Relationships: How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focusing on the 5 Stages of Relationships in my recent articles:

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Commitment Stage and how to navigate changes in this stage of your relationship.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

As a recap: The 5 Relationship Stages including the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Commitment Stage of a Relationship?

The Commitment Stage usually occurs after two or more years.

The Commitment Stage includes:

• An acceptance of each other flaws and annoying habits

• An awareness that the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative aspects

• An increased comfort with each other than in the prior stages

• A feeling of safety and security in the relationship

What Are the Challenges of the Commitment Stage?

• Continue improving your communication skills (see my article: Improving Communication Skills: Do You Want to Be Heard, Helped or Hugged?

• Assess if your needs and wants are being responded to by your partner and vice versa

• Maintain an awareness of the goals you and your partner have set

• Become aware of the sexual intimacy in your relationship and if the need for security and safety have decreased the sexual intimacy (see my article:  Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the challenges of the Commitment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Bill

Three years into their relationship, Jane and Bill got engaged. 

At that point, they were living together for two years and they felt comfortable, secure and emotionally safe with each other.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They had already navigated the challenges of Honeymoon, Uncertainty and Adjustment Stages, but they were having problems with sexual intimacy in their relationship so they sought help from a couples therapist who was also a certified sex therapist.

In their couples therapy they realized that their relationship, which was once passionate and exciting, had transitioned into almost a friendship once they became emotionally secure and safe with each other.

While they were happy that they felt close to each other, they missed the sexual passion they once experienced in the earlier part of their relationship.

Their couples/sex therapist helped them to keep their emotional intimacy while improving their sexual intimacy. 

They realized they had gradually let go of the sexual part of their relationship which got crowded out by work and personal obligations. 

They didn't expect sex to be as exciting as it had been during the Honeymoon Stage of their relationship, but they wanted to have more satisfying sex.

Although they were reluctant to do it at first, they learned to schedule sex so it didn't get crowded out of their schedule (see my article: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex).

They realized that, before they lived together, the longing and anticipation during the early stage of their relationship was no longer present (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

They also learned from their couples/sex therapist about spontaneous and responsive desire and that most couples who have been together for a while experience responsive desire.

Responsive desire means they might not feel sexually turned on before they begin to have sex, but they could get turned on once they start (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Common and Normal).

Both Jane and Bill were skeptical at first, but they agreed to include sex in their schedule and realized that it was true that once they began kissing, they both got turned on and could have satisfying sex.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They also learned about certain sex therapy techniques like the simmer technique which helped them to simmer sexual desire between their sexual encounters (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Simmering Technique).

With help in couples/sex therapy, Jane and Bill learned to have passionate sex again.

Conclusion

One of the potential problems of the Commitment Stage is that the security and safety of the relationship can transform the relationship into a friendship or roommate situation.

This change can occur so gradually that it might take a couple a while to realize that sex has gone out the window.

The good news is that a couple can revive their sex life so they can have satisfying sex again with the help of a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy (most couples therapists are not trained in sex therapy).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

If your problems include sexual problems, see a therapist who is also a certified sex therapist.

Working with a licensed therapist who has an expertise related to your problems can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focused on navigating various relationship stages in relationships in the last couple of article.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

    See my prior articles: 

How to Navigate the 5 Stages of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In the current article, I'm focusing on how couples can navigate the Adjustment Stage.

As a recap: There are 5 Relationship Stages including the 

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Adjustment Stage?

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, money, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the unique problems associated with the Adjustment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Tina and Joe

Two and a half years into their relationship, Tina and Joe moved in together in an apartment in New York City.

Soon after they moved in together, they realized they had different views about money.  Tina considered herself to be a saver and Joe thought of himself as a spender.

Tina didn't realize how much debt Joe had until they moved in together and she saw his bills coming in the mail. She was shocked that he owed over $25,000 in credit card debt and he didn't seem worried about it.  This debt was on top of his student loans, which were significant.

Although they kept their money in separate accounts and they were both high earners, Tina worried that they would have to wait longer than she anticipated to buy a co-op apartment. 

