Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

The title of this blog post could easily have been "Falling In Love with Ms. Wrong Over and Over Again."

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

A Recurring Pattern of Choosing "Mr Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong"
Whether you are a heterosexual man or woman, bisexual, or gay, the pattern is often the same: You leave a relationship where you feel you've been mistreated (or that person leaves you). You vow not to get into another relationship like that again.

Some time goes by. Then, you meet someone new and it's love at first sight again. You're "head over heels" about this person. You go out for a while. Everything seems wonderful at first. Then, gradually, over time, the same pattern emerges.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

After a while, you find yourself wondering how you ended up choosing someone with the same problems as the last person. The relationship ends. You feel disappointed in yourself and very reluctant to meet someone new. After that, you take some time to yourself. Then, you meet someone new that you think is wonderful, and the pattern begins again.

It's not unusual for men and women to begin psychotherapy to find out why they keep falling in love with people who are not right for them. Usually, people come to therapy after they've gone through several cycles of the pattern that I described above. At that point, many people don't trust themselves to enter into another relationship because they're afraid that it will be another disaster. The problem is that they don't want to be alone either, so they're stuck between wanting to have someone special in their lives and being too afraid to open their hearts again.

Why Do People Keep Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong"?
Choosing a partner can be complicated, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. There are so many unconscious feelings that are operating just under the surface when you feel attracted to someone. Often, these unconscious feelings affect your ability to choose someone who is right for you. If you have a pattern of choosing people who are wrong for you, you're probably repeating old patterns from your family of origin without even realizing it.

The following vignette which, as always, is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how someone continues to repeat the same pattern of falling in love with people who are wrong for her:

Marla:
When Marla began psychotherapy, she had just gone through the most painful breakup of her life. She met Neil at a friend's party. She noticed him immediately from across the room and he was already looking at her. She felt an instant "rush" and attraction before she even talked to him. They began dating shortly afterwards, and Marla fell in love with Neil very quickly. She felt that he was so kind and considerate, so much nicer than any man she had ever been in a relationship with before. All the other men in her life had cheated on her and those relationships ended in disaster.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

She felt this relationship was different. This time, Marla felt that she had met "Mr. Right." Neil was so sensitive to her needs, so attentive to her, not like the other narcissistic men she had been with before who cheated on her. She and Neil also had similar values, and sex between them was very passionate.

Within a couple of months, Neil moved in with her. She said they were both very excited about taking their relationship to the next level. Everything was wonderful at first, according to Marla. They spent all of their free time together and had lots of fun. She had never felt so loved before.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

Then, suddenly, things changed: Neil began spending a lot of time at the office. He said he had critical deadlines that he had to meet. Marla was very understanding at first. But when Neil said he had to start working weekends too, Marla was disappointed because they were hardly spending any time together any more. Even when Neil was home, he was tired, irritable and emotionally distant. He blamed it on his work. Marla missed being close to Neil and the good times they had together.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

One day, Marla tried reaching Neil on his cellphone on a Saturday afternoon when he said he was at work. The call went directly to voicemail, so she tried him at his work number. But he didn't answer that phone either, and that call went to voicemail too. Since the office was not far from their apartment, she decided to go there to surprise him with a picnic basket for lunch. She missed him and she thought it would be a good way for them to spend some time together for an hour or so. But when she got to the office, the security guard told her that no one had gone up to Neil's floor all day. Marla thought there must be some mistake, so the security guard accompanied her to the floor and she saw for herself that the office was locked and lights were out.

Marla walked home slowly, feeling dejected and with a growing sense of unease. She tried Neil a few more times on his cellphone, but her calls continued to go to voicemail. She waited for Neil to come home that night. When he got home, he seemed very preoccupied and emotionally distant. He said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep.

Marla wasn't sure how to talk to him about the fact that she went to his office and he wasn't there. But she summoned her courage and broached the subject with him. Neil had his back turned towards her at first, but when he heard her words, he whirled around and began shouting at her, "Are you checking up on me!?!"

Marla was very startled by his reaction. She had never seen Neil lose his temper. Before she knew it, she was on the defensive, trying to reassure Neil that she was not checking up on him, that she had only gone to his office to surprise him with a picnic lunch. But he was so angry that he refused to talk or even listen to her. He gathered a few articles of clothing in a hurry and stormed out of the apartment, leaving Marla in tears. He didn't even tell her where he was going or when he would be back.

Marla's head was spinning. She couldn't understand what had just happened. Then, she noticed that Neil had left his cellphone behind. Part of her didn't want to invade Neil's privacy by looking at his phone, but a bigger part of her wanted some answers. So, she looked at the phone and, to her shock and dismay, she found several sexually explicit text messages from another woman and Neil's equally explicit responses to this woman.

Marla felt like she could hardly breathe, but she felt determined now. After she read the text messages, she decided to check his email. She had never known before that his email was password protected. After a few tries, she figured out the password and got into Neil's account. She was heart broken to find dozens of sexually explicit emails to and from several other women, including nude photos of these women and emails making arrangements to meet at hotels during the same times that he had told Marla that he was at work.

All Marla could think at that time was, "Not again. I can't believe this is happening to me again." Every other man that she had ever dated cheated on her. It was the same pattern over and over again. In the past, there were some obvious signs that these other men were "ladies' men." Marla thought she could change each one of them. But it never worked. After several experiences like this, whenever she met a man where there were obvious signs that he cheated, she stayed away. But she thought Neil was different. He had been so kind and attentive to her. She felt like she was in a nightmare and kept hoping she would wake up.

All that night, Marla cried and tossed and turned. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't believe that Neil turned out to be like her other boyfriends. And the worst part was that all of them were just like her father. When she was growing up, she vowed to herself that she would never be like her mother, who passively put up with the father's numerous affairs. But here she was again, back in the same situation.

When Neil came back the next night, Marla felt desperate to talk to him. Even though her rational mind knew that he was cheating on her, she still hoped that he would say something that would make all of this go away. But Neil behaved as if he was the one who was betrayed. He said he could never forgive her for invading his privacy and he was through with her. Once again, Marla found herself on the defensive. She knew that she shouldn't have looked at Neil's text messages and his emails and she acknowledged this to him, but she felt that he also owed her a big explanation about his behavior. Neil refused to talk to her. He just gathered more things and, despite Marla's pleading with him, he left again.

Falling In Love with "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again

When Marla came home from work the next day, all of Neil's things were gone. It was obvious that he came during the day while she was out and took all of his belongings. He didn't even leave a note to say good bye. All he left was the apartment key on Marla's dresser. There was no other sign of him in the apartment. It was as if he had never been there. He never returned any of her calls. She waited for him outside his office building, but she never saw him. A couple of weeks later, when she tried to reach him on his cellphone, she got a message that the number was disconnected. And she never heard from him again. When she phoned the friend who had the party where she met Neil, her friend was very sympathetic, but she told Marla that she didn't know Neil well, she had not heard from him since that party, and she didn't know his whereabouts. When Marla called his friends and family, she was shocked that all of them said that they didn't know where he was.

