Grief: Coping with the Loss of a Loved One

As we explored in the prior article, Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions, everyone is different when it comes to dealing with grief. What is right for one person is not right for another person. The following are some suggestions for how you can take care of yourself. Use your judgement in terms of what's right for you, and know that there are many other healthy ways to comfort yourself.

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: How to Take Care of Yourself

Emotional support:
For most people, it's important to have the emotional support of people who are close to them. Don't isolate. Sometimes, people don't know how to express their condolences to you because they feel that whatever they might say would not be adequate compared to the depth of your feelings, but usually their intentions are heartfelt.

It can be very comforting to talk to people who knew your loved one. Hearing their experiences and their memories can help to ease your pain. That's why memorial services are so helpful to families and friends. Remembering your loved one can help you to feel how much a part of you he will always be.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings:
Trying to avoid your feelings will only make them feel worse and prolong the pain. When you try to stuff your feelings, you can only do it temporarily.

Sooner or later, your feelings will come to the surface again and, if you avoid them, you might find yourself dealing with them in ways that are unhealthy (drinking, using drugs, overeating, overspending, developing health problems, etc). It's not unusual for the most recent loss of a loved one to bring up other losses.

Take the time when you're in a place where you feel safe and comfortable to allow yourself to cry, wail, or punch pillows, if that's what you want to do. You're not going crazy. These are normal feelings.

And don't allow well-meaning people to tell you things like, "You just have to move on with your life" while you're in the initial stage of grief or "Be strong" or any of the other inappropriate things that people say. If you find that some people are insensitive, don't share your feelings with them. Share your feeling only with people who are supportive of you. And be patient with yourself.

Seek professional help:
If you feel that your sadness is developing into depression, seek professional help. You might only need brief treatment to help you feel better.

About Me: 
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation,  call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One

Anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows the intense pain of this loss. The closer the loved one was to you, the worse the pain. At times, the pain can be so strong that it feels like it will never go away. But rest assured, the intensity of the pain usually subsides after you have gone through a natural period of grief.

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions

Common reactions to the death of a loved one:
Everyone grieves in his or her own way. There is no right way to grieve and no specific amount of time that it should take.

The important thing is not to judge yourself or anyone else about this. When grief is profound, the feelings can be so strong that you might feel like you're losing your mind. Even though we know, at least on an intellectual level, that death is part of life, most of us are not prepared for the depth of feelings. So, it's important to know that you're not losing your mind and there are some common reactions during the early stages of grief:

Disbelief:
Losing someone you love can be hard to believe. You might feel like you're dreaming and the death is not real. You might feel emotionally numb at first. On some level, you might even believe that your loved one is just in the other room or about to come home or about to call. It's not unusual to "forget" and pick up the phone to call her, especially if this was part of your daily routine, only to be reminded each time, as if anew, that she is no longer alive.

Another common reaction is to have dreams about your loved one that are so real that you might believe that you actually saw him. One common dream is to see your loved one and hear him say that he's not really dead at all, that it was a terrible mistake. This can be very confusing when you wake up, especially because of the powerful nature of this type of dream. You might also think that you "see" him walking down the street, only to find as you get closer that this person looks nothing like him. This can be very disturbing and sad. It's usually a projection from your mind--a wish to see the person again, which is completely understandable.

Sadness:
Losing someone that you love can make you feel extremely sad. The sadness can feel endless at the time. You might find yourself consumed with this sadness. It's not unusual to cry a lot, especially at first.

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions

Guilt:
Another common reaction is to feel that you could've done something more to prevent her death or you wish you had said something (or not said something) before she passed. You might have the feeling of "If only I had..." (fill in the blank). Not only is this guilt, but it is an attempt to feel that you could've had more control over the situation than you probably had. It's a stage that people often go through before they have accepted, on a deep emotional level, that their loved one is really gone.

Anger:
It's not unusual to feel angry when you lose someone close to you. Even when you know on some level that no one is really to blame for your loved one's death, you might feel angry with your siblings, the doctors, yourself, even God.

