Arguments with Your Spouse Can Trigger Old Emotional Wounds from Childhood

It's not at all unusual for arguments with a spouse or romantic partner to trigger old emotional wounds from childhood.  Without even realizing it, we can become so emotionally triggered that we can surprise even ourselves with our out of proportion responses.  Old, unresolved wounds are often just under the surface and when we're triggered, we often don't even know it.  Later on, when we're calmer, we might reflect that our responses were emotionally over the top, and wonder how and why we could have become so upset over something that we realize, once we can be more objective, didn't warrant this kind of upset.

Arguments With Your Spouse Can Trigger Old Emotional Wounds

I'm not referring to the occasional loss of temper that we experience when we're too tired, hungry or overwhelmed by stress.  What I'm referring is a consistent pattern of emotional upset that we wonder about when we've had a chance to calm down and we ask ourselves, "Why did I get so upset over that, when it wasn't really that important?" It can leave us feeling embarrassed, perplexed and confused about ourselves.

When this dynamic occurs fairly consistently, it's often a sign that old emotional wounds from childhood are being triggered.  In other words, we're not just responding to the situation at hand.  The magnitude of our emotions are often being fueled by unresolved childhood issues from our families of origin.

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates this phenomenon:

Alice:
Alice, who was in her late 30s, was normally a calm and rational person most of the time.  But whenever she and her husband, Ed, got into an argument where he had problems seeing her point of view, she became enraged.  It didn't matter if they were talking about money, politics, or where to vacation.  If Alice felt that Ed was unable to understand her perspective, she became livid.  She would lose her temper and feel out of control.  Sometimes, she felt so agitated that she could barely breathe.

Usually, after he had a chance to think about it later on, Ed would often come around to see Alice's point of view.  He still might not agree, but he could empathize with Alice's feelings.  He just needed a little time to reflect on it.  But this didn't make a difference for Alice.  Once she became enraged, she might take a few hours or even a whole day to calm down.  Before that, she couldn't even hear what Ed had to say.

Needless to say, this dynamic had a big impact on their marriage.  After the first year of enduring Alice's strong emotional reactions, Ed told Alice that he didn't want to live this way and if she didn't get help, he might leave the marriage.

Even without the possibility of Ed leaving, Alice would often realize after she calmed down that her emotional reaction to their argument was over the top.  But she didn't know what to make of it or what to do.  After she sought help in therapy, it soon came apparent that these disagreements with her husband were triggering old, unresolved emotional wounds from her family.

As we explored Alice's emotional build up during a recent argument with her husband, we slowed everything down so Alice could experience how her emotions escalated to such a point.  I asked her to identify the feelings she was experiencing in her body.  As she sensed into her body to feel what was going on for her, she realized that whenever Ed didn't understand what she was trying to tell him, she erupted in anger, but the anger masked a lot of fear.

Using clinical hypnosis, we were able to trace that fear back to a time when she was four years old.  Her father, who was a severe alcoholic and often in a drunken stupor, was too drunk to understand what Alice would try to tell him.  At the time, her mother was in denial about the severity of the father's alcoholism, so she would leave Alice alone with him whenever she visited her mother across town.

On one of those occasions, Alice's father left a pot of water boiling on the stove, and then he fell asleep in a drunken stupor.  Alice smelled something burning, ran into the kitchen, and saw the pot burning.  But when she tried to wake up her father, she couldn't get him up.  He was so groggy that he couldn't understand what she was saying and pushed her away.  She was terrified.  But fortunately, she ran to the neighbor next door, who called the fire department.  Soon after that, the Bureau of Child Welfare got involved and provided services to Alice and her family.

The hypnosis allowed Alice to connect her current emotional reactions to the earlier ones.  She was able to see that the emotions connected to this memory, which she had never forgotten and was accessible to her even before we did hypnosis, got triggered whenever she had an argument with her husband were she felt he didn't understand her.

