How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the problems many people have talking about sex and how to overcome these difficulties (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Sexual Needs Met

Even though many women are more assertive now about getting their sexual needs met as compared to the past, there are still many more who either don't know what they want or don't feel entitled to ask for it. They were never taught how to talk about sex--much less be able to ask for what they want sexually (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Many people--both women and men--still feel a lot of shame and guilt when it comes to talking about sex (see my article: Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

And many people believe that if you're in a relationship with someone, you don't need to talk about sex--they think their partner should just know what they need.  Needless to say, this often doesn't work.

How to Be More Assertive About Getting Your Sexual Needs Met

If you find yourself struggling to talk about your sexual needs in your relationship, here are some tips that might work for you:

• Identify and Write Down Your Sexual Thoughts: If you can't bring yourself to talk about sex, keep an erotic journal that's just for you.  Start paying attention to your sexual thoughts--no matter how insignificant they might feel to you. And if you're not having thoughts about sex, take some time to write about pleasurable sexual experiences you have had in the past--whether they're with your current partner or not (make sure you keep this journal private).  This will help you to develop a sexual awareness before you even attempt to talk to your partner.

Keeping an Erotic Journal

• Know Your Sexual Values: If you're not sure what your sexual values are, take time to think about this and do some writing to clarify your thoughts. If you need to feel an emotional connection with someone before you have sex, you can tell your partner and if they judge you, that's important information about whether you want to engage in sex with someone who doesn't respect your values. Likewise, if you see sex as a casual recreational activity, that's also your right and your partner needs to know that. You also need to respect your partner's sexual values, which is different from just going along with something that you don't want. You can respect someone's values at the same time that you tell them that their values don't match yours.  No one needs to convince or pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to do (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

Know Your Sexual Values

• Talk to Your Partner About General Sexual Topics If You're Too Uncomfortable Talking About Yourself: If, after you write down your thoughts in your erotic journal you're still not comfortable talking about what you want, talk to your partner about about sex in general. For instance, you could suggest that you and your partner watch a TV series about sex--like the Goop series on Netflix, Sex Love & Goop--where couples work with sex coaches and other sex experts on their sexual problems. It's usually easier to talk about sex when it's about other people on a TV program instead of talking about your own sexual experiences.  Or you and your partner can listen to a good podcast about sex, like the podcast that's hosted by Sex Researcher Justin Lehmiller on the Sex and Psychology podcast (he always has great guests and the podcasts are interesting and fun). Talking about a TV series or a podcast can help you to get started without the emotional vulnerability that people often feel when they talk about themselves.  This can help you to ease your way into eventually talking about your sex life with your partner. 

• Don't Be Critical of Your Partner: It's important that when you start talking about sex that you don't start out being critical. That will only make your partner feel defensive, possibly shut down the conversation, and make it difficult to bring it up again.  This is a suggestion from Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin in her book, Sex Talks: It's better to try to find something to compliment your partner about and then make a suggestion of what else you want. Start by validating your partner instead of launching into criticism. So, for instance, you might say, "I love how you kiss my neck and I'd also like you to ________ ." You can fill in the blank based on what you want (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Know Your Sexual Boundaries and Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: Women often feel they have to appease their partner by engaging in sexual acts they don't want to do. This includes women who experience pain during sexual intercourse who don't tell their partner and just grit their teeth and bear it. If you're having pain during intercourse, that's a problem and you need to address it with a sex positive gynecologist (and no, not all gynecologists are sex positive enough to understand and discuss sexual pain without being critical). Sexual pain can be caused by many different problems, so find a gynecologist who is knowledgeable and comfortable talking about it. After the gynecologist has diagnosed the problem, s/he might refer you to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist.  But being able to speak up about what you do and don't want isn't just related to pain. It could be related to engaging in a sexual act that isn't safe or anything else related to sex (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).

Know Your Sexual Boundaries

• Know What Feels Safe to You and What Doesn't: For instance, if a partner you don't know well asks you to have intercourse without a condom because he doesn't want to wear one, know that you have a right to set a boundary with that person for your health and well-being. Too many women acquiesce to men about condom use and end up with a sexually transmitted infection or become pregnant (or both).  Likewise, if your partner is mostly focused on his own pleasure and not yours, you have a right to say your sexual needs count too.  Don't settle for less (see my article: What is Sexual Health?).

Know What Feels Safe to You

• Know the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness: Women often confuse being assertive with being aggressive, especially if they're not used to looking out for their own needs--whether it's sexual needs, emotional needs or any other needs.  When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in an open, direct way without being disrespectful to the other person. You're not being critical or condescending. 

• Make "I" Statements Instead of Accusatory Statements: Part of being assertive is speaking from your own experience.  Instead of saying, "You're trying to pressure me into doing something I don't want," say, "If you insist on having sex without a condom, I don't want to have sex because I don't want to get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted infection" (or whatever the issue is).

• Avoid Risky Situations: Being impaired by alcohol or drugs makes it difficult to use good judgment or to think clearly about what you do and don't want. Misuse of substances can also embolden someone to force you to do things you don't want sexually, so avoid putting yourself in these kinds of risky situations, especially if you don't know your partner well (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex is often difficult for people to talk about--even within long term relationships.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a hard time talking to your partner about sex, consider seeing a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a sex therapist to work out the emotional blocks that are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt: Part 2

In my prior article, Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt - Part 1, I discussed how anger is part of healthy aggression and starts at birth.  I also discussed how problems develop when healthy aggression is short circuited at a young age and continues into adulthood.  In this article, Part 2 of this topic, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate those issues.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt 

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt
Beth began attending psychotherapy after she was passed over for a promotion that she felt sure she was going to get but didn't.  Instead, a colleague, Karen, who used Beth's ideas and presented them to their director as if these ideas were her own, got the promotion that Beth wanted so much.

Beth told her psychotherapist that other colleagues, who knew that Karen took Beth's ideas, told Beth that she should speak with her director and let him know what happened.  But Beth felt too uncomfortable doing that.  She didn't want to "make waves" at the office, so she remained silent.

Beth also told her therapist that other colleagues, who were on the same level as Beth, often dumped projects they didn't want onto Beth to free themselves up for more interesting projects--projects that Beth would like to work on but couldn't because she was weighed down with the less interesting projects.  Friendly colleagues urged her to speak up, but Beth said she was too uncomfortable to assert herself, so she did nothing.

