Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

In a prior article, Is Your Boyfriend Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With His Ex?, I explored this dynamic from the perspective of someone who is in a current relationship with someone who is still codependent with his ex.

I've also written other articles about codependency (see my articles: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First, How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin and Exploring Secondary Gains of Codependency).  In this article, I'm looking at the same issue from the perspective of the person who is stuck in a codependent relationship with his or her ex. 

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

We all know that breakups are hard, especially at the beginning.  They're even harder when codependency is involved.  Codependency can be emotional, financial, sexual or any other form of dependency that two people can get into together.

When two people have been codependent upon one another, it's especially difficult to end the relationships because neither person has learned to be independent.

This is often the result of childhood emotional neglect or abuse where emotional needs weren't met (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

This dynamic can also be the result of growing up in an enmeshed family that fostered codependent relationships (see my article:  Enmeshed Families and Shame).

For the person who is doing the "rescuing," s/he often believes that the ex can't survive alone.  Except in the most dire circumstances, this is usually not the case.  But it's a way for the "rescuer" to delude him or herself into thinking that s/he must remain involved, even if it's not a romantic involvement.

One of the problems with this is that the "rescuer" is so focused on the ex's needs that s/he doesn't look at his or her own needs to continue to be involved.  The "rescuer" looks like the "strong one," but s/he is just as dependent as the ex, if not more so.

Continuing to "rescue" the ex doesn't allow the "rescuer" to grow as an individual or to develop a new relationship.  And even if s/he does manage to get involved in a new relationship, the codependent dynamics with the ex can interfere with the new relationship.

This sets the stage for triangulation between the "rescuer," the new partner and the ex with all the problems engendered in that dynamic.

Often, this is a way of the "rescuer" from being fully committed in the new relationship.  Most of the time this isn't a conscious choice.  It's usually unconscious.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario and see how these dynamics play out:

Bill, Meg and Ellen:
After being in a tumultuous relationship with Meg for over three years, Bill ended the relationship with much difficulty.

Bill was exhausted from trying to help Meg through constant emotional crises, and he knew he couldn't remain in the relationship anymore.

Initially, when they met, Bill thought Meg was an intelligent, charming woman who "had it all together."  He admired her passion for her business and how knowledgeable she seemed about the industry.

But within a few months of their dating, Meg called late one night in tears to tell him that she was heavily in debt and unable to meet her basic personal or business expenses. She was crying hysterically and she didn't know what to do.

Bill was completely taken off guard because this was the first time that Meg had revealed that she was in trouble.  Before this, she had led him to believe that she was doing very well.  But in this phone call she told him that she was too ashamed to tell him, at first, that she was in trouble and it was now to the point where she might be evicted from her home and her office.

Bill helped Meg go through her bills, and he agreed to lend Meg the money to get on her feet, and Meg gratefully accepted his loan.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

Little did Bill know that this was the beginning of a slippery slope where Meg was in constant crisis and Bill was her "rescuer."

During the next three years, it was one thing after another:

• Meg was having problems with the IRS because she didn't file her income tax, so Bill paid for a tax accountant to bail her out.
• Meg had an argument with her mother, who had lent Meg money and now wanted it back, so Bill intervened as a mediator and paid Meg's mother back.
• Meg's top salesperson walked out on Meg because she felt that Meg was verbally abusive, so Bill intervened to smooth things over.
• Meg couldn't sleep at night, so she would call Bill at all hours of the night and he would calm her down.
• Meg went to the ER numerous times with chest pains and each time the doctors told her that it was anxiety and she should see a therapist, but she refused to get help in therapy and insisted each time that Bill accompany her, which he felt obligated to do it.

By the third year, Bill was emotionally and physically exhausted from all the chaos.  He knew that he was in an unhealthy relationship with Meg.  He pleaded with her to see a therapist, but she refused. She felt that all she needed was Bill.

He thought long and hard about breaking up with Meg, but he didn't know how she would get along without him.  Finally, he started therapy because he felt conflicted about whether to stay or leave the relationship.

Even though Bill wanted to focus on Meg, his therapist helped Bill to keep the focus on himself and his own need to be in this relationship.

At first, he was very uncomfortable looking at his own dynamics in the relationship.  He had been taught as a child that it was "selfish" to think about yourself first and that others should always come first.

Bill's therapist helped him to develop the internal resources before going deeper into his own personal history and how it affected him in his current relationship (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

When his therapist thought he was ready, she used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the Affect Bridge to help Bill make an emotional and physical connection to the current situation and his childhood history.

His therapist wasn't surprised when Bill discovered that he had a similar relationship with Meg as he did with his mother.

From a young age, Bill became a "parentified child" as his mother got into one crisis after another and Bill tried to help his mother overcome her problems.  It was as if he was the parent and she was the child.

It became very clear to Bill that he couldn't continue in his relationship with Meg, especially since she refused to get help, because it was affecting him physically and emotionally and it was a repetition of a childhood trauma.  So, he and his therapist talked about how he would end the relationship with Meg.

It took a few more months before Bill could summon the courage to tell Meg that he wanted to end the relationship, but when he did, Meg became enraged.  She was no longer the charming, loving girlfriend.  She became angry and vindictive.  She threatened to call his boss and tell him lies to get Bill fired.  She left voicemail messages on Bill's cellphone with all kinds of other threats.

Bill was shocked to see this other side of Meg, and he kept his distance.  But he also felt very guilty and wondered how Meg would get along without him.

In the meantime, he continued to see his therapist and worked on maintaining his resolve not to call Meg.

A few months later, Meg stopped calling Bill.  He was still worried about her, and he felt guilty, but he didn't call her.  Soon after that, he met another woman, Ellen, whom he really liked and began dating.

