Self Soothing With the Butterfly Hug to Cope With Anxiety and Depression

I have been focusing on self soothing techniques as coping strategies in my last two articles (How to Cope With Touch Deprivation During the COVID-19 Crisis and Self Soothing Practices to Cope With Touch Deprivation).  

I'm continuing to focus on self soothing as a coping strategy to deal with anxiety and depression by discussing a particular strategy that you can easily use, the Butterfly Hug (see my article: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Pandemic).

Self Soothing With the Butterfly Hug to Cope With Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and Depression Are on the Rise Due to the COVID-19 Pandemic

As you probably know, incidents of anxiety and depression have been way up since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.  

There has also been a significant increase in touch deprivation due to the need to be socially distant to reduce the risk of contracting the virus, especially among people who live alone.  

Touch deprivation, in turn, has caused anxiety, depression and loneliness to skyrocket (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Isolation During the COVID-19 Pandemic).  

Although we know that the pandemic will eventually end, we don't know when it will end. So, to cope with these emotional challenges, it's important to find ways to reduce emotional distress before it causes long term physical and emotional consequences.  

In my prior article, I discussed various self soothing ways to help you feel better, including self massage, self pleasuring and various other suggestions.

In this article, I'm focusing on the Butterfly Hug as an effective way to help you feel better.

What is the Butterfly Hug?

The Butterfly Hug is an easy relaxation technique you can use as part of your self care routine.  

It was developed by two EMDR therapists, Lucina (Lucy) Artigas and Ignacio Jarero in 1998 when they traveled to Acapulco, Mexico to help people who were traumatized by Hurricane Pauline.  

Not only is the Butterfly Hug easy to do, but you can use this relaxation technique at any time to help yourself to feel better.  Most clients really like it.

This relaxation technique is also used as a self soothing resource in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy for clients to use either in an EMDR therapy session or between sessions.  

Over the years, this resource has been shown to be effective in reducing anxiety, depression, stress and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) related to trauma.  

How Does the Butterfly Hug Help Your Mind and Body to Relax?

The brain is divided into two hemispheres--the right brain and the left brain. 

The left brain primarily controls tasks related to logic, and the right brain primarily controls tasks related to emotions and creativity and, of course, they work together so you can function in your everyday life.

The Butterfly Hug is a form of bilateral stimulation (BLS). Bilateral stimulation is an important aspect of EMDR therapy. 

In EMDR therapy, BLS can take the form of eye movements from left to right or alternate tapping of knees, arms or feet. 

It's used in EMDR to activate, stimulate and integrate the right and left hemispheres of the brain.  As previously mentioned, it can also be used to self soothe to reduce anxiety, stress and depression.  In addition, it can help you to feel more grounded (see my article: How to Use Grounding Techniques to Stay Calm).

How to Use the Butterfly Hug For Self Soothing to Cope With Anxiety and Depression

• Find a quiet place where you'll have privacy and you can sit comfortably.

• If you feel safe closing your eyes, close them.  If not, find a specific spot on the floor where you can lower your gaze to focus on that spot so you're not distracted.

• Begin to relax by taking a couple of deep breaths and using the Square Breathing technique (see my article: Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Notice any emotions that might come up for you and continue to breathe.  

• If there are any disturbing thoughts or emotions come up, imagine you can place each one on a cloud and watch it float away as you continue to breathe.

• Cross your hands so that one hand is on top of the other in the shape of butterfly wings across your chest.  With thumbs pointed towards your chin, fan out your fingers.  

• Begin alternate tapping with each hand on your chest (right tap, left tap, right tap, left tap, and so on) as if your hands are butterfly wings.  The tapping is done in a slow rhythmic way. Remember to continue to breathe (instead of holding onto your breath).

• Continue tapping until you feel calmer.

Getting Help in Therapy

Similar to other self soothing techniques, the Butterfly Hug is a self help technique that can bring you comfort, but if you find that this technique only brings you temporary relief from your symptoms, you could benefit from seeking professional help from a licensed psychotherapist.

A skilled therapist can help you to overcome symptoms related to anxiety and depression, assist you to develop better coping strategies, and help you to develop increased self confidence to deal with life's inevitable ups and downs.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can overcome your problems and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Soothing Practices to Cope With Touch Deprivation During the COVID-19 Crisis

 In my prior article, How to Cope With Touch Deprivation During the COVID-19 Crisis, I began a discussion about touch deprivation.  I suggested ways to mitigate the loneliness and social isolation by staying socially connected with others online while distancing physically to avoid the risk of contracting the Coronavirus (see my article: The Physical and Emotional Impact of Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Pandemic). In this article, I'm focusing on self soothing practices you can use to cope with touch deprivation as a result of social isolation.