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

When she broached the topic with Joe, she felt dismissed. He said he wasn't worried about it at all because he knew he could pay off the credit card debt with money his parents would give him if he asked them (see my article: How to Stop Arguing About Money).

Tina told Joe she felt anxious with his asking his parents for money because she wanted them to live within a budget. She felt his parents could be intrusive at times and if they lent him money, they would want to be involved in their decision-making. 

At the same time, she knew this was his debt and she wasn't sure if she had the right to tell him how to handle it.

This lead to a discussion about their relationship goals including their goal to buy a co-op apartment in Manhattan.  She had no outstanding debt, but she worried that they might be denied a mortgage due to Joe's high debt (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

After several big arguments, they began couples therapy to sort out these issues. During couples therapy, Joe learned active listening skills instead of dismissing Tina's concerns (see my article: Relationships: Arguing About Money).

Tina admitted that she had many sleepless nights worrying about Joe's debt and what they might mean for buying an apartment. She learned in couples therapy how to calm herself so she could sleep at night.

Prior to talking in couples therapy, Joe had not taken his credit card debt seriously, but once they talked about it in terms of buying a Manhattan apartment, he realized he needed to be more aware of his spending habits.

During their couples therapy sessions Joe and Tina were able to clarify their relationship goals which helped Joe feel more comfortable with being on a budget.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

Joe also realized that he had been too financially dependent on his parents and this dependence came with strings. Specifically, his parents felt they could tell him what to do, which he never liked.

Both Tina and Joe developed increased self awareness in couples therapy. They  also learned to work together as a team to resolve their problems.

Staying within a budget was a difficult adjustment at first for Joe, but as he and Tina began looking at co-op apartments online, he felt motivated to make sacrifices now for their future together.

Eventually, Joe paid down his debt and he and Tina began attending open houses to purchase a co-op.

Conclusion

As mentioned in earlier articles, relationship stages don't always occur in a linear way.  These stages can come up at any time.

Making changes can be challenging, but when couples have relationship goals, they're usually able to put these adjustments in context for their goals (similar to Joe and Tina in the vignette above).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the challenges in your relationship so you can have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In my previous article, How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages, I described the five stages of a relationship which includes the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

In the current article, I'm exploring the Uncertainty Stage in more detail. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

As a recap:

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty as to whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

A Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette illustrates the problems couples encounter in the Uncertainty Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Molly and Ray

Molly and Ray were in their  mid-30s.

Two and a half years into their relationship, they were arguing more. The initial passion they felt for each other during the first six months, which is known as the Honeymoon Stage, had subsided and they were arguing about wedding planning.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Their main problem centered around religion. Molly was raised in a conservative Jewish family and Ray was raised in a Catholic family. Neither of them were religious anymore and they knew they didn't want to have children, but they also knew both their families would want them to have a wedding that reflected their particular religious beliefs. 

Since they couldn't work these issues out on their own, they decided to seek help in couples therapy. 

In couples therapy they learned how to communicate in a healthier way and respect each other's perspectives. They realized that neither of them wanted a religious ceremony, but they also didn't want to disappoint their parents. 

Over time, they approached this problem as a team and each of them felt more confident about dealing with their families.

After Molly spoke to them, her parents were very angry and they said they would not come to the wedding. 

Ray's parents were very disappointed after he spoke to them, but they had accepted long ago that, unlike them, Ray was no longer a practicing Catholic.

Initially, Molly didn't think she could go through with a secular wedding which her parents would refuse to attend. At one point, she wondered if they should break up rather than alienate their families.  But, as they continued to attend their couples sessions, she felt more confident that she could stand up to her family. She realized she couldn't control them and she accepted she had to make her own decisions. Shortly after that, she and Ray got engaged.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Molly accepted that her parents had cut her off, but then she was shocked to hear from her mother, who had been doing her own soul searching. She told her that she and Molly's father wanted her to be happy and they decided to come to the wedding. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

After the wedding, Molly and Ray continued in couples therapy to work on compromises related to smaller issues like certain annoying habits they each had. By then, their communication skills had improved so they were able to discuss issues in a calmer manner.

