condolences, she would stop them. She didn't want to talk about it.

When she got home, she didn't know what to do with herself.  Everywhere she looked, she saw reminders of her mother.  She was unable to give away her mother's clothes.  Instead, she would often go into her mother's closet, hold her mother's garments to her face and smell her mother's perfume which was still embedded in the clothes.  Then, she would cry.  Her aunts offered to help Ina give away the clothes, but Ina wouldn't even hear of it.


On the fifth year of the anniversary of her mother's death, Ina's manager found Ina crying at her desk.   He closed the door and talked to Ina about going to therapy.  He confided in Ina that he had attended therapy several years ago when he and his wife ended their marriage, and he found it helpful.

By this time, Ina's grief had grown worse, not better.  She knew she couldn't go on like this, so she decided to start therapy, even though she didn't feel that anyone could ever help her to feel better about her mother's death.  Even the thought of feeling better made Ina feel that she would be disloyal to her mother.

Initially, Ina was defensive in therapy.  She only wanted to talk about her mother and the times they spent together.  She never wanted to talk about any plans for the future.  She couldn't even envision herself making plans for the future that didn't include her mother.  Although she would never hurt herself, there were many times she wished she could just go to sleep and not wake up.

At first, she resisted all recommendations about things she could do to take care of herself so she could feel better.  She didn't want to exercise or go to a yoga class or join a book club.  She didn't want to reach out to the few friends who remained in her life.  She just wanted to keep doing what she was doing, even though she was feeling miserable.

Then, her therapist recommended that they do inner child work using hypnosis.  Ina had never experienced hypnosis before, but she decided to give it a try.  She felt it was better than her therapist's other recommendations.

Much to her surprise, Ina was able to sense the younger part of herself that felt so vulnerable and afraid.  Using hypnosis, she was able to nurture that younger self, and she began to feel some relief from her grief about her mother's death.

After a few months, Ina still felt sad, but it wasn't an inconsolable sadness.  She still missed her mother, but having the ability now to nurture herself emotionally, she felt the sadness was more manageable.  She still visited her mother's grave every week and "talked" to her mother, but she wasn't crying as much as she was before.

After several months, Ina felt like she might be ready, with help, to give away her mother's clothes.  So, her aunts came to help her clean out the mother's closet.  Ina held onto a particular dress that she knew her mother really loved, and she allowed her aunts to give away the other clothes to a charity organization.

At her therapist's recommendation, Ina did her own private ritual to commemorate her mother's life.  She set up a place on her dresser with a picture of her mother, a candle, and her mother's favorite broach.  Then, she said a tearful goodbye to her mother, acknowledging that her mother was gone, but she would always have a place in Ina's heart.

After that, Ina felt somewhat better.  She realized that she would always have her memories of her mother, and she believed her mother was "in a better place."

Gradually, over time, Ina became more social.  She had some regrets that she had remained "stuck" for so long and she would never get that time back.  But she began to take her first tentative steps to make friends and, for the first time in her life, to date men.

Enmeshed Mother-Child Relationships:  Overcoming Inconsolable Grief 
In the vignette above, Ina, who is a fictional character, eventually attends therapy to deal with her inconsolable grief.  But there are many people, who have similar experiences of grief, who never even consider going to therapy. They remain stuck emotionally in their grief for the rest of their lives.  In their senior years, they often have regrets for everything they never experienced in life.

For people going through this experience who are open to therapy, they're often surprised that they can feel better.

Often, what happens is that they experience how they can internalize their mother emotionally in a new way, even though the mother is no longer alive.

Although the mother is no longer alive in the here-and-now, the adult child can feel the mother as alive in his or her own internal world.

This type of work, for people who have been very enmeshed with a parent, isn't quick.  Often, the person who feels grief has mixed feelings about letting go of the sad feelings.  There is an illusion that by holding onto the sadness, they're holding on to their dead parent in some way.

Clinical hypnosis is often helpful when there is inner child work to be done, as in the vignette above.  It helps clients to get to a place on an unconscious level that is usually difficult to get to with regular talk therapy.

They're often surprised to discover that it's quite the opposite.  Letting to of the sadness allows the person who feels grief to make room for a different experience, the internalization of the parent in a healthier way.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've lost a mother or someone close to you and time has passed, but you're not feeling any better, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with this issue.

