Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

When I was in my 20s, I had little exposure or belief in intuitive abilities.  But, one day a chance encounter with a friend caused me to question my skepticism about intuition and to, eventually,  explore how intuitive abilities can be developed in relation to creativity abilities.

Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power

My Introduction to Intuition:  Beatrice at Bondini's
I remember the day that I ran into a close friend on my way home.  I had walked from my job in the East 30s to the West Village and I was about to get on the train to go home.  As I was going through the turnstile to get on the train, my friend was, coincidentally, coming through the same turnstile on the other side. We both laughed at the timing of meeting each other this way in a city of eight million people.  When I asked her where she was going, she told me that she had an appointment with someone named Beatrice at Bondini's restaurant on W. 9th Street in the Village.

I knew of Bondini's Italian restaurant from a former boyfriend's mother who would rave about their food.  But I'd never been there and I had never heard of anyone named Beatrice there.   When I asked my friend about this, she hesitated.  Then, she grabbed my arm and told me to come with her to see Beatrice, who was a psychic.  I remember laughing and teasing my friend all the way there because she believed in psychics.  Her only response was, "You'll see..."

Since my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, I went along with her.  I thought I would encounter a woman with a turban on her head looking into a crystal ball, but Beatrice was an average down-to-earth woman who looked and acted nothing like I expected.  She had a room in the back of the restaurant, but she had no mystical props or crystal balls.

Originally, I had no intention of getting a reading from Beatrice but, once again, my curiosity was greater than my skepticism, so when my friend "volunteered" me to go first, I went along with it, not expecting very much.  Beatrice asked if she could hold an item that belonged to me, so I gave her a topaz ring that I wore everyday for the last 10 years or so.

Then, to my great surprise, without my uttering a question or a word or giving her any information, she began telling me, in detail, about the man I was dating.  Not only did she describe his physical appearance, his personality and how he interacted with me, but she also described the strong effect he had on everyone around him--that he charmed both men and women, so much so that he was often able to get away with things that most people couldn't have gotten away with.   I knew this to be absolutely true and had seen it many times.  (Fortunately, he wasn't a sociopath, so he didn't use his charm in any illegal or unethical ways.)

Needless to say, I was stunned.  She told me things about him that even my close friend didn't know.  All the while, I said nothing, so she wasn't pumping me with questions for information, as many so-called "psychics" do.  I didn't understand what was happening, but I was fascinated.  So, unable to resist, I asked her if she had a sense of our future as a couple.   She was very tactful and kind.  There was no drama or offer to sell me love candles or love bath.  She simply said that she didn't see us staying together.  Until then, everything she said rang true, but I thought she really got this wrong.  But sure enough, a few months later, we broke up.

While I was in my 20s, I went to see Beatrice a few more times.  I continued to be fascinated by her intuitive abilities and level-headed, no-nonsense approach.  Then, she was written up in New York Magazine, and it became difficult to see her without making a six-month in advance appointment because she became so popular, so I stopped seeing her.

Developing Intuition
Following my experience with Beatrice, I attended a workshop with a woman in NJ, who used her psychic abilities to help the police solve crimes.  She was also very down-to-earth and had a good reputation among law enforcement.  She made the practice of developing intuition for the average person seem like the most natural thing in the world.  I also read books about intuition and became interested in dream work.

As I followed my dreams, I began to have flashes of intuition, both in my dreams and in my waking hours. I didn't have any earth-shattering intuitive flashes about world events.  These flashes of intuition were mostly about my everyday life and the people in it.

Intuition for Creative Solutions
Over time, I came to trust these flashes of intuition to help me come up with creative solutions to everyday life situations.   I find that the more connected I am to my dreams, the sharper my intuitive abilities are during everyday situations.  I am, by no means, a psychic and my intuitive abilities don't extend beyond the ordinary situations that develop in life, but I've found that using intuition to tap into creative, problem solving abilities has added a richer dimension to my life.

Of course, the ability to use logic is crucial to living our lives.   But rather than being exclusively focused on only living a life based on logic, I encourage people to develop their intuitive side, if this is something that interests them.