Self Soothing Practices to Cope With Touch Deprivation

Safety Precautions During COVID-19 Pandemic

As you probably know, the CDC's recommendations to reduce the risk of contracting the COVID-19 virus include, among other safety measures, social distancing of at least 6 feet.  

While remaining physically distant is important to reduce the risk of getting COVID-19, many people, especially people who live alone, are experiencing unintended consequences of loneliness, anxiety and depression as a result of touch deprivation.

What is Touch Deprivation (also known as Skin Hunger)?

Let's start by defining touch deprivation, which is also known as skin hunger.

Skin is the largest sensory organ we have, and skin hunger is a deep longing for physical contact with another person. 

As I mentioned in my prior article, touch is the first sense we acquire as infants, and it's crucial for infants' survival.  Being hugged or touched by someone you care about fulfills both emotional and physical needs throughout the life cycle.  

When people can no longer experience hugs and other forms of tactile comfort, they are deprived of one of the most important elements of physical and emotional comfort.

Being deprived of skin-to-skin contact for a long period of time can have profound physical and emotional consequences, including:

• Increased anxiety
• Increased stress levels
• Increased cortisol levels
• Depressed mood
• Poor sleep
• Feelings of loneliness and isolation

How to Cope With Touch Deprivation

There are self soothing practices that you can engage in to cope with touch deprivation, including:

• Practicing Self Massage: When you're feeling touch deprived and lonely, you can give yourself a massage.  Depending upon what you enjoy, you can use your favorite massage oil to slowly and gently massage your body to feel physically and emotionally comforted.

How to Cope With Touch Deprivation

• Engaging in Self Pleasure/Masturbation: Self pleasure is a broad category, which includes whatever you find physically pleasurable. Everyone is different in terms of what s/he likes. So, if you're not sure, you can explore what feels pleasurable to you.  As part of this exploration, you can play with different textures, including leather, feathers, soft material and other textures to feel pleasant sensations against your skin.  Self pleasure can include masturbation either with or without sex toys. When you masturbate to orgasm, you experience an increase in oxytocin and serotonin.  These hormones can reduce stress, improve sleep and provide pain relief.

• Sleeping With a Body Pillow: A body pillow is a long pillow that runs the length of your body.  Holding a body pillow while you sleep can help to calm you by offering comfort and physical support. 

• Using a Weighted Blanket: A weighted blanket is a blanket that is at least 15 pounds and it's used for therapeutic purposes to help relieve stress, anxiety and depression. The weight of the blanket helps to put the user at ease and improve the user's mood.

• Dancing: Aside from being fun, dancing, even when you're dancing alone, releases oxytocin which, as previously mentioned, helps to improve your mood and provides a sense of well-being.  

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when self soothing practices aren't enough to overcome the emotional pain of anxiety, depression or feelings of loneliness and isolation.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome your emotional pain.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced therapist so you can work through your difficulties.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Touch Deprivation During the COVID-19 Crisis

Physical touch is so important to our emotional well-being that babies instinctively reach for their mothers when they're distressed.  In response, an attuned mother holds her baby, giving the baby a hug or lightly squeezing her baby's hand to give reassurance, and the baby responds by calming down.  

The Power of Touch

The Power of Touch

Touching and being touched is so essential--and yet we're being advised by the CDC and other medical experts to socially distance ourselves during the COVID-19 pandemic to avoid being exposed to the virus.  

Although social distancing, which includes staying 6 feet or more away from others, is necessary for our health right now, it has also led to many people feeling sad, isolated, lonely and depressed due to touch deprivation, especially for people who live alone (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis)

What makes matters even worse is that the necessity of social distancing has gone on for months, and we don't know how much longer it will be before we can safely give hugs and touch again.

Before I discuss how to cope with touch deprivation, let's take a look at why touch is so important and essential to our sense of well-being.  

Coping with Touch Deprivation

Touching in all its varieties, including hugs, handshakes, a pat on the arm or back, a kiss, a sensual touch, can:

• Calm your nervous system
• Boost your immune system
• Reduce cortisol, which is a stress hormone
• Reduce physical pain
• Activate oxytocin, which is often called the "cuddle hormone." It's essential for mother-child bonding, intimate relationships and to increase your sense of well-being and calm
• Improve your mood 
• Reduce stress, anxiety and depression
• Improve your sleep 
• Reduce loneliness and feelings of isolation

Given the power of touch and that it's essential to our well-being, is it any wonder that so many people are feeling sad and depressed because they're touch deprived?

