Toxic Family Secrets

Did you grow up in a home where there were toxic family secrets?

Toxic Family Secrets

Here are a few examples of typical secrets in a dysfunctional family:

Susan's family's toxic secret
It's morning and dad is passed out in bed again from his prior night of binge drinking. Susan, who is nine, overhears her mother calling dad's boss to say that dad is sick and won't be going to work. Even though the mom knows that Susan has seen dad drunk many times, she tells Susan that dad has "the flu" and tells her not to talk to anyone about what she saw the night before. In doing this, she gives Susan a mixed message about what they both know to be true. Susan grows up resenting her mother and father and feeling that she can't trust men and she never wants to get married.

George's family's toxic family secret
George is 15 years old. His father just died. At his father's funeral, to his shock and amazement, he overhears people whispering that the man that he knew and loved was not really his biological father. When he confronts his mother about this a few weeks later, she turns away from him, refusing to talk about it, and only says, "Your real father was no good." George feels overwhelmed, angry and betrayed. He has so many questions, but no one to talk to about it. He doesn't want to upset his mother, so he never brings it up again, but he grows up feeling lost and confused and he has difficulty trusting in his intimate relationships.

Mary grows up feeling ashamed of toxic family secret
Mary is 10 years old. Every night her mother's boyfriend comes into her room and touches her in ways that make her feel uncomfortable. When Mary finally summons up enough courage to tell her mother, her mother gets angry with her and accuses Mary of making up lies. She tells Mary that if she ever mentions this to anyone else, she'll send her away. But later that night, Mary hears her mother and the boyfriend arguing about his going into Mary's room. The next day Mary's mother and the boyfriend act as if nothing has changed and go on with their daily routine. The nightly visits stop, and the subject is never brought up again, leaving Mary deeply confused: Did her mother believe her or not? She grows up feeling ashamed-- she must have done something wrong to cause the mother's boyfriend to behave in this way and for her mother to get angry with her. She also learns not to trust her own feelings. Whenever her romantic relationships start to become serious, she shuts down emotionally and her boyfriends leave her.

John's family's toxic secret about father's gambling
John is 13. He knows that his father earns a good living and should be able to support the family. And yet, there is constant tension and anxiety in the house because his parents are continually struggling to pay the bills. They're unable to give him money for class trips or his football uniform. One day he sees his father going over a horse racing form which he quickly puts away when John walks into the room. Later on, John asks his mother if dad has a gambling problem, and she changes the subject, telling him to go clean his room. John feels hurt and confused. He grows up with anxiety about money and wonders if he'll be able to take care of himself when he grows up.

The Consequences of Toxic Family Secrets:
From these few examples, you begin to see how damaging family secrets can be. Maybe you've identified with one or two of them or they might have brought to mind secrets that your family kept and might still be keeping.

These kinds of family secrets are emotionally toxic. The consequences far exceed what the parents ever could have imagined: hurt, mistrust, shame, guilt, self doubt, anger, resentment, and sometimes an inability to enter into or maintain intimate relationships. Sometimes, people who grew up with toxic family secrets don't realize how they've been affected by them. They might perpetuate these dynamics when they get married with their own children because this way of relating is familiar to them. Toxic family secrets have been known to be a contributing factor to alcohol and drug abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, codependence, and other problems.

What to Do?
Ask yourself if you grew up with toxic family secrets and, if so, ask yourself how it is affecting you and your current relationships. 

If you sense that family secrets are adversely affecting you now--maybe they're getting in the way of your having or maintaining relationships or you feel you can't trust your own feelings because you don't always know what they are (from years of doubting what you know versus what you were told by your family), it's time to see a mental health professional so that you can learn to overcome the consequences of family secrets and have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of toxic family secrets.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Shame

Overcoming Perfectionism

Are you a perfectionist?
Do you feel that your efforts are meaningless unless you give 110% every single time because "good enough" is not good enough for you?

