A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affect How the Therapist Works With You

Psychotherapists' beliefs about psychotherapy can have a significant effect on the way they practice therapy. The impact of their beliefs can include the therapists' views about clients, diagnoses, the types of therapy that they practice, and length of treatment, among other things.

A Psychotherapist's Beliefs Affects How the Therapist Works With You

What Shapes Psychotherapists' Views About Therapy?
Psychotherapists' beliefs are often shaped by their psychotherapy training, their own personal experiences in therapy as well as their professional relationships with supervisors, mentors, colleagues and institutes in their early career.

For instance, psychotherapists, who were trained years ago in traditional classical psychoanalysis and who have not had any other training in contemporary psychotherapy, often believe that psychotherapy takes a long, long time for everyone (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).

While it's true that some clients might need a longer time in therapy than others, if this is a therapist's belief for all clients, how she practices therapy and the length of time that most of her clients spend in therapy with her, will conform to this belief, especially if long-term therapy is the only type of therapy that she practices.

Another example is that if a therapist tends to pathologize clients' ambivalence or difficulties in therapy, she will probably see the client as "resistant" or as a "help rejecting client" rather than seeing ambivalence as a normal part of therapy or taking a more nuanced view of the client and the therapeutic relationship, including that the problem might be related to something the therapist is doing or not doing (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent and Reconceptualizing the So-Called "Help Rejecting Client").

If the therapist only focuses on looking for psychological disorders to the exclusion of seeing the clients' strengths, the therapy will tend to be pathologizing.  She will probably see mostly clients'  problems rather than clients'  strengths, resilience and capacity for change.

A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affects How the Therapist Works With You

Working Deep in Therapy in an Experiential Way vs Working Only to Relieve Symptoms
Being able to work deep in psychotherapy is a valuable skill for therapists.

Most therapists who stopped their training in graduate school and never learned depth-oriented therapy tend to work in a way that only touches the surface.  They usually look for ways to relieve symptoms rather than looking beyond for what is transformative for the client.  This is a disservice to clients.

But working deep no longer means that the client must spend many years in therapy.  There are newer types of experiential therapy that can significantly reduce the time in therapy for many clients without sacrificing the depth.

    See my articles: 

Experiential Psychotherapy, Like EMDR, Helps Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs 

The Unconscious Mind and Experiential Therapy: The "Symptom" Contains the Solution).

Some forms of therapy, like certain forms of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Solution Focused Therapy (SFT), as practiced traditionally by many therapists, sacrifice depth for brevity.

These types of treatment might help to alleviate certain symptoms, but they don't get to the underlying unconscious issues that are at the root of the problem--so that clients who complete CBT and SFT often return when their problems surface again in another way because the root cause was left untreated.

CBT and SFT therapists often ignore the unconscious as well as any transference or countertransference issues because this isn't part of the way they do treatment.  This can lead to many enactments by both the therapist and the client that aren't addressed.

Aside from EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and Coherence Therapy are also experiential forms of therapy where the therapist works deep and therapy is often shorter than traditional talk therapy.

A Psychotherapist's Beliefs About Psychotherapy Affects How the Therapist Works With You

These experiential forms of therapy are often mind-body oriented types of therapy, which means that the therapist recognizes the mind-body connection as well as that unconscious thoughts and feelings are stored in the body.

So, if a therapist asks clients to focus on where they feel emotions in their body, clients can learn to more easily access the unconscious in a faster way as compared to regular talk therapy (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Getting Help in Therapy
Many clients who seek help in therapy don't know that there are different types of therapy and different approaches to therapy.

If you're seeking help in therapy, it's important to ask any therapist that you have a consultation with how he or she works in therapy and then, after a consultation, decide if that approach is a good fit for you (for tips on how to choose a therapist, see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Look for a therapist who has skills in many different treatment modalities so that if one modality doesn't work for you, the therapist will have a repertoire of modalities to call upon.

Ask questions about a therapist's training, experience, years in practice and treatment philosophy.

Last but not least, trust your gut when you're trying to decide if a particular therapist is right for you.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I am trained in psychoanalysis as well as other contemporary experiential approaches like clinical hypnosis, ego states therapy, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.

