Overcoming the Fear of Falling In Love and Getting Hurt Again

I see many clients who have had their hearts broken in prior relationships and who fear falling in love and getting hurt again.

Overcoming the Fear of Falling in Love and Getting Hurt Again

An article that I read in the New York Times Modern Love section called:  "Fear of Surrendering Again: Ready In Case the Other Shoe Drops" by Julia Anne Miller is a good example of how people often fear getting hurt again in a new relationship (see link below).

Even when people really yearn to love and be loved again, an overwhelming fear of being retraumatized in a new relationship can keep them from getting involved with someone new.

The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifying information revealed, is an example of how someone can yearn to be in a relationship again but needs help to overcome the fear of getting hurt again:

Lee
When Lee first came to see me, she had been dating Bob, a man she met at a friend, Beth's wedding, for several months.  It had been several years since she had been in a serious relationship. She was in her early 40s, and after getting hurt in her marriage and a subsequent long term relationship, she was sure she was through with dating and relationships.

And then she met Bob.

Lee smiled to herself as she thought about Beth, even on her wedding day, orchestrating this meeting by placing Lee next to Bob at the singles' table.  Beth was forever trying to set up introductions for Lee to eligible men and Lee was forever rejecting Beth's efforts.  Now, at last, knowing that Lee was coming on her own to the wedding, Beth had a chance to use her match making skills.

Normally, Lee would be annoyed by Beth's efforts to match her up with a man, but not this time.

Lee wasn't sure what there was about Bob that made her want to reconsider remaining single.  Sure, he was good looking, intelligent, kind, funny and successful.  But there was something else.

When she looked in his eyes, she felt that she just might be able to trust him.  But what if she was wrong?

After her last breakup, which was particularly painful, she preferred to bury herself in her work during the week and see friends or stay home alone on the weekends.  She had resigned herself to remaining single for the rest of her life.  She considered getting a cat, but that was the extent of willingness to make another commitment to a living being.

After 10 years of marriage, her husband (now ex), who everyone agreed seemed like the most caring and trustworthy man alive, ended up leaving her for a woman he met at work.  Her last boyfriend, who also seemed sweet and kind, decided, after six years, he wanted to be free to date other women.  Lee felt she would never get over the pain of that breakup.

Having experienced such excruciating emotional pain in our prior relationships, how could she know if she could trust Bob?

Then, there was her father, who was in and out of the household, constantly cheating on Lee's mother and then coming back to ask for forgiveness whenever things didn't work out with his last girlfriend.  Although Lee understood that her mother was financially dependent upon the father, she still felt anger and resentment towards her mother for taking him back again and again.  She spent most of her childhood and adolescence hating her father, and she only reconciled with him after he was diagnosed with advanced cancer, just before he died--the ultimate abandonment.

We spent much of our early work together helping Lee to rebuild her sense of resilience.  She understood that there were no guarantees in relationships.  Her biggest fear was that if her relationship with Bob didn't work out, she would spiral down into a deep depression and she wouldn't be able to function.

Lee had witnessed her mother become incapacitated by depression after Lee's father left the household for the third time.  Lee bore the brunt of taking care of her three younger siblings.  She vowed to herself that she would never allow a man to make her feel so depressed.  Even in her darkest moments after her marriage, as devastated as she felt, she was still able to go to work, take care of her apartment and function in life.

But after her last relationship, she wasn't sure she could bounce back again from another disappointment if Bob hurt her.

On the one hand, when she became especially fearful, she was tempted at times to call it off with Bob.  On the other hand, most of the time, she knew she wanted to be with him and see where their relationship would go.

We also worked on helping Lee heal from her prior childhood trauma as well as the losses she experienced in her marriage and last relationship.  This was hard work for Lee, but it enabled her to experience her relationship with Bob as separate from those other disappointments, so she could experience it as new and not as being part of a string of disappointments.

Lee also learned to trust her judgment again.  Over time, she was able to open up more with Bob and allow their relationship to grow without feeling the oppressive fear she felt before.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are so many people who close themselves off to the possibility of falling in love again because they fear they'll get hurt.  Even though they might be lonely, their fear overwhelms any possibility of finding happiness with someone new.

If you're someone who would like to have someone special in your life, but you're overwhelmed by fear based on your experiences from the past, you owe it to yourself to get help.

