Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, Understanding Serial Monogamists , I provided basic information describing the characteristics of most serial monogamists.  Of course, each person is an individual, whether they're a serial monogamist or not, so although that article discussed the most common characteristics, there will always be individual differences.

Understanding Serial Monogamists

In this article, I'm providing two typical vignettes.  Clinical Vignette 1 is about the relationship dynamics of a person who is a serial monogamist and the other who is not. Clinical Vignette 2 is about what it's often like when two serial monogamists get together.

Needless to say, as previously mentioned, no example can encapsulate all the nuances of individual relationships, so think of these vignettes as examples of typical characteristics of these relationships.

Clinical Vignette 1: A Serial Monogamist With Someone Who Wants to Take Time to Get to Know the Other Person

June and Ed
After meeting on a dating app, texting and talking on the phone a few times, June and Ed decided to meet for a drink for their first date.  They were both in their early 40s.  June was widowed three months before, and Ed was out of his prior relationship and dating other people for almost a year.

During their first date, they both felt physical chemistry.  At the same time, although Ed enjoyed his date with June, he noticed that June spent a lot of time talking about her deceased spouse.  While he was sympathetic to June's loss, he wanted to know more about June as an individual rather than hearing about June's deceased husband, John.

He attempted to steer the conversation to other topics several times, but June kept relating these topics to her prior relationship with John.  He noticed that whenever she mentioned John's name, she would light up.  Not only did she spend a lot of time talking about her former marriage, but she had high praise for John.  She said that her spiritual belief was that he was still hovering above her, watching over and protecting her.

On the one hand, Ed thought to himself that June might not have given herself enough time to mourn the loss of John and she might not be ready to date.  But, on the other hand, he really liked her and he wanted to get to know her better.

When Ed asked June what she was looking for in a relationship, she told him that she didn't want to spend a lot of time dating.  In fact, she said, she wanted to get into a new relationship as soon as possible.  She said she liked the comfort and security of being in a monogamous relationship and she hoped to be in new relationship very soon.

When June asked Ed what he wanted, he told her that he liked being in a relationship, but he also wanted to give himself some time to be one his own, date casually and get to know someone well before getting into a new relationship.  He said that, after his last relationship, which lasted three years, he got into therapy because he noticed that he was repeating certain patterns in that relationship, and he wanted to get to know himself better before he got into another relationship and repeated the same patterns.

In response, June said that she "didn't believe in therapy." She told him that her 10 year marriage to John was "perfect," and she already knew she wanted a similar relationship with someone else.  She said that the thought of spending time dating different people was very unappealing to her because she wanted the comfort and security of being in a relationship.  She said she needed someone who was going to be as loyal and true as John, and she wouldn't settle for anything less.

Although both of them saw "red flags" from the beginning in terms of wanting different things, they decided to continue to see each other to see where things would go.

June told Ed from the beginning that she couldn't tolerate the thought that he might be dating other women, so she asked him to date her exclusively.  Initially, Ed was reluctant to make this agreement, but he felt so attracted to June and liked her that he agreed.

Within the next few months, June and Ed were struggling with their differences. Whenever Ed wanted to spend time with his friends or engage in hobbies that didn't interest June, she complained, and he felt stifled by what he perceived as her "neediness."

She told him that she expected him to spend most, if not all, his free time with her and when he spent time with friends or doing things that she wasn't interested in, she felt her needs weren't being met and he was neglecting her.

Over time, Ed also got tired of hearing how "wonderful" John was and how "great" June's marriage to John had been.  Although June never said it directly, Ed felt that she was hinting that, compared to John, he didn't measure up in her eyes.

Although he knew that June was probably idealizing her marriage to John in an unrealistic way because no relationship is "perfect," he couldn't help feeling annoyed and frustrated.  He felt that, in effect, John's "ghost" was always hanging over them in a way that made him feel that he was in a love triangle with June and John where she thought he was inadequate compared to John.

After a while, Ed felt that June was constantly nagging him to spend time with her, and he wished that she had more friends and other interests to occupy her time so that he didn't have to be everything to her.  And June felt that if Ed really cared about her, he would want to spend all his free time with her and try to please her in every way he could.  She had already told him that she hated being alone, so she couldn't understand why he didn't listen to her.

Within four months, Ed felt like he had enough. He was bored with June, he felt frustrated by her clinginess and tired of hearing about her deceased husband. So, he told June he thought things weren't working out between them and they should end their relationship.  June said she was very disappointed because she had hoped Ed would eventually be as committed to being in a relationship with her as she was with him.

After the breakup, Ed continued to talk to his therapist about aftermath of his relationship with June and his patterns in relationships.  He realized that he didn't pay attention to his initial gut feeling when he first met June that they weren't compatible.

He also felt badly about hurting June's feelings, even though he knew that ending the relationship was for the best. However, he found out from mutual friends that within a week of their breakup, June was already seeing someone new and talking about wanting a committed relationship with the new person.

