Seeing Yourself as Being "Rational" vs. Experiencing Shame For Not Being Able to Feel

As I discussed in my prior article, people often use defense mechanisms as emotional survival strategies when dealing with the underlying issues that would be too overwhelming for them.  These defense mechanisms usually develop early in life when they helped with emotional survival.  But, as adults, these defense mechanisms get in the way of personal development as well as developing healthy relationships.  Suppressing emotions to be "rational," as opposed to feeling ashamed of not being able to feel emotions, is the defense mechanism that I will focus on in this article (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of So-Called "Negative" Emotions).

Seeing Yourself as Being "Rational" vs. Experiencing Shame For Not Being Able to Feel

People who tend to be rational most of the time, to the exclusion of feeling their emotions, usually pride themselves on their rationality.  They don't realize that they're being rational in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings because this defense mechanism is unconscious.

Sooner or later, being rational in order to avoid feelings causes problems, especially in relationships.  The other partner, who has access to all or most of his or her emotions, gets frustrated with the partner who uses being rational as a defense--while the partner who uses being rational feels comfortable with this and can't understand what all the fuss is about.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Seeing Yourself as "Rational" vs. Feeling Shame for Not Being Able to Feel
The following clinical vignette, although fictional, represents many different real cases and illustrates what often happens when someone uses being rational rather than feeling ashamed for not being able to feel a full range of emotions:

Ed began psychotherapy after his girlfriend, Meg, complained that she was frustrated with him because he tended to be rational and logical rather than allowing himself to feel his emotions.  She told him that if he didn't get help, she would end the relationship because she felt alone and lonely when emotional issues came up.

A recent incident lead to Meg giving Ed an ultimatum: Meg had a miscarriage and she couldn't understand Ed's lack of emotion.  Both Ed and Meg wanted to have a baby for the last few years.  When she got pregnant, they were both happy.  Then, several weeks into the pregnancy, Meg had a miscarriage while she was at home, and Ed took her to the hospital.

When they got home later that night, Meg felt devastated.  She couldn't stop crying, and when she turned to Ed, she felt angry and frustrated that he was so unemotional.  She knew that Ed loved her and really wanted to have the baby, so she couldn't understand how he could be so emotionally detached.

When Meg confronted Ed about it, he told her that, while he understood that she was upset, he thought it didn't make sense for him to get emotional about it, "It won't change anything." He thought it would be best for him to stay calm and recognize that they could try again to have a baby.

Meg knew that Ed loved her.  But she also knew that when it came to dealing with emotions that he felt were unpleasant, he would ward off these feelings by being rational in a way that made her feel like she was alone.  She was so upset by his lack of emotional support about the miscarriage that she left for a few of weeks to stay with a friend.  She said she found it too upsetting to be around him.

Seeing Yourself as Being "Rational" vs. Experiencing Shame For Not Being Able to Feel

Before she left, Ed pleaded with Meg to stay.  He tried to tell her that he loved her and he wanted to have a child.  He just couldn't understand how it would help to get upset about it.  But Meg left anyway and told him to get help in therapy.

As Ed sat in the psychotherapist's office, he told her that he didn't understand why Meg was so upset with him.  He didn't know why she didn't understand how much better it was in this situation to remain rational and not "lose my head" with emotion.  He felt badly that Meg thought he didn't care when, in fact, he really did care a lot.  He said that it was because he cared that he thought it was better to be rational than to be emotional.

As Ed and his psychotherapist explored his family history, he revealed that both of his parents prided themselves on being rational people.  They had each gone through traumatic experiences as children and they believed that they got through those difficult times by being rational and unemotional, which is what they taught Ed and his younger brother, Jack (see my article: Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma).

As he described his family history, his psychotherapist could see that Ed used being rational to ward off feelings that were difficult for him--like sadness and anger.  She understood that this was a long-standing problem for him, and he wouldn't respond well if she proceeded too quickly to explore the feelings that he was warding off.

His psychotherapist asked Ed to give her examples from his childhood when he remained rational under difficult circumstances.  He told her that one of his earliest memories was when he was five losing his beloved dog, who had been part of the family from before Ed was born.

He remembered crying when his parents told him that the dog died.  Then, both of his parents told him to dry his eyes and stop crying because crying wouldn't change anything.  His father told him that it was always better to remain rational and unemotional under these types of circumstances.  So, Ed stopped crying and dried his eyes.

As he reflected on this experience in his psychotherapist's office, he said he agreed with his parents and he thought they taught him a valuable lesson about remaining rational during difficult times.  He knew that when each of them escaped their country of origin as children with their parents, it helped them to remain rational and unemotional, and he was glad he learned this lesson at an early age.

He thought the same idea applied to Meg's miscarriage.  Rather than being upset about it, he thought, they should focus on the positive things in their lives and try to have a baby again (see my article: Are You Using Your Idea of "Positive Thinking" As a Form of Denial).

A few weeks later, Meg called Ed and told him that she decided to take a break from the relationship. She wanted time to think about what she really wanted, and she would get back to him.

Seeing Yourself as Being "Rational" vs. Experiencing Shame For Not Being Able to Feel

By the time Ed came to his next psychotherapy session, he said he felt like he was "going crazy."  Ever since he received the call from Meg, he felt completely overwhelmed.  He couldn't sleep, eat or concentrate at work.

He kept trying to tell him that being upset wouldn't help him, but it made no difference--he continued to feel upset.  This made no sense to him at all, which is why he felt like he was "going crazy." He said he felt like he desperately needed help or "I'll lose my mind."

Ed's psychotherapist understood that Ed's usual defense mechanism of being rational wasn't working for him now.  In the past, he was able to suppress his feelings by being rational, but his feelings for Meg were so strong that his defense mechanism wasn't working.  Since Ed wasn't accustomed to dealing with strong unpleasant emotions, he felt like he was losing his mind.

His psychotherapist assured Ed that he wasn't losing his mind--he was having a normal reaction to the possible loss of his relationship.  Then, sensing that he was now open because he was in an emotional crisis, she provided him with psychoeducation about defense mechanisms (see my article: How a Crisis Open You Up to Positive Changes).

