The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages

In a prior article, You Feel Mistreated, But Are You Giving Mixed Messages?,  I discussed how people sometimes feel mistreated by others when, in reality, they're giving people mixed messages about how they want to be treated.  In this article, I'm focusing on another aspect of mixed messages--saying one thing, but behaving in the opposite way.

The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages

Usually, people who give mixed messages aren't aware that they're doing it.  It's often an unconscious process.

The following short vignettes are examples of how an individual can give mixed messages to someone else where the behavior contradicts what is being verbally communicated.

Scenario 1:
Kim is in a committed relationship with John.  When she meets the new colleague, Bill, she recognizes immediately that they have a strong attraction for one another.  When he asks her out for lunch, she sees no harm in being friendly.

The Connection Between Unconscious Ambivalence and Mixed Messages

During the next few weeks, they have lunch a few more times and he tells her what is already obvious to her--that there is a strong attraction between them and he would like to date her.  At that point, she tells him that she is in a committed relationship with John and she can't date him.  At first, Bill is surprised and disappointed, but then he says he understands and backs off.

After a week of not hearing from Bill, Kim wonders if Bill's feelings are hurt and feels she needs to call him to talk to him about this.  When she talks to her friends about this, they question her motives and try to discourage her from calling him, unless it's about business.  But Kim feels she has to clear up "any misunderstandings" so she calls him and asks him to have lunch.

During their lunch, Bill assures her that she doesn't need to be concerned.  He understands and he's not hurt or angry.  In response, Kim tells him that she thinks she was probably too hasty and maybe they can be friends.  So, she continues to get together with him and their attraction grows.

Despite what Kim told him, after a while, Bill thinks that there might still be a chance for a romantic relationship or, at least, a sexual relationship, so he invites Kim to go away with him for the weekend.  Surprised and angry, Kim tells Bill that she can't understand why he would ask her to go away with him since he knows that she's in a relationship.  Bill responds that he thinks she's playing with him, and Kim gets incensed and walks away.

The next day, when she tells her therapist, for the first time, about her lunches with Bill, her therapist points out that Kim seems to be ambivalent about what she wants from Bill and her words and actions don't match, so she is giving Bill mixed messages.

As they continue to explore it further, Kim realizes that, on a certain level, she does want to date Bill, but she doesn't want to cheat on John.  Due to her ambivalence, she tells Bill that she's not available, but the part of her that wants to date him finds ways to keep seeing him.  After she realizes this, she takes responsibility for her actions, apologizes to Bill, and maintains appropriate boundaries with him.

Scenario 2:
Don has been sober and in recovery for 10 years.  Aside from attending therapy, he goes to A.A. meetings and has regular contact with his sponsor.

Don meets Mary at a party and asks her out.  Both of them realize that there's a strong chemistry between them and they enjoy each other's company.

After a few dates, Don realizes that Mary has a serious drinking problem. After he talks to his psychotherapist and sponsor about it, he recognizes that continuing to date Mary would be unhealthy for him because she drinks heavily and he is putting himself at risk for a relapse.

When he sees Mary again, he tells her that his sobriety is very important to him and being around  her when she drinks so much could jeopardize his recovery.  Mary tells him that she understands.  She says  she is willing not to drink around him.  Initially, Don agrees to this, but he soon realizes that even if Mary doesn't drink around him, she still exhibits other addictive behavior, which is unhealthy for him to be around.

The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages

A year later, Don is still dating Mary and telling her the same thing--that he shouldn't be dating her because of her addictive behavior.  Mary never argues with him about this.  She continues to be understanding about it and tells him that if he feels he can't see her anymore, he should let her know.  Even though Don tells her that he "shouldn't" see her, he still continues to ask her to go out with him, so he continues to act out his ambivalence.

As he and his therapist explore his relationship with Mary, Don realizes that Mary reminds him of his alcoholic mother.  Don was the "hero" in his family and he would often be the one to bring his mother staggering home from the bar.  After many years of pleading with his mother to stop drinking, she finally gets into an outpatient program and begins to lead a sober life, and she credits Don for "saving my life" (see my article: How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin).