His relationship with Ellen was warming, loving and harmonious.  It had none of the emotional drama that was involved in his relationship with Meg (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Roller Coaster).

Even though he had not spoken with Meg in several months, Bill still wondered how she was doing.  Since Meg was no longer calling him and threatening, he thought it wouldn't be a problem to call her briefly to find out how she was doing.

His therapist was away, so he couldn't discuss it with her, so he decided to give Meg a friendly call.  But as soon as he got Meg on the phone, she began yelling and threatening him again.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

He told her that he had only called to find out how she was doing, but he was going to hang up because she was becoming abusive.

Then, Meg broke down in tears and told Bill that she was sorry for everything, that she was miserable without him, she was lonely and she had no one to turn to.

A few weeks later when Bill talked about this phone call in his next therapy session, he told his therapist how he felt himself irresistibly pulled in again, and he began to meet Meg for coffee to listen to her problems without telling Ellen.

But Ellen soon found out and she ended their relationship because he kept his visits with Meg a secret from her.  Bill pleaded with Ellen to take him back but, inwardly, he felt caught between his Ellen and Meg.  He knew that he loved Ellen and his relationship with her was a healthier relationship, but he also felt compelled to continue to help Meg.

Bill's therapist helped him to see his own codependent emotional needs at the point when he called Meg again, and he took responsibility for recreating this problem in his life.  He wanted to be with Ellen, but he just didn't know how he could "abandon" Meg (see my article: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough to Change Them).

After working on this issue for several months and working through the original childhood trauma with EMDR Therapy, Bill felt ready to let go of his role as Meg's "rescuer" (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?)

Deep down, he also knew that by continuing to bail her out of situations, he was enabling Meg to continue to get into one crisis after another and she would never take responsibility for her life.

After a few weeks, Meg's desperate calls stopped and Bill breathed a sigh of relief.  For the first time, he felt that, even though he felt compassionate towards Meg, he wasn't responsible for her and she would have to work out her own problems without him.

When he recontacted Ellen and told her about the work he did in therapy, she agreed to meet with him so they could talk.  After meeting a few times to talk, they started dating again and resumed their relationship.

Conclusion
The fictionalized scenario about Bill, Meg and Ellen demonstrates that the roots of codependent relationships are usually found in early childhood relationships.

This is often what makes these relationships so compelling--not only are you experiencing the emotions related to the current situation but, on an unconscious level, you're also experiencing old childhood wounds.

The combination of the conscious emotions and the older unconscious emotions can be very powerful.

This is why it's so important to work through the earlier childhood trauma--otherwise, you can get out of one codependent relationship and go right into another one without even realizing it.

It's not always obvious from the start of a relationship that it will turn into a codependent relationship.  Often, people put their best foot forward at the beginning and only later reveal their need to be "rescued."  And often you don't feel the need to "rescue"at the beginning of the relationship, but it can develop with time.

The most important step you can take, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, is to put the focus back on yourself and recognize how you're being affected by the relationship (see my article: Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

While it might seem that your partner (or your ex) is the "needy one," this is an illusion.  The person who is doing the "rescuing" has an emotional need to be in this dynamic just as much as the person who is living a crisis-oriented, chaotic life.

These relationships are often hard to let go of by yourself because the emotions can be so overpowering.

Even when you have managed to end a codependent relationship and you're in a healthier relationship, it's not unusual to feel compelled to go back to the former relationship or get involved with "rescuing" again.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience with helping people in codependent relationships, can make all the difference between remaining in an unhealthy relationship which is draining you emotionally and physically and living a healthier, happier life.

Getting Help in Therapy

Take the first step to get help by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome codependent dynamics.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age

In a previous article, I wrote about people who have narcissistic personalities (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age

In this article, I'm focusing on how narcissism develops in childhood.

No one is born with a narcissistic personality, although some children seem to be more vulnerable than others.

Children who develop a narcissistic personality are usually overvalued by their parents.

Rather than the parents expressing warmth and love, they tell their children that they're "perfect" or "the best" or "the most attractive" and so on.

This overvaluation is beyond just average complimenting or praising of a child.  It's usually ongoing, over-the-top and exaggerated praise about how special the child is compared to other children.

This exaggerated praise usually comes from parents who are themselves narcissistic and who want to feel that their child is "special."  Having a "special" child reflects on their own specialness.

Narcissistic personality isn't a monolithic diagnosis.  Individual children and adults can have varying degrees of narcissism.  Some are more grandiose with an inflated sense of themselves and others are more narcissistically vulnerable and easily wounded.

Like narcissistic adults, children who have narcissistic personalities are often charming, intelligent and creative.  They can be a lot fun--as long as they're getting their way.

They often have problems when they interact with other children when things don't go their way.  Having been raised to feel that they're entitled to special treatment, they can become enraged when they don't get it.

Since they're raised with an exaggerated sense of entitlement and, often, without a sense of empathy for others, they usually insist on having their way, even when it's to the detriment of other children.

The following scenario is a fictionalized vignette that illustrates the problems that children with narcissistic personality often have:

Anne
Anne was raised as an only child who was raised primarily by her mother.

Anne's parents were divorced shortly after she was born.  The father moved to the West Coast to take a job and only saw Anne when he visited NYC every few months.

Anne began having problems in school soon after she began Kindergarten.  Although she was intelligent, outgoing and charming, she often got into arguments with other children when they were playing.

How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age

Anne insisted on dominating the other children during playtime, and she would have temper tantrums when she didn't get her way or if she couldn't be the center of attention.

Anne's teacher, Sally, had a meeting with Anne's mother, Joyce, to talk to her about Anne's behavior.

Before Sally could explain the problem, Joyce began telling her how "special" Anne is and that it was important for Sally and the other children to recognize this.

