Being Honest in Your Relationship: Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

The expression "Taking time apart" is often used by one or both people in a relationship when what they really mean is "Let's breakup."  In my prior articles, I've addressed the issue of being honest in relationships (see my articles: Relationships and Lies of Omission).

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

In this article, I'm addressing an important issue that often leaves people feeling betrayed because of the lack of honesty involved.

I hope to encourage people in a relationship that really know it's over to be honest rather than giving your spouse or partner false hope in order to avoid the unpleasantness of a breakup.

Of course, there are times when one or both people aren't sure if they want to stay together or not and "taking time apart" is a way for each of them to discover how they really feel about the relationship.  As long as both people are as honest as they can be with themselves and with each other, I don't see a problem with this (see my article: Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?)

What I'm referring to is a situation where, usually, one person really wants to leave the relationship and the other wants to try to salvage it.  The one who wants to leave knows it's over, but s/he wants to avoid the messiness of a breakup by calling it "time apart" rather than being honest that s/he knows they're not getting back together once they've parted.

This leads to false hope for the one who wants to stay and overall misunderstandings.

I've seen this dynamic many times in couples therapy where a couple comes to talk about relationship issues and, sometimes in the first session, the one who originally said they wanted to take a break reveals that s/he wants it to be over and then says that the other individual in the relationship should use the therapy session for him or herself.

In those instances, the one who wants "out" knew all along that, even though s/he agreed to couples sessions, s/he planned to leave the partner off in my office so that I could be the one to deal with the partner's heartbreak over the breakup.

In those circumstances, the person who wanted to salvage the relationship is not only heartbroken but also feels betrayed because it quickly becomes apparent that this was the intention all along of coming to the therapy session--to avoid taking responsibility for ending the relationship and the emotional aftermath that goes with that.

Not only is this unfair to the partner who wants to remain, it's also unfair the person who wanted to end it.  Even when someone knows that it's over, s/he usually has feelings about it.  There might be feelings of relief, but there is usually sadness too because most relationships, even ones that are ending, had good aspects to them at some point.  There was love at one point and other positive emotions.  It's not like throwing away yesterday's newspaper.

There is a responsibility, in most circumstances, to a spouse or partner to be your "best self" when  you're breaking up and this involves honesty, kindness and a willingness to help him or her to understand what's happening in the relationship.  (I say "in most circumstances" because there are times when it's too dangerous to stay in a relationship.  If a spouse or partner is being abusive, the person who is leaving may have to seek safety for him or herself and the children.  Then, once everyone is safe, s/he can use the social service system to negotiate the problems.)

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette, which is based on many different cases, to understand this phenomenon.

Mary and Dan
Mary and Dan had been living together for 10 years.  During the last year, they had been arguing a lot about money, whether or not to have children, and whether to stay in NYC or to move.

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

They were both in their 20s when they originally got together and these issues weren't on their minds.  But during the last two years, Mary told Dan that she wanted to get pregnant because she feared that if she waited any longer, she might not be able to have children.

Dan told her that, even though he liked children, he wasn't sure if he wanted to have children at this point.  He also wanted to leave NYC and move out West.  But Mary said she couldn't leave her job now because her career in her company was just starting to take off in a big way.

Mary wanted to save more money, but Dan liked to spend freely.

After months of bickering, Dan told Mary that he thought it was best that they "take time apart." He proposed that he move out for a couple of months so they could each have time and "space" from each other.

Mary wasn't in favor of Dan moving out, but he assured her that this would only be temporary and he wasn't breaking up with her.

Reluctantly, Mary agreed to this, but it still made her feel anxious.  She had childhood memories of her parents "trial separation" when her father told her mother that he needed his "space," but shortly afterwards, he filed for divorce.  This made Mary suspicious about Dan's intentions, but she had only known Dan to be honest and she decided to take him at his word.

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

They set the terms of their temporary separation--they would have occasional phone contact, but not see each other for the next two months.  At that point, according to Dan, he wanted to them to talk again about their issues without arguing.

Mary was lonely and worried during their separation.  She really wanted to work things out.

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

Six weeks into their separation, Dan told Mary that he would like to attend couples counseling because he felt it would help them.  Mary took this as a hopeful sign that Dan was serious about resolving their problems so she agreed.

During their consultation with a couples therapist, Mary spoke first.  She talked about how much she loved Dan and wanted to work things out.  She said she was happy that he was open to seeing a couples therapist so they could get help.

When it was Dan's turn to speak, he spoke directly to the couples therapist, he told her that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship and he wanted to come to the session so that Mary would have a place to talk about the breakup.

Both Mary and the couples therapist were surprised because this isn't how Dan originally presented what he wanted.  But based on his confident tone and demeanor, it was obvious that he had already made up his mind.

Stunned, Mary asked him how long he knew that he wanted to end the relationship, and Dan admitted that he knew it before they separated, but he thought that "time apart" would make it easier for both of them rather than telling Mary before he moved out.

Mary was angry and sad.  She told Dan how betrayed she felt that he wasn't honest with her from the beginning.

Dan reluctantly agreed to come to three more sessions for closure.  He would have preferred to not return and to leave Mary to work things out with the therapist.  However, he also felt guilty for hurting Mary, which wasn't his intention.

As he talked about his family background, it became clear that he came from a family that avoided talking about sensitive issues, which was why his arguments with Mary were so difficult for him.  He was able to recognize in therapy that he was being avoidant and he approached the breakup in a dishonest and hurtful way.

Mary remained in therapy to deal with the heartbreak of the current breakup as well as the early unresolved childhood trauma of her parents' divorce.  With time, she was able to work through her feelings (see my article:  Learning From Past Romantic Relationships).

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

Eventually, she was able safe enough to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to date again, looking for the qualities in a romantic partner that she now recognized were very important to her.