Over time, their relationship evolved from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage regarding their issues. 

During their marriage they had other challenges where they were back in the Uncertainty Stage, but they had the skills and tools they learned in couples therapy to get them through these times.

Conclusion

As mentioned in my previous article, the 5 Stages of a Relationship are presented in a linear way for the sake of clarity, but couples don't necessarily go through the stages in a linear way.  It's possible they can skip certain stages at various points in their relationship and then go through them at other points.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner feel stuck in a particular stage of your relationship, you can seek help from an experienced couples therapist to help you work through these issues.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you navigate certain problems to either strengthen your relationship or help you to end it in as amicable way as possible.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps couples.  

Also See My Article:

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples are unaware that relationships change over time and there are usually several stages a couple can go through.  

It's not surprising that couples don't always know about these different stages because hardly anyone outside the mental health field talks about it.

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Knowing about these stages can help you to navigate and adapt to the changes.

Of course, every relationship goes at its own pace so, even though approximate times are provided in this article as to when these changes occur, they might not occur in exactly this way for you.

The stages are presented in a linear way in this article for the sake of clarity, but couples can go through different stages at different times or go back to previous stages depending upon what is happening in the relationship.

In this article, I'm providing an overview of the stages and the particular challenges for each stage.

In future articles I'll provide more details about each stage from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage (in prior articles, I've written about the Honeymoon Stage--see my article: What is the Honeymoon Stage of a Relationship?).

Why Do Relationships Change?

Relationships change because each person evolves and changes over time. 

Personal growth, increased self awareness, expanding your worldview and many other changes contribute to the changes in a relationship (see my article: What is the Growth Mindset vs the Fixed Mindset?),

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples make an effort to grow together and others develop independently. 

One way isn't necessarily better than another. But if one person is dedicated to personal development and expanding their world and the other person isn't, the couple can grow apart (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Are Growing Apart).

If the couple realizes they are growing apart, they can work towards deepening their connection and sharing more of themselves with each other (see my article: How You and Your Partner Can Get Closer If You Have Grown Apart).

What Are the 5 Stages of a Relationship?

• The Honeymoon Stage: This stage lasts anywhere from six months to several years. This phase is also known as the Limerence Stage.  This is the stage where you're both getting to know each other. You're probably on your best behavior during this stage. You might also have an idealized view of each other (see my article: Relationships: The Real vs the Ideal)

• Challenges of the Honeymoon Stage

• Overlooking red flags

• Being inconsistent with commitments

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Developing good communication with each other 

• Setting relationship goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship)

• Beginning to recognize early signs of possible incompatibility (see my article: How to Develop Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Stage)

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty of whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

• The Commitment Stage: If you both decide that what's good about the relationship outweighs whatever is challenging, you can accept that you're both in the relationship for the long term. 

• Challenges of the Commitment Stage
• Being willing to accept your partner's flaws and annoying habits because what's good about the relationship outweighs the problems and this gives you a better perspective about the relationship

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Being willing to fine tune your relationship skills including communication skills and problem solving skills

• The Acceptance Stage: This stage often occurs beyond five years. When you and your partner are able to overcome the challenges of the prior stages, you can develop a sense of safety and security in the relationship

• Challenges of the Acceptance Stage
• Too much safety and security and feeling like you're both "family" which can help you both to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of your relationship. But safety and security sometimes comes at the expense of a satisfying sex life for many couples (Balancing Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

• You might need to learn to keep your sex life satisfying by being more self aware in terms of what part of yourself you bring to your sexual encounters. You can also learn how to create sexual anticipation to spice up your sex life in your long term relationship (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with one of thsee stages, you could benefit from getting help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work on the issues affecting your relationship.

If you both want to stay in the relationship, a skilled couples therapist can help you to navigate the changes you need to make.

A skilled couples therapist won't have a particular agenda--whether you stay together or not. 

If you want to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you to end the relationship in a healthy way and, if you have children, discuss how to talk to your children and how to co-parent when you're no longer together.

