Relationship Skills: What is Self Awareness?

The ability to be self aware is an important skill.  It's a necessary skill in all relationships, and it can be especially challenging in romantic relationships because there are so many emotional layers in terms of what's going on between the two people.

What is Self Awareness?

There is what's happening now between the two people as well as what each of them bring from their family history, history in other relationships and other significant emotional experiences, including positive as well as traumatic experiences.

What is Self Awareness and How Does It Develop?

Self awareness is the ability to:

• tap into your own feelings, thoughts and actions
• recognize your own strengths and challenges
• recognize how your own feelings, thoughts and actions affect how you feel about yourself and others
• recognize other people's emotional needs and feelings
• recognize how you affect others
• recognize how other people see you

    Early Childhood Experiences

Self awareness starts in childhood when parents and other people close to the children reflect back to them the emotions they are experiencing.

Let's start by looking at an early childhood example in Scenario 1 when parenting goes well i and Scenario 2 when it goes wrong.

Example:

For instance, a child of three or four, who is experiencing a temper tantrum because their mother just told them that they can only choose one toy and not two in the toy store, is not at a developmental stage yet to understand their emotional reaction.  

They don't have the ability yet to self reflect or have self awareness in this situation where they're upset, so they depend on the parent to help them.

Scenario 1:

The mother responds to the child, "I know you're really sad and angry that you can't have this other toy and that's why you're so upset." 

She is doing more than just trying to calm the child down.  

The Parent Helps the Child with Overwhelming Emotions

She is helping the child to identify what they are feeling by putting words to the child's emotions. 

By framing the child's experience with words, she is also providing a metaphorical container for the overwhelming emotions the child is experiencing so they can feel more manageable.

Let's say, as part of comforting the child, she is holding the child so she is physically soothing the child.  

At the same time, she is also letting the child know that, even though they are upset now, things are going to be okay.  She is also letting the child know that, even though they might be angry with the mother at that moment, she still loves them.  Their relationship remains stable.

She is also normalizing the child's reaction at the same time she is still setting a boundary with them.  So, she's not changing her mind and giving the child the other toy just to get the child to be quiet, which would be inconsistent parenting.  She's communicating in a way the child can understand by comforting the child at the same time she sets limits with the child.  

Over time, with the help of the mother (or whoever is the primary caregiver), this child learns that they can get upset and survive the upset.  This is an internal experience of knowing from many prior similar experiences.

This isn't a concept the child can put into words at such a young age.  Instead, it's something they internalize at a deep level that will continue to develop over time throughout their life if they are parented in this way.

Over time, if all else goes relatively well, this child will develop the ability to name their emotions as well as a tolerance for frustration in ways that are manageable.  

When this child becomes an adult, they will have internalized this self knowledge many times over.  It will be a comfort during challenging times ("I've gotten through other hard experiences") and contributes to their self awareness.

Scenario 2:  Same Situation (Child is upset about not getting a second toy)

The mother responds, "I'm only buying you one toy! Stop being such a baby!  Don't be selfish! You're driving me crazy!"

How Problems With Self Awareness Begin

Obviously, this isn't an appropriate or helpful way to respond to a child.  But more than that, this child isn't being soothed.  Instead, the child is being criticized and made to feel like an emotional burden ("I'm not lovable").

In Scenario 2 the child is left on their own to fend with overwhelming feelings of sadness and anger.  

On top of that, the child not only has to cope with their own feelings alone but the child is also being told indirectly that they are responsible for the mother's feelings.

There is no emotional support, no emotional containment or framing of the experience for this child.

If this is an ongoing experience, the child will grow up without developing self awareness. They would probably also feel they are an emotional burden to people who are close to them, including romantic relationships (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

They will also probably suppress uncomfortable emotions because they never learned how to tolerate these feelings in manageable ways when they were younger with the help of a caregiver.

This second scenario isn't about blaming parents.  Usually when a parent responds in this way, it's because their own feelings were also dismissed when they were younger.  This is what they internalized and, without any other mitigating factors, this is how they parent their own children.

Next Article

This article is the first in a series about self awareness. 

I'll continue this to discuss this topic in my next article:

Relationship Skills: Why is Self Awareness Important to You as an Individual and in Your Relationship?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Does Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment Look Like in a Relationship?

In my prior article, Relationships: What Are the Underlying Issues With the Cat-and-Mouse Game?, I discussed the relationship dynamics of emotional pursuers and withdrawers and the underlying issues involved, including the pursuer's fear of abandonment and the withdrawer's fear of engulfment.