By the time Marla came to therapy to sort everything out, she was at a very low point. She told me that she had gone through bad breakups before, but this was the worst by far. She just couldn't believe this was happening. She also couldn't understand how Neil went from being so kind and loving towards her to cheating on her and freezing her out of his life. She came away feeling that, since she had been in so many relationships where men cheated on her, somehow, it must be her fault. She thought, "Maybe I'm doing something that causes men to cheat on me."

With the help of once-a-week psychotherapy and the emotional support of her friends, Marla began picking up the pieces of her life again. Over time, she realized that she had not done anything to actively cause Neil or the other men to be unfaithful to her. She began to realize that, even though she never wanted to be with a man like her father, unconsciously, she kept choosing the same "Mr. Wrong" who was so much like her father.

It was true that, by the time she met Neil, she had gotten better at not choosing men who were obvious "ladies' men." But her unconsicous mind could still get attracted to a man from across the room who was a not-so-obvious "ladie's man."

This is an interesting phenomenon that occurs to many people with the unconscious mind. It's not only about infidelity. Instead of infidelity, you could also see this same unconscious process happen with regard to alcoholism, domestic violence, people who have problems making a commitment, and so on. It doesn't matter what the particular issue is, the unconscious mind often works in the same way to cause you to feel instantly attracted to "Mr. Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong."

How Does the Unconscious Mind Keep Choosing "Mr. Wrong" or "Ms. Wrong" Over and Over Again?
You might ask, "How could the unconscious mind know, without even talking to someone, that you're choosing the same type of person?" I don't think anyone knows for sure. But I've seen it happen countless times. Somehow, the unconscious mind picks up the nonverbal signals. Some people call it "a vibe." Whatever you call it, it's a common occurrence.

In Marla's case, at that point in her life, if her unconscious mind could talk, it would have said, "There he is! I'm really drawn to him. I must meet him. This time it'll be different. I'll change him." But, more often than not, the person in Marla's shoes doesn't change someone like Neil. What usually happens is that things seem wonderful at first. That heady in love feeling can sometimes cause us to lose our sense of discernment and good judgment. Also, people who engage in infidelity are often good at hiding what they do. Maybe they'll even be faithful for a while but, sooner or later, if they don't get psychological help, they usually go back to their old ways.

It's not that they're "bad people"--they're usually repeating their own old unconscious patterns too. So, the two of you come together in such a way that your unconscious patterns mesh in a dysfunctional way.  It took a while before Marla was able to feel emotionally safe enough to start dating again. We did a lot of family of origin work, and Marla learned to make the emotional connection between 1) her childhood trauma of being with a father who was usually unfaithful and often seemed on the verge of leaving the family for another woman, and 2) the unfaithful men that Marla was choosing as partners who engaged in the same patterns as her father.

Marla also needed to do a fair amount of grief work to work through her childhood trauma related to her father so that she wouldn't continue to repeat this pattern in her adult life.

We also spent a lot of time exploring her pattern of falling in love with "Mr. Wrong." It was a gradual process. She learned to take her time to get to know new men in her life. In addition to seeing the problem signs with new people, she also learned to recognize her own internal cues, especially if she felt that someone was immediately very compelling to her when she first met him. At first, she was afraid that she would be relegated to having only "dull" relationships because the heady feeling was missing. But, gradually, she learned not to go for the big, immediate emotional "rush." She learned to get to know men over time and not to get into a committed relationship before she knew a man well.

When she finally met a new man that she really liked, she was a little disappointed at first that she was not "head over heels" immediately. She missed that feeling. But she also knew that the immediate "head over heels" feeling had gotten her into trouble every single time. As she got to know this new man, Steven, her feelings for him deepened over time. By the time, they decided to move in together a year later, she experienced a deep, mature love that she had never felt before. She also felt confident that Steven was someone that she could trust and, over time, this turned out to be true.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find yourself continually choosing partners who are not right for you and you don't understand why this continues to happen over and over again, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience in this area.

It is possible to make healthier relationship choices for yourself if you are committed to doing the work in psychotherapy.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EMDR,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You Feel Mistreated, But You're Not Communicating How You Feel

Over the years, as a psychotherapist in New York City, I've seen many clients in my psychotherapy private practice who come to me to talk about how they feel mistreated by others, including spouses, children, other family members, bosses or coworkers:

"My husband takes for granted that I'll do everything in the house."

"My children don't listen to me and do whatever they want."

"My wife ran up my credit card again and now I'll have to pay it because she doesn't work."

"My boss expects me to work overtime everyday, even though he knows I have a family."

As I listen to clients talk about how they feel mistreated, I also listen to how they handle these situations and what unintentional mixed messages they might be giving to the people they feel are mistreating them.

You Feel Mistreated, But You're Not Communicating How You Feel

Ideally, in a perfect world, everyone would follow the Golden Rule and we would all treat each other the way that we want to be treated. 

But we live in an imperfect world and, at some point, someone is going to hurt your feelings, cross a personal boundary or do something that you don't like. Does that make it right? No. But when we're talking about a dynamic between two or more people, we need to look at our own behavior in these situations and how our behavior is affecting the situation:

• Are we setting appropriate boundaries with others?
• If someone has done something that we don't like, do we let him or her know in a tactful way?
• Are we able to assert ourselves appropriately in these situations?
• Are we telling them one thing, but secretly hoping that they will know how we really feel without our telling them?

If we're not communicating how we feel, we might be giving the other person the unintentional mixed message that it's okay to mistreat us.

The following vignette is a composite scenario of various cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jessica:
When Jessica began coming to psychotherapy sessions, she said she felt mistreated by her husband, her children and her boss. When she was growing up, she also felt taken advantage of by her parents.

She often felt sad and exhausted by the demands she felt others were placing on her. She talked about how her husband expected her to watch the children every Sunday while he went off to play golf with his friends. She also said that her teenage children didn't listen to her when she told them to clean their rooms. In addition, she felt that her boss loaded her down with his work, on top of her own work, and she often had to work long, tiring hours. She felt that no matter how hard and long she worked, the work was never done.

When we explored Jessica's family history, she told me that her parents expected her, as a child of nine or 10, to take care of the younger children while they went out to have fun. This happened a lot. She said she never felt that she was allowed to be a child herself because she had to help her parents take care of her six younger siblings and the work seemed never ending.

When we looked at the various situations where, as an adult, Jessica felt taken advantage of, it was interesting to explore how Jessica handled them. It turned out, much to Jessica's surprise, without realizing it, she was actually encouraging the very situations that she said she didn't want.

For instance, when we explored the dynamic between Jessica and her husband, she actually encouraged him to go play golf every Sunday and offered to take care of the children. But she secretly hoped that he would figure out on his own, without her telling him, that she really wanted a break most Sundays and would have preferred that he stayed home to help her. Not only was she not telling him how she really felt--she was telling him to go and not to worry about her.