She had been with her company for a little over a year, and she was aware that she was getting a reputation for being a doormat--someone that certain colleagues could take advantage of because they knew she wouldn't stand up for herself.

She was also aware that if she continued to allow others to take advantage of her, her situation at work would only get worse.  She told her psychotherapist that she didn't know how to change these situations, but she wanted to learn how to do it.

As Beth and her psychotherapist explored her family history, Beth revealed that she was raised by a single mother who controlled almost every aspect of Beth's life until Beth moved out five years ago when she turned 25.  Even now that she was living on her own, Beth said, her mother still tried to control certain areas of Beth's life.

She told her therapist that when she told her mother that she was moving out five years ago, her mother was upset.  Her mother told her that she could save so much more money if she continued to live at home.  Beth told her that she wanted to have her own place.  Her mother knew there was nothing she could to stop Beth, but she told Beth, "Okay, go ahead and move out, but you might not find me here one day.  I'm not going to live forever, you know."

Beth was alarmed to hear her mother say this.  She also felt ashamed of her desire to be on her own and guilty for hurting her mother.  This made moving out so much more difficult, but Beth knew it was time to be on her own.  She didn't know how she did it, but she found the courage to move out, even though she felt ashamed of her need to do this and guilty for hurting her mother.

As she recalled her childhood, she told her psychotherapist that she remembered so many other memories of her mother being very uncomfortable when Beth tried to be more independent--from the time she was a young girl wanting to pick out her own clothes to wear to her mother's dismay when Beth told her that she wanted to learn to drive when she was 17.

She told her therapist that her close friends from adolescence, who remained her close friends now, always urged her to stand up to her mother, but Beth felt too guilty to confront her mother.  She was so aware that as single mother, her mother sacrificed a lot for her.  She felt it would be a form of betrayal if she confronted her mother, and she knew her mother would see it that way too.

And, yet, there was another part of her that wanted to be able to stand up to her mother so she wouldn't feel so dominated by her mother.  She would often imagine herself telling her mother that she needed to feel more independent, especially now that she was 30.  But whenever she imagined speaking to her mother about this, she could see how hurt and disappointed her mother looked, and she felt she couldn't risk hurting her mother.  So, her dilemma remained (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Beth's psychotherapist listened empathically and understood that Beth was very ambivalent about what to do.  On the one hand, Beth wanted to feel more autonomous and in control of her life.  But on the other hand, Beth worried that she would hurt her mother.  She felt like she had to either choose to honor her own needs or honor her mother's needs, and she didn't know what to do.

Beth had a lot of insight into her problems, even before she came to therapy.  She knew that her problems with asserting herself were related to her lifelong avoidance of confrontations which were rooted in her relationship with her mother.  She knew, on some level, that she was suppressing her anger, but she couldn't feel it.  She was insightful, but she just didn't know how to make changes.

Listening to Beth, her psychotherapist recognized that there were times when Beth asserted herself, like when she moved out of her mother's place.  So she explained to Beth that everyone is made up of different, and sometimes contradictory, aspects of themselves.  And, her therapist explained, Beth had a part of her that knew how to assert herself--she just didn't know how to access this part of herself (see my articles: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation and Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

Using a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, Beth's therapist helped Beth to go back into the memories of the times when she was able to assert herself with her mother.  At the same time that her psychotherapist helped Beth to access that assertive part of herself, she also helped Beth to manage the guilt and shame that also came up.

Over time, Beth was able to access this more assertive part of herself on her own.  As Beth got more comfortable calling on this more assertive part of herself, her psychotherapist recommended that she practice using this in ways that didn't feel too difficult.  She taught Beth how to put her shame and guilt aside in order to assert herself in small ways at work.

Then, when Beth was more comfortable, her psychotherapist urged her to be more assertive in other more complicated situations at work--like when her colleague tried to use more of Beth's ideas and say that they were hers.  This was more challenging for Beth, but she did it anyway and felt good about herself afterwards.

Over time, Beth was also getting more comfortable and confident with presenting her ideas to her director, especially after she received very positive feedback from the director.

The most challenging ordeal was asserting herself with her mother, who would often come over to Beth's apartment unannounced.  One day, Beth's mother came over when Beth was having dinner with a man she started dating.  Her first inclination was to let her mother in, but then she realized that this would be awkward and it would ruin her date with this man.

So, gathering her courage, she told her mother that she had come at a bad time and she would call her tomorrow.  Her mother, who refused to accept that Beth was an adult--much less as a sexual being, got angry and she left abruptly.  After her mother left, Beth calmed herself and she went back to be with her date.

During her next psychotherapy session, Beth told her therapist that she was able to set a boundary with her mother, but she felt very guilty and ashamed.  She said that she almost called her mother the next day to apologize, but when she thought about how her therapist would respond to this, she decided not to do it (see my article: How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapist).

Beth's psychotherapist understood that there was still much unfinished business from Beth's early childhood, so she recommended that they use EMDR Therapy to work on Beth's unresolved trauma (see my articles: How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain and What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

Several months later, Beth was able to work through her childhood trauma with EMDR therapy.  She felt a lot of compassion for her mother, but she no longer felt shame for having her own needs or guilt for asserting herself with her mother.

She also continued to assert herself at work, and she was promoted a year later into a senior position with a substantial raise.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

Most important of all, Beth no longer feared her anger.  She understood that her anger and its related healthy aggression could be used to mobilize herself to be assertive (see my article: Using Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes in Your Life).

Conclusion
Fear of anger is often coupled with shame and guilt, and these problems are often rooted in early childhood when parents don't allow children to use their healthy aggression to be more autonomous in an age-appropriate way.

Without help, these problems continue into adulthood and usually have a negative impact on your career and personal life.

No matter what kinds of problems you might be having, like everyone else, in order to survive, you have positive internal resources, including various aspects of yourself that have helped you throughout your life.  You might not be aware of these aspects or, if you are, you might not know how to access them on your own to use them now.

Getting Help in Therapy
A psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis and a mind-body oriented modality, like Somatic Experiencing, can help you to access the positive aspects of yourself so you can overcome your problems(see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

In addition, EMDR therapy can help you to overcome unresolved trauma from the past that keeps you stuck now.

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional so you can overcome your history and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome problems that keep them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

In prior articles, How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior and How to Change Passive Aggressive Behavior, I discussed passive aggressive behavior in relationships.  In this article, I'm discussing how to deal with family members who make passive aggressive remarks and try to pass it off with saying, "I was only telling you for your own good" or "I was only joking."