In the current article I'm focusing on what fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment look like in the same relationship.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that people who are loved and cherished will leave. Although anyone can develop a fear of abandonment at any time, most of the time it's rooted in childhood trauma.  For instance, it could mean the loss of a parent who moved out or who died.  

This fear makes it difficult to have adult romantic relationships because this person feels vulnerable to being left in the same way s/he was left as a child (see my article: Fear of Abandonment).

What is Fear of Engulfment?

Fear of engulfment in a relationship is a fear of being trapped and smothered as well as a fear of losing independence.  

People who fear being engulfed show their fear by behaving emotionally indifferent, withdrawn, or distant.  They might cheat on their partner as a way of distancing themselves and creating emotional distance in the relationship. They might also find other ways to punish the partner who is an emotional pursuer.

This fear develops during childhood within an enmeshed family where family members were intrusive with each other and did not respect each other's personal boundaries (see my article: Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family).

Clinical Vignette

People who fear being abandoned often choose people who fear engulfment and vice versa.  These are not conscious choices.  These choices occur unconsciously.  

The clinical vignette below illustrates how this dynamic between the emotional pursuer (the person who fears being abandoned) and the emotional withdrawer (the person who fears being engulfed) plays out and how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples can help (see my article: What is EFT Therapy For Couples?).

This is just one way that fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment manifest in a relationship.  There are many other ways it can show up in a relationship.  However, the scenario presented below is a common example of this dynamic.

This vignette is made up of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Meg and Todd

Meg and Todd, who were both in their mid-30s, met and they felt immediate chemistry for each other. They began dating soon after they met.

During the first few months, they spent a lot of time together, which was fun, and sex was passionate, which they both enjoyed.  

As the relationship got serious, problems arose.  Meg realized how much she cared for Todd and she worried he might end the relationship and she would be devastated.  She was familiar with her fear of abandonment from psychotherapy sessions she attended in the past.  

Meg knew from her prior therapy that her fear of abandonment was related to a real abandonment that occurred when she was five when her father walked out of the house and he was never to be seen again.  

Although she knew about the origin of her fear, she didn't know how to stop it from happening whenever she developed deeper feelings for someone.  So, her insight about her fear didn't help her when she felt worried.

During this same time, as Todd developed stronger feelings for Meg, an old fear of his surface--his fear of being engulfed in the relationship.  

Initially, he liked spending a lot of time with Meg, but now that their relationship was much more serious, he felt trapped.  Todd wanted to spend less time with her and have more time to himself.  

He felt annoyed whenever Meg told him about plans she wanted to make with him.  Outwardly, he went along with it, but inwardly he felt like screaming that he cared about her, but he needed his independence.  

He also sensed how fearful she was that their relationship wouldn't work out and he would leave, which he secretly thought about whenever he felt especially trapped.

Things came to a head six months into the relationship when Meg told Todd she wanted to talk about the relationship.  From her earnest look, Todd knew Meg was going to ask him where he thought the relationship was going and if he was thinking of a future with her.  He was also aware that Meg wanted to get pregnant in the next year or two and this added to the pressure (see my article: Is It Time For "The Talk"?).

When they sat down to talk, they were both silent at first.  Meg seemed to be waiting for Todd to speak and Todd was silent and dreading this conversation.  Finally, Todd broke the silence by telling Meg that he cared for her a lot, but he had mixed feelings about whether they had a future together.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment in a Relationship

This was exactly what Meg feared and she broke down crying uncontrollably.  Her fear of abandonment was being triggered. 

Seeing her reaction, Todd wasn't sure what to do.  On the one hand, he felt he should comfort her.  But, on the other hand, he felt like running away because he felt overwhelmed by her reaction.  Todd's fear of being engulfed was being triggered.

So, they were both triggered.  Meg sat crying on the couch and Todd suppressed his urge to run out of the room.  It was almost as if he was paralyzed.

At Meg's insistence, they started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist (see my article: How EFT For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship).

Todd just went along with it at first to please Meg.  But as time went on, he became curious and more engaged in couples therapy.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Meg and Todd to look at their negative cycle together.  Rather than blame each other, she helped them to get curious about their dynamic.  

As they continued to attend couples therapy, Meg learned that she was an emotional pursuer and Todd learned he was an emotional withdrawer and their dynamics were rooted in their childhood experiences (see my article: Emotional Pursuers).