As we looked at this situation, it was very surprising to Jessica. She realized that she was repeating an old pattern that began with her parents. That small child in her internal emotional world that felt taken advantage of by her parents was recreating the old scenario with her husband, but hoping for a different outcome this time. That part of her that was the small child secretly hoped that, without being told, her husband would see how she really felt. All of this was totally unconscious on Jessica's part.

Once Jessica realized what she was doing with her husband, she also realized that she was doing the same thing with her children and her boss. She realized that she asked her teens to clean their rooms, but she also gave them mixed messages by going ahead and doing it herself--and then feeling resentful about it. She wanted them to see how tired she was, without her telling them, so that they'd clean their rooms themselves. What she said and what she did were two very different things, and this created mixed messages.

At work, Jessica continually asked to help her boss. She never told him that she felt exhausted by her own workload--let alone taking on his work. But when she asked him for his work and he gave it to her, she felt resentful that he didn't see how tired she was. Once again, the small child in her internal world who felt mistreated as a child was hoping to be discovered and seen in a way that Jessica was not seen when she was younger.

It took a lot of hard work and practice but, over time, Jessica learned to assert herself in these situations. It was difficult for her at first, and sometimes she continued to give mixed messages. But as she worked in her psychotherapy sessions on her family of origin issues and we dealt with her inner child, who really was not seen when Jessica was younger, Jessica learned to say what she felt as an adult. And she learned to do it in a tactful way. She no longer kept her real feelings to herself hoping that others would see, without being told, what she really felt.

This was all new for Jessica. It was also new for her family and her boss, so they had to adjust to this new way of interacting with Jessica. But, overall, it worked out well.

It's important to remember that interpersonal dynamics involve two or more people. While the other people in the situation might not be emotionally attuned to how you feel, you might also be giving mixed messages without realizing it. Often, these mixed messages have to do with earlier unresolved issues from childhood that are operating in the situation without your awareness.

So, if you're feeling mistreated in a situation, before you blame the other person for it completely, it's worthwhile to look at what mixed messages you might be giving to the other person. And ask yourself if there might be a part of you, perhaps a younger inner child, who is secretly hoping to be discovered, seen and heard without your letting the other person know how you really feel. This doesn't take the other person off the hook for his or her behavior, but we can't control other people's behavior. We can only control our own.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you continually find yourself in situations where you feel mistreated or taken advantage of, it might be worthwhile for you to explore these issues in psychotherapy with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming the Person You Want to Be

"It's never to late to be who you might have been."
George Elliott

When you were younger, did you have a fantasy about what you wanted to be when you grew up? Do you remember the reactions you got from the adults in your life? If you were fortunate enough to have adults who were emotionally attuned to you, you probably received encouragement and praise for having that dream. But many people were not so fortunate or they had parents who never fulfilled their own dreams and imposed their own unfulfilled wishes for themselves on their children.

Becoming the Person You Want to Be: Children Often Fantasize About Who They Want to Be

As a Child, I Wanted to Be a Writer
Like many children, when I was younger, I changed my ideas over time about who and what I wanted to be when I grew up. When I was five or six, whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would tell them that I wanted to be a writer. Right away, I could tell from their puzzled looks that this wasn't what they expected to hear.

If my mother happened to be in the room at the time, she would say to me, "You can't be a writer. You'll never make any money as a writer." Then, she would turn to the other adults in the room and explain with pride, "She's going to be a teacher." Then, the other adults would look at me with big smiles and say things like, "Ohhhh....a teeeeacher! That's very nice."

All the adults in the room, including and especially my mother, would nod their heads and talk on and on in glowing terms about how wonderful it would be to be a teacher--until they heard me respond with some annoyance in my voice, "I don't want to be a teacher! I want to be a writer!" Then, once again, my mother would try to patiently explain to me all the reasons why I couldn't be a writer and how much better it would be to become a teacher: It's a practical, secure job, you get the summers off, etc. Of course, what she never said is that it had always been her unfulfilled dream to become a teacher.

This writer-teacher power struggle between my mother and I went on for a few years. The longer it went on, the more defiant I became. To prove her wrong, when I was seven, I used to write short plays for my cousins and I to perform in my grandmother's backyard. To counter my mother's protestations that I'd never make money as a writer, I would charge my grandparents, uncles and aunts to come see our performances.

For 10 cents, they could watch us perform in plays with titles like "Mystery of the Mysterious Letters," a play about two sisters who were receiving anonymous scary letters (the mystery was resolved when they found out that the letters came from their long lost brother who wanted to surprise them so, by the end of the play, there was a happy ending when they all got together and laughed about their prankster brother).

For the same 10 cents, after the play, they could listen to my cousins and I sing at the top of our lungs songs like "Love and Marriage" and other popular tunes at the time. For that same 10 cents, we also threw in a can of soda for each guest. With all of that, we still turned a profit, which I never failed to point out to my mother.

Becoming the Person You Want to Be:  Children Have Dreams About Their Future

The only kink in our performances was that there was always one person who refused to pay: The only person who would not hand over that 10 cents was my Aunt Lizzie, who was known to be a very frugal person (may she rest in peace). She lived upstairs from my grandmother and, much to my annoyance and frustration, rather than pay the 10 cents, she just hung out her window and watched our performances like royalty sitting in the balcony, giving her royal wave whenever I glared up at her.

As the years went on, like most children, I changed my mind many times about what I wanted to be. All through those years, the one profession that I never wanted to be was a teacher. No matter how many different ways my mother tried to convince me, even though I had many influential teachers that I liked and admired, teaching was not for me.

In My Late Teens, I Wanted to Be a Psychotherapist
By the time I was in my late teens, I had decided that I wanted to be a psychotherapist. This really confused my mother and everyone else in my family. They thought it was odd. No one in my family had ever met a psychotherapist, let alone gone to one for help. Even though they weren't quite sure exactly what a psychotherapist did, generally, they viewed this profession with a strong degree of suspicion. My aunt would say to me, "But why would you want to talk to crazy people? They could be dangerous."

Becoming the Person You Want to Be:  In My Late Teens, I Wanted to Be a Therapist

By that time, I was reading books by the neo-Freudian psychoanalyst, Karen Horney. She was the first woman psychoanalyst in Freud's inner circle. I would try to talk to my family about what I was reading. But my family tended to be traditional and somewhat conservative in their views. To their way of thinking, the unconscious, if it existed at all, was better left unconscious: "Why stir things up? Leave it alone!" And I could tell that, by the time I decided I wanted to be a psychotherapist, they longed for the old days when I wanted to be a writer. They thought this new idea about becoming a psychotherapist was very strange, and I could tell that, on some level, they were worried about me.