When Sally tried to explain to Joyce that Anne wasn't learning how to interact with the other children because she was so insistent on having her way, Joyce had a hard time understanding why this was a problem, "Why not just let Anne have her way?"

By the end of the conversation, Joyce was angry and told Sally that Sally wasn't perceptive enough to see how special Anne is and Sally shouldn't be a teacher.

Soon after that, Joyce removed Anne from the school and decided to home school her.

Anne made some friends in the neighborhood, but she had a hard time keeping friends.  If she didn't get her way, Anne would argue or hit the other children until she alienated them.

Even though Anne spent much of her time alone and lonely, her mother continued to tell her how special she was and that if other people couldn't see that she was entitled to special treatment, it was their problem.

When Anne was 10, Joyce was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  She died within nine months of her diagnosis and Anne had to go live with her father, his second wife and their children.

Sad, angry and resentful, Anne didn't respond well to the boundaries and limit setting imposed on her by her father and stepmother.

When she was asked to do household chores, like the other children, she refused and got into power struggles with her father and stepmother.  She also showed disdain for her step siblings.

Her father and stepmother could see that Anne was suffering and that, despite her air of superiority, she was really a vulnerable, insecure child.

They decided to take her to see a child therapist, which also enraged Anne.

Initially, Anne refused to participate in play therapy but, after a few weeks, she allowed the child therapist to engage her.

Through play therapy, after several months, Anne began to learn to have empathy for others.  She also developed better social skills.

Her father and stepmother also met with the child therapist once a month to learn how to cope with Anne and how to enhance the skills that Anne was learning in therapy.

As Anne began to feel more comfortable in therapy, she looked forward to attending her sessions.  She also grieved for the loss of her mother.

At that point, Anne was back in school and attempting to negotiate relationships with other children, which was very difficult for her.

Her father, stepmother and child therapist knew that Anne had turned a corner when Anne found out that one of her classmates lost her father and Anne felt genuine concern for this classmate.  She went out of her way to spend time with her and comfort her.

Anne was also getting along better with her half siblings at home and accepting her share of responsibilities in the house.

By then, Anne was also making friends with other children in her school.  She still had to fight off the feeling that she should be the center of attention all the time and get her way.  But she was making progress and her father and stepmother felt hopeful for her.

Conclusion
Narcissism often develops at an early age as a result of one or both parents overindulging a child and giving that child an exaggerated sense of entitlement.

Narcissism isn't always apparent immediately because these children are often charming, intelligent and engaging--until they don't get their way or until someone disagrees with them.

A lack of empathy is the hallmark of narcissism, and if a parent raises a child to only think or him or herself to the exclusion of others, this child will have difficulty in interpersonal relationships.

With help, young children can change and develop empathy and a more realistic view of themselves and others.

Usually, the older the child, the harder it will be for the child to overcome narcissism, although for most children there can be improvement.

It's very important for parents of narcissistic children to, at least, participate monthly in their children's therapy.  Ideally, they would benefit from participating in their own therapy to understand their own narcissism and their need to overvalue their children as a way of inflating their own sense of self.

Getting Help in Therapy
It is much easier for a child with narcissistic traits to get help in therapy than it is for an adult with narcissistic traits.

Most adults with narcissistic traits don't ever come to therapy because they lack the self awareness to see that they're having problems.  They often assume that the people around them are the ones who have problems.

However, some adults with narcissistic traits come to therapy after they have sustained serious multiple losses, like the end of a marriage or the loss of close friends.

If you recognize yourself or your child from the fictionalized scenario above, therapy can be helpful, especially if you see a therapist who specializes in working with narcissism.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  
A Romantic Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Be Damaging to Your Self Esteem

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable

Infidelity is more common than most people think.

I've written about infidelity in prior articles.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

Coping With the Sudden Feeling That You Don't Really Know Your Spouse

When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission

Relationships: Coping With Infidelity

After the Affair: Can You Trust Your Spouse?

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable

In this article, I'm focused on the connection between infidelity and the need to feel desirable.

Esther Perel, a Belgium psychotherapist, who is a relationship expert, writes about this topic in one of her articles.

Most people seem to believe that infidelity occurs mostly because the relationship isn't working out.

But Dr. Perel's article highlights that infidelity can occur in an otherwise happy relationship, demonstrating how the need to feel desirable to someone new can be at the root of the infidelity, even when there aren't other problems in the relationship.

In many cases, the infidelity never becomes physical--it remains on the level of flirting either in person or online or sexting.  The spouse, who is involved in this type of interaction outside the relationship, often enters into a fantasy world with the other individual and, in that fantasy, he or she feels desirable.

This feeling of being desirable can be "intoxicating" and difficult to let go of, even when the unfaithful spouse wants to stop engaging in this behavior.

Clinical Vignette
I would like to expand on these ideas with the fictionalized vignette below, which is representative of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Ruth and Ed
Ruth and Ed were married for several years when Ruth discovered flirtatious email between Ed and a colleague.

Ruth was devastated.  She had always thought that she and Ed had a good relationship but, as she read email after email in which Ed and another woman engaged in sexual fantasies, she felt shocked, hurt and betrayed.

When she confronted Ed about the emails, he felt deeply ashamed.  He tried to tell Ruth that nothing physical happened between him and the other woman but, at that point, Ruth didn't believe him.  She told him to leave the apartment and check into a hotel for a couple of weeks until she could sort out her feelings.

After a few weeks, Ed persuaded Ruth to go to marriage counseling.

During their marriage counseling sessions, the therapist helped Ed to explore what triggered his infidelity, and he realized that he liked the way he felt when the other woman flirted with him via email.  It made him feel attractive and desirable.

