The Problem With Comparative Suffering

During the early days of the pandemic, Dr. Brene Brown, researcher, social worker and author, discussed the topic of comparative suffering and why it's harmful to everyone involved.

The Problem With Comparative Suffering

During that time, many people were suffering with sadness, fear, anger and a mixture of emotions, and many also had physical symptoms from the virus as well.  Unfortuntely, many others died.

People were engaging in comparative suffering by either dismissing their own feelings or dismissing the feelings of others, which wasn't helpful to anyone.

Aside from the pandemic, comparative suffering is common, so it's worth taking a moment to understand it.

What is Comparative Suffering?

Let's start by defining comparative suffering.

Comparative suffering is comparing your emotional pain to others--either favorably or unfavorably.

I often hear clients compare their suffering to others by invalidating their own feelings, "I have no right to feel bad about what I'm going through. Look at Mary. She has it much worse than me."

Other clients feel resentful when they hear other people talking about their suffering because these clients believe they have it much worse than those people, so they invalidate other people's feelings, "They have it so much better than me. They should stop complaining."

As you can see, these types of comparisons either invalidate your own suffering or the suffering of others--as if there exists a scarcity of compassion to go around.

Suffering is suffering.  

There's no hierarchy of suffering that invalidates anyone's experience.

Examples of Comparative Suffering

The following fictional examples illustrate comparative suffering.

    Invalidating Your Own Experience

Mary 

While talking about how sad and helpless she felt watching her mother suffer from a serious illness, Mary sighed and said, "I shouldn't complain. My neighbor, Betty, lost her husband and younger child in a car accident. At least my mother is alive and still with me."

John

As he was discussing how good he felt about reaching his goal of losing 15 pounds in five months, John's tone changed when he said, "My accomplishment is nothing compared to my friend, Bill, who lost 20 pounds in two months."

Alice

Alice was talking about how frightened she felt after she heard the police were looking for a burglar in her neighborhood. Then, she looked embarrassed and said, "I don't know why I'm afraid because the woman across the street was robbed, and I haven't been robbed. I should be grateful instead of being scared."

    Invalidating Other People's Experiences

Bill

Bill was feeling resentful towards his friend, Joe, who told Bill he would have to take a 10% pay cut because business was bad at Joe's company.  During their conversation, Bill was silent, but later on when he got home, he said to his wife, "I wanted to tell Joe, 'Stop complaining!' Even with a 10% pay cut, he's still making a lot more money than I do.  He has nothing to complain about!

Sara

While she was talking to her friends, Sara recounted a conversation she had with her friend, Janet, "I can't believe she was complaining she didn't get the part she wanted on Broadway! Imagine her feeling sorry for herself about that when I can't even get a part as an extra. She has nothing to complain about!"

Richard

After he got home from work and his wife, Jane, toldl him she was exhausted from a full day at work and trying to put their six month old child to sleep, Richard responded to her by saying, "My mother worked two jobs and raised my brothers and me by herself. You have it easy compared to her."

The Problem With Comparative Suffering

Regardless of which way you use comparative suffering, it can lead to:

• Denial of your own emotions or others' emotions, which can cause shame, fear, loneliness or resentment

• Feelings of guilt and shame when you invalidate your feelings or resentment when you invalidate or dismiss other people's suffering

• Acting like suffering is a contest where you compare yourself to others

• Feeling there is a scarcity of compassion to go around

• Making assumptions about how much better or worse others have it compared to you

• Feeling isolated and lonely because you think no one can understand what you're going through

• Difficulty feeling proud of your accomplishments when you compare yourself unfavorably to others

Tips on How to Overcome Comparative Suffering

Overcoming comparative suffering can be challenging, especially if you have been in the habit of doing it for a long time.  

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Pay attention to how often you compare yourself, either favorably or unfavorably, to others. Challenge your thought patterns. Then, replace your thoughts with: There's enough compassion to go around--including self compassion.