Having maintained what I considered to be my independence all of those years, I thought I would have been better equipped to actually make a career choice when I was in my 20s. But little did I know that some of my mother's and other family member's persistent advice to be practical and choose a more traditional profession had seeped into my psyche, so that by the time I was in my early 20s, I was in a state of conflict about what I wanted to do.

I started out as a psychology major in college. I loved my courses and my professors at Hunter College. But, in the back of my mind, I kept feeling a growing inner conflict about my choice. As that inner conflict grew, I lost confidence in my choice to be psychotherapist. By my sophomore year, that inner conflict was raging in my mind. It was as if there were two forces in my mind pulling me in two different directions. If they could speak, one force would have said, "You love psychology. Pursue your dreams" and the other one would have said, "Be practical. Become a business major."

A Detour to Be "Practical"

A Detour to be "Practical"

At some point in my sophomore year, the second force won out and I left Hunter and pursued a business degree at Baruch College. My family seemed much relieved that I was finally being practical. Now, Baruch was, and still is, a very fine school for business. But I hated most of my business courses, especially accounting. It was torturous for me. Despite all of my grim determination, I could never get my debits and credits to balance out. And, more importantly, I didn't care.

A Career in Human Resources
Eventually, I left Baruch College and pursued a career in human resources. At the time, you didn't need a college degree to become an interviewer. And over time, I was promoted to become an assistant human resources manager for a financial institution.

I enjoyed my work. But, in the back of my mind, I still felt a passion for psychology. From time to time, I thought about going back to college and pursuing a psychology degree. But whenever those thoughts came up, I told myself that I was already in my late 30s and I was too old to go back to school. I didn't want to sit in classrooms with 18 year olds.

The Unthinkable:  Losing My Job
Then, the unthinkable happened: I lost my job. If you've ever lost a job, you know how shocking and disturbing this can be. For most people, losing your job can precipitate a crisis, especially if there were no signs or hints of an impending job loss. Despite excellent performance reviews and overall praise from my superiors and colleagues, I was laid off. I can still remember how disorienting it was to collect my possessions and leave the building. One minute you're following your daily routine at work and going about your life as usual, and the next minute you're unemployed.

Even though I was shocked by this turn of events, what's interesting is that it took me only a couple of hours to decide that, rather than looking for another job in human resources, I would return to Hunter College and complete my psychology degree. Prior to getting laid off, whenever I thought about going back for my psychology degree, I gave myself all of the "practical reasons" why I couldn't do it.

Times of Crisis Can Be Opportunities for Change
But times of crisis can also be opportunities for change. And once I made my decision, I knew it felt right and I never looked back. I threw myself into my studies with abandon. To my surprise, many of the same professors were still in the psychology department. And even though I was much older than most of the other students, I became accustomed to being the oldest student in the class relatively quickly. And I realized that, as a student in my late 30s, I had more depth and life experience than I ever had when I was in my late teens and 20s, so I had a lot more to offer.

Training to Become a Psychotherapist
I love to learn. So, after I completed my undergraduate degree, I went on the graduate school and then postgraduate psychoanalytic training. Attending psychoanalytic training was like coming home for me. I reread articles by Karen Horney, among other psychoanalysts, and remembered how much joy I felt reading this material when I was 18.

While I was in the adult psychoanalytic program at Postgraduate Center for Mental Health, I saw clients. It was then that I really knew that I was on the right path. Eventually, I set up my own private practice with some of the clients that I had been seeing from Postgraduate Center.

I Learn By Listening to My Psychotherapy Clients
Today, I continue to learn and grow from various professional trainings. I also learn by listening to my clients. I am continually expanding my knowledge in areas like EMDR and clinical hypnosis. And I continue to be curious and fascinated by the different areas in psychology. In May, I'll be training in Somatic Experiencing.

The point of my self disclosure in this blog post is that, as long as you're alive and in reasonably good health, it's never too late to pursue your dreams. You might get derailed by obstacles in your path, but usually you can find a way to get back to your dreams.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel stuck and conflicted about "what you want to be when you grow up," no matter what age you are, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who can help you overcome those obstacles so that you can pursue your passion.

About Me
I am a psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients overcome obstacles that kept them from leading fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning About Yourself While Traveling

I thought I would take a break this time from weighty psychological topics and focus on travel and what we can learn about ourselves when we travel.

Learning About New People, Places and Cultures While Traveling
Most people who like to travel talk about how much they like meeting new people from different countries, visiting new places, and learning about different cultures. 

Learning About Yourself While Traveling

When I have an opportunity to travel and can get away, I also enjoy all of these things. I have a natural curiosity about new people and places. And I'm sure that my curiosity, as well as my desire to help people, contributed to my decision to become a psychotherapist.

Aside from discovering new cultures, I find that traveling is also a good way to learn about yourself--how you react to new people, situations, foreign customs and possible hardships on the trip. Recently, I traveled to Nosara, Costa Rica on the Pacific coast for some rest and relaxation. I've been curious about Costa Rica for a long time, especially after I heard that Costa Ricans, who call themselves Ticos, are supposed to be among the happiest people in the world.

Learning About Yourself While Traveling
It's always interesting to observe yourself in new situations. Even though I love to travel, there are certain things about traveling that I don't especially relish: the long lines at the airport, travel delays, and going through security at the airport. 

I think I usually approach these situations with patience and equanimity, but I'm aware that, at times, I feel frustrated. Over the years, I've learned that remembering to take a few deep breaths and closing my eyes to meditate for a few minutes can go a long way when faced with travel challenges.

When our plane boarded on time, my companions and I were pleased. Everything seemed to be going as planned. But then we got stuck on the tarmac, waiting for our turn, in a long line of planes, to take off. The captain, who had a confident and reassuring tone, told us that we would be delayed by about 20 minutes as we waited for our turn to take off. I closed my eyes and, in my mind's eye I saw the beautiful pictures I had seen online of Nosara beaches. Even with a 20 minute delay, I told myself, we could still be on the beach by mid-afternoon.

Then, after about 10 other planes had taken off, it was our turn. As the plane gained momentum and I felt it lifting off, I felt a sense of exhilaration. There's something about take offs that always makes me think that I'm free of whatever cares I might have left behind. I thought to myself: I'm off the ground, heading into the clouds, leaving behind the cold, dreary New York rain, and in four in a half hours, our plane would land in Liberia, two hours away by car from Nosara.

Fortunately for us, our flight was fairly uneventful, and I was able to relax and read my book. When we landed, it was a sunny 85 degrees in Liberia. I could already picture myself on the beach, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the beautiful ocean...but first, we had to go through Costa Rican Immigration. We were directed to the Immigration area, which was a open area in one of the airport buildings that was cooled by a large ceiling fan.

The first thing that I noticed was that five other planes from the US and Canada had arrived around the same time that we had. The second thing that I noticed was that there were no lines--it was just a mass of hundreds of people all trying to get to the four or five Immigration officials who were examining passports. There was no organization at all.