We were able to work on this memory, which was representative of many similar memories, so that Alice could overcome her unresolved trauma and no longer get triggered in her marriage.  It took a lot of work, but she was relieved to have some explanation as to why she was overreacting with her husband.

I want to be clear that, in this example, I'm not referring to "recovered memories," which can be inaccurate and misleading.  I often get calls from people who sense they might have been sexually or physically abused and they hope that hypnosis will give them the answer.  What I usually tell them is that memory can be very tricky.  It's not like hypnosis enables you to be able to recover information like  picking out a file from a file drawer.

The memory that I'm referring to in this example is a memory that Alice had been well aware of before we began using hypnosis.  The difference is that she never connected her childhood trauma with her current dynamic with her husband.  Once we were able to work through the childhood trauma, Alice was no longer triggered in her current life, which was a tremendous relief.

Getting Help

Often, in our ordinary consciousness, we're not able to make these connections.   When you work with an experienced hypnotherapist, you enter into a state of deep relaxation which allows you access to your unconscious.  In that state, you can make connections that are usually not available to you in ordinary consciousness.

As I've said many times before in other blog posts, you're in complete control at all times with clinical hypnosis.  People who have been traumatized are often afraid of not being in control, and their notions about hypnosis are derived from stage hypnosis, which is nothing like clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy).

I recommend that, if you're considering clinical hypnosis that you only see a licensed mental health professional who is a hypnotherapist rather than seeing a non-clinician who might have some training in   hypnosis but who has no clinical skills.

It's possible to free yourself of trauma or old emotional wounds that can get triggered in your current life.  Transcending old emotional wounds can make a big difference in the quality of your life and the lives of your loved ones.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

Overcoming feelings of inadequacy can be very challenging, especially if you've been feeling this way for many years.  There can be many causes for feeling inadequate, including early childhood trauma, an abusive spouse, a boss who is a bully, and so on.

Often, people who are feeling inadequate know in their rational minds that there is no objective reason for feeling this way.  I've had clients, who are quite accomplished and who are looked up to by many others, who still feel inadequate.  They might hide it well when they're around other people, but deep down inside, they still feel worthless.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

Talking about it in therapy often goes nowhere.

People who feel inadequate can often identify what triggers their feelings of inadequacy and even pinpoint early trauma that precipitated their feelings of worthlessness.

But this is often not enough to help them overcome their negative feelings about themselves.  If anything, it's usually very frustrating because then they wonder, if they can see objectively that there is no rational reason for their feelings, why they still persist in feeling this way.

I was originally trained as a psychoanalyst.  I still love psychoanalysis and, when clients come to me requesting psychoanalysis, I work in a contemporary, dynamic way (as opposed to classical psychoanalysis).

But I've found, over the years, that psychoanalysis and regular talk therapy is often not sufficient, by itself, to help clients overcome feelings of inadequacy.

I have found over the years that mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing are much more helpful to overcome feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

These mind-body oriented psychotherapies help clients to access their strengths and power to heal in a much more profound and effective way.

Getting Help in Therapy
To find out more about EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis, you can go to the following professional websites:

Clinical Hypnosis:  http://ASCH.net
Somatic Experiencing:  http://traumahealing.com
EMDR: http://EMDRIA.org

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, who is certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Clinical Hypnosis and Hypnoprojectives to Overcome Problems

Clients often come to me with longstanding problems that they have been unable to overcome. Often, these clients have had many years of talk therapy.  They might have gained some intellectual insight into their problems, but the problems still persist.  They usually feel frustrated and discouraged by the time I see them.

Clinical Hypnosis and Hypnoprojective

As a therapist who uses mind-body oriented psychotherapy, I have discovered that using hypnoprojectives during clinical hypnosis often alleviates problems that have resisted change for many years.  A hypnoprojectives is a technique that is used in clinical hypnosis where a client, who is in a relaxed hypnotic state, can "watch" a movie or TV program in his or her imagination about a person who is very much like him or her with a very similar problem.  In this relaxed state, clients will often come up with creative solutions to their problems that they would never have come up with in their normal state of consciousness.