Coping With Touch Deprivation

Following CDC guidelines about social distancing is crucial during this global pandemic.  

At the same time, while it's normal to struggle with the loss of touch, you can find other ways to build connection and reduce social isolation (see my article: Undoing Feelings of Aloneness During the COVID-19 Pandemic).

• Video Chats: If you're isolated during the COVID-19 pandemic, one way to reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation is to reach out to loved ones through online video chats.  Mirror neurons, which are neurons in the brain that are activated to create an empathic response when we look at others, helps us to feel socially connected. So, being able to connect through video chat can help to mitigate feelings of sadness and loneliness.  

• Phone Calls and Looking at Photos of Loved Ones: Even if you can't connect via video chat, you can also experience the same empathic response if you look at a loved one's picture while talking to him or her on the phone.  

• Imagination: If neither video chats or phone calls are possible, using your imagination to envision yourself hugging or being hugged by a loved one can also be comforting.

• Journal Writing: Expressing your feelings in a journal can help relieve the stress and loneliness you're experiencing (see my article: Journal Writing Can Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people have been reaching out for help during this stressful time.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, know that you're not alone.  

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to navigate through this difficult time. So rather than struggling on your own, reach out for help and emotional support.  

Getting emotional support in therapy can make all the difference in helping you to improve your mood and general sense of well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resolving Relationship Problems Between Individuals With Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles

In my recent articles, I've been focusing on the effect of trauma on emotionally unavailable people with avoidant attachment style.  In my last article, Relationships: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People, I provided a vignette about two fictional characters, John and Nina, as a typical example of how the combination of two individuals with an avoidant attachment style and an anxious attachment style can impact on a relationship.  In this article, I will discuss how experiential therapy can help to resolve these problems.

Resolving Relationship Problems Between Individuals With Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles

Clinical Vignette: Resolving Relationship Problems For a Couple With Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles 

John and Nina

In the vignette about John and Nina from my prior article, John had an avoidant attachment style and Nina had an anxious attachment style.  Nina wanted to take their relationship to the next level by the two of them moving in together, but John felt that Nina was too "clingy" and preferred to maintain the status quo.  

Nina felt their relationship was stagnant.  Since Nina came from a family where problems were discussed, she wanted to have a discussion with John about their problems.  However, John, who came from a family where discussions about family or individual problems were avoided, felt uncomfortable with this.  John felt defensive whenever Nina told him that he didn't meet her emotional needs.  

Listening to his childhood stories, Nina was shocked to hear the level of emotional neglect endured by John and his siblings.  However, John didn't see it that way.  He felt that he and his siblings "built character" and learned to be more independent.  He said his family didn't need to talk about emotional issues, and he and his siblings didn't want to "bother" their parents with their problems (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).  As a result of their different perspectives, Nina and John were at an impasse.

Although Nina's family tended to be more communicative with each other, Nina grew up feeling she wasn't good enough because her parents compared her unfavorably to her sister.  She brought those same anxious feelings of inadequacy into her relationship with John.  She saw his emotional unavailability as a reflection on her, and she felt that he didn't feel she was good enough for him.  

As things came to a head in their relationship, Nina told John that she wanted each of them to attend therapy to deal with their problems.  Although he was reluctant at first, John loved Nina and he didn't want to lose her, so he agreed to see a therapist.

At the recommendation of friends, Nina and John chose experiential therapists (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

    Nina:

Nina had no problem discussing her feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in her therapy.  She was open to talking about her family history and the connection between her feelings of not being good enough in her family as well as her feeling that way in her relationship with John.  

However, Nina's feelings of inadequacy also carried over into her relationship with her therapist.  She worried that she wasn't being a good enough client in her therapy.  Sensing Nina's feelings of not being good enough her therapist raised the issue so they could talk about it.  She told Nina that issues that clients face in their daily life often surface in therapy, so this wasn't unusual.  When she heard this, Nina admitted that she worried that her therapist might think that she wasn't as insightful or making the kind of progress that other clients might be making.  

Being able to discuss this issue in therapy helped Nina to see how her insecurities and anxious attachment style affected almost every area in her life, and that the origin of these feelings came from her childhood experiences.  

Being able to talk about her anxious, insecure feelings was a relief for Nina.  She could see how the trauma of her parents constantly pointing out that she didn't measure up to her sister affected her and carried over into her adult relationships, including her relationship with John.  

To overcome this trauma, her therapist recommended EMDR therapy (How Does EMDR Therapy Work?).  Over time, Nina grieved for her childhood experiences, and she began to feel more confident in her relationship with John and in her relationships in general.