Intuition and Dreams
One way to develop intuition is to pay attention to your dreams.  Not all of them will be intuitive dreams, but you might find that, if you write them down and make them a priority, you might get glimpses into your intuitive side.  Then, rather than being skeptical about intuition, as I was initially when I was in my 20s, if you remain open and curious, you might discover that your intuition can be tapped into to enhance your creative abilities.  I've included some resources below if you're interested in developing your intuition to tap into your creative abilities.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic  Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, read my articles:
Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds
Creative Imagination and Dream Work

Resources:
Embodiment: Creative Imagination in Medicine, Art and Travel - by post-Jungian psychoanalyst, Robert Bosnak
Creative Dreaming - by Patricia Garfield
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming - by Stephen LaBerge, Ph.D.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience

During the course of a lifetime, everyone goes through hard times.  Unfortunately, emotional suffering is part of life and we can't expect to avoid it.  It's how you respond to these times that can make a big difference in the quality of your life.  Responding with resilience can help you get through difficult times and increase your self confidence.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience

Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to be Resilient

Unfortunately, people who have trauma in their lives can find it very difficult to respond with resilience.  Of course, there are always exceptional people that we hear or read about who have gone through a lot of trauma who seem to maintain their resilience.  They can be inspiring, but if you're someone who has been traumatized and you're not as resilient because of your experiences, hearing about these exceptional people can also cause you to feel badly about yourself, feeling like  you don't measure up to them.

Many people who have had multiple experiences with trauma feel hopeless and helpless in the face of new adversity.  This is a common experience for people with multiple traumas.  No amount of telling them to be resilient will change this.  After a while, many of them feel that bad times are all that they can expect, which is unfortunate and, often, a distortion.  

Unresolved Trauma Can be Triggered by New Difficult Experiences

People who have suffered trauma that keeps them feeling beaten down need to work through their trauma in psychotherapy.  If the trauma is not worked through, they are vulnerable to being triggered by new events because new events can trigger old trauma.  

Often, when we think of being triggered, we think of the example of the war veteran who is triggered by a loud noise, which takes him or her back emotionally to the battlefield.  But there are all kinds of triggers, aside from the ones that veterans experience with noise, that can trigger old trauma.  Potential triggers can be loss, including loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a pet, and so on;  physical or emotional abuse; a medical problem; a car accident; a major life change, etc.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience: Coping with Unresolved Trauma

Trauma, by nature, is an emotionally overwhelming experience that hasn't been "metabolized" by the mind.  So, it remains in its "unmetabolized," untreated form just under the surface and it's there to be potentially triggered by new difficult events.

What might be traumatic to one person might not be traumatic to someone else for a variety of reasons, including personal history, environment, learned attitudes, and a person's inherent ability to deal with overwhelming events or experiences.  It's not about being "weak" or "strong."  

Trauma, Compassion and Self Compassion

Recognizing that it's not about "weakness" requires self compassion as well as compassion for others.       I once met someone who was a retired Marine who had gone through a series of traumatic events while in the military and afterwards in civilian life.  He never got treatment, and he berated himself severely whenever he cried about his experiences, saying, "I'm a Marine.  I should be able to handle this."  Possibly, this was part of his training in the Marines, but it was only making matters worse until he got psychological treatment to overcome his trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy:  You Can't "Tough it Out"

This is why it's so important to get psychological help when you experience trauma. Trying to "tough it out" doesn't help.  In fact, it can make things a lot worse because you might "disown" and suppress your traumatic feelings rather than acknowledge them and get help.  Suppressing these feelings, even if you can for a while, doesn't make them go away.  They're still there to be triggered in ways that you might not expect or want.  They can also develop into physical problems, like migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, body aches and other physical manifestations.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience: Getting Help in Therapy

I've worked with many clients over the years who have experienced trauma, including PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder).  My experience has been that talk therapy can be helpful, but Somatic Experience, hypnotherapy and EMDR are more effective in overcoming trauma and developing a greater sense of resilience.

There's no magic bullet when it comes to working through trauma, but these treatment modalities take into account the connection between the mind and the body, not just the mind.  I have nothing against psychodynamic psychotherapy.  In fact, my original training is in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic itreatment.  I also use cognitive behavioral therapy for some clients.  But when it comes to trauma, I find the mind-body oriented psychotherapies to be most effective.