Anxiety:
You might think, "What will it be like without him?" or "How will I go on day after day?" You might feel more vulnerable yourself or for the rest of your family. A close loss often turns our world upside down. You might feel, "If this could happen, what else might happen?" These are frightening thoughts.

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions

Bodily discomfort:
Intense grief can bring about bodily discomfort: aches and pains, changes in sleep or appetite (either increase or decrease), upset stomach, exhaustion, and other physical symptoms.

Grief can come in "waves." It's not unusual to feel a roller coast of moods. Maybe you're very sad one moment, feel somewhat relieved the next moment, only to feel sad again. This is all normal.

About Me:
I'm a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: How to Take Care of Yourself
Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Complicated Grief

Coping with Hard Times

We all go through hard times at some point in our lives. Whether we're dealing with a job loss, money problems, the breakup of a relationship, the death of a loved one, betrayal from someone we trusted, the debilitating effects of depression and anxiety, health concerns, the loss of a pet or one of life's other major disappointments, no one is immune from difficult times.

Coping With Hard Times

The question is not whether or not we'll experience disappointments. The real question is how we cope with the loss so that, eventually, we can move on to the next phase of our lives.

Many people are experiencing hard times.

Often, one problem can make another problem worse. If a person loses her job, this loss often places an emotional strain on her relationships with her spouse and family.

For the employee who is still on the job but now, due to staff cutbacks, must work longer hours, this can also place a strain on his marriage and his relationships with his children.

During hard times, it's essential to stay connected to your support system, supportive family and friends, your career network and also your psychotherapist.

This is not the time to isolate.

It's also not the time to leave your therapy.

Possibly, due to financial concerns, it might seem like a good idea at first to leave therapy, but the financial savings you might gain can be easily wiped out if emotional problems take their toll on your physical health.

We know, due to the mind-body connection, that there is a connection between our emotional well-being and our physical health.

In the next series of articles, I'll be exploring these issues in more detail.

About Me
To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To set up a consultation,  call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Benefits of Meditation

I usually recommend meditation to my psychotherapy clients. If they don't already have a regular meditation practice, I go over basic meditation techniques and suggest that they start by meditating for 10-15 mins. each day and then, if they wish, they can expand the practice over time.

The Benefits of Meditation

There Are Many Ways to Meditate

For the most basic form of meditation, you can begin by closing your eyes and focusing on your breath (always practice when you are in a quiet, safe place and never when you are driving or engaging in activities where you need to be alert). Just notice the quality of the air as you breathe in and out through your nose. Take a few relaxing breaths.

Breathing
Most of us breathe in a way that is too shallow so, when you breathe in, take the time to feel your stomach muscles expand. When you breathe, out feel all the air leaving your body. You can put your hand over your stomach to help you become aware of breathing in more deeply and out completely.

Then, turn your attention inward and notice where you are holding onto any tension in your body. Then, picture yourself sending your breath to that area and feeling the tension melting away.

After a few minutes, most likely, you' ll feel more relaxed. If not, don't worry. Usually, with practice, you'll improve your meditative skill. When you open your eyes, you can wiggle your fingers and toes and focus on your surroundings so that you feel like you are alert and fully present in your environment.

People often ask me questions about when is the best time to meditate. I think the best time is when it is right for you, a time when you're in a place where you have privacy and there's less of a chance of having distractions. 

 Ideally, either the beginning or end of your day is a good time to meditate. When you start your day by meditating, it usually sets a positive tone for the rest of day. 

 Meditating at the end of the day can be very relaxing. If you meditate at night, I recommend that you don't do it while in bed because if you do, your mind will associate meditation with sleep, and that's not what it's about (although, meditating at night can help you sleep).

When you begin meditation, don't worry if you feel distracted or your internal "chatter" gets in the way. Usually, with practice, you're able to meditate with more ease and learn how to let go of these internal distractions.

I'll explore meditation practice more in future posts.

In the meantime, enjoy your meditation practice.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Safe Place Meditation

Overcoming Low Self Esteem: Watch Out For Negative Self Talk

When people have low self esteem, negative thoughts about themselves often come so much easier than positive thoughts. In part, that's because it has become a habit. Like any habit, it might take a while to overcome.

