Balancing Your Needs with Being Responsive to the Needs of Our Loved Ones

How do we balance our own needs with being responsive to our loved ones?  

There are times in life when we choose to put aside something that we want in our lives to focus on our loved ones, whether this involves a child, a spouse or an elderly relative.  This is a part of life and, usually, we do this because we love them and they're important to us.  But this is different from a lifelong pattern of constantly putting others' needs first and sacrificing our own.  

Balancing Your Needs With the Needs of Your Loved Ones

For many people, it can be tricky knowing how to balance their needs with what's being asked of them from family and friends.  When there's a lifelong dynamic of consistently putting others' needs over our own, it can leave us feeling adrift in a sea of doubt and dissatisfaction.

Here are a few short vignettes that are examples of this pattern of putting others' needs first:

Paul:
From the time he was a small boy, Paul always wanted to be an airline pilot, but he knew that his father wanted him to be a doctor.  His father wanted to be a doctor himself when he was younger, but he had to help his parents support  a large family, so he went to work instead of going to medical school.  Paul is painfully aware of his father's family history and the many sacrifices his father made.  He feels too guilty to pursue his dream of becoming an airline pilot, so he becomes a doctor to please his father.  Once in the profession, he's deeply unhappy.  He finds he hates it and he's ill at ease with all the patient contact.  But he remains as doctor because he knows it makes his father proud and happy, and he would feel too guilty disappointing his father.

Susan:
Susan's mother, Mary, has a long history of living beyond her means.  When Mary loses her job, she tells Susan that she wants to stop working, rather than look for other work, and she expects Susan to help support her.  Mary is only in her early 50s, in very good health, and there are no other reasons why she can't look for another job.  She just doesn't want to do it.  Over the years, she's depended on Susan to bail her out financially.  Susan just began building a financial safety net for herself, but she's nowhere near what financial experts recommend of having at least six months to a year of savings in case of an emergency.  Supporting her mother would be a very big financial sacrifice.  Rather than supporting her on an ongoing basis, Susan would rather help her mother in the short term until Mary can find another job.  But Susan doesn't feel comfortable telling her mother this, so she agrees to give her mother a substantial part of her salary every month, which keeps Susan from saving for herself.  She's unhappy with this arrangement, but she feels too guilty and that it would be selfish to speak up for herself.

Alice:
Alice recently joined a neighborhood writing group.  Since she began this supportive group, Alice has become much more confident in her writing and she has been seriously considering submitting her short  stories for publication.  The group members have been encouraging her to do so, and they especially urged her to come to the next meeting where the guest speaker will be an editor from a magazine who might be interested in Alice's stories.  As Alice is about to leave for the group meeting, she gets a last minute call from her sister, Betty, who is in tears about the latest argument she had with her husband.  She tells Alice she is coming over because she needs to talk to her right now.  This is the third time this week that Betty has called in tears to talk about her marriage.  Alice had very much been looking forward all month to attending her group and meeting the magazine editor.  But rather than telling Betty that she could talk to her later, she takes off her coat, resigns herself to missing the meeting, and tells Betty it's okay for her to come over now.

What all of these scenarios have in common is an inability to assert one's self in order to balance one's own needs while still being responsive to loved ones.  Each person is taking on his or her loved one's problems or wishes at a sacrifice to him or herself.  

When Shame is at the Core of the Problem
If shame is at the core of being unable to assert your own needs, it can make these situations even more challenging.  By shame, I mean that, often, people who tend to put others' needs first most of the time feel too ashamed to allow themselves to want things for themselves.  Their family upbringing might have been that it's better to always put other people's needs first.

Tactfully setting boundaries with others is your right.  You might know this, but knowing when to do it might be confusing:  Are you being selfish or are you asserting yourself?  

Always Putting Others' Needs First Can Exhaust and Depress You
A pattern of putting others' needs before your own can leave you feeling depleted and depressed.  It can also cause you to feel resentful of others.  On the one hand, you don't want to feel like you're being selfish but on the other hand, you don't want to neglect your own needs.  It can be hard to know where to draw the line.  But if you don't learn where to drawn the line, your life will go by without the things that you really want for yourself.  There are few things sadder than someone who looks back on his or her life and says, "If only I had pursued my dreams..."

Getting Help in Therapy
When you work with a clinician who has expertise in helping people to balance their needs with being responsive to their loved ones, you learn to discover what you really want, when to assert your needs, and how to do it.  