Conclusion
Breakups aren't easy.  No one wants to go through the pain of a breakup, but being honest about your feelings to yourself as well as to your partner is best for both of you.

Breaking up is hard enough without adding dishonest and feelings of betrayal to your problems.

You might have a history of being avoidant in terms of dealing with difficult feelings and, if so, you could benefit from getting help in therapy to be able to cope with and express difficult feelings.

Even if you feel you're avoiding the unpleasantness with the current breakup, you'll probably face the same issues in the future in other relationships where emotional honesty is so important.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you're seeking help for yourself or as a couple, a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with relationship issues can help to either salvage the relationship or make the transition to breaking up.

If you're seeking couples therapy, it's important that both of you feel comfortable with the therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than waiting for the situation to get worse, you owe it to yourself and to your partner to get help.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked successfully with many individuals and couples on relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

In my last two articles, I focused on expectations and promises.  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on broken promises with regard to infidelity and how it's possible for a relationship to survive this betrayal.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

Broken Promises: Infidelity
Infidelity is a broken promise that many people in relationships have to face.

Depending upon the relationship, how stable it was before the infidelity, the history of each person in the relationship, and other important factors, including prior history of infidelity, some relationships survive and others don't.

No one can tell you what's right for you when you're dealing with infidelity in your relationship--not your family, friends or your therapist.

People often think that they would never stick around in a relationship where their spouse cheated.  But once they're faced with actually dealing with infidelity, they might feel differently about it, especially if it's a long term relationship where each person feels that he or she might have invested a lot in the relationship before the infidelity came to light.

Restoring Trust: The Person Who Cheated Has an Emotional Transformation
Each person is different in terms of how s/he responds to infidelity, even when s/he has made a decision to try to work it out.

It can take a long time for the person who has been betrayed to overcome the anger, sadness and mistrust that infidelity engenders.

Although it's important for the person who cheated to feel sincere remorse, it's not enough for the person who cheated to apologize.

To help restore trust, the person who cheated must be able to explain what was going on for him or her internally that caused him or her to cheat.

There might have been external factors that contributed to the infidelity, but the most important factor in this situation is for the person who cheated to be able to discover, usually in therapy, what was going on in his or her internal world that led to the infidelity.

Not only would this demonstrate that s/he is taking responsibility, but it also shows, hopefully, that there is a possibility for an emotional transformation--a profound emotional shift.  And this profound emotional shift, which is a genuine emotional breakthrough, can bring about the change that the betrayed spouse needs to see in order to trust again.

There's no way to predict in advance how long, if ever, it will take the spouse who has been betrayed to heal from the betrayal, even if the spouse who cheated has a genuine emotional breakthrough.  So, it's important for the spouse who cheated to be very patient.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette, which is based on many different cases, to see how this can happen in therapy.

Peg and Ed
Peg found out about Ed's infidelity when she signed onto the computer at home and discovered emails of a sexual nature on Ed's email account.

Peg wasn't snooping. Ed left the computer on, and the sexual subject line in an email caught Peg's eye.  As she clicked on the email, Peg discovered that Ed had been having a long distance affair with another woman.

One email led to another email, and as the extramarital affair was exposed, Peg realized that Ed had been cheating on him with woman in California during his business trips.

Peg was shocked.  She could hardly believe that her husband, whom she had always thought of as being kind and faithful, could have done this.  But the proof was in front of her eyes, the emails back and forth between the other woman and her husband.

When Ed got home from work, Peg confronted him with the emails.  At first, he denied it.  He told Peg that he didn't know who this woman was and someone must have hacked into his email.

Broken Promise - Surviving Infidelity

Then, Ed got quiet.  He hung his head down in shame looking away from Peg, and he admitted that he had been having an affair for several months with a woman that he met at a bar in California.  He hastened to say that he didn't have serious feelings for this woman and he was very sorry.  He never meant to hurt Peg.

Peg asked Ed to move out for a few weeks to give her time to think about what she wanted to do.  At that point, she wasn't sure if she wanted to remain in the marriage or she wanted to end it (see my article:

After a month, Ed asked Peg if she would consider going to see a couples therapist to talk about what happened.  Reluctantly, Peg agreed.  Ed wanted to save their marriage, but Peg wasn't sure what she wanted to do.  At that point, she mostly felt emotionally numb.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

The couples counselor that they consulted with recommended that they each see separate therapists for individual therapy so that they could each work on how the infidelity affected them.

Ed remained with the couples therapist who had a specialty in working with infidelity, and she referred Peg to another therapist.

In the meantime, they continued to live apart and maintained minimal contact by phone.  Although Ed wanted to come home, this was all that Peg could tolerate at that point.

In Peg's therapy, she was able to talk freely about her shock, anger and sadness about the infidelity.  Deep down, she knew that she still loved Ed, but she didn't know if she could forgive him.

Initially, Ed blamed the infidelity on the fact that he and Peg were only having sex about once a month and it felt routine.

When he met the a young, attractive woman, Tania, at the bar, they had both had one too many drinks.  She came onto him and, before he knew it, they were back in her room having the most passionate sex that he had ever had.  It made him feel young, sexy and attractive in a way that he had never felt.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

After the first time, Ed knew that he had made a mistake and vowed to himself that he wouldn't see Tania again.  But she kept calling and emailing him sexy pictures of herself telling him that there would be "no strings attached," she just really loved having sex with him.

Even though he knew he should have avoided Tania, he was drawn to her each time that he went to California for a business trip, which was happening with increased regularity because of a new business  deal.

After a while, it got easier for him to lie to Peg about being in late night meetings in California so he could spend all of his free time with Tania.  Even though he loved Peg and he wasn't in love with Tania, he felt obsessed with his sexual relationship with Tania.  He describe it as feeling like he was "addicted" to her.

