Relationships: Coping with Infidelity

One of the most difficult and heart breaking situations for a couple to deal with is infidelity.

Deciding whether to stay or leave the relationship after you discover that your partner has been unfaithful is a hard decision to make. It's a very individual decision. 

Coping With Infidelity

For some people, finding out about a partner's infidelity, no matter what the reasons or circumstances, is beyond what they can ever tolerate or accept. There is no question in their minds that they are leaving. 

But for others, although they are very hurt, they decide to try to work it out. After the initial shock, they might feel that they've invested too much in the relationship to end it. It might surprise you that many couples are able to reconcile after infidelity and that their relationships are actually stronger as a result. This is not an endorsement for staying or leaving. It's simply an observation.

See my article:  Relationships: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

What are the various types of infidelity?
Infidelity can involve a one-time sexual encounter with someone outside the relationship. It can be a longstanding affair. It can also be a series of encounters with many different people. This is often, although not always, the case with people who engage in out of control sexual behavior. 

It can be encounters in person or encounters online in chat rooms or on various Internet and social media sites. Infidelity is not always sexual. Sometimes infidelity involves getting one's primary emotional needs met by someone else or it can be both. When the affair is strictly emotional, it can be more difficult to resolve sometimes because your partner might not see it as infidelity. However, if it's taking away from the primary relationship, it's a problem.  Both men and women cheat on their spouses and partners.  Infidelity occurs in heterosexual and gay relationships.

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

Why do people cheat?
The reasons that people give for cheating are numerous and complex. Often, the reason that people give is that they're unhappy in their relationship. They might feel that their partner is not paying enough attention to them, and they don't know how to express it without acting out. They might be angry and use infidelity to retaliate against the partner. For other people, they might have grown up in a household where infidelity was tolerated, so it's become commonplace in their minds. In other instances, people have a hard time making a commitment to one person, so they use another relationship to defuse the intensity of the primary relationship. In other instances, people don't know how to end their primary relationship so they enter into another relationship unconsciously hoping that they'll be found out and this will end the relationship. There can be so many other reasons.

What are the factors that contribute to a couple surviving infidelity:
One important factor is the quality of the relationship and how stable it was before the infidelity. All other things being equal, the more stable it was, the more likely it is that the problem can be worked out if both people are willing to work it out. It is essential that the partner who is cheating end the other relationship before anything can be worked out in the primary relationship. 

One of the most important factors is whether trust can be regained. Sometimes, even when both people are willing to work out the relationship, it doesn't work out because the partner who was cheated on just cannot learn to trust the cheating partner again. Without trust, most relationships don't survive.

Should You Stay or Should You Go?
What should you do if you find out your partner has been cheating? No one can tell you what to do. Well-meaning friends and relatives might try to give you advise, whether to stay or go, but it's your decision. Anyway, this is between you and your partner and it's not for others to decide. 

In most cases, it's better not to make any immediate decisions while you're still in shock. You need time and space to carefully consider your options. If infidelity has been an ongoing problem with your partner throughout your relationship, you might feel differently than if there was one encounter. Much will depend on whether you feel you can trust your partner again.

Regaining trust:
If you and your partner decide to try to work it out, know that it will probably take a while (for some people, months or years) to regain trust, if it can be regained at all. You must insist that your partner give up the other relationship(s). If your partner won't agree to this, he or she is not ready to honor the commitment to your relationship and you must face this.

See my article: Regaining Trust After the Affair

What if you both decide to try to salvage your relationship, but you're having problems getting past the hurt and anger?

Many couples, even when they decide to try to reconcile, have problems working out their problems on their own. They might find themselves coming to the same impasse over and over again. If that's your situation, it's best to seek the help of a licensed psychotherapist who works with couples. 

Friends and family members, even if they have the best of intentions, will usually add to the confusion. Even if you decide to end the relationship, if you can, it's better to find a way to end it in a constructive way, especially if there are children involved and you must remain in contact about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime

One of the most common issues that women bring into their psychotherapy sessions is their relationship with their mothers. The bond between mothers and daughters can be complicated, whether they are currently positive or problematic. We are born "hard wired" to bond to our primary caregivers.  Most of the time, this is our mother.  Generally speaking, mothers and daughters tend to have a stronger bond than mothers and sons, and these relationships can change over the course of a lifetime, often in surprising ways.

Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime

Problems in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

Problems often arise in the mother-daughter relationship when an insecure mother has difficulty allowing the daughter to have age-appropriate independence. Starting at around the age of 18 months to two years of age, most babies (both boys and girls) begin to want to assert themselves, sometimes in ways that are confusing for mothers. 

This is often called "the terrible twos" from the perspective of mothers struggling to cope with babies who are constantly saying "No!" to almost everything, including things they might really want. From a developmental perspective, this is exactly what needs to happen at this stage of the baby's development, even though it might be frustrating for the mother.

We Are Hard Wired to Bond With Our Mothers

The other stage that can be challenging in terms of a daughter gaining age-appropriate autonomy is adolescence. As an adolescent, a teens' peer relationships usually become more important as compared to earlier stages in a child's life. Teenage girls often give more credence to their friends' opinions than their parents' opinions at this stage. For a mother who has a hard time allowing her daughter to have more independence from her, this can be a challenging time, even when teenage daughters are using good judgment and have positive friendships.

This is often the time when power struggles abound and mother-daughter relationships break down. These struggles can continue into the adult child's 20s, 30s and beyond. Mothers who are insecure about allowing their teenage daughters to have a reasonable degree of independence often had conflictual relationships with their own mothers with the same issues. As a result, they are often ill prepared to handle this phase of their daughters' development and this stage in the mother-daughter relationship.

For mothers who had enmeshed relationships with their own mothers, they often expect to have the same type of relationship with their daughters--even if the enmeshed relationship with their own mothers was fraught with difficulties. Often, in these cases, it becomes increasingly difficult for these mothers to accept that their daughters, who may be in their 20s, 30s or older have their own separate lives where a spouse or partner is now the daughter's primary relationship.

The Mother-Daughter Bond

The mother-daughter bond, which is so ingrained, usually becomes the template for future relationships. When the template is a good one, this bodes well for future friendships and romantic relationships. But when there are serious problems, including trauma, this often leads to traumatic bonding in future relationships where the same type of problematic bonding is unconsciously recreated in future relationships. Of course, women can learn to overcome this dynamic, but it usually takes time and effort in therapy.

Problems in Mother-Daughter Relationships Can Be Worked Through

The good news is that many of these problematic issues in mother-daughter relationships can be worked out in psychotherapy if both people are willing. Initially, this might mean that the mother and daughter attend individual therapy to understand the role they are each playing in the dynamic. Then, if appropriate, the mother and daughter might attend therapy together to work through the problems together, assuming that both people are willing.

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many mother-daughter relationships improve over time when both people are willing to make the necessary commitment to work through these issues with open minds.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy as well as mind-body oriented therapy such as EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with the Loss of a Pet

Our Pets Are Part of Our Families
We love and nurture our pets and they bring us joy. So when a beloved pet dies, it can feel as devastating as the death of a close relative. We can grieve as profoundly as losing our best friends, and for some of us, they are our best friends.

Coping with the Loss of a Pet

Whether you've had your pet for a short time or for years, it's very sad when they pass from your life. After the loss of a pet, you need emotional support from other people who understand. Often, people who don't have pets don't understand how normal and natural it is to feel very sad after a pet has died.

Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
So, what can you do to help yourself feel better? Just like with the death of a person who is close to you, know that it will probably take time to heal from this loss. Allow yourself to take the time to grieve and don't judge yourself for the depth of your feelings.

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

You will probably go through many of the same feelings that I discussed in my last article about losing a loved one. Some people find it helpful to make a scrapbook of photos or special mementos related to their pet. Other people find it comforting to keep an urn with their pet's ashes. No one can tell you what will be right for you.

People often ask me if they should go out and buy another pet immediately. For most people, this is not helpful. For one thing, you're still grieving for your pet who just died, and you're probably not open to accepting a new pet into your heart and home.

You might also feel guilty if you get another pet too soon--like you're betraying the pet that you just lost. If you get a new pet immediately, without even realizing it, you might also expect that pet to be just like your last pet when, in reality, each pet has his or her own personality.

The other reason that it's usually not a good idea to get another pet immediately is that you might be doing this to avoid dealing with your grief. When the time is right, after you've gone through a natural period of grief, you can open your heart again and enjoy having a new pet.

Our Pets Bring Us Joy

The important thing to know is that grief usually subsides over time if you allow yourself to feel your feelings.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

I have helped many people to cope with the loss.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Our Expectations and Beliefs Affect Us

How Do Our Expectations and Beliefs Affect Us?