However, he was quick to say that he had no real feelings for the other woman.  In fact, he never anticipated that the flirty emails would develop into anything.

Ed said he realized that it was selfish of him to jeopardize his marriage in this way.

The therapist also helped Ruth to explore her feelings, and Ruth expressed feeling angry, but most of all she felt hurt and betrayed.

During the next few months, both Ruth and Ed became increasingly committed to their relationship and to their marriage counseling sessions.  They both wanted to find out what they could do to get past this chapter in their lives so they could build a stronger relationship.

Ruth expressed that she felt badly that she wasn't the one who made Ed feel desirable and she acknowledged that she might have taken him for granted a little during the last few years (although she and Ed both knew that this didn't excuse his behavior).

They both wanted to explore ways to reignite the passion in their relationship so they could both feel desirable to one another.

Their commitment to the relationship and their willingness to do the necessary work in therapy is what helped them to overcome this traumatic period.

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable

In the end, they each came away feeling that their love was even stronger than it had been before Ruth discovered the emails.

Conclusion
Many people assume that if there is infidelity in a relationship it means that there are problems with the relationship.

But, as I mentioned earlier, there are many instances where one or both people in a relationship engage in infidelity not because there is a problem in the relationship but because it makes them feel desirable to someone else.

This is often not readily apparent to either person until they begin to explore these dynamics in couples therapy.

Depending upon the individuals in the relationship, many relationships can be salvaged under these circumstances.

There are couples who say they have gotten past the problem but, in many instances, one or both people never get over it.

For those couples, it can become something that is used as a "weapon" when there are other problems, usually with the person who feels betrayed brings it up at unexpected times.

For other couples, like the couple mentioned in the fictionalized scenario above, working through this problem can be a source of emotional growth that improves the relationship beyond how things were before the infidelity.

A skilled therapist will not have an agenda to either keep the couple together or to see them split up.  This important decision is completely up to both individuals in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Individual and couples therapy is a valuable resource to help understand the underlying cause of the infidelity in a relationship.

If they decide to split up, therapy can help a couple to do it in as amicable a way as possible so that each person can be his or her own "best self" through the process.

If they decide to stay together, each person needs to be committed to seeing the process through in order to benefit from therapy.

If you're having problems with infidelity in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to get professional help rather than making decisions that you might ultimately regret.

A skilled therapist who works with couples is objective and experienced in helping couples to understand internal as well as intersubjective dynamics so that each person can make decisions about the relationship.

Taking the first step, which is setting up a psychotherapy consultation, is often the hardest, but it might just be the best thing that you ever do for yourself your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to deal with infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

In a prior article, Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce, I discussed how to talk to young children about divorce.  In this article, I'm focusing on co-parenting after the divorce.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

When a happy, romantic marriage disintegrates, it can be traumatic for the married couple as well as the children.

Most people don't get married with the idea that they'll be getting divorced one day.  There are usually expectations of a romantic, happy life together.

Unfortunately, about half of all marriages end in divorce.  Often, this is due to unrealistic expectations of marriage.

Whatever the reason for the divorce, if there aren't children involved, the two formerly married people need never see each other again.  This allows each person to grieve the end of the relationship and to, eventually, move on.

But when formerly married people have children, they need to find a way to co-parent their children in a mature, respectful way.

Despite their best efforts, many people struggle to find a way to co-parent without doing harm to their children.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

The worst cases involve one or both parents who lack the necessary emotional maturity and interpersonal skills to co-parent and who end up doing emotional damage to their children.

Here are some basic concepts to co-parenting well:

• Accept that the marriage is over and don't try to use your children to get your ex back.  Not only is this disrespectful to your ex, but it's emotionally damaging to your children to expect them to function in this way.  Be the adult.  Don't use your children as pawns and don't expect your children to be the adults.
• Negotiate a plan with your ex, if possible, for how the two of you will speak to the children about the changes in their lives.
• Speak with the children yourself, if it's not possible for your ex to be there, explain the changes and be prepared for questions.
• Recognize that co-parenting is a challenge and prepare yourself to handle challenges as they arise.
• Be prepared for your children to try to get you and your ex back together again, even after you have explained many times why you're not together.
• Work with your ex, if possible, to get on the same page about basic rules so that your children will have a stable environment in your home as well as in your ex's home, including:  sleep time, when to do homework, curfews, etc.
• Be respectful of your ex.  Although it might be gratifying on some level for you to hear your children criticize your ex, be sure to foster a respectful environment in your home.
• Recognize that the situation will be continuously changing over time, including new romantic relationships for you and/or your partner, new marriages, new siblings or step siblings of your children, and so on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who are in unhappy marriages think that they will feel completely better after the divorce.

While it's true that some of the relationship pressure between you and your ex will no longer be an issue, other issues related to co-parenting can be just as difficult if not more so.

Family and friends might be supportive, but they might not be the most objective.  In the worst of cases, they might unintentionally fan the flames of your anger and despair about the divorce and co-parenting issues.

If you're finding it difficult to handle the aftermath of your divorce, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who is objective and has the experience and skills to help you overcome the challenges that you're facing.

If you're feeling unsure as to whether you want to go to therapy, it's usually best to think of the first session as a consultation where you're under no obligation to continue if you don't feel comfortable with the therapist.

The best predictor of a good outcome in therapy is for you to feel a rapport with the therapist.

Family therapy can also be helpful to assist you, your children and your ex with the transition.

So, if you're really struggling emotionally, don't wait until you're in an emotional crisis to seek help.  Take the first step today by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the aftermath of their divorce and the challenges of co-parenting.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

Talking to young children about your divorce isn't easy.  Depending upon what your child has heard about from their  friends, she may or may not understand what the word "divorce" means or might have misconceptions (see my article:

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

This is why you and your spouse want to be on the same page about how to approach your child, choosing the right time and keeping it simple.