Sex with Tania was constantly on his mind, and all he could think about was the next time that he would see her.  Between his trips to California, he even flew Tania in a few times so that they could spend weekends together in a hotel in New York.  During those times, he lied to Peg and told her that he was away on business.

Whenever he was with Tania, he felt happy and alive.  She was constantly telling him how sexy and attractive he was--things that Peg never told him.  He loved her wild, free spirit and how she pushed him to be more open and daring sexually.

At first, although Ed said he took responsibility for his behavior, he also blamed Peg for always being tired or disinterested in sex.  He said he had "sexual needs" that weren't being fulfilled in his marriage and, even though he never sought out an affair, he felt he couldn't resist this attractive, sexy woman who threw herself at him.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

His therapist called Ed on the excuses and asked him if he ever spoke to Peg about feeling dissatisfied with their sex life.  Reluctantly, Ed admitted that he had not.

Then, his therapist told him that he was making excuses for his behavior by blaming Peg, and she told him that if there was any hope of salvaging his marriage, he would have to look deep within himself to discover what caused him to cheat on his wife.  That would be his only hope for trying to get Peg to trust him again and to believe that it wouldn't happen again.

They also talked about the fact that Ed left the computer open with his emails exposed for Peg to find.  On an unconscious level, did he want Peg to find out?  He and his therapist explored this.

Over time, Ed's therapist helped him to look beyond the surface and delve into the underlying issues.

Not surprisingly, these issues had nothing to do with Peg or his marriage to Peg.  They involved long-standing feelings of inferiority and unattractiveness that went back to a young age when his family would tease him for being overweight, calling him "an ugly duckling."

Even though Ed had lost the weight when he was in college, he still harbored this deep sense of inferiority.  Peg was his first and only girlfriend when they met in college.  He had never had sex with another woman--until he met Tania.

Although he loved Peg, he felt like he "missed out" on dating other young women at college.  So, when he met Tania, he felt like a young man again.  Even though he felt ashamed to say it, he realized that knowing that she found him attractive and that she wanted to have sex with him, made him feel good about himself.

This helped him to realize that he wasn't "addicted" to Tania, he was really drawn to how his affair with her made him feel about himself.  It also helped him to realize that he had been carrying around this sense of inferiority without realizing it for a long time.

Realizing this was an emotional breakthrough for Ed.  He understood that he was still responsible for his behavior, but now everything made sense to him.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

He and his therapist were able to work directly on his longstanding feelings of inferiority to enhance his sense of self worth.  He mourned for all the years that he harbored his low sense of self and gained new confidence in himself.  He knew now that he would never need to resort to having an affair again to feel good about himself.

Ed blocked Tania's emails and text messages, and he erased her number.  He had no desire to be with her ever again.

Eventually, Peg joined Ed so that he could talk to her about the emotional breakthrough that he had in therapy and to assure her that it would never happen again.

Peg was happy for Ed and, for the first time, she felt there was a real possibility for reconciliation because she believed that Ed had undergone a transformation in therapy.

Over the next several months, they worked at reconciling and repairing their relationship.

Conclusion
Discovering the internal experiences that led to the infidelity doesn't excuse the infidelity.  It's not a justification.  But it helps both spouses to understand what drove it so that the person who cheated can work on these factors in therapy to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

In order to trust again, the spouse who was betrayed needs to know that the spouse who cheated has undergone an emotional transformation that leads to a major shift emotionally as well as in terms of behavior.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

Surviving infidelity isn't easy or quick--if it happens at all.

It requires a commitment from both people.

Often the underlying issues are unconscious and longstanding.

There is often a need to do grief work to grieve for earlier losses as well as the loss of innocence and trust in the current relationship.

Both people need to be patient and there is no way to predict how long it could take to restore trust.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many couples, who experience infidelity in their relationship, avoid coming to therapy because they feel ashamed, angry and hopeless about salvaging their relationship.

Many relationships fall apart after infidelity is discovered, and there's no way to predict which relationships will survive and which ones will end.

Doing nothing and trying to "put it behind you" or "start over" almost never works because nothing has changed.  Neither person has gained insight into what and why things happened.

Some couples need individual therapy before they can come together for couples therapy in order for each person to understand how s/he feels and the underlying emotions experienced by each person.

Getting help in therapy can help to save your relationship if you're serious about making a commitment to change.

Don't wait until it's too late.  Get help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples with infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Keeping Your Promises

In a prior article, Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations and Beliefs That Are Harmful to You, I discussed how family expectations and beliefs that are unhealthy can lead to an individual making a promise that can't be kept.

Keeping Your Promises

In the fictionalized vignette in that article, a young girl makes a promise to her grandmother and her mother that, when she becomes an adult, she will follow the family legacy of being the adult daughter who takes care of her mother when her mother becomes unable to take care of herself.

Keeping Your Promises

Part of that promise is that she won't place her mother in a nursing home no matter what happens.  But, eventually, when she becomes an adult, she is unable to keep this promise because she can no longer maintain her mother at home, as per her mother's doctor's recommendations.  It has become impossible in terms of what the mother needs medically as well as the toll that it is taking on her and her husband.

One of the points of that vignette is to demonstrate how challenging it can be to come up against certain family legacies that have been maintained for generations.  In the case of this vignette, the expectation is that the adult daughter takes care of the elderly mother until the end of the mother's life without complaining or calling on their brothers for help.

Another important point is that these family dynamics are so ingrained that they are often out of the awareness of the individual.  They are often unconscious until a person comes to therapy and the therapist helps the individual to discover these unconscious beliefs which are at the root of the problem.