His psychotherapist normalized Ed's reaction to Meg wanting to take time away and helped him to deal with his emotions.  Over time, Ed discovered in therapy how he learned to suppress uncomfortable emotions by using the defense mechanism of being rational.

He also learned that deep down he felt ashamed for not being able to feel all of his emotions, and being rational suppressed his shame.  In addition, he learned that it was healthier for him to be able to experience the full range of all his emotions rather than suppressing them.

His psychotherapist helped Ed to strengthen his tolerance for experiencing the emotions that he had been avoiding (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Psychotherapy).

Over time, he became more comfortable with unpleasant emotions like sadness, grief, and anger, and he also dealt with the losses that he never dealt with as a child.  Although he had to get accustomed to  feeling the full range of his emotions, he told his psychotherapist that he felt relieved to experience these emotions rather than suppress them.

After several months, Meg came back and they dealt with the loss related to the miscarriage together.  Although he was relieved to feel all his emotions, there were still times when Ed thought it was easier, in some ways, not to deal with the unpleasant emotions.  But he also knew that it was healthier for him to experience all of his feelings.

Conclusion
Just like any other defense mechanism, being rational without dealing with uncomfortable emotions, serves to ward off uncomfortable emotions. People who are adamant about being rational and logical, rather than experiencing their emotions, usually don't realize that they're defending against their emotions.

Most of the time, it's a defense mechanism that they learned at an early age, and they really believe that it's a healthy coping strategy.  But being rational and suppressing feelings doesn't work, as in the vignette above.

When a defense mechanism doesn't work, this can create an emotional crisis, which might enable the person in crisis to be more open to looking at his or her emotional survival strategy and to consider change.

With tact and sensitivity for a client's vulnerable state, a skilled psychotherapist can help a client to explore this emotional survival strategy and how s/he can change.

The psychotherapist can also help the client to gradually strengthen his or her window of tolerance to be able to experience emotions that are being defended against.

Getting Help in Therapy
Longstanding emotional survival strategies can be very difficult for you to change on your own (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If your emotional survival strategies aren't working for you, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

Learning healthier coping strategies can help you to experience your full range of emotions so you can feel more alive.

Rather than struggling on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and develop healthy coping strategies so they could go on to live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Masking Vulnerability and Shame By Pretending You Don't Need Anyone

As I have mentioned in prior articles, defense mechanisms are important in terms of keeping you from feeling overwhelmed, especially when you're a child and you're in a physically or emotionally abusive family situation.  

But when you become an adult, these same defense mechanisms get in the way of having access to a full range of emotions.  Aside from having negative consequences for your emotional development, your relationships suffer as well.  

One common defense mechanism is developing a pride-based identification to cover up shame.  For instance, a child who was neglected or abused grows into an adult who sees himself as being "independent" (not needing anyone) as opposed to dealing his underlying emotions--experiencing shame and hurt for feeling like a burden to his family (see my article:  Emotional Survival Strategies That No Longer Work For You: "I Don't Need Anyone").

Masking Vulnerability and Shame

It's understandable why a child, who has to fend for himself at a young age, would rather see himself as being independent and not needing anyone else.

But this is really a pseudo-independence because children can never really be independent in terms of their emotional and physical needs. Children who are neglected or abused might have no other choice, if they want to survive, than to try to take care of their own needs as best as they can at a great cost to their psychological development and, possibly, their physical development.

It would be too overwhelming for a young child, who has to take care of his own needs, to also try to come to terms with why his parents aren't taking care of him.  So, instead of dealing with the emotional pain involved with that, they develop defense mechanisms that prevent them from feeling overwhelmed, including pride-based identifications ("I'm independent so I don't need anyone") and emotional numbing (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past?).

The defense mechanism of believing yourself to be independent, which excludes others, masks a deeper sense that the parents didn't take care of the child.  Emotional numbing can numb or mute most feelings.  By shutting off the hurt and anger, you also shut off emotions of joy and happiness.

In addition, you could grow up to feel that you can't trust anyone, so you have to take care of all your needs on your own.  This has negative repercussions for developing healthy relationships.  Some people, who grow up feeling pseudo-independent, unconsciously choose relationships where they have to take care of the other person.  Other people decide to remain alone.

Whether you choose people who you have to take care of and who will never meet your needs or you choose to remain alone, sadly, you can live your entire life trying to maintain the myth that you don't need others in order to avoid dealing with your traumatic history.

When people who believe themselves to be independent, without needing others, come to therapy, they often say they come for other reasons.  Their defense mechanism of feeling pseudo-independent is so firmly established that they don't see it or how it affects their lives.

A skilled psychotherapist usually won't address this dynamic directly at the start of therapy because, in most cases, it would be too emotionally threatening to a client who uses this defense mechanism if the therapist addresses it prematurely.  The therapist needs to assess when the client would be ready to deal with these issues.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Seeing Yourself as Independent vs. Feeling Shame For Feeling Like a Burden
The following fictional clinical vignette is based on many different cases and illustrates the issues outlined above and how psychotherapy can help:

Tom, who was in his early 30s, began psychotherapy reluctantly because he was having problems at work.  His director praised Tom's work, but he also told Tom that he needed to learn to be a team player.

Specifically, his director referred to a recent project where the tasks for the project were divided among Tom and four other employees, but Tom took on the whole project and completed it himself by working late nights and weekends.  The director reiterated what a great job Tom did, but he told him that Tom's coworkers felt they missed an opportunity to shine on this project.  In addition, they complained that Tom was aloof and avoided interacting with them.  As a result, the director told Tom that he wanted him to develop better relationships with his team and learn to be a part of the team rather than taking on the whole project.

Tom told his psychotherapist that there would be a big new project coming up in a few months where everyone on Tom's team, including Tom, would be assigned a role, and his director expected Tom to interact well with his teammates while he sticks to his assigned role.

Tom told his psychotherapist that he preferred to work alone, even if it meant that he worked many hours.  But his director made himself clear, and Tom didn't want to appear uncooperative or lose his job.  He needed to learn how to, at least, appear like a team player, but he knew this would be stressful for him, which is what brought him to therapy.