If you think you might have PTSD or trauma symptoms, you owe it to yourself to get help.  I will provide websites below so you can find licensed mental health professionals to help you.  My personal recommendation is that you find someone who has a mental health license.  There are many people who do hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing who are not clinicians.  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:

Somatic Experiencing:  Somatic Experiencing Treatment

Clinical Hypnosis:  American Society of Clinical Hypnosis

EMDR:  EMDR Treatment

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking back on past romantic relationships, do you see particular patterns that were consistent in these relationships?  It's easy to blame your former romantic partners for all the problems in those relationships or to blame it on bad luck.  What's more challenging is to see your own patterns in those relationships that you're continuing to perpetuate with each new relationship.  

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Past Romantic Relationships
Not all relationships end because of recurring interpersonal patterns.  Many relationships end because  one of both people change in dissimilar ways and they no longer want the  same things.  People grow apart.  Sometimes, one or both people forget that relationships need to be nurtured and that neglect leads to the end of a relationship.

But when you can look back with a degree of objectivity, you might find that you, being the common denominator in all of your relationships, continue to engage in certain patterns that contribute to the demise of these relationships.  And, if this is the case, it's worthwhile for your own personal development, as well as the potential for having a successful relationship in the future, if that's what you want, to look at these patterns.

It's impossible to include all the possible recurring patterns.  The following fictionalized scenario demonstrates how learning from past romantic relationships can be beneficial to you.  As always, this  scenario is a composite of many different cases so that confidentiality is preserved.

Ann:
Ann, who was in her late 30s, came to therapy after a recent breakup.  The man she had been seeing for two years had just ended their relationship, and Ann was heart broken.  This was the latest in a series of breakups over the years in which the man she was dating ended the relationship.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

Ann wanted, more than anything, to get married and have a family.  She was very aware of her "biological clock" and that it might be difficult for her to get pregnant, so she was hoping her most recent relationship would lead to marriage and children.  But, instead, just like her prior relationships, it ended in heart break and disappointment.

When she started therapy, she blamed the breakups on a combination of bad luck and poor judgment in choosing the wrong men.  These relationships all started well.  With each one, she saw the potential for long term happiness.  But, gradually, she and her romantic partners began arguing about how much time to spend together and their divergent expectations about the relationship.

What made matters worse is that, whenever Ann entered into a new relationship, she stopping talk to and seeing her friends, so that when she needed emotional support, they expressed resentment towards her that they hadn't heard from her in a while and were annoyed that she called them only when she was having problems.

Ann had a hard time seeing this because she was so immersed in whatever relationship she was in.  She thought her friends "should" be there for her, even if she'd made no effort to be in touch with them for months.

Related to her problem of disengaging from her friends, she expected that her current romantic partner would supply all her emotional, intellectual and physical needs.  Even when she had a lot in common with her current boyfriend, inevitably, there were some interests that she had that he didn't.

When her current boyfriend didn't want to take up one of her particular interests, she became annoyed  and disappointed.  This led to arguments and her expectations and the arguments led to her boyfriends telling her that they felt suffocated by her and that it wasn't reasonable for her to expect to have all of her needs met in the relationship.  But this was contrary to Ann's basic assumptions and expectations in a relationship.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to explore her basic assumptions and expectations of relationships because she held them very tightly.  She wanted her boyfriend to be her "everything" and couldn't understand why anyone who was her boyfriend wouldn't want this too.  She also couldn't understand why her boyfriends wanted to see their friends and go to sports events or other activities with them when she was very willing to take up these interests.  This also created a lot of friction in her relationships.

As we explored her history of relationships, there was no evidence to suggest that she had a string of bad luck or that these men had particular problems that contributed to the breakups.  The problem in all of these relationships was, primarily, that Ann wanted to create an exclusive dependency between her and her boyfriend, and she refused to see that this created recurring problems in her relationships.

Even if she found a boyfriend who wanted the same kind of intense dependency that excluded other people, having  such an insular relationship would have been emotionally unhealthy.  Often, sooner or later, people get bored and the individuals and the relationship becomes stagnant.  One person can't meet all your needs.

It took a while for Ann to be willing to look at herself rather than externalizing her problems in relationships.  Family history played a big part in her views.  Ann needed to learn how to be in a relationship and how to maintain and nurture her friendships.