Rather than trying to mold the client to fit a particular type of therapy, I work in a collaborative way to develop a treatment plan that suits each client's needs.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

One of the most common complaints that I hear in couples therapy for people in long term relationships is that their sex life has fizzled out.  Even couples who once had a passionate sex life complain that the passion has gone out of their relationship and one or both of them are hurt and angry that repeated attempts for sexual intimacy have been rejected.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

Most couples don't seem to realize that this is a common problem for many people.  Somehow, most people assume that they're the exception and every other couple is having wild sexual passion.

While it's common for sexual passion to decrease somewhat over time, this doesn't mean that a couple has to settle for a sexless relationship.

You Don't Have to Wait Until You're "in the Mood" to Have Sex
Most people seem to think that they have to wait until each of them is "in the mood" before they even try having sex.

But with busy work schedules, children and all the responsibilities involved with having a family, waiting until the "stars align" to have sex might have you waiting a very long time.

Rather than waiting until you're each in the mood before you have sex, I recommend that even if both people aren't feeling in the mood in the moment that you go ahead and engage in sexual flirting and playfulness and what often happens is that, even if you didn't start out in the mood, you get into the mood.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how a couple can improve a sex life that's dwindled:

Peg and Ed
Peg and Ed had been married for 12 years when they came to my office for couple counseling.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

Barely speaking to each other, they each took turns complaining about the other one to me.

It was clear that they were both so angry with one another that they could hardly look at each other.

As a couples therapist, part of my job is to facilitate communication between the couple rather than having them only speak to me, so I asked them to address their concerns to each other.

Barely able to look at one another, Ed started.

He said he felt hurt, frustrated and angry that every time he tried to initiate sex, Peg rejected him.

Since he didn't want to keep feeling rejected, he stopped initiating.  He had hoped that Peg would "get the hint" and initiate sex between them, but he was disappointed because he felt that she barely noticed that they weren't having sex.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in  Long-Term Relationship

Peg looked like she could barely contain her anger while Ed was speaking, and she responded by saying that Ed would attempt to initiate sex late at night when she was exhausted.

After working a long day, she just wanted to sleep when he would initiate foreplay.  She felt that this was selfish and self centered of him.

I reminded each of them of the ground rules that I had discussed at the beginning of the session, which included listening intently to each other, talking from his or her own experience (rather than making accusations), and avoiding name calling.

As I usually do early on in couples therapy, I asked each of them what attracted each of them to the other.

At first, as each of them sat at the opposite ends of the couch, neither of them seemed enthusiastic about responding.

Eventually, Peg said that when she first saw Ed at her friend's party, she thought he was very handsome and she loved his smile.

As she remembered the day she met him, she smiled and her eyes glowed.  She especially liked how funny and charming he was that night.  When he talked to her that night, she felt like she was the only woman in the room.

As Ed listened to Peg talk about that evening, he smiled at her and talked about what he liked about her during their courtship and early years together.  He was attracted to her beauty.  He admired her for how intelligent she is, her creativity, and her sense of humor.  She also made him feel special.

As they listened to each other talk, they realized that they had become so angry with each other about sex that they stopped doing many of the things that brought them together and they didn't even realize it.

They began talking to each other about the things that they liked to do that they no longer do, and made a decision to go out more and see if they could recapture some of the enjoyment they had during the initial years of their relationship.

When they came back the following week, they recounted going out and having a good time together.  They still weren't having sex, but they seemed much more relaxed and sat closer to one another.

I talked to them about being sensuous and "playful" with each other as a prelude to improving their sex life--even if they weren't initially in the mood.

At first, they both seemed unsure of what I meant, but when they thought back to what they used to do, Peg remembered that she liked the way Ed used to give her massages.

As we explored this as a possibility, Peg said she didn't feel as sexually attractive as she used to be when she was younger.  She had gained weight and she felt self conscious about allowing Ed give her a massage.

Ed seemed surprised and told her that he still found her sexy and he liked the extra weight.

Then, it was Peg's turn to be surprised.  She seemed pleased that Ed still thought of her as sexy and said she thought she could probably make more of an effort to dress up when they went out and to wear lingerie at night.

I recommended to them that they be "playful" and sensuous as a start rather than focusing on having sex.

When they came back the next week, they both reported that they were anxious about giving each other massages and it was a little awkward at first.