He said that he never thought he would seek help in therapy because, from the time he was a young child, he prided himself on being "independent" and "never needed anyone."  Similar to when he was a child, as an adult, he spent most of his time alone, and he preferred it that way.

When his psychotherapist asked Tom to describe his childhood, Tom wasn't sure where to start.  He folded his arms defensively, and asked his therapist what she wanted to know.  Then, he added that he couldn't see how his childhood was relevant to his current problem.

Not wanting to alienate Tom, his psychotherapist asked Tom a few brief questions about his childhood and assumed that, over time, she would find out more when he was ready.  Tom responded to his therapist's questions by saying, "I had a great childhood.  There were no problems in my childhood.  My parents did the best they could."

Over time, Tom divulged more details about his childhood.  He mentioned that he was an only child.  He said his parents were often out of the house much of the time.  His father was a musician who was frequently at gigs at night.  After the gigs, his father and band mates would go out to drink ("My father had a little bit of a drinking problem.  It wasn't really that bad"). He said his mother worked three jobs to make ends meet because his father's gigs didn't bring in much money.   As a result, Tom was mostly alone, so he learned to fend for himself at a young age, which he said gave him a great sense of pride.

His psychotherapist could see that Tom was a neglected child, who developed the defense mechanism of seeing himself as "independent" rather than neglected and he had an avoidant attachment style.  She could also tell that Tom was nowhere near being ready to deal with this, so she didn't want to address it prematurely.

After Tom talked about his parents, he looked uncomfortable and, even though she said nothing, he accused the psychotherapist of trying to say that he had "bad parents."  He told her that he had "the best parents in the world" and wouldn't allow anyone to say that they weren't (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship With Your Psychotherapist).

In response, his psychotherapist recognized that Tom was using projection as a defense mechanism--projecting his own unconscious and disowned feelings about his parents onto her. She tactfully pointed out to Tom that she had not said a word about his parents and wondered what was going on.

Tom seemed to recover himself and apologized.  He said one of the reasons why he avoided coming to therapy in the past was that he assumed that "all psychotherapists" blamed clients' parents, and he had strong feelings about anyone blaming his parents, "I won't allow anyone to say anything negative about my parents."

In the meantime, Tom was dealing with his situation at work by "pretending" to like his coworkers and to feel like he was part of the team.  He said he only did it to save his job, but he felt like "a phony,"which he hated.   At the same time, he admitted that, as he got to know his teammates better, he was starting to like them a little.

As previously mentioned, in his personal life, Tom spent most of his time alone.  Occasionally, he visited his parents to help them with chores and also to help them financially.  His parents were both retired now and dealing with medical problems.

His mother had arthritis so bad that there were days when she was in severe pain.  His father developed liver problems several years before, and his doctor convinced the father that he had to stop drinking.  Although they continued to live together, his parents lived parallel lives with their own friends.  Tom also suspected that his father was having an extramarital affair, but Tom used the defense mechanism of minimization by saying, "Well, he's unhappy, so I don't blame him."

Tom told his psychotherapist that he dated casually from time to time, but he had no real interest in being in a relationship.  When he wasn't helping his parents, he spent most of his time watching TV or playing video games alone.

It took several months for Tom to begin to trust his psychotherapist and to develop a therapeutic alliance with her.  He focused mostly on his work and avoided talking about his personal life.

One day, Tom came in and told his therapist that he watched a TV program where a sad young boy was left at home alone most of the time, and this boy would cry a lot when he was alone.  Tom said that while he was watching the program, he realized that he was crying too, but he didn't know why, "It was only a TV program.  I don't know why it would make me sad.  I know it's not real."

He said, even as he sat in his therapist's office now, he felt like crying about the TV program, and he felt silly about this.  In response, his therapist asked Tom if he would be willing to explore this further.  Tom said that, on the one hand, he felt silly wasting his time in therapy talking about a TV program.  But, he said, on the other hand, he realized that he was deeply affected by this program.

As they explored Tom's reaction to the TV program, Tom told his therapist that he felt sorry for the young boy because his parents left him alone and he was lonely and scared.  As he continued to talk about his emotional reaction to the young boy, suddenly he stopped, "Oh my God!  That boy was me!"

With this realization, Tom burst into tears.  He sobbed for a few minutes, and afterwards, when he recovered, he said he now understood why he felt so sad for the boy in the TV program.  He said this boy's story was also his story.

This sudden realization helped Tom to open up in his therapy.  Over the next few months, Tom opened up more about how sad and lonely he felt as a young boy.  Although he was careful not to blame his parents, he now understood how sad and scary it was for him to be alone so much when he was a child.

A big part of his therapy was mourning what he needed but didn't get as a child.  Waves of grief washed over Tom each time.  Afterwards, he said he felt relieved to allow himself to feel his sadness and, eventually, his anger too, at being left alone.

Another part of his therapy was coming to terms with having seen himself for so many years as being "independent," which masked his sadness and loneliness for feeling like he was a burden to his parents when he was younger.

Tom also realized that, on some level, he still felt like people would see him as a burden, and this was why he tended to remain alone.  He assumed that he was an unlovable person that no one would want.  But instead of allowing himself to feel these feelings, before he got to this point in his therapy, he defended against these feelings by having a general disdain for others (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Masking Vulnerability and Shame 

Over time, as Tom continued to work on these issues in therapy, he allowed himself to form better working relationships at work.  He also took risks in his personal life to develop friendships and a romantic relationship.

Conclusion
Children who are physically abused or neglected often develop defense mechanisms to ward off the overwhelming sadness and anger they feel.  As a child, these defense mechanisms work to ward off overwhelming feelings at a time when children don't have anyone to help them to deal with the feelings.

A common defense mechanism is for these children is a pride-based defense of seeing themselves as "independent" rather than face the fact that they are in over their heads trying to take care of themselves.  This defense, which is unconscious, is much easier for them than the underlying shame they really feel for feeling like a burden to their parents.

When these children become adults, they continue to use this defense mechanism to avoid their underlying feelings.  They often have an avoidant attachment style that makes it difficult for them to form relationships with others.  But, in reality, what they perceive as "independence" is really a pseudo-independence that masks shame, hurt and anger.