In the case of this vignette, the adult daughter's unconscious belief were that she would be a "bad daughter" and a "bad person" if she broke her promise to her mother and grandmother by breaking with  a longstanding tradition in her family.

In this type of situation, even when a person understands logically that it would be detrimental to a loved one's health to keep this kind of promise, the unconscious belief can be so powerful that the person can still feel, on an emotional level, that they're "bad."  So, this is why it's so important for the therapist to work in an experiential way gets to the unconscious dynamics.

Most people would agree that, as in the case of this vignette, young children should never be put in the position of being asked to make such a promise.  Not only do they lack the capacity to understand at such a young age what they're agreeing to, but it also places a terrible burden on them.  And, as in the vignette discussed in the last article, it was a promise that eventually couldn't be kept because to do so would have been detrimental to everyone involved, especially the elderly mother.

What is a Promise?
On the most basic level, according to Merriam-Webster, the definition of a promise is "a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified."

What is a Promise?

When you make a promise, you're giving your word that you will keep your commitment.

Promises range from the ordinary, like making a promise to meet someone for dinner, to life changing events like pledging lifelong fidelity during a marriage ceremony.

Keeping or Breaking Your Promises
As an adult, before you make a promise it's important to consider beforehand whether you'll be able to keep that promise.

Of course, you can only work with the information that you have at hand, things change and there might be times when you're unable to keep your promise.  Most people will understand if, for example, occasionally, you have to cancel a dinner because you have an emergency at home.  But, generally speaking, when you make a promise, the other person expects you to maintain your commitment, so it's important to think first before making promises.

If you're in the habit of breaking promises, you might want to look at some of the questions below and consider these issues before making a promise.

What to Consider Before Making a Promise:

• Ask yourself why you're considering making a promise.  
• Are you doing it for yourself or primarily for the other person?  
• If you're not sure, it might be better to figure this out before making the promise, especially if it's a situation where the other person is really depending upon you in a critical matter. For instance, if you make a hasty promise to get the other person off your back, you and s/he might come to regret it when you're unable to fulfill your commitment.
• Are you taking into consideration all your other commitments?  
• Is it realistic for you to make this promise in light of the other obligations that you have in your life?  
• Are you over-committed already?
• Is this a promise that you're likely to keep?  
• There are some promises that are unlikely to be kept because we're human and we make mistakes.  For instance, if a husband promises his wife, "I'll never hurt you," can he really say that he'll never say or do anything in their marriage that will never hurt his wife?  Hopefully, there won't be anything that's big, like infidelity, but just about everyone in a long-term relationship, at some point, says or does something hurtful, even if it's only an angry look or a snarky comment made without thinking.  In most relationships, these issues are usually overcome if everything else is going well.  But no one can promise to be perfect in this way.

How to Handle a Broken Promise Under Ordinary Circumstances
There are times when you're not going to be able to keep your promise.  For example, I'm referring to an ordinary commitment that you've made to see a friend for dinner.  I'm not referring in this section to big important promises, like a promise to be faithful in your relationship, which I'll deal with in a future article.

Take Responsibility and Give as Much Notice as Possible

As I mentioned, most people will understand if, on occasion, you have to reschedule a dinner, as long as you don't have a pattern of breaking these commitments.

The important thing is to be as considerate as you can to the person that you made a commitment with by:

• Taking responsibility for breaking the commitment, even if it's unavoidable.  Acknowledging that you're breaking a promise shows that you understand that, even under unavoidable circumstances, you are aware that it's an inconvenience for the other person.
• Giving that person as much advanced notice as possible so s/he can make other plans or adjust their schedules accordingly.
• If possible, make an attempt to reschedule with your friend.
• Keep these broken commitments to a minimum by taking into account the questions outlined above before you make the commitment.

Feeling Good About Yourself By Keeping Your Promises and Commitments
When you can fulfill your promises and commitments, not only does it help you to strengthen and maintain your relationships with others, it also makes you feel good about yourself.

Keeping Your Promises Strengthens Your Relationships and Helps You to Feel Good About Yourself

When you keep your promises, you feel like a confident and trustworthy person.

Making it habit to keep your promises also helps you to continue developing your skill to keep your commitments in the future.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to help them with their commitments in their personal life as well as in their career.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations and Beliefs That Are Harmful to You

Many families have longstanding beliefs and expectations that are passed on from one generation to the next.  When they work well, these dynamics can create a nurturing family bond and a sense of well-being.  But some beliefs and expectations can be detrimental to your well-being.  They can also be the unconscious source of your unhappiness (see my article: How Your Unconscious Beliefs Affect Your Sense of Reality).

 

Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations That Are Harmful to You

Often, there is a perception that some of these expectations might have worked well for earlier generations, and it is usually assumed, especially by older family members, that the younger generation will continue to maintain them.

Even when these family expectations haven't worked well, it's often not addressed for fear of upsetting the family "apple cart."

Under those circumstances, it becomes part of the "family myth" that the expectations and beliefs are healthy and everyone is satisfied with them (even when they're not, but they're too afraid to say it).

Examples of possible beliefs and expectations that become part of the family legacy and that are unhealthy are:

• Family members should never talk about family matters outside of the family.
• Family members always take care of older family members (this is usually an expectation of the daughters in the family).
• Family members never move far away geographically from their parents and grandparents.
• Family members shouldn't succeed beyond their parents' success.
• Family members should never change their religion or faith of origin
• Family members should never question longstanding family beliefs and expectations.
• Children, even adult children, should know that their parents know what's best and they should never go against their parents' beliefs.

And so on.

The reason why not going along with these expectations can be so challenging is that family members, who are invested in maintaining them, often don't understand why certain individuals balk at them.  They feel threatened and feel the well-being of the family is threatened by individuals who refuse to perpetuate these dynamics or who even question them.