What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior is a tendency to engage in indirect, thinly veiled hostile behavior.  This includes making insulting remarks, sulking, sullen behavior, stubbornness or delaying (or not doing) tasks that were agreed upon.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

The following fictional vignette illustrates how family members make passive aggressive comments:

Fictional Vignette: Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments:

Rita
Before Rita went home for the holidays, she told her parents and her younger sister that she decided to stop drinking because she realized that she was drinking too much lately.  She knew that her family tended to drink a lot during the holidays, and she didn't want to be pressured to drink, so she let them know in advance to avoid the pressure.

When Rita arrived at her parents home, her sister, Ann, opened the door with a cocktail in hand and told Rita to help herself to whatever alcoholic drink she wanted.

Feeling annoyed, Rita reminded Ann that she was not drinking.  Ann rolled her eyes at Rita, "Oh, you're not going to be any fun.  It's the holidays.  Everyone drinks on the holidays.  You can have just one drink, can't you?"

Rita ignored her sister, but her sister persisted by enlisting their mother, "Mom, can you believe Rita's not drinking?"

Their mother, who also had a drink in her hand, smiled, "Rita, don't be a bore.  Make yourself a drink."

Rita felt so angry that she was shaking and on the verge of tears, "For once, I wish you two would hear me.  I've been drinking too much lately and I want to stop"(see my articles: How to Cope With Difficult Family Visits and How to Cope With Getting Emotionally Triggered During Family Visits).

Ann laughed and waved her hand at Rita in a dismissive manner, "Don't be so dramatic.  I just want you to have a good time.  Don't take it so seriously."

Their mother joined in and said to Ann, "Rita has always been so serious.  Now, look at her long face."

When Rita angrily put her coat back on and started for the door, her mother said, "Oh come on.  You're not really leaving, are you?  I was just kidding."

But Rita was too angry to stick around, so she got back in her car and drove home with tears in her eyes the entire way.

During her next psychotherapy session, she spoke with her psychotherapist about her mother's and sister's passive aggressive comments and how much they hurt her.

Rita's therapist acknowledged that her family's remarks were passive aggressive and they talked about how Rita could deal with these kinds of remarks the next time that she visited her parents' home (see below).

How to Cope With Your Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments
The following suggestions can be used for anyone that you encounter who makes passive aggressive remarks:

• Stay Calm:  Although it can be difficult to stay calm when family members make thinly veiled hostile remarks, it's important to keep your cool so you can think about what you're saying and your response doesn't make matters worse.  If you can't stay calm in the moment, take a break and then speak to your family once you're composed.

• Confront the Passive Aggressive Behavior By Setting Boundaries:   While remaining calm, confront the passive aggressive behavior and set boundaries with your family. "Confronting" doesn't mean that you're aggressive or offensive.  It means that you're asserting yourself in a healthy way.  Why assert yourself?  If you don't your family members will continue to speak to you in thinly hostile ways.  In addition, if you don't address this behavior, their remarks might erode your self esteem.  You will also harbor unspoken resentments, which can come out in your own passive aggressive or sarcastic comments.  This only makes things worse (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries).

• Let Your Family Know What You Consider to Be Unacceptable:  Rather than hoping that your family will understand without being told, calmly and tactfully let your family members know what is and isn't acceptable to you.  For example, if your mother tends to make passive aggressive remarks about your weight, let her know that her remarks hurt your feelings and that you don't want to hear them.  She might respond by making another passive aggressive remark, like, "I'm only telling you for your own good."  But don't buy it.  While you're not trying to change her, you need to stick up for yourself.  Be very clear and specific about the type of topics that you don't want to discuss and stick with it--even if you have to tell your family members a few times.

• Ask Them If There's Something They Would Like to Discuss More Directly:  There are often other issues brewing underneath passive aggressive comments.  Sometimes, it's completely unrelated to whatever they're saying to you.  They might still be angry about something that happened years ago and they're seizing on a passive aggressive remark to even the score--whether they realize it or not.  By offering to address whatever might be bothering them, you're letting your family know that you're open to hearing about things that might be bothering them that could be lurking underneath their hostile remarks.

• Have a Direct Discussion With Your Family Members and Clear the Air:  If your family is open to admitting that there are other issues involved, have a direct discussion and clear the air.  It's better to clear up old unfinished business than to continue to be subjected to passive aggressive behavior.

Conclusion
People who make passive aggressive remarks often don't know how to communicate directly, so they use an indirect and hurtful way of communicating, namely, passive aggressive comments.

Whether they realize it or not, passive aggressive remarks can be sadistic and hurtful.  These remarks often cause rifts in families.

You will need to assert yourself in a tactful and calm way to set boundaries.  This needs to be done in person--not by email, text or over the phone.  Anything other than face-to-face communication will be less effective.

Remember that you have a right to stick up for yourself.  You're not trying to change them.  You're setting boundaries, letting them know what's acceptable and what's not, asking them to respect your feelings and your wishes, and you're setting boundaries.

Getting Help in Therapy
Confronting passive aggressive behavior and setting boundaries with family members can be difficult, especially if there is a long history of problems.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help to address these issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you have been assertive and set boundaries with your family, you'll feel better about yourself and you will have grown in a way that you didn't think possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides integrative psychotherapy in a dynamic and collaborate way (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

One of the benefits of attending psychotherapy is that you learn so much about yourself, your relationships and the world around you (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).  Another benefits is that when you have a good relationship with your psychotherapist, you internalize your experience of your therapist.  I'm addressing this internalization process in this article and how it's beneficial to clients in therapy.

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

The relationship that you have with a psychotherapist is unlike any other relationship in your life.  Aside from the fact that you have a regular time and place that's just for you every week, the focus is on you and the changes you want to make in your life.

People begin psychotherapy for all different reasons.  Some people come because they have longstanding psychological trauma that's interfering with their life and they want to free themselves from the effect of the trauma (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma in Psychotherapy: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Other people are interested in personal growth or performance enhancement.  Their lives are basically going well, but they believe there are areas where they can improve either in their personal life or in their career.