Are your projects late because you keep going over them again and again to try to achieve "perfection"?

Do you feel like you've failed when others think that what you've done is "very good" and not "excellent" or "the best"?

If you find yourself struggling with some or all of these issues, chances are you're a perfectionist and, if so, you may be very hard on yourself as well as those around you.

What are the Consequences of Being a Perfectionist?
Perfectionists often look outside of themselves for approval. Their self esteem, which is usually low, is dependent upon others telling them that they've done an excellent job.

Overcoming Perfectionism

Often, although they get momentary pleasure from hearing others say that they've done an "excellent" job, perfectionists tell themselves, "Well, of course it's great. That's what's expected of me."

Perfectionism causes a lot of anxiety because being perfect all of the time is impossible. Sooner or later, a perfectionist's achievements will fall short of "perfect" and then they feel deeply disappointed and guilty.

It's quite a burden to be a perfectionist. Perfectionists are often their own worst taskmasters, working themselves day and night to try to always be "perfect." And, contrary to what you might think, success often eludes them because they keep reworking projects or ideas well past their deadlines in their attempts to make them "perfect. "

Perfectionists often have difficulty in relationships because they expect others to be perfect too. Their "all of nothing" thinking ("it's either perfect or it's not good at all") gets them into trouble. Their partners feel exasperated, their children feel anxious, and their bosses feel frustrated with their relentless perfectionism.

What Can You Do If You're a Perfectionist?
The first step is to admit that you have a problem.

Think about your life and the consequences of your perfectionism. If you're not happy and the people around you are unhappy because of your need for perfection, it's time to change the way you think, feel and behave.

It's important to realize that people who are close to you and who love you don't value you because of what you do or how you do it. They care about you because you're you--someone who is an imperfect being, just like everyone else. They will probably appreciate your letting go of your perfectionistic standards so that you and they can relax.

Learn to discriminate and prioritize in the different areas of your life. Remember, if you try to do your absolute best on everything that you do, you'll probably not do well on most things because there just isn't enough time and energy.

Once you have prioritized, practice aiming for 80% or 90% instead of 100% in areas that are less important. If you're not sure what 80% or 90% looks like because you always strive for 100%, ask a trusted friend, family member or colleague to help you gain some perspective. You'll be surprised at how many more things you'll accomplish because you won't be procrastinating and reworking things to be "perfect."

Learn to manage your anxiety. Ask yourself, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" and "Objectively, how likely is it that the worst thing will happen?" "What's a realistic outcome?"

Remember that many things that were seen as "a mistake" at first turned out to be great successes: The 3M inventor of "Post Its" was originally trying to make an adhesive. Imagine if he and his company had not seen the value of what he had made. We wouldn't have "Post Its" today and 3M would not have made lots of money.

The famous Irish writer, James Joyce, said,"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find that you are unable to break away from your perfectionistic tendencies, you would probably benefit from seeing a mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship

Being able to set healthy boundaries is an important part of being in a relationship.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Setting healthy boundaries means that you're able to set limits with your partner about how close or distant you are with each other in terms of the physical, emotional, financial and, possibly, spiritual aspects of your lives together. An example of this would be that you both understand that it is unacceptable for you or partner to hit or cheat on each other (see my prior post about infidelity). Another example is that you won't tolerate cursing or belittling comments.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship

Another example might be that when you come home from work, you might need 15 minutes to yourself to calm down from the day before you hear about everyday, non-emergency problems with your children. It could also mean that you want to keep whatever money you had before you entered into the relationship separate from any combined income that you and your partner set up when you entered into a committed relationship (see my prior posts regarding talking about money with your partner). Or, that you want your partner to respect your privacy with regard to your personal journal. There are so many other examples. The emphasis is on healthy boundaries (neither too rigid nor too loose) and that these are aspects of your relationship that are important to discuss early on and to maintain.