In her book, Counterclockwise, Dr. Ellen Langer describes how our expectations and beliefs affect our own lives as well as other people in our lives. She makes a strong case that our thoughts and feelings affect our health and the aging process. According to Dr. Langer, the first step is to become mindfully aware of our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and others.

As part of her research, Dr. Langer conducted social experiments with the elderly in a nursing home to see how beliefs, self perceptions and a sense of autonomy affect health. In the experimental group, she encouraged residents to make more decisions for themselves. They were encouraged to make their own decisions about where they saw visitors and when to watch movies. They were also given an opportunity to choose a house plant as well as when and how much to water it. The control group was given house plants, but they were told that the nursing home staff would water it.

After a year and a half, Dr. Langer discovered that the first group was much happier and alert, based on tests that were administered before and after the experiment. The first group was also much healthier and, on average, lived longer than the second group. She discovered that being allowed to make choices created mindfulness and helped the residents to be more engaged in their lives. Being happier, more mindful, and having a sense of autonomy contributed to the first group's longevity.

When we think about how, even in the best nursing homes, the staff often have such low expectations of residents and how few choices residents can make in their daily lives, Dr. Langer's research is compelling.

Recently, I went to visit my aunt in a nursing home. She has dementia, but she still knows who she is and who I am. When a new nurse came by with his chart, instead of asking my aunt her name, he turned to me and asked, "What's her name?" I saw my aunt's expression change from being engaged to looking disconnected. I wondered how many times the residents in this nursing home are objectified in this way, and it made me feel angry. I responded to him by turning to my aunt and asking her her name. She perked up suddenly and announced her name in a strong and confident voice.

Without realizing it, we all create self fulfilling prophesies. This nurse, who seemed kind and efficient in other ways, had certain beliefs and expectations of the nursing home residents in general and my aunt in particular. Anyone who has spent time around people with dementia knows that it can vary a lot in the same person from day to day or even in the same day or hour. But what happens when a person with dementia, who still knows who she is, is treated like she's incapable of responding to question asking her name? Based on the brief interaction I saw with my aunt and the nurse and the research that Dr. Langer has done, we disempower people. I saw very clearly how my aunt went from being engaged one moment to being disengaged the next when she was objectified by the nurse. Was the nurse being intentionally cruel and rude? That's not my impression. I think he was simply engaging in his duties in a mindless way, trying to get through his tasks as efficiently as possible.

Even though there might be variability from day to day for a person who has dementia, why not start out assuming the best instead of the worst? How much more empowering this would be! This can apply not only to the elderly, who are often stereotyped, but to any group of people.

For an eye-opening look at how we can all learn to become more mindful in our everyday interactions, I recommend reading Ellen Langer's book, Counterclockwise. The implications of Dr. Langer's work are very powerful for all of us. And, the next time I visit my aunt at the nursing home, I might give a copy of this book to the nursing staff.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides dynamic talk therapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapy to individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



Photo Credit:  Photo Pin

Common Myths About Psychotherapy - Therapy Always Takes a Long Time

In recent years, I've found that most people who call me to set up a psychotherapy consultation tend to be much better informed about psychotherapy than even a few years ago.  When they call, they're often asking about particular types of psychotherapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing.

Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time

Often, they've been in psychotherapy before or they've done their research online or spoken to friends who have been in therapy, so they are coming to therapy as "informed consumers."  But I find that there are still many people who have misconceptions about psychotherapy due to the many ongoing myths about psychotherapy.  So, I thought I would start with one of the most common myths--that therapy takes a long time.

There Are So Many More Choices For Therapy Now: 

I can't even count how many times new clients have come in and said, "I don't want to be like Woody Allen--in therapy for 50 years."  Unfortunately, this is one of the biggest misconceptions about psychotherapy, complete with the client lying down on the analytic couch free associating to whatever comes to his or her mind and the therapist (usually a man looking very much like Sigmund Freud with white hair and a beard) sitting silently behind the client taking notes.  

This stereotypical image is a throwback to the days when the only type of therapy that was available to clients was classical psychoanalysis.

As a therapist, my original training was in psychoanalysis.  If a client is interested in psychoanalysis, I'm happy to engage them in the psychoanalytic process.  But, even if we are working psychoanalytically, I usually work in a very contemporary, dynamic and interactive way.  I combine many different types of contemporary psychodynamic ways of working, including a post-Jungian dream work called Embodied Imagination.