A skilled mental health professional can help you heal from your losses and develop a greater sense of resilience and self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Modern Love: Fear of Surrendering Again: Ready In Case the Other Shoe Drops

Psychotherapists Need to Stop Labeling and Stigmatizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting" Client and Be More Creative Instead

One of the most unhelpful labels that a therapist can pin on a client is the so-called "help rejecting client" or, worse still, "the help rejecting complainer."

Stop Labeling and Stigmatizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting" Client

No matter how a therapist tries to qualify these labels by saying that he or she understands that the client isn't intentionally rejecting the therapist's recommendations or that the client is responding this way out of fear, there's no way around it, these labels are pejorative and damaging to the therapeutic work.  And I can't help feeling that using these labels is a way of blaming the client, making him "wrong" and making the therapist "right."

Generally speaking, clients who are referred to as "help rejecting" are often seen as finding reasons why interventions the therapist attempts in treatment won't work or responding to the therapist's treatment recommendations with, "Yes, but..."

No doubt, when this happens, it's frustrating for the therapist and the client.

Reconceptualizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting Client"
I think it's time that mental health professionals reconceptualize these outmoded labels and begin to "think outside the box."

Better yet, I think we should "retire" the terms "help rejecting client" and "help rejecting complainer" in much the same way we retire certain baseball uniform numbers.  Let's agree to stop using these labels.

I'm not saying that therapists are actually calling clients "help rejecting" to their faces.  It's more of a term used in psychotherapy literature, although I've also seen it written about in certain therapy blogs for the lay public.

Many people might disagree with me, but I think that even if a therapist never utters the words "He's a help rejecting client,"just thinking about the client in this way has the potential to sabotage the therapy.  After all, if the client is "help rejecting" and the therapist's job is to help, what's left to do?

The Client's Fear and Ambivalence
There are clients who are ambivalent about treatment and about making changes.

If you've lived your entire life relating in a certain way and engaging in certain behavior, even if behaving in these ways has caused a lot of emotional pain, it's scary to venture into unknown territory to change.

If a client is afraid to make a change, it's up to the therapist to help the client to feel safe.  The old maxim of "starting where the client is" comes to mind.

This could mean that the therapist might need to get out of his or her "comfort zone" to try something different.  It could mean working in a different way from how he or she would.  This is why it's important to have many different ways of working because therapy can't be a one-size-fits-all endeavor.

It could also mean seeking a consultation with a more seasoned therapist.

In some cases, the therapy might take longer than the therapist and client anticipated.  At times, it might be frustrating for both the therapist and the client.  But the therapist can't go any faster than the client is willing to go.

Engaging the Motivated Part of the Client That Wants Help
Most people understand that, as human beings, we're complex.  Even when we say we want to change, there's often a part of us that doesn't want to change at all.

It's up to the therapist to understand the part of the client that fears change and to engage the part of the client that came in wanting help.

At the start of therapy, the more dominant aspect of the client might be rejecting what the therapist has to offer.  But, usually, underneath the fear and ambivalence there's an aspect of the client that wants to change but doesn't know how.

After all, if a client spends the time and money to come to therapy every week, there must be some aspect of him or herself that wants to change or s/he wouldn't be there.

Therapists Need to Be Creative
Gone are the days when the therapist can take a "neutral stance" with the client.  Good riddance to the days when the therapist sat back and just said, "Uh huh," retraumatizing the client as he poured out his problems!

Therapists need to learn to be creative in their work to help the work come alive.  They need to be a presence in the therapy room rather than being neutral.

Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing
There are many creative ways to overcome therapeutic impasses with clients who are ambivalent and/or fearful about change.

I often find clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to very useful in helping clients to soothe the part of themselves that fears change and connect with the aspect of themselves that wants to change.

Talking about these aspects of self without helping clients to connect to where they're feeling these emotions in the body is very limited.  Talking about it often becomes an intellectual exercise that doesn't lead to actual change.

Helping the client to have a "felt sense" of these conflicting aspects of him or herself makes the therapy come alive in a way that regular talk therapy often doesn't.

Helping Clients to Use Their Imagination
Helping the client to use his or her imagination in an embodied way can open the door for the client to have a "felt sense" of internal and external resources to invoke.