In most cases, people find a new way to overcome their grief that still honors the relationship with the person who died.  But it also allows the person who is still alive to transition to having a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Avoiding Codependency With Your Children

Overcoming Shame in Enmeshed Families

Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness Related to Early Trauma

Many people who were helpless as children due to childhood trauma continue to feel helpless when they're adults.  As adults, they often continue to feel pessimistic and that they don't have control over their lives.  Frequently, their initial response to suggestions of how they can overcome their problems is "I can't."  

Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness Related to Early Trauma

Part of the work in therapy is helping them overcome their trauma-related sense of helplessness by doing trauma therapy work.  Another important part of the work is helping them to develop an increased awareness that, as adults (as opposed to when they were children), they now actually do have control over their lives and more choices than they're seeing.

A History of Early Childhood Trauma Can Trigger Feelings of Helplessness in Adults
Many people who experienced emotional trauma at an early age, where they really didn't have control over a traumatic situation, grow up with a sense of helplessness in many, if not all, situations in their lives.  Often, this occurs without a person even realizing it because feeling helpless has become a habitual response, and they will often approach problems as if they can only submit passively to what is going on.

Compare the two fictionalized vignettes below of two people in the same situation where one feels helpless and a lack of control and the other feels confident and that he can take steps to overcome his problems:

John
John has a supervisor, Ted, who is a bully.  Ted bullies everyone in the office, including John.  John dreads going to work every morning because he anticipates having to deal with Ted's bullying and demeaning behavior.  

Whenever John's friends suggest that he look for another job, his response is "I can't."  Then, he gives many reasons why he doesn't feel ready to look for another job.  When friends make suggestions about how he can prepare himself  to look for another job, he shrugs his shoulders and says, "I can't."

The worse part is that when Ted treats John in a demeaning manner, John takes this criticism to heart.  Even though John gets a lot of praise for his work from senior managers who are above Ted at the company, one critical remark from Ted will ruin John's day.

John grew up in a household where his father was verbally and physically abusive with John, John's mother and his siblings.  John's father would constantly tell John, "You're nothing and you'll never amount to anything."  When John was a young child, he really had no control over his father's abusive behavior.  And, now, without John realizing it, his early childhood trauma is getting emotionally triggered in his current situation at work.  John is responding to Ted as if Ted is his father and he's a helpless child again.

Larry
Larry also works for Ted.   Ted is also demeaning and bullying with Larry.  But the big difference between John and Larry is that Larry feels he has some control over the situation and that he has choices he can make.

Larry feels confident in himself.  Regardless of what Ted says to him, Larry has a strong sense of self and whatever Ted says to him doesn't change his sense of self confidence.      He knows that Ted's tactics are meant to put him down, but Ted's remarks don't affect the way Larry feels about himself.  Larry's sense of self confidence allows him to remain resilient in this stressful work situation.

Larry knows he has options.  He knows that bullying is against the corporate code of conduct at work, and he can file a complaint with the human resources department.  He also knows that, even though he doesn't have the skills yet to apply for the senior position he would like  to have eventually, he's taking positive steps to improve his skills by taking in-house courses that are offered to all employees on company time.  

While he's in these classes, he's networking and developing important relationships with senior staff to find out about other jobs in the company.  He knows that his current situation with Ted is temporary and, as soon as he is able, Larry plans to leave this department for a better job.

Larry grew up in a nurturing environment where his parents encouraged him to be curious and open to new experiences.  They also instilled a sense of self confidence and encouraged him to pursue his interests.  As he was growing up, they presented him with age-appropriate challenges that gave Larry an opportunity to learn problem solving skills and develop a sense of determination.

How I Would Work With John in Therapy
If John came to therapy because he was feeling anxious and helpless at work and, possibly other areas of his life, I would work with him to develop a greater sense of awareness of how he is responding to his situation and help him, over time, to become more resilient.

No one can change John's history of early childhood trauma. But I could help him work through the trauma using mind-body oriented therapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing, so that he is no longer emotionally triggered in his current situation by his history.  There is no quick fix to John's issues, but I have helped many clients with problems similar to work through their trauma.

Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness Related to Early Trauma

Along the way, I would help John to develop an increased awareness that he is responding to the current situation with the fear that he had when he was a child.  We might do some inner child work to help this younger aspect of himself to feel nurtured in a way that he never felt nurtured when he was growing up.

I would also help John to differentiate between what happened "then" (when he was a child) and what's happening "now" and to see that, if he chooses, he has many more options now than he did then.

Setting manageable goals would also be part of the work in therapy.  And, whenever John felt "stuck"  by a sense of "I can't," we would look at what's really going on for him at that point:  Is there a distortion in the way he's thinking?  Has he slipped back into feeling that he's helpless again, like he was when he was a child?  What else might be going on?