Neither of them were "in the mood" at first, but, after a while, they both got into it and it became enjoyable.

Over the next few weeks, Ed and Peg became more open to trying new ways to be sensual with each other, even when one or both of them weren't in the mood initially, and they discovered that it brought them closer together.

Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship

Ed was still leery of taking the initiative, so they decided that Peg would would initiate sex when she felt more comfortable.

A month or so later, they reported that Peg surprised Ed one day when he got home by wearing lingerie and flirting with him in a sexy way.

Ed admitted that he came home from work feeling grumpy and tired and sex was the furthest thing from his mind, but he went with it.

Allowing her to take the lead, Ed was surprised that Peg initiated their sexual encounter by taking off his clothes and pulling him into the bedroom, which was a real turn on for Ed.

Even though he wasn't "in the mood" at first, he found himself very sexually aroused as Peg asserted herself sexually.

They both felt that it was the best sex they had had in years, and they both opened up emotionally and sexually in ways they never would have thought possible.

After that, they were both willing to experiment and surprise one another sexually in ways that they had never done before, and they were becoming more sexually daring.

They both agreed that they were enjoying their sex life more than they had in years.

Conclusion
Many couples mistakenly assume that they can't improve sexual intimacy because they're in a long term relationship.

At that point, either one or both of them often becomes dissatisfied and the relationship starts to go downhill.

Remembering what you both liked about each other when you first met can help you to reconnect with each other emotionally as well as being willing to be playful and sensuous without the pressure of having sex at first.

Introducing novelty and occasional surprises into your sex life can also help to keep the passion going.

Getting Help in Therapy
For many couples, where resentment and anger have built up over time, trying to improve sexual intimacy between them can be daunting.

If you and your spouse are having problems with your sex life, rather than allowing resentment to build to the point where the relationship can't be salvaged, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist who can help you to navigate through the difficult passages and rekindle your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Old Abandonment Issues Can Get Triggered When Your Psychotherapist is Away

Abandonment issues from early childhood can get triggered when your therapist goes away for a while.  This is a common response for many clients in therapy (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Old Abandonment Issues Can Get Triggered When Your Psychotherapist is Away

Most psychotherapists give their clients advanced notice as to when they're going to be away so it gives them time to talk about any issues that might come up due to the therapist's absence.  It also gives the therapist and the client a chance to plan for it.

Many clients, especially clients who are feeling emotionally vulnerable, can get emotionally triggered because the therapist's absence can bring up earlier memories in clients' history when they felt emotionally abandoned or, in some cases, even physically abandoned.

Planning in advance with your therapist, before she goes away, about what you can do if you feel emotionally vulnerable can be helpful.

Old Abandonment Issues Can Get Triggered When Your Psychotherapist is Away

Just knowing that this is a common experience that many people feel when their therapists are away can be a relief.

Also, even though they might feel intense, just knowing that these feelings are usually related to an earlier time can be somewhat comforting to know.

As compared to when you were younger and you experienced the original emotional abandonment, it's important to remember that, as an adult, you now have internal resources that you didn't have when you were a child.  So, in most cases, what you're going through now isn't nearly as bad as it was when you were younger.

Some Tips That Might Be Helpful While Your Therapist is Away

• If you think you might feel shaky while your therapist is away, talk to her about it before she goes.
• Stay in contact with friends and loved ones.  This isn't the time to isolate.
• Confide in a trusted friend or loved one about what you're experiencing.
• Remember that what you're experiencing is common for many people who are in therapy, especially people who have experienced abandonment as children.
• Continue to engage in activities that you enjoy.
• Set up an appointment with the covering psychotherapist, if you feel you need to talk to a professional before your therapist returns.
• Write about your feeling in a journal. This can be very helpful.
• Think about what your therapist might say if you told her that you felt emotionally triggered (many people, who have worked with a therapist for a while, have internalized their therapist so that they might already know what she might say that would be comforting).
• Many cities, have free support groups through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that might be helpful in your therapist's absence.
• Recognize that you've been through much worse and, most likely, you will get through this until your therapist returns.
• Remember the saying, "This too shall pass."
• If you feel so overwhelmed that you think you might hurt yourself, you should go to the nearest emergency room or call 911.
• When your therapist returns, talk to her about your reaction while she was gone.