Sadly, many people live their whole lives warding off their shame, anger and sadness to preserve their false sense of independence and a much-needed false image of "a great childhood."

Often, adults with a false sense of independence, due to childhood neglect or abuse, come to therapy for other reasons.  They might be having problems with relationships at work or in their personal lives.  They might think they have "communication problems."  But the reality is that the problems are much deeper, and it often takes time in therapy for clients to feel safe enough to explore these issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you might have developed defense mechanisms in childhood that are causing you problems as an adult, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you in a way that feels safe for you to deal with these issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Many psychotherapy clients say that, once they have dealt with these underlying issues, they feel so much more alive and energized because they're no longer using so much energy to ward off emotions that are difficult for them.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can live a more authentic and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt: Part 2

In my prior article, Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt - Part 1, I discussed how anger is part of healthy aggression and starts at birth.  I also discussed how problems develop when healthy aggression is short circuited at a young age and continues into adulthood.  In this article, Part 2 of this topic, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate those issues.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt 

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt
Beth began attending psychotherapy after she was passed over for a promotion that she felt sure she was going to get but didn't.  Instead, a colleague, Karen, who used Beth's ideas and presented them to their director as if these ideas were her own, got the promotion that Beth wanted so much.

Beth told her psychotherapist that other colleagues, who knew that Karen took Beth's ideas, told Beth that she should speak with her director and let him know what happened.  But Beth felt too uncomfortable doing that.  She didn't want to "make waves" at the office, so she remained silent.

Beth also told her therapist that other colleagues, who were on the same level as Beth, often dumped projects they didn't want onto Beth to free themselves up for more interesting projects--projects that Beth would like to work on but couldn't because she was weighed down with the less interesting projects.  Friendly colleagues urged her to speak up, but Beth said she was too uncomfortable to assert herself, so she did nothing.

She had been with her company for a little over a year, and she was aware that she was getting a reputation for being a doormat--someone that certain colleagues could take advantage of because they knew she wouldn't stand up for herself.

She was also aware that if she continued to allow others to take advantage of her, her situation at work would only get worse.  She told her psychotherapist that she didn't know how to change these situations, but she wanted to learn how to do it.

As Beth and her psychotherapist explored her family history, Beth revealed that she was raised by a single mother who controlled almost every aspect of Beth's life until Beth moved out five years ago when she turned 25.  Even now that she was living on her own, Beth said, her mother still tried to control certain areas of Beth's life.

She told her therapist that when she told her mother that she was moving out five years ago, her mother was upset.  Her mother told her that she could save so much more money if she continued to live at home.  Beth told her that she wanted to have her own place.  Her mother knew there was nothing she could to stop Beth, but she told Beth, "Okay, go ahead and move out, but you might not find me here one day.  I'm not going to live forever, you know."

Beth was alarmed to hear her mother say this.  She also felt ashamed of her desire to be on her own and guilty for hurting her mother.  This made moving out so much more difficult, but Beth knew it was time to be on her own.  She didn't know how she did it, but she found the courage to move out, even though she felt ashamed of her need to do this and guilty for hurting her mother.

As she recalled her childhood, she told her psychotherapist that she remembered so many other memories of her mother being very uncomfortable when Beth tried to be more independent--from the time she was a young girl wanting to pick out her own clothes to wear to her mother's dismay when Beth told her that she wanted to learn to drive when she was 17.

She told her therapist that her close friends from adolescence, who remained her close friends now, always urged her to stand up to her mother, but Beth felt too guilty to confront her mother.  She was so aware that as single mother, her mother sacrificed a lot for her.  She felt it would be a form of betrayal if she confronted her mother, and she knew her mother would see it that way too.

And, yet, there was another part of her that wanted to be able to stand up to her mother so she wouldn't feel so dominated by her mother.  She would often imagine herself telling her mother that she needed to feel more independent, especially now that she was 30.  But whenever she imagined speaking to her mother about this, she could see how hurt and disappointed her mother looked, and she felt she couldn't risk hurting her mother.  So, her dilemma remained (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Beth's psychotherapist listened empathically and understood that Beth was very ambivalent about what to do.  On the one hand, Beth wanted to feel more autonomous and in control of her life.  But on the other hand, Beth worried that she would hurt her mother.  She felt like she had to either choose to honor her own needs or honor her mother's needs, and she didn't know what to do.

Beth had a lot of insight into her problems, even before she came to therapy.  She knew that her problems with asserting herself were related to her lifelong avoidance of confrontations which were rooted in her relationship with her mother.  She knew, on some level, that she was suppressing her anger, but she couldn't feel it.  She was insightful, but she just didn't know how to make changes.

Listening to Beth, her psychotherapist recognized that there were times when Beth asserted herself, like when she moved out of her mother's place.  So she explained to Beth that everyone is made up of different, and sometimes contradictory, aspects of themselves.  And, her therapist explained, Beth had a part of her that knew how to assert herself--she just didn't know how to access this part of herself (see my articles: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation and Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

Using a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, Beth's therapist helped Beth to go back into the memories of the times when she was able to assert herself with her mother.  At the same time that her psychotherapist helped Beth to access that assertive part of herself, she also helped Beth to manage the guilt and shame that also came up.

Over time, Beth was able to access this more assertive part of herself on her own.  As Beth got more comfortable calling on this more assertive part of herself, her psychotherapist recommended that she practice using this in ways that didn't feel too difficult.  She taught Beth how to put her shame and guilt aside in order to assert herself in small ways at work.

Then, when Beth was more comfortable, her psychotherapist urged her to be more assertive in other more complicated situations at work--like when her colleague tried to use more of Beth's ideas and say that they were hers.  This was more challenging for Beth, but she did it anyway and felt good about herself afterwards.

Over time, Beth was also getting more comfortable and confident with presenting her ideas to her director, especially after she received very positive feedback from the director.

The most challenging ordeal was asserting herself with her mother, who would often come over to Beth's apartment unannounced.  One day, Beth's mother came over when Beth was having dinner with a man she started dating.  Her first inclination was to let her mother in, but then she realized that this would be awkward and it would ruin her date with this man.