Developing an Awareness of How Early Childhood Trauma Might Be Affecting You Now 
It can be challenging to see when you're responding to situations with a sense of helplessness because   you're being triggered by childhood trauma. It's important to understand and work on the underlying emotional issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have a tendency to feel helpless and unable to get "unstuck" in your current situation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is trained in either EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing to help you work through this issue.

You owe it to yourself to get help to overcome this problem so you can begin to lead a more fulfilling life, unburdened by your childhood history.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Reconceptualizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting" Client

Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times

When you're under a lot of stress, it's easy to forget that you can often find moments of peace. Taking a few moments to yourself to take a deep breath and as you're breathing, letting go of the tension you're feeling inside with each breath that you take, can be such a relief.  

Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times

Remembering to Breathe and Let Go
Breathing out the tension doesn't get rid of the problem, but it can allow you to decompress, if only for a short time.  By decompressing, you'll often discover that you can approach your problem with a clear mind.  You might even think more creatively about your problem and approach the problem in a different way than you might have not have before.

Even if your stress is related to a problem that isn't easily solved, it doesn't do you any good to hold on to a lot of extra tension that makes your body feel tight and creates chaos in your mind.

Letting go can seem like the opposite of what you think you should be doing during stressful times.  You might feel that you have to continue to try to continuously hold on, worry, and mull over the problem in every possible way all of the time.

It's understandable that you might feel this way.  But letting go, even momentarily, doesn't stop you from going back to the problem later and working on it.  You don't have to work on it 24/7.  Often, that's counterproductive.

It's easy to forget the simple things you can do to reduce stress because it can feel futile to try to do things that can "only"  help you momentarily.  You can become so fixated on solving the entire problem that you forget it's important to take breaks to have peaceful moments in the midst of a storm.

Square Breathing to Help You to Relax
In a prior blog post, I recommended a particular technique called Square Breathing (see link below).  Square Breathing is a simple technique.  I've worked with many clients who knew nothing about Square Breathing before I taught them how to do it, but who were able to learn it quickly.  It takes very little time, and it can relax you physically, mentally and emotionally.

Creating an Increasing Sense of Inner Peace
As you create each moment of peace for yourself, you might find that you're better able to cope with whatever stressful situation that you're facing.

You might find that these moments of peace, which you create for yourself, can give you a greater sense inner confidence to deal with the stressful situation.  And, since stress is a normal part of life, developing better ways to cope and a stronger sense of self confidence can be an important gif t that you give yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Relax By Practicing Square Breathing

Are You Living Your Life Feeling Trapped By Your Childhood History?

It's not unusual for adults to live their lives feeling trapped by circumstances they experienced as a child that no longer apply to them as adults, especially if that history involved difficult times or family trauma.  

Feeling Trapped By Your Childhood History

Sometimes, people who have this problem aren't aware that they're reliving their child history.  But even when people are aware of it on a rational level, they might still feel trapped in old circumstances on an emotional level.  It can feel very disturbing to know one thing but to feel another.   And the fear of making a change can be overwhelming.

The following vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality. This case illustrates how someone felt trapped by her family history, a history that no longer applied to her current life, even though she knew rationally that her circumstances had completely changed.  It also illustrates that it's possible to overcome this problem in therapy:

Mary:
Mary grew up in a family where her mother, who was a single parent, struggled financially throughout Mary's childhood.  Her mother worked in a factory, where she was frequently furloughed for periods of time before she was called back in again to work.

Her mother was always worried about money.  Mary was painfully aware that her mother could barely afford the basic necessities.  At a young age, Mary also worried a lot about their circumstances.  She was very careful to turn off lights when she left a room to save on the electric bill and she was always vigilant about not wasting money in other ways.

When Mary was in high school, her mother told her that if she wanted to go to college, she would have to get good grades to get a scholarship because there was no money to pay for college.

Fortunately, Mary was awarded a scholarship to go to college. She also worked two part time jobs.  She was frequently too exhausted to participate in social activities and she was also anxious about spending her money to go out because her money was tight.

Ten years later, Mary had a good job where she was earning a high salary, but she still felt very anxious about money.  She knew, logically, that she had the money for what she called "extras," like going on vacation or treating herself to a massage but, on an emotional level, she continued to feel "poor."

By this time, Mary's mother was married to a man who made a good living, so Mary's mother no longer had financial problems.  She also didn't have to work at the factory any more.  But she still worried about money just as much as she ever did, even though her husband reassured her repeatedly that she didn't need to worry.