Over time, clients can learn to use these resources to have a corrective emotional experience that wasn't available to them before.  At that point, the client has access to more of him or herself to do the work to make changes.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Insecurities That Are Ruining Your Relationship

I've seen many clients in my psychotherapy office in New York City, both individuals and couples, where personal insecurities were having a negative effect on their relationship.  Often, this takes the form of one or both people needing constant reassurance that they are loved by their partner.

When Needing Constant Reassurance in Your Relationship Becomes a Negative Habit
Needing constant reassurance about your relationship can become a negative habit.  This dynamic can ruin a relationship fast.  It can be exhausting, especially when the person doing the reassuring realizes that no amount of reassurance will alleviate his or her partner's insecurities.

Overcoming the Insecurities That Are Ruining Your Relationship

The following fictionalized vignette is an example of where one person's insecurities in a relationship can have a negative impact:

Jane and Bob:
After Jane and Bob were dating for three months, they realized that they had fallen in love and decided to become exclusive with each other.

As soon as Jane realized that she was in love with Bob, she started feeling insecure:  Did he really love her or was he just telling her this?  Would he meet another woman at work, where there were so many attractive women, and leave her?

When they were together, Jane was vigilant as to whether Bob was looking at other women.  If she thought she saw him looking at another woman, she would panic and ask him for assurances that he loved her.  At first, Bob was flattered and reassured Jane.

But when it kept happening nearly every time that they went out, he began to feel irritated and he told her she had nothing to worry about, and it was annoying for him to feel pressured to constantly reassure her.  This only made Jane feel worse.

Jane's insecurities got worse over time.  If Bob didn't call her back immediately, she wondered if he was with someone else.  When she mentioned this to Bob, he got angry.  He asked her if he had given her any reason to think this.

When Jane calmed down, she knew, in reality, that Bob wouldn't cheat on her.  But once doubt crept into her mind, she had a hard time containing her worries and keeping it to herself. She felt compelled to ask him about it.

After a while, Bob got frustrated and told Jane that she should go to therapy to deal with this.  Jane knew that Bob was right--she was having a problem and if she didn't overcome these insecurities, their relationship wouldn't last.  So, she sought the help of a licensed mental health professional.

During her therapy, Jane realized that a lot of her insecurities stemmed from feelings of abandonment from childhood.  Jane's mother was in and out of her life from the time Jane was born.  So, Jane needed to work through this early loss and her fears of abandonment so she wouldn't displace her fears on Bob.

Jane also developed better coping skills in therapy.  As she was working on her earlier trauma, she learned how to contain her fears and insecurities so she no longer blurted them out to Bob.  Soon, they were getting along much better and talking about moving in together.

Getting Help in Therapy
Assuming that your romantic partner doesn't give you any objective reasons to feel insecure about your relationship, your insecurities might be linked to unresolved childhood issues.  It's hard to see this on your own because your fears and insecurities often feel so real in the current situation, even though they're really part of an earlier trauma.

You could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to work through your fears and insecurities.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Allure of the Extramarital Affair

For many people who are unhappy or having problems in their marriage, the possibility of an extramarital affair is very tempting.  In many cases, it's a way of distracting themselves and finding a new and exciting sex partner to take their minds off their marital problems.

The Allure of the Extramarital Affair

An extramarital affair can be alluring.  But, ultimately, extramarital affairs often lead to even more problems and heartbreak.  Rather than trying to escape the problems in the relationship, it would be better to either try to work out the marital problems or, if the problems are irreconcilable, to end the marriage in a way that respects both you and your spouse and the love you once felt for each other.

Unfortunately, lots of people, who are unhappy in their marriage, find the possibility of an affair to be too irresistible and find out after it's too late just what a mistake it was to get involved with someone else.


The following fictionalized scenario is an example of how the allure of an extramarital affair created even worse problems:

Ted:
Ted and his wife, Mary, were married for 20 years when he met Betty at a conference.  Ted never had an extramarital affair in all  the years that he and Mary were married.  But, at the point when he met Betty, he and Mary had been having problems in their marriage for several years.

They were arguing about money and what they should do after they retired.  Mary tended to be a saver, and Ted was more of a spender.  Mary wanted to move out of state after she and Ted retired to be closer to her elderly mother, and Ted wanted to remain in NY.