Finally, two and a half hours later, my companions and I were allowed to enter into the country. The next challenge was waiting for a van that would take us to the nearest Avis office since there were no car rental agencies at the airport. Forty-five minutes later, we were in the van on our way to Avis. We were greeted by very pleasant, efficient Avis employees who spoke fluent English and who were very helpful with regard to explaining to us how to get from Liberia to Nosara.

Then, we were off, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Even with all of the delays, we could still be on the beach by the late afternoon, I thought. It was also a relief to be driving on the open highway. We had the guidance of a GPS, which is a must if you're traveling from Liberia to Nosara because the roads can be confusing. We passed through open fields where cattle ranchers were raising cows and goats. We also passed through small, quaint towns along the way. Some of the Ticos waved to us as we went by, and I remember thinking that they really did seem like happy people.

Everything was going fine for the first hour or so. Then, the GPS informed us that we would be coming to unpaved roads. No problem, we thought, we had all driven over unpaved roads before, so we weren't concerned. However, the unpaved roads in Costa Rica are not just unpaved--they are extremely rutted and filled with big stones. So, it wasn't possible to drive more than 40 kilometers per hour.

After another hour of the bumpiest ride that I've ever experienced in my life, the sun began to go down. (Did I mention that the roads are unlit at night and that, other than our car lights, the only light came from the stars and a sliver of waxing moon?) At that point, we were on high, narrow, windy roads with two-way traffic and hairpin turns. As we made the turns, there were blind spots where we couldn't see the oncoming traffic until it was nearly on top of us which, in a few instances, was rather harrowing.

There were several instances where we had to drive over bridges where there were signs that said, "Peligroso," which means dangerous in Spanish. So, we were forewarned about the danger, except that we didn't know what that meant. Only one car could go over these bridges at a time, so we usually yielded to other cars and motorcycles coming from the other direction. At one point, we were about to go over another bridge and, luckily, we noticed before we drove further that there was no bridge. The only indicator that there was no bridge was a pile of rocks in front of where the bridge used to be (before it was washed away?). Beyond that, there was a big drop.

Four hours later, after getting lost several times, we arrived at Villa del Sol, a gated community of low-rise condos in Nosara. We were very glad to have reached our destination. The manager, Daniel, greeted us warmly. I wondered if I would have to try to muddle through in my imperfect Spanish, but Daniel spoke perfect English, "I'm surprised that you drove from Liberia to Nosara at night. I usually tell people to rent a hotel in Liberia and wait until morning, rather than drive at night, because the roads in Nosara are treacherous at night." If only we had asked him...

Once we were settled in for the night, exhausted, we wondered aloud if we had made a mistake in traveling to a place with such dangerous roads. After all, this was supposed to be a vacation for rest and relaxation. But by the morning, we were refreshed and we were ready to explore Nosara. And being able to see during the day was a big improvement over driving on the rutted roads in the pitch black of the evening. But we still had to proceed very slowly and cautiously over the roads and we got lost quite a bit because many road signs were missing.

As we were driving along, I noticed that the Ticos did not seem at all bothered by the roads. They were riding in all types of vehicles--everything from 4 Wheel Drive vehicles to rickety bicycles. We saw mothers carrying their little children on bicycles, waving to us, looking very content.

It was then that I had a small epiphany about my own and my companions' attitudes: There we were, middle class Americans who had the luxury of traveling to beautiful Costa Rica, complaining to ourselves about the roads. And here were these Ticos, many of whom lived in small humble homes, who had much less than we had monetarily. They were traveling along these same bumpy roads but, rather than complaining, they were smiling and waving at us. (I was amazed at how adapt the cyclists were, both bicyclists and motorcyclists, at navigating around as their bikes occasionally went up in the air when they hit a big rut or a stone in the road.)

For the rest of our vacation, I was much more aware of my thoughts, feelings and attitudes about any inconveniences that came up. I think we were all much more aware of how lucky we were, and how much we had to be grateful for in our lives. And we realized that a few bumps in the road, literally, should not throw us off.

For me, it was a wonderful example of how much we can all learn about ourselves when we find ourselves in unfamiliar situations: Do we approach these challenges with a calm and patient attitude or do we become discontent or fearful of the unfamiliar?

As for Nosara, I would highly recommend it. Pelada beach was just steps from our condo. It's a beautiful beach. We saw all kinds of birds on the beach, including diving pelicans and white egrets. There were also many howler monkeys in the trees close to our condo. They seemed as curious about us as we were about them. And the sunsets on Pelada are magnificent. If you go to Nosara, go to Olga's restaurant, which is a small, unassuming restaurant right on the beach, and eat the most delicious shrimp that you've ever tasted while watching the sunset.

I never did find out exactly why Costa Ricans are among the happiest people in the world. I suspect that it has a lot to do with the fact that their government places a strong emphasis on education and health. 

Almost everywhere you go, you hear or see the words "Pura Vida," which means pure life. They also place a high value on family, community, and preserving their environment. I think we could all learn a lot from Ticos, and I hope to return to Costa Rica to see the many wonderful sights that I did not have time to see during this trip.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


 

Adolescent Depression Among 18 Year Olds: Child or Adult?

Adolescent Depression Among 18 Year Olds: Child or Adult?

Adolescent Depression Among 18 Year Olds:  Child or Adult?

Over the years, I've seen a number of parents who come to psychotherapy to deal with their own fear, frustration, and anxiety related to an 18 year old daughter or son who refuses to get help for depression. With regard to mental health decisions, in New York State, we consider an 18 year old to be an adult who can make his or her own decisions about getting mental health treatment. A concerned parent, who is worried about the welfare of his or her child, cannot force an 18 year old to get help if the teen doesn't want it. This raises a lot of complicated issues:

• Even though the law considers an 18 year old to be an adult with regard to participating in mental health treatment, does an 18 year old always have the psychological maturity and judgment needed to make this decision?
• Given all the hormonal and psychological changes that go on during adolescence, does an 18 year old always know what's in his or her best interests regarding psychological health?
• How does teenage rebellion against parents and authority figures factor into this issue?
• How does the depression itself affect an 18 year old's ability to make sound decisions for him or herself in this situation?

What is Adolescent Depression?

What is Adolescent Depression?

Adolescent depression is a psychological disorder that occurs during teenage years with symptoms of persistent sadness, loss of interest in his or her usual activities, loss of self worth, and discouragement. In many cases, teens will start to isolate themselves from family and friends. In some cases, teens might turn to alcohol or drugs to self medicate their depression. In more severe cases, teens might make impulsive attempts or gestures to commit suicide. There might be other symptoms from other psychological disorders such as anxiety, anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, self mutilating, hair pulling, and other similar symptoms. See below (What Are the Symptoms of Adolescent Depression?)

What Causes of Adolescent Depression?

What Causes Adolescent Depression?