Mary worked very hard as a manager, but she wasn't enjoying her personal life.  She had close friends who saw Mary scrimping on things for herself.  Seeing this, they told Mary that she was living her life based on a childhood history that no longer applied to her current life.

Mary agreed with her friends, but she didn't know how to get over her anxiety about spending money.  At times, she wondered, "Am I crazy?  Why do I know one thing, but I feel the complete opposite emotionally?"  She felt deeply ashamed about her problem.

Mary tried to override her anxiety by treating herself occasionally to fine dining with friends because she knew that what she felt on an emotional level was a distortion of her current reality.  But whenever she did this, regardless of how many times she told herself that she wasn't living under impoverished circumstances any more, she would still feel anxious.  Her fear was getting the best of her, so she couldn't enjoy the experience of treating herself.

Finally, after deciding that she no longer wanted to feel emotionally imprisoned by her family history, Mary began therapy.  And the only reason she could allow herself to spend money on therapy was because she knew her company had an insurance plan with excellent out of network benefits.

Mary and I worked together to free her emotionally from her childhood history by using clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to update her experience of herself on an emotional and visceral level.  There was no quick fix for Mary's problem, which was deeply ingrained.  But, over time, her feelings gradually became more aligned with her thinking so that she not only knew on a rational level that she was no longer poor, but she felt it on visceral level.

Mary also let go of the guilt she felt about spending money on herself.  We did "inner child" work for the younger aspect of herself that felt so undeserving.  We also worked to help Mary feel less emotionally enmeshed with her mother.

Finally, over time, Mary was able to enjoy her life and give herself much-needed self care without worry or guilt.

Living Life Based on Old Circumstances That No Longer Apply to Your Current Life
As I mentioned earlier, when children, who grew up under difficult or traumatic circumstances, become adults, they often "carry" these emotions with them and live their lives as if they were still in their childhood situation.

They usually know their current life is different from their childhood, but they don't feel it and, often, no amount of trying to convince themselves on a rational level works for them.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're living your life based on a personal history that's no longer true for you now and you're having difficulty overcoming this on your own, you're not alone.

This is a common experience.  Rather than continuing to suffer, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who uses clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help you "update" your internal emotional world.

For anyone who is not familiar with clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, I've included links below under Resources that provide more information.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Relationship breakups are difficult enough even under the best of circumstances.  But they're particularly difficult when you're a single parent and you have a young child who has become emotionally attached to the person you were dating.  It's a loss for you and your ex, but it can be even more heart breaking for your child, especially if s/he spent a lot of time with your ex.

Breakups Are Even More Difficult When Children Are Involved 

Wait Until the Relationship is Solid Before Introducing Your Child
When psychotherapy clients, who are single and dating, have young children, I usually recommend that they wait until the new relationship is solid before they introduce their children to their romantic partner.

It's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a new romantic relationship during the early stage of courtship and become overly optimistic about the potential longevity of the relationship.  If you introduce someone new to your child before the time is right, your child will feel the loss and, possibly a sense of abandonment, if your relationship ends.

There's no science to gauge how long you should wait.  In most cases, I would recommend that you wait a minimum of six months.  Of course, a lot depends upon the relationship and the age of your child.  And, you should be aware that even infants become attached to people with whom they spend time.

When the Breakup of Your Relationship Involves Your Ex Saying Goodbye to Your Child

Modern Love Article
In Sunday's New York Times' Modern Love column, Laurie Sandell wrote an article called "How to Break Up With a 2-Year Old" where she discusses this issue from the perspective of the ex who must say goodbye to her ex-boyfriend's child (see link below).

It's an interesting article.  I'd love to hear more from the perspective of people who have children who go through breakups like this.

Among my psychotherapy clients who have young children and who have ended relationships, generally, they feel they have a very difficult time.  Not only do they deal with their own grief about the breakup, but they must comfort their children, who often miss the ex and are too young to understand why the ex is no longer coming around.

Young children tend to be naturally egocentric and they often blame themselves if someone they care about isn't around any more.  This is generally true whether it involves a breakup or a death.  So, don't think your child is "too young" to feel hurt.

Although children can be resilient, use good judgment and err on the side of caution when you're trying to decide when to introduce your child to a new romantic partner.  And if you do have the misfortune to go through a breakup with someone your child was emotionally attached to, you need to be extra nurturing and comforting with your child.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

New York Times - Modern Love: How to Break Up with a 2-Year Old - by Laurie Sandell

Why It's Best to Be Honest With Your Psychotherapist

One reason why therapy doesn't work out sometimes is that some clients don't feel comfortable being completely honest with their therapists about important issues in their lives that are causing problems for them.