Todd learned that he developed his fear of engulfment due to the dynamics in his enmeshed family.  Both of his parents were strict disciplinarians.  They were highly critical and imposed their will on him until he got fed up and moved out after he graduated college.  Even after he was on his own, his parents refused to respect Todd's personal boundaries.  

Even now that he was in his mid-30s, they expressed their strong negative opinions about almost everything he did.  So, he had a lot of pent up resentment towards them and these experiences created a fear of being trapped and overwhelmed.

Gradually, Tom came to see how his emotional withdrawal with Meg was related to his unresolved childhood experiences (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally - Part 1 and Part 2).

Unlike her prior therapy, which was cognitive behavioral (CBT), Meg experienced EFT, which is a type of experiential therapy, in an embodied way.  Instead of having just intellectual understanding about her fear of abandonment, she felt the insight emotionally as well as viscerally.

Their therapist explained to them how people often make unconscious choices when they choose someone to be in a relationship.  She explained that these choices often bring up what they fear the most.  

In other words, an emotional pursuer often unconsciously chooses an emotional withdrawer and vice versa for an emotional withdrawer.

As Meg and Todd learned to turn towards each other to work together to change their negative dynamic, they grew closer together.  

EFT Helps Couples to Develop a Healthier Relationship

By the time they completed EFT couples therapy, Meg and Todd changed their negative cycle into a healthier dynamic.  

There were still times when Meg still feared being abandoned and Todd still feared being engulfed, but they were able to talk about it and get out of that negative cycle based on what they learned in EFT (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Both Stuck).

Eventually, Todd and Meg each got into their own individual therapy to work on their own. unresolved childhood trauma that created their fears.  Working through the trauma enabled them to free themselves of the fears that manifested in their relationship.

Conclusion

It's not unusual for a person with a fear of abandonment and a person with fear of engulfment to unconsciously choose each other for a relationship.

A couple with this dynamic can get stuck in a negative cycle indefinitely because they don't understand the dynamic they are in and they don't know how to stop it.  T

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which is an attachment-based therapy, helps couples to understand their dynamic and then work together to change it so they can have a healthier relationship together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

Relationships: What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat-and-Mouse Game?

The origin of the phrase "Cat-and-Mouse Game" dates back to 17th Century England.  This phrase refers to actions involving the constant pursuit, near capture and repeated escapes of two people stuck in this dynamic. 

The Underlying Issues of the Cat-and-Mouse Game

What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat-and-Mouse Game?

The Cat-and-Mouse Game is similar to the cartoon characters, Tom and Jerry:  Tom, the cat, always almost captures Jerry, the mouse, but somehow Jerry always manages to get away.  

The result of this pursuer-withdrawer dynamic is that they continually engage in this dance of pursuit, near capture, and flight (see my articles: Are You Afraid of Being Emotionally Intimate in a Relationship? and Fear of Abandonment).

The Cat-and-Mouse Game usually involves an unconscious fear of either fear of engulfment or fear of abandonment.  There is an ambivalent quality to the dynamics of these two people, who might want to be together. but when it appears they are getting closer together, one or both of them distance themselves.

Fear of engulfment is extreme distress or anxiety about being emotionally taken over/engulfed in a relationship with another person. The fear involves a perceived loss of independence and sense of self.  Fear of engulfment often occurs when a person feels insecure and experiences relationships as overwhelming.  This usually relates to unresolved childhood trauma where this person felt overwhelmed by one or both parents.

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that people who are close will leave.  This fear is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma where someone close, including a mother, father or another close relative, left or died.

Although the Cat-and-Mouse Game is referred to as a "game," there usually isn't a malicious intent.  Often it's more like an unspoken dance between two people, who might be unaware of what they're doing, but who are both dealing with fears within themselves.

The person in the role of the cat fears s/he will be abandoned by the mouse, so s/he pursues but also maintains some distance so there is enough space to deal with what s/he fears will be the inevitable abandonment.  

The mouse fears being engulfed or overwhelmed by the cat, so s/he maintains enough space to feel safe but close enough to maintain contact.

On an unconscious level, the cat, who is the pursuer, is interested the in the mouse because the cat knows the mouse will run.  And the mouse is interested in the cat because the mouse knows the cat will pursue the mouse.  

As long as one chases and the other pursues, they remain in contact with each other, but they also maintain a safe emotional distance which they both need for their own psychological reasons.  

The regulation of the space between them is an unconscious defensive act so that they can have contact with some distance at the same time.