• Practice self compassion when you're tempted to put yourself down or invalidate your own experience. Remember: Suffering is suffering.

• Practice compassion for others by trying to see their suffering from their perspective instead of seeing it only from your own limited perspective

• Remember: It's not a competition between you and others

• Be aware that over the course of a long friendship or other close relationship you and your loved ones will probably need emotional support from each other. So, if you have been emotionally supportive of others, allow them to be emotionally supportive of you.  And, if others have been emotionally supportive of you, extend your emotional support and compassion to them as well.

Get Help in Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, comparative suffering can be a hard habit to break.

Whether you tend to lack compassion for yourself or others, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the underlying issues keeping you stuck in comparative suffering so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: WHAT IS A TRAUMA SPEC?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Five Flirting Styles: The Polite Flirting Style

This is a continuation of my prior articles about flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's research and his book, The Five Flirting Styles.  

The Polite Flirting Style

Prior Articles

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they don't include the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.

The Polite Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm discussing the Polite Flirting Style.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Polite Flirting Style?

Traditional flirters tend to:

• Know you for a while before they ask you out

• Start flirting with you as if it's out of the blue after you have been friends for a while, which can be confusing--especially if you didn't realize they were interested in you before they started flirting

• Pay attention to what you say while they're getting to know you--before they ask you out 

• Be less assertive and aggressive, as a polite man, than some of the other men who have one of the four other flirting styles because they're being respectful

• Refrain, as a man or a woman, to become sexual when they're getting to know you

• Not comment on a woman's appearance, as a man, out of a sense of politeness

• Find direct flirting annoying

• Talk about their long term goals

• Follow traditional courtship rules 

• Be honest about their prior relationships

• Call or send a text after a date to say thank you or to say they had fun

• Be reliable and there for you when you need them

Men and Women

Women tend to be polite flirters much more than men.

The Polite Flirting Style

Both men and women tend to be cautious when they're interested in someone, which can lead to misunderstandings if they're too cautious because you might think they only see you as a friend.

Polite flirters can know you a long time before they think about letting you know they're interested and, even then, they might struggle to find the words to tell you.  Sometimes they need the assistance of a mutual friend to intervene to get things started.

The Polite Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love

Polite flirters tend to take things slowly when it comes to dating, sex and love.

Both men and women often want to be in love before having sex because sex is important to them and not to be taken lightly.  They want to feel they have an emotional connection with you first.

If a polite flirter is flirting with you, it's more than likely they're interested in forming a connection with you rather than trying to get you into bed.

Relationships

Similar to the Traditional and Sincere Flirting Styles, once they get into a relationship with you, the polite flirter tends to be loyal. 

Age

According to Dr. Hall, the Polite Flirting Style tends to be more common among people 40 and over.

The Polite Flirting Style

Dr. Hall indicates that this is probably due to people 40 and over developing a more mature ways of flirting, dating and being in a relationship.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The complementary flirting styles for the Polite Flirting Style are the 

• Traditional Flirting Style
• Sincere Flirting Style

The polite flirter has a lot in common with traditional and sincere flirters because their characteristics overlap in many ways.

What all three have in common is that--not only do they want to go slowly--they want to avoid the carefree sexual aspects of dating before you know each other.

It's not that they don't like sex.  It's more a matter that they tend to think it's crass to be sexual right away before you know each other.

Conclusion

This is the last in this series about flirting styles based on the research of Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

In reality, when it comes to flirting styles, people don't usually fit neatly into a particular box.  Most people are a combination of flirting styles.

Being aware of your particular constellation of flirting styles can help you in meeting people, dating or entering into a relationship.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Five Flirting Styles: The Traditional Flirting Style

In the last several articles I've been focusing on flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.

The current article focuses on the Traditional Flirting Style.

The Traditional Flirting Style

See my prior articles:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they exclude the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Traditional Flirting Style?