Clinical Vignette 2: Two Serial Monogamists Get Together

Agnes and Bill
After they met at a friend's party, Agnes and Bill, who were both in their late 30s, began seeing each other almost every day.  They had each gone through a breakup only a few weeks before, and they both agreed that they wanted and needed to be in a relationship.  They also agreed that they didn't want to date casually or see other people, so their relationship was intense from the beginning.

Within two months, Bill's lease ended, and he moved into Agnes' apartment.  Since Agnes was the main lessor on her lease, she gave her roommate a few weeks notice to find another apartment. She told Bill that she used to like having her roommate around because she didn't like to be alone, but now that she was in a relationship with Bill, she wanted to spend all of her free time with him.

Bill agreed that he didn't like being alone, which is why he remained at home with his parents until he moved in with Agnes.  Even though his parents kept urging Bill to move out to be on his own, he remained with his parents because of his aversion to being alone.

Bill's and Agnes' friends were surprised that their relationship became so intense so quickly.  These friends urged them to slow down to get to know each other.  But neither Bill nor Agnes were interested in slowing down.  They knew they wanted to be together every moment they could.

Within a few months of living together, Agnes and Bill began to feel bored with each other--even though neither of them said it.  Rather than addressing it directly, their boredom came out in frequent irritability and petty arguments that seemed to go nowhere.

In their own way, each of them felt disappointed in the relationship.  They both thought they knew each other from the time they first met, but they were discovering that there were things they didn't know or like.

Although it was never discussed between them, each of them began feeling nostalgic about their previous relationships.  John decided to get together for coffee with his prior girlfriend, Jane. While he was with Jane, he realized he still had romantic and sexual feelings for her.  He knew that Jane would be open to having a sexual affair with him even though he was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with Agnes.  But he considered himself to be a loyal person, so he put that thought out of his head.

Agnes often daydreamed about her former boyfriend, Greg.  She wondered if she made a mistake when she broke up with him a few months before. She felt sad when she thought about Greg and even sadder because she felt her needs weren't being met in her current relationship with Bill.  She realized that she also felt that her needs weren't being met when she was with Greg, but she couldn't help thinking about him.

A month later, Agnes and Bill mutually decided to end their relationship because things weren't working out between them.  Within a few weeks, each of them was with someone new in another intense relationship, and they were repeating the same patterns.

Conclusion
The vignettes provided above are just two examples of these type of relationships.  In reality, there are many variations for both types.

Two people, one of whom is a serial monogamist and the other who wants to take time to get to know the other person, can work things out in the long run if they're each willing to compromise and try to negotiate their differences.

But in this dynamic, the reality is that these two people often don't get to the point where they get into a relationship because the serial monogamist is put off by the person who wants to take things slowly.  And the person who wants to take thing slower feels too pressured by the serial monogamist.

Similarly, two serial monogamists can work out their relationship and they might even be willing to stay together, despite boredom and stagnation, because they want to be in the relationship.

Most of the time, for a relationship between adults to work out, each person needs to come to the relationship as a mature individual who can handle the give-and-take involved in a long term relationship.  This means that they have developed independently, and they have taken the time to grieve the loss of a prior relationship so that they come to the new relationship without the emotional baggage.

It also means that, as individuals, they each bring something to the relationship and they're not solely dependent on the relationship to meet all their emotional needs.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're currently having problems in your relationship that you've been unable to resolve on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

A therapist, who has experience helping individuals and couples to work on relationship issues, can help you to understand your dynamics in a relationship and the relationship dynamics so you can decide if you want to salvage your relationship or if it's best to end it.

Taking the first step, which is contacting a licensed psychotherapist for help, is often the hardest, but it can also be part of a transformative experience.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing teletherapy, which is also known as online therapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 1

There are many different types of relationships: traditional monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships, relationships that are mostly monogamous but allow for occasional sexual encounters with other people, and so on.  I'm focusing on a particular type of relationship dynamic in this article, which is serial monogamy (see my article:  Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

Understanding Serial Monogamists

What is a Serial Monogamist?
Serial monogamists often have many of the following characteristics:

• They want and need the comfort of being in a committed relationship--often from the start of dating someone.
• They're usually emotionally intense about being in a relationship right from the beginning.  They're not into casual dating or dating different people at the same time.
• They need and expect a new romantic partner to bring the same level of intensity and commitment to the relationship as they do. 
• They expect a high degree of loyalty from their new romantic partner because they're usually loyal people.
• Due to their need to feel comfortable and secure in a relationship, they often want to jump ahead 6-12 months when the relationship is more established and settled.
• They usually don't like to be alone. They like having someone around all the time--whether it's a relative, a roommate or a romantic partner. They crave company. This often means they haven't matured or developed psychologically as adults because they can't tolerate being alone.
• They usually go from one relationship to the next rather than mourning the loss of the previous relationship, understanding what went wrong or looking at their patterns of being in a relationship.  This means they often bring their emotional baggage from the last relationship into the new relationship. Often, they're looking to get into a new relationship as soon as the last one ends without being on their own.
• They have a tendency to spend a lot of time talking about their ex with their new partner, often without even realizing it, because they haven't taken the time to deal with the end of the last relationship.