The Cat-and-Mouse Game is exhausting and can be deeply painful.  Due to their fears, the two people involved often don't get close enough to have an emotionally intimate relationship.  They might really love each other, but their earlier traumatic history of abandonment or engulfment keeps them apart and stuck in this cycle.

Even people who are married or in a long term committed relationship can get caught in this dynamic.  For a period of time their relationship can be going relatively well when one of them will pick a fight with the other.  

On the surface, the fight might seem ridiculous.  But what's really going on underneath the surface is that one or both of them gets uncomfortable with being too close because it either triggers fear of abandonment/being left or fear of intimacy/being too close.  So, the unconscious reason for the fight is that it provides psychological distance.

After a while, when the psychological distance allows each of them feel safe enough, they reengage--until fear comes over them and they begin this negative cycle again.

How to Get Out of the Cat-and-Mouse Game

As I mentioned earlier, these dynamics are often deeply entrenched in an earlier traumatic history which left an indelible mark on each person.

Getting Out of the Cat-and-Mouse Game

But there is light at the end of the tunnel if both people are willing to get help in therapy.

Insight isn't enough to change this dynamic.

Often the most effective therapeutic strategy is individual trauma therapy to work through the unresolved trauma so it doesn't get continually triggered and, if the two people involved are in a relationship, couples therapy, like Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to address the negative cycle in the relationship (see my articles: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck and New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle).

Once the couple is no longer getting triggered by their traumatic histories and the negative cycle they created together, they are free to be emotionally intimate.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in an Adult Romantic Relationship

In my last article, Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in a Relationship, I discussed the importance of being emotionally vulnerable as an adult in a romantic relationship.  I discussed how being emotionally vulnerable can bring people closer and create greater emotional intimacy (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect Adult Romantic Relationships

But there are times when unresolved trauma can create an obstacle in terms of someone feeling safe enough to allow themselves to take the risk of being vulnerable, which is the topic of this article.

How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Affects Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in an Adult Romantic Relationship

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how unresolved childhood trauma creates an obstacle to emotional vulnerability and how experiential therapy can help:

Bill and Sara

When Bill and Sara first met, the chemistry between them was so strong that they both knew they wanted to be in a relationship within the first month.  

But six months into the relationship, after the new relationship energy wore off, they were getting into arguments because Sara felt her emotional needs weren't being met in their relationship.

Specifically, Sara complained to Bill that he was often emotionally distant.  At first, Bill wasn't aware of being any different from how he had always been with Sara, but he took her complaints seriously, especially when she told him that he seemed to have difficulty now being emotionally intimate.  

She told him that he didn't seem to have any problem with being close to her during the first several months of their relationship, but after that he seemed more emotionally withdrawn. 

Initially, Bill felt annoyed. He felt she was making a big deal out of nothing.  But, over time, as he continued to listen to her tell him that she felt he was distant around her, he thought about it more carefully, especially since his last two girlfriends told him the same thing.

Since he didn't want to lose another girlfriend because of complaints about his being emotionally withdrawn, Bill started therapy to work on this issue. 

He had attended cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in the past and he learned some relationship skills, but he felt CBT didn't get to the root of his problem.  

So, he chose to meet with an experiential therapist who did Somatic Experiencing and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy (see my articles: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma and Integrating EMDR and Somatic Therapy).

After hearing Bill's childhood history of childhood emotional neglect, his therapist understood why Bill was so uncomfortable allowing himself to be vulnerable with Sara and also in his previous relationships (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

His father worked long hours and when he was around, he usually spent most of his time in the basement tinkering with gadgets he was developing.  

His mother spent a lot of time doing volunteer work for several organizations, so Bill was usually left in the company of the housekeeper.  She was emotionally cold, and she was  also preoccupied with her duties, so she didn't have time for Bill.

As a child, Bill was aware that he wasn't supposed to interrupt his father when he was tinkering with his gadgets or bother his mother when she got home.  This was made very clear to him by both parents. 

So, as an only child, he often felt lonely and as if he was a nuisance to his parents (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Whenever he went to visit his friends, Bill was surprised to see how warm and affectionate his friends' parents were with them.  This was so different from his own experience with his parents.

Now that he was in therapy as an adult, he admitted to his therapist that it was easier for him to tell Sara that he loved her during the first few months.  But after that, he felt uncomfortable and he didn't understand why.  