Depression during adolescence is not unusual. Some of the causes of depression in teens might be:

• hormonal changes that occur during adolescence
• stress associated with the normal process of maturing and developmental change
• a reaction to a disturbing event: the death of a friend or loved one, the breakup of a relationship, problems at school, and other similar issues

Teens who are Most Vulnerable to Depression:

Teens Who Are Most Vulnerable to Depression

• have low self esteem
• are highly critical of themselves
• have little sense of control over stressful events that occur to them
• have been sexually, physically or emotionally abused or emotionally neglected
• often come from a family with a history of depression
• often have poor social skills
• often feel that they don't "fit in" with their peer group
• have an unstable home life
• often have parents who are divorced
• experience the loss of a parent

What are the Symptoms of Adolescent Depression?

What Are the Symptoms of Adolescent Depression?

• acting out behavior (misbehaving in school, acting defiant with parents)
• changes in appetite (either increase or decrease)
• criminal behavior (shoplifting, alcohol or drug abuse, selling drugs, etc)
• persistent sadness
• irritable mood
• difficulty concentrating
• difficulty making decisions
• problems with memory
• sleep problems (either problems with insomnia, excessive sleeping or day time sleepiness)
• excessively irresponsible behavior
• excessive guilt
• problems in school, including failing grades, fighting with teachers or other students, cutting classes, etc.
• thoughts about suicide, making plans to commit suicide or actual suicide attempts
• substance abuse or other forms of addictive behavior (gambling, acting out sexually)
• excessive worry or preoccupation about death
• significant weight change (either gaining or losing)

Is it Depression or Something Else?
Depression is difficult to diagnose in teens due to hormonal and other developmental changes that go on during this phase of life. Some of the above symptoms are just a normal part of being a teen and do not necessarily mean that your teen is depressed. A psychotherapist or psychiatrist, who specializes in working with teens, should be consulted to make a differential diagnosis. Also, it's a good idea to consult with your medical doctor to rule out any medical causes. A doctor who is knowledgeable about substance abuse can also rule out alcohol or drug abuse.

Depression Before and After Age 18:
Prior to the age of 18, as a parent, you can make the decision as to whether or not your child gets help. It's always better to include teens in on the decision making process, if you can, rather than trying to force them to get help. Also, when teens become involved in criminal activity, the court can mandate that they attend treatment and will often monitor their compliance in treatment.

But when teens turn 18, getting them into treatment for depression can be a thorny issue, if they are either afraid to get into treatment, they feel stigmatized, or they refuse to participate in treatment as part of their rebellion towards you.

What to Do If Your 18 Year Old Refuses to Get Help:
Recognize that, ultimately, as scary as this might be, in most cases, the decision is up to your 18 year old. But there are some steps that you can take to help your 18 year old to get help:

Normalize What Your Child is Feeling
As previously mentioned, it's not unusual for teens to be depressed. Your 18 year old might feel that he or she is the only one who is going through depression. This can be especially painful because teens often have a strong need to "fit in" with their peer group. If they think that what they're going through is "weird" or "crazy," it would be helpful for them to know that they're not alone.

Provide Your Child with Psychoeducational Material about Depression
Organizations like NAMI (http://www.NAMI.org) have websites that provide psychoeducational information about depression. So, even if your 18 year old won't listen to you, he or she might be more receptive to information that is online.

Elicit the Help of Someone Close to Your 18 Year Old
During the adolescent phase of growing up, teens are striving to have some degree of autonomy and control. This often translates into alternating behavior of over dependence and rebellion towards parents and authority figures. An 18 year old's decision not to participate in mental health treatment for depression can be adversely affected by his or her need to feel autonomous and independent from parents. So, even though you might be the one who is most familiar with what's going on with your teen, you might not be the one that he or she will listen to about this. In many cases, it's helpful to find someone who has some influence with your teenager--that might be an older sibling, an aunt or uncle, your child's medical doctor, or a coach. They might be more persuasive than you.

Try Not to Get into a Power Struggle with Your 18 Year Old
If your 18 year old refuses to get help for depression, your inclination might be to feel angry and frustrated. You might see all the signs and symptoms of depression and know that you have better judgment with regard to your teen getting help. However, aside from emergency situations, if you try to force, rather than persuade, your teen to get help, your teen might dig in his or her heels about this, making it less likely that he or she will get help.

What About Suicidal Thoughts, Intention, Plan or Attempt?
If your teen is talking about suicide, you need to consult with a psychiatrist who specializes in working with teens immediately. Teens can be impulsive and events that might seem insignificant to you can often be emotionally overwhelming for a teen. When teens are impulsive, often, there is no forethought about suicide--they make the attempt.

If your teen has actually made an attempt, of course, you need to call 911 immediately. If your 18 year old is taken to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation following a suicidal attempt or gesture, the psychiatrists can hold him or her for up to 72 hours or more if they feel that your child will be a risk to him or herself or others.

Hopefully, as a parent of a teen, you will never be faced with adolescent depression in your child. But if you are, aside from getting your teen help, the family might need family counseling and you might need your own psychotherapy to cope with this ordeal.

I am a NYC licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults as well as couples.

To find out more about more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me

Expressing Your Emotions in a Healthy Way

Many people begin psychotherapy because they either become aware that they're disconnected from their emotions, they can't identify or express their emotions or they are overwhelmed by feelings that they don't understand. 

Expressing Emotions in a Healthy Way

They might know that they're "not feeling right," but they don't know what's wrong. They might be able to see the consequences of their problem in their personal or work relationships or in their difficulty with achieving their goals. 

They might also have problems just getting through the day. But, other than knowing that "something is wrong," they don't know where to begin. Then, on top of that, they judge themselves harshly for not knowing what to do.

It's not unusual to be aware that you're having a certain, vague emotional discomfort but not know what's happening to you. At times, this experience can feel scary because you might feel out of control. 

 Most people like to have a sense of control in their lives, especially over their own emotions. For some people, when they feel out of control, they might feel like they're "going crazy." Or, conversely, some people feel emotionally "flat." They don't feel the highs and lows that others feel and they wonder if "something is wrong" with them.

Often, it's more about never having learned to identify feelings in the first place. This usually occurs in families where, for a variety of reasons, children are discouraged from feeling their emotions. 

 In subtle and not so subtle ways, children in these families learn that emotions are dangerous things to be avoided, especially any type of strong emotion. These children learn to disconnect from their emotions and, if strong feelings do come to the surface despite their best efforts to tamp them down, they find other ways, usually self destructive ways, to dissociate from their emotions.

An Inability to Express Your Emotions Can Ruin a Relationship

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many psychotherapy cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how a child in a family where emotions are discouraged grows up into an adult who is unable to identify his emotions:

Tom:
When Tom began psychotherapy, he was in crisis. His girlfriend of two years, Betty, was threatening to leave their relationship because she felt that Tom was not emotionally available to her and her emotional needs weren't being met in their relationship.