 On the other hand, if a client prefers to work with more silences, I am also trained to work in this way.  So, there are choices.

Progress in Psychotherapy:

I also like to see clients making the kind of progress in treatment that they're seeking.  How"progress" is defined is also very specific to the client.

It doesn't necessarily mean that the client leaves therapy feeling good after each session or that each session brings about revelations every time.

For some people, it might take a while for them to even  trust the therapist to open up and be able to talk about their problems.  For them, this is progress.

For other people, progress might be gaining insight into their problems and being able to take action in their lives.  A lot depends on the client's internal motivation, willingness to make changes, the therapist's skills, and whether the client and therapist are a good match.

Aside from being psychoanalytically trained, I'm also certified in mind-body psychotherapy.  I'm trained in EMDR, clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, which tend to be shorter forms of therapy as compared to traditional psychoanalysis to clear up certain types of trauma.  So, my approach is eclectic and flexible. 

When clients ask me "How long will I be in therapy?," I tell them that therapy is a very individual process.  It depends on what they want.  Some clients come in for a very specific problem that they want to overcome.

If they don't have layers of trauma and the problem is not related to deeper issues, short-term therapy can help them to clear up the problem.  For other clients, their current problems are part of many layers of trauma that began since childhood.  This type of problem is more complicated and would probably take longer.  

Getting Help in Therapy:  Start Therapy with a Consultation:

At the beginning of therapy, it's helpful to talk about the problem that brings you into therapy and what you would like to accomplish.

Of course, you're not required to know this beforehand in order to come to therapy.  For instance, many people know that they're "not feeling right" and they're not sure what the problem is, so this becomes part of the work in therapy with the therapist helping the client to understand this.

But for those people who do know what they would like, it's helpful to define the problem and what would constitute success in therapy.  This can help to give the therapy clarity and direction, but nothing is carved in stone.  There's flexibility and there are choices.

In future blog posts, I'll address the other common myths about psychotherapy.  

If you're interested in finding out about the various types of therapy that I've mentioned in this blog post, you can find more information on their professional websites:

Resources:

Clinical hypnosis:  American Society of Clinical Hypnosis

Somatic Experiencing:  Somatic Experiencing Training Institute

EMDR:  EMDR professional association

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist,  EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.


See my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak

Also, visit my Psychotherapy Daily News for updates on mental health issues, health education, and science news.

Creating Emotional Balance in Your Life

We've all had days when we feel anxious, frustrated, angry, sad or at our wit's end.  When you're overwhelmed occasionally by these kinds of emotions, it helps to have a reliable way to bring yourself back into emotional balance.  One way, which was originally developed in hypnosis, is to have a Safe Place or Relaxing Place to focus on so you can bring yourself back to a calm state.

Creating Emotional Balance in Your Life

Learning Coping Strategies in Therapy:
When clients come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, I usually teach them coping strategies, especially if they're coming in to overcome trauma.  One of those coping strategies is the Safe or Relaxing Place meditation.  Whether you're trying to overcome trauma or you're just having a bad day, learning to do the Safe Place meditation is a good way to help bring yourself back into a state of calm and emotional balance.

Safe Place Meditation:
To begin, think of a place which is linked to a positive memory.  It can be somewhere in nature, like a beach or in the woods.  When you choose a place, it should be completely positive without any negative memories associated with it.  So, for instance, choosing a beach that you like is fine, but not if it causes you to think of times when your parents used to argue at this beach.  A relaxing scene by a waterfall is great, but not if it was the place where your boyfriend broke up with you.

Once you have a place that you associate with feeling calm and relaxed, close your eyes and engage as many of your senses as possible.  First, feel yourself standing in this place.  If you're at the beach, what does it feel like to have your toes in the sand?

Then, look around and notice what you see.  Notice the colors, shapes and textures of things.  Are there any sounds associated with this place?  If so, what are they?  If you're at the beach, do you hear the sound of the waves on the shore or the seagulls flying overhead?  Are there any sensations associated with this place?  Do you feel the warmth of the sun or the breeze off the ocean against your skin.  What about smells?  Smells can be so evocative?  Can you smell the salt in the ocean?  Maybe you can even taste the salt in the air.