Regardless of what brings a client to therapy, part of psychotherapy is a learning process.  While it's not the same as being in a classroom, a skilled therapist will provide clients with psychoeducation about the therapeutic process as well as ways that clients can improve their life (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

In addition to psychoeducation, clients also internalize their experiences of their psychotherapists and, it's a good match, the client benefits from this process.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette which illustrates how this internalization process in therapy usually works:

Fictional Vignette: How Clients Internalize What They Learn in Psychotherapy:

Jack
Jack started therapy because he was having problems setting boundaries with his mother, and it was affecting his relationship (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere With Your Relationship).

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

The main problem was that Jack, who was in his early 30s, had problems setting limits with his mother, who continually attempted to interfere in Jack's relationship with his girlfriend, Cathy.

Even though Jack didn't like that his mother constantly interfered in their lives, he didn't know how to talk to his mother about this, which annoyed Cathy.

Whenever Jack and Cathy came home from a visit to see his mother, Cathy would be fuming and Jack would feel ashamed that he couldn't bring himself to talk to his mother about her constant interference.

Jack and Cathy were talking about getting married, but Cathy told him that she didn't know if she could handle his mother's constant interference, which she assumed would only increase if they were married with children.  So, Jack knew he needed to address his fear of asserting himself with his mother because if he didn't, his relationship with Cathy might end.

Jack told his psychotherapist that he didn't experience any major trauma or loss as a child.  He described a fairly stable family.  He was the younger of two sons who grew up on the Upper West side of Manhattan.

The one issue that was constant throughout his life was that his mother tended to dominate everyone's life in the family.  She was also highly critical and she would give many reasons why she thought Jack and other family members were "wrong" and she was "right."

Jack's father was happy to allow the mother to control the family finances and to have the final say on all major family decisions.  His mother also became the family matriarch for her siblings after their mother died, so she was used to being in charge.

Jack's brother, Ted, resented the mother's domineering personality.  He and the mother would constantly argue.  By the time Ted left for college, he and the mother were barely speaking.  Once Ted graduated college, he moved out with his college roommates and only came to visit on holidays.  Even now, Ted's relationship with the mother was strained.

Jack quietly observed his older brother's relationship with their mother, and witnessing their battles left him feeling even more intimidated about being assertive with his mother.

As Jack and his therapist worked together, he realized that his mother's attitude that she "always knew best" undermined his self confidence and left him feeling that she was probably "right" so he couldn't assert himself.

Since the holidays were coming up, Jack told his therapist that he dreaded having to tell his mother that he and Cathy would be there for Christmas day, but they were spending Christmas Eve with Cathy's family.

On the one hand, he knew his mother would be upset.  On the other hand, he knew that Cathy would be angry if he tried to convince her to spend part of Christmas Eve at his parents' home just to appease his mother.  He told his therapist that he didn't blame Cathy.  He blamed himself.

Jack acknowledged that he thought the way that he and Cathy decided to split the time between their families was fair, but he didn't know what to say to his mother.  He feared alienating her.

Jack's therapist suggested that they use Ego States Therapy to see if there was a part of him that felt courageous enough to stand up to his mother (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are and How Your Shifting Self States Can Affect You For Better or Worse).

So, while Jack was in a relaxed state, his therapist asked him to remember a time when he stood up for himself.

At first, Jack couldn't think of anything, but then he remembered a time when he was a teenager and he stood up to a bully in high school who was bothering Jack's best friend.  At the time, Jack surprised himself by confronting the bully, telling him to back down and watching the bully defer to Jack and walk away.

Jack told his therapist that it felt good to remember how courageous and powerful he felt that day.  His therapist told him that she noticed that when he talked about standing up to the bully that his demeanor changed--his eyes were shinning with pride, he sat up straighter and his chest was out.  Even his voice was different--it was stronger with a confident tone.

When his therapist asked Jack to stay with that feeling and enhance it by seeing what else he was feeling, Jack said he was feeling much more powerful than how he felt before he recalled this memory.

Jack's psychotherapist explained to him that this courageous part was an aspect of himself and that they could continue to work to enhance that part.  She also asked Jack to keep a journal to write down every time he was aware of accessing this courageous part of himself in his daily life.

As Jack worked in therapy to enhance the courageous part of himself, he noticed a shift in how he was feeling.  Between sessions, he remembered his therapist's words about how he could continue to work between sessions to strengthen this aspect of himself, and these words encouraged him to continue to work at it.  Remembering his therapist's words was part of his internalization process of his therapist.

As the holidays got closer, Jack continued to talk to his therapist about how he could deal with his mother's insistence that he and Cathy come on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

Even though Jack was feeling more confident about it, he still struggled with ambivalence.  He told his therapist that he wasn't sure if he was ready to stand up to his mother, and he wondered if maybe he and Cathy could go along with his mother's wishes just this one time.

His psychotherapist responded by telling Jack that if he didn't assert himself this time, based on what he told her about how Cathy felt, he might be endangering his relationship, aside from continuing to make himself small by always acceding to his mother's demands.

When his mother called Jack to finalize the details of the holiday plans, before he responded to his mother on the phone, he summoned that courageous part of himself that he worked in therapy to enhance.  He also remembered what his psychotherapist told him.  Not only did he remember his therapist's words, he also felt, in a way, that she was with him, as if she were standing beside him and encouraging him.

Accessing the courageous part of himself and his sense of his psychotherapist, he told his mother what he and Cathy decided about the holidays.

At first, there was silence.  Then, his mother protested that she expected them to come to the house on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and she wouldn't hear of anything different.  Jack responded by standing his ground.  He told his mother that he didn't want to argue with her about it, but he and Cathy had an obligation to Cathy's family too and they already made their plans.

His mother sounded surprised and unhappy, but she told him that he and Cathy should do whatever they wanted to do.

When Jack returned to his next therapy session, he told his therapist how proud he felt that he asserted himself with his mother.  He also said that Cathy was happy and gave him a big hug after the phone call with his mother.

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

Jack told his therapist that he intentionally summoned his the courageous part of himself because this is what he and his therapist planned when they discussed talking to his mother about the holiday.  But he was surprised that he had such a strong sense of his therapist while he was talking to his mother.

His therapist told Jack that this is common in therapy: Clients internalize their psychotherapists on an unconscious level so that, at various times, they get a sense of what their therapists would say or do in a particular situation and they're able to use that to deal with the situation.

She also explained that sometimes this phenomenon occurred without an idea of what the therapist might say or do--it was more of a feeling.  She said Jack that this seems to be what happened with Jack at the point when he was facing the challenging situation with his mother.