Here are some basic suggestions:

Get Together With Your spouse Beforehand and Present a United Front:  

• Even though you and your spouse might not be getting along, you both need to put aside your differences for your child's sake.  You might be relieved that the marriage will soon be over, but expect that your child probably will be upset about it, even if she witnessed the marital conflicts.  
• Decide in advance what you will say and keep it as simple as possible.  If your child asks why you're getting divorced, you can say something simple like, "We're not getting along," but don't say, "We don't love each other anymore" because this could lead to your child thinking that, at some point, you might not love her anymore.

Choose the Right Time and Place and Leave Plenty of Time For This Talk:

• Choose a time when it's quiet and you'll have privacy to talk.  Also allot enough time for your child's questions or emotional reactions
• This isn't the kind of talk you want to have with your child in a car, in a public place, before your child goes to school or just before you go to work. 

Remain Calm and Bring Forth Your "Best Self:"

• You and your spouse need to summon your most mature and "best selves" to have this conversation.
• This isn't the time to blame your spouse or for your spouse to blame you for things that haven't worked out or to express your grievances about the marriage.
• It's also not the time to try to get your child to side with you.

Reassure Your Child That It Isn't Her Fault :

• It's very important to assure your child that the breakup of your relationship isn't her fault.  Young children are naturally egocentric during the early stage of their development and it's normal for a child to blame herself for the divorce.
• It's also very important to let her know that, even though the marriage will be over, you each will love her always and she'll be safe.

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

Explain What the Living and Visitation Arrangements Will Be:

• Once again, due to the early stage of a young child's development, your child will naturally be concerned about where she will live.
• You need to explain the living and visitation arrangements to your child in a simple way.
• Anticipate other questions.

Don't Assume That Your Child is Okay Just Because She's Not Reacting:

• Depending upon your child's personality and level of maturity, she may or may not react immediately.
• Don't assume that everything is okay because she's quiet.
• Although she is quiet, there can still be a lot going on in her mind that she's not expressing, so you might need to elicit questions or concerns during and after the initial talk.

Anticipate That Your Child Might Regress or Act Out After the Talk:

• It's not unusual for a child to regress to an earlier stage of development after you and your spouse talk about the divorce.  Young children usually don't have the communication skills to express their feelings, so their upset is often expressed through a regression or through acting out.
• A child of five or six might start wetting the bed or start using baby talk or feel the need to be treated like a baby again.
• This usually passes, but if it doesn't speak with your pediatrician and explain what's going on.
• Acting out could take the form of testing limits, like refusing to do homework or suddenly not want to go to school.
• Speaking of school, your child's academic performance and behavior in school might become problematic, so you want to remain in contact with the school.  
• Try to be as compassionate as you can be and recognize that your child might need further reassurance that she's going to be okay and that you and your spouse will each be okay.

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

Check In With Your Child From Time to Time After The Talk:

• It often takes young children a while to absorb all the implications of how she will be affected by the divorce, so it's best to check in with your child from time to time.
• Anticipate that she might try to bargain with the two of you to try to get you to stay together, so you might have to explain it to her again, keeping it simple.

Try Not to Worry Too Much--Most Children Are Resilient:

• Although it's normal for your child to be sad, disappointed or angry about the divorce, over time, most children are resilient and eventually bounce back, especially if you and your spouse can be respectful of one another and have an amicable relationship when it comes to the welfare of your child.
• Change can be challenging for anyone, especially children, who need structure and routine, but most children adjust to new routines, especially if they know what to expect.
• If your child is having an especially difficult time, consider taking your child to a child therapist for help.

Seek Professional Help If You and Your Spouse Are Having a Hard Time Calm and Respectful Towards Each Other For the Sake of Your Child:

• Although you and your spouse might be beyond fixing your problems, you will need to co-parent your child until she is at least 21.
• If you're having a hard time coming together in a respectful, calm way, you could benefit from attending marriage counseling to develop the necessary skills to communicate effectively with your child.
• It would be better to get help in advance than to have a talk with your child if you can't contain your hostility and anger.
• Learning how to be mature and respectful when you talk to your child and in the co-parenting process will help your child to process the change in a healthy way.  You and your spouse will also feel better about yourselves in the long run.

Getting Help in Therapy to Co-Parent After the Divorce

Next Article: Co-parenting After the Divorce

Getting Help in Therapy
Most people associate marriage counseling with trying to work out problems in a marriage so you can stay together.  That is certainly one aspect of marriage counseling.  But people also come to marriage counseling to learn how to part amicably, whether there are children are not.

If you have children, you and your spouse owe it to them and to yourselves to be your "best selves," which is often difficult to do when you're getting a divorce.

Being able to put your child first, regardless of your feelings towards your spouse, is important, and seeking help if you're unsure of yourselves can be the best step that you take during this challenging time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article: Coparenting After the Divorce.

Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Childhood sexual abuse is more prevalent than most people think, and the psychological effects can be much more far reaching than had been recognized in years past. 

It's only been relatively recently that people have even begun to talk about childhood sexual abuse more openly, and people have sought psychological help to overcome its effects. 

Years ago, this topic was considered taboo and survivors of childhood sexual abuse often kept these traumatic secrets to themselves, often to their detriment.

Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Childhood sexual abuse is a very broad topic and there have been many books, articles, and TV programs about the psychological effects. One blog article can hardly do justice to such an important topic.

What is Childhood Sexual Abuse?
Broadly speaking, childhood sexual abuse is any form of sexual touching, kissing, inappropriate undressing or any other form of sexual behavior with a child. Childhood sexual abuse is a boundary violation that often has severe detrimental effects on the child.