Ted hated any kind of confrontation, so that whenever Mary tried to discuss these issues with Ted, he would get annoyed.  As their arguments got worse, Ted began spending more and more time at work so that by the time he got home, Mary was asleep.  He also went to the office on weekends to avoid the arguments.  So, they spent little time together, which only annoyed Mary more.

The tension between Ted and Mary had also taken a toll on their sex life.  Even when they were together at home, neither of them was in the mood to have sex.  There was too much anger and resentment between them.

Prior to their problems, Ted preferred not to go to conferences, but when his boss told him that there was a conference in L.A. and he offered to send Ted, Ted jumped at the opportunity.  On the last evening of the conference, Ted had too much to drink during the hotel happy hour. Normally, Ted wasn't a big drinker, so he didn't have a high tolerance of alcohol. That's when he met Betty.

Ted wasn't so drunk that he didn't know what he was doing.  He realized that Betty, who worked at his company in another department, was flirting with him.  He told himself that it was harmless to flirt back with her, and he told himself it wouldn't go any further.

When she invited him to her room, he told himself that he would only stay for a few minutes and then he would go back to his own room.  And so he continued to in this way, bargaining with himself that he would only kiss her and he wouldn't go any further.  But the temptation was just too great when she got undressed.  So, this is how the affair began.

When he returned to NY, he told himself that he would meet Betty for a drink and tell her that what happened in L.A. couldn't continue.  He felt guilty about cheating on his wife, but he blamed the alcohol.

Six months into the affair, Ted was still bargaining with himself--he would only see Betty one more time and then he would break it off.  But he continued to see her.  Seeing her made him feel special and the sex was the most passionate it had ever been.  Betty knew he was married and, from what Ted could see, she didn't seem to mind.

One night he came home late, and found Mary waiting up for him.  When she asked him to sit down, he was surprised to see that she looked like she had been crying.  He feared that her mother or one of her elderly relatives had died.  But after he sat down, Mary got straight to the point, "I got a call from a woman named Betty.  Is it true?"

Ted felt the blood drain from his face and he felt a mixture of shock, sadness and anger towards Betty.  Ted and Mary had a long talk about their marriage and the affair.  Ted realized, for the first time in a long time, that he still really loved his wife a lot and he didn't want to lose her.  He begged her to forgive him and promised that he would end it with Betty and never cheat on Mary again.

Mary was very upset, but she told Ted that she didn't want to throw away their 20 year marriage.  She said she wanted them to try to salvage their marriage, and she suggested they attend marriage counseling.

Ted ended his affair with Betty and asked his boss for a transfer to a different site.  His boss told him that people in the department had been gossiping about Ted's affair with Betty, and he also thought it was best for Ted to move to another department.  Ted didn't realize that people at work knew about the affair, and he felt especially ashamed that his boss knew.

Betty was angry that Ted was ending the affair.  She had hoped by calling Mary, Mary would leave Ted and then Betty could have him to herself.  She didn't realize that Ted still loved his wife and wanted to salvage their marriage.  Betty made threats to call Mary again, but she didn't.  Eventually, she stopped calling and texting him.

Mary and Ted had a lot to work on in marriage counseling, including Mary regaining trust in Ted.  Ted also had to learn to develop the ability to deal with their problems instead of running away from them.  It was hard work, and there were times when each of them wanted to stop marriage counseling.  But they both knew that if there was any chance of working out their problems, they needed to stick with it, so they did.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are having problems that you're unable to work out on your own, you could benefit from couples counseling.  Even if you have already decided that you want to end the relationship, a skilled couples counselor can help you to do it amicably.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

In my article yesterday, Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Build Resilience, I wrote about family narratives, based on an article by Bruce Feiler, and how these narratives can help build resilience and cohesiveness.  Today, I'm addressing the misperception that a "happy family" is problem free.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

There's No Such Thing as a "Perfect Family"
Most people would agree that there's no such thing as a "perfect family" that is without its ups and downs and moments of crises.  But, as I mentioned yesterday, the idea that most families are dysfunctional is so prevalent in our culture that many people think that in order for a family to be considered happy and stable, there shouldn't be any problems.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

That's like saying that in order for people to see themselves as having a happy life, they shouldn't have any sadness or any difficult times.  Once again, when we look at it this way, we can see the fallacy in this reasoning because we know it's impossible to live a long, full life without there being hard times.