Nina also began to understand and have compassion for herself as well as for John for his experiences of emotional neglect as a child.  She could see the connection between his childhood experiences and his avoidant attachment style, so she became more patient with John.

    John:

Although John was initially reluctant to attend individual therapy, he tried to be more open and less defensive in his therapy.  He liked his therapist, which helped him to feel more at ease in therapy.  He was also curious about how individual attachment styles affect relationships (How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Although he was reluctant to talk about his family history at first, he felt genuinely cared about by his therapist and this helped him to open up.  As he talked about himself as a child who didn't want to bother his parents with his problems, he realized that he was neglected as a child.  This surprised him because when he spoke to Nina about it, he felt a sense of pride that he learned to be emotionally "independent" as a child. But, without the pressure of Nina complaining to him about their relationship, he was more open and he began to see how sad and lost he felt as a child without emotional support.

His experiential therapist practiced AEDP therapy and, as part of that therapy, she did Ego States work (also known as Parts Work).  She asked John to imagine himself as a young boy at home with his family and what it was like to feel so alone.  In response, John told her that he remembered telling himself as a boy that he would never depend on anyone ever.  This brought tears to John's eyes.

Then John's therapist asked him to shift his focus from his childhood self to his adult self who was looking at his childhood self.  In response, John felt nurturing feelings for his childhood self and imagined giving his younger self a hug and reassurance that he would always be there for him.

His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, however, over time, John was able to see the connection between his childhood emotional neglect and his avoidant attachment style.  And, as he developed a greater sense of trust in his therapist, he also opened up and became more loving towards Nina.

    John and Nina:

As each of them worked through their emotional issues in therapy, John and Nina got closer.  They were able to talk more easily about the problems in their relationship.  Nina no longer felt anxious that she wasn't good enough in John's eyes.  John no longer saw Nina as "clingy" and he wanted to make a greater commitment to their relationship.  Within a year of being in their individual therapies, they moved in together and talked about getting married.

Conclusion

Attachment styles develop in early childhood.  

People with avoidant and anxious attachment styles often get together in relationships.  It's one of the most common pairings.  Often, their individual attachment styles eventually alienates them from each other, as in the case of John and Nina.  

Depending upon the needs of the couple, it's often beneficial for each person to attend individual therapy to understanding the roots of their attachment style and work through unresolved trauma before they can resolve their problems in their relationship.

If the couple is still having relationship problems, Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) can be helpful so they can see how their individual patterns relate to their relationship issues and work to change problematic patterns.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from attending therapy with an experiential therapist.

Regular talk therapy can help you to develop intellectual insight into your problems, but often the problem doesn't change because insight alone isn't enough.  

Although insight is important, experiential therapists know that change occurs on an emotional level--not just on an intellectual level.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC experiential psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently working online with clients.  Online therapy is also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy), 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People

In my prior article I began a discussion about people who are emotionally unavailable with an avoidant attachment style.  I'm continuing the discussion about this topic in this article with a clinical vignette that illustrates the impact of trauma and how these issues often affect relationships (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Relationships: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People

The Major Characteristics of Emotionally Unavailable People/Avoidant Attachment Style
Before I provide a clinical vignette, here's a recap of some of the major characteristics of emotionally unavailable people.

People who are emotionally unavailable usually exhibit at least some of the following characteristics, including:

• Steering clear or making attempts to reduce emotional closeness in romantic relationships 

• Avoiding commitment in relationships, which can be done in a number of ways:

• Giving mixed signals about being in a committed relationship

• Stating explicitly they only want to be in a non-monogamous relationship

• Agreeing to be monogamous in a relationship but betraying this agreement with infidelity (i.e., cheating by having sexual affairs on the side)

• Labeling their partner as "clingy," "emotionally needy," "wanting too much" and "a nag" when their partner wants to be closer

• Feeling "trapped" in a committed relationship (if they do make a commitment)

• Tuning out when their partner attempts to talk to them about wanting to be closer

• Seeing themselves as being emotionally "independent" (however, this is really a pseudo-independence because it's an unconscious defensive strategy to cover underlying fear)

• Becoming emotionally distant and aloof during an argument, conflict or other stressful situations

• Seeking a partner's emotional support in a crisis indirectly by hinting, complaining or sulking rather than being direct in their communication

• Using an unconscious defensive strategy of trying to display a high regard for themselves while being suspicious, cynical and dismissive of other people's vulnerabilities and what they perceive as "weakness" in other people (this defensive strategy protects a fragile sense of self and feelings of low self worth)

• Reacting angrily when their partner does not affirm and support their defensive strategy of an inflated sense of self

• Struggling with an internal critical voice, which is in conflict with their defensive strategy of an inflated sense of self.  This internal critical voice often involves thoughts like:

• "You're independent. You don't need anyone else."