Even when you know that what you're feeling is from the past, the emotions can feel powerful.

Having self compassion and being gentle with yourself during this time is especially important.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling with abandonment issues and you're not in therapy, you're not alone.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients with this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: "Acting In" Instead of "Acting Out"

Many people who are unhappy in their relationship don't know how to communicate with their partner.  Rather than "acting in" by addressing the problems within the relationship, they "act out" by cheating with other people or finding other diversions outside of the relationship (see my article:  Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating on Social Media).

"Acting In" Your Relationship Instead of "Acting Out"

Obviously, the infidelity only adds to the couples' problems and, even if the other spouse is willing to forgive the cheating and find a way to salvage the relationship.  The infidelity then becomes one more hurdle for the couple to overcome (see my article:  Coping With Secrets and Lies in a Relationship).

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, is an example of this dynamic as well as how couples counseling can help:

Dan and Peg:
Dan and Peg were together for five years when they came for couples counseling.

While Dan thought Peg was asleep, he began sending sexually explicit texts to a woman that he met online.

Initially, Dan tried to make light of these texts.  He told Peg that he never met this woman before--he only knew her online, so he didn't consider the texts to be "cheating."

This hurt and angered Peg even more, so Dan tried to apologize, but Peg wasn't ready to hear his apology, especially after Dan tried to make light of his behavior (see my article:  Trying to Decide What to Do After You Discover That Your Spouse Cheated on You).

"Acting In" Your Relationship Instead of "Acting Out"

Peg asked Dan to move out of their home until she could sort out her feelings.

So, when they began couples counseling, Dan was renting an apartment nearby on a month to month basis, hoping that Peg would eventually allow him to come back home.

"Acting In" Your Relationship Instead of "Acting Out"

Dan wanted to reconcile their relationship but, even though she missed him, Peg wasn't sure.  She wondered if she could trust that he wasn't having sex with other women or that he wouldn't send women sexually explicit emails in the future.

On the one hand, she wasn't sure that she could ever trust Dan again (see my article:  When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

But, on the other hand, she knew she loved Dan and she didn't want to just throw away four years of marriage without trying to save the relationship (see my article:  Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

The first session was so contentious that we had to have individual sessions for a while.

The individual sessions gave me an opportunity to explore each of their motivations for being in couples counseling, their family backgrounds, their relationship history prior to being together, help each of them to explore their feelings before and after the infidelity was discovered, and find out if there were any other instances of cheating on either of their parts.

I also wanted to know how serious Dan was about changing his behavior.

I made it clear to each of them what I tell all couples:  We can't do couples counseling if one or both of them were having affairs or acting out with other people.

Each of them had very different family histories.

Peg came from a close knit family.  There was a real emphasis on communication.  When Peg and her siblings were at home, the family had regular family meetings to talk about whatever issues there might be.

Dan came from a family where family members tended to be estranged from one another.  His parents each lead separate lives, having separate friendships and taking separate vacations.  Dan often wondered how his parents ever got together.  And certainly no one ever discussed their feelings.

So even though Dan could be gregarious and fun, he never learned how to talk about his feelings.  Even though he loved his wife and told her often, the thought of talking about his most vulnerable feelings was foreign and frightening to him.  He wasn't even sure if he knew himself what he lead him to begin texting a woman he met online.

One thing was clear:  He wanted to do whatever he could to save his marriage and regain Peg's trust.  He also denied any prior infidelity and he was adamant that he cut off communication with the other woman.

When I started meeting them as a couple, I facilitated their communication with one another.  At first, Dan struggled to identify his feelings and express them.

I asked each of them to keep a journal where they reflected on their feelings about the relationship.

Peg had kept a journal in the past, so this came more easily to her.

But Dan struggled more.  So, we had a few individual sessions where I worked with him to identity his emotions by focusing on his body.

Since the body holds onto emotions, including unconscious emotions, sensing into the body is a good way to identify what's going on (see my article:  The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

It's is a very individual process and the same sensations can be related to different emotions for different people.

After a few sessions, Dan was able to sense into his body and identify basic emotions:  If his stomach was tight, this meant that he was anxious.  A tightness in his arms meant that he was angry, and so on.