It's not a matter of the psychotherapist telling you what to do.  It's about you discovering and learning to listen to your core self, who usually knows what's right for you so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I have work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many clients to overcome obstacles that keep them from leading more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

For a related topic, see my article:  Overcoming Fear of Anger

Learning to Celebrate Your Success in Life

Celebrate Your Success

Setting and accomplishing goals can be challenging. When you succeed at attaining your goals, it's important to acknowledge your hard work and perseverance by celebrating your success. 

Yet, so many people have a hard time recognizing and acknowledging their success.

Feeling Empty Rather than Happy After Accomplishing a Goal
Over the years, so many people have told me that they looked forward to accomplishing a long term goal, but after they succeeded, they felt empty inside.  Rather than feeling happy that they attained a hard-won success, they feel nothing.

For instance, I've known a number of people who work full time and go to college at night.  This can be very challenging.  (I know this from personal experience because I attended college for years at night while I worked full time.)  When it comes time to attend their graduation, many of these same people just don't go.  They make all kinds of excuses for not attending their graduation ceremony, but it's clear they're uncomfortable and they don't know why.

An Inability to Celebrate Success is Often a Deeply-Rooted Problem
Often, this problem of being unable to celebrate success is deeply rooted in earlier problems.  For each person, it will be different.  But an inability to celebrate a success is a real problem that can follow you throughout your life robbing you of the joy you could feel for your accomplishments.

For many people who have been emotionally traumatized in life, they feel a need to be always vigilant for the next bad thing that might happen in their lives.  Letting down their guard to be happy and celebrate a success just doesn't feel like an option for them.  They might not even realize that this is what's keeping them from feeling good.  But, often, when they come to therapy, they realize that they have old emotional wounds to work through.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're someone who has problems acknowledging and celebrating your successes in life and you haven't been able to overcome this on your own, you owe it to yourself to seek professional help to work through this issue.

Life is short and it brings both joy and sorrow.  If you're only able to feel the sorrow, you're depriving yourself of many happy moments in life.  It's possible to overcome this problem, if you're willing to take the first step to get help to heal.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome emotional obstacles so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credit: Photo Pin

Fear of Being a Disappointment to Your Therapist

I was talking to a friend recently, and she mentioned to me that she was thinking of leaving therapy because she was afraid she was going to be a disappointment to her therapist.  She's been with this particular psychotherapist for more than a year.  She told me that they have a great rapport, but she was worried because she was considering returning to her ex-husband, and she feared that she would be a great disappointment to her therapist if her therapist heard about it.  So rather than talk to her psychotherapist about it, she was contemplating leaving therapy rather than risk seeing the look of disappointment on her face.

A Common Fear for Clients in Psychotherapy
After we talked about it, my friend, whom I'll call Mary (not her real name) gave me permission to write about this in my blog because it's such a common problem for many people in therapy, especially when they really like their therapists.

Therapy is a place where, ideally, you can talk about anything.  Yet, so many people hesitate to tell their therapists about decisions they're about to make because they fear looking bad in their therapist's eyes.  They become so filled with shame and fear that they'd rather leave therapy prematurely than deal with this issue.

Clients Feel Too Ashamed to Talk to Their Psychotherapist About Certain Topics
When new clients come to me for a consultation in my psychotherapy practice in NYC, I usually ask them what their prior experiences have been in therapy.  It's not unusual to hear that they had a therapist that they really liked, but they left because they felt ashamed about something that they did or were about to do.  Often, it involves going back to an ex or making some other decision that they think will disappoint their therapist.  Often, their abrupt departure from therapy is still a loss for them that has not been worked out.

If clients have been raised by overly critical and shaming family members, this is even more likely to be a problem for them as they imagine that their therapist will think less of them.  Often, this is a projection of old, unresolved emotional wounds.  And, they would rather leave their therapist prematurely than see disappointment in his or her eyes.

Talk to Your Therapist About Your Fears
Since my friend had not left therapy yet (she was only thinking about it at the time), I urged her to talk to her therapist about her fear.  This took a lot of courage on my friend's part.  But, afterwards, she was very glad that she did it because that session affirmed the bonds of their therapeutic relationship.  Rather than seeing disappointment in her eyes, my friend saw caring and compassion.  It was a very healing experience for her to know that her therapist still cared about her regardless of what she was contemplating about her ex.  In fact, my friend realized that she was the one who was judging herself and projecting this onto her therapist.  This realization caused her to stop to explore the issue of reconciling with her ex further without being burdened by guilt or shame.