Why do some people have a hard time maintaining healthy boundaries?
There can be so many reasons. Often, the issue for the person who has problems setting healthy boundaries is that he or she has low self esteem (see my prior posts on low self esteem). When you have low self esteem, you might not feel that you deserve to set boundaries with your partner (or with anyone else).

You might fear that if you set boundaries with your partner, he or she might leave the relationship. But it's important, for your own self respect as well as the respect that you deserve from your partner, that you be able to say what you do and don't want. This assumes, of course, that you know what you want. For some people whose personal boundaries were violated at an early age, it's hard for them to know what they want at any given time. Sometimes, they set boundaries that keep them too distant from their partners and other times they allow their partners to encroach upon them too much because they were never allowed to set boundaries when they were younger so they don't know how to set healthy boundaries.

This is a more complicated problem and usually needs the help of a mental health professional. Another reason might be cultural differences between you and your partner. Maybe one of you is from a culture where personal boundaries in a relationship are not as important. If this is the case, it will take time and effort to negotiate with your partner what the personal boundaries will be in your relationship. For other people, the challenge might be that they are "people pleasers" and they have a hard time saying "no" to just about any request. This is also related to low self esteem. Another possibility is that one or both people in the relationship might be codependent with each other (more on this in future posts). And, there can be so many other reasons why someone would find it difficult to set healthy personal boundaries.

What Do You Do If Your Partner Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries?
Well, this depends on what we're talking about. It's never acceptable for your partner to hit you, take your money without permission, try to control what you wear, verbally abuse you, keep you from having friends or seeing your family or to threaten you. These are all forms of abuse. If any of these things are going on in your relationship, you and your partner need immediate help. You can call your local chapter of Safe Horizons or speak to a mental health professional.

You might also need to protect yourself by going to stay with a trusted friend or family member if your partner is physically abusive. You deserve to be safe. But assuming that we're talking about other less serious boundary infractions (like not allowing you a few minutes to relax when you come home before talking about daily problems, for instance), you might need to remind your partner. Negotiating and making changes in a relationship can be challenging and a gentle reminder from time to time might be necessary if your partner forgets or if you forget what you have agreed to regarding personal boundaries.

As we can see, this is a big topic and can be challenging for you and your partner. It might also be challenging for you in your other relationships with your family, your partner's family, your friendships and your work relationships.

Feeling entitled to set healthy boundaries and setting them with others is important to your self respect and to how much others will respect you.

Since this is such a big topic, I'll be writing more about this in future posts.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to set up a consultation.

Relationships: Is Your Spouse Depressed?

Just like diabetes or high blood pressure, depression is a serious problem and requires professional help. When a person is depressed, it's not just a matter of dealing with "the blues." A person who is depressed cannot "just snap out of it."

Is Your Spouse Depressed?

What is Depression?
Depression causes biochemical changes in the body and the brain so that it affects the depressed person both physically, emotionally, and psychologically. It can affect a depressed person's appetite, sleep pattern, and energy level.

Depression can cause physical aches and pains. It can also cause a person to lose interest in things that he or she used to enjoy doing. Depressed people often lose interest in sex and might seem apathetic toward your relationship.

They might become forgetful or have problems concentrating. Sometimes, a depressed person isolates from others. A sad mood and crying are common.

The person might become irritable, anxious, and easily annoyed. Depending on the level of depression, accomplishing every day daily activities of living--like getting out of bed, bathing, getting dressed, going to work, helping with the housework, and relating to others-- might be very difficult for the depressed person.

Depression is often progressive so that, without professional, help, it can start out being a minor depression and progress to major depression. Major depression can also lead to suicide.

How Common is Depression?
At any given time, millions of people in the US suffer with either minor or major depression. Often, depression goes undiagnosed because the depressed person and their loved ones don't know the signs and symptoms of depression. The spouse of a depressed person might label the depressed person as "l
"lazy" or "uncaring." This makes the depressed spouse feel worse and can worsen the depression.