So, gathering her courage, she told her mother that she had come at a bad time and she would call her tomorrow.  Her mother, who refused to accept that Beth was an adult--much less as a sexual being, got angry and she left abruptly.  After her mother left, Beth calmed herself and she went back to be with her date.

During her next psychotherapy session, Beth told her therapist that she was able to set a boundary with her mother, but she felt very guilty and ashamed.  She said that she almost called her mother the next day to apologize, but when she thought about how her therapist would respond to this, she decided not to do it (see my article: How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapist).

Beth's psychotherapist understood that there was still much unfinished business from Beth's early childhood, so she recommended that they use EMDR Therapy to work on Beth's unresolved trauma (see my articles: How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain and What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

Several months later, Beth was able to work through her childhood trauma with EMDR therapy.  She felt a lot of compassion for her mother, but she no longer felt shame for having her own needs or guilt for asserting herself with her mother.

She also continued to assert herself at work, and she was promoted a year later into a senior position with a substantial raise.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

Most important of all, Beth no longer feared her anger.  She understood that her anger and its related healthy aggression could be used to mobilize herself to be assertive (see my article: Using Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes in Your Life).

Conclusion
Fear of anger is often coupled with shame and guilt, and these problems are often rooted in early childhood when parents don't allow children to use their healthy aggression to be more autonomous in an age-appropriate way.

Without help, these problems continue into adulthood and usually have a negative impact on your career and personal life.

No matter what kinds of problems you might be having, like everyone else, in order to survive, you have positive internal resources, including various aspects of yourself that have helped you throughout your life.  You might not be aware of these aspects or, if you are, you might not know how to access them on your own to use them now.

Getting Help in Therapy
A psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis and a mind-body oriented modality, like Somatic Experiencing, can help you to access the positive aspects of yourself so you can overcome your problems(see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

In addition, EMDR therapy can help you to overcome unresolved trauma from the past that keeps you stuck now.

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional so you can overcome your history and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome problems that keep them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt - Part 1

In a prior article about fear of anger, Overcoming Fear of Anger, I began a discussion about how this fear is usually rooted in childhood where parents were intolerant of expressions of healthy aggression.  In this article, I'll expand on this topic (also see my articles: Anger as a Secondary Emotion, Using Your Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes in Your Life, and Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

What is Healthy Aggression and How Does It Relate to the Separation-Individuation Process?
Healthy anger is a form of healthy aggression, so before addressing fear of anger, I think it would be helpful to define healthy aggression because this concept is often misunderstood.

Healthy aggression begins on the day you're born (possibly, even before).  Similar to chicks who experience the impetus to leave the egg, healthy aggression is what also causes the infant to leave the womb.  As a child, healthy aggression is what enables a young child to want to feed herself and, later on, learn to tie her own shoes.

Throughout child development, healthy aggression helps a child to want to learn to walk, learn to say "No!," get dressed on his own, and go through a healthy separation-individuation process with his parents.

At each stage, as the child develops, he learns that he is a separate individual from his parents and that she can take age-appropriate steps to make decisions and act more independent.  For a child of three or four who is with parents who allow the separation-individuation process, this might involve making decisions about what she will wear.  This might mean that the child chooses to wear a sweatshirt with a ballet tutu with mismatched patterns.

Even if the parents wouldn't have chosen this combination of clothing for the child, they know that it's important for the child to start making some independent decisions for herself in this way.  Over time, this will help the child to have confidence to make other decisions for herself as time goes by--rather than the parents insisting that they make all of the child's decisions.

The Negative Impact of Healthy Aggression Getting Short Circuited
What if, instead of the parents allowing the child to make her own decisions, they intrude on this process from the time the child is young through adulthood?

If parents have difficulty allowing their child to exercise healthy aggression from a young age, this has negative consequences for the child in terms of psychological development.

For instance, when a newborn wants to get his parents' attention, he will cry--a form of healthy aggression.  If the parents don't come to attend to the baby's needs, he will get even angrier and cry even louder until he works himself into a rage.  If the parents still don't come, he will exhaust himself and, with enough experiences like this, he will eventually learn that to stop crying to get his parents' attention.  He will go into a dissociative state as a survival strategy.

Fear of Anger Often Begins at a Young Age

Even at this young age, an infant learns to adapt to his parents' needs in order to survive.  Under those circumstances, dissociation is adaptive is an instinctual survival strategy so he does not alienate the parents.  But this adaptation has serious negative consequences later on because the child is learning that he has to put his parents' needs before his own.  He will also probably grow up to be an adult who will continue to dissociate and not know his own needs.

Another example is if a young child has the urge to feed himself, when his parent tries to feed him, he might say, "No, I do it!"  If he has never done it before, of course, he's going to make a mess, but this is part of the way he learns.  If a parent can't tolerate seeing the mess, she might interfere with the child's healthy urge to learn to do it himself and insist that she continue to feed him.

Since this child's urge to feed himself is a natural part of developing, this child and parent will probably have a power struggle on their hands with the child insisting that he wants to feed himself and getting angry when the parent insists that she will do it.  In fact, it's probably the first of many power struggles if the parent doesn't realize that this is an important part of the child's development.

But what's going on here?  Why wouldn't a parent allow her child to feed himself (or choose his clothes or tie his shoes later on)?  When asked, the parent might say that she doesn't like the child to make a mess or she can do it faster or more easily, but if someone continued to explore the issue beyond the surface, what probably would come to the surface is that the parent has a fear of allowing the child to grow developmentally and become more independent.

This parent's fear is probably related to her own early family history and fear of eventually being "abandoned" by the child.  Even when a parent knows objectively that children do grow physically and psychologically and that this is normal developmentally, on an emotional level, it can be difficult to accept, especially if a parent has emotional issues that she hasn't worked out for herself.

A parent might see this reluctance to allow the child to grow and separate in age-appropriate ways as her being "protective."  And, while there might be an element of this, it usually has more to do with the parent's own fear of allowing the child to be more independent.

This can go on through the stages of child development so that the child learns that separating and becoming his own person is "bad."  In these kinds of situations, most children learn to sacrifice their own developmental needs in order to maintain an emotional tie with his parents (see my article: Is Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Keeping You From Asserting Yourself?).