As he continues to explore these issues in therapy, Don realizes that he has a strong desire to "save" Mary too.  Logically, he knows that Mary doesn't want to stop drinking and he can't "save" her.  But his wish, which had been unconscious before it came to light in therapy, is so strong that he finds it very difficult to let go of the relationship.  It's only after he finds himself thinking that maybe he could have one or two drinks and he remembers that, in the past, this resulted in a major relapse, that he develops the motivation to end the relationship.

Underlying Issues in Both Scenarios
In both of these scenarios that are powerful unconscious wishes that create ambivalence and result in mixed messages.

In Scenario 1, Kim feels very attracted to Bill and if she wasn't already in a committed relationship, she would date him.  Even though she wants to remain faithful to her boyfriend, she deludes herself into thinking that she has to see Bill again to make sure she hasn't hurt his feelings by rejecting him.  Then, even after he tells her that he isn't hurt, she deludes herself further and rationalizes that she can spend time regularly with Bill but not call it dating.  This combination of factors results in mixed messages to Bill, who thinks that he has a chance and decides to take it.  Not seeing how she gave mixed messages, Kim becomes insulted and angry with Bill when he suggests that they spend a weekend together.  But after she and her therapist discuss it, she recognizes that she was acting on her own unconscious ambivalence and realizes that she has to take responsibility.

In Scenario 2, Don has already invested 10 years in his recovery, which is important to him.  After he begins to see Mary, who has a serious drinking problem, he recognizes, logically, that this is an unhealthy relationship for him and he is jeopardizing his recovery.  Even though he expresses this to Mary, he feels so drawn to her that he continues to see her.  A year into the relationship, he is continuing to tell Mary that her alcoholic and addictive behavior isn't healthy for him to be around, but his words and behavior don't match because he continues to see her.  After he discusses this with his therapist, he realizes that he is reenacting his "hero" role from his family of origin and Mary reminds him of his mother.  Since Don and his mother both think that his mother eventually stopped drinking because Don "saved" her, on an unconscious level, Don also thinks that he can save Mary too.  Logically, he knows that Mary doesn't want to stop drinking and he really can't "save" her, but his need to do so is keeping him in this codependent relationship.  It's only when he realizes how close he is too relapsing, as a result of being around Mary, that he finds the motivation to end the relationship.

In both scenarios there are powerful unconscious issues that both individuals are unaware of at first.  These unconscious issues are powerful drivers in both situations.

If Kim and Don were to continue in their respective therapies, their therapists would likely help them to work on these underlying issues.  Otherwise, both Don and Kim would probably continue to find themselves in similar situations with other people.

In my experience as a psychotherapist, experiential therapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis are ideal forms of therapy that help clients to overcome these unconscious issues.

It's not enough to just understand the unconscious issues on an intellectual basis.  There needs to be a transformative experience that leads to a breakthrough (see my article: Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Getting Help in Therapy
Unconscious ambivalence and the resultant mixed messages are common.

If you find yourself in situations where you're expressing your ambivalence by giving mixed messages, which creates confusion, you could benefit from working with a skilled mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these issues.

By getting help and working through the underlying unconscious issues, you could lead a more fulfilling and authentic life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the underlying issues that creates ambivalence and mixed messages.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

You Feel Mistreated, But You're Not Communicating How You Feel

Over the years, as a psychotherapist in New York City, I've seen many clients in my psychotherapy private practice who come to me to talk about how they feel mistreated by others, including spouses, children, other family members, bosses or coworkers:

"My husband takes for granted that I'll do everything in the house."

"My children don't listen to me and do whatever they want."

"My wife ran up my credit card again and now I'll have to pay it because she doesn't work."

"My boss expects me to work overtime everyday, even though he knows I have a family."

As I listen to clients talk about how they feel mistreated, I also listen to how they handle these situations and what unintentional mixed messages they might be giving to the people they feel are mistreating them.

You Feel Mistreated, But You're Not Communicating How You Feel

Ideally, in a perfect world, everyone would follow the Golden Rule and we would all treat each other the way that we want to be treated. 

But we live in an imperfect world and, at some point, someone is going to hurt your feelings, cross a personal boundary or do something that you don't like. Does that make it right? No. But when we're talking about a dynamic between two or more people, we need to look at our own behavior in these situations and how our behavior is affecting the situation:

• Are we setting appropriate boundaries with others?
• If someone has done something that we don't like, do we let him or her know in a tactful way?
• Are we able to assert ourselves appropriately in these situations?
• Are we telling them one thing, but secretly hoping that they will know how we really feel without our telling them?