Also See My Articles:

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -New York City Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

It's not unusual for people in relationships to find their partner's habits annoying. 

This usually isn't discussed when people are considering moving in together or getting married.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Sometimes people get caught in the trap of trying to change their partner, which tends to backfire (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change Your Partner).

When you and your partner live together, it's inevitable you will both experience moments of annoyance with each other. These moments might involve annoying habits you weren't aware of when you were dating (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Since you are two different people with your own unique personalities, values, habits and quirks, there are bound to be things that bother each of you. 

It's not a matter of whether you and your partner discover annoying habits about each other but rather how you will handle these situations.

Common Situations That People in Relationships Find Annoying

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have heard many clients complain about their partner's habits including:

• Arriving late without an apology or reason
• Forgetting to do chores on a consistent basis
• Leaving clothes on the floor
• Ignoring personal hygiene
• Leaving dirty dishes in the sink

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Not acknowledging or appreciating a partner's efforts
• Chewing loudly
• Looking at their phone a lot when they are supposed to be spending quality time together
• Drinking directly from a carton and putting the carton back in the refrigerator
• Nitpicking
• Leaving the toilet seat up
• And many other examples

How to Cope With Your Partner's Annoying Habits and Be Open to Hearing About Your Own

What one person finds annoying might not be at all annoying to someone else. So, don't be surprised if your partner has a hard time accepting that their habits are annoying or that when your partner tells you what they find annoying that you're also in denial.

Steps to Addressing and Hearing About Annoying Habits:

• Communicate Tactfully and with Empathy: Rather than waiting until you have reached your limit, talk to your partner in a calm and tactful way.  Chances are your partner isn't trying to be annoying (just as you're not trying to annoy your partner with your habits) so give them the benefit of the doubt.  A little empathy can go a long way.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Find a Convenient Time to Talk: Rather than having a conversation on the fly while your partner is racing out the door for work, find a convenient time for each of you where you can sit down calmly to discuss things.

• Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes and Be Flexible: You might feel that you have the best way for doing household chores, but your partner's way might be equally good. For instance, your way might be to wash the dishes as soon as you finish eating, but your partner might prefer to relax first. Neither way is right or wrong--just different.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Be Patient and Find a Compromise: For example, your partner might not be as good as you are with planning their time so they tend to arrive late. While they are in the process of learning to manage their time better, instead of looking at your watch and getting increasingly angry, can you use the time to answer an email, call a friend or read a newspaper article on your phone? You can both agree this is a temporary compromise as your partner is developing better time management skills.

• Balance Positive and Negative Feedback: Often when people get fed up with their partner's habits, they unleash a barrage of criticism against their partner. They might also "kitchen sink" their partner by telling them about all their annoying habits at once, which can be overwhelming for your partner to hear. So, make sure you start with some positive feedback so you don't hurt your partner's feelings with only negative feedback  (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

• Choose Your Battles: Think about what's most important to you. Maybe you live with your partner forgetting to put the toilet seat down, but you can't stand it when your partner leaves clothes on the floor. 

Are You Focusing on Annoying Habits When There Are More Serious Problems in the Relationship?

Sometimes couples argue about annoying habits when there are more serious underlying  problems in the relationship that they are either unaware of or they are reluctant to address.

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can avoid talking about serious problems in the relationship by focusing on annoying habits:

June and Roger

During the honeymoon phase of their relationship, June and Roger were in a long distance relationship. 

June lived in New York City and Roger lived in Dallas, so they only saw each other once or twice a month. During that time, they were so in love with each other that they couldn't wait to be together.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Six months into the relationship, Roger accepted a job in New York City and he moved in with June.  Initially, they were both so happy to be together, but over time, they began to argue over seemingly little things.

After they sought help in couples therapy, Jane complained that Roger was constantly texting on his phone--even when they had carved out special time to be together.  Roger said he tried to put away his phone, but he felt he had to respond promptly to texts.