Knowing What You Want From a New Romantic Partner
There's nothing right or wrong about serial monogamy.

On the one hand, if two people get together and they're both serial monogamists, this might feel comfortable to both people because they know they both want to be in a committed relationship right from the beginning.

But even when both people feel the same way, as previously mentioned, they might get into a new relationship without really knowing the other person.  This often means they're not taking the time to get to know the person they're with because they don't go through a dating phase--they just jump right into being in a relationship.

They skip ahead in their mind to a time that's usually further along in a relationship because they need the comfort and security of an established relationship. This often means that they see what they need in the other person, which can be very different from the reality.  This can lead to disappointments when the reality becomes apparent (see my article: Falling In Love With the Fantasy Rather Than the Reality).

As previously mentioned, they also unknowingly bring emotional baggage from the prior relationship into the current relationship because they haven't mourned the end of that relationship or learned from it.  They have just gone on to the next person without dealing with the loss.

Since people who go directly from one relationship to the next haven't mourned the loss of the last relationship, they're often mentally preoccupied with the last person--without even realizing it.  It can be annoying and frustrating for the new person to keep hearing about an ex.

In addition, since serial monogamists often haven't grown psychologically because they're uncomfortable with being alone and they're so emotionally dependent on others, two people who are serial monogamists bring a level of immaturity into the relationship.  Not only do they not grow as individuals, but the relationship often doesn't grow, so it can feel stagnant and boring after a while.

On the other hand, if you're someone who likes to take their time to date and get to know someone, you're probably going to feel pressured by a serial monogamist who wants a commitment immediately--often during what's usually considered the dating phase.  In fact, there might not be a dating phase in the mind of a serial monogamist.

Also, since someone who tends to be a serial monogamist doesn't like to be alone, you might find this person to be emotionally and physically clingy, especially if you're someone who likes their alone or down time.  It might be possible for the two of you to negotiate this time together versus time apart, but this is usually a challenge for both people (see my article: Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).

If you're someone who needs to have other important relationships or time to indulge in other interests or hobbies, you might feel pressured by a serial monogamist who wants most, if not all, of your time.  Often, these relationships don't work out in the long run because one person feels s/he isn't getting enough of the partner's time and the other person feels stifled (see my article: Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Needs).

There is no right or wrong here.  It really depends on what you want from a relationship.

I'll continue discussing the issue of serial monogamy in my next article with an example of this type of relationship (see my article: Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 2).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing teletherapy, which is also known as online therapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Teletherapy Can Help You Overcome Anxiety

In a prior article, I discussed the advantages of doing teletherapy, which is also called telemental health, online therapy or telehealth.  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on how teletherapy can help you to overcome anxiety (see my articles: Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Pandemic: Fear and Anxiety and Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis).

How Teletherapy Can Help You to Overcome Anxiety

Fortunately, in recent years, the stigma about attending psychotherapy has decreased significantly so that now many people feel more comfortable seeking help from a psychotherapist (see my articles: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy and Why Is It That It's Usually the Healthiest Family Member in a Dysfunctional Family Who Seeks Help in Therapy?).

Whether you're experiencing persistent anxiety or situational anxiety related to things going on in your life, anxiety can be a debilitating condition.

Not only can anxiety keep you up at night due to insomnia and nightmares, it can also erode your sense of self and interfere with your normal self care routines.  Lack of sleep and interference with your self care routines exacerbates your anxiety and it can precipitate a downward spiral in terms of how you feel.

Different Forms of Anxiety
There are many different types of anxiety, including:

• generalized anxiety
• separation anxiety
• anxiety with depressive symptoms
• adjustment disorder with anxiety
• posttraumatic stress disorder
• obsessive compulsive disorder
• panic disorder (see my article: Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).
• agoraphobia
• social anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety).

And so on.

Pandemic-related Anxiety
It's not surprising that the COVID-19 crisis has precipitated an increase in anxiety due to many factors, including (but not limited to):

• uncertainty related to the pandemic (see my article: How to Stay Calm During a Crisis)
• fear of contagion
• fear of an unknown future
• fear of going outside
• anxiety related to being isolated
• anxiety related to being lonely (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Isolation During the Pandemic)

Mental health experts expect a record number of people will seek help for the psychological stress related to the pandemic (see my article: The Emotional and Physical Impact of Loneliness During the COVID-19 Pandemic).

Although it's important to follow the health experts' guidelines for remaining virus free, the emotional toll of being in prolonged isolation without the usual social supports systems that people normally depend on is expected to be significant.