Jack continued to work on asserting himself with his mother.  He was tactful and respectful with her, but he also stood his ground.  Whenever he needed to, he called on the courageous part of himself and his internalized sense of his psychotherapist to help him.  Over time, his mother resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to be able to dominate him anymore.

Conclusion
In the vignette above, the psychotherapist helped Jack to access a courageous part of himself through Ego States therapy that he was barely remembered before he started therapy.  He was able to recall, enhance and use this part of himself to overcome his problem.  In addition, since Jack and his therapist had a good rapport, he was also able to access his internalized sense of his therapist to help him.

No matter what the issue, most clients, who have a good rapport with their therapists, experience this internalization of their therapists and they are able to use it to make changes in their life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Clients are often surprised by what they learn and how they change in therapy.

Part of the learning involves an internalized sense of their psychotherapist.  Whether it's a conscious sense of what the therapist might do or say in a particular situation or a more general sense, this helps the client to deal with difficult situations.

For many clients, this internalized sense of the therapist helps so they don't feel alone with their problems.

If you've been struggling with problems that you've been unable to overcome on your own, you owe it to yourself seek out a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you're free from the obstacles that have been in your way, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works collaboratively with clients and uses an integrative approach in therapy to develop the treatment plan that works best for each client (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself

As children, many people are taught that they have to put others before themselves, even when it's to their own detriment.  Growing up with this perspective makes it difficult as an adult to be assertive because to put yourself first feels like you're being a "bad person" (see my articles: Assertiveness: Learning to Say "No").

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself?

No one wants to feel that they are a mean or hurtful person, but there also needs to be a way for people to take care of their own well-being while also considering others.

When there's a pattern of putting other people's feelings and well-being above your own, you often feel conflicted about what to do when a situation arises where there is a conflict between what you need and what the other person needs.

If you are stuck in this pattern, as a way to avoid feeling the conflict, you might numb yourself emotionally so that you tell yourself that you don't know what you want or need (see my article: Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

For many people that feels preferable than to say "no" to someone else.

This often leads to many unhappy consequences and overall avoidance of possible conflictual situations.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario that demonstrates these dynamics:

Gina
Gina grew up in a home where her parents taught her that it was "always better to give than to receive."

During the Christmas holidays, Gina's parents encouraged her to give whatever gifts she received to the local children's donation center.  After a while, Gina unconsciously taught herself to stop wanting toys because she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep them.

Her parents also taught her that she should always put other people's needs first before her own.

Later on as an adult, Gina had a hard time saying "no" when she really didn't want to do something. People who knew her knew that she would always say "yes" and they made many demands on her.

As a result, she often felt bombarded by the many requests that she received from others and exhausted by her own internal conflicts about it.

She felt guilty and like a "bad person" for even having internal conflicts about not wanting to agree to her friends and family's demands.  She felt that a good person would gladly do for others without feeling conflicted.

The result was that, even though she tried to avoid feeling like a "bad person" by complying with others' demands, she still felt like a "bad person" for even having negative thoughts about it (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Gina's internal turmoil developed into medical problems, including frequent headaches and stomach problems.  Being sick was the only time that Gina felt it was alright to turn down other people's requests.

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself?

At the time, Gina didn't understand the mind-body connection and how her body was telling her that there was a problem with the way she was sacrificing herself for other people (see my article:

When her doctor eliminated any physical reasons or why Gina was having headaches and stomach problems, she recommended that Gina seek help in therapy to understand if there were emotional issue that were contributing to her medical problems (see my article: Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Although the connection between the mind and the body was a new concept for Gina at the time, she listened to her doctor and sought help in therapy.

In therapy, Gina began to make connections between what she was taught as a child and her current problems as an adult.

This was the first time that she was able to say out loud that she was tired of acceding to others' demands all the time, but she felt it was the "right thing" to do.  She was in such anguish about this conflict that she didn't know what to do.

Her therapist helped her to look at her dynamic as if she was someone else.  In other words, would Gina feel this way if her best friend told her about this same problem.

Being able to externalize the problem was helpful to Gina, and she agreed that she would not think her best friend was a "bad person" if she said "no" to someone in order to take care of herself.

Even though Gina was able to see the distortion in her thinking, her childhood upbringing still had a powerful hold on her.

Over time, Gina was able to see that how self destructive this distortion was for her health and overall well-being.  She also saw that she was unconsciously somatizing her problems (getting sick) in order to avoid doing things she really didn't want to do, and this wasn't a good solution to her problems.

Gradually, Gina practiced saying "no" in situations with people who weren't close to her for small issues.  At first, this was very uncomfortable, but Gina knew that she needed to do this for herself.

Gina and her therapist also did trauma work for the unmet needs of her younger self, the child who learned to sacrifice at too young an age.

Gina understood that her parents were well meaning, but their beliefs were harmful to her, and she needed to develop her own beliefs as an adult.

As Gina continued to practice asserting herself, over time, she got more comfortable with it and she no longer felt like a "bad person."

She also felt more alive emotionally and physically and more aware of what she really wanted and didn't want.

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself?

When she did do things for other people willingly and without undue sacrifice to herself, she did these things with more joy.

Conclusion
Underlying many people's inability to assert themselves is a fear of being a "bad person."

This belief is often internalized at a young age and hard to overcome on your own.

The conflict between not wanting to acceded to someone else's wishes and feeling like a "bad person" is often very difficult to bear and many people unconsciously numb themselves to their own desires as a way to not dealing with the conflict.

Due to the mind-body connection, unresolved emotional problems can develop into medical problems, like headaches, high blood pressure, and other medical issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting to the root of the problem is the first step in overcome a problem with being assertive.

Working on the underlying emotional trauma is usually necessary so that it doesn't keep getting in the way of your making healthy changes.

When you're ready, taking action is the next step to learn how to be assertive in a healthy way.

If you have trouble asserting yourself, rather than continuing to struggle on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the underlying issues so you can begin to take care of yourself and lead a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship

There's no such thing as "a perfect friendship."  Most friendships have their ups and downs, and most people make allowances for friends who might be difficult at a certain point because they're going through a difficult time.  

But if you have a friend who is generally difficult and who causes you a lot of stress most of the time, you might want to re-evaluate your friendship in light of the emotional or physical toll it might be having on you.

Letting Go of ab Unhealthy Friendship

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Sally and Nina:

Sally and Nina were friends in college.  Even though she really liked Nina and she thought Nina was a fun and interesting, Sally found Nina difficult at times when they were in college because she felt that Nina tended to be selfish.