Getting Help
If you recognize the signs or symptoms of depression in your spouse:

Gently and tactfully express your concern and offer to make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional.

Assure your spouse that depression is a common problem that affects millions of people and it's not his or her fault.
If your spouse is too depressed to take the initiative, make the appointment yourself and go with your spouse to the evaluation.

Before you go to the appointment, make notes of your observations of your spouse's depression so that you can discuss these observations with the psychotherapist. For many people, depression is overcome with psychotherapy or with a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

However, you should be aware that even after a particular episode of depression is over, another episode can and often does develop. So, you and your spouse should be alert to the signs and symptoms so you can recognize a relapse.

While you're helping your depressed spouse, it's important that you also take care of yourself. Coping with a depressed spouse can be very stressful and lonely. Being around someone who is depressed can also make you feel depressed or anxious. So, it's important that you continue to engage in activities that you enjoy and stay connected to your support system.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many therapy clients to overcome depression.

To find out more about me, visit my web site Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

Call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to set up a consultation.

Are You in a Relationship Rut?

Over time, you and your spouse can get int a relationship rut so easily: You both have very busy jobs. Maybe you're working a lot of extra hours. 

Are You in a Relationship Rut?

Then, you get home and you spend time with your children. Or maybe you're taking care of an elderly parent. You have so many responsibilities that, after a while, you and your partner have less and less time for yourselves. Soon, your communication becomes limited to work and household responsibilities. You're both exhausted and sex has gone out the window. 

Then, one day you wake up and look across from you and wonder: Who is this person?

Sound familiar? It's happening more and more as the demands of everyday life are increasing on almost everyone. Add to this that we're now all more accessible to everyone, including our bosses, via our cell phones and computers, and expected to respond immediately and you can see how our relationships begin to take a back seat to just about everything else.

If you and your partner have gotten into a rut and want to revitalize your relationship, start by making the time to sit down and have a talk about it. Talk about the kinds of things that you both used to enjoy together before your lives got so busy.

If it's not possible to do these things any more because of practical considerations, consider creating special times when the two of you can regain a sense of intimacy in your relationship again. It doesn't have to be complicated or expensive.

For instance, maybe you'll set aside time each week for a date night or a special Sunday brunch at home only for the two of you.

Maybe you'll bring a new sense of sensuality to your relationship by giving each other massages. Whatever you do, start taking steps to renew your relationship in ways that are meaningful to both of you.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've tried to revitalize your relationship and nothing seems to work, you could benefit from attending couples counseling.  A skilled couples therapist can help you to enliven your relationship again so that you can get out of your rut.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.   I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

Feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to set up a consultation.

Relationships: Are You Having An Emotional Affair?

How It Starts:
It can start out innocently enough: You begin meeting your coworker for coffee and become increasingly engrossed in conversations. After a while, you find that you don't want others to join you because you want to spend this time only with this person. You begin to share your feelings with this person in ways that you don't with your partner. You feel a lift after your conversations and look forward to the next time. Maybe a flirtation has begun. You feel that your coworker understands you in ways that your partner does not. Soon, you're emailing and texting each other and you're not telling your partner about it because you tell yourself that he or she wouldn't understand. You tell yourself that you're not hurting anyone by keeping this a secret. Or are you?

Are You Having an Emotional Affair?

Where It Can Go:
If any of this sounds familiar to you, chances are you're having an emotional affair. Emotional affairs are not as obvious as sexual affairs, but they are a form of infidelity. People who engage in emotional affairs will often rationalize that they're not doing anything wrong because nothing sexual is taking place. But what they don't see is that these emotional affairs take away from your relationship with your partner because you're getting your primary needs met by someone else.

Very often, emotional affairs can lead to sexual affairs. Over time, you keep telling yourself that you're not doing anything wrong and you keep pushing the boundaries of the emotional affair so that coffee breaks lead to lunches which lead to intimate dinners and drinks which can lead to sexual involvement as you rationalize your way from one step to the next.