Gradually, over time, Dan was able to identify more emotions in a more nuanced way.

Along the way, Dan was able to open up more with Peg to express his feelings.  He was able to say, with some difficulty, that he had become bored in their relationship and he had initially thought that texting a woman he met online would relieve his boredom.  Now, he realized how shortsighted and damaging this had been.

Dan realized that what he had initially saw as a "harmless flirtation" online was a form of "acting out."  He also became aware that, like many other people, boredom put him at risk for wanting to "act out" and he needed to be more self aware and to communicate with Peg.

It wasn't easy for Peg to hear that Dan had become bored with their relationship, but she listened.  They were also able to talk about what they could do rekindle their relationship.

By the time they completed couples counseling, they were much closer.  They were communicating better.

They were also rebuilding trust, and they both expressed feeling hopeful about their relationship (see my article:  Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

"Acting In" Instead of "Acting Out" in Your Relationship

A few months later, when they returned for a follow up appointment, they were much happier.  Rather than either of them "acting out," they were "acting in" by continuing to communicate with one another.

Conclusion
"Acting out" in a relationship, whether it involves infidelity or other breaches of trust, often occurs because one or both people lack self awareness.

If you grew up in a home where there was little or no communication, expressing emotions can feel foreign, uncomfortable and even dangerous.

Without self awareness about how you feel about yourself and your relationship, communication suffers and the relationship suffers.

If you're having difficulty identifying what you feel, the mind-body connection provides a way to discover your feelings.

"Acting in" means that, rather than looking for diversions outside of the relationship, you're addressing your problems within the relationship.

In this particular article, the couple decided to stay together, but many couples also decide to split up.  What's best for you is a very personal decision.

Reading an article where there is a summary of a composite case can make it seem like working out this type of problem is easy but, obviously, it's not.

Couples therapy can help you and your partner to learn to communicate and to strengthen your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship, don't wait until it's too late to salvage your relationship.

By seeking help with an experience mental health professional who works with couples, you can get the help you need to have a happier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Be Happy

As unusual as it might sound, people who have suffered with longstanding unresolved emotional trauma often have a hard time tolerating positive feelings, like happiness.  This can be confusing for both the person who has unresolved trauma as well as his or her loved ones (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating Then From Now).

Overcoming Fear of Positive Emotions

Although, at first, this might sound illogical, if we take a deeper look at this phenomenon, under certain circumstances, it makes emotional sense.

If you're someone who has a history of emotional trauma (or you're the loved one of someone who has unresolved trauma), I hope this article will clarify this phenomenon and demonstrate how is common under these circumstances.

The following is a fictional vignette below to illustrate these points and how I usually work with these issues:

Jane
Jane came to therapy because she felt like she was "losing it."

She had a long history of emotional trauma, which began in early childhood.  Her early trauma included multiple issues related to abandonment related to her teenage parents and other family members.

Overcoming Fear of Positive Emotions

From the time she was born until her teenage years, Jane was sent back and forth from her mother, who was too young to care for her, to her maternal grandmother.

Unfortunately, after a few months, her grandmother, developed medical problems that prevented her from caring for Jane, so Jane was sent to live with an aunt.  However, her aunt, who had a contentious relationship with Jane's mother, resented taking care of her and sent Jane to live with a great aunt when Jane was two.

Jane's great aunt was nurturing and provided a stable home environment, but Jane was withdrawn and sad.

When Jane started school, her teacher told her great aunt that Jane was having difficulty forming basic relationships with the other children in school.  She tended to be shy and play by herself.  She recommended that Jane's great aunt bring Jane to see a child therapist.

Overcoming Fear of Positive Emotions

Initially, Jane had a hard time connecting with the child therapist, but as time went on, she opened up more.  She was also able to start making friends in school.  However, after several months, Jane's mother, who was now in her early 20s and separated from Jane's father, wanted Jane back.

Although the great aunt wanted to keep Jane, especially now that she was starting to do better in school, she only had an informal arrangement, rather than kinship foster care or adoption, to take care of Jane.  So, she recommended that she and Jane's mother talk to Jane's therapist about it.

The therapist met with the great aunt and Jane's mother and discussed how moving back with the mother would affect Jane, especially since Jane had hardly seen her mother since Jane was given to the grandmother.  She suggested a gradual approach where Jane's mother would begin to spend more time with Jane to see how they would go.