Learning From Past Romantic Relationships

At that point, she was able to change her usual dynamics and she was a lot happier in a new long-term relationship and in her friendships.

Getting Help in Therapy:  When You're Open to Looking at Your Own Recurring Patterns in Relationships, You Have an Opportunity to Make Changes
As I mentioned previously, this is just one possible example of a recurring pattern that can cause relationships to end.

When you're able to be open and objective about the role that you play in current and prior relationships, you can change recurring dysfunctional patterns.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome patterns that have created obstacles for them.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at 212 726-1006 or email me: josephineolivia@aol.com.

Also see my article:  Making Changes Within Yourself to Have the Life You Want

Is Your Envy Ruining Your Relationships?

Envy is defined as the emotionally painful feeling you have when you perceive that someone has something that you want and don't have, whether it's a possession, an attribute, a relationship, a new baby, a job, and so on.  Envy is a complex emotion.

Is Your Envy Ruining Your Relationships?

There Are Degrees of Envy

Like any other emotion, there are degrees of envy.  A mild form of envy, for instance, might involve wishing a friend well for getting married, but wondering why she found happiness in a romantic relationship and you haven't.  Why does she get to have a wonderful husband while you're having difficulty meeting someone?  This is a more benign form of envy.  A more malicious form of envy might involve not only wishing that you could meet someone wonderful like your friend did, but also secretly hoping that her relationship fails.  There is a bitter and toxic quality to this form of envy that is corrosive to your sense of self as well as to maintaining relationships.

Your Envy Sets Up a Rivalry Between You and Others
When you feel envious of people close to us, you set up a rivalry between you and them, even if the rivalry remains in your mind and you never express it.  When you're envious, you see the other person as being luckier, better looking, more intelligent (or whatever other attributes you ascribe to the other person) than you.  This may or may not be realistic.  But whether or not it has objective reality often has little to do with envy.  In fact, if you're immersed in envious feelings, you might have already lost any objectivity in the matter because you're so focused on others.

Strong, Pervasive Feelings of Envy
When you experience pervasive feelings of envy, where you're constantly comparing yourself to others in an unfavorable way, you tend to see life most of the time in terms of what others have and you don't.  Your perspective is filtered through the lens of feeling that what you have is inadequate compared to others.  You tend to feel deprived most of the time and this can lead to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Pervasive Feelings of Envy Are Often Related to Childhood Deprivation
When envy is pervasive in most of your life, it often stems from early childhood deprivation, whether the deprivation was emotional, physical or both.  In these types of situations, you continue to feel the longings you felt when you were a child.  At that time, you deserved to be loved and taken care of but, for whatever reason, you were deprived instead.  Your longing to be nurtured was legitimate and real.

This type of longing usually doesn't disappear when you become an adult.  As an adult, this longing, which is "carried" emotionally by your inner child, usually manifests as envy.  When it's a pervasive feeling of envy, these feelings become distorted.  What is real for the deprived inner child becomes displaced on others in a distorted way when you become an adult.

Pervasive Envy Can Ruin Relationships
Pervasive envy can ruin relationships, including family relationships, marriages, friendships, and relationships with colleagues.  If you're constantly complaining to others that you feel they have better opportunities, relationships or possessions, it's a big turn off to them.  After a while, they'll feel guarded around you and might not want to be around you.  At best, they'll see you as petty and, at worst, they'll see you as someone who is too self centered to be around.  Chances are good that they won't understand that these pervasive feelings of envy come from earlier experiences.  And, even if they do, they still might not want to deal with your envy.

People who feel pervasive envy are often not aware that this is what they're feeling.  They usually believe that their feelings are objectively true and not a distortion.  In their eyes, other people are luckier, more attractive, and so on, than they are.  Their focus is on others and not on themselves.  It can be very painful to realize that these envious feelings are distortions in their minds.  But once they develop this awareness, there's an opportunity, if they're open to it, to change.

Envy Can Become a Self Perpetuating Pattern
Living with constant feelings of envy can be a self perpetuating pattern.  The more you feel it, the more intense the envy becomes.  There are people who live their entire lives comparing themselves unfavorably to others.  They take no responsibility to change what they don't like in their own lives because they're too immersed in feeling resentful towards others.  This creates an increasingly deep sense of unhappiness and bitterness.