There were times when they made plans that Nina would break if a young man that she liked asked her out.  There were also times when Nina would forget to pay Sally back when she borrowed money from Sally.  

At the time, Sally didn't know how to talk to Nina about these incidents, so she didn't say anything about it.  But, afterwards, she felt badly about herself for not speaking up.  She also realized that she felt highly ambivalent about the friendship and she wondered why she remained friends with Nina.

After they graduated from college, Nina moved back to California and Sally moved to NYC.  They kept in touch for a while, but then they gradually lost touch with one another.

Then, several years later, Nina emailed Sally to let her know that she was moving to NYC for a new job, and she wanted to reconnect with Sally.

When Sally got Nina's email, she cringed.  She considered what she wanted to do and she decided that she would meet Nina for a drink and see whether Nina had changed in the intervening years.

A couple of hours before Sally and Nina were supposed to get together, Nina texted Sally to let her know that she had to cancel because she wanted to get together with a friend of a friend who could be helpful to her.  Nina explained that she thought this person could be someone who could help her to advance in her career and, since this person was available, she wanted to meet with her as soon as possible.  Nina made her apologies, she hoped they could get together another time, and told Sally that she hoped Sally would understand.

Sally didn't have a lot of spare time, and she set aside the time to see Nina.  When she got Nina's email, Sally realized that Nina had not changed, and she decided that she didn't want to reconnect with her.  

Put Things in Perspective and Get Clear on What's Bothering You About Your Friendship

Try to get clear on what's bothering you about this friendship.

Think about particular instances when you felt uncomfortable, hurt or annoyed and weigh this against what your overall feeling about the friendship.

This isn't a matter of keeping a strict account of what you've done for your friend and what your friend has done for you.  It's more a matter of putting things in perspective.

Consider Whether You and Your Friend Can Work Out the Friendship

There are times when sitting down and having a talk about what's bothering you can be helpful in resolving whatever the problem might be between you and your friend.

You might find that, even though it was obvious to you, your friend might not have realized that anything was bothering you.  If it seems like you and your friend can work things out, you can give the friendship another chance.

Is the problem related to something temporary that is going on in your friend's life or is it a more ingrained problem that is part of his or her personality, which is usually more difficult, although not impossible, to change.  

For instance, in the vignette above, Nina had a tendency to be self centered and unable to consider how her friend might feel.  Some people lack emotional intelligence or never developed good interpersonal skills to be able to maintain friendships.

Consider Whether This is Someone You Would Choose as a Friend Now
People change.  You might have changed.

There are times when you might have a long term friendship that no longer feels right for you, and you're aware that if you had met this person now, you wouldn't be inclined to form a friendship with him or her.

Consider  Whether  You Can Work Things Out and If This is Someone You Would Choose as a Friend Now

If you feel that the friendship is causing you a lot of emotional pain and you wouldn't be friends with this person if you were to meet him or her now, think about what this means for you:

• Why are you continuing to be friends?
• Are you avoiding ending the friendship because it would be uncomfortable?
• Do you feel it would be mean of you to end the friendship?
• Are you stuck because you don't know how to end the friendship?

Think About Whether You Can Have a Different Kind of Friendship With This Person?
There are different kinds of friendships.  There are close friends that you trust and you confide in, and there are some friendships that are not as close, but you might have a common interest that brings you together.

If you have a friendship that was once close, but it's a matter of not wanting to be as close to this person (and there are no major issues between you), consider whether you want to keep this person in your life as a casual friend rather than letting go of the friendship altogether.

Letting Go of Toxic Friendships
There are times when it's clear that a friendship is just too toxic for you and it would be unhealthy for you to keep this person in your life.

This can be difficult and sad. Sometimes, it's more difficult than going through a breakup in a romantic relationship.

There can be so many different toxic friendships and unhealthy situations, so it's hard to generalize in one blog article.

Depending upon the situation, try to be as tactful as possible in explaining that you wish this person well, but the friendship isn't working for you.

Try not to get into an argument, which won't be beneficial you or the other person.

It might not feel comfortable at the time to assert yourself and take care of yourself in this way, but remaining in a toxic friendship that is detrimental to your overall emotional well-being just to avoid the discomfort of ending the friendship isn't the answer.

Once you've let go of an unhealthy friendship, you might be sad, but you'll probably realize, in the long run, how much less stressful your life is and that you have more emotional and physical energy for other healthier relationships.

Also see my articles:  

Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal
Do You Feel Overwhelmed by a Friend's Problems?

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You Feel Mistreated, But You're Not Communicating How You Feel

Over the years, as a psychotherapist in New York City, I've seen many clients in my psychotherapy private practice who come to me to talk about how they feel mistreated by others, including spouses, children, other family members, bosses or coworkers:

"My husband takes for granted that I'll do everything in the house."

"My children don't listen to me and do whatever they want."

"My wife ran up my credit card again and now I'll have to pay it because she doesn't work."

"My boss expects me to work overtime everyday, even though he knows I have a family."

As I listen to clients talk about how they feel mistreated, I also listen to how they handle these situations and what unintentional mixed messages they might be giving to the people they feel are mistreating them.

You Feel Mistreated, But You're Not Communicating How You Feel

Ideally, in a perfect world, everyone would follow the Golden Rule and we would all treat each other the way that we want to be treated. 

But we live in an imperfect world and, at some point, someone is going to hurt your feelings, cross a personal boundary or do something that you don't like. Does that make it right? No. But when we're talking about a dynamic between two or more people, we need to look at our own behavior in these situations and how our behavior is affecting the situation:

• Are we setting appropriate boundaries with others?
• If someone has done something that we don't like, do we let him or her know in a tactful way?
• Are we able to assert ourselves appropriately in these situations?
• Are we telling them one thing, but secretly hoping that they will know how we really feel without our telling them?

If we're not communicating how we feel, we might be giving the other person the unintentional mixed message that it's okay to mistreat us.

The following vignette is a composite scenario of various cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jessica:
When Jessica began coming to psychotherapy sessions, she said she felt mistreated by her husband, her children and her boss. When she was growing up, she also felt taken advantage of by her parents.

She often felt sad and exhausted by the demands she felt others were placing on her. She talked about how her husband expected her to watch the children every Sunday while he went off to play golf with his friends. She also said that her teenage children didn't listen to her when she told them to clean their rooms. In addition, she felt that her boss loaded her down with his work, on top of her own work, and she often had to work long, tiring hours. She felt that no matter how hard and long she worked, the work was never done.