But Jane's mother didn't listen to her.  She uprooted Jane from the only home that Jane knew and brought her to live with her.  She wanted to make up for lost time, but Jane was shy and withdrawn around her and would frequently ask for her grandmother.

Jane's mother didn't understand that Jane needed time to get to know her and adjust to being in her new environment.  She felt that Jane was rejecting her.

After a few months, Jane's mother showed up unannounced at the grandmother's house with Jane's belongings and told the grandmother that things weren't working out, so Jane needed to live with her. Whenever she was brought back to live with her grandmother, Jane was happy.  But after a while, she didn't trust that she wouldn't be uprooted again and again so she wouldn't allow herself to be happy.

This back and forth between Jane's mother and her grandmother continued until Jane was ready to go away to college.

By then, Jane learned to speak up for herself, but she continued to be wary of allowing herself to be happy.  She felt that whenever anything good happened, it was sure to be followed by something bad.

By the time Jane came to therapy, she was in her mid-20s and in a two year relationship with her boyfriend.  Although she loved him and she knew that he loved her too, she was afraid to make a bigger commitment to the relationship.  She feared that something would probably happen in the relationship to disappoint her eventually.

No matter how much her boyfriend tried to convince her that he was committed and wanted to marry her, she wary of getting engaged.

Since she knew that she couldn't continue to live this way, she came to therapy to work on these issues.

As we talked about her childhood history, it became evident that Jane had unresolved childhood trauma that was affecting her now as an adult.

Intellectually, she knew that her boyfriend was trustworthy and committed to her, but on an emotional level, she didn't trust it.

As we talked about how her history was affecting her now, Jane realized that, on an emotional level, she was confusing what happened to her as a child with her situation now (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma That Affects Adult Relationships).

Using EMDR therapy, over time, we processed Jane's trauma so that she was able to work through those earlier issues so that she could be free from her history to have a loving relationship with her boyfriend and she could allow herself to be happy without fear.

Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Be Happy

Conclusion
When children grow up in an unstable environment where they are uprooted and constantly disappointed, these traumatic incidents create a mistrust in them where they never know when they will be hurt again.

As a result, they wary of trusting the good times because they feel that the bad times will inevitably follow, so they don't want to be caught off guard.

Unfortunately, these problems carry over into adulthood and affect adult relationships.

But, with help, these issues can be worked through so that they no longer affect people in their adult lives.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the issues that I've discussed in this article resonate with you, rather than continuing to allow your history to have a negative impact on your current life, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Losing Yourself in a Relationship: When "Me" Gets Lost in "We"

In a prior article, Reclaiming a Lost Part of Yourself, I discussed how people, sometimes consciously or unconsciously, disavow parts of themselves and what they can do reclaim those aspects of themselves.  In this article, I'm focusing on a related subject, which involves losing your sense of individuality while you're in a relationship.

Losing Yourself in a Relationship: When "Me" Gets Lost in "We"

Most people know that being in a relationship involves certain compromises, a give-and-take in every day life.  Without a willingness to compromise and be flexible, it would be hard to sustain a long term relationship.

This isn't what I'm referring to in this article.  Rather, I'm referring to situations where you're in a relationship and you don't know who you are any more and where you begin and your partner ends because you've become so merged with each other.

It can be challenging to be a couple and still maintain your individuality, especially if you're spending all your free time together and you're not spending time with your own friends or engaging in your own interests.

Often, this happens over time, and then you find yourself saying, "Who am I?  What happened to me?"

Losing Yourself in a Relationship: When "Me" Gets Lost in "We"

Not only is this a problem for each individual in the relationship, it's also a problem for the relationship.

The very things that brought the two of you together, where each of you brought new and interesting aspects of yourselves to the relationship, gets lost.

It's as if you've both merged and become one person, which can cause boredom to set in (see my article: Relationships: Resist the Urge to Merge).

Some Tips that Might Be Helpful to You:

• Take Time to Reconnect With Your Inner World: A life that's based only on getting pleasure from the external things is a shallow life.  Whether you engage in meditation, yoga, write in a journal or engage in self exploration in therapy, it's important for you to dip into your inner world from time to time because this is the source of your strength, resilience and well-being.  This is also what keeps you in touch with who you are as an individual (see my articles: Discovering a Quiet Place Within Yourself and Reconnecting With Your Inner World).

