Relationships: How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In my previous article, How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages, I described the five stages of a relationship which includes the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

In the current article, I'm exploring the Uncertainty Stage in more detail. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

As a recap:

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty as to whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

A Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette illustrates the problems couples encounter in the Uncertainty Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Molly and Ray

Molly and Ray were in their  mid-30s.

Two and a half years into their relationship, they were arguing more. The initial passion they felt for each other during the first six months, which is known as the Honeymoon Stage, had subsided and they were arguing about wedding planning.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Their main problem centered around religion. Molly was raised in a conservative Jewish family and Ray was raised in a Catholic family. Neither of them were religious anymore and they knew they didn't want to have children, but they also knew both their families would want them to have a wedding that reflected their particular religious beliefs. 

Since they couldn't work these issues out on their own, they decided to seek help in couples therapy. 

In couples therapy they learned how to communicate in a healthier way and respect each other's perspectives. They realized that neither of them wanted a religious ceremony, but they also didn't want to disappoint their parents. 

Over time, they approached this problem as a team and each of them felt more confident about dealing with their families.

After Molly spoke to them, her parents were very angry and they said they would not come to the wedding. 

Ray's parents were very disappointed after he spoke to them, but they had accepted long ago that, unlike them, Ray was no longer a practicing Catholic.

Initially, Molly didn't think she could go through with a secular wedding which her parents would refuse to attend. At one point, she wondered if they should break up rather than alienate their families.  But, as they continued to attend their couples sessions, she felt more confident that she could stand up