Relationships: Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex?

As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in New York City, I see many clients, individually and in couples, who are too shy to talk to their spouse or their partner about sex.  Whether it's a heterosexual or gay couple, together for a short or long time, there are many couples where one or both people are too shy to talk about sex.  They have difficulty expressing, either explicitly or implicitly, what they like or their sexual fantasies.

Relationships: Are You Too Shy To Talk to Your Spouse About Sex?

Infidelity
Unfortunately, for many people, it's easier to go outside the relationship and have a sexual affair than to talk to a spouse or romantic partner about sex.  In many cases, people who find it easier to fulfill their sexual needs in sexual affairs find it easier because there is a lack of emotional intimacy.  No strings attached.  No emotional expectations.  If it's understood that the affair will never go beyond having sex, it's less threatening.  Whereas in a committed relationship there are all the everyday short term and long term obligations and responsibilities that can get in the way of enjoying sex for some people.

Making the Shift from Handling Everyday Responsibilities to Becoming Sexual 
For people who are too shy or uncomfortable talking to their partner about sex, it's often hard for them to go from handling daily responsibilities with their partner to becoming sexual in the bedroom.  Making the transition is awkward for them.  They feel embarrassed and nervous.

Relationships:  Are You Too Shy to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex?

This often leads to a decrease in sexual activity in the relationship as one or both people find reasons to avoid having sex:  They 're too tired, too busy, not feeling well, etc.  After a while, it can feel like they're roommates or siblings rather than a couple.  Resentment and misunderstands can arise, especially if one of the partners has a bigger sex drive than the other.

The Importance of Being Able to Talk About Sex
There are also couples who have difficulty talking about sex, but once they're in bed, the sparks fly.  They don't need to talk.  They communicate with their eyes and the rest of their body.  They fall into a natural sexual rhythm with each other.  So, who needs to talk if your sex life is going well?

The Importance of Meeting Each Other's Sexual Needs
But if you and or your partner can't communicate sexually either verbally or non-verbally and one or both of you feel like your sexual needs aren't being met in the relationship, you have a problem.  If you find yourself in this predicament with your spouse or partner, you're not alone.

The Importance of Meeting Each Other's Sexual Needs

There are many couples with this problem.  But, rather than doing nothing, you should seek professional help rather than allow this situation to develop into a long-term problem.  Trying to shove this problem under the rug won't make it go away.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are numerous reasons for the underlying possibilities that can cause this type of problem--too numerous to discuss in this blog post.  An experienced couples counselor or a sex therapist can often help you to overcome a shyness about sex.  You owe it to yourself and your relationship to get help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To  find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Forgive Yourself

Learning to forgive yourself is often more difficult than forgiving others.  Many people come to therapy because they're unable to forgive themselves and they're plagued by guilt and shame.  Even when they know objectively that there's nothing to be gained by continuing in self blame, they're unable to let go of these feelings--even when the other person (or people) involved have long since forgiven them.

Learning to Forgive Yourself

Is There a Part of You that Needs to Hold Onto Self Blame?

When a psychotherapy client is stuck in this kind of dilemma, usually, there's a part of him or herself that won't let go--that continues in this self defeating dynamic of self blame.  Regular talk therapy, although useful, often doesn't get to the core of the issue.  A person can get stuck in a loop of knowing that he or she needs to let go, but not being able to engage in self forgiveness.  

Clinical hypnosis in combination with "parts work" (also known as ego states therapy) can be very helpful to overcome this problem.   The combination of hypnosis and "parts work" allows the hypnotherapist and client to explore if there is an internal part of the client that feels the need to hold onto this self blaming stance and the reason why it feels this need.

In a relaxed hypnotic state, clients can sense into themselves and access unconscious information that is usually not available in their ordinary state of consciousness.

For instance, a client, who lied to a friend, could feel very ambivalent about forgiving herself for lying.  Even if her friend has forgiven her and she knows logically that it would be best to let it go, a part of herself might feel the need to hold onto the guilt and shame in order to make sure this doesn't happen again.  Once this is revealed in the relaxed hypnotic state, the therapist can work with this part to explore if there are other ways to handle this (other than continuing to feel guilty and engage in self recrimination) that will satisfy this part.

This is just one example, but there can be many reasons why an aspect of oneself can't or won't let go of self blame  Most of the time, these reasons are not in a person's ordinary awareness.   It's often a relief to discover, first of all, that there's an actual a reason why part of the self is having difficulty with self forgiveness.  And, more importantly, that there can be other options that don't involve continuing to blame oneself.