Happy Families Often Share a Sense of Meaningfulness 
Part of the problem is with the word happiness.  What does it mean to be happy?  I believe, and I think many people might agree, that having a happy life doesn't mean being happy all of the time.   For me, in a nutshell, it means having a life that is meaningful, which includes having people that you care about and who care about you.


Similarly, there will be sadness, loss and crises in most families sooner or later.  There will also be struggles.   This is true for every family.  What matters is how a family responds to these losses, crises and struggles and how well they bounce back from these events.  An attitude of "we're in this together and together we'll get through it" helps families to weather the inevitable difficult times.

A Sense of Family History:  Standing on the Shoulders of Previous Generations
It's also helpful when a family has a sense of history that the current family members and previous generations have overcome difficult times together and have been resilient enough to bounce back.

It's like saying, "We stand on the shoulders of previous generations who made it through difficult times and  remained united."

In most families that consider themselves to be happy families, there are often shared values and traditions.  Of course, there isn't an absolute.  There are happy families where family members respect each other's right to have differing opinions.

I believe the most important aspect of a happy family is a loving, nurturing environment.  Once again, this doesn't mean perfection.  There can be times of discord and conflict.  But, usually, in families that consider themselves to be happy, even when there's conflict, there's a foundation of love and trust.

If there are periods of discord in the family, a happy family is more likely to allow for there to be a way to make amends rather than holding grudges.

When I see clients who describe themselves as coming from happy families, they often have a sense that whatever they're going through, ultimately, they will be all right.  They have a sense that, somehow, they'll get through their problems, even if they currently need the help of a therapist and supportive family and friends.  They usually have much more of a sense of hope about life than people who don't come from happy, stable families.

Having grown up in a family where there was a foundation of love and trust, often gives these individuals a sense that they are rooted in something much larger than themselves.

It's often a matter of perspective.  I once met a man at a dinner party who told me he came from a happy family and he considered himself to have had a great childhood.

Then, he proceeded to describe a childhood filled with many personal and family struggles.  It was very far from a carefree, easy childhood.  But he told me that he knew he was loved by his parents, siblings, and grandparents.  He also knew he came from a long line of survivors and strivers.

So, as far as he was concerned, he came from a happy family with meaningful family relationships, and he considered himself to be fortunate.

So, my point in yesterday's and today's blog posts is that, far from all families being dysfunctional, as I often hear people say, there are happy families, and we can learn a lot from these families about what makes for a happy, meaningful family life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Build Resilience

Many psychotherapy clients, who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, assume that all families are dysfunctional.  But, the fact is that there are many families that are happy functional families.  In the Sunday, 3/17/13 New York Times, best selling author, Bruce Feiler, wrote in his article called The Stories That Bind Us that happy families often have a family narrative that is passed on from one generation to the next.

Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Build Resilience

According to Mr. Feiler, having a strong family narrative can help children to become more resilient.  He cites research from the time after 9/11 that found that children who were part of families that had a strong family narrative tended to bounce back faster than children that didn't.

What Do We Mean By "A Family Narrative"?
Family narratives, the stories about the family that are passed down from one generation to the next,  could be about how the children's grandparents or great grandparents came to this country, struggled to provide for their children, and overcame adversity to make a better life for the next generation.

Helping Children to Develop Resilience and  an "Intergenerational Self"
A family narrative helps children to feel rooted in the family history.  Mr. Feiler called this sense of rootedness an "intergenerational self."  If they know the history, including the many stories that go with that history, children often have a sense of belonging to a much larger extended family.

According to Mr. Feiler, when children hear stories about previous generations, especially where those family members overcame challenges, they often feel more hopeful that they too can overcome adversity.

Hearing about the "ups and downs" of prior generations leading up to the current generation often gives children a sense of resilience, especially if these stories are framed in the context that whatever might come in the future, "we'll face it together."

The Importance of Family Traditions
Family traditions that are passed on from one generation to the next often give children a sense of being part of something much larger than themselves.  Whether it's an Easter egg hunt or having the family come together for the Seder dinner, knowing that there were prior generations who honored the same traditions often helps children to feel that they have an important place in the family history.