Traditional flirters tend to:

• Believe in traditional ways when it comes to romance

• Be polite

• Follow traditional rules when it comes to romance as well as in other areas of their life

• Rarely become romantically involved with their friends

• Make their dates or partners feel like they're in a fairytale romance

• Believe in traditional male and female gender roles 

• Hold open doors, pay for the check and pull out a woman's chair (if they are men)

• Hold back, behave reserved and want the man to be in the lead (if they are women)

• Believe that a little jealousy keeps chemistry alive

• Be predictable in terms of their courtship style

• Not to like change in general

Men and Women

According to Dr. Hall, women are much more likely to have the Traditional Flirting Style than men.

In terms of the prevalence of the Traditional Flirting Style among men, men are much more likely to be one of the other flirting styles. For men, the Traditional Flirting Style is in last place after the other four.

The Traditional Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love

For many men who are traditional flirters, it's a "man's world." They expect to be the ones who take the initiative to ask a woman out, initiate sex and declare their love.  

Compared to men who are part of the four other flirting styles, these men would be uncomfortable if a woman took the initiative.  

The Traditional Flirting Style

Generally speaking, according to Dr. Hall, men who are traditional flirters value beauty in a woman, and women who are traditional flirters value success in men.

Traditional women tend to hang back, as opposed to taking the lead, when it comes to flirting because they're waiting for the man to take the lead. However, a traditional woman who is even more reserved wouldn't like the man to flirt with her, according to Dr. Hall.

Since, as a group, traditional women don't feel comfortable flirting, they can find it difficult to get a man's attention.  This can make it challenging for these women to meet men--unless they're thrown together in college or at a social event with friends.

Dr. Hall says that traditional men are generally looking for women who are demur, passive and subtle.

Many traditional men will wait a long time before they approach a woman.  They usually want to establish a respectful and cordial relationship with a woman first.  

This can make it difficult for a woman to know whether or not he's interested.  Then, these men often assume they have to work to get a woman interested in them.

A traditional man often waits until a relationship is established before he flirts with a woman.  

Traditional men and women might rely on friends to help them to meet and get started in their courtship.

Traditional men and women often have conservative ideas about sex.  Many of them believe that sex should take place within a committed relationship, preferably a marriage.  They also tend to have fewer sexual partners.

It's not unusual for there to be a double standard with regard to men and women and sex: Men are allowed to have casual sex with women they don't want to be in a committed relationship with, and women would be demeaned if they did the same thing.

However, Dr. Hall also indicates that about 20% of women who responded to his survey said they had sex with a man they were interested in to try to get a relationship going.  This is likely due to the fact that they consider sex and relationships to go together, so if they are having sex with a man, they feel it means the relationship is progressing.

Relationships

According to Dr. Hall, traditional men and women tend to be committed partners when they're part of a relationship.

Devoted Traditional Partners in a Committed Relationship

Based on his research, Dr. Hall indicates that traditional men and women are 20% less likely to flirt with someone else when they're in a committed relationship.

Complementary Flirting Style

The Traditional and the Polite Flirting Styles are complementary to each other (more about the Polite Flirting Style in a future article).

Dr. Hall indicates that these two styles are often confused for each other because the traditional flirt is polite and the polite flirt is traditional.

Conclusion

The traditional flirts tend to have definite ideas about traditional gender roles.

Their way of flirting often appeals to other people who are also traditional. It works for them, but it can be off-putting to others (just like any of the other flirting styles).

Traditional men might be slower to approach a woman they're attracted to, but if it works out, they're less likely to stray, according to Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and a Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Five Flirting Styles: The Sincere Flirting Style

In the current article I'm focusing on the Sincere Flirting Style, as described by author and researcher, Dr. Jeffrey Hall, which is the most common of the five flirting styles.

The Sincere Flirting Style

See my prior articles:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The information for this article comes primarily from Dr. Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As mentioned in my earlier articles, I see Dr. Hall's Five Flirting Styles as heteronormative. Although it applies to heterosexual men and women, I see aspects of these styles that could apply to people who identify as LGBTQ.