An even more challenging problem is that individuals who feel burdened by these expectations are often unaware that these dynamics are making them unhappy.  Often, they come into therapy with a sense that they are under a lot of "stress," but they don't understand why they're under stress.

On their own, they're unable to pinpoint the source of what's making them unhappy.  This is where therapy with a therapist who works experientially can be helpful (see my article:  Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).  Experiential therapy helps clients in therapy to have a "felt sense" of the underlying issues and helps to achieve psychological breakthroughs.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette, which is common for many people who come to therapy, and illustrates these points:  

Mary
Mary, who was in her 50s, came to therapy because she was under a lot of "stress" as mother's primary caregiver.

Mary wasn't sleeping well, so she asked her therapist to help her to manage her stress.

Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations That Are Harmful to You

As she described a typical day, Mary told her therapist about how she gets up early in the morning to dress and feed her mother while they waited for the mother's home attendant to come.

She talked about how she checked in with her mother by phone several times a day and listened to her mother complain about the home attendant.  This was the fourth home attendant that they had in six months, and Mary feared that the agency wouldn't send anyone else because her mother kept finding faults with all of them.

Mary sensed that her mother was angry with her for leaving her with a home attendant, but neither she nor her husband could afford to quit their jobs to stay home with Mary's mother.

When she got home, her mother often barely spoke to her.  Mary would try to engage her mother in conversation to cheer her up, but her mother ignored her and watched TV instead.  This was frustrating and hurtful for Mary.

During those days when she knew her mother was annoyed and not talking to her, she would make her mother's favorite meals, but her mother would complain about the food and refuse to eat.

Getting her mother ready for bed was frustrating, especially if her mother was in a bad mood.

By the next morning, Mary was exhausted. She was often late for work and when she got there, she could barely hold her eyes open at work.  She worried that she might eventually lose her job if she didn't start getting to work on time and she wasn't more alert at work.

Her husband, who was usually a patient man, was also annoyed because he felt that Mary's mother was  taking advantage of Mary.   He was also sleep deprived.

He asked Mary to talk to her brothers about sharing the responsibility of taking care of the mother, so they could get a break.  They hadn't had a vacation since Mary's mother moved in with them four years ago.

Although she sympathized with her husband, Mary felt, for some reason she didn't understand, that she couldn't ask her brothers to help out.  So, she often felt caught between her mother and her husband, which added to her "stress" (see my article: Feeling Caught Between Your Spouse and Your Mother).

Her mother's doctor told Mary that the mother's medical condition was progressive and the time would soon come when she wouldn't be able to manage her mother's care at home.  He told her that she should start looking into skilled nursing facilities for her mother and see an elder care attorney to advise her about finances.

But Mary wouldn't even consider putting her mother in a nursing home.  She knew that her mother's medical problems would become worse and that her mother might need skilled medical interventions that neither she nor a home attendant could provide.  But she thought that they would find a way to deal with it (although she didn't know how).

Her husband understood that Mary didn't want to place her mother in a nursing home but, based on what the mother's doctor said, it seemed like there wouldn't be a choice.  He tried to reason with Mary about it, but just thinking about this gave Mary a headache and she refused to talk about it.

After they had established a good therapeutic relationship, Mary's therapist tried to explore with Mary what all of this meant to her, but Mary didn't know.  She just knew that the "stress" was becoming unbearable and she needed "tools" for dealing with it.

Although it was clear that Mary was under a lot of stress, it was also clear to her therapist that there was a lot more going on for Mary than she realized.

Since Mary was unable to consciously identify how it made her feel when the therapist asked her about it, the therapist tried a different approach to try to discover the unconscious meaning for Mary.

She used a technique that is often used in clinical hypnosis as well as in other types of experiential therapy called the Affect Bridge (see my article:  What is the Affect Bridge?).

Her therapist asked Mary to close her eyes, focus on her emotions and notice where she felt them in her body when she thought about the possibility of having to place her mother in a skilled nursing facility.

Using the Affect Bridge in Therapy

Her therapist was careful to say that this wasn't a practice run for actually doing this--Mary was just using her imagination to discover what was going on unconsciously that she wasn't aware of consciously.

By this time, Mary had been coming to therapy for a while, and she felt safe with her therapist (see my article:  The Creation of the Holding Environment in Therapy).

Mary allowed herself to notice her emotions, which she identified as sadness, fear and guilt.  She felt these emotions acutely around her eyes, her throat, her chest and her upper stomach.

Then, Mary's therapist asked her to focus on these emotions and go back to her earliest memory of feeling this way.

In a relaxed state, Mary allowed her mind to float back.

Then, a memory that Mary had not thought about for many years popped into her mind:  She was a young girl of about 10 and she was sitting with her mother and maternal grandmother.  By that time, Mary's grandmother was in her 90s and she was in poor health.  She lived with Mary and her family. Mary's mother, who stayed home while the father worked, was the grandmother's primary caregiver.

Mary remembered that her grandmother being in bed with her eyes closed.  Mary knew that her grandmother, who had been very sick for a long time and in a lot of pain, refused to get medical help.  She only wanted to stay at home with the family.

At one point, her grandmother opened her eyes and told Mary, "When you grow up, you'll be the one who takes care of your mother when she's older.  We're not one of those families who throw their older relatives into a nursing home.  Don't ever forget:  It will be your duty as a daughter.  Promise me that you'll never forget."

Mary remembered that she was so stunned by her grandmother's words that she was speechless.  She didn't know what to say.  She saw how exhausted her mother was from taking care of her grandmother, but she took care of her without complaining and without asking other family members for help.  It was understood that as the oldest daughter, she was expected to assume this duty.

Even though her grandmother was fragile and weak, when Mary didn't respond immediately, she opened her eyes wide, peered at Mary and said forcefully, "Promise me!"