When we explored Jessica's family history, she told me that her parents expected her, as a child of nine or 10, to take care of the younger children while they went out to have fun. This happened a lot. She said she never felt that she was allowed to be a child herself because she had to help her parents take care of her six younger siblings and the work seemed never ending.

When we looked at the various situations where, as an adult, Jessica felt taken advantage of, it was interesting to explore how Jessica handled them. It turned out, much to Jessica's surprise, without realizing it, she was actually encouraging the very situations that she said she didn't want.

For instance, when we explored the dynamic between Jessica and her husband, she actually encouraged him to go play golf every Sunday and offered to take care of the children. But she secretly hoped that he would figure out on his own, without her telling him, that she really wanted a break most Sundays and would have preferred that he stayed home to help her. Not only was she not telling him how she really felt--she was telling him to go and not to worry about her.

As we looked at this situation, it was very surprising to Jessica. She realized that she was repeating an old pattern that began with her parents. That small child in her internal emotional world that felt taken advantage of by her parents was recreating the old scenario with her husband, but hoping for a different outcome this time. That part of her that was the small child secretly hoped that, without being told, her husband would see how she really felt. All of this was totally unconscious on Jessica's part.

Once Jessica realized what she was doing with her husband, she also realized that she was doing the same thing with her children and her boss. She realized that she asked her teens to clean their rooms, but she also gave them mixed messages by going ahead and doing it herself--and then feeling resentful about it. She wanted them to see how tired she was, without her telling them, so that they'd clean their rooms themselves. What she said and what she did were two very different things, and this created mixed messages.

At work, Jessica continually asked to help her boss. She never told him that she felt exhausted by her own workload--let alone taking on his work. But when she asked him for his work and he gave it to her, she felt resentful that he didn't see how tired she was. Once again, the small child in her internal world who felt mistreated as a child was hoping to be discovered and seen in a way that Jessica was not seen when she was younger.

It took a lot of hard work and practice but, over time, Jessica learned to assert herself in these situations. It was difficult for her at first, and sometimes she continued to give mixed messages. But as she worked in her psychotherapy sessions on her family of origin issues and we dealt with her inner child, who really was not seen when Jessica was younger, Jessica learned to say what she felt as an adult. And she learned to do it in a tactful way. She no longer kept her real feelings to herself hoping that others would see, without being told, what she really felt.

This was all new for Jessica. It was also new for her family and her boss, so they had to adjust to this new way of interacting with Jessica. But, overall, it worked out well.

It's important to remember that interpersonal dynamics involve two or more people. While the other people in the situation might not be emotionally attuned to how you feel, you might also be giving mixed messages without realizing it. Often, these mixed messages have to do with earlier unresolved issues from childhood that are operating in the situation without your awareness.

So, if you're feeling mistreated in a situation, before you blame the other person for it completely, it's worthwhile to look at what mixed messages you might be giving to the other person. And ask yourself if there might be a part of you, perhaps a younger inner child, who is secretly hoping to be discovered, seen and heard without your letting the other person know how you really feel. This doesn't take the other person off the hook for his or her behavior, but we can't control other people's behavior. We can only control our own.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you continually find yourself in situations where you feel mistreated or taken advantage of, it might be worthwhile for you to explore these issues in psychotherapy with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Assertiveness: Learning to Say "No"

Do you often find yourself in situations where you said "Yes" where you wish you had said "No"?

Do you feel you would be "rude" or "unkind" if you turned down other people's requests?

Are you able to say "No" in certain situations, but then feel you have to apologize or say something like, "I hope that's okay" because you're afraid that people won't like you if you say "No"?

Assertiveness: Learning to Say "No"

Do you avoid taking calls from certain friends or family members when you know they're calling to ask a favor of you that you know you either can't or don't want to do?

Do you agree to do certain things for people and then seethe silently with anger and resentment?

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, more than likely, you're having problems asserting yourself enough to be able to say "No."

Many people have problems saying "No." They feel uncomfortable and think it would be either too hurtful to the other person or they worry that if they say "No," they'll be seen as mean or uncaring. They often lack the self confidence to feel they are entitled to say "No." They will often go to great lengths to accommodate others to the detriment of their own health and well-being. Under certain circumstances, if they know that someone is about to ask them to do something that they really don't want to do, they might avoid that person, which causes other problems when that person feels ignored.

Although both men and women have this problem, it tends to come up more with women. Women are often raised to feel that they must accommodate others, no matter what the consequences are for themselves. In our society, women are also seen as the "nurturers," "caregivers," and encouraged to be "people pleasers," so there's often pressure to take care of other people's requests and problems.

Here are some typical examples of situations where people have problems asserting themselves enough to say "No." See if you can identify with any of them.

Scenario 1:
Mary is the second oldest adult child in a family of five children. She's also the oldest daughter. She and her brothers and sisters live about the same distance away from their aging parents. Whenever her parents need help, they call Mary. Whether it's a matter of taking them to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, helping them to set up their computer, whatever they need help with, they expect Mary to help them. Their way of thinking is that she's the oldest daughter and this is her role. Mary loves her parents very much, but she's often exhausted after a week of working full time and, as a single mom, taking care of her teenage children. She never turns down any of her parents' requests, but lately she's been feeling irritable and resentful whenever they call. She feels too guilty to say "No" or to ask her brothers and sisters to pitch in, so she seethes in anger instead. Lately, she's been having tension headaches, and during her last doctor's visit, her doctor warned her that her blood pressure was a little high and she needs to reduce her stress. She knows she needs to find a way to change the dynamic with her parents, but she doesn't know how.

Scenario 2:
Bob and Dan are colleagues in the same company. Over the years, they have become friends. Bob enjoys Dan's company and they and their wives often socialize on the weekends. Over the last few years, Dan has borrowed a few hundred dollars from Bob, but he hasn't paid him back. Initially, Dan was apologetic and said he would pay Bob back, but lately Dan has not mentioned the money at all. Bob is annoyed about this, but he tells himself that Dan has had several unexpected financial setbacks, so he doesn't want to ask him for the money. But Bob's wife recently lost her job and now they're trying to get by on just one salary until she can find a new job. Finances have been tight. They've had to cut back on certain expenses, like sending their daughter to the dance classes that she loved. Lately, Bob's wife has been pressuring him to ask Dan for the money he owes them. But Bob feels that if he asks Dan for the money, he wouldn't be a good friend. Then, one afternoon, Dan leaves Bob a familiar voicemail message at work, "I'm in a jam. I need to talk to you. Can we have lunch?" Bob recognizes the familiar words and tone as a sign that Dan wants to borrow more money. Rather than calling him back, Bob avoids Dan for the next few days because he doesn't know how he can say "No" to Dan's request, but he also knows that he can't afford to lend him any more money. So, he doesn't know what to do.