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

What Does Sincere Mean?

As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, sincere means: 

• Wholehearted
• Heartfelt
• Hearty
• Genuine

It also means the absence of hypocrisy, feigning or any falsifying embellishments or exaggeration.

What is the Sincere Flirting Style?

Many people think of flirting as being insincere, but people who use the Sincere Flirting Style want to make a genuine connection with you.

The Sincere Flirting Style

The sincere flirting involves using flirting as a way to create an emotional bond.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Sincere Flirting Style?

Sincere flirters tend to:

• Want to an emotional bond, which is usually different from the Playful Flirting Style where flirting is mostly about fun and games

• Be interested in you emotionally as opposed to just a sexual interest

• Want the emotional connection first before the sexual connection

• Enjoy deep conversations as opposed to superficial chatter

• Have interesting things to share with you about themselves 

• Prefer to be themselves, which generally makes them honest

• Ask you questions about yourself because they're genuinely interested in getting to know you

• Remember important details you told them about yourself

• Disclose important information openly and appropriately about themselves as a way for you to get to know them and their personal disclosures tend to be of an emotional nature

• Be positive, friendly, warm and kind as well as outgoing and fun

• Be creative and open to new experiences, including travel

• Try to figure out if you share similar interests when you're on a date and getting to know each other

• Enjoy having you flirt back with them--although they can sometimes get embarrassed or shy if you compliment them

• Not approach in a physically aggressive way; however, if they sense you're interested, they're usually not opposed to using physicality in an appropriate way (leaning closer to you) as a way to get the message across that they're interested. This is different from the Physical Flirting Style who tend to use touch and physicality in a sexually suggestive way.

• Not date multiple people at once if they're interested in getting to know you and you're forming an emotional connection with each other

• Back off when they sense you're not interested--unlike more manipulative, aggressive types

Men and Women

As mentioned earlier, the Sincere Flirting Style is the most common flirting style.  It's used by both men and women.

According to Dr. Hall, women tend to have a more developed Sincere Flirting Style than men.  

In addition, Dr. Hall indicates that women tend to prefer when men engage in this style of flirting if they're interested in getting into a relationship.

Based on Dr. Hall's research, emotional self disclosure, when it's done appropriately without oversharing, is usually rated high as a way to connect emotionally and it's the least phoney way of flirting. It's also the most effective to create emotional bonds.

All Ages

Dr. Hall's research indicates that the Sincere Flirting Style applies to all age groups from young to mature.

The Sincere Flirting Style

What About the Stereotype of "Nice Guys Finish Last"?

According to Dr. Hall, how women feel about nice guys depends on what they're looking for, their age and maturity level.

If they're young and looking for casual sex, they would probably prefer the man with the Physical Flirting Style.

If they're more mature and ready for a commitment, they're more likely to be interested in the guy with the Sincere Flirting Style because he has the maturity and qualities they're looking for in a committed relationship.

So, like many stereotypes, when it comes to forming a lasting bond with someone, the stereotype of "nice guys finish last" is false.

Conclusion

Most people are a combination of flirting styles and, even within a particular flirting style, there's a spectrum.

It's important to know what you want when you're dating so you can focus on the type of person that suits your interest.

The Sincere Flirting Style is usually the most appealing for people who want to form a sincere emotional connection with someone.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Flirting Styles: The Playful Flirting Style

I'm continuing to discuss the five flirting styles, as defined by Dr. Jeffrey Hall in his book, The Five Flirting Styles, in this article.  

As mentioned in my earlier articles, Dr. Hall's book has a heteronormative perspective, so it doesn't address LGBTQ issues--although many of the general concepts could apply.

Even though I'm discussing each flirting style individually, be aware that people are usually a combination of flirting styles.

In this article, I'm focusing on the Playful Flirting Style.