If we're not communicating how we feel, we might be giving the other person the unintentional mixed message that it's okay to mistreat us.

The following vignette is a composite scenario of various cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jessica:
When Jessica began coming to psychotherapy sessions, she said she felt mistreated by her husband, her children and her boss. When she was growing up, she also felt taken advantage of by her parents.

She often felt sad and exhausted by the demands she felt others were placing on her. She talked about how her husband expected her to watch the children every Sunday while he went off to play golf with his friends. She also said that her teenage children didn't listen to her when she told them to clean their rooms. In addition, she felt that her boss loaded her down with his work, on top of her own work, and she often had to work long, tiring hours. She felt that no matter how hard and long she worked, the work was never done.

When we explored Jessica's family history, she told me that her parents expected her, as a child of nine or 10, to take care of the younger children while they went out to have fun. This happened a lot. She said she never felt that she was allowed to be a child herself because she had to help her parents take care of her six younger siblings and the work seemed never ending.

When we looked at the various situations where, as an adult, Jessica felt taken advantage of, it was interesting to explore how Jessica handled them. It turned out, much to Jessica's surprise, without realizing it, she was actually encouraging the very situations that she said she didn't want.

For instance, when we explored the dynamic between Jessica and her husband, she actually encouraged him to go play golf every Sunday and offered to take care of the children. But she secretly hoped that he would figure out on his own, without her telling him, that she really wanted a break most Sundays and would have preferred that he stayed home to help her. Not only was she not telling him how she really felt--she was telling him to go and not to worry about her.

As we looked at this situation, it was very surprising to Jessica. She realized that she was repeating an old pattern that began with her parents. That small child in her internal emotional world that felt taken advantage of by her parents was recreating the old scenario with her husband, but hoping for a different outcome this time. That part of her that was the small child secretly hoped that, without being told, her husband would see how she really felt. All of this was totally unconscious on Jessica's part.

Once Jessica realized what she was doing with her husband, she also realized that she was doing the same thing with her children and her boss. She realized that she asked her teens to clean their rooms, but she also gave them mixed messages by going ahead and doing it herself--and then feeling resentful about it. She wanted them to see how tired she was, without her telling them, so that they'd clean their rooms themselves. What she said and what she did were two very different things, and this created mixed messages.

At work, Jessica continually asked to help her boss. She never told him that she felt exhausted by her own workload--let alone taking on his work. But when she asked him for his work and he gave it to her, she felt resentful that he didn't see how tired she was. Once again, the small child in her internal world who felt mistreated as a child was hoping to be discovered and seen in a way that Jessica was not seen when she was younger.

It took a lot of hard work and practice but, over time, Jessica learned to assert herself in these situations. It was difficult for her at first, and sometimes she continued to give mixed messages. But as she worked in her psychotherapy sessions on her family of origin issues and we dealt with her inner child, who really was not seen when Jessica was younger, Jessica learned to say what she felt as an adult. And she learned to do it in a tactful way. She no longer kept her real feelings to herself hoping that others would see, without being told, what she really felt.

This was all new for Jessica. It was also new for her family and her boss, so they had to adjust to this new way of interacting with Jessica. But, overall, it worked out well.

It's important to remember that interpersonal dynamics involve two or more people. While the other people in the situation might not be emotionally attuned to how you feel, you might also be giving mixed messages without realizing it. Often, these mixed messages have to do with earlier unresolved issues from childhood that are operating in the situation without your awareness.

So, if you're feeling mistreated in a situation, before you blame the other person for it completely, it's worthwhile to look at what mixed messages you might be giving to the other person. And ask yourself if there might be a part of you, perhaps a younger inner child, who is secretly hoping to be discovered, seen and heard without your letting the other person know how you really feel. This doesn't take the other person off the hook for his or her behavior, but we can't control other people's behavior. We can only control our own.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you continually find yourself in situations where you feel mistreated or taken advantage of, it might be worthwhile for you to explore these issues in psychotherapy with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.