His therapist explained to Bill that as a couple gets closer and a relationship gets deeper, unresolved childhood issues come up and affect the relationship--especially issues involving emotional vulnerability (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

She also provided psychoeducation about childhood emotional neglect and how this often triggers issues with emotional intimacy in adult romantic relationships after the initial new relationship energy wears off.

At first, Bill had problems getting in touch with his fear of being emotionally vulnerable.  But working experientially with Somatic Experiencing (SE) with a recent memory of his discomfort when Sara asked him to tell her that he loved her.  

As he sensed into his body, he felt the right side of his neck and shoulder tense up.  He also felt a tightening in is stomach (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

His therapist asked Bill to stay with that feelings for as long as they were tolerable.  Then, she asked him to identify the emotions he felt that were connected to the tension in his body.  

At first, Bill couldn't think of anything, but as he continued to stay with his bodily experience, he had a sense of fear and sadness when his therapist used a technique called the Affect Bridge, which is used in hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR and other types of experiential therapy.

Over time, Bill and his therapist continued to work with this memory in subsequent therapy sessions, another memory came to him where he asked his mother to play with him when he was five years old.  

His mother had just gotten in from one of her volunteer projects and she seemed annoyed.  She told him to go to his room and play by himself, which made him feel sad and fearful of making his mother angry.

In other subsequent sessions Bill remembered trying to approach his father to try to get him to play catch with him.  But his father said he was too busy and sent Bill away to play on his own.

His therapist provided Bill with additional psychoeducation about childhood emotional neglect, which surprised Bill because he never thought of himself as being emotionally neglect, but now this made sense to him.

As Bill continued to work on these issues in therapy using the mind-body connection, he was able to put words to emotions about his early experiences of being dismissed by his parents and what came to mind for him was, "I'm not good enough" (see my article: What is the Felt Sense in Experiential Therapy?).

Over time, Bill made the connection between his early feelings of not being good enough and his fear of being emotionally vulnerable with Sara.  He realized that he had put up a wall with her--a defense mechanism to ward off his fear of being rejected, which was connected to his childhood emotional neglect and not feeling good enough. 

Deep down he feared Sara would discover that he wasn't good enough for her, so he protected himself by being emotionally distant with her.

His therapist explained EMDR Therapy to Bill and how it can help with unresolved trauma (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Experiential Therapy Can Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs

Gradually, Bill worked through his childhood trauma in therapy so that it no longer affected him in the present.  The work was neither quick nor easy.

Once he worked through his childhood trauma, being emotionally vulnerable was no longer a problem for him and he was able to express his emotional vulnerability openly with Sara without fear (see my article: Healing Old Emotional Wounds That Are Affecting Your Relationship).

Sara was happier in their relationship than she had ever been because she felt her emotional needs were now being met, and Bill was happy because he was no longer burdened by childhood trauma.

Conclusion

For the purposes of this blog article, which is short compared to scholarly articles, the vignette above is a simplified version of trauma therapy using Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapy.

In real life cases clients might need other interventions, like doing Parts Work to work through obstacles that come up in trauma therapy--obstacles which are often fairly entrenched by the time a client reaches adulthood and comes to therapy.

Generally, experiential therapy, like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing, tend to work faster than regular talk therapy because an experiential therapist is using the mind-body connection to get access to the unresolved trauma and the unconscious emotions connected to it.

It is often the case that these types of problems don't come up early in the relationship, as seen in the vignette.  At that point, couples are often carried along with the excitement of new relationship energy (NRE), which is a heightened emotional and sexual state during the beginning phase of a relationship.  

The wearing off of NRE, which is also referred to as limerance, varies for people.  However, in most cases NRE wears off anywhere from a few months to a couple of years.  At that point, the couple usually enters into a new phase of the relationship where emotionally intimacy deepens, and this is when problems with emotional vulnerability often comes up.

Without the NRE (or limerance) to carry him along in the scenario above and faced with the deepening of emotional intimacy in the relationship, Bill's unconscious fears of allowing himself to be vulnerable surfaced.

Before he attended therapy, Bill would not have made the connection between his early childhood neglect (and the fear this engendered in him) and his emotional withdrawal from Sara.  It was only when he began doing Somatic Experiencing in therapy that he felt the connection--physically and emotionally--between his childhood experiences and his current relationship with Sara.

Getting Help in Therapy

Unresolved childhood trauma often creates obstacles once a romantic relationship deepens and one or both people feel the need to withdraw emotionally to protect themselves.  Most of the time, this occurs on an unconscious level so they are not aware of what is causing it.