They agreed to a compromise where Roger would put his phone away when they were out to dinner and only check it as they were leaving the restaurant or when they got home. But Roger had a hard time not looking at his phone during the dinner and June felt frustrated with him and disrespected.

Then, during one of their couples therapy sessions June mentioned reluctantly that she thought Roger was texting another woman. In response, Roger got quiet. 

When the couples therapist asked him for his reaction, Roger hesitated to speak, but then he admitted he was getting texts from his ex-girlfriend in Dallas, who wanted to get back together with him. 

He said she had been very dependent upon him when they were together and he felt he had to respond to her desperate texts (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?)

All the while when they were arguing about his texting during dinner, June sensed there was more to this problem, but she was in denial at that point. As a result, they were both reluctant to address the problem and their conversations focused on his phone use instead of the fact that he was secretly communicating with an ex-girlfriend.

Over time, June and Roger worked on her sense of betrayal and Roger's inability to set limits with his former girlfriend. He was clear that he didn't want to get back with her, but he was ambivalent about giving up his role in her life.

After June gave him an ultimatum to either stop communicating with his ex or she would leave him, Roger set limits with his ex and he blocked her on his phone. 

He also got into his own individual therapy to work on how unresolved childhood trauma related to his role as a parentified child contributed to his current problems.

Conclusion

It's common for couples to discover each other's annoying habits. 

Communicating with empathy can help your partner to understand why you find their habit annoying. You also need to develop an openness and willingness to hear about your own annoying habits.

There are times when couples focus on annoying habits as a way to avoid dealing with bigger problems like in the clinical vignette above.  

It's important to deal with underlying problems that might be causing problems in your relationship rather than tiptoeing around these problems.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Once you have worked through your issues, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing working with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Potential Pitfalls of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Relationships

There are many different kinds of consensual nonomonogamous relationships. 

Don't ask don't tell is just one of them which I'll discuss in this article (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

What Are Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) Relationships?

Generally speaking, in DADT relationships partners agree not to tell each other about the sexual or romantic relationships they have with other people. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Here are some of the most common aspects of DADT relationships:

• Focusing is on the Primary Relationship: DADT relationships allows partners to have other sexual or romantic experiences without divulging information about these relationships to each other. This allows each partner to have a degree of autonomy outside the relationship. At the same time, each person prioritizes the primary relationship. 

• Avoiding Conflict: Some couples choose DADT to avoid conflict, jealousy or hurt feelings. This helps some couples to manage the complexities of being in multiple relationships.

• Avoiding Details About Other Relationships: Whereas couples who believe in healthy privacy know about their other relationships (although maybe not all the details), DADT couples avoid discussing other relationships they might be in.

What Are the Potential Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell Relationships?

DADT can be difficult to maintain and it can lead to misunderstandings if information somehow leaks out and gets back to one or both of the partners.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

A couple needs to have good communication within the relationship as well as respect for each other's boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. DADT shouldn't be used as a way to get around poor communication in the relationship.

They must also be able to cope with unforeseen circumstances (see Vignette 1 below).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Vignette 1. Bob and Peter

Three years into their relationship, Bob talked to Peter about wanting to open up the relationship. Peter wasn't enthusiastic about having an open relationship, but he went along with Bob's wishes because he knew Bob liked sexual variety more than he did and he didn't want to deprive Bob from having those experiences. So they agreed that since Bob traveled a lot for work, he could have sexual affairs with other men while he was away on a trip but not when he was at home in New York City. Peter told Bob he didn't want to know any details about these other men. They both agreed these affairs were only sexual and that Peter wouldn't get emotionally involved with anyone. But three months later, Bob revealed he had formed an emotional attachment with another man who lived in Dallas and the other man wanted to move to New York City to see Bob more often. This news precipitated a crisis in their relationship.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Peter felt upset that, even though they both agreed that outside relationships would only be sexual, Bob had fallen in love. Now they were faced with this unforeseen circumstance which Bob was very unhappy about. They both agreed that Bob should put this other relationship on hold and the two of them would attend couples therapy to sort out their relationship. The result was that Bob knew he had broken their agreement. He hadn't intended on developing feelings for another man, but it happened because he disregarded their agreement to only see other people once or twice. At the same time, he didn't want to lose Peter so he broke off his other relationship. Then, Bob and Peter worked on coming up with a better nonmonogamous agreement for their relationship. Until they had their agreement, they agreed to remain monogamous.