Why It's Best to Be Honest With Your Psychotherapist

When Shame Keeps Clients From Being Completely Honest With Their Therapists

Often, it's not a matter of psychotherapy clients deliberately attempting to deceive their therapists.  Usually, it's more a matter of clients feeling ashamed of their problems and wanting to appear in a more favorable light.

Shame can be overwhelming.  And, when clients intentionally omit important information about what's going on with them because they feel too embarrassed to reveal their problems to their therapist, they usually end up sabotaging their own treatment because the therapist is missing important information, which doesn't allow her to help the client.

Building a Rapport With Your Therapist

When clients begin therapy, it usually takes a while for the client and therapist to develop a rapport in treatment.  This is normal part of treatment.  So, it's understandable that clients might not reveal things they're ashamed of when they start therapy before they know if they can trust their therapist.  

Withholding Information From Your Therapist Can Result in an "As If" Therapy

When months and years go by and clients don't divulge important information about themselves, the therapy often becomes an "as if" therapy.  The therapist is operating on certain assumptions about the client and offering help related to what she knows, but the secrets that the client is keeping from the therapist have gone underground.   

This might become obvious to the therapist after a while.  She might have an intuitive sense that something is amiss in treatment.  Most experienced and skilled therapists would understand that a client feels too ashamed to discuss certain aspects of himself that he might be too embarrassed to reveal.  

Getting Honest With Your Therapist Can Lead to an Emotional Breakthrough

Once the therapist becomes aware that the client was withholding information, if the therapist approaches this issue with tact and compassion, it can be a real breakthrough for the client and the therapeutic work.  The client usually feels relieved that he no longer has the burden of keeping secrets from his therapist.  

More importantly, he realizes that his therapist still cares about him and wants to work with him.  This is often an emotionally reparative experience, especially if the client came from a family where love was conditional, based on his being a certain way in the family.

Attention-Seeking Behavior: Fictitious Disorder

Another reason why clients aren't honest with therapists is that they might be engaging in attention-seeking behavior.  Attention-seeking behavior could involve either lying to the therapist or exaggerating problems.

For instance, a client might make up a very traumatic family history that is completely false with the intent of getting attention and sympathy.  This type of behavior is called Fictitious Disorder (see my blog article:  Attention-Seeking Behavior in Therapy: Understanding Fictitious Disorder).

A Mismatch Between Therapist and Client Can Result in a Client Withholding Information

Another factor might be that the client and therapist are not a good therapeutic match.

Unfortunately, many clients don't realize how important it is to be with a therapist with whom they have a good rapport.  Of course, as previously mentioned, this is developed over time.  But if months pass and a psychotherapy client still feels he doesn't "click" with his therapist, rather than remaining silent about it or aborting treatment, it would be better for him to speak to the therapist about it.

Ultimately, if this issue cannot be worked out, it would be better for the client to find another therapist. Most experienced therapists understand that every therapist is not for every client, and it's important for the client to feel comfortable.

Some Discomfort With Revealing Uncomfortable Aspects of Yourself is Understandable
Being open in therapy isn't always easy.  It takes courage to go to therapy and open up about things that you don't feel comfortable about.  But, in the end, if you're not honest with your therapist, you're only hurting yourself.

Often, concerns about what the therapist might think if you reveal what you're ashamed of is actually a projection about how you feel about it yourself.

Adjunctive Treatment Might Be Necessary
Recognize that most experienced therapists have heard just about everything you could think of and more.

If your problem is outside of the scope of what your therapist is knowledgeable about, she will tell you and might refer you for adjunctive treatment.

So, for instance, if you reveal that you're having a substance abuse problem and your therapist has no experience with substance abuse, she might refer you to a 12 Step program or a structured outpatient chemical dependency program.

Recognize That You're Not Alone
Many, if not most, people in therapy have gone through times when they feel uncomfortable discussing certain aspects of their lives with their therapists.

But I believe that if you were to ask people who overcame their discomfort and were honest with their therapists, they would tell you that getting over the initial discomfort was worth it in terms of the treatment and how they felt about themselves.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is when a parent deliberately says or does things to alienate a child from the other parent.  This often happens when the parents are having problems with each other or they're going through a divorce.  It's a form of triangulation and has a negative emotional impact on a child.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

Why Do Parents Engage in Parental Alienation With Children?
Often, parental alienation can take the form of one parent saying negative things about the other parent. So, for instance, a mother might tell a child, "Your father doesn't love you" or a father could tell a child divulge personal things that have gone on between the parents, like the mother having an extramarital affair, that the child is not developmentally ready to hear.