How Teletherapy Can Help You Overcome Anxiety

Most psychotherapists are currently doing teletherapy due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

As I mentioned in a prior article, teletherapy offers many advantages when you're unable to see a therapist in person, including:

• providing a safe environment for you to talk about your distress (see my article: The Holding Environment: Maintaining a Safe Environment For the Client)
• offering guidance on how you can manage your anxiety (see my article: Reducing Stress With the Body Scan Meditation)
• helping you to develop better coping strategies (see my article: Developing Coping Strategies)
• teaching you various anxiety reduction techniques, including meditation (see my articles: Self Care During the Pandemic: Mindfulness Meditation)
• offering you guidance for self care (see my article: Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care)
• providing you with tips on overcoming insomnia (see my article: Tips For Better Sleep)
• helping you to gain insight into possible distortions in your thinking (see my article: Changing Distorted Thinking)
• helping you to make healthy changes in your lifestyle
• offering emotional support (see my articles: The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis)
• providing you with techniques to overcome emotional triggers (see my article: Coping With Emotional Triggers)

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling overwhelmed with anxiety or other forms of emotional distress, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Teletherapy offers a convenient and effective way to get help.

Rather than struggling on your own, take the first step of contacting an experienced psychotherapist.  

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome anxiety and develop a sense well-being so you can move on with your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety-related issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Conquer Your Nightmares

In my prior article, Common Nightmares During the COVID-19 Global Pandemic, I began a discussion about common nightmares that many people are having during the current pandemic and gave examples of two dreams.  In this article, I'll discuss how you can conquer your nightmares, whether they're pandemic-related or not.  To show you how to do this, I'll be taking one of the dreams from the prior article, deconstructing it and then showing how you can work with it on your own (see my article: How to Overcome Anxiety Dreams).

How to Conquer Your Nightmares

Deconstructing and Working With a Nightmare
I'm choosing Dream 2 (see below) from the prior article as an example of how you can deconstruct and work with a nightmare on your own. So, here's Dream 2:

     Dream 2  - From My Prior Blog Article
I'm a child of 7 or 8 years old. My mother tells me that we have to escape from where we're living to move back to the US.  Only a few close relatives know because it's a secret.  My mother doesn't want her husband, my stepfather, to know that we're running away because he's abusive and we're escaping from him.  I grab whatever I can quickly because we have to get to the airport fast, and I kiss my relatives goodbye.  I don't have time to say goodbye to a male friend, who has been good to me (I'm older in this part of the dream).  So, I try to text him to tell him that I had to leave due to an emergency, but my phone won't work. I know he's going to be hurt that I left suddenly without an explanation, and I feel terrible about this. Then, my mother, brother and I run to the airport to get on a rescue flight that's been arranged for us by the US government to bring us back to the states. Somehow, I get separated from my mother and brother (I'm a young child again in this part of the dream). I don't know which way to go. I'm scared and I call out to my mother, but I don't see her anywhere. Nothing looks or feels familiar, even though I know I've been to this area many times before. I see other people who are also running and I ask them the way to the airport because I'm lost.  They point the way and I run all the way to the airport. Once I get there, I realize I don't have a plane ticket. I call out to my mother again saying that I don't have a plane ticket.  Even though she's still nowhere to be found, a reassuring male voice tells me over the airport public address system that I don't need a plane ticket because this is a special government rescue flight for my family to escape. When I get to security, I realize that I'm not wearing a face mask so I'm not going to be allowed on the flight. I see everyone else around me wearing a face mask, and I look around to see if there's somewhere I can buy as mask (I'm older again in this part of the dream). Then, I realize that I do have a mask, but I've been wearing it on my chin, so I pull it over to cover my nose and mouth.  When I arrive at the gate, I still don't see my mother or brother, but I feel a little calmer because I know I'm going to make the flight and I'll escape from this place.  Somehow, I see the long document that my mother had to fill out to get approval from the government for this rescue flight. I feel badly that I didn't know before about the abuse that my mother endured at the hands of my stepfather.  While I'm waiting for the flight at the gate, I try to text my male friend again. I desperately want to reach him so he won't feel abandoned by me, but my phone still doesn't work. I feel sad that he's going to feel sad and abandoned.

It's pretty clear what makes this dream a nightmare:

• The dreamer, as a child of 7 or 8, has been told that she and her family must escape from a place in a hurry.
• She has to leave immediately without saying goodbye to her male friend, which she feels badly about.
• She loses her mother and brother as they're running to the airport.
• She fears she won't be let on the plane because she doesn't have a plane ticket.
• She fears she won't get past security because she thinks she doesn't have a face mask.
• She reads the long document about her stepfather's abusive behavior towards her mother that her mother had to fill out to get permission to take a special flight, and she feels sad she didn't know about the abuse before.
• She worries that her male friend will feel abandoned by her because she can't tell him that she must leave in a hurry.

At the same time, it's important to notice that there are points along the way where she actually gets help (see the italicized sentences in Dream 2 above), including:

• People who give her directions when she gets lost while trying to get to the airport.
• The reassuring voice that comes over the airport public address system reassuring her that she doesn't need a plane ticket because this is a special flight that has been arranged for her and her family to get away.
• She thinks, at first, that she doesn't have a face mask and then discovers that, in fact she does have one.
• She finally gets to the gate where her flight will be taking off, so she knows, at that point, that she will get away, presumably, she will be reunited with her mother and brother, and so they will all be safe.