Often, in an unspoken way, the message for this child has been all along that meeting his parents' needs is more important than meeting his own needs.  In effect, he learns that if he will maintain a less conflictual relationship with his parents if he ignores his needs.  In this case, healthy aggression is perceived as "bad" because it threatens the bond with the parents.

Healthy aggression, including anger, becomes coupled with fear, shame and guilt:  fear of losing his parents, shame for having his own needs, and guilt for wanting something that is different from his parents.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

Instead of learning over the course of his psychological development that there is such a thing as healthy anger, the child learns that all anger is "bad" and he shouldn't feel it.  As a result, he will have an unhealthy relationship to his own anger.  Either he will learn to dissociate his feelings of anger, deny that he ever feels angry or project his anger onto someone else ("I'm not the one who's angry.  You're the one who's angry").

So, for instance, the child who isn't allowed to engage in healthy aggression (or healthy anger) and who grows up to be an adult that has a negative view of anger won't realize that he can use healthy anger to assert himself or to set healthy boundaries with others.

Instead, this individual develops a fear of anger, which includes shame and guilt.

In my next article, I'll provide a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate these points and how psychotherapy can help.

Conclusion
Fear of anger (or fear of healthy aggression) usually begins at a young age.

If parents, who have their own unresolved emotional issues, cannot tolerate the child's healthy aggression, the child will often grow up fearing his own healthy aggression (or fearing anger) and feeling ashamed and guilty for having his own needs.

Fear, shame and guilt related to anger often results in a person splitting off his awareness of his anger, which can be done through various defense mechanisms.  Also, it often results in the person being afraid to assert himself or set healthy boundaries with others.

Getting Help in Therapy
Fear of anger, which is coupled with shame and guilt, is a common problem for many people, especially women, who are raised to believe that being angry is "bad."

If you're struggling with your own fear of anger or an inability to know your own emotional needs or an inability to assert yourself, you could benefit from psychotherapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand and accept your anger and learn to assert yourself in a healthy way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Growing As An Individual While You're in a Relationship

Many people are afraid of losing their individuality in a relationship so they avoid getting involved until they think they have worked on themselves sufficiently in psychotherapy first.  The idea is that once they have healed the emotional wounds that cause them to fear losing their individuality, they will be ready to enter into a romantic partnership with someone.  This concept is especially common among people who have been hurt in prior relationships.

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

But this is a misconception: Relationships can provide an opportunity to discover parts of yourself and to grow as an individual.  Also, if you're already attending psychotherapy, you have a chance to make healthier choices when choosing a romantic partner and explore and change unhealthy patterns that were problematic in prior relationships (see my articles: Learning From Past Romantic Relationships and Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

Most people need time to heal from the heartbreak of a prior relationship, and everyone is different as to how much time he or she needs.  But this is different from avoiding relationships altogether until you feel you have changed into the new person that you want to be.  It implies an expectation that there will be a life-changing transformation where you know you have "arrived" and now you are ready to have a romantic partner.  

As a psychotherapist in New York City with more than 20 years of experience, I have seen many clients have big breakthroughs in psychotherapy where their life is transformed in life-changing ways.  But I've also seen clients who have a series of smaller breakthroughs over time in therapy that facilitate positive change.  In addition to the transformations possible in psychotherapy, a lifetime offers many opportunities for change and growth. 

So, why wait until you think you have it "all together" before allowing yourself to be in a relationship--especially since relationships offer opportunities to develop and grow as individuals and as a couple?

Fictional Clinical Vignette: You Can Be in a Relationship and Still Grow As An Individual:

The following fictional vignette illustrates how you can be in a relationship and still grow as an individual and how psychotherapy helps:

Cindy

After Cindy went through a painful breakup, she began attending psychotherapy to deal with the end of the relationship (see my article: Healing the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

She explained to her psychotherapist that shortly after their two-year relationship anniversary, Cindy's boyfriend, Dan, told her that he wanted to be free to date other women.  Knowing that Cindy would never be comfortable with opening up their relationship to other people, Dan thought it was best that they breakup.  

Prior to the breakup, Cindy had her doubts as to whether the relationship would survive because every time they got closer, Dan would end the relationship briefly and then regret it and ask Cindy to take him back.  Even though Cindy had also been thinking about possibly ended their on again-off again relationship because it was so chaotic, she took the breakup hard (see my article: The On-Again, Off-Again Relationship).

At first, Cindy thought she and Dan were going through one of their cycles of being together, breaking up and getting back together again.  But as the weeks and then months passed, she lost hope and realized that their relationship was really over this time.

Cindy told her psychotherapist that after the breakup, with the benefit of hindsight, she wondered why she allowed herself to be in a relationship that would fall apart whenever they were most emotionally vulnerable with each other.  She wondered if she didn't feel that she deserved better than this, and if she needed to "learn to be in a relationship" before she entered into another relationship.

As a result, Cindy said, she decided to work on herself in therapy first to understand herself and to learn to be in a relationship before she got into another relationship  Her psychotherapist listened empathetically as Cindy spoke to her about her sadness about the breakup and her fear of getting involved in another relationship (see my article: A Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For a Client).

Her psychotherapist responded that she understood Cindy's need to heal from the breakup, which triggered childhood abandonment issues for Cindy.  She recommended that they use EMDR therapy to help Cindy to resolve her current emotional issues as well as her history of emotional abandonment in her family of origin (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?).

Cindy's therapist also told Cindy didn't need to avoid relationships altogether after she felt she recovered from the breakup.  She explained that Cindy could learn about herself and about how to be in a relationship while being in a relationship.

At that point in therapy, Cindy maintained that she felt it would be unwise for her to begin a new relationship until she learned enough about herself and how to be in a relationship.  She was sure she would make all the same mistakes again that she made with Dan and prior boyfriends.  She felt too emotionally vulnerable to even consider a relationship, so her psychotherapist told her to do what she thought was best for herself and, at the same time, keep an open mind that she might be able to enter into another relationship before she felt she knew how to be in a relationship.

Over the next several months, Cindy was able to work through much of her grief about the breakup with EMDR therapy, and she and her psychotherapist began working on her earlier abandonment issues related to her family.