I think that even taking out the family album from time to time and telling your children stories about previous generations in the photos can help children to understand the family history and how and why certain things occurred in the family, whether they were setbacks or gains or both.

If you haven't read it already, I encourage you to read the article, "The Stories That Bind Us" to learn some simple steps that you can take to help build cohesiveness in your family.  Many of the suggestions aren't new, but they are good reminders.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming "All or Nothing" Thinking

When you engage in all or nothing thinking, you're limiting your possibilities and, possibly, the possibilities of those around you.  Sometimes, referred to as "black and white" thinking, when you engage in all of nothing thinking, you leave out a lot of the "grey" area.  And, let's face it, most of life falls in that "grey" zone.

Overcoming "All or Nothing" Thinking

All or nothing thinking is known as a cognitive distortion because it represents a distortion in the way you think either about yourself, someone else or a situation.

Developing Awareness About How You Think and Approach Life
In order to make any changes, first, you need to be aware of your particular pattern of thinking.

How can you recognize if you're engaging in all or nothing thinking?

Here are some examples:
"Nothing ever goes right for me."
"I'm a total loser."
"I'm always wrong."
"What's the use of even trying?  Life is always so hard."
"You never listen to me."

How Does All or Nothing Thinking Affect You?
As I mentioned earlier, engaging in all or nothing thinking limits your options to either "yes" or "no" or "always" and "never."  While there are times in life when you're clear that your response is an absolute like "yes," "no," "always," or "never," if this is your pattern most of the time, then you're dealing with a cognitive distortion in your views.

The following vignette is a fictionalized scenario where a person engages in nothing thinking:

Ed:
Ed, who was in his late 20s, had low self confidence.  It was hard for him to try anything new because he had so many self doubts.  It took a lot for him to take risks, whether they were  risks in his personal life or in his career.  He had to work hard to push aside his negative thoughts about himself in order for him to make a move.

When he met Karen at a party, he really wanted to get to know her.  He hesitated to ask her for her telephone number because he assumed that she would reject him.  He thought: "She'd never be interested in me" and "I'm such a loser."  He had to really summon his courage to ask her for her telephone number so he could ask her out on a date.  Ed was shocked when Karen smiled and gave him her number.

A couple of days later, Ed began dialing Karen's number, but he kept hanging up before the phone rang.  His fear of rejection escalated as his negative thoughts almost got the best of him: "She probably gave me the number because she felt too uncomfortable to say no, but she'll never go out with me."

Once again, Ed pushed aside his negative thoughts and redialed.  When he got Karen's voicemail, he almost hung up but, despite his fear, he left a message.

When a day passed and Karen didn't call back, Ed berated himself, telling himself, "You see?  She's not interested.  You're a loser."

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking

Then, Karen called Ed the following day, telling him that she was having problems with her phone and she just got his message.  She also told him that she would love to go out with him, which surprised and delighted Ed.

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking

 
He felt good for a few minutes, and then his self doubt crept in again and he felt sure that Karen wasn't going to enjoy being with him.

Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking
If you recognize yourself as engaging in all or nothing thinking, you can practice trying to reframe situations for yourself.

For instance, in the vignette above, Ed was certain that Karen didn't call back on the same day because she wasn't interested in him.  He never considered other possibilities, including that there were problems with Karen's phone.

If you see yourself as having a similar pattern, you can begin by challenging yourself in every day situations by coming up with other possibilities.

At first, you might not believe that there could be any other possibilities, except for the negative thoughts you're having.  But just practice.  If nothing else, it will help you to develop a greater awareness of how often you engage in all or nothing thinking.

In the above vignette, even if Karen didn't return Ed's phone call, there could be lots of other reasons:  Maybe she was sick.  Maybe she liked Ed, but she was too shy to call him back.  And so on.

Often, it's easier to see other people's distorted thinking.  If you happen to notice other people engaging in all or nothing thinking, you could challenge their assumptions in your own mind and come up with different options.

Getting Help in Therapy
Often, people who are depressed or anxious engage in all or nothing thinking, feeling they have few options.  

If you think you're anxious or depressed, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Making Changes: Overcoming the Voice of Negative Prediction