Whether parents are together or they are in the process of getting a divorce, the emotional and physical well-being of their children should be their primary concern.  But many parents, who are consumed with anger and resentment towards each other, often forget this and, intentionally or not, use the child as a pawn to get back at each other.

The Traumatic Impact of Parental Alienation on Children
Young children are particular vulnerable to the trauma involved with parental alienation and suffer the most.  They don't have the emotional defenses that older children often have to ward off the negative impact of parental alienation.

Hearing negative things about one or both parents can be frightened and confusing for them, especially if one of the parents tells them that the other doesn't care about the child.

The Trauma Doesn't End When the Children Become Adults
Children, who grow up in a home where there is parental alienation, usually continue to be affected by this dynamic when they grow up.  It often affects their adult romantic relationships, making if difficult to develop trust or to even enter into a romantic relationship.

As adults, they might continue to feel ambivalent about the parent that was maligned to them, especially if that parent doesn't make an effort to try to repair the relationship.

The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how damaging parental alienation can be as well as how this trauma can be worked through in therapy:

John
When John was a young child, his mother was in and out of drug rehabilitation programs because of her addiction to prescription pills.  John's father and his paternal grandparents took care of John during the times when his mother was away.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

John was never told where his mother was or why she was away.  His mother's drug addiction was the family secret, and he only found out as an adult why she was often gone for long periods of time.  John's father, who felt angry and bitter towards the mother, would often tell John that his mother didn't care about him--that she only cared about herself.

Whenever John's father told him things like this, John would go into his room and cry silently to himself.  His father made sure that John's basic physical needs were taken care of, but he wasn't a warm or nurturing person and neither were his paternal grandparents.  So, he was often left by himself in his room.

When his mother was home, she was the more loving and nurturing one, so this was very confusing for John.  He felt like his mother loved him, but his father always told him that she didn't, so he wasn't sure what to believe.

During those times, when his mother was home, John would cling to her, often falling asleep on her lap.  He feared that if he let her go, she would go away again.

Whenever his parents fought, John would put the pillow over his ears so he wouldn't hear them.  When the shouting died down, John's father would often come into John's room to complain to him about the mother--she was selfish, manipulative, dishonest, a bad wife and a bad mother.  Hearing these things hurt John, but he didn't feel he could say anything because even though his father was speaking to him, John felt that his father was hardly aware that he was there.

Throughout school, John tended to have only one or two friends, usually more outgoing boys that John sought out.  In college, he was lonely most of the time.  Occasionally, he went out with his roommates, but he mostly kept to himself.

By the time John graduated and came to NYC for a career opportunity, he was very lonely, and he didn't know anyone in NY.

His parents lived in the same household, but they barely spoke.  The father lived in the basement and the mother continued to live on the first floor, but they were living separate lives.  When John went home to visit them, his father still complained about the mother being a bad wife and mother.  John was now old enough to see that his mother was high, even though she denied it.  So, he hated going home and tried to avoid it as much as possible.

John started therapy because, even though he was lonely, he had a lot of problems meeting women.  He was painfully shy and afraid of getting hurt, but he didn't want to feel this way for his entire life.

After hearing John's family history, I discussed parental alienation and it resonated with him.  Just knowing that there was a term for what he experienced and that other people had experienced it too helped him to feel a little better.

After we developed a therapeutic rapport, we began using clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help John to work through the trauma he experienced as a child and the effect it was having on him as an adult.

John had never thought of himself as being a traumatized child.  He was surprised, but it made sense to him.  Before coming to therapy, he just thought that his experience was how it was. For him, it was "normal."  He didn't realize that not all children experience parental alienation.  He had never thought about it before.

Over time, John gradually began the healing process so he could visit his parents at home without getting pulled into their hostile dynamic. He also began to date.

If you're interested in finding out about clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, I've included websites under the Resource section below.  Both websites have directories for therapists in the both in the US and internationally.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you grew up in a environment where you experienced parental alienation, you might not realize the traumatic effect it had on you and that you might still be experiencing the impact as an adult.  If the vignette above feels familiar, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with parental alienation.

If you can work through the trauma of parental alienation, you could live a more fulfilling life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.