• Maintain Your Friendships:  The mistake that a lot of people make when they get into a relationship is that they get so involved with their partner that they forget about their friendships.  While it's understandable, especially when a relationship is new, that you want to spend time with your new partner, it's a mistake to give up close friends.  Your friendships need nurturing too and mutually supportive friendships can sustain you through life's ups and downs.  Also, your partner can't fulfill all your needs, so you need different people in your life to fulfill different needs (see my article: Relationships: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

• Maintain Your Interests:  If you had interests or hobbies that you really enjoyed before you entered into the relationship, stay connected to those interests.  Having hobbies and interests outside of your relationship can make life more fulfilling and meaningful for you.  It also allows you and your partner to each bring new vitality into the relationship.

• Make Time to Talk About Things That Are Meaningful to Each of You:  Casual conversations are fine, but if all of your conversations tend to be superficial, not only is that boring, but you won't be sharing meaningful parts of yourself with your partner.  Having meaningful conversations means that you're a good communicator and a good listener.  Don't assume that your partner knows what's going on with you or that you know what's going on with your partner without communicating with each other in a meaningful way.

• Be Open to New Experiences:  Not only do you need to maintain your friendships and your interests, but you need to be open to new experiences (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities).  That's what keeps life interesting and keeps you growing as an individual.  Your partner might not be interested in the same new experiences that you might want to try, and that's okay.  He or she doesn't have to be.  You don't have to do everything together.  There should be room in your relationship for each of you to pursue new, healthy experiences.  

If you or your partner aren't comfortable maintaining a sense of individuality while you're in a relationship, sooner or later this is going to create problems for each of you as well as the relationship.

Maintaining Your Individuality While Being in a Relationship Can Be Challenging

If each of you is secure with the other and with your relationship, balancing your individuality with being in a relationship will enhance you as individuals as well as enhancing the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned before, it can be challenging to maintain your individuality while you're in a relationship.

Both people need to be committed to growing as individuals and as a couple.

If you find that you're unable to do this on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experiencing helping people to create this balance in their lives (see my articles: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing Therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

There are no rules about grief.  Everyone grieves in his or her own way.  At the same time, many people come to therapy because they sense that they're not allowing themselves to let go of their grief and they remain in a lot of emotional pain.  There are many reasons why people hold onto grief.  It's not unusual for people to hold onto grief as a way to stay connected to a deceased loved one, and this type of holding on often has a detrimental effect on the person grieving as well as their loved ones.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way of Staying Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

In prior articles, I've written about grief, including: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions, Complicated Grief, Grief in Waiting and Allowing Room For Grief.

The type of grief that I'm describing in this article is a grief that often feels almost as painful now as it did when the loss occurred years before.  This often happens because the person who is grieving is actively holding onto the grief, usually unconsciously.  

Discovering the unconscious reasons for actively holding onto the grief is part of the work in therapy.

The following fictionalized vignette, which represents many different cases, illustrates this dynamic:

Mary

When Mary came to therapy, she had lost her father three years before.  She described the emotional pain of her loss as being almost as intense as it had been when she first lost him.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

She came to therapy because she knew on some level that there was more going on for her than just the grief that she felt for her father, but she didn't know what it was.

She had been to therapy before to try to deal with this loss, but none of her prior attempts in therapy helped her.

She kept ruminating about the last time that she saw her father in the hospital and blaming herself for not "doing more" to help him.

When asked what she felt she could have done, she had only a vague idea.  Her father was in the hospital because he had a heart attack after years of neglecting his health and not listening to his doctors to lose weight.

Even though Mary tried to encourage her father to adopt a healthier lifestyle, he continued to smoke and eat foods that his doctor told him weren't good for him.

The reality was that there was nothing that Mary could have done to make her father change his ways, but she remained stuck in thinking that she might not have done enough, and if only she had done more, maybe he would be alive today.

Mary knew that, since her father died, she wasn't paying as much attention to her husband and her daughter, but she felt powerless to change how she felt about the loss of her father and about moving on in her life.