     Learning to Do Lucid Dreaming
In a prior article, Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dreamwork, I discussed lucid dreaming.  Learning how to become lucid (or conscious) during a dream takes practice.  Some people are fascinated by lucid dreaming and they will take the time and make the effort to develop the skill.

Essentially, what you are doing when you have a lucid dream is you're realizing that you're having a dream while you're dreaming.  You remain in the dream and transform the dream to whatever you want it to be (this is explained in more detail in my article above, Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dreamwork).

The obvious advantage of learning to do lucid dreaming is that you change the dream while you're in the dream as opposed to when you wake up.  The disadvantage (if you see it as a disadvantage) is that, while some people can learn to have lucid dreams with little effort, most people have to make more of an effort to train themselves to have lucid dreams.  So, if you're interested in learning to have lucid dreams, I recommend that you click on the link above for my article on transforming nightmares.  The article includes a recommendation for a book on lucid dreaming.

    Rewriting the Narrative of Your Nightmare and Embodying the Changes
For people who aren't interested in developing the skill to do lucid dreaming and who prefer a simpler and faster way for dealing with nightmares, I suggest rewriting the narrative of your nightmare after you have written down the original dream the way that it occurred:

• Keep a pen and pad by your bedside so you're ready to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up.
• Before you go to sleep, spend a few minutes giving yourself the suggestion that you will remember your dreams.
• When you wake up and you sense that you have had a dream, remain still for a few minutes.  This means that you don't shift around from the position that you're in when you wake up (e.g., if you're lying on your right side when you wake up, don't turn--just stay still).
• Wait a few minutes until the dream comes back to you. You might find that you remember the dream in sections in reverse order.  In other words, you might remember the last part of the dream (the part that occurred closest to waking up) first, and then you might remember the part before that and the part before that, and so on. Also, since we all have at least 4-5 dreams per night depending upon how long you sleep (whether you remember them or not), you will probably remember your dreams in reverse order too.
• Write down whatever you remember from the dream--even if it's just a snippet or an image.  You can still work with a small part of the dream.  Also, it gives your unconscious mind the suggestion that you're interested in your dreams and make it more likely for you to gradually remember more each time you wake up from your dreams.  Over time, if you keep writing down your dreams, you will remember more details.
• After you have written down your dream, rewrite the dream so that it's no longer a nightmare.

So, for example, if you were the dreamer who had Dream 2 (above), you could rewrite the dream however you want to, including:

• Making it easier for the dreamer, the mother and brother to get to the airport together by having a relative drive them there, so they don't have to run to the airport and the dreamer doesn't get separated from the mother and brother.
• A relative or friend could offer the dreamer his or her phone so that the dreamer can contact her male friend rather than the dreamer trying to rely solely on her malfunctioning phone. This will relieve the anxiety that the dreamer has about hurting her male friend's feelings and causing him to feel that he's been abandoned by her.
• Since the dreamer would be with her mother and brother (rather than losing them, as she did in the dream), the mother can reassure both children that they can get on the plane without a plane ticket so that the dreamer doesn't have to go through worrying she doesn't have a plane ticket.
• The mother can reassure the dreamer that they all have the required face masks to get on the flight.
• The dreamer, mother and brother can all be at the gate together ready to get on the plan.

There are many different ways to rewrite Dream 2.  As an alternative, the dreamer can rewrite the dream so that it's not necessary to escape at all, in the following way:

• The mother tells a relative, who is recognized to be a powerful figure in the family, about the stepfather's abusive behavior and this relative confronts the stepfather and tells him that he must stay away from the mother, dreamer and brother.  The stepfather is fearful of this relative so he never bothers the family again.
• The mother reports the abusive stepfather to the police.  They arrest him and he is no longer a threat.
• And so on.

The second part of reworking the dream is to rehearse and embody the rewritten dream (see my article about The Mind-Body Connection and New Symbolic Memories and The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

In other words, after you have rewritten the original dream so that it's no longer a nightmare, you spend a little time rehearsing the rewritten dream and noticing the emotions that come up for you and where you feel these emotions in your body.

Feeling the emotions and noticing where you feel these emotions in your body will help you to have a stronger sense of the rewritten dream because you're not just writing and reading what you have written, you're also taking the time, in effect, to rewire this revision of the dream using the mind-body connection.

So, for instance, if you choose to have a relative, who is a powerful person in the family, confront the abusive stepfather, after you have written this and read it, you would take a few minutes to notice what emotions come up for you.  Maybe you have a sense of relief and you notice that you feel that in your gut. Or, maybe you feel gratitude for your relative, a sense of empowerment through this relative and you notice that you feel this in your chest.

If you have someone that you tell your dreams to, whether it's a therapist, a friend or a spouse, telling this person the original dream and the rewritten dream will also be helpful.  You will feel less alone with the dream and hearing yourself tell someone else the original dream and the rewritten dream can be a powerful experience.

By rewriting the dream, you're not denying that you had a nightmare.  Instead, you're a way to conquer the nightmare so you have a sense of relief.  It's also an important recognition that you are the author of your dreams and that you can also be the author of your rewritten dreams.