There's a good article in Psychology Today on how to communicate with your therapist by Ryan Howes, Ph.D. that could be helpful to you: "How to Give Feedback to Your Therapist".

Thinking that you might be a disappointment to your therapist can be a painful experience.  Most skilled clinicians have dealt with this issue before and can help you to navigate through it.  Rather than leaving therapy in haste, I usually urge most people to talk to your therapist about whatever it is you fear will make you a disappointment to him or her.  These are often the best sessions in therapy when they are handled by an experienced licensed clinician.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist,  EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credit:  Photo Pin

How to Talk to Your Spouse About Retirement

Talking to your spouse about retirement can be a stressful conversation or it can be an exciting conversation, depending upon how well you and your spouse communicate.  Many couples avoid having this conversation because they fear it will bring on a confrontation.  I'm often amazed at how many couples (and individuals) completely avoid talking about retirement until it's upon them.

Talking to Your Spouse About Retirement

I usually recommend that couples talk about retirement at least five years or so before they anticipate retiring.  Hopefully, there has been financial planning throughout the marriage.  I'm not a financial planner, so I'm not giving financial advice in this blog.  But I have seen couples get embroiled in arguments about retirement planning, so I'd like to address this issue on an emotional level.

This isn't your grandfather's retirement:
People often avoid talking about retirement because it makes them feel uncomfortable.  They think about their grandparents' retirement and they get anxious because, years ago, people didn't live as long, so they often died soon after they retired.

This was certainly the case for my grandfather, who focused his entire life on two things:  his family and his work at the post office.  Like many people, before he retired, he looked forward to the day when he wouldn't have to go into work any more.  

But, after he retired, he realized that he had a lot of empty time on his hands.  About a year after he retired, he died.  At that time, this wasn't surprising.  It was just the way it was for a lot of people.  But people are living much longer these days--sometimes 20-30 years beyond their retirement, especially if they're in good health.  So, it makes sense to make plans for your retirement.

Tips For Talking About Retirement

• Play with ideas:  If you know that talking about retirement will be a loaded topic, assuming you have enough lead time, I suggest that you approach it initially as "playing" with ideas rather than trying to nail down your plans immediately.  This can take a lot of stress out of it.  It also frees you up to throw out ideas and minimizes either of you becoming reactive.

• Don't be reactive and immediately find reasons to say no: After you've played with some ideas, focus on what you and your spouse agree upon first.   For instance, if you both agree that you'd like to move to a warmer climate, start with that.  Ideally, where would each of you like to go?  Don't get bogged down immediately by finding all kinds of reasons why you can't do it.  If you both have a strong desire to relocate to a particular place, you might find a way to do it with enough planning ahead of time.

• What lifelong dreams have you delayed that you might want to consider now? Are there things that each of you have wanted to do all your life, but you didn't because it wasn't possible at the time?  Talk to each other about what those things might be.  For instance, I knew a friend who had a lifelong career in finance, but he yearned all his life to be a teacher.  He didn't feel he could switch careers when he was in his 40s and 50s because it would have been a substantial decrease in income.  But when he was considering retirement, he and his wife decided that they could finally afford for him to take a job as a teacher because they could afford to live on the lower salary in combination with his retirement savings. Fortunately, he and his wife were on the same page about this.

• See a financial planner: A financial planner, who has expertise in retirement planning can help you and your spouse to plan the practical aspects of your retirement.  Before you see a financial planner, it helps to know what you and your spouse would like to do during your retirement years.  For some people, this might sound like putting the cart before the horse.  They might say, "Shouldn't we figure out how much money we'll have first and then decide what we'll do?" From my perspective, as a psychotherapist and not a financial planner, I would suggest that you both consider your desires for the future first rather than shutting down ideas because you think you won't be able to afford it.  If you look at the money first, you might automatically eliminate some of your dreams as out of hand without considering all of your alternatives.