Without thinking, Mary promised.  A few weeks later, her grandmother died and the family was plunged into grief.

During the funeral, relatives came to pay their respect to Mary's mother, and they told her what a "wonderful daughter" she had been to take care of her mother and how "strong" she was to never ask anyone, not even her brothers, for help.  They respected her for this and this made Mary's mother beam with pride.

Then, her mother turned to Mary and told her, "When the time comes, you'll take care of me just like I'm taking care of you now.  When I get older, don't ever put me in a nursing home--no matter what.  Promise me."  Mary swallowed hard and promised.

At the time, Mary felt the emotional burden of her mother's words--sadness, fear as well and guilt--because she felt trapped by this promise.

Afterwards, as Mary talked with her therapist about the memories that came up during the Affect Bridge, she was surprised because she had not thought of these memories in many years.

Her therapist asked her to complete this sentence by saying the first thing that came to her mind, "If I don't take care of my mother at home, then…"

Without thinking, Mary immediately said, "If I don't take care of my mother at home, then I'll be going back on my promise and I'll be a bad daughter."

This was the first time that Mary had become aware of what it would mean to her if she couldn't take care of her mother and just how powerful these feelings were.

Although she felt upset, she was also relieved to be able to get to the underlying feelings.  Even though she wasn't happy about it, it suddenly made sense to her.

Discovering the underlying feelings allowed Mary and her therapist to explore these deeply rooted beliefs and expectations in her family--going back generations--and how Mary had internalized them.

As they continued to work on this issue, Mary realized that not only would she feel like a "bad daughter," she would also feel like a "bad person," and everyone would know that she was a "bad person."  This made her feel deeply ashamed.

As time went on, Mary remembered more about her mother's reactions to taking care of Mary's grandmother.  She remembered times when her mother looked angry and resentful, even though she never expressed it.  It seemed to Mary that her mother might not have even realized how she felt because she probably didn't even allow herself to know it--let alone tell anyone else.

As an adult, Mary now realized that her mother was too afraid back then to even talk to the grandmother about getting medical care.

Then, Mary wondered if her grandmother might have lived longer if her mother had, at least, had the conversation with the grandmother about it.  But, instead, her mother and grandmother adhered to these rigid family "rules" and expectations ("The mother knows best" and "Don't question your mother"). This stifled any real communication between them and contributed to the grandmother's demise.

At that point, it suddenly became very clear to Mary: She was headed down the same path as her mother because she felt compelled to keep a promise that she made as a child that she would soon no longer be able to keep.

That realization brought Mary emotional pain on many levels:  She knew she would have to struggle with her feelings of being a bad daughter and a bad person.  She also knew how much she dreaded disappointing her mother.

But she also knew that she had to be responsible and, when the time came that she could no longer manage her mother at home, she couldn't just allow her mother to die at home when she could get medical help at a skilled nursing facility.

This is a very difficult decision that many adult children have to face, but it's especially difficult when there are unhealthy family expectations and beliefs that adult children have internalized from a young age.

Over time, Mary dealt with the younger aspect of herself (also known as the "inner child") in therapy that feared her mother's reaction.

Rather than coming from the perspective of the young child, she assumed the perspective of the adult.  She also worked in therapy to soothe her inner child.

Gradually, she got more information from her mother's doctor and explored various skilled nursing home facilities.

She also spoke to her brothers about taking their mother in for a couple of weeks each month to give Mary and her husband a respite.

At first, the brothers were surprised that Mary was asking for help.  They saw her as their older sister who seemed invincible to them since they were children.  But they also understood that she and her husband needed a break, so they began to help out.

A year later, Mary's mother's health took a turn for the worse and she needed the kind of medical help that she could only get from a skilled nursing facility.  At that point, even her mother realized that she could not stay at home any longer.

By that time, Mary and her mother had visited various nursing homes, and they had already chosen a facility close to home that had a very good reputation.  She had already had a consultation with an elder care attorney and had arranged the mother's finances so that she could go to the facility.  In addition, she made the necessary legal arrangements so that she could make decisions on her mother's behalf.

Over time, Mary developed increased confidence that, from an objective adult perspective, she was doing what was best for her mother.

Freeing Yourself From Unhealthy Family Expectations That Are Harmful to You

Although she felt sad about the worsening of her mother's health, she no longer felt driven by the unconscious emotions that were part of her family legacy and that she had internalized as a young girl.  This helped her to make the decisions that she had to make with clarity.

Her mother also got the medical help that she needed at the skilled nursing facility and made friends among the other patients.

Conclusion
The fictionalized vignette described above is a common experience for many people.

This scenario demonstrates how family expectations become part of the family legacy from one generation to the next and how individual family members internalize these expectations without even realizing it.

Working in therapy with a therapist who does experiential therapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, can allow clients to discover the unconscious beliefs and expectations.  It can also lead to emotional breakthroughs.

Although it might not be easy, once you've discovered these underlying emotions, you can free yourself from a burdensome history.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned before, a common family belief is that family members shouldn't talk about family matters to anyone outside the family (see my article: Why Is It That It's Usually the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family That Seeks Help in Therapy?).

The belief that people shouldn't speak about family matters outside the family has hindered many people from getting the help that they need.

If you feel overwhelmed by family expectations and beliefs, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience in this area.

Freeing yourself from unhealthy aspects of your history can free you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients to discover and free themselves from the unhealthy aspects of their histories.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

Many people feel ashamed of their emotional needs because they grew up in families where they were made to feel ashamed for even having emotional needs (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?)  One of the goals in therapy for many clients is to learn to recognize and accept their emotional needs (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings).

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs 

Having emotional needs is a natural part of being human.  But for people who learned to feel ashamed of their needs, having emotional needs is perceived as a weakness.