My two prior articles provide information about flirting styles and those article will help you to understand the current article better:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

Summary of the 5 Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. Often, but not always, they have a particular goal of making a sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoy being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but many playful flirts aren't especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest, but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of that and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Sociosexuality and Erotophilia

Sociosexuality, also called sociosexual orientation, refers to a person's willingness to engage in sexual activity outside of a committed relationship or a relationship with an emotional bond.

Unrestricted sociosexuality means more of a willingness to engage in casual sex.,  

Restricted sociosexuality means less of a willingness to engage in casual sex.

See the prior article for a more detailed explanation of sociosexuality. 

That article also has information about erotophilia, which is a personality trait that indicates a person's disposition to respond to sexual cues in either a positive or negative way.

The Playful Flirting Style

Like all the Flirting Styles, the Playful Flirting Style refers to a range of flirtatious behavior from innocuous to highly manipulative. The more manipulative strategies, like the ones that pickup artists, also known as players, are manipulative and can be hurtful.

According to Dr. Hall, someone with a Playful Flirting Style flirts:

• In many instances--even when there's no interest or chance for a relationship

• Possibly when they're trying to get something from you (e.g., a ride home, a dinner, concert tickets, etc)

• As a way to joke around to get to know you

• As a way to pick you up, especially at a bar

• When there is an interest in casual sex or sometimes more

• Sarcastically as a way to initiate banter with you

• To establish a Friends With Benefits (FWB) relationship with you

• Possibly even if you or they are in a relationship or married

• Because they're mostly interested in the here-and-now (as opposed to long term)

• By sexting to get your attention or string you along (see my article on breadcrumbing)

Playful Flirting as Complementary to the Physical Flirting Style

As mentioned in my last article, the Playful Flirting Style is complementary to the Physical Flirting Style.

Playful and Physical Flirting Styles

According to Dr. Hall, it's common for people who use playful flirting to also use physical flirting.  This can lead to intense sexual chemistry and attraction if both people are interested.

Men and Women

Both men and women use the Playful Flirting Style with or without physical flirting.

Even though playful flirts are usually socially adept, they're often rebellious, they are less likely to adhere to social conventions (as compared to polite or traditional flirts, which will be discussed in future articles).  

Some playful flirts can be somewhat callous, and if someone's feelings get hurt, they don't feel remorse because they feel this comes with the territory.

For many people who use the Playful Flirting Style, flirting is mostly fun and games.

Many playful flirts like to remain single to be able to continue to engage in playful flirting unfettered by a committed relationship.

Even the ones who are in a committed relationship might flirt with others in front of their partners and think nothing of it because, from their point of view, they don't mean anything by it.  As far as they're concerned, they're mostly flirting for the sake of flirting and it's meaningless to them.

Age

According to Dr. Hall, the Playful Flirting Style is most prevalent among 25-35 year olds--although any of the flirting styles can be used at any time, at any age and with anyone.

Why Do People Use Playful Flirting?

Based on Dr. Hall's research, here are some of the reasons why people use playful flirting:

• It makes them feel good because it's an ego boost.

• It's how they connect with people.

• They often don't care if the other person flirts back with them since they're not necessarily looking for anything to happen.

• Women who use playful flirting often use it as a way to get attention and signal an interest in the other person.

• Some men, who are pickup artists, also known as players, use the combination of giving a woman a compliment at the same time they criticize her, which is meant as a manipulation to get her to defend herself (this is called negging).  They see this as their way of flirting but, unlike other playful flirts, they usually have a particular agenda, which is to make a sexual conquest.

See my article: The Sincere Flirting Style

Conclusion

Playful flirting is one of five flirting styles, as defined by researcher and author Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

In reality, people are often a combination of flirting styles and some styles are more likely to occur in combination others. For instance, playful and physical flirting often go together.

Both men and women engage in playful flirting, which is usually meant to be casual.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.