Scenario 3:
Nancy is a writer and she works from home. She loves her work and she has been getting more frequent and interesting assignments lately from her editor. Nancy knows this is a sign that her editor really likes her work and she is progressing in her career. She wants to continue to do well so she can get more of these types of projects. These interesting assignment also come with more stringent deadlines. She's disciplined about how she does her work at home and she has never missed a deadline yet. Her latest assignment has been the most exciting one so far. She knows it will be a challenge to get the piece to her editor on time, but she thinks she can do it if she stays focused. However, the problem lately is that she has an elderly next door neighbor who lives alone and who is lonely. She likes to "drop by" Nancy's apartment to chat. Nancy likes her neighbor very much and also feels sorry for her because her children never come to visit her. Sometimes, when she's coming up against a deadline, Nancy feels irritated when her neighbor rings her bell. Most of the time, Nancy lets her in and hopes that she won't stay too long. But lately, the elderly neighbor's visits have really been interfering with Nancy's work and she's afraid that she's going to miss her deadline for this new project. She doesn't want to hurt the neighbor's feelings, but she can't miss her deadline. She doesn't know what to do.

Scenario 4:
Alice has a stressful full time job. She and her husband are also raising three young children who are in elementary school. Alice is also involved in the PTA and other local community groups. Lately, several colleagues have been laid off at work, so Alice has been asked to take on additional work assignments. By the end of the day, after helping her children with their homework and putting them to bed, she's exhausted. Now that Alice is working longer hours, her husband has taken on additional household duties, including cooking, picking up the children from school, doing the laundry and grocery shopping. They have a good marriage, and he has always shared in household responsibilities. He's also working extra hours at work due to company cutbacks. So, they're both stretched to the max. One day, Alice receives a call from the PTA president, who tells Alice that she found out the school will be cutting out several after school activities. These are activities that parents and children have come to rely on. The PTA president is worried and upset about this. She has received numerous calls from parents who don't know what they'll do if these programs are cut. She tells Alice that, in addition to what Alice normally does for the PTA, she needs extra help over the next four weekends from Alice for a fund raising event so they can raise the money to save these programs. Inwardly, Alice cringes because she doesn't know where she'll find the time, but she's caught off guard and she says "Yes." After Alice hangs up the phone, she feels annoyed with herself for taking on this extra work. She also doesn't know how she'll tell her husband, who would have to take on even more responsibilities over the next few weekends because of this new commitment that she has made to the PTA president. She doesn't know what to do.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you or can you see yourself in similar predicaments? Can you think of other ways that each of these people can handle their situations where they don't have to compromise themselves or those close to them and where they can tactfully say "No"?

Fortunately, saying"No" in a tactful way is a skill that can be learned. If you have problems asserting yourself in similar situations, there are certain things that you can do to learn to be more assertive:

Talk to a trusted friend and ask him or her to do role plays with you where you can practice standing up for yourself. As a start, you can use the scenarios presented above and also come up with some of your own that are relevant to your life.

So, for instance in Scenario 1, you can practice how you can speak to your brothers and sisters to ask them to share in the responsibilities of helping your parents. You can also practice with your friend how you would talk to your parents to tell them that, while you want to help out, you can't always be available and explain the reasons why.

In Scenario 2, you can practice telling your friend and colleague, Dan, that while you empathize with his financial problems, you're also having financial problems. So, you can't lend him any more money and you and he need to work out a payment plan for the money that he currently owes you.

In Scenario 3, you can practice talking to your friend as if she were the elderly neighbor and tell her that, while you enjoy her company, there are times when you can't socialize with her because you have work deadlines that must be met. Suggest other times when you can get together to chat.

In Scenario 4, you can practice taking the time to think about what you'd say to the PTA president before automatically saying "Yes" and then regretting it. Since the person in this scenario was caught off guard, you can practice a certain technique that will give you time to think when you're caught off guard. This technique is restating the president's request in a tactful way ("So, let me make sure I understand what you're asking: You're asking me if I can spend about five hours each weekend working on the fund raiser? Is that right?") This gives you time to think of a tactful answer. After your friend, in the role as PTA president, restates her request, you can practice telling her that you can't help out this time because you're already over extended at home and at work. You can also practice stating what you can and can't do. You can also practice from the standpoint of having said "Yes" initially and then calling back the same day and telling her that you've thought about it and regret that you can't do it. This not an ideal way to handle this type of situation. Most of us like to honor our commitments most of the time. We feel that once we've committed ourselves that we want to be true to our word. While I'm not advocating that you go back on your word on a regular basis, there might be certain times when you realize that it's going to be impossible for you to fulfill your commitment. Of course, it would have been better not to have made the commitment at all. But sometimes we make mistakes and we have to learn, when the circumstances are not dire, how to handle these types of situations without feeling completely stuck.

Practice asserting yourself by saying "No" in real life situations that are not so emotionally charged for you.

For instance, if you normally accept every leaflet that people are handing out in your neighborhood, whether you're interested or not, because you feel sorry for the person giving out the leaflets, practice saying "No thanks" in a tactful way. Or if you have a hard time getting telemarketers off the phone, practice saying "Thank you, but I'm really not interested. I would appreciate if you would take me off your list."

Practice writing down in advance what you want to say before you say it.

So, if you have to call a friend to turn down her request, write down what you want to say to her. Of course, you're not going to read it to her, but it's helpful to have the words in front of you if you begin to stumble on the phone.

If you still have a hard time asserting yourself so you can say "No" or you have difficulty setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life, there might be other underlying emotional issues that practicing might not resolve. In that case, you could benefit from dealing with these issues in psychotherapy.

If you have a hard time asserting yourself, you're not alone. This is a common problem that many people have. It's important for you to know that you don't need to suffer in silence. And, remember that there's a big difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Being Assertive
Being assertive and standing up for yourself doesn't mean you're being aggressive. And, you can learn to develop the self confidence to become more assertive.

About Me

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to learn to assert themselves in healthy ways.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.