An Inability to Forgive Yourself Can Lead to Anxiety and Depression

All of this is not to say that if someone has engaged in a transgression that he or she shouldn't feel remorse.  It's a sign of health to feel remorse when we've hurt others (or ourselves).  But the kind of problem that I'm discussing is beyond that--it's when a reasonable length of time has passed and a person continues to blame him or herself.

In some cases, people can continue to blame themselves for over 20 years.  This is usually debilitating to one's sense of self and can get in the way of maintaining important relationships.  For some people, their inability of forgive themselves causes them to isolate themselves from loved ones.  It can lead to anxiety or depression.  For some people, it can lead to abusing alcohol or drugs as a maladaptive way to soothe their emotional pain.

Getting Help in Therapy

If an inability to forgive yourself has you feeling stuck, you owe it to yourself to seek professional help from a licensed mental health practitioner, preferably a hypnotherapist who can help you to overcome this problem.  Many people find it so freeing to let go of the self blame that had been weighing them down so they can move on with their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I also provide dynamic talk therapy in a supportive and empathic environment.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

  

Arguments with Your Spouse Can Trigger Old Emotional Wounds from Childhood

It's not at all unusual for arguments with a spouse or romantic partner to trigger old emotional wounds from childhood.  Without even realizing it, we can become so emotionally triggered that we can surprise even ourselves with our out of proportion responses.  Old, unresolved wounds are often just under the surface and when we're triggered, we often don't even know it.  Later on, when we're calmer, we might reflect that our responses were emotionally over the top, and wonder how and why we could have become so upset over something that we realize, once we can be more objective, didn't warrant this kind of upset.

Arguments With Your Spouse Can Trigger Old Emotional Wounds

I'm not referring to the occasional loss of temper that we experience when we're too tired, hungry or overwhelmed by stress.  What I'm referring is a consistent pattern of emotional upset that we wonder about when we've had a chance to calm down and we ask ourselves, "Why did I get so upset over that, when it wasn't really that important?" It can leave us feeling embarrassed, perplexed and confused about ourselves.

When this dynamic occurs fairly consistently, it's often a sign that old emotional wounds from childhood are being triggered.  In other words, we're not just responding to the situation at hand.  The magnitude of our emotions are often being fueled by unresolved childhood issues from our families of origin.

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates this phenomenon:

Alice:
Alice, who was in her late 30s, was normally a calm and rational person most of the time.  But whenever she and her husband, Ed, got into an argument where he had problems seeing her point of view, she became enraged.  It didn't matter if they were talking about money, politics, or where to vacation.  If Alice felt that Ed was unable to understand her perspective, she became livid.  She would lose her temper and feel out of control.  Sometimes, she felt so agitated that she could barely breathe.

Usually, after he had a chance to think about it later on, Ed would often come around to see Alice's point of view.  He still might not agree, but he could empathize with Alice's feelings.  He just needed a little time to reflect on it.  But this didn't make a difference for Alice.  Once she became enraged, she might take a few hours or even a whole day to calm down.  Before that, she couldn't even hear what Ed had to say.

Needless to say, this dynamic had a big impact on their marriage.  After the first year of enduring Alice's strong emotional reactions, Ed told Alice that he didn't want to live this way and if she didn't get help, he might leave the marriage.

Even without the possibility of Ed leaving, Alice would often realize after she calmed down that her emotional reaction to their argument was over the top.  But she didn't know what to make of it or what to do.  After she sought help in therapy, it soon came apparent that these disagreements with her husband were triggering old, unresolved emotional wounds from her family.

As we explored Alice's emotional build up during a recent argument with her husband, we slowed everything down so Alice could experience how her emotions escalated to such a point.  I asked her to identify the feelings she was experiencing in her body.  As she sensed into her body to feel what was going on for her, she realized that whenever Ed didn't understand what she was trying to tell him, she erupted in anger, but the anger masked a lot of fear.

Using clinical hypnosis, we were able to trace that fear back to a time when she was four years old.  Her father, who was a severe alcoholic and often in a drunken stupor, was too drunk to understand what Alice would try to tell him.  At the time, her mother was in denial about the severity of the father's alcoholism, so she would leave Alice alone with him whenever she visited her mother across town.