• Stay open to new ideas: For instance, a couple who have jobs as a carpenter and a schoolteacher might look at their retirement savings and decide that there's no way they can maintain their current home in their neighborhood on the money they have saved, even though they might want to remain in that home.  But automatically eliminating that choice might preclude them from considering other alternatives--like the one of them might be able to start his own business and the other might be able to work part time.  Maybe this is an alternative they can both agree upon rather than closing themselves off to this possibility.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse have problems talking about money or communicating in general, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional.

Instead of going around in circles, seek help from a psychotherapist who has experience working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Resilience: Bouncing Back from Life's Challenges

I recently had an opportunity to talk to a close friend's 84 year old mother.  I'll call her Alice (not her real name).  Alice is one of the most resilient and optimistic people that I know.  She's an inspiring person to people who know her.  One of the most admirable things about Alice is that, despite the many challenges she's had in her life, she's always bounced back and learned from adversity. I wanted to hear from her how she remains so resilient and optimistic about life.

Resilience and Wisdom:  Bouncing Back

As I mentioned, Alice has faced many challenges and losses in her life, including the deaths of two her husbands, financial hardship while she was raising her children, and a bout with cancer when she was in her 50s (fortunately, she's been cancer free for more than 30 years).  So, it's not that she's led a charmed life at all. She knows what it's like to go through hard times.

When I asked her how she became so resilient, she laughed and had to think about it for a while.   Then, she told me that, from the time she was a child, her mother was a good role model.  She said that her mother, who raised five children on her own after her husband died when Alice was 12, always maintained a positive attitude about life.  

Alice said, "She always told us to take each day as it comes, neither dwelling in the past nor dwelling too much in the future."  This reminded me of the slogan from Alcoholics Anonymous about "one day at a time."  Alice told me that she felt many people spend too much time worrying about the "what if's" in life and worrying about "what might happen."  She said that one thing that she learned in her long life was that it makes no sense to her to dwell on regrets or, alternatively, to worry about the future.  She said, "Life is full of surprises that you can't anticipate, so why worry about it?"

Alice talked about living in the moment, another thing she learned from her mother, "No matter how busy she was, she would take a moment to notice things--whether it was the beauty of a flower or the crisp air of an autumn day."  She laughed and said her mother had never heard the term "mindfulness," but she was a mindful person who remained open to things around her, both positive and negative.

When she brought up regrets, I asked Alice if she had any regrets in life, anything that, if she could do over, she would.  She thought about it for a moment and then said that, for the most part, she didn't have regrets.  She felt that whatever experiences she had in life made her the person that she is and she learned from her experiences, so she couldn't regret them. 

Alice also told me that, after she was diagnosed with cancer, she became a lot more aware of her health.  She changed her diet.  She makes sure she gets plenty of sleep.  She also still walks 30 minutes every day to get exercise and fresh air.  She never smoked.  

One of the things I like most about Alice is that she has a great sense of humor and she's a great story teller.  Whenever we get together at my friend's home, Alice is usually at the center of the group telling stories and making us laugh.  She also laughs at herself.  She told me that she finds one of the best forms of "therapy" for her is watching funny movies.  Charlie Chaplin movies are among her favorites, especially because he combined humor with pathos.  

Another thing about Alice that impressed me is that she remains open and curious about life.  She loves to read, both fiction and nonfiction.  She's part of a book club in her neighborhood.  The people in the book club are a lot younger than her, but she enjoys their company and listening to their ideas.  She looks forward to learning and continuing to develop her mind.  And, she remains a very sharp and insightful person.

At the end of our conversation, Alice said to me, "Aren't you going to ask me how I feel about dying?" Her question surprised me, at first.  While it's obvious that someone in their 80s would have thoughts about death and dying, I hadn't planned to ask her about this.  She told me that she hoped she would live for at least a few more years in good health because there were still things she wanted to do.  Then she said, "But I'm not afraid to die. I've lived a good, long life.  What else could I ask for?"

We live in a time when our society reveres youth and beautiful appearances.  But I think we can all learn a lot from older people like Alice, who remain resilient, optimistic, curious, and open to life.   

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credit:  Photo Pin

Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

In my last blog post, I wrote about the importance of "unplugging" from electronic gadgets so that you and your spouse or significant other can spend quality time together without interruptions: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging to Spend Quality Time Together. But once you have the time without distractions, how will you spend that time so it enhances your relationship?  This is a question that many people ask, especially couples who have been in long-term relationships.

Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

When I work with couples in my psychotherapy practice in NYC, I usually recommend that they make sure to spend some meaningful time together each week and make it special in some way.  When you're in a new relationship and in love, this isn't a problem because every moment seems special.  It's new, exciting, passionate and fun.  But if you've been together for a long time, you need to make more of an effort to have special times together to keep the relationship alive and interesting.

Do You Remember Having Fun in Your Relationship?  
Many couples who come to see me tell me that they used to have fun together in the early years of their relationship but not any more.  There are lots of reasons for this, but one of the main reasons is that, after being together for a long time, people often take each other for granted.

When you're dating, you've got to make an effort to call, make a date, plan an activity, and get dressed.  You have the build up of anticipation before you meet. And then there's the emotional charge you feel when you get together.  But if you've been living together for 25 years, you usually don't have this build up to make things fun and exciting between you.  You've got to create special times.

Creating Special Times Together:
I knew a couple who were together, at that point, for over 25 years.  They had a big family and lots of friends who would often stop by.  But every Sunday morning they had their special time together without any distractions--no phone calls, no family or friends, no visitors.  It was strictly their time to do whatever they wanted to do.

Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

They might spend time in bed snuggling together, making love, reading to each other or listening to their favorite music.  Then, later in the morning, they would have their Sunday brunch at home complete with their favorite sparkling wine.  Nothing intruded on this special time they had each week.

Other couples have a date night each week where they go to one of their favorite restaurants.  Whatever  you and your spouse choose to do is up to the two of you.  It should be something that you both enjoy and that brings you closer together.

Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship

Sometimes, you might need to experiment and be open to new ideas.  One couple I know got very creative with role playing.  For instance, they got into the roles of two people meeting each other for the first time in a bar.  It might not be your "thing" to do, but it worked for them and spiced up their sex life after a period of several years of not having sex at all.

The point is to have at least some time every week when the two of you enjoy each other's company.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones to Spend Quality Time Together

It's so easy to underestimate the importance of spending quality time together in your relationship.   These days it seems that so many people are working harder and longer hours, and they're so much more accessible to their work relationships and other distractions because they don't take time to "unplug" from cellphones, iPads and other gadgets--even when they're, supposedly, trying to spend quality time with their loved ones.

The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones to Spend Quality Time Together

Relationships Need Nurturing

There's no substitute for spending time together, without distractions, to nurture a relationship.  Unfortunately, these electronic gadgets, which are such great conveniences in so many ways, can also become obsessive habits to the point where it's hard to "unplug" from them.

The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones: Relationships Need Nurturing

A friend recently told me that her husband responded to the "ping" of his phone while they were making love.  It completely destroyed the moment for her.  Needless to say, she got angry, and in their next couples counseling session she told her husband that he needed to learn to "unplug" from his Blackberry if their marriage was going to last.

Ingrained habits are hard, but not impossible, to change
"Unplugging" from electronic gadgets doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing endeavor.  You and your spouse can come to a compromise about getting "unplugged."

I also recommend being specific.  For example, if you hate the idea of your spouse responding to a cellphone while you're at dinner, but you can live with it while you're watching a sitcom together, tell him or her this.  Then, come to an agreement about it.  Or, if it's hard to find a couple of hours together on the weekend without distractions, plan ahead for this time and agree that this is "unplugged" time away from electronic gadgets and other distractions.  Expect that this might be a "two steps forward/one step backwards" process, especially at the beginning.  Try to be flexible while keeping your goal in sight.

If you're the person who is tethered to your electronic gadgets, expect that you might go through some "withdrawal" symptoms (obviously, nothing life threatening!) as you learn to have this "unplugged" time.  There has been research that has shown that people responding to "pinging" and ringing of electronic gadgets actually get a boost in feel-good chemicals in the brain.  This is one of the reasons why it's so hard for many people to get "unplugged"--it feels good.

For more information about the feel-good, dopamine, chemical that can make getting "unplugged" so difficult, see the Psychology Today article by Susan Weinschenk, Ph.D.:
"Why We're All Addicted to Texts, Twitter and Google"

Getting Help in Therapy
If you or your spouse are unwilling to spend any time "unplugged," there might be deeper problems in your relationship.  Sometimes, spending a lot of time using electronic gadgets (or watching TV or other distractions) can be a way to avoid each other.  If you can't resolve this issue on your own, you can benefit from seeing a couples counselor who can help you and your spouse to deal with this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship