Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes

In prior articles, I've discussed how people are complex with many different internal aspects, including contradictory and paradoxical aspects (see my articles: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).  

Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes

Why Is It So Hard to Accept Contradictions and Paradoxes?

The idea of contradictory and paradoxical internal aspects is unsettling for many people.   I'm hoping this article, which is the first part of this subject, will help to normalize these concepts.

On the one hand, life might seem easier when everything remains the same.  Similarly, if things are going well from their perspective, people often prefer their loved ones to remain the same.  It makes it easier for them to know what to expect.  

On the other hand, whether we like it or not, people do change.  This includes making positive changes in psychotherapy that can be challenging for their loved ones (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Positive Changes You're Making in Your Life as You Heal From Trauma).

We All Contain a Multiplicity of Selves

We all contain within us a multiplicity of selves. Some of those parts are in sync and others are contradictory.

Audre Lorde, who described herself as black, lesbian, mother, warrior and poet, once said, 

 "Only by learning to live in harmony with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat."

In “Song of Myself," Walt Whitman, essayist, poet and journalist, wrote, “Do I contradict myself?/Very well, then I contradict myself (I am large, I contain multitudes)."

Duality and Contradictions in Mythology

Mythology has many examples of duality and contradictions.

The ancient Greek myth of Demeter and Persephone is one example:  Demeter, who is the goddess of the harvest, provides bountiful crops so that the Greeks had plenty of food to eat.  She is also the goddess who oversees the cycle of life and fertility.  

But when her daughter, Persephone is abducted by the god of the Underworld, Hades, Demeter is so bereft that she becomes the goddess of hunger and starvation as she wanders the Earth searching for Persephone and, in doing so, neglecting the crops.

Eventually, Zeus, who the chief deity of the Greek pantheon and Demeter's father, intervenes. 

He knows people can't make sacrifices to the gods if they don't have food to eat. So, he reaches a compromise with Hades and Demeter so that Persephone spends most of the year on Earth with Demeter and part of the year with Hades.  According to this myth, this is why we have different seasons, including spring and winter.

Similarly, in Hindu mythology, the goddess Kali has the power to destroy and to create.  Even though she appears in many stories about destruction, Kali is also the goddess of creation.  

The myth about Kali recognizes there can be no creation without destruction.  It is a cycle.  Accordingly, she is a powerful goddess, who is believed to have existed before time and who will continue to exist after time ends.

What is the Difference Between a Paradox and a Contradiction?

In contemporary times, aside from the complexities of being human, life is filled with contradictions and paradoxes.  

This can be confusing at times, but understanding and accepting these concepts can also make life richer.

Although people often use these two words interchangeably, they have different meanings.

Most people know the meaning of a contradiction.  A contradiction involves conflicting elements within the same system.  

An example of a contradiction can be seen in a job search process where a person can't get a job without job experience, but they can't get experience without a job.

A paradox is more complex.  It's something that is seemingly contradictory but, upon deeper investigation, you discover the truth in it.  

I gave an example of a paradox in my article Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac where anxiety is usually thought of as inhibiting sexual desire, but for many people, it serves as an aphrodisiac which increases desire.

Other Examples of Paradoxes:

• People need both stability and change to grow.
• A couple often needs some distance in order to feel closer to each other.
• To earn money you need to spend money.
• Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward.
• No decision becomes a decision.

Embracing Contradictions and Paradoxes

In my article, Do You Want to Change? Start By Accepting Yourself as You Are, I introduced a paradox.  

The article goes on to look closer at the concept of self acceptance and what it means in the context of wanting to change.  

Starting with acceptance allows you to acknowledge how you are at that point in time.  It doesn't mean you're complacent or that you've given up on changing.  

When you want to change, starting with acceptance is a part of the process.

If you don't start by accepting yourself as you are, including your contradictions and paradoxes, you're more likely to have a negative attitude about yourself which can sabotage any efforts you make to change.

Getting Help in Therapy

Self compassion and acceptance can be challenging for many people.

If you are struggling with accepting your contradictions, you're not alone.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has the expertise to help clients to achieve self acceptance as part of a larger change process can help you to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to achieve self acceptance while they are on the path of transformation.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trauma and the Fawn Response: A Clinical Vignette

In my prior article, Trauma and the Fawn Response: People Pleasing to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict, I began a discussion about fawning and how it's a response to trauma.  As I mentioned in that article, generally, people are more familiar with the three other trauma responses: fight, flight and freeze, but not as much with the fawn response.

Trauma and the Fawn Response

The current article will expand upon this topic by giving a clinical vignette that illustrates a typical example of the fawn response and how experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, can help a client to overcome this traumatic response.

But first, let's recap by giving examples of the fawning response:

Signs of Fawning Behavior:

The following behaviors are some of the most common signs of fawning behavior:

• Having problems being assertive and saying no
• Being overly compliant on a regular basis to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Having trouble setting boundaries
• Being overly apologetic
• Sacrificing your own needs to prioritize the needs of others
• Denying emotional and/or physical needs on a regular basis
• Compromising your values to align yourself with others
• Feeling guilty when you feel angry towards others because you don't feel entitled to your feelings
• Trying to "fix" or rescue others from their problems
• Attempting to control others or their choices so you can feel emotionally safe
• Gushing with praise or being overly complimentary toward someone--even when it's not how you actually feel--in order to appease someone
• Holding back feelings or opinions on a regular basis in order not to make others feel uncomfortable
• Changing your response or opinions to comply or be in synch with others
• Going out of your way to people-please to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Assuming responsibility for others' discomfort when it's not your fault
• Flying under the radar (making yourself small) to avoid getting attention
• Experiencing chronic pain or illness due to the stress of the trauma response
• Spacing out or dissociating when you feel uncomfortable in a social situation

Clinical Vignette: Fawning as a Trauma Response

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, provides an example of fawning as a trauma response and how EMDR therapy helped:

Jane

After her closest friend, Dee confronted Jane about her fawning behavior, Jane sought help in therapy to work on this issue.

Jane, who was in her early 30s, told her therapist that Dee expressed concern to Jane about Jane's ongoing people pleasing behavior.  Dee said she sensed that Jane tended to have problems being assertive and setting boundaries in her personal life as well at work.  

She also pointed out to Jane that she had a tendency to put the needs of other people before her own which led to Jane sacrificing what she really wanted.  

In addition, Dee told Jane that she was often overly complimentary towards people they both knew and Dee was aware that Jane really didn't feel this way.  Dee indicated that when Jane was gushing in an overly complimentary way, Jane came across as disingenuous, which confused and annoyed people.

Jane told her therapist that it was hurtful to hear Dee say these things, but when she thought about it, she realized Dee was right.  But she didn't know why she responded to people with fawning behavior or how to stop it.

When Jane spoke to her therapist about her family history, she described her father as being overly critical with an explosive temper and her mother as being overly compliant with the father's wishes.  

Her only sibling, who was an older sister, moved out as soon as she turned 18 because she had a conflictual relationship with their father and she was frustrated with her mother's passive, compliant behavior.

Although her father had never become physically violent, Jane was afraid of his explosive temper and, similar to her mother, she learned to go along with whatever her father wanted rather than assert her needs--even when she was old enough to make her own decisions.

Jane also realized that her people pleasing behavior extended to other family members as well as friends, colleagues and romantic partners.

As she continued to discuss this issue in her therapy sessions, Jane realized that, not only was her fawning annoying people, it also had consequences for her because she often felt disconnected from her emotions during those times.

Her therapist provided Jane with psychoeducation as to how fawning was related to unresolved trauma.  

In addition, the more they talked about it, the clearer it became to Jane that her childhood fear of her father's explosive temper was an unresolved trauma for her.

After Jane's therapist provided Jane with information about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy and how it helped clients to overcome trauma, they agreed to use EMDR as the treatment modality (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As Jane processed her traumatic memories about her father's temper and how her fawning behavior developed as a response to that trauma, she felt an emotional and psychological shift occurring within her over time.

The therapeutic work was neither quick nor easy, but Jane gradually felt she was freed from her history of trauma and her defensive need to fawn over others.  This allowed Jane to assert of her own needs and to be more authentic in her relationships.

Conclusion

The fawn response is a common response to trauma.  

Most of the time, fawning, which is used to avoid or diffuse potential confrontations, is an unconscious behavior, and when clients work on this issue in therapy, they become more aware of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

When fawning behavior is the result of trauma, this behavior is often misunderstood by others.  They might sense that something is "off" or disingenuous, but they might not understand why.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, allows clients to work through the underlying issues related to the trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on your self esteem and your relationships.

Seeking help with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome trauma can help free you from your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trauma and the Fawn Response: People Pleasing to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict

Fight, flight and freeze are the trauma responses that are usually discussed in trauma literature.  In addition to these responses, Peter Walker, MA, a family therapist, coined the term "fawning" as another common trauma response to diffuse or avoid conflict (see my article: Unresolved Trauma: Living in the Present as if it Were the Past).

Trauma and the Fawn Response

Understanding Fight, Fight and Freeze as Trauma Responses

Before describing the fawn response, let's review the other three trauma responses: Fight, flight and freeze.

• Fight - Confront the Threat: The fight response involves anger and confrontation. This could be either verbal or physical and involves high energy.

• Flight - Run from the Threat: The flight response involves anxiety, avoidance and fleeing from the threat. It also includes high energy.

• Freeze - Shut Down to Block Out the Threat: The freeze response can include physical and/or emotional numbing and dissociation.  For animals in the wild, it's also called "playing possum" and it's often a powerful survival response to an imminent threat from a predator (the animal appears to be dead, which would make the predator lose interest).  This shut down is a low energy response. For humans it often involves an involuntary response that includes feeling cold or numb, heaviness in the limbs, holding their breath and a sense of dread or foreboding.

Understanding Fawning as a Trauma Response

The fawn response usually develops due unresolved childhood trauma, which is also known as developmental trauma (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

The fawn response involves appeasing, which includes codependency, people-pleasing and lack of boundaries to avoid conflict or threat.  

The person who is fawning prioritizes the other person's needs over their own.  In some cases, the person is unaware of their own needs because they're so accustomed to putting the other people's needs first.

Fawning often develops as a psychological survival strategy for a child who is being abused or neglected. The child learns early on that appeasing the parent(s), even if it means sacrificing their own needs will diminish a threat--whether the threat is emotional or physical.

Signs of Fawning Behavior:

The following behaviors are some of the most common signs of fawning behavior:

• Having problems being assertive and saying "no"
• Being overly compliant on a regular basis to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Having trouble setting boundaries
• Being overly apologetic
• Sacrificing your own needs to prioritize the needs of others
• Denying emotional and/or physical needs on a regular basis
• Compromising your values to align yourself with others
• Feeling guilty when you feel angry towards others because you don't feel entitled to your feelings
• Trying to "fix" or rescue others from their problems
• Attempting to control others or their choices so you can feel emotionally safe
• Gushing with praise or being overly complimentary toward someone--even when it's not how you actually feel--in order to appease someone
• Holding back feelings or opinions on a regular basis in order not to make others feel uncomfortable
• Changing your response or opinions to comply or be in synch with others
• Going out of your way to people-please to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Assuming responsibility for others' discomfort when it's not your fault
• Flying under the radar (making yourself small) to avoid getting attention
• Experiencing chronic pain or illness due to the stress of the trauma response
• Spacing out or dissociating when you feel uncomfortable in a social situation

Since the fawn response to trauma is a big topic, I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response: A Clinical Vignette).

Getting Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma can create anxiety, depression and lack of self confidence as well as other psychological problems.  

It can have a negative impact on your relationships.

Rather than struggling with unresolved trauma on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist? and Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective For Unresolved Trauma Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Freeing yourself from your history of trauma can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many people to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why It's Unethical and Irresponsible For Psychotherapists to Give Clinical Advice in Informal Settings

Most psychotherapists have had the experience of being in an informal setting, like at a party or at the gym, where people ask for clinical advice about a problem they're dealing with at the time.

It's Unethical and Irresponsible to Give Clinical Advice in Informal Settings

In these situations, the person usually provides a snippet of information to the therapist and hopes to get an answer to their problem.  

Most of the time, the people who are seeking clinical advice in this way see it as being innocuous. But there are important ethical and clinical implications involved if a psychotherapist gives advice under these circumstances.

So, for instance, if someone at the gym finds out that another gym member is a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist, he might say something like, "Say, I hear you're a mental health professional.  Can you tell me what I should do about my teenage son who is doing poorly in school?"  

Aside from the fact that the gym member seeking help is giving very little information and the therapist hasn't met the teen who is having the problem, if the therapist gives clinical advice, like, "Your son might be anxious" and the gym member relies on this information, things could go terribly wrong if the teen is actually depressed or misusing alcohol or drugs, and the therapist can be held responsible.

In order for a therapist to diagnose a problem, there needs to be a thorough biopsychosocial assessment and it usually takes at least several sessions to get a complete picture in a clinical setting.

So when someone briefly mentions a problem to a therapist outside of a clinical setting, it's obvious there isn't going to be a thorough assessment and there can be many possibilities as to what the problem might be.  

Here's another example: A gym member approaches another member, who happens to be a psychotherapist, and says they're having headaches. They ask the therapist if the problem might be related to stress.  The appropriate response from the therapist would be to seek help from their medical doctor first to rule out any medical problems.  

An inappropriate response would be, "It sounds like stress to me. Have you tried meditation?"

Imagine if the gym member who has headaches follows this therapist's advice, but later on finds out that the headaches were actually the result of a brain tumor.  It's clear in this case that the therapist was ethically and clinically irresponsible to have made assumptions about the problem and to have given what turned out to be inappropriate advice.

Not only could there be disastrous results for the person with the headaches, but the psychotherapist could be placing their license in jeopardy.

Most lay people understand this, especially if the therapist explains why they can't speculate on the problem or give advice.  But, at times, there are some people who don't understand.  They misunderstand and think the therapist is being evasive or withholding information.  

So, if you ever ask a psychotherapist for informal advice and the therapist's response is for you to seek help from a licensed mental health professional in a clinical setting, the therapist is not trying to get rid of you.  They're being responsible and giving you the best advice under the circumstances, which is to have your problem thoroughly evaluated by a mental health professional who is licensed and who has the skills and expertise relevant to your problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Often, the most challenging part of seeking help in therapy is taking the first step by contacting a licensed psychotherapist.

In New York City there are many ways to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  

If you have health insurance, you can contact your insurance carrier for a list of names of licensed professionals in your area.  

If you don't have health insurance, you can seek help from one of the many postgraduate mental health training institutes in New York City that offer the possibility of low-fee therapy depending upon your income.

There are also psychotherapy directories, like PsychologyToday.com, which have therapists listed by name, licensure, location and expertise.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article: Why Your Psychotherapist Can't Be Your Friend.

How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help

In my prior article, Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are, I began a discussion about changing your negative personal narrative (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change the Way Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

In that article, I gave a brief description of how early experiences can affect your personal narrative and some self help tips on what you can do to become aware and challenge the stories you are telling yourself.  

Negative Personal Narratives Can Develop From Unresolved Trauma

In the current article, I'm delving deeper into the impact of unresolved trauma, which I mentioned towards the end of first article, and how trauma therapy can help (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Clinical Vignette: A Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Helped

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how trauma therapy can help clients to change their personal narrative from negative to positive:

Joe

When Joe, who was his early 40s, sought help in trauma therapy, he told his therapist he wanted to learn to accept he wasn't going to be in a relationship because he was unlovable and women weren't interested in him.

At that point, he believed he had to reconcile himself to a destiny of being alone, which was overwhelming for him.  But he believed that if he didn't accept what he perceived as the hopelessness of his situation, he would feel chronically dissatisfied for the rest of his life.  

Although he wanted more than anything to have a romantic partner, he told his therapist he believed it would be better to accept being alone and focus on other areas of his life.  

According to Joe, he tried working on making changes in his prior therapies so that he could get into a relationship, but no matter how much he tried, nothing worked.  As a result, he believed he had to accept that women found him fundamentally flawed and he was destined to be alone.

He believed if he learned to accept the inevitability of his being single for the rest of his life, he would be much better off than pining for something that wasn't possible.  He was adamant that he felt he wasted too much time in prior therapies trying to change himself to no avail.

As his therapist got to know Joe, she could see no objective reason why he wasn't in a relationship, which he said he really wanted.  From her perspective, she saw an intelligent, kind, handsome man who was repeatedly telling himself that he wasn't lovable or good enough to be with anyone.

Although she was aware that Joe's personal narrative was distorted, she also knew that it would be pointless to tell him this so early in his therapy because it would only increase his resistance to it.  She knew it would be much more helpful for Joe to discover this for himself through their work together.