Getting Help to Overcome Envy
If you're someone who is stuck in the rut of feeling envious towards others and you're so focused on what other people have that you don't, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a licensed mental health professional.  Doing inner child work can help you to overcome envy and feel better about yourself.  In addition to preserving the important relationships in your life, you can also improve your sense of self and the quality of your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many clients to lead more fulfilling loves.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To  set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Is Envy Ruining the Quality of Your Life?

Overcoming Guilt that Affects Family Relationships

Guilt can have a powerful negative effect on your relationships with family members.  Even when people know logically that there is no objective reason for them to feel guilty, knowing this is often not enough to help them overcome guilty feelings.  

Overcoming Guilt that Affects Family Relationships

The following fictionalized scenarios illustrate how damaging guilt can be between family members:

Rose:
Rose felt guilty when she found out that her  younger sister was sexually abused by their father.  Her sister had never told anyone about it when it was happening.  It wasn't until they were both in their 20s that she revealed the sexual abuse.  Rose knew logically that, even if she knew about it when it was happening, she couldn't have prevented it from happening.  Their father was a severe alcoholic, who spiraled down after her mother died when she was 10 and her younger sister was eight.  Apparently, the sexual abuse occurred after the mother's death when the father was drunk.  After Rose found out about the abuse, she felt so guilty that she dreaded seeing her sister.  Even though her sister had no resentment or anger towards her, Rose was consumed with guilt.  Rose's guilt put a strain on her relationship with her sister.

John:
John  moved out of the family home when he was 18 because he and his father had a difficult relationship.  There were a few times when their arguments almost escalated into physical confrontations, so John thought it was best that he leave, even though he felt very conflicted about leaving his younger brother, Sam, at home.  Sam got along well with both of their parents.  But John still felt guilty about not being around for his kid brother.  He knew that Sam looked up to him, and he felt he abandoned Sam by leaving.  When they were in their 20s, John broached the subject with Sam and Sam tried to reassure John that he understood and he had no resentment towards him for moving out--although he missed him after he was gone.  But John couldn't get over his guilt and he left he was "a bad person" for leaving his brother, even though Sam turned out to be a happy, well adjusted young man.

Lynn:
Lynn's elderly mother asked her to drive her to a medical appointment.  Lynn was unable to get the time off from work, so she paid for a car service to take her mother and the mother's attendant to the appointment.  While she was at work, Lynn got a call from the police that her mother and the attendant were in a fender bender.  No one was injured.  Her mother wasn't upset, but Lynn felt guilty.  She blamed herself, berating herself for not taking her mother to the doctor, even though she had taken her many times before.  Lynn felt that if she had driven her mother, there would have been no fender bender.  She couldn't help ruminating about "what if" the accident had been worse--she never would have forgiven herself.

In each of these fictionalized scenarios, we have the objectivity to see that these people aren't culpable in any way.  Yet, it's not unusual for people to engage in this type of self blame. We can also see how damaging guilt can be for the person who blames him or herself as well as for the relationship with the family member.

This type of guilt can erode a person's sense of self, especially when it involves a situation that can't be changed as in the scenarios above.

When clients come to see me about this type of problem in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, I help  them to work through their guilty feelings, often using EMDR or Somatic Experiencing.  If they're able to work through these feelings, most of the time, they experience it as if a burden has been lifted from them.  Once they're free from these guilty feelings, they also feel freer to have a closer relationship with their family member.

Although there was no reason for the people in the above scenarios to feel guilt, there are times when guilt is appropriate.  For instance, in the first scenario, if the father were to feel guilty about sexually abusing his daughter, this could be the first step in recognizing that he traumatized her and also the first step in his taking responsibility for it.  Only sociopaths and psychopaths feel no guilt when they've committed an offense.