Overcoming Low Esteem: Watch Out For Negative Self Talk

Why do people with low self esteem engage in negative self talk?
There are so many reasons. Often, they have internalized what was told to them when they were growing up ("You'll never amount to anything" or "You're just as useless as your father" or "You're so stupid" or "Children should be seen and not heard").

After a while, no one has to say these things any more because people who have developed low self esteem begin to say it to themselves and, worse still, they believe it.

What to do to stop the negative self talk:
The first thing to do is to become aware that you're doing it.

That can be a challenge because it's so automatic. The other thing is that if you really believe these negative things about yourself, you can convince yourself that it's not negative self talk--it's the way it really is ("It's not a negative thought--I really am useless").

Overcoming Low Self Esteem:  Watch Out For Negative Self Talk

Learn to Observe Your Thoughts to Identify Distorted Thinking
Learn to observe your own thoughts and identify distorted thinking.

If you have difficulty doing this, ask a supportive friend to help you by pointing out (gently and tactfully) when they hear you engaging in self criticism. Someone else might see it more easily than you do at first.

The next thing you can do is to make an effort to change these negative thought patterns by stepping back, challenging yourself and developing some perspective.

Ask Yourself:

Do I really believe this about myself?

Is there even a small part of me that has a more positive view sometimes?

What might a more objective person say about it? If an objective person has a more positive view, can I practice trying to look at it from this person's view?

Could there be some other reason why things might not have worked out for me in a particular area (rather than thinking of yourself as lazy or stupid)?

What would I say to a close friend or loved one if they told me that they usually have negative thoughts about themselves? (Chances are, you would be kinder to your friend than you are to yourself.)

Getting Help in Therapy
If low self esteem is still getting you down, you might want to seek professional help. In particular, clinical hypnosis and psychotherapy can be very effective to overcome low self esteem.

You Can Overcome Low Esteem

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, please see my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improve Your Self Esteem: Take Steps to Increase Your Sense of Self Worth

In previous articles, What is Low Self Esteem? and What Are the Effects of Low Self Esteem?, we have defined low self esteem, we have looked at the affects of low esteem, and we have also begun to explore how you can become more positive about yourself.

Take Step to Increase Your Sense of Self Worth

Continuing along this line, let's look at other steps you can take to increase your sense of self. So, another way to increase your sense of self is to increase your sense of achievement.

As I've said in prior posts, usually when I say this to people with low self esteem, they come up with all the reasons why they can't do it: "I won't be any good at it," "I don't have the time," "What's the use? I'm only going to mess this up too." All the reasons are just too numerous to even list here.

First, let's be clear that I'm not talking about big achievements. I'm talking about every day things. And, don't try to do everything at once or you'll get discouraged and stop.

Think: "This is a process." Start small and work your way up. It can be a project that you want to work on that you can break down into smaller steps, like: cleaning up one shelf in the kitchen (rather than trying to tackle the whole kitchen), working out for 10 minutes (rather than exhausting yourself for an hour), calling one credit card company to talk about repayments (rather than thinking about calling all your creditors at once), and so on.

Each step that you take can help you to feel better about yourself, give you a sense of accomplishment, and encourage you to continue in the process.

About Me
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hour or email me.

What Are the Effects of Low Self Esteem?

In a prior article, I described low self esteem and gave some examples of what people with low self esteem might think and feel about themselves.

What Are the Effects of Low Self Esteem?

What Are the Effects of Low Self Esteem?
People with low self esteem often:

• avoid making friends
• avoid social situations
• perform poorly at work or at school
• be unable to defend themselves from criticism or abuse
• drink excessively or abuse drugs
• overspend

And so on.

Low self esteem can be caused by circumstances related to childhood issues or it can be caused by stressful life circumstances, like losing a job, losing a house, financial problems, abusive relationships, the death of a loved one, and so on.

So, we begin to see that low esteem can be a serious problem. 

In future posts, I'll address what can be done about low self esteem.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel like you are struggling with low self esteem, you might benefit from getting professional help.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.