During the first year, her husband was very understanding about her sorrow.  But after that, he started complaining to her that he felt she wasn't emotionally present for him and their daughter.  He told her  that he felt this wasn't fair to him or to their daughter.

Mary understood why her husband felt this way, and she felt guilty for not being as emotionally present  for her family.  She loved her husband and daughter very much, and there was a part of her that wanted to be more present.  But there was also a part of her that wanted to continue to grieve for her father.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

As an only child, when she was growing up, she knew that both of her parents loved her.  But she and her father had a special bond.  She felt that he understood her in a way that no one else ever would--not even her husband.  

Losing that sense of being loved unconditionally, in the way her father loved her, was one of the biggest losses when her father died.  From the time she was a child and throughout adulthood, she knew she could go to her father with any problem and he would never judge her.  

Even talking about this aspect of her loss was excruciatingly painful, even though she had talked about this many times before in her prior therapies.

In many types of therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a therapist would try to get Mary to see that she wasn't accepting the loss of her father and, until she accepted it, she would continue to suffer.

While this might be true in the most practical sense, this counteractive type of approach is rarely, if ever, helpful for someone who is stuck in unremitting grief.  It usually results in the person who is grieving feeling that they're "wrong" for being unable to let go of their sadness or feeling misunderstood.  This often induces guilt and shame.

A counteractive approach, like CBT, attempts to appeal to the rational part of the brain.  But the problem is that these stuck emotions are in the emotional part of the brain, and counteractive therapies, like CBT, which might be good for other problems, don't work as well when someone is stuck in protracted grief.

CBT might help a client understand their problem on a rational level, but the problem persists on an emotional level.

Rather than using CBT or another form of counteractive therapy, we used an experiential therapy, EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, to help Mary process her grief (see my articles: How EMDR Works, Experiential Therapy, Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Using EMDR, Mary was able to access the unconscious reasons why she had been, until then, unwilling to let go of her grief.  The main reason was that, even though her grief was deeply painful, her sadness kept her emotionally connected to her father.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to Deceased Loved Ones

If she wasn't feeling her grief as intensely, she wouldn't feel as connected to her father.  But she also experienced during EMDR therapy what an emotional toll this was taking on her, her husband and her daughter and, for the first time since her father died, she was willing to let go.

Processing her grief with EMDR therapy wasn't easy or quick for Mary but, gradually, she felt a reduction in her grief.

For the first time, she was willing to accept on an emotional level that her father was gone and she would never see him again as well as all the implications of that, including that no one would ever love her in the same way that her father did.

But she also knew that she was loved very much by her husband, daughter, close friends and family members, and she loved them.

She became aware that she wasn't as powerless over her grief as she felt originally.  Her willingness to let go was a significant step in this psychological process.

As her grief subsided, she felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her.  She also discovered that she felt more like herself and she was more emotionally available to her loved ones.

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Whenever she thought of her father, she still felt sad, but it was no longer the crushing grief that it had been before EMDR therapy.

Conclusion
Grief can feel overwhelming for some people, even years after the loss.

For these people, counteractive therapy, like CBT, isn't helpful in many cases because it doesn't provide emotional relief.

EMDR therapy allowed Mary to discover the unconscious reasons why she was holding onto her grief and she decided that she was willing to let go.  EMDR also helped her to complete the mourning process so that her emotional burden was lifted and she was more emotionally available to her family.

Grieving for the loss of loved one is never easy.  It's common to feel sadness, anger, regret and a host of other feelings about the loss.

The Grieving Process

Many people go through the mourning process and within time they're able to resume their life and their relationships.  This doesn't mean that they're not sad when they think of their loss, but they're able to resume functioning in their lives.

For some people, the grieving process becomes protracted over years and it has a detrimental effect on close relationships and everyday life.

Once these unconscious reasons are discovered, people usually realize that, rather than being helpless over their feelings, they have a sense of agency and responsibility.  They can ask themselves if they're willing to let go of the grief.

Often when the pain of holding onto grief becomes greater than letting it go, most people who are experiencing protracted grief become willing to let go.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been struggling on your own to overcome your grief, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients to overcome loss.

Being able to let go of grief will allow you to resume your life and your relationships again.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my areas of expertise is working with grief and loss.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.