There are times when we can see the distortions in our thinking, but seeing it isn't enough to change it.  Often, we require more than logic to change it.  Both EMDR and Somatic Experiencing offer an opportunity to free oneself from misplaced guilt.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Erotic Transference for Group Leaders

In an earlier blog post, I wrote about the erotic transference that occurs in psychotherapy treatment where a client develops erotic feelings, often unconscious, for the therapist and vice versa.  This is a common phenomenon in psychotherapy and therapists who have psychoanalytic training are trained to deal with this issue, whether it's the client having erotic feelings for the therapist (more commonly) or the other way around.  Much has been written about the erotic transference in therapy.  But erotic transference can occur in groups as well where group members develop erotic feelings for the group leader.

The Erotic Transference of Group Leaders

Group Leaders Are Often Idealized
Group leaders, including schoolteachers, seminar instructors, college professors, and motivational speakers are often embued with certain idealized qualities by participants.  We're all familiar with the school girl or boy who develops a crush on the teacher.

The Erotic Transference of Group Leaders

These crushes can be very intense at times, consuming a student's thoughts with fantasies of going out on a date, having sex or having a romantic relationship with the teacher.  A teenage student might sit dreamy eyed in a classroom, staring at the teacher and thinkng about how wonderful the teacher is.  Most of the time, these crushes pass as teenagers develop the social skills to meet other students their own age and go on to have attainable relationships with their peers.

Erotic Transference for Rock Bands and Musical Groups
We also know that teenagers and young adults develop erotic transference for band members.  When I was 11 or 12, my friends and I used to debate about who was the handsomest and sexiest Beatle.   Some of us wrote stories about the particular Beatle that we liked (in my case, it was Paul McCartney) and then brought our stories into class to share with each other during lunch time.

We would fantasize about meeting our favorite Beatle and what that might be like.  It never once occurred to us that we really didn't know them and that they might be very different than our fantasies about them.

Other teens (and some adults) had an erotic transference for Tom Jones.  Few people of my generation would forget how young girls and women would throw their panties at him while he was on stage singng.  In prior generations, teenagers developed erotic transference for Elvis or Frank Sinatra.

Erotic Transference for Political Leaders
In politics, many women idealized and developed an erotic transference for President Kennedy, who was perceived as a young, handsome leader who would lead the nation into a new era.  He was compared to the legend of King Arthur of Camelot.

Similarly, many people have an erotic transference for President Obama, especially in 2008.  He was compared to President Kennedy and very idealized.

I remember going into a store in Manhattan at the time called East West Books and seeing a picture of President Obama up in the sky with an aura around him, as if he was a saint or a god.  I don't think anyone could live up to so much idealization, and we know that when those who idealized him were disappointed, many of them became disillusioned.  Politics aside, I believe that part of the problem was that, for many people, there was an illusion that he would be the nation's savior.  And who could blame anyone feeling that way given the problems in the country?  But whenever you put someone on a pedestal, whether it's a political leader or your romantic partner, there's no way to go but down.

Erotic Transference in Professional Small Groups
Erotic transference can occur in small group settings as well, even among psychotherapists.  As a psychotherapist, to keep up my skills and develop new skills, I attend professional trainings.  I find it very interesting to observe how therapists, who know about erotic transference, develop their own erotic transferential feelings for professional group leaders, in much the same way that young women develop crushes on rock stars.

For many people, even therapists, the erotic transference is like being  under a magic spell.   A group leader, who appeared to most people as being average looking before the workshop begins, is perceived as being very attractive, intelligent, sexy, and so on, once the workshop starts.  He or she is embued with all kinds of idealized qualities within the fantasies of the participants.  The participants often vie for the workshop leader's attention or want to sit next to him or her.

I remember one colleague telling me that she was in love with one of the workshop leaders, even though, in reality, neither she nor I knew him personally.  When I tactfully brought up the possibility that this could be an erotic transference, or at the very least an idealized transference, she rejected this  as being out of hand.  She was convinced that she loved him.  Inevitably, the spell was broken when he said something that disappointed her .

Erotic transference for group leaders is a common phenomenon.  Group leaders who are ethical don't take advantage of this because they know that this idealization is mostly fantasy, and it would be unethical for them to use it to manipulate or take advantage of the person (or people) with the erotic transference.

Erotic Transference in Group Therapy
Erotic transference also comes up in group therapy.  If a group therapist is properly trained, he or she, at the very least, won't engage in boundary violations.