Who Engages in Childhood Sexual Abuse?
Anyone who is around a child is a potential sexual perpetrator. Often, the sexual perpetrator is someone who would, under normal circumstances, be trusted with the child, including one or both parents, another family member, a teacher, a religious leader, babysitter, or other people.

Often, people who engage in childhood sexual abuse have been sexually abused themselves and they are repeating this pattern.

Regardless of the circumstances of how or why this occurs, adults who engage in childhood sexual abuse are responsible for their behavior both morally and legally.

Can a Child Ever be Held Responsible for Sexual Abuse?
Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse often feel responsible for the abuse for a variety of reasons. First, let me answer my question with a resounding "No." Children are never responsible for their own sexual violation. However, as adults, as previously mentioned, they often feel that they brought it on themselves in some way which, of course, is not true because children don't have the developmental capacity and often don't have a way to stop the abuse.

Often, when survivors of childhood sexual abuse begin psychotherapy to deal with the aftermath of the abuse, they talk about the sexual acts "feeling good" and they have a lot of guilt and shame about this. When a survivors of sexual abuse tells me this, I help them to distinguish between what might feel good in their body or on an emotional level from their feelings of being responsible.

Perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse have an uncanny way of selecting children that they sense are vulnerable.

These children are often lonely or neglected in some way and they're craving attention. To a child who craves attention, sexualized attention is better than no attention at all. Even if they feel uncomfortable, many children go along with the perpetrator because he or she might be nice to them in other ways: spending time with them, taking an interest in things that interest them, giving them gifts and so on.

If the perpetrator happens to be someone who would normally be considered a trusted family member, friend, or clergy, children who are being sexually abused can become very confused and doubt their own feelings of discomfort or that the abuse is even happening.

In some of the more egregious forms of childhood sexual abuse, perpetrators often threaten the children or threaten to harm a family member if the children reveal what's going on.

Psychological Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse:
Each person's experience will be different and the psychological effects will be different. Experiences can vary depending upon age, temperament, the relationship with the perpetrator, whether there are explicit memories or only vague feelings or sensations, and so on.

The important point when considering the psychological effects of childhood sexual abuse is that no one goes unaffected because it is such a personal boundary violation.

Often, without realizing it, adults who were sexually abused as children have difficulty with sexual intimacy in their relationships.

Before I go on, I want to caution that not everyone who has difficulties with sexual intimacy has been sexually abused. There are many varied reasons why a person might have difficulty with sexual intimacy, including physical reasons, other types of violations or breaches, depression, anxiety, and so on. So, no one should automatically assume that because they're having problems being sexual with a partner that this means he or she was sexually abused.

The following scenario, which is a fictionalized account and does not represent any one person or persons, illustrates the possible psychological effects of childhood sexual abuse:

Alice:
Alice was in her early 20s when she met Bob at a friend's party. They were instantly attracted to each other, they had similar interests, and they began dating soon after they met. It was important to Alice that she get to know Bob before they became sexually intimate, so she wanted to wait a while before they had sex. Bob was becoming increasingly fond of Alice, so he didn't mind waiting.

After they had dated for a couple of months, Alice felt like she was ready to be sexually intimate with Bob, and she let him know. After a romantic dinner, Alice and Bob went back to his apartment. His roommate was away, so they had the place to themselves.

Alice felt warm and close towards Bob, and she was excited about taking their dating relationship to the next level. Other than kissing, Alice had never had sex with any of the other young men that she had dated in the past, but she felt that there was something special about Bob.

As they were sitting on the couch, listening to music by candlelight, they began to kiss. Alice enjoyed kissing Bob and she was feeling increasingly passionate. But when Bob touched her breast, Alice froze both physically and emotionally, and she began to feel confused.

On the one hand, Bob's touch felt tender and exciting, but on the other hand, it also started to make Alice feel queasy. She tried not to pay attention to the queasy feeling in her stomach, but it continued to get stronger and her confusion increased.

At the point when Alice felt that she was going to vomit, she pushed Bob's hand away. He realized immediately that she was upset and asked her if she was all right. Alice didn't know what to say. She felt her whole body go rigid and cold, and she felt that she wanted to run out of the apartment. Aside from feeling confused, she also felt ashamed.

Without words to express what was going on with her, Alice told Bob that she had to go and she rushed out of his apartment and went back to the apartment that she shared with friends. Bob was stunned, and he tried to talk to Alice, but she left in a hurry and told him not to follow her.

Over the next few weeks, Bob tried to call Alice. She heard his voicemail messages, but she was too confused, ashamed and guilty to call him back. She didn't even feel comfortable talking to her close friends about what happened. She just knew that she never wanted to feel that disgusting, queasy feeling again. So, she continued to avoid Bob and, after a few weeks, he stopped calling.

This was the beginning of a long line of disappointments for Alice whenever she tried to be sexually intimate with men. Aside from getting an upset stomach and feeling ashamed, confused and guilty, Alice also felt a sudden emotional revulsion whenever she began to be sexually intimate with a man. Each time that she attempted to be sexually intimate, Alice hoped that the experience would be different, but it never was.

By the time Alice was in her 30s, she had experienced so many physical and emotional upsets with sexual intimacy that she no longer wanted to date. She tried to tell herself and her friends that she was "just fine" being alone. But the truth was that she was very lonely and she wanted to overcome whatever was causing her to feel so uncomfortable and mistrustful.

Struggling with this issue on her own brought no relief, so her best friend recommended that Alice see a psychotherapist. Alice had always thought that people who went to therapy were "crazy," but her friend explained to her that, quite to the contrary, many people went to psychotherapy for everyday, ordinary problems, and they weren't "crazy." So, Alice obtained a recommendation from her doctor and made an appointment with a psychotherapist.