Many people, who were traumatized as children, are no longer even aware of their emotional needs because they have become numb to them.

What is Emotional Numbing?
Emotional numbing is a defense against the intolerable shame and pain of having unmet emotional needs, especially emotional needs that stem from unmet childhood needs.

Emotional numbing not only cuts off feelings related to emotional needs, it also cuts off feelings of love, happiness and joy.  People who are especially cut off from their feelings have little awareness of their feelings and often have a hard time discerning other people's feelings.

Fictionalized Scenario:

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette to understand this phenomenon and how therapy can help.

Cora
Cora came to therapy because she was aware that she felt no joy in life.  In fact, she felt very little of anything.  Life just seemed flat to her.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

It didn't matter that she had good friends, she was successful and well liked at work or that there were always men who were interested in her.  She took no pleasure in any of this.

She grew up in a home where she was taught to always put other people's needs before her own.  Her father, who was a minister, spent most of his time involved with church activities.  Her mother was involved in the same church activities, and Cora was expected to spend most of her spare time helping out in the church.

As far back as she could remember, her parents discouraged her from thinking about herself.  Whenever Cora wanted a doll or a toy, her parents scolded her for being selfish and not thinking about the many children around the world who didn't even have food to eat.

They told her, "How could you think of something so silly as having a doll when so many children are suffering?  Don't be so selfish."

As a child, whenever Cora wanted something for herself, she felt so guilty that she kept it to herself.  Even when she felt lonely and wished her parents would spend more time with her, she felt she was being selfish.

She felt that her parents' work in the church was more important than she was, and she shouldn't complain.  After a while, she learned not to feel these needs at all.

Throughout high school and college, Cora volunteered for many projects to help those who were less fortunate.  Although she won prizes for her work, she felt no joy in it.  All she felt was lonely.

Cora learned to look and act the part in her career, which brought her financial success, but she felt no inner satisfaction in her work and no sense of accomplishment.  She felt she was just continuing to do what she was supposed to do, just as she had when she was a child.  All the while, Cora felt she was an impostor (see my article: Overcoming Impostor Syndrome).

Cora learned to pretend to be happy.  It was a facade that she put on because she thought that that's what she was supposed to do, but she didn't feel it (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

Then, Cora began dating John.  She was aware that he really liked her and she knew he was a good person but, beyond that, she was unsure what she felt. This made her uneasy.  Even sex felt flat to her and she pretended to enjoy it more than she did, so she felt like a phony.  This brought her into therapy.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

When her therapist spoke to Cora about the importance of self care, Cora was unclear what this meant.  She knew about eating healthy food and getting exercise, but she didn't know what self care meant beyond that.

Even though Cora could well afford to get a massage or do other similar things to take care of herself, she told her therapist that she would feel guilty doing these things because she was aware that there were so many people in the world who didn't have their basic needs met, so how could she pamper herself?  This felt selfish to her (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Her therapist helped Cora to begin to identify her emotions by getting Cora to develop a felt sense in her body and where she felt these emotions in her body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window into the Unconscious Mind).

So, for instance, Cora came to realize that when she felt angry, she felt tense in her hands and in her shoulders.  And when she felt anxious, she felt tense in her stomach.

Cora also realized in therapy that she felt it was perfectly okay for others to do things that made them feel good, like getting a massage or indulging in other types of self care.  So, she began to question why she felt that it was selfish for her.

Gradually, over time, Cora saw that she had learned from a young age to numb her feelings so that she was no longer aware of what she felt.

Her therapist helped Cora to see that this was a protective defense mechanism that she developed as a child because it would have been too painful to continue to feel her unmet emotional needs, but that it was no longer useful for her.  In fact, this defense was now getting in the way.

As she mourned for what she didn't get as a child, she developed a greater capacity to feel her emotions without feeling guilty for having emotional needs.

Over time, Cora opened up to experiencing her genuine feelings.  She was no longer pretending to feel happy--she actually felt joy and happiness.

Working in Therapy to Accept Your Emotional Needs

In her relationship, she opened up to the emotional intimacy of the relationship. She realized that she was falling in love with this man, and she felt pleasure that she had never felt before when they had sex.

Overall, Cora felt that she was coming alive in a way that she never knew was possible.

Conclusion
Emotional numbing often occurs at an early age as a defense against unmet childhood emotional needs.

What starts out a protective defense mechanism against intolerable feelings becomes a major obstacle later on in life.

Emotional numbing tends to numb all feelings--not just the ones that are difficult.  It often affects all relationships and can make life feel flat.

Psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who is trained to assist clients to overcome emotional numbing can make the difference between going through life feeling little or nothing and leading a vibrant and fulfilling life.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are aware that you have difficulty either feeling your emotions or allowing yourself to feel good, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients to identify and accept their emotional needs.

Rather than going through life feeling numb, you can learn to acknowledge and accept your emotional needs and live a fuller and happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma and emotional numbing so that they could feel alive and happier in their lives.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Effects of Parental Transference in Therapy

In my earlier articles, I've discussed different types of transference that clients develop in therapy, including Psychotherapy and the Positive Transference and Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: Falling "In Love" With Your Therapist.  In this article, I'm focusing on another common form of transference, the parental transference.

The Effects of Parental Transference in Therapy

As I've mentioned in my prior articles, developing transference isn't limited to therapy.  People form transferential feelings in other relationships, including with mentors, teachers, a supervisor, in a relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, and so on.

Transference is usually unconscious--at least, at first.  Over time, the client and therapist usually become increasingly aware of the transference and can use the transferential feelings in therapy as part of the therapeutic work.

What is Parental Transference?
The parental transference often develops where the client experiences the therapist as either a maternal or paternal figure.  Often, this has nothing to do with age.  A therapist can be younger than a client and still evoke a parental transference.