• "Don't get too close or you'll be hurt and disappointed."

• "Why is she (or he) so demanding?"

• "There are more important things in life than being in a relationship."

• "She's not good enough for you" or "You're too good for her."

• "Being in a relationship involves putting up with a lot."

A Clinical Vignette: Relationships: The Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People
The following fictional vignette illustrates typical problems people who are emotionally unavailable with an avoidant attachment style can have in a relationship. People with an avoidant attachment style often get together with people who have an anxious attachment style:

John
John met Nina at a mutual friend's party when they were both in their late 30s.  He sensed the chemistry between them immediately and he liked her obvious intelligence and quirky sense of humor.

Three years later, they were struggling to salvage their relationship.  John resented what he perceived as Nina's "clinginess."  He felt she was always making too many emotional demands of him, and he couldn't understand why she couldn't just be happy with what they had in their relationship.  He really didn't like that she was constantly telling him that he wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

Nina felt that their relationship was at a point where it was stagnant and no longer developing.  She would have liked for them to move in together, but John said he needed his space and he wanted to continue to live on his own.  Other than saying this, he refused to talk about the subject any further because he didn't see the point.

When Nina explained that she came from a family where they talked about their feelings and if there was a problem, they would have a family meeting to discuss it, John laughed scornfully about this, "No one had time in my family to talk about feelings. Both of my parents worked long hours and when they got home, they were too exhausted to talk.  My brothers and I weren't coddled like you were.  We had to learn to fend for ourselves and that's what made me the independent person that I am today."

When Nina listened to the stories John told about his family, she was shocked by John's childhood history of emotional neglect, and she was even more shocked that he took pride in it (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

"When my parents came home from work, we knew not to bother them with our problems," John explained, "because we knew if we did, they would get angry that we were bothering them, and they would tell us to go figure it out on our own. That made us strong and built character."

In contrast, Nina knew that she could always go to either of her parents with anything that was bothering her and they never turned her away.  But the one problem she had in her family was that her parents tended to compare her unfavorably with her older sister, Laura, who excelled academically and who was very popular in school.  As a result, Nina grew up feeling, compared to her sister, she wasn't good enough, which made her anxious, and she was always trying to prove herself to her parents.

She had a similar feeling with John.  She felt John didn't see her as "good enough" and this was why he didn't make more of a commitment to their relationship. It was only after she threatened to leave him that he agreed to be monogamous with her, and she was aware that he only agreed to it reluctantly.  After he made the commitment, he complained to her that he felt "trapped" in their relationship, which hurt her feelings.

She was also aware that John struggled to ask her for emotional support.  Rather than asking directly, he would complain about the pressures he felt at work and the headaches he would get by the time he came home.  She was more than willing to be emotionally supportive, but she never knew when John would accept her support or when he would tell her that her attempts at being emotionally supportive were "too much" and she needed to "back off."

As they approached their four year anniversary together, Nina told John that she felt lonely in their relationship, even when they were together, because he was so emotionally aloof with her.  She finally told him that she wouldn't remain in their relationship unless he got help in therapy. 

At first, John resisted the idea of going to therapy, "I don't need therapy.  No one in my family ever went to therapy." But he also loved Nina and he didn't want to lose her, so after he thought about it for a while, he reluctantly agreed to go to therapy.  But he agreed to it on the condition that Nina would get into her own individual therapy too, which she agreed to do.

Conclusion:
People with an anxious attachment style, like Nina, often get into relationships with people who have an avoidant attachment style, like John. This is an unconscious process where people choose a partner that confirms how they feel about themselves.

As previously mentioned and illustrated in the vignette above, people with an avoidant attachment style often feel that their partner is too emotionally demanding when the partner asks to be closer to them.  In contrast, people with an anxious attachment style often feel they're "not good enough" and unconsciously choose a partner that confirms this feeling through their emotional aloofness.

This contrast in attachment styles usually brings conflict as each person feels misunderstood by the other.

Although Nina's family was more open and communicative as compared with John's family, Nina grew up feeling she wasn't good enough when her parents compared her to her older sister.  This trauma contributed to her anxious attachment style.

Nina's anxious attachment style kept her striving in her relationship with John (and in prior relationships) to try to get more from him emotionally. And when she couldn't get more from him, this confirmed to her over and over again that she was unworthy.