Since emotions are stored in the body, experiential therapy creates a connection between the mind and the body so that clients are able to have a felt sense of these issues.

Once the original trauma is worked through, the client is free of their traumatic history so they can allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable without fear.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Therapy and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at  (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

There are many misconceptions about emotional vulnerability.  Emotional vulnerability is often described as negative and mislabeled as being "weak." But rather than being weak, vulnerability is actually a strength, which is the focus of this article (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship and Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

What is Emotional Vulnerability?

Before we delve into how emotional vulnerability is a strength in relationships, let's first define it.

Emotional vulnerability involves risk, uncertainty and exposing your emotions. 

You can experience emotional vulnerability when you try something new by going outside your comfort zone.  

Vulnerability is a natural part of personal growth (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Vulnerability is also inevitable.  In general, aside from relationships, you can't live your life without ever feeling emotionally vulnerable.

For instance, when you challenge yourself to take a public speaking class and it's your turn to go up in front of the class to give your talk, you can feel a rush of emotions, including fear, embarrassment, uncertainty and other difficult emotions.  But afterwards, you can feel proud that you did something difficult, and accomplished because you were able to give your talk in front of your classmates--despite your fear.

What is Emotional Vulnerability in Relationships?

Putting yourself out there for a potential relationship often feels risky because you're opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt.  Of course, you're also opening yourself to the possibility of experiencing love.  

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

Even though being emotionally vulnerable can feel uncomfortable, it's the only way you can hope to find love in an intimate relationship.  

It's normal to feel somewhat scared when you open up emotionally to someone else. It takes courage to push through your fear to allow yourself to be vulnerable (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

In order to have what you want in terms of being in a relationship, you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to take a chance.  

This doesn't mean you completely open your heart when you first meet someone.  Instead, it's a gradual opening over time as you get to know someone and feel more comfortable opening up more emotionally to that person (see my article: Intimate Relationships Provide You New Ways to Get to Know Yourself).

Tips on Being Vulnerable

• Practice Self Compassion: Rather than berating yourself for your fear of being vulnerable, practice self compassion. Recognize that you're being brave when you allow yourself to open up to yourself and to someone you care about.

• Be in the Moment: Rather than focusing on what someone else might think or say, keep your thoughts in the present moment.  Rather than thinking about what might happen, just focus on now.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful in terms of helping you to develop the skill to be in the present moment.

• Don't Focus on Other People's Opinions of You: Other people are mostly focused on themselves. When you focus on how you think others will see you, you are often projecting your own negative feelings about yourself onto others. You also can't control what other people are thinking, so try not to worry about it.  

• Take a Breath to Calm Yourself: If you're feeling nervous, take a moment to focus on your breath and bring your attention to your body.  Slow down and don't allow negative thoughts to overtake you (see my article: Learning to Relax: Square Breathing).

• Share Your Feelings: When you have gotten to know someone and you care about them, sharing your feelings can deepen your relationship with them.  This can feel risky, especially if you're not sure if they care about you in the same way. But there's only one way to find out and that's by sharing your feelings. 

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

As I have mentioned in previous articles, emotional vulnerability is a pathway to greater emotional intimacy so that it's a definite strength in a relationship.

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

Emotional vulnerability

• Allows you to be your authentic self
• Helps to build empathy between you and your significant other 
• Can take down the walls or defensive barriers between you and others
• Can give you confidence to be even more vulnerable
• Can encourage the other person to be emotionally vulnerable with you
• Helps you to connect with people who are accepting of you

Obstacles to Emotional Vulnerability

If you grew up in a family where it wasn't safe to express your emotions or you didn't see others expressing vulnerable emotions, you might have a particularly difficult time being vulnerable (see my article: Are You Afraid of Emotional Intimacy? and How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Unresolved trauma from the past, including childhood emotional neglect or abuse, might be getting in your way (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Creates Negative Expectations About the Future).

You might

• Not know what you really feel because you were discouraged from expressing emotions as a child and you didn't learn to identify your emotions
• Not have the words to express how you feel
• Think you have to express yourself "perfectly"
• Be so afraid of rejection that you feel emotionally paralyzed
• Catastrophize about all the things you imagine can go wrong to the point where you don't express yourself--even though you really want to do it
• Fear you'll be embarrassed by your feelings
• Become emotionally paralyzed by shame
• Numb yourself to your real feelings

Next Article

I'll focus on how you can overcome obstacles to emotional intimacy in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma specialist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.