On some vague level, Tom understood that Betty wasn't happy, but he was also confused about the problem. He didn't understand what the problem was, why it was happening, or how to change it. He had never participated in psychotherapy before because he thought it was for people who are "crazy." But, at the point when he started therapy, he was at a loss as to what to do. He didn't want to lose Betty and she offered to give him time to figure things out in therapy before she left the relationship.

At the start of therapy, Tom was only able to identify his fear of losing Betty, which he also did not understand. Other than that, in general, he couldn't say if he felt angry, sad, frustrated, or happy. He talked about feeling like, before his relationship with Betty, he was "just going through the motions" for most of his life. He said that he was unaware of any highs and lows most of the time. Aside from how Betty experienced Tom, now that he was faced with the possible loss of his relationship, Tom wasn't satisfied with his inability to identify, feel or express his emotions. He wanted to change, but he didn't know how.

When we explored Tom's experiences as a child, it made sense that Tom was so out of touch with his feelings. As an only child, Tom grew up with parents who provided him with everything that he needed materially, but they were emotionally distant from Tom as well as in their own relationship with each other. They never abused him physically or emotionally. He was not physically neglected in any way.

Tom's parents taught him to be an ethical, hard working person, but they didn't value relationships. They had no friends of their own, and they couldn't understand why Tom would want to spend time playing with other children or why he would even want them, as his parents, to spend time playing with him. It didn't make sense to them. They couldn't understand why he would want them to come to see him in a school play or why he would even want to participate in the play at all. They viewed most things in terms of its utilitarian value: Was it "right"? Was it "useful"? If not, why do it? So, Tom spent most of his time alone.

Tom's parents also discouraged him from having any strong emotions, whether it was happy, sad or angry. Rather than treating Tom as a child who needed emotional nurturing, they treated him like a little adult.

Tom never saw his parents being affectionate with each other. They were often preoccupied and distracted with their own individual projects and concerns in separate parts of the house. Even at dinner, his father often read the newspaper to himself and his mother read a book. Tom usually ate his dinner staring at his plate in silence.

When he got a little older,Tom became convinced that he was "a mistake," and they never intended to have children at all. Whenever his parents heard about a couple who wanted a child or someone who was happy about having just given birth, they were mystified. Without any awareness of how it might affect Tom, they often openly expressed their bewilderment about why couples would want children at all. They talked about how "expensive" it was to raise a child and how it limited people's lives because it was so "time consuming."

As a result, as a child, Tom was careful not to be "a nuisance" to his parents. He was diligent about his studies and got good grades because he knew it was expected of him. Throughout his life, he often had only one friend at any given time. Most of the time, it was someone who was outgoing and saw something about Tom that was appealing and endearing. Usually, this person made most of the effort to keep the friendship going.

Tom felt that he went through the motions in college. He neither enjoyed it nor disliked it. He didn't think in those terms. Going to college was something that was expected of him, and he knew he needed to do it to get a decent job. He dated very little in college. He was accustomed to spending most of his time on his own, so he didn't miss companionship and he didn't feel especially sexual.

After college, Tom understood that his parents expected him to move out on his own. His parents felt they had done their duty as parents to raise him to the age of 21, and now he needed to take care of himself. He obtained a good paying full time job as a technical writer, and he also worked part time in a book store to be able to afford his own apartment in Manhattan.

His parents never came to see his apartment nor did they express any curiosity about it. After he moved out, Tom only saw his parents occasionally. They always seemed surprised when he called them and he said he wanted to come over to see them. When they did get together, it was often at times when Tom could help them with some household project. So, after he moved out, this became the focus of Tom's relationship with his parents. Once again, the focus was utilitarian and not based on mutual love or affection.

When Tom met Betty, he sensed immediately that there was something very different about her. Aside from being very bright and sharing similar values, she was an affectionate, enthusiastic young woman. At first, he wasn't sure if he liked how emotionally effusive she was with him. It felt somewhat strange and unfamiliar. Although he didn't understand it, he tolerated it. But he also felt she was "a good person" and he wanted to get to know her better. Initially, she told him that she was drawn to him because he seemed so "emotionally independent." Early on, she teased him sometimes about being somewhat aloof, but she also cared about him a great deal. For his part, Tom felt himself drawn to and curious about Betty. It was the first time that he felt sexually drawn to someone. They also both cared about the environment and worked on local ecological projects together.

The problems began in the second year of their relationship. At that point, Betty wanted to take the relationship to the next level. She felt committed to their relationship, but she said she was never sure how Tom was feeling about it. She knew that she loved him and that he cared about her, but she wasn't sure if he loved her or not. They were both in their mid-20s, and she wanted to get married and have children. She told Tom that she wanted to make a life with him, but she wasn't sure how he felt. When Betty told him this, Tom was somewhat bewildered by it. He felt fine about how their relationship just the way it was. He didn't see the need to change it to get married, and he certainly didn't see the need for children.

As time went on, Betty began to express her dissatisfaction with what she described as Tom's emotional distance. What she once saw as Tom's "emotional independence" she now perceived as his being cold and too distant. She told him that she loved him, but he was not meeting her emotional needs. When Tom heard this, he realized that he had never really thought about his own emotional needs before. It wasn't until Tom was faced with the possibility of losing Betty that he even considered his emotional needs.

As Betty became increasingly aware of the extent of Tom's problems, Betty suggested that Tom seek out a psychotherapist to get help. Tom contacted his doctor, and his doctor referred Tom to me.

When Tom started therapy, Betty agreed to be patient and to give Tom a chance to change in therapy. Tom came to our psychotherapy sessions diligently once a week. Slowly, over time, Tom began to identify his feelings.

At first, Tom was most aware of the fear that he felt about losing Betty. Gradually, he began to be able to identify other feelings, including a deep sadness, which had been buried since childhood, about his parents' emotional aloofness with him. He struggled to mourn what he didn't get from them as a child and how lonely he had been.

At first, experiencing his emotions was frightening for him. We worked on Tom developing coping strategies, including daily meditation, for when he felt overwhelmed. But struggling with these emotions also heightened his appreciation for Betty's love and affection.

Over time, Betty told Tom that she noticed a difference in him that she liked. She felt that Tom was more emotionally available to her. For his part, Tom expressed feeling like he was waking up from a long, dull sleep. He was a naturally curious person, and he approached these changes with a mixture of curiosity, real excitement for the first time that he could remember, and also some fear and sadness. But, as he became more accustomed to feeling his emotions, Tom also felt that his every day world was opening up to him. He approached his relationship, his work and life in general as if he was given a new pair of eyes where he could see and sense things he never felt before.

As he developed a greater capacity to identify, feel and express his emotions, Tom's relationship with Betty became much closer. He realized what he had been missing for most of his life, and he felt a deep sense of gratitude that he had finally found it and could appreciate it. Within a couple of years of starting therapy, Tom and Betty were planning their wedding and talking about having children. For the first time in his life, Tom felt he understood that he had something to offer a wife and family on an emotional level, and he could also take in emotionally what they had to offer him.