It was at that point when she met Sam in a writing class.  Although she was hesitant, Cindy accepted his invitation to go for coffee.  She felt the chemistry between them immediately, but she told herself that she wouldn't allow herself to get romantically involved with Sam because she wasn't ready.

After the writing class was over and Sam asked her out on a date where it was clear that he was interested in more than just a friendship, Cindy told him that she enjoyed his company, but she wanted to remain friends because she wasn't ready to get involved with anyone.  Sam told her that he could accept this and told her that he wouldn't pressure her for anything more.

A few days later, in her psychotherapy session, Cindy talked about Sam and how relieved she was that he could accept a friendship.  She acknowledged that she was physically attracted to him and enjoyed his company, but she remained adamant that she wanted to learn to be in a relationship in therapy first before she got involved with anyone.  

Her psychotherapist told her that going out on a date was different from being in a relationship and Cindy might enjoy herself if she went out with Sam--if she was willing to take the risk.  She also told her that many people learn to be in a relationship with the experience of actually being in a relationship.  But Cindy wasn't open to even dating.

During the next few weeks, Cindy continued to meet Sam for coffee and occasionally for brunch.  When Cindy saw that Sam understood that their get-togethers weren't dates, she allowed herself to enjoy their time together more.  

Then, one day, Cindy walked into her local coffee shop and happened to see Sam at a table talking and laughing with another woman.  Rather than acknowledging his presence, Cindy left the coffee shop quickly feeling shaken up.  Surprised by her reaction, she went back to her apartment and sat for a long time trying to sort out her feelings.

Later that afternoon, Cindy saw her psychotherapist and told her about her reaction when she saw Sam with another woman.  She told her how surprised she was that it upset her because she considered Sam to be a friend.  

During that therapy session, Cindy realized that she had developed romantic feelings for Sam that she had suppressed until she was confronted with seeing him involved with another woman.  She told her therapist that she now felt confused about her ambivalence, which she continued to explore in subsequent therapy sessions.

When Cindy met Sam again for coffee to share their writing, Sam mentioned that he happened to notice Cindy leave the coffee shop a few weeks before.  He said he wanted to try to catch her to introduce Cindy to his cousin, but she walked out so quickly that he didn't have a chance.

On hearing that the woman he was with was his cousin, Cindy felt a great sense of relief and blurted out, "Oh, that was your cousin?"

Sam smiled, "So you did see me and you left. I thought so, but I wasn't sure--until now.  Why did you leave without coming over to say hello?"

Cindy didn't respond.  She was annoyed with herself for revealing that she had seen Sam before she walked out of the coffee shop.  Although she was relieved that he wasn't with a date, she wondered if he was seeing someone else.  She knew she couldn't expect him to remain alone.

When Cindy didn't respond, Sam teased her, "Did you think I was on a date?"

Becoming increasingly uncomfortable, Cindy got up and began making an excuse as to why she had to leave, but Sam asked her to stay and to talk to him about what was going on.  He told her that he still liked her and he would like to go out on date with her.

Taking a deep breath and laughing at herself, Cindy let down her guard and told Sam that she would like to go out on a date with him too.  Soon after that, they began seeing each other regularly.

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

Although Cindy was still afraid to allow herself to develop deeper feelings for Sam, she was able to talk to her psychotherapist about it during their sessions.  Over time, she realized in therapy that she was much more confident and resilient than she ever thought herself to be.

As she dated Sam and their feelings deepened, they were able to negotiate being two autonomous individuals in a relationship.  They spent time together and they also gave each other space.  Over time, she learned to trust that he wouldn't abandon her.  More importantly, she learned to trust herself that she could be in a relationship and figure things out as she went along, especially with the help of her psychotherapist.

Over time, Cindy and Sam shared their observations about each other.  Cindy was often surprised at how perceptive Sam was about her, and how he was able to see things about her that she hadn't realized.  She realized that, in addition to developing her own insights about herself, she could also learn about herself through Sam's eyes because she could trust him and he was insightful. 

From spending time with her and reading her writing, Sam helped Cindy to see the parts of herself that she hid from herself and others, which gave her a lot to think about and talk about in her therapy.

Cindy also shared her observations about him with Sam, and she was glad that he was open to this.  She felt she was healing emotionally in this relationship, and they were both growing with each other. 

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

Cindy told her psychotherapist that she recognized that her relationship with Sam was much healthier than any other relationship she had ever had.  She liked that they could grow together in this relationship.  She had never experienced this before in a relationship.  She also liked that they were each in therapy focusing on their individual needs while they also met each other's emotional needs.

While she still had some fears of being in a relationship, she realized that she was ready to take the risk that she was resilient enough to deal with issues as they came up.

Conclusion

Many people believe that they must work on themselves in therapy first to learn to be a healthy individual and how to be in a healthy relationship before they allow themselves to enter into a relationship. This is a misconception because, especially if you're in therapy where you can work on whatever issues come up.

You can be in a relationship and still grow as an individual.  You don't have to wait until you have it "all together" before you're in a relationship.  Developing insight into yourself as well as seeing yourself through someone else's eyes, especially someone that you love and trust, can help you to grow.

Getting Help in Therapy

Psychotherapy provides an opportunity to heal and grow (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you're struggling with a problem that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma therapist have helped many clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative" Emotions

In a prior article, Overcoming Fear of Anger, I discussed fear of anger and how psychotherapy can help.  But anger isn't the only so-called "negative" emotion that people often fear.  Aside from anger, many people fear sadness and grief.  There are also people who fear any strong emotion, including joy and happiness because of their history (see my article: Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Be Happy?).

Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative" Emotions

Why Are People Afraid of Experiencing "Negative" Emotions?
First, let me clarify that there's really no such thing as a "negative emotion," which is why I put quotes around the word "negative."  All emotions are normal.  It's what you do with your emotions that makes the difference.

So, I'm distinguishing feeling emotions vs. behavior.  If you get angry and you get violent, that's obviously a big problem.  But there's nothing wrong with feeling angry.  As I mentioned, it's what you do with it that matters.  Aside from getting violent, if you hold onto anger and resentment and, over time, you're unable to let go of these feelings, then this is a problem (see my article: Holding Onto Anger is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die and Letting Go of Resentment).