On one of those occasions, Alice's father left a pot of water boiling on the stove, and then he fell asleep in a drunken stupor.  Alice smelled something burning, ran into the kitchen, and saw the pot burning.  But when she tried to wake up her father, she couldn't get him up.  He was so groggy that he couldn't understand what she was saying and pushed her away.  She was terrified.  But fortunately, she ran to the neighbor next door, who called the fire department.  Soon after that, the Bureau of Child Welfare got involved and provided services to Alice and her family.

The hypnosis allowed Alice to connect her current emotional reactions to the earlier ones.  She was able to see that the emotions connected to this memory, which she had never forgotten and was accessible to her even before we did hypnosis, got triggered whenever she had an argument with her husband were she felt he didn't understand her.

We were able to work on this memory, which was representative of many similar memories, so that Alice could overcome her unresolved trauma and no longer get triggered in her marriage.  It took a lot of work, but she was relieved to have some explanation as to why she was overreacting with her husband.

I want to be clear that, in this example, I'm not referring to "recovered memories," which can be inaccurate and misleading.  I often get calls from people who sense they might have been sexually or physically abused and they hope that hypnosis will give them the answer.  What I usually tell them is that memory can be very tricky.  It's not like hypnosis enables you to be able to recover information like  picking out a file from a file drawer.

The memory that I'm referring to in this example is a memory that Alice had been well aware of before we began using hypnosis.  The difference is that she never connected her childhood trauma with her current dynamic with her husband.  Once we were able to work through the childhood trauma, Alice was no longer triggered in her current life, which was a tremendous relief.

Getting Help

Often, in our ordinary consciousness, we're not able to make these connections.   When you work with an experienced hypnotherapist, you enter into a state of deep relaxation which allows you access to your unconscious.  In that state, you can make connections that are usually not available to you in ordinary consciousness.

As I've said many times before in other blog posts, you're in complete control at all times with clinical hypnosis.  People who have been traumatized are often afraid of not being in control, and their notions about hypnosis are derived from stage hypnosis, which is nothing like clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy).

I recommend that, if you're considering clinical hypnosis that you only see a licensed mental health professional who is a hypnotherapist rather than seeing a non-clinician who might have some training in   hypnosis but who has no clinical skills.

It's possible to free yourself of trauma or old emotional wounds that can get triggered in your current life.  Transcending old emotional wounds can make a big difference in the quality of your life and the lives of your loved ones.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

Overcoming feelings of inadequacy can be very challenging, especially if you've been feeling this way for many years.  There can be many causes for feeling inadequate, including early childhood trauma, an abusive spouse, a boss who is a bully, and so on.

Often, people who are feeling inadequate know in their rational minds that there is no objective reason for feeling this way.  I've had clients, who are quite accomplished and who are looked up to by many others, who still feel inadequate.  They might hide it well when they're around other people, but deep down inside, they still feel worthless.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

Talking about it in therapy often goes nowhere.

People who feel inadequate can often identify what triggers their feelings of inadequacy and even pinpoint early trauma that precipitated their feelings of worthlessness.

But this is often not enough to help them overcome their negative feelings about themselves.  If anything, it's usually very frustrating because then they wonder, if they can see objectively that there is no rational reason for their feelings, why they still persist in feeling this way.

I was originally trained as a psychoanalyst.  I still love psychoanalysis and, when clients come to me requesting psychoanalysis, I work in a contemporary, dynamic way (as opposed to classical psychoanalysis).

But I've found, over the years, that psychoanalysis and regular talk therapy is often not sufficient, by itself, to help clients overcome feelings of inadequacy.

I have found over the years that mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing are much more helpful to overcome feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

These mind-body oriented psychotherapies help clients to access their strengths and power to heal in a much more profound and effective way.

Getting Help in Therapy
To find out more about EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis, you can go to the following professional websites:

Clinical Hypnosis:  http://ASCH.net
Somatic Experiencing:  http://traumahealing.com
EMDR: http://EMDRIA.org

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, who is certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Clinical Hypnosis and Hypnoprojectives to Overcome Problems

Clients often come to me with longstanding problems that they have been unable to overcome. Often, these clients have had many years of talk therapy.  They might have gained some intellectual insight into their problems, but the problems still persist.  They usually feel frustrated and discouraged by the time I see them.

Clinical Hypnosis and Hypnoprojective

As a therapist who uses mind-body oriented psychotherapy, I have discovered that using hypnoprojectives during clinical hypnosis often alleviates problems that have resisted change for many years.  A hypnoprojectives is a technique that is used in clinical hypnosis where a client, who is in a relaxed hypnotic state, can "watch" a movie or TV program in his or her imagination about a person who is very much like him or her with a very similar problem.  In this relaxed state, clients will often come up with creative solutions to their problems that they would never have come up with in their normal state of consciousness.