There is something about seeing a problem from someone else's perspective while in this relaxed state that allows a person to see the situation in a new way.  Also, being in a relaxed hypnotic state allows a person access to his or her unconscious where creative solutions often reside.

As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, clinical hypnosis is not magic.  It's not something that it "done" to you.  When you're in a hypnotic state, you are completely conscious of everything around you and in complete control the entire time.

If you're considering clinical hypnosis, always see a licensed mental health professional. There are many people who call themselves hypnotists who might be trained in certain hypnotic techniques, but they're not licensed clinicians.  If something should come up in the hypnosis that is disturbing, they will not know how to handle it, whereas a licensed mental health professional will be trained for these types of situations.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Book: "Almost a Psychopath"

I recently read Almost a Psychopath by Ronald Schouten, MD, JD and James Silver, JD.  Both authors have extensive experience working with psychopaths and "almost psychopaths."

 
According to Schouten and Silver, people who are "almost psychopaths" are individuals who don't quite meet the full criteria for being a psychopath.

In their book, they discuss in details how we can distinguish between the two, and they give many examples of people who are "almost psychopaths."

As a therapist who meets many different clients, it was fascinating to read about how common "almost psychopaths" are.

According to Schouten and Silver, they are all around us.  More importantly, they discuss what you can do if you are with someone who is almost a psychopath or if you recognize yourself to be in this category.

One important difference between a psychopath and someone who is almost a psychopath has to do with empathy.

Someone who meets the full diagnostic criteria for being a psychopath lacks empathy for the people that he or she hurts.

If this is a topic that interests you, either because you're with someone who displays psychopathic tendencies or you think you might be psychopathic yourself, I recommend that you read "Almost a Psychopath," which is an informative and interesting read.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.

My specialities include dynamic talk therapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

Several years ago, I was at a dinner party with friends and I met a couple who were friends of the hostess. The husband was talking about his position as a senior executive and telling us about the impressive cases that he had worked on.  

We listened politely and then I asked his wife about her work. As she began telling us about her business, her husband chuckled and said, "Oh yeah, Mary has her 'little business' that she runs from home.  It keeps her busy and out of trouble" (see my article: How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior in Relationships).

Mary looked mortified and she cut short her conversation, and soon afterwards she made an excuse to leave the party early.

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

A Pattern of Belittling Behavior
As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individuals and couples, I hear about covert belittling from clients often.  

When confronted about belittling behavior, people often deny that they meant any harm.  It can take a while before the person who engages in this type of belittling can see that it's offensive and hurtful to the other person.  

This is assuming that the partner who is being belittled is able to speak up about it.  Unfortunately, too often, the partner who is being belittled has endured these put downs for a long time, and it can take a toll on his or her self esteem.

At another social event that I attended, I heard a wife making negative comments about her husband's inability to fix things around the house.  She made her comments in a teasing tone, and when her husband got embarrassed and asked her to stop, she said, "Oh, don't be so sensitive.  I was only teasing."  

Apparently, she was either unable or unwilling to see that her comments were hostile and showed contempt for her husband.  Instead, she accused him of being overly sensitive, which only humiliated him even more.

Underlying Issues in Relationships that Cause Belittling Behavior
There is no one-size-fits-all answer as to why couples do this to one another.  In my experience, like most passive aggressive behavior, it's often due to underlying issues in the relationship that the couple is not dealing with directly. 

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

When I see a couple where one or both of them engage in belittling, I help each of them to see the dynamic and work towards changing it.  Most of the time, if the person who engages in this type of belittling has some degree of empathy, s/he will come around and recognize that these comments are hostile and abusive.

At that point, we can explore a more tactful and respectful way of communicating.  We can also get to any underlying issues that might be causing these types of comments.  Usually, the person who engages is covert belittling recognizes that s/he is really angry about something else about the partner.  Or, s/he is feeling insecure about him or herself.