His family background included a highly critical mother and a father who was more of an absence than a presence because he spent most of his time at work.  Even when he was at home, Joe's father, who was emotionally distant, did nothing to mitigate the damage of the mother's relentless criticism of Joe and Joe's much older siblings.

When his older siblings were old enough to leave the house, they moved out on their own to get away from their parental home--leaving Joe to endure his mother's criticism and chronic dissatisfaction with Joe, his father and her own life.  

As a result, Joe was a shy, self conscious child who mostly played by himself at home. His  mother didn't want his friends to come to their house because she feared they would upset the house.  Nor did she allow Joe to visit his friends or to play outside in the park or at the school playground.

Although Joe's teachers attempted to talk to his mother about his social isolation and the need to socialize with other children, their words fell on deaf ears.  His mother believed that Joe just needed to behave himself and do his chores, and she didn't see any value in his making friends.

Consequently, as a child, Joe didn't learn to socialize with boys and girls, and he didn't develop the necessary social skills to form friendships or relationships.  Combined with his mother's criticism that he would never amount to anything, Joe's lack of social engagement had a devastating impact on him.

By the time he was in high school, Joe carried so much shame that he shied away from girls who showed an interest in him because he knew his mother was old fashioned and wouldn't approve.  And the only friendships he made while he was at an out of state college were his dorm mates, who made an extra effort to get to know him.

If he met a young woman he was attracted to who was outgoing and who asked him out, Joe would go, but he was lacking self confidence even with women who were obviously very interested in him.

After college and law school, Joe began a lucrative career as a corporate attorney and got his own apartment in Manhattan where he tended to isolate even though he wanted to have friends and date women.

By the time he was in his late 20s, Joe began therapy to deal with his social isolation and loneliness.  But, as previously mentioned, despite having tried many different therapy modalities, Joe had no success in therapy and he remained alone.

His current therapist told Joe about EMDR therapy to resolve childhood trauma, which he was able to acknowledge.  

As long as his therapist didn't relate his childhood trauma to his current circumstances, Joe was willing to work through his crippling self esteem issues stemming from a childhood of emotional neglect and emotional abuse (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

Part of the EMDR therapy protocol is asking the client for the negative belief they have about themselves as it relates to their traumatic memories.  

In Joe's case, his negative belief was "I'm unlovable and I'm not good enough" (see my articles:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable and Are Your Core Negative Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Over time, as often occurs in EMDR therapy, Joe began to make emotional connections between his traumatic childhood experiences and his current life circumstances on his own (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

In the past, he resisted making these connections whenever his prior therapists mentioned them, so he was surprised he was making them on his own and how intuitively these connections resonated with him despite his long history of resisting them.

As he became more open to the trauma therapy process, Joe gradually allowed himself to grieve his childhood losses and he felt a weight had been lifted from him.  

As he worked through his traumatic history, Joe began to feel more optimistic about the possibility of a relationship in his future.  As a result, even though he didn't have a lot of dating experience, he was more open to dating.  

At first, whenever a woman he was dating rejected him, Joe reverted to his negative narrative about himself: "I'm unlovable" and "No one will want me."  

But, over time, Joe learned that, just like anyone else, there would be some people who would be interested in him and some who weren't.  

Working in therapy on these issues, Joe learned not to personalize these rejections (see my article: It's Not Always You - How to Stop Personalizing Rejection While Dating).

How Trauma Therapy Helps to Develop a Positive Personal Narrative

As he continued to work through his issues in therapy and open himself to dating women, Joe's personal narrative about himself changed.  Rather than seeing himself as unlovable and not good enough, he developed a positive personal narrative where he believed he deserved love and a happier life.

Over time, Joe developed genuine self confidence and he began a relationship with a woman he met through a colleague.

Conclusion

Personal narratives are based on your history.  

If you were fortunate enough to have had a good enough childhood where you felt loved and encouraged in your life, all other things being equal, you probably will have a positive personal narrative.

On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where you were ridiculed and you internalized a negative perspective about yourself, your personal narrative will probably be negative.  Like most things, there are exceptions.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, helps you overcome the traumatic memories that can have a lasting impact on you in adulthood if they are untreated in trauma therapy.  

Once you have worked through these issues, you can live your life without the impact of early trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are impacted by unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist, who can help you overcome your traumatic history.

Once you have worked through your trauma, you can live free from your history and change the negative stories you tell yourself.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.