John's family was mostly focused on survival issues, and his parents weren't emotionally available to John or his siblings.  As a result, John and his siblings learned not to seek nurturance or emotional support from their parents, and they grew up thinking they were "independent."  However, their parents' emotional neglect was traumatizing for them, and what they perceived as being independent was really a pseudo independence, a defense mechanism that covered over their anger and sadness about being neglected.

Even though Nina felt deep down that she wasn't worthy of John's love and attention, even she had her limits.  She could see that their relationship was stagnant.  She felt that John had many more problems than she did, but she agreed to attend her own individual therapy so she could have a place to talk about her relationship concerns.

In my next article, I'll explore how experiential therapy can help with the problems in John and Nina's relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in their life.  

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from attending therapy with an experiential therapist.

Working through the obstacles that are hindering your progress will allow you to lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing teletherapy sessions, which is also known as online therapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style of Emotionally Unavailable People

There are many misconceptions about people who are considered emotionally unavailable.  These are people who usually have an avoidant attachment style.  In this article, I am focusing on describing this emotionally unavailable dynamic, and in subsequent articles I will elaborate on the early childhood trauma that creates this dynamic and how experiential psychotherapy can help to resolve these problems.

Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style of Emotionally Unavailable People

The Underlying Problems of Emotionally Unavailable People: Early Family Trauma

As I have mentioned, I'll delve into the effect of early family trauma in a future article, but here's a brief description:

The underlying problems of emotionally unavailable people are rooted in early family dynamics with parents who were abusive and/or emotionally neglectful (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

The parents' abusive behavior can involve physical abuse and/or emotional abuse with emotional abuse including name calling, criticizing, displaying contempt for the child's need for nurturance and emotional support, and so on.

I will elaborate on the early family trauma, which includes intergenerational trauma, that creates an an emotionally unavailable/avoidant attachment style in my next article.

Relationships With People Who Are Emotionally Unavailable
Typically, people with an anxious attachment style become attracted to people with an avoidant attachment style and vice versa (see my articles: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

It's not that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles consciously set out to find each other.  These attractions occur on an unconscious level based on each person's early family history where they developed a particular attachment style. These relationships can be fraught with problems.

People who have an anxious attachment style strive to get the people with an avoidant attachment style to pay more attention to them, express their love more or make a greater commitment to the relationship. These attempts are often in vain.

People with an avoidant attachment style often feel impinged upon by their anxious partner. They might label their partners as "needy" and feel that they are always "nagging" them with complaints about the relationship.

Typically, people with an avoidant attachment style don't see themselves as having problems with emotional intimacy.  Instead, they see themselves as being "independent" and "needing space" from their partner so they can do other things.  

Often what they don't understand is that what appears to be "independence" to them is really a fear of being emotionally vulnerable, and this fear is learned at an early age due to family of origin dynamics (see my article: Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

For men, this is also reinforced by societal pressures to "be a man," "man up" and other toxic cultural distortions about masculinity and what it means to "be a man."  These cultural pressures have contributed to much confusion about masculinity and a significant factor in toxic masculinity (see my article: Feeling the Need to Be "Strong" to Avoid Feeling Your Unmet Emotional Needs).

What Are Some of the Characteristics of Someone Who is Emotionally Unavailable?
People who are emotionally unavailable usually exhibit at least some of the following characteristics, including:

• Steering clear or making attempts to reduce emotional closeness in romantic relationships 

• Avoiding commitment in relationships, which can be done in a number of ways:

• Giving mixed signals about being in a committed relationship

• Stating explicitly they only want to be in a non-monogamous relationship

• Agreeing to be monogamous in a relationship but betraying this agreement with infidelity (i.e., cheating by having sexual affairs on the side)

• Labeling their partner as "clingy," "emotionally needy," "wanting too much" and "a nag" when their partner wants to be closer

• Feeling "trapped" in a committed relationship (if they do make a commitment)

• Tuning out when their partner attempts to talk to them about wanting to be closer

• Seeing themselves as being emotionally "independent" (however, this is really a pseudo-independence because it's an unconscious defensive strategy to cover underlying fear)

• Becoming emotionally distant and aloof during an argument, conflict or other stressful situations

• Seeking a partner's emotional support in a crisis indirectly by hinting, complaining or sulking rather than being direct in their communication

• Using an unconscious defensive strategy of trying to display a high regard for themselves while being suspicious, cynical and dismissive of other people's vulnerabilities and what they perceive as "weakness" in other people (this defensive strategy protects a fragile sense of self and feelings of low self worth)

• Reacting angrily when their partner does not affirm and support their defensive strategy of an inflated sense of self.