There is no one reason why people have fear of experiencing anger, sadness or grief, but for many people, it's about a fear of being engulfed or shattered by the emotion.  So, people with this fear often use various defense mechanisms to ward off what they consider unpleasant emotions.

Under optimal circumstances, children learn from their parents at a young age, in an age-appropriate way, how to deal with emotions that are uncomfortable for them.  If a child's parents are able to remain relatively calm when a child has a temper tantrum and help the child to calm down, the child learns that he can be angry; his parents aren't going to be angry with him because he's angry; and his parents will help him to calm down.

Conversely, if a child gets angry and the parents' reaction is to get angry too, then the child internalizes that his anger is "bad."  If the parents scold the child for having a temper tantrum and then isolate him in his room, this also gives the child the message that being angry is "bad" and he doesn't learn how to express his emotions in a healthy way.

Instead, the child learns that he has to hide his anger and not show it.  As a result, he grows up to be an adult who uses various defense mechanisms to defend against his anger and hide it from others and from himself.

Common Defense Mechanisms:

• Denial: "I'm not angry." or "I never get angry."
• Acting out: extreme behavior to express thoughts or feelings
• Dissociation: zoning out and disconnecting from feelings
• Projection: "I'm not angry--you're angry."
• Rationalization: "Getting angry won't help me."
• Intellectualization: Using intellect to disconnect from feelings
• Regression: Going back to an earlier stage of development
• Reaction Formation: Converting uncomfortable and unwanted feelings into the opposite feelings

and so on.

Temporarily Compartmentalizing Emotions vs Repressing Emotions
Warding off uncomfortable feelings indefinitely by using defense mechanisms is different from temporarily compartmentalizing feelings under particular circumstances.

For instance, if a manager is giving a presentation to senior managers and a thought crosses his mind about his father who recently died, he would want to wait until he had privacy to experience his emotions, so he would probably compartmentalize his grief and sadness temporarily until he had privacy to express them.  This would be a healthy coping strategy, and it's different from pushing down emotions indefinitely (How Compartmentalization Can Be Used as a Healthy Short Term Coping Strategy).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Overcoming Your Fear of So-Called "Negative" Emotions
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how psychotherapy can help a client to overcome fear of uncomfortable emotions:

Nina
Immediately after Nina's mother died unexpectedly, Nina got involved in a whirlwind of activities so that she almost always had something planned.  She feared that if she wasn't busy all the time that she would be engulfed by grief (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions).

A few months later, Nina began getting headaches and she felt fatigued.  Her doctor ruled out any medical reasons.  When he asked her about what had been going on in her life in the last few months, Nina mentioned that her mother died unexpectedly.  She also mentioned that she was dealing with her grief by "keeping busy" most of the time (see my article: Are You Keeping Busy to Avoid Uncomfortable Emotions?).

When her doctor asked Nina if she allowed herself time to experience her grief, Nina was confused because she didn't understand why she would do that.  So, her doctor explained that grief is a normal reaction to losing a loved one and continuing to suppress her grief would be emotionally and physically unhealthy for her.

Overcoming Your Fear of Your So-Called "Negative" Emotions

He also told her that her headaches and fatigue might be the result of all this pent up emotion that she was suppressing.  Her fatigue might also be related to keeping herself constantly busy.  He recommended that Nina seek help from a psychotherapist.

Reluctantly, Nina began seeing a psychotherapist, who provided Nina with psychoeducation about grief being a normal and common reaction to the loss of her mother, and how psychotherapy could help her (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

When her psychotherapist asked Nina about her family background, including how family members dealt with so-called "negative" emotions, like anger, sadness and grief, Nina told her that her parents would discourage her from being upset when she was a child.  They didn't like when Nina was sad and cried or got angry.  They would punish her.  So, Nina learned to suppress her emotions.

As they talked about Nina's discomfort with her feelings, Nina said, "I don't see how it would help me to allow myself to feel sad.  That won't bring my mother back."

Her psychotherapist explained defense mechanisms to Nina, and she spoke to her specifically about the defense mechanism of rationalization, which is the defense that Nina was using.  Then, she asked Nina if she was afraid of allowing herself to feel grief about her mother's death.

Nina thought about it for a few seconds, and then she said, "I guess I am afraid of feeling grief.  Sometimes, I can't help it--I just think about losing my mother and I cry, but I hate to cry and find some way to distract myself."

Over time, Nina and her psychotherapist worked to help Nina feel more comfortable with her emotions in a gradual way so that she didn't feel overwhelmed by them.  As Nina developed more of a tolerance for these emotions, she was able to allow herself to feel her grief (How Psychotherapy Helps You to Expand Your Window of Tolerance).

As Nina's ability to experience her emotions expanded, she felt relieved to experience her emotions rather than suppress them.  Her headaches and fatigue disappeared and, overall, she felt better.  She realized that emotions came in "waves" and her fear that she would be engulfed by her grief, as if it was a tsunami, was unfounded.

Conclusion
All emotions are normal.  What you do with your emotions is the real issue.

People who have a fear of experiencing their "negative" emotions usually don't learn as a child how to feel their emotions.  As adults, they continue to suppress what they consider to be uncomfortable emotions, these emotions are often somatized (i.e., the experiencing or expressing psychological problems in a physical way) with headaches, stomachaches, back pain, and so on.

Some people "medicate" their emotional pain by drinking excessively, abusing drugs, gambling compulsively and so on, in an attempt to shut down these emotions.

Even if someone didn't learn as a child how to experience uncomfortable emotions, she can learn how to cope with emotions in a healthy way in psychotherapy.

Getting Help in Psychotherapy
If you're struggling with emotions that make you feel uncomfortable, you can learn to experience your emotions in a healthy way in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A licensed mental health professional can help you to deal with emotions that make you feel uncomfortable so that you're no longer using defense mechanisms or somatizing to ward off these emotions (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Allowing yourself to experience a full range of emotions can help you to feel alive, and it can add meaning to your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and their fear of experiencing uncomfortable emotions.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.