With some practice, you can learn to make these sensory experiences vivid.  And, you'll begin to feel yourself calming down.  Notice that your breathing has slowed down and muscles in your body that might have been tight might be relaxing.

You can also give this place a name--whatever works for you that would allow you to associate the name with the calm feeling.  It can be the word "beach," if that's your relaxing place or just "relaxing place."  When you practice pairing the word with the calm feeling, you can just use the word at times when you can't close your eyes to do the meditation.

The place you choose can be either real or imagined, a scene from a movie or a book.  It doesn't matter.  All that matters is that it helps to get you back into emotional balance.

For some people, trying to come up with a relaxing place can be challenging.  If that's the case for you, you can try to think of the face of a person associated with positive experiences.  This can be a friend, a family member, a teacher, a coach or a mentor.  The point is to use the visualization to get yourself back into an emotionally balanced state.

Practicing the Safe (or Relaxing) Place meditation can help you get through a difficult moment, and it only takes a few minutes a day for you to gain the benefits of this meditation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


Also, visit my Psychotherapy Daily News for updates on mental health issues, health education, and science news.

Mindfulness Meditation: Coping with Painful Emotions

Mindfulness Meditation: Coping With Emotional Pain

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional."
Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha)

In his book Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., discusses how even a moderate amount of mindfulness meditation can help to ease both physical and emotional pain. 

In my December 26, 2010 blog post, I described mindfulness meditation Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation. In this blog post, I discuss how mindfulness meditation can help you with emotional pain.

Coping with Emotional Pain with Mindfulness Meditation:
Often, when people are feeling upset, whether they are angry, sad, resentful, anxious, fearful, jealous, or ashamed, their tendency is to either suppress these uncomfortable feelings or to deal with them in other unhealthy ways.

Suppressing emotional pain only intensifies it. You might manage to distract yourself for a while by suppressing your feelings, but these feelings will eventually come back to the surface again, even stronger than before.

Unhealthy or maladaptive ways of suppressing feelings might include: drinking excessively, abusing drugs, overeating, acting out sexually, working excessively or other negative ways of coping.

Rather than suppressing their feelings, other people become so flooded by their emotions that they lose control. They might lose their temper. Other people berate themselves and engage in negative self talk.

An alternative to these maladaptive strategies is to practice mindfulness meditation. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, people who practice mindfulness meditation find that, at the very least, some of the edge of the emotional pain is taken off. Rather than avoiding their emotions, people who practice mindfulness meditation learn to stay with them. Over time, they build a stronger capacity for containing these emotions.

This might seem completely contrary to what you might think. After all, no one wants to feel emotions that are uncomfortable for them. But when you practice mindfulness meditation, you learn to observe and deconstruct your emotional pain in a non-personal way. You get to witness your emotional pain without clinging to it.

When you become adept at using mindfulness meditation, you will usually see and accept that you're not your feelings. You also see that nothing remains the same, your feelings are transitory, and will pass.

Who is the "You" Who is Watching During Mindfulness Meditation?
Often when people are upset and in the throes of emotional pain, they have little or no awareness that they are not their feelings. But this might sound strange to you. What do we mean by "You're not your feelings?"

When you practice mindfulness meditation, you realize that the core of who you are is separate from your thoughts and feelings. You come to experience this over time because you become aware that there is another part of yourself, which I call your Core Self (other people call it by other names), who is witnessing what is going on with you--what you're feeling and what you're thinking.

Your Core Self:
It is my belief that we all have a Core Self, even people with multiple personalities, who have been emotionally fractured into many parts by trauma, have a Core Self. We're not always aware of our Core Self in our everyday lives. But most people have had the experience, at some point in their lives, of a deeper part of themselves that knows intuitively what's right for them.

Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., who developed the Internal Family System (IFS) model of psychotherapy described the Core Self of consisting of the "8 C's": compassion, calmness, curiosity, clarity, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness (Internal Family Systems - Self Leadership). The Core Self is that part of us that knows what's best for us.

Through the practice of mindfulness meditation, which is also called Insight Meditation, over time, we get in touch with the Core Self. The Core Self is aware that, even though we might be in a lot of emotional pain, these feelings and thoughts are not part of the core of who we are. We are much more than that.

When clients come to see me in my private practice in New York City, I often recommend that they consider mindfulness meditation as part of their coping strategies.

About Me

I am a psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.