• Struggling with an internal critical voice, which is in conflict with their defensive strategy of an inflated sense of self.  This internal critical voice often involves thoughts like:

• "You're independent. You don't need anyone else."

• "Don't get too close or you'll be hurt and disappointed."

• "Why is she so demanding?"

• "There are more important things in life than being in a relationship."

• "She's not good enough for you" or "You're too good for her."

• "Being in a relationship involves putting up with a lot."

Conclusion

The avoidant attachment style of emotionally unavailable people develops due to early trauma in a family where normal childhood emotional needs were either dismissed, discouraged or punished.

Usually, these parents are not consciously trying to hurt their children. Instead, it's more a matter that they did not have their own emotional needs met when they were children. They might not know how to be emotionally available to their children or it might frighten them because it puts them in touch with their own emotional vulnerabilities that make them feel "weak."

These children were traumatized and hurt when they attempted to get their emotional needs met.  As a result, they grow up to be adults who either avoid emotional attachments or try to find ways to minimize them.  They usually do this out of fear rather than out of any sense of maliciousness.

Adults with an avoidant attachment style develop unconscious defensive strategies to manage their emotional needs.  These strategies are an attempt to keep from getting hurt the way they were hurt as children.  

The internal critical voice, which develops in early childhood, represents an internalization of the explicit and implicit messages from parents who discouraged emotional closeness and who might have been abusive.

People with an avoidant attachment style often get into relationships with people who have an anxious attachment style.  This is usually unconscious on both people's parts and it confirms what they believe about themselves and relationships.  

For people with an anxious attachment style, who are usually striving mightily to get the person with an avoidant attachment style to be closer, being with an emotionally unavailable person confirms that they are "unlovable" and undeserving of being with someone who can meet their emotional needs.  

Even though they might be unhappy with the emotionally unavailable person, they often feel compelled to stay in the relationship.  In fact, they might stay in this type of relationship for many years trying to convince the other person to love them and get closer to them.  They have a blind spot  they defend against seeing.

For people with an avoidant attachment style, who are trying to distance themselves from their anxious partner, their partner's anxious attachment style confirms an overall negative and cynical view of relationships and people in general.  

Since relationships with people with an anxious attachment style confirms their worldview, these relationships are compelling to them.  Even though they might complain that their partner is "too needy" and "demanding," they often remain in the relationship but complain about it.

In many cases, it's not just their perception that they are with emotionally demanding people--they actually choose people who are really emotionally dependent, clingy and demanding.  Choosing people in this way is mostly unconscious. 

Similar to people with an anxious attachment style, even though emotionally unavailable people might complain a lot about their partner, they often remain for long periods of time.  

If they do leave, their defensive structure does not allow them to grieve the end of that relationship.  Instead, they will dismiss their grief on an unconscious level so it does not come into their awareness because if they allowed themselves to feel the hurt and pain of the end of the relationship, it would trigger the hurt and pain they felt as children, which would be overwhelming.

Instead of allowing themselves to feel the pain of a breakup, they often move on (rather quickly) to be with someone else or to "play the field" with many romantic or sexual partners.

Depending upon the person, this can come across as being callous and uncaring.  But, as previously mentioned, an unwillingness to feel emotionally vulnerable often covers up a fear of getting hurt because they were hurt and traumatized as children.

When partners of people with an avoidant attachment style learn to understand the origins of these problems, it helps them to feel more empathetic and compassionate to their partner.  This does not mean that they should stay indefinitely in a relationship where their needs are not being met.  However, it might allow them to be more willing to work things out in couples therapy if both people are willing to do it.

As mentioned earlier, I will elaborate on this topic in future articles:
See my article: Relationships:The Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.

An experiential therapist can help you to overcome the problems you are unable to overcome on your own.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help from an experiential therapist.  With help, you can free yourself from your early history so you can lead a happier life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my articles:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am currently providing teletherapy, which is also known as online therapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase: Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

In Part 1 of the topic, I introduced the subject of romantic and sexual obsessions and the thrill of the chase.  As I discussed in that article, the thrill of these obsessions involves a dopamine high that occurs in anticipation of "catching" the person.

In Part 2 I expanded on this subject by discussing the first fictional vignette about Ed from Part 1 and  how experiential therapy helped.  As a continuation of this topic in this article, I'm focusing on the second fictional vignette about Jane.

Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase

Clinical Vignette: Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase:
The following fictional vignette is a continuation of Parts 1 and 2 and will illustrate how experiential therapy can help to resolve these problems:

Jane
In Part 1, I presented a fictional case about someone named Jane, a single woman in her late 30s. Although the vignette is fiction, the problems involved are real and common to many people who have romantic and sexual obsessions.