Erotic Transference in Group Therapy

At best, the erotic transference can be used to explore the inner emotional world of a group member.  This needs to be handled with tact and respect  for all involved, especially the client with the erotic transference for the group therapist, and only if the client is ready and open to exploring it within the group or one-on-one with the therapist in a treatment environment that is safe for everyone involved.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Psychotherapy and Erotic Transference
Boundary Violations and Sexual Exploitation in Psychotherapy

When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help

One of the hardest things to endure is to experience someone you love, who is suffering, turn down your help.  You know that you all you want to do is help, but your loved one, for whatever reason, rejects your offer.  This can create a lot of conflicting feelings in you, including sadness, confusion, helplessness, frustration and anger.  It's very hard to watch your loved one in pain and not be able to do anything about it.  

Assuming that your loved one is an adult who is not seriously mentally or physically ill, the best thing you can do under ordinary circumstances is to back off and realize that your loved one isn't necessarily rejecting you personally.

For whatever reason, he doesn't want your help, and nagging and pleading with him isn't going to help. Assuming that he is an adult, the problem isn't an emergency, and he's not in danger of harming himself or anyone else, you can assure your loved that if and when he wants your help, you're ready to help him. Then, you really need to step back and take care of yourself in whatever positive ways you can to deal with this difficult situation.

When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help, You Might Have to Take a Step Back

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how to deal with a situation when someone you love rejects your help:

Karen:
When Karen came to see me, she was very worried about her 28 year old son, Michael, who had just lost his job through no fault of his own.  His company laid off half the workforce due to a financial downturn, and Michael was among the employees let go.

Karen was aware that Michael had large student loan debts and he had little in the way of savings.  When he told her about the lay off, she offered to give him money so he could get by until he found another job.  She also urged him to move back home so he wouldn't have to pay rent.  But Michael rejected her help, telling her that he could take care of himself.

Over the next few months, Karen watched as Michael struggled to find another job.  With each new rejection, Michael seemed more and more disappointed.  When she renewed her offer to help him, Michael lost his temper with her and lashed out, accusing her of not having any faith in him.  Karen was hurt and confused by Michael's response.

Karen tried to explain that she only wanted to help him, but he told her to back off.  She had never seen Michael like this before, and she was worried.  When she began having problems with insomnia, her husband, who was respecting Michael's wishes, recommended that she seek help, and this is when she called me.

We worked on helping Karen to contain her difficult emotions, to focus on herself, and to engage in better self care with regard to her eating and sleep habits.  She also began spending more time engaging in activities that she enjoyed.  She had to learn to accept that Michael was an adult who was responsible for himself, and if he didn't want her help, she had to accept it.  She also had to learn not to personalize his rejection of her help, and recognize that loved ones often turn down help.  She also learned to stop nagging him with her offers, which was having a negative impact on their relationship.  Michael interpreted these offers to mean that she had no confidence in him, even though this isn't what she meant.

Several more months went by, with Michael working whatever part time jobs he could find, until he finally found a job that was similar in responsibilities and salary to his prior job.  When Michael told Karen that he found a great new job, Karen heard the happiness and pride in his voice.   At that point, she understood why it was so important for him to reject her help so he could feel that he could take care of himself on his own.

If Your Loved One is a Harm to Himself or to Others, You'll Need to Take Action
Fortunately, this particular scenario has a happy ending, but not all situations end this happily.  As I mentioned before, if you feel that a loved one is in serious danger of hurting himself or someone else (either suicidal or homicidal or there is an imminent threat of danger), you need to take action by contacting local mental health professionals or, under the most serious and immediate circumstances, calling 911.

Under Ordinary Circumstances, If Your Loved One Rejects Your Help, Be Reassuring But Not Interfering
Under the more usual circumstances that we normally experience with loved ones, if they don't want our help, we often have to step back and back off.

I know this can be very hard to do, but continuing to insist on helping will only make your loved one dig in his or her heels even more.  Assure your loved one of your love and that, if he changes his mind, you're ready to help.  Until then, be as tactful and gracious as you can, and recognize that we can't spare our loved ones the hurt and pain that are a normal part of life.

Hopefully, your loved one will resolve the problem and resume his or her usual life, and your relationship will remain strong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Learning to Let Go and Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship


photo credit: drewleavy via photopin cc