During the first session, the psychotherapist took a family history as part of the initial session. This is standard practice. When the therapist asked Alice if she had experienced any sexual abuse or molestation, Alice's first inclination was to say "no," but she hesitated.

She knew that her Uncle John used to touch her breasts whenever no one else was around. She also knew that this began when she was about nine years old. But she wasn't sure what to say about it because whenever he touched her, she felt confused and she continued to feel confused about it.

Uncle John tended to be kind and generous with her, especially after Alice's father died when she was four years old. He took a special interest in her, taking her to the park, teaching her how to ride a bike, taking her to the movies, and listening to her in a way that her mother, who was depressed after Alice's father died, never did any more.

One day, soon after her 12th birthday, when she was alone with her Uncle John, he sat next to her on the couch, as he had many times in the past. However, this time, he offered her a sip of his beer. Alice never tasted beer before and she knew that her mother wouldn't like it, but she also thought that Uncle John would never ask her to do anything that was wrong. So, with some hesitation, she tasted his beer, and he encouraged her to drink more.

She didn't think much about it because it just felt like any other activity that she shared with Uncle John. But after a while, Alice's head began to spin. Uncle John had already drank quite a few beers and he asked Alice to sit on his lap. Alice had not sat on Uncle John's lap since she was about four or five years old, so she thought this was odd. When she hesitated, Uncle John said he felt hurt that she wouldn't do this. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, Alice sat on Uncle John's lap, even though she felt uncomfortable.

As Alice continued to drink more beer, she could hardly keep her eyes open, but she saw the expression on Uncle John's face change. She had never seen him look at her like this, and she wasn't sure what was happening or if she could even trust what she was seeing because she was pretty drunk by then.

But when Uncle John put his hand up her blouse and began fondling her breast, she felt confused. On a physical level, part of her felt good and excited, but and her stomach was also queasy. All the while, Uncle John was telling her how beautiful she was and that she was his favorite niece.

Soon after that, she passed out, and when she woke up, she was in her bed and her mother came home. Uncle John came up to her room to say goodbye. Alice remembered vaguely what happened, but Uncle John looked at her so kindly, the way he always looked, and she began to doubt her own recollection of what happened that day.

The next time that Uncle John babysat for Alice, she turned down his offer to drink his beer and she told him that she didn't feel comfortable sitting on his lap. Uncle John turned away from her and turned on the TV. He refused to talk to her, and this upset Alice greatly. He was the only one who took any interest in her in the family, and she loved him very much.

When she could not get him to pay attention to her, she went up to her room, feeling very lonely and sad, and she cried herself to sleep until her mother came home.

The following time, it was much the same, and Alice felt desperate for Uncle John's attention. So, she told herself that it wasn't so bad, after all, to drink beer with Uncle John and sit on his lap. When she told him this, Uncle John transformed into her Old Uncle John, kind, attentive and warm.

She didn't drink as much beer as she did the first time, but she acquiesced to Uncle John's wishes and allowed him to fondle her breasts. She fought off the queasy feeling in her stomach and told herself that this was a small price to pay to have Uncle John's attention.

So, this continued on without Alice revealing this to anyone. Uncle John told Alice that no one would understand the "special relationship" that they had together and he told her not to tell anyone so it would remain special between the two of them.

Around the time that Alice turned 15, Uncle John no longer wanted to spend as much time with Alice, which she didn't understand. He had many excuses as to why he wasn't available. But Alice found out from her mother that Uncle John was now spending more time with Alice's cousin, Lisa, who was a year younger than her.

One day, when Alice went over to Lisa's house to look for Uncle John, she found the door open so she walked in. She walked into Lisa's bedroom, where she heard Lisa and Uncle John laughing. At first, she could not see anything because the room was dark.

Then, when her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw Uncle John having sex with Lisa. She was stunned. It was obvious that they were both very drunk, and Uncle John shouted to Alice, "Get out of here! You're too old for me now! Lisa's my favorite niece now" and Uncle John and Lisa both laughed at Alice.

Lisa ran out of the house and never told anyone what she saw. After that, she never wanted to spend any time with Uncle John. Whenever she saw him at family functions, he acted like the Old Uncle John, as if nothing had happened. This confused Alice, and made her doubt what happened to her with Uncle John and what she saw when she went to Lisa's house. She thought to herself, "How could this be the same Uncle John who always took care of me?"

All of these thoughts were swimming around her head after the therapist asked her about childhood sexual abuse. Over time, Alice was able to talk about what happened and she realized that her uncle was a pedophile, and she was sexually abused as a child. She also began to connect the queasy, frozen feeling that she had as an adult when she was sexual with men to the feelings that she had as a child with Uncle John.

Alice had to work through a lot of anger, sadness, and bitterness. Just talking about the abuse and knowing that she got emotionally and physically triggered whenever she was sexual was not enough to resolve her trauma.

Talking about it was only the beginning. Alice's therapist used EMDR therapy, which is a mind-body oriented psychotherapy, to work through the trauma. It took time and effort, but Alice was able to overcome her trauma and, eventually, she had a healthy relationship with a man that she met soon after that.

The psychological effects of childhood sexual trauma can occur at any time. Many people don't realize that the sexual abuse is effecting them, and they often blame themselves for any sexual difficulties that they have as adults.

Very often, regular talk therapy is not enough to overcome the trauma. It might provide you with intellectual insight about what happened and how it is effecting you, but it's often not enough to help you heal.

Mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like EMDR, is often more effective in overcome sexual trauma and trauma in general.

The fictionalized case that I presented is about a girl, but sexual abuse also occurs to boys. It can be just as confusing and depressing for a man to deal with these feelings when they are triggered as it is for a woman.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you're not alone and you can overcome your trauma with help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in this area.

To find out more about EMDR therapy, see my article:  EMDR Therapy - When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough.

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Leaving Therapy Prematurely: Overcoming the Urge for a "Flight Into Health"

In a prior article, When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely,  I wrote about clients leaving therapy before they've completed the work.  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular dynamic called a "flight into health" where a client avoids any further exploration of his or her problems out of fear with a temporary cessation of symptoms that brought the client into therapy in the first place.

Psychotherapy: Overcoming the Urge for a "Flight to Health"

Often, this "flight into health" is unconscious.  It is based on a fear of further in-depth work on the presenting problem.  At the time, the client is convinced that s/he is feeling better and no longer needs to come to therapy.

S/he is usually unaware that what's really happening is that s/he has convinced him or herself that everything is fine now.  But, usually, s/he is suppressing the symptoms, and the suppression of these symptoms can only be maintained for so long before they come to the surface again.

There are some clients who go through this time after time with different therapists and they are unaware of what they're doing, so they can be in and out of therapy many times.

In many cases, these clients haven't developed the necessary internal resources and coping skills to do the work (see my article:  Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette, based on many different cases, to understand how this plays out:

Lynn:
Lynn had been in therapy several times as an adult.  Each time she started therapy, she came for the same reason:  to deal with a history of physical abuse by her mother when she was a child.

Psychotherapy: Overcoming the Urge For a "Flight Into Health"

Her pattern was that she would remain in therapy for several sessions, and when she and her therapist began to speak about how angry and sad she felt about the physical abuse, she would suddenly "feel better" and decide that she no longer needed to be in therapy.

Against her therapist's advice, she would leave, feeling somewhat relieved to have talked about the abuse.  But within a few months, she would begin feeling depressed and anxious about her childhood abuse and decide to try a different therapist.

From her perspective, the prior therapies "didn't work" because she began feeling anxious and depressed again.  She didn't realize that she had fooled herself each time into thinking her problem was resolved when, in fact, it wasn't.

Instead, on an unconscious level, she suppressed her anxiety and depression, and covered it over with a lot of activity to mask her feelings.  She would plan many trips, outings, and social events to keep herself distracted and exhausted.

But after a while, this defensive behavior no longer worked for her and she felt disappointed that her old feelings were back.

When she talked about her prior attempts to get help in therapy with her latest therapist, she expressed her sadness and disappointment that prior therapists were unable to help her.

When the therapist discerned what was happening, she explained the concept of "flight into health" to Lynn as a way to help Lynn to understand her history in therapy.  Somewhat skeptical, Lynn listened, but she didn't feel it applied to her.

She wanted to begin immediately by delving into her traumatic history.

But suspecting that Lynn might be having problems with containing difficult emotions, her therapist told her that it was important to start with building the internal resources to do the work.

Her therapist explained that, without the internal resources and the necessary coping skills, Lynn could become easily overwhelmed and want to leave therapy by convincing herself that she was "feeling better" when, in fact, not much had changed.

Her therapist spent several sessions teaching Lynn how to calm herself with a breathing exercise, the Safe Place exercise, and certain mindfulness exercises.

She also helped Lynn with various containment exercises, including a visualization exercise where Lynn imagined that, before she left each session, she could place her uncomfortable feelings and reactions into an imaginary box with a lid on it that was kept in the therapist's office ready and waiting for the next time that Lynn came to therapy.

Initially, Lynn felt impatient with this preparation phase of therapy.  But when they began working on a memory about the early childhood physical abuse, using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Lynn began to feel overwhelmed, her therapist reminded her to use her internal resources, including the breathing, internal resources and visualizations.

By using her internal resources, Lynn was able to calm herself and contain difficult emotions.  She also made good use of the imaginary box with the lid that allowed her to imagine that she was leaving this traumatic memory and the difficult emotions associate with it with her therapist.  In other words, she didn't have to take it with her.

By the Lynn completed therapy, she felt the difference between her usual "flight into health," which was a defense against completing the work and actually overcoming the trauma.  In hindsight, she realized that whenever she thought she was "feeling better" before, it was only temporary.

Psychotherapy: Overcoming the Urge For a "Flight Into Health"

Lynn and her therapist went back to the traumatic early childhood memories again and Lynn no longer felt upset by them.  She felt compassion for herself as a child, but she no longer felt anxious or depressed.

Her therapist followed up with Lynn several months later, and Lynn told her that their work was holding.

Conclusion
While it's understandable that no one wants to dwell on traumatic memories, the reason why people come to therapy is that these memories are getting in the way of their leading the life that they want.

Emotional trauma doesn't resolve itself on its own (see my article:  ).

Without working through the trauma in therapy, it continues to have a strong impact on your current life.

A "flight into health" is an unconscious defense mechanism that clients use when their fear becomes  too much for them.  They convince themselves that they're "better" when, in fact, "feeling better" is a self generated feeling and only temporary.  Sooner or later, the problem makes itself felt again.

Preparation to do trauma work is essential to help the client to deal with the difficult emotions that can come up.  When clients have developed the necessary internal resources and tools beforehand, the trauma work is usually tolerable.

Rather than going from one therapy to the next, clients can complete the work and go on to lead more fulfilling lives without the affect of the earlier trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize yourself in this article, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help with a therapist who can assist you with the necessary initial preparation.   The time spent doing on preparation before trauma work is well spent in the long run (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy).

Rather than spending the rest of your life carry the burden of your emotional trauma and having it get in the way of leading a happy life, you can learn to contain and tolerate the emotions that arise so that you can resolve the trauma (see my article: How to Choose a Therapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.