Why Emotional Affairs Are So Compelling:
Emotional affairs can be so seductive. They feel good because someone new is paying attention to you and finding what you have to say interesting. This, in turn, can be such an ego boost. You feel more attractive, younger and more alive than you've felt in a long time. This is all heady stuff and hard to give up.

If you love your partner and don't want to ruin your relationship, you need to give up the emotional affair and figure out what's missing in your relationship. Talk to your partner. Maybe the two of you have gotten into a rut. Maybe you're both so busy with the children or other family obligations that you've stopped taking time for yourselves and there's less intimacy in your life. Maybe your sex life together has gotten stale (or, possibly nonexistent). Try to find new ways to reconnect emotionally and physically.

Sometimes, old resentments that have festered can get in the way of reconnecting in a meaningful way. If you're both really stuck and don't know what to do to save your relationship, it might be time to consider marriage counseling.

A professional marriage counselor can help you to revitalize and renew your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up ac consultation, call me at (917)) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Destructive Power Struggles in Your Relationship

It's not unusual to engage in occasional power struggles when you're in a relationship. Occasional power struggles seem to be an inevitable part of being in an intimate relationship. The problem occurs when the power struggles are ongoing and they begin to put the relationship at risk.

Overcoming Destructive Power Struggles

What are power struggles in a relationship?
On the most basic level, power struggles in a relationship are about trying to get our way. On a deeper level, usually just below our consciousness, power struggles are about much more, as I will explain later in this post.

Power struggles in relationships often begin just after that initial "heady" in love feeling begins to wear off and our feelings mature into a more enduring kind of love (see my article: Understanding the "Honeymoon" Phase in Your Relationship).

This is usually when our most basic, normal dependency needs (our need to feel loved and cared about) really come to the surface. It's also when we begin to realize that our partner has the ability to either meet our needs--or not. It's around that time that we think, "Wait a minute...I could really get hurt in this relationship." 

If we're able to accept that we all have these emotional needs, that they are normal, and we trust our partners, we're more likely to be able to express our needs to our partner in a way that is positive and constructive. However, if we feel too vulnerable or ashamed of these basic needs, we might react in anger and get into a power struggle with our partner to try to get what we want.

When core emotional issues get triggered in a relationship:
Why anger? For most people, feeling angry allows them to feel "stronger" than allowing themselves to feel and express their vulnerability. 

Getting angry is often a way to push down and cover up those basic emotional needs when it feels too scary to feel and express them. Maybe we grew up in a household where our needs were not recognized or met. Maybe we were made to feel that these are shameful feelings. Maybe we were raised to think that we "should be more independent" and not rely on others.

There can be so many early core issues that get triggered in our relationship. This is why ongoing problems with power struggles in a relationship are usually complicated and can become so difficult to resolve. On one level, we're dealing with the current situation with our partner, but on a deeper level we're also dealing with our own emotional history, and it's all happening at the same time.

Trying to separate out the current problems from the earlier core issues can be very complicated. If you're able to cool down and step back after a heated power struggle with your partner, you're often able to see that you overreacted to a situation. It takes a certain amount of self awareness, insight, the ability to feel compassion for yourself and your partner, and a feeling of basic safety in your relationship to be able to do this.

If you realize that you overreacted with your partner and got into a power struggle, that's often a clue that there's something more going on beyond the current situation. Often, it means that certain earlier core issues are being stirred up. 

Realizing this is one thing, but knowing what these issues are can be harder to see unless you've already done a fair amount of work on your personal core issues. Even then, with everything getting stirred up at once, it can be hard to see and even harder to resolve on your own. Add to this that your partner has his or her own core emotional issues that might be getting stirred up and you can see how difficult this can be to overcome.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner get into ongoing power struggles that are putting your relationship at risk, you might benefit from couples counseling where a couples counselor can help you to overcome these issues so you can feel better about yourself and have a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.