The parental transference can be either positive or negative or it can alternate between positive and negative at different times in the same therapy.

When a client's parent is deceased, the parental transference can be especially powerful and often provides an opportunity for a client to work through unresolved feelings toward the parent.

When an adult client has unmet childhood needs, it's not unusual for him or her to develop a parental transference towards the therapist.

The counterpart of transference is the therapist's countertransference.  If the therapist is psychodynamically trained, s/he is usually aware of the client's transference and any countertransferential feelings s/he might have towards a client.

Just as a client can develop a parental transference, a therapist can also develop countertransferential feelings towards the client.  In that case, the therapist has parental feelings towards the client.

A Fictionalized Vignette
Let's look at a fictionalized vignette to illustrate how the parental transference can play out in therapy and how it can be worked through.

John
John came to therapy because he felt anxious around his new director at work.

Although he was successful in his career, he had developed anxiety-related symptoms when the new director replaced the former director, who had retired.

John had a very good relationship with his former director, Joe.  Joe was a mentor and helped John to move up in the company.  Even though John maintained contact with Joe, he missed their talks and his Joe's easygoing style.

John's new director, Nina, came from another company.  She had a reputation for being very talented and innovative in their field.

When John first met Nina, he felt that their meeting went well enough, so he couldn't understand why he felt uneasy with her.  There was nothing objective that John could pinpoint that could explain his anxiety around her.

Even though Nina praised his contribution to a big project and let him know that she was pleased with his work, John was anxious about falling short of her expectations.  No matter how he tried to convince himself that there was no objective reason why he should feel this way, his anxiety increased over time, which is why he came to therapy.

Initially, John was able to form a good therapeutic alliance with his therapist.  But, after a few weeks, he began to worry about how she saw him.  He worried that he wasn't being "a good patient" in therapy because he couldn't figure out why he was anxious around his new director.

The Effect of Parental Transference in Therapy

John's therapist assured him that they were just at the beginning of their exploration of his problem, they would explore this together, and she had no expectation that he would figure it out on his own.

Objectively, John knew that therapy is a collaborative process and that clients aren't expected to determine the underlying cause of their problems.  But, on an emotional level, he felt he was falling short in therapy and that his therapist would soon feel disappointed in him, if she wasn't already disappointed.  He couldn't understand why he felt this way.

Transferential Feelings Are Often Unconscious

As John and his therapist explored his family background, it soon became apparent what was happening at work as well as in his therapy.

As an only child, John grew up feeling closer to his father than his mother.

Whereas John and his father spent a lot of time together camping, going to sporting events and building models, John spent relatively little time with his mother.  She spent long hours at the office and on weekends she was involved in community events.

Whenever John spent time around his mother, he was acutely aware of how impatient she was with him.  She tended to be aloof and critical of him.  John felt like he was a disappointment to his mother, so he felt anxious whenever he was around her.

After John's father died, when he was eight, he missed his father a lot.  He spent many hours alone in his room.  Dinner time with his mother was a lonely affair because she hardly talked and when she did, she would criticize John for falling short in some way.  As a result, John felt like a failure and that he never met up to her expectations.

As his therapist talked to John about parental transference, John began to understand his relationships with Joe and Nina and how he had unconsciously superimposed his parental relationships on them.

John realized Joe was like his father.  Joe was warm, generous and kind, just like John's father.  He also spent time helping John to develop in his career, and he had nurturing qualities similar to John's father.  So, it was easy to see how John would form a positive paternal transference towards Joe.

But Nina was nothing like his mother.  Even though Nina was different than his mother, she was still an authority figure, similar in nature to how a mother is an authority figure in a child's life.  Unconsciously, he kept waiting for her to morph into his mother.  As time went on, John's anxiety increased because of his unconscious anticipation.

John and his therapist also discussed how his anxiety towards her was similar to his anxiety around his mother.  Even though he and his therapist had a non-hierarchical relationship and she was nothing like his mother, he still feared that his therapist would be disappointed in him, similar to how his mother was disappointed in him.

As they continued to explore these feelings, John realized that his problems in romantic relationships often involved his fear that his partner would become disappointed with him.  He realized how this hindered him in terms of starting and maintaining relationships.

As John and his therapist continued to work together, John became aware that he had unresolved trauma related to the loss of his father and his unmet childhood emotional needs with his mother (see my article: What is Child Emotional Neglect?)

He and his therapist did inner child work to mourn what he didn't get as a child, especially after his father died, and to nurturing that younger part of him that felt unloved (see my article: Nurturing Your Inner Child).

Further exploration about his parental transference towards his director and his therapist helped John to differentiate his feelings for his mother and his feelings for his director and therapist.

It also helped John to distinguish who his mother was when he was growing up and who she was now.  He realized that his mother had softened over the years and that she had become a warmer, kinder person with age.

The more John was able to make the differentiation between his mother from his childhood from his mother now, the better he felt.

Working Through Transference and Feeling Confident

Rather than doubting himself, John began to feel confident at work and at ease with his director.

He felt comfortable with his therapist.

Conclusion
Transferential feelings are a normal part of life, whether they occur in therapy, at work or in other important relationships.

Transference is usually unconscious so, initially, people believe that whatever they're feeling about a person is directly related to the person and not affected by earlier feelings.

Psychotherapy offers an opportunity to work through transferential feelings as well as resolve unmet childhood needs and unresolved loss and trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
Transferential issues are difficult to work through on your own.

Transferential feelings are often entrenched, enduring and can last a lifetime if you don't seek help.

Not all therapists work with transference, so if you think that your problems are related to transference (whether this involves transference in a relationship or at work), find out if the therapist that you plan to consult with has been trained psychodynamically (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychodynamically-trained psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.