Belittling Behavior Disguised as "Teasing"
Belittling behavior, whether it's disguised as "teasing" or innocent remarks, has the potential to destroy a relationship.

If you or your partner recognize this pattern in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from seeing an experienced couples counselor to help you both to learn to communicate in a healthier way.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples.  I have helped many couples to improve the way they communicate so they could have a happier relationship.

I specialize in working with clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and other mind-body oriented psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do Your Friends See Red Flags About Your Partner that You Don't See?

One of the most challenging situations between friends is when your friends don't like your lover or vice versa.  At times, your friends might not like your lover because they see things about him or her that you don't see.  It can be a very disappointing and frustrating situation.  It can put a strain on your friendships and on your relationship.

Do Your Friends See Red Flags About Your Partner That You Don't See? 

The following example, which I'm providing with permission from a friend, with names changed and all identifying information changed, illustrates how friendships can be challenged in this type of situation:

John:
John and I have been close friends for more than 20 years. Several years ago, he began dating Ali.  Prior to dating Ali, John had been in a two year divorce battle with the woman who was his wife at the time, which left him emotionally depleted and disillusioned about relationships.

So when those of us who were close to him heard how enthusiastic he was about this new person he was dating, we were thrilled for him and looked forward to meeting Ali.  But all of that changed when we met Ali one night over dinner at John's apartment.   Within a few minutes of meeting us, she told me she "didn't believe in psychotherapy," she told our journalist friend that she didn't like his newspaper, and she kept calling another friend by the wrong name (even though our friend kept telling her the right name). Ali looked bored throughout the meal as if her participation was part of a court mandated community service penalty.

About an hour in, she told John she felt a headache coming on and she asked him to drive her home. Throughout the dinner, John sat there gushing over Ali, looking at us and saying, "Isn't she wonderful!"  We all nodded our heads politely, not knowing what to say.  He was so smitten with her that he didn't even notice how she behaved towards his friends.

It was an awkward situation, but I thought, "He's really crazy about her, and I guess if she treats him well and he's happy, that's what really matters." But no sooner did I have this thought when I heard Ali criticizing John, while he was telling us he'd be back shortly, for not being quick enough to get his car to drive her home. She barely said good night to us as she sailed out the door.

After they were gone, we were silent for a long minute.  Finally, Amy broke the silence, "This is a nightmare! What are we going to do? Should we say something to John?"  We decided to wait to see if he asked us for our opinions about Ali.  But when John returned, he was gushing about her. Knowing how unhappy he had been in his marriage and how enthusiastic he was about Ali, none of us had the heart, at that point in time, to say anything negative.

A few days later, I met John for lunch. It was just the two of us.  When he brought up Ali, he told me that he hadn't been this happy in a long time.  Prior to that, I considered talking to John, hoping to spare him the heartache that seemed like it would come inevitably.  But he didn't seem to want to hear it, so I hesitated.  Sensing my hesitation, he said, somewhat defensively, "I know she's rough around the edges, but I really care about her.  All I ask is that you get to know her and give her a chance."  His look made it clear that he didn't want to hear anything negative, so I kept quiet.

Over the next couple of months, I socialized with John and Ali a few more times with similar results.  Each time she showed very little interest in getting to know John's friends and she found some reason to end the night early, insisting that John leave too.  It was painful to see John being bossed around like this and his being so unaware of Ali's behavior.  But he had already made it clear to all of us that he didn't want to hear anything negative.  I reasoned that he is an adult who could make his own decisions. His other friends and I were all dismayed, but we respected the boundary he set.

Then, one day I got a late night call from John, who sounded very upset.  He asked if he could come over to talk.  When he arrived, he threw himself on my couch and began to cry.  He looked awful, as if he had already been doing a lot of crying. I waited for him to compose himself, and then he told me that Ali informed him via text message that she no longer wanted to see him. He couldn't believe she would end things this way. He never saw it coming.  Then, with a touch of resentment, he said, "You knew all along that she wasn't right for me, but I didn't want to hear it."