Getting Help in Therapy

Some people can work on nightmares on your own. Many other people are unable to cope with nightmares because these dreams are related to trauma.

The dreamer and the dreamer's family in Dream 2 are trying to get away from an abusive stepfather, which could indicate a history of unresolved trauma if this dream is related to actual events in the dreamer's life (see my article: How Past Trauma Lives on in the Present).

It's not unusual, whether it's during a pandemic or any other time, for people with traumatic histories to have nightmares, including recurring nightmares. 

If you are struggling with nightmares, whether they are related to a history of trauma or not, you're not alone.  You can get help from a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients to overcome nightmares.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced mental health professional so that you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Common Nightmares During the COVID-19 Global Pandemic

Have you been having nightmares lately? If so, you're not alone. Pandemic nightmares have been common during this COVID-19 pandemic.  Regardless of age, sex, gender, sexual orientation, or nationality, many people have been having pandemic nightmares, which is the subject of this article (see my articles: How to Overcome Anxiety Dreams).

Common Nightmares During the COVID-19 Global Pandemic

These nightmares are so common that Robert Bosnak, a Jungian analyst in Santa Barbara California, has been offering a free online workshop on Friday nights at 6 PM (PST) during the pandemic called the Spooky Dreams Cafe where he uses Embodied Imagination, a method of dreamwork which he developed, to help some people on the Zoom call with these nightmares (see my article: Dream Incubation: Planting Seeds).

Many people, who lived through the crisis of the 9/11 World Trade Center attack, have reported in therapy that they're having similar nightmares during this time to the ones they had in 2001 and beyond (see my article: Tips For Getting Better Sleep).

Common Themes in Pandemic Nightmares
There are certain themes that are common in these COVID-related nightmares, including (but not limited to):

• Anxiety-related events or circumstances in the dream
• Places, which were once known and familiar, suddenly looking and feeling unfamiliar in the nightmare
• A need to escape or run
• Feeling trapped, helpless and/or lost
• A regression to an earlier age (e.g., an adult dreaming that they're a child again)
• Losing someone or something
• Phones and other gadgets malfunctioning
• Other sudden and inexplicable changes 

Typical Nightmares During the COVID-19 Global Pandemic
The following dreams are typical of the type of dreams people have been having during this COVID-19 crisis (as told to me by friends and used with permission):

Dream 1:
I'm in a classroom, which is taking place in my apartment. The instructor, whom I like, is taking things out of my dresser drawer to show the class. These items include a silk scarf I haven't seen in many years.  At one point, he breaks apart the wooden dresser drawer, and I'm fascinated by this (it seems like a deconstruction of some sort). Then, I notice that there's a similar dresser in the room that remains in tact.  I leave the room to go to the rest room, and when I come back, my laptop is gone. Somehow, I know that the instructor gave it away to one of my classmates, and I'm annoyed that he did this without my permission. I look around for it, but I can't find it. I see a male friend, who is sitting in a far off corner of the room. Then, suddenly, the scene changes: I'm walking around in an area of my neighborhood, not far from my home, where I've been many times before. I know that this place is familiar to me, but it looks and feels eerily unfamiliar.  I know I need to get back to class, but I don't know which way to go because I'm lost.  Then, I see a cab and get in it.  There's a couple, who are on their way home from the airport, who are already in the cab.  I don't know where to tell the cab driver to go because I'm lost, but I'm relieved to be in the cab.  The cab stops because the couple have arrived outside their home. I get out too because I realize it's useless to be in the cab if I don't know where I'm going.  The couple tell me that I have to pay thousands of dollars to them for the short distance that I went with them, and I get angry and tell them that I won't pay.  I know that my male friend is back in the class, he has his car and he would come get me if I call him, but I don't know where I am, so I can't tell him. The scene changes: I'm sitting at an outdoor bar with this same friend and our classmates.  We're all dressed up. I suddenly realize that I forgot that he's much taller than me.  I tell my friend about what just happened (that I was lost) and he's surprised and laughs. I'm feeling much better.  The outdoor bar is up on a bridge that overlooks people's homes down below. These people have shallow outdoor pools in front of their homes.  I tell my friend that we could do that too (we could each have outdoor pools).  Then, as I'm gazing out at the water from the bridge, I tell my friend, "Let's pretend that we're on the Arno Bridge in Florence" and he agrees.