Vignette 2. Sue and Ed

When Sue and Ed got together, Sue had a lot more relationship experience than Ed. Ed didn't start dating until his senior year in college. By the time he met Sue five years later, he felt he wanted to have more experience dating other women. Sue hated the idea, but she also knew that Ed needed these other experiences. Neither of them wanted to stop seeing each other, so they agreed to try DADT nonmonogamy. Even though they didn't share information about the other people they were dating, they both realized when each of them were with other people because they lived together. They each noticed when the other was texting a lot or getting phone calls they each kept private. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Then, one day Sue's friend told her she saw Ed kissing another woman at a neighborhood bar and asked Sue about it. Sue was embarrassed because neither she nor Ed had shared that they were in a DADT relationship. She was also annoyed with Ed for having a date in the neighborhood where their friends could see them. They both agreed they needed to have a more definitive agreement around these issues, so they sought help in couples therapy. During couples therapy Sue admitted she acquiesced to Ed's wishes to have an open relationship, but she never really wanted it. They both agreed to breakup so Ed could have the experiences he wanted and they would be in touch in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. Although they were both sad, they broke up in an amicable way and hoped to come back together again in several months.

Vignette 3. Jane and Bill

Both Jane and Bill had been in other open relationships before and they agreed that DADT worked for each of them past relationships. They agreed to keep their separate apartments so they each could maintain a degree of privacy and autonomy. There were times when each of them felt jealous about the other romantic relationships in their lives, but they were able to talk about it and assure each other that they were primary to each other (see my article: What is Compersion in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

They had an agreement that each of them wouldn't see another person more than once or twice to avoid forming emotional attachments with others. This worked out well for them. At the point when they wanted to move in together, they decided they no longer wanted to be in an open relationship. Instead, they were focused on building a life together and starting a family.

Discussion About the Vignettes

Vignette 1: Bob was the one who really wanted to be in an open relationship and Peter was just going along with it to please Bob.  Their agreement was that their relationship was primary, but Bob developed an emotional attachment to someone else, which created a crisis in Bob and Peter's relationship. Although this isn't an unusual experience in nonmonogamous relationships, neither of them were able to foresee that Bob might develop feelings for someone else. Fortunately, Bob realized he was going against their agreement and he didn't want to lose Peter, so he agreed to participate in couples therapy. They both realized they needed to put their open relationship on hold until they could prioritize their relationship and work out a more detailed agreement that they both could abide by.

Vignette 2: This is another example of one person going along with a DADT agreement when she didn't really want one. Sue felt humiliated when her friend saw Ed kissing another woman and Sue was annoyed that Ed was indiscreet in their neighborhood. During couples therapy Sue admitted she never wanted to be in an open relationship, but she knew Ed felt he needed to have experiences with other women. So, they agreed to break up so they both could see other people and get back in touch with each other in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. They both agreed this was a better alternative than Sue doing something she didn't want to do or Ed feeling deprived. 

Vignette 3: Jane and Bill had experience with other open relationships, so they already knew the potential pitfalls. They each had the autonomy and privacy they wanted and, at the same time they prioritized their relationship together. When jealous feelings came up, they discussed these feelings together and reassured each other their relationship was primary. This worked out well for both of them and, at the point when they wanted to move in and have children together, they focused on being monogamous together.

Conclusion

There are many ways to have an open relationship. Don't ask don't tell is just one of them.

DADT can work out if both people agree to it and don't enter into it as a way to appease a partner. They must also have good communication with each other and set clear boundaries within their DADT agreement.

Over a period of time, many couples transition between monogamy and open relationships depending upon their needs at various times in their lives. 

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner want help with working out an open relationship agreement or if you're having problems with an existing open relationship, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist who works with couples on these issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in the area where you're having problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.