There are so many reasons why people have difficulty identifying, feeling and expressing their emotions. In Tom's case, it was due to being raised in a household where his parents were very aloof and discouraged the expression of emotions or even the recognition of emotional needs. For other people, it might be the opposite--maybe they grew up in a family that was explosive where they learned that emotions were dangerous.

Getting Help in Therapy
The good news is that it's never too late to learn how to identify, feel and express your emotions in a healthy way. 

 Psychotherapy offers the possibility to understand and express your emotions so that you can lead a fuller and more satisfying life. 

Getting Help in Therapy

 Depending upon your particular challenges with emotions, it often takes a willingness to make a commitment to therapy and work through earlier issues. But the rewards for doing this work are often life changing.

If you're having problems identifying, feeling and expressing your emotions, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hour or email me.

Starting Psychotherapy: Developing a Sense of Psychological Mindedness

What is Psychological Mindedness?
Often, for people who are starting psychotherapy for the first time, there is a misconception that the client comes to see the psychotherapist, explains the problem, and the therapist gives the client "the answer" about what to do. This is what's meant by the client who seeks the "quick fix."

Starting Psychotherapy: Developing a Sense of Psychological Mindedness

Aside from certain specific problems. like coming for clinical hypnosis for smoking cessation, generally, there are no "quick fixes" in psychotherapy. There are certain types of psychotherapy that tend to be faster and more effective than regular talk therapy, like EMDR and clinical hypnosis, for certain problems.

But, generally, psychotherapists don't tell their clients what to do. Unlike counseling, where counselors often give advice, in most cases, psychotherapy involves a self exploration of your internal emotional world. And in order to engage in this self exploration of your internal emotional world, you need to begin with a sense of curiosity that allows you to develop psychological mindedness.

When you develop a sense of psychological mindedness, you're more open and curious about your emotional world. Rather than passively waiting for the therapist to tell you what to do, you become actively involved in your own internal process. I emphasize the word "process" because this is not a one-time event. It's a process that usually unfolds over time.

Developing psychological mindedness involves more than just coming to vent about your problems or "report" on what happened in the last week. When you develop a sense of psychological mindedness, you develop an awareness of your thoughts, feelings and behavior.

If you're working with a psychotherapist who emphasizes the mind-body connection, as I do, you also become more aware of where you feel your feelings in your body. Learning to recognize where you feel your feelings in your body can be very powerful. It helps you to develop emotional insight and not just intellectual insight.

The difference between emotional insight and intellectual insight is that when you have emotional insight, you feel it in your "gut." You have a deeper sense of knowing than you would when you only have intellectual insight and it's just ideas in your head.

When you're psychologically minded, your emotional world as well as your external world around you, opens up for you in a new way. You begin to become more aware and make psychological connections in your life that you wouldn't have made if you remained passively waiting for a therapist (or anyone else) to tell you what to do. Generally, you begin to see more readily what you're doing that's not working for you. You also often see what triggers your behavior, whether it's unresolved issues from the past or something that is going on in the here-and-now.

Being psychologically minded and making psychological connections about your internal world and how you interact with others allows you to start making changes, if you're ready and willing to make those changes.

You might wonder why I would say "if you're ready and willing." After all, if you're coming to see a psychotherapist, doesn't that imply that you're having problems and you want to change? Well, not necessarily.

Often, people begin psychotherapy because the discomfort of having certain emotional problems has become overwhelming. They know that they're emotionally overwhelmed and they don't want to feel that way. They want the emotional pain to stop or the problems to end. But actually going through the psychological process of developing curiosity and awareness so they can make changes in their life is not always what they bargained for.

Once again, the desire for the "quick fix" can be strong, and it might be hard to understand why coming to psychotherapy is different than going for a one-time visit to your medical doctor where your doctor diagnoses the problem, tells you what it is, and gives you a pill or an injection to solve it.

Psychological problems are more complex than most regular medical problems. There are often multiple layers of meaning to your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. So, when your therapist listens to the problems that you bring into your session, he or she is not just listening for a list of symptoms and connecting it to a particular illness that can be readily resolved with a prescription.

Developing Psychological Mindedness as a First Step in Psychotherapy:
So, becoming curious and open to your thoughts and feelings as well as your behavior, and learning to make psychological connections between them is the beginning of developing psychological mindedness. It's a much richer and more rewarding process than if someone just tells you what to do (even if there were someone who actually knew what was best for you). It's the beginning of your psychological process in psychotherapy.

Developing a Sense of Psychological Mindedness in Therapy

Why do I say developing psychological mindedness is just the beginning? The answer is that, in order to make changes, in most cases, you need to take action. Most of the time, it's not enough to just be psychologically minded, understand the problems and stop there. Depending upon the problem, you often need to actually do something to make a change.

Getting Stuck After Developing Psychological Understanding and Before Taking Action:
Many clients in psychotherapy get stuck at the point where they need to take action. Developing a psychological understanding of the problem, while being essential, is not the be-all and end-all of the process. Getting stuck before taking action is common obstacle, but it doesn't need to be a permanent state. It can be a stage in the process that needs to be overcome and clients often do overcome these obstacles if they're willing to stick with the process.

Once again, psychological mindedness can help clients to understand why they get stuck before they take action to change their problems. It can be that they're really not ready yet to make the changes they need to make. It can also be a fear of what it might be like to change and have things be different. There can be so many other factors involved.

A skilled psychotherapist can often help clients to translate emotional insight and psychological understanding into action, but the therapist can't do it for them. When a client gets stuck, patience on the part of the client and the therapist is usually helpful. There might be other underlying issues, possibly trauma, that might not be immediately apparent at first to the client or even to the therapist.

If you're seeing a thearpist who is trained in different forms of psychotherapy, it might be necessary to switch from one form of psychotherapy, like regular talk therapy, to EMDR or clinical hypnosis to overcome the particular obstacles or trauma that have arisen which prevent the client from making the change. But that's a different blog post (see my earlier posts that describe EMDR and clinical hypnosis and how they're different from regular talk therapy).

Learning to be a Psychotherapy Client:
Most clients who begin psychotherapy learn how to be psychotherapy clients as they go along with the help of their therapist. Learning to be a psychotherapy client is a learning process in itself because participating in psychotherapy is different from most anything else that you've ever done before. You might have seen movies or TV programs of people in psychotherapy and, even if it's an accurate portrayal of psychotherapy (and it's often not), when it's your personal psychotherapy, you experience it on a very different level.

When you begin psychotherapy, developing a sense of psychological mindedness can be a challenge. But it's often an experience that allows you to know yourself in a deeper and more fulfilling way. Developing a psychological understanding of yourself involves more than just brief treatment. It involves dedication and patience that develops over time.

As I mentioned earlier, there are certain problems (like smoking cessation) that can be overcome in 3-5 sessions. But for most complex problems, even problems are amenable to EMDR and clinical hypnosis, developing psychological understanding is a process that takes time.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist in NYC.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.