To Recap:
Jane wasn't interested in men who were interested in her.  The men she was interested in were emotionally unavailable and either only minimally or not interested at all in her. She was obsessed with these men.  She would spend most of her time ruminating about the latest man she was obsessed about.

During a six month relationship, the man she was dating told her from the start that he wanted to see other women.  However, as part of her usual obsessive pattern, Jane refused to accept this and she kept trying to convince him that he should date her exclusively.  She refused to hear him when he told her that he didn't want to be monogamous.

In the end, he stopped seeing Jane because of her constant complaints that he wasn't meeting her emotional needs and her refusal to accept that he wanted a non-monogamous dating relationship with her. 

After numerous experiences like this, Jane's self esteem plummeted.  When she attempted to date men who were interested in her and emotionally available, she wasn't attracted to them.  She didn't feel any chemistry with them--there was no "spark" (see my article: Why Are So-Called "Bad Boys" Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer).

Eventually, she wondered whether she would ever be in a healthy relationship, and she complained to her friends about her romantic experiences (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

The Story Continues: Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
After a while, Jane's friends got tired of hearing her ongoing complaints about her relationship problems, and they suggested she seek help in therapy.

During her initial therapy consultation, Jane's therapist recognized that Jane tended to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men who had an avoidant attachment style (see my articles: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships, How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship and Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

After hearing Jane's dating history and family background, the therapist explained to Jane that she was confusing the uncertainty and chaos in these relationships with love and passion. She explained that this is a common problem for many people, especially people who have an anxious (insecure) attachment style.

Jane's therapist also helped her to understand the connection between her family history with a father, who was in and out of her life throughout her childhood, with the excitement Jane felt for emotionally unavailable men who had an avoidant attachment style. She explained to Jane that people with an anxious (insecure) attachment style, like Jane's, are often attracted to people with an avoidant attachment style and vice versa.

Working Through Early Trauma in Experiential Therapy
Since her therapist was an experiential therapist, she recommended using EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy) to process Jane's early attachment trauma rooted in her family history (see my articles: EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Transforming From an Insecure to a Secure Attachment Style
Subsequently, Jane's therapist used Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy, also known as AEDP, to help Jane work through her attachment issues so that she could develop secure attachment style (see my articles: What is AEDP? Part 1 and Part 2).

As is typical in AEDP, the transformation in Jane's attachment style from insecure to secure (or better known when it is developed later in life as "earned secure") occurred over time through her relationship with her therapist.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Jane stuck with it because she could feel herself changing in this experiential, "bottom up" approach to therapy (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Top Down vs a Bottom Up Approach in Therapy).

Over time, as Jane worked through her traumatic family history and developed a secure attachment style, she was no longer attracted to emotionally unavailable men.  She learned to see the "red flags" early on and she didn't waste time trying to convince men with an avoidant attachment style to love her.

Eventually, she met John, who was emotionally available and who wanted to be in a serious relationship.  She was surprised to discover that not only was he interested in pursuing a relationship with her, but she felt physically and emotionally attracted to him.

She realized that she no longer wanted or needed the dopamine high of chasing after unavailable men.  After several months of dating, Jane and John decided to move in together and they started talking about getting married.

As Jane continued in her experiential therapy, she felt much more confident and deserving of being loved (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

When she looked back on her previous relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable, she felt no excitement at all.  Instead, she felt sad that she wasted so much time pursuing these men.  Mourning the time she lost in her life by pursuing these relationships was also a part of her therapy.

Conclusion
As I mentioned in my previous articles on this topic, romantic and sexual obsessions usually get worse over time before they get better.  Since addictive behavior tends to get worse without help, it often takes more of the same addictive dynamic to get the high--even when it's a dopamine high.

To overcome the obsessive and addictive behavior involved with romantic and sexual obsessions, it's important to overcome the underlying issues that are at the root of the problem.

These underlying problems usually have their roots in an early history of trauma, as shown in the above vignette about Jane (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Experiential therapies, like EMDR therapy and AEDP, as well as other types of experiential therapy, help clients to get beyond an intellectual insight of their problems.

These experiential therapies have a bottom up approach (as opposed to regular talk therapy, which has a top down approach). They help clients to transform on an emotional level.

An emotional transformation is significant because we now know that transformation occurs on an emotional level and not solely based on intellectual insight.

In addition, experiential therapy helps people to stop equating chaotic and confusion in a relationship with love and passion.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling with unresolved problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could work through your problems so that you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am currently providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: 
Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.