Dream 2:
I'm a child of 7 or 8 years old. My mother tells me that we have to escape from where we're living to move back to the US.  Only a few close relatives know because it's a secret.  My mother doesn't want her husband, my stepfather, to know that we're running away because he's abusive and we're escaping from him.  I grab whatever I can quickly because we have to get to the airport fast, and I kiss my relatives goodbye.  I don't have time to say goodbye to a male friend, who has been good to me (I'm older in this part of the dream).  So, I try to text him to tell him that I had to leave due to an emergency, but my phone won't work. I know he's going to be hurt that I left suddenly without an explanation, and I feel terrible about this. Then, my mother, brother and I run to the airport to get on a rescue flight that's been arranged for us by the US government to bring us back to the states. Somehow, I get separated from my mother and brother (I'm a young child again in this part of the dream). I don't know which way to go. I'm scared and I call out to my mother, but I don't see her anywhere. Nothing looks or feels familiar, even though I know I've been to this area many times before. I see other people who are also running and I ask them the way to the airport because I'm lost.  They point the way and I run all the way to the airport. Once I get there, I realize I don't have a plane ticket. I call out to my mother again saying that I don't have a plane ticket.  Even though she's still nowhere to be found, a reassuring male voice tells me over the airport public address system that I don't need a plane ticket because this is a special government rescue flight for my family to escape. When I get to security, I realize that I'm not wearing a face mask so I'm not going to be allowed on the flight. I see everyone else around me wearing a face mask, and I look around to see if there's somewhere I can buy as mask (I'm older again in this part of the dream). Then, I realize that I do have a mask, but I've been wearing it on my chin, so I pull it over to cover my nose and mouth.  When I arrive at the gate, I still don't see my mother or brother, but I feel a little calmer because I know I'm going to make the flight and I'll escape from this place.  Somehow, I see the long document that my mother had to fill out to get approval from the government for this rescue flight. I feel badly that I didn't know before about the abuse that my mother endured at the hands of my stepfather.  While I'm waiting for the flight at the gate, I try to text my male friend again. I desperately want to reach him so he won't feel abandoned by me, but my phone still doesn't work. I feel sad that he's going to feel sad and abandoned.

A Word About These Nightmares
I'm going to deconstruct these nightmares and discuss how to work with nightmares in my next article but, for now, suffice it to say that both of these dreams have many typical features of anxiety dreams and, specifically, many elements typical of current pandemic nightmares (outlined above at the beginning of this article).

Getting Help in Therapy
Nightmares during times of crisis are often a way for the unconscious mind to work through difficult emotions and reconsolidate traumatic memories.

In addition, these nightmares sometimes reveal underlying unresolved trauma (see my article: Before and After Psychological Trauma).

If you've been having nightmares during this global pandemic, you're not alone.

An experienced psychotherapist, who helps clients during times of crisis and who works with dreams, can help you to understand and heal from nightmares.

Rather than suffering on your own, take the first step by calling a licensed psychotherapist for help.  Being able to work through your fears and nightmares can provide you with relief and allow you to feel more empowered.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

During the global pandemic, like most psychotherapists, I'm providing online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 2: Issues to Consider

When it comes to age difference, relationships between older men and younger women tend to be more common than relationships between older women and younger men. But relationships between older women and younger men aren't as unusual these days as they used to be in the past (see my articles:  Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?, Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active and Relationships Between Older Woman and Younger Men - Part 1).

Relationships Between Older Woman and Younger Me

Relationships between older women and younger men have become increasingly more popular as people view age as less an indicator of compatibility as compared to compatibility with regard to interests, values and life goals.

With more high profile relationships of older women and younger men in public view, there's less of a stigma about these relationships than there used to be.  For instance, French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, have a 25 year age difference and they've been married for over 10 years.

Questions to Consider When There is a Significant Difference in Age Between an Older Woman and a Younger Man
While it's important not to make generalizations about age difference because every couple is unique, there are some questions that an older woman and a younger man would be wise to consider, especially if they're considering a long term relationship, as opposed to casual dating, including:

• Do they have compatible life goals?
• Do they have similar values?
• Are they compatible in terms of what each of them wants from the other (dating casually vs. a committed relationship)?
• Are they sexually compatible?
• Does the younger man, who gets into a relationship with an older woman who can no longer have children, still want children?
• Does it make a difference to the older woman that the younger man might be less mature than the older woman?
• Does the older woman take on primarily a motherly role with the younger man?
• Does the older woman tend to act superior to the younger man because she has more life experience than he does?
• How secure do each of them feel about a long term commitment as the woman gets older?

Although some of these questions, like whether each person wants to have children, could be an issue in any relationship, these issues are even more significant in a relationship between an older woman and a younger man.

A Clinical Vignette: A Relationship Between an Older Woman and a Younger Man:
The following fictionalized clinical vignette illustrates some of the issues that come up in a relationship between a younger man and an older woman:

Jane and Alex
When Jane and Alex met at a party, they hit it off immediately and they soon began dating casually. At first, neither of them were concerned about the 15 year age difference between them because they were enjoying each other's company and having fun.

But after a few months, as they developed deeper feelings for each other, Jane began to wonder if the age difference between them might make a difference in the long term.

When she raised the issue with Alex, he was somewhat surprised because he was hardly aware of their age difference.  From his perspective, "Age is only a number. Why should it matter how old either of us is if we care about each other and we're getting along?"  He told her that he didn't care that she was 57 and he was 42.  He said the age difference had no meaning to him.

Jane told him that she had no problems with the relationship at that point in time, but she worried that, in the long run, they might want different things in terms of their life goals.  So, they began having more in-depth talks about their life goals in terms of what each of them wanted in the future.