In the weeks that followed, John and I were able to talk about what happened. He told me that he knew I had his best interests at heart, and he wished he had been more open to hearing my feedback, as well as the feedback of his other friends.  He was hoping so much that this relationship would work out that he put blinders on.

John did eventually meet another woman and they're happy together.  But every once in a while, he talks about how he ignored all the obvious negative signs with Ai, and how he discouraged his friends from saying anything negative about her.

This is a common experience for many people. Fortunately, this situation didn't destroy longstanding friendships.  But many similar situations end badly for friendships.

Of course, friends aren't always right when they disapprove of your lover, but if if you have close friends that you know have your best interests at heart, isn't it worth it to take a moment to consider if they might be seeing things about your lover that you don't want to see? Especially at the beginning of a relationship, love be truly blind. It's easy to say, "They don't know him the way I do."  But very often, like John, you do know when something is amiss in your relationship, but you don't want to see it.

What is Your Responsibility to Your Friend if He or She is in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
If you're the friend of someone who is with a lover who doesn't seem right for him or her, what is your responsibility towards your friend?  This can be a tough dilemma, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer. If your friend is in a physically abusive relationship, you should talk to him or her about it.  But in other situations, where your friend doesn't want to hear any criticism, sometimes all you can do is let him or her know you're there as a friend.  As in the case of John, your friend will probably come to you for support when the relationship falls apart.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients with relationship issues.

To find out more about me visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dream Work

I've been rereading Stephen LaBerge's book, Lucid Dreaming because of my strong interest in dreams in general, and lucid dreams in particular.  One of the recommendations he makes about dealing with nightmares is that, rather than avoiding them, to deal directly with nightmarish figures in dreams, which is a creative form of dreamwork to help overcome unconscious aspects that crop up in our dreams.

 Nightmares

Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dream Work

For most of us, our usual reaction to waking up from a nightmare is to be glad we've awoken and want to immediately avoid thinking about it. But I agree with Dr. LaBerge that avoiding the unpleasant aspects of dreams and thinking we're now off the hook is, as he states, a little like a prisoner who digs his way out of his prison cell only to find that he's in the cell next door.  You haven't escaped. You've merely exchanged one cell for another, and whatever unresolved issues you might be having remain unconscious for potentially more nightmares.

Lucid Dream Work with Nightmares While Asleep

Dr. LaBerge has recommendations in his book on how to do dream work with nightmares while in a lucid state in the dream as well as strategies for dealing with nightmarish figures while awake.  The main focus of the book is how to achieve lucidity in dreams while asleep, which can be a very exciting and useful state to achieve.  But learning to transform nightmarish figures after the dream by having a "dialogue" with them can also be a creative solution to overcoming nightmares.

Dr. LaBerge recommends that, even in a waking state, we can use our imagination to create this dialogue with the figure from the nightmare by asking this figure who s/he is and what message he or she might have for you.  This can be done with paper and pen (or on computer).  In order to do this, we must suspend disbelief while we're doing this exercise and not worry about looking silly.  Anyway, you're likely to be doing this on your own, so why worry about what other people might think?  You'd be doing this to overcome an unpleasant experience so it doesn't continue to recur.

Dream Work and Hypnotherapy

This same type of dream work can also be done with a skilled hypnotherapist who works with dreams and who can help you to get back into the dream state to do the work. It often feels safer to do dreamwork with a trained therapist, especially for recurring dreams, rather than trying to do it on your own.  It all depends on how comfortable you are doing the work.

Lucid Dreams

In any case, I recommend the book, "Lucid Dreaming" by Dr. Stephen LaBerge, which can be obtained in either paperback or as an e-book.  The advantage of the paperback is that you get a CD with helpful suggestions.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR clinician, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I have also helped many clients to find creative solutions to their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You can also read my article about Dream Incubation.