There is something about seeing a problem from someone else's perspective while in this relaxed state that allows a person to see the situation in a new way.  Also, being in a relaxed hypnotic state allows a person access to his or her unconscious where creative solutions often reside.

As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, clinical hypnosis is not magic.  It's not something that it "done" to you.  When you're in a hypnotic state, you are completely conscious of everything around you and in complete control the entire time.

If you're considering clinical hypnosis, always see a licensed mental health professional. There are many people who call themselves hypnotists who might be trained in certain hypnotic techniques, but they're not licensed clinicians.  If something should come up in the hypnosis that is disturbing, they will not know how to handle it, whereas a licensed mental health professional will be trained for these types of situations.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Book: "Almost a Psychopath"

I recently read Almost a Psychopath by Ronald Schouten, MD, JD and James Silver, JD.  Both authors have extensive experience working with psychopaths and "almost psychopaths."

 
According to Schouten and Silver, people who are "almost psychopaths" are individuals who don't quite meet the full criteria for being a psychopath.

In their book, they discuss in details how we can distinguish between the two, and they give many examples of people who are "almost psychopaths."

As a therapist who meets many different clients, it was fascinating to read about how common "almost psychopaths" are.

According to Schouten and Silver, they are all around us.  More importantly, they discuss what you can do if you are with someone who is almost a psychopath or if you recognize yourself to be in this category.

One important difference between a psychopath and someone who is almost a psychopath has to do with empathy.

Someone who meets the full diagnostic criteria for being a psychopath lacks empathy for the people that he or she hurts.

If this is a topic that interests you, either because you're with someone who displays psychopathic tendencies or you think you might be psychopathic yourself, I recommend that you read "Almost a Psychopath," which is an informative and interesting read.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.

My specialities include dynamic talk therapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

Several years ago, I was at a dinner party with friends and I met a couple who were friends of the hostess. The husband was talking about his position as a senior executive and telling us about the impressive cases that he had worked on.  

We listened politely and then I asked his wife about her work. As she began telling us about her business, her husband chuckled and said, "Oh yeah, Mary has her 'little business' that she runs from home.  It keeps her busy and out of trouble" (see my article: How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior in Relationships).

Mary looked mortified and she cut short her conversation, and soon afterwards she made an excuse to leave the party early.

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

A Pattern of Belittling Behavior
As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individuals and couples, I hear about covert belittling from clients often.  

When confronted about belittling behavior, people often deny that they meant any harm.  It can take a while before the person who engages in this type of belittling can see that it's offensive and hurtful to the other person.  

This is assuming that the partner who is being belittled is able to speak up about it.  Unfortunately, too often, the partner who is being belittled has endured these put downs for a long time, and it can take a toll on his or her self esteem.

At another social event that I attended, I heard a wife making negative comments about her husband's inability to fix things around the house.  She made her comments in a teasing tone, and when her husband got embarrassed and asked her to stop, she said, "Oh, don't be so sensitive.  I was only teasing."  

Apparently, she was either unable or unwilling to see that her comments were hostile and showed contempt for her husband.  Instead, she accused him of being overly sensitive, which only humiliated him even more.

Underlying Issues in Relationships that Cause Belittling Behavior
There is no one-size-fits-all answer as to why couples do this to one another.  In my experience, like most passive aggressive behavior, it's often due to underlying issues in the relationship that the couple is not dealing with directly. 

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

When I see a couple where one or both of them engage in belittling, I help each of them to see the dynamic and work towards changing it.  Most of the time, if the person who engages in this type of belittling has some degree of empathy, s/he will come around and recognize that these comments are hostile and abusive.

At that point, we can explore a more tactful and respectful way of communicating.  We can also get to any underlying issues that might be causing these types of comments.  Usually, the person who engages is covert belittling recognizes that s/he is really angry about something else about the partner.  Or, s/he is feeling insecure about him or herself.

Belittling Behavior Disguised as "Teasing"
Belittling behavior, whether it's disguised as "teasing" or innocent remarks, has the potential to destroy a relationship.

If you or your partner recognize this pattern in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from seeing an experienced couples counselor to help you both to learn to communicate in a healthier way.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples.  I have helped many couples to improve the way they communicate so they could have a happier relationship.

I specialize in working with clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and other mind-body oriented psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.