They each knew that they had similar values, so they focused their discussion on issues like family, differences in life experience and whether each of them saw the relationship working out in the long run.

Jane raised the issue that she was beyond her childbearing years, and she was concerned that Alex might want to have children one day.  In response, Alex told Jane that, although he liked children, he didn't want children of his own. He said he had always known this and it wasn't an issue for him.

Alex told Jane that he was concerned that she might become bored with him eventually since she had so much more life experience than he did.  He said he worried that she would see him as being "less manly" because of this.  In response, Jane said that she didn't mind that he had less life experience and, in fact, what she liked about him was that he was so open and enthusiastic about trying new things.

As they opened up more to each other, Jane told Alex she worried that, as she aged, he might become less attracted to her and he might prefer to be with a younger woman.  This surprised Alex because he thought Jane knew that his attraction to her went beyond looks and sex.  He told her that his attraction encompassed much more than physical attraction--it included everything about her.

As they continued their discussions, their relationship deepened and grew.  And the more they talked about these issues, the more committed each of them became to their relationship.

Even though they didn't have any major problems between them, Jane suggested that they attend couples therapy to delve deeper into these issues, and Alex readily agreed.

During their couples therapy sessions, they were able to go deeper into the issues that they were already discussing and they each developed insights they didn't have before.  They didn't need to have many sessions with their couples therapist because these sessions served to confirm to each of them that they were compatible for a long term relationship.

Since neither of them could see any reason why they shouldn't be together in a long term relationship, they decided to take their relationship to the next level and they moved in together.

Conclusion
Relationships between older women and younger men are more common today than ever before.

Every relationship, regardless of age, is different in terms of relationship goals, life goals and overall compatibility.

If an older woman and a younger man are considering the viability of a long term relationship, as opposed to a casual relationship, it's important that they communicate openly and honestly about issues that could become obstacles in the future.

Many couples find it worthwhile to explore these issues in couples therapy, even if they're not having major problems, because an experienced couples therapist can help them to delve deeper and develop new insights.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1

I've been discussing older women's sexuality in my recent articles (see my articles: Who says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution Are Still Sexually Active). In this article, I'm focusing on relationships between older women and younger men.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men

The Old Double Standard About Older Women and Younger Men
More than 40 years ago, writer and feminist Susan Sontag wrote an essay for the Saturday Review called "The Double Standard of Aging" in which she called out the sexist social convention that aging enhances men's attractiveness but detracts from women. In her essay, Sontag indicated that men might be the ones who were primarily perpetuating this sexist double standard, but she also urged older women to stop acquiescing to it. 

Years later, in an attempt to explain the popularity of older women and younger men, Newsweek called 2009 "the year of the cougar."  The image of the "cougar" was an older women who was sexually obsessed and who preyed on younger men.

Not only was this description crass and disrespectful, but it painted an inaccurate picture of older women's sexuality.  In addition, it left out the real story of why many older women often prefer younger men as well as why younger men often prefer older women.  

Defining older women, who prefer younger men, as "cougars," paints a picture of older women as predatory, but this image didn't start in 2009.  As early as 1967, in "The Graduate," Anne Bancroft portrayed Mrs. Robinson as a conniving older woman who manipulated Dustin Hoffman's character, a young college graduate, into having sex with her.  

The movie and the image of the older woman who preys on young men became so popular that the term "Mrs. Robinson" became a term synonymous with sex-hungry older women who go after younger men.  

Although, in the movie, at first, Mrs. Robinson seems beautiful, sexy and sophisticated, subsequently, just below the surface, she is shown to be an older woman who is deeply troubled and unhappy.  She is revealed as a desperate, clingy woman who is someone to be pitied rather than admired. And, of course, eventually, Dustin Hoffman's character leaves her for her younger daughter.

Although the stereotypes of older women as "cougars" and Mrs. Robinson-type women have diminished, these stereotypes still prevail in certain circles, especially in sexist popular media that still seek to demean older women.

In more recent times, many older women and younger men have become more open with revealing their preferences for each other, and see these preferences as natural.  

Specifically, many older women feel more compatible with younger men because these women are still vibrant and open to new experiences and they want men who match their energy, enthusiasm and curiosity about life.  

This is not to say that older men can't be just as energetic, enthusiastic and open to new life experiences. In fact, especially among the Baby Boomer generation, many men are living healthier, more dynamic lives.  But there are fewer older men because women tend to live longer than men.  So, it makes sense that many older women would prefer younger men.

Younger men often say that they prefer older women because they're more mature than younger women.  They say that older women have more life experience than younger women--not just sexual experience, but everyday life experience.  In addition, according to many younger men, older women "know what they want" in life and, as a result, they're generally more confident because they have learned from their life experiences.  

Generally speaking, older women aren't still striving to make it in their careers or worrying about motherhood.  Many of them have already dealt with these issues and they're in the next dynamic phase of their life, all of which makes them more attractive to many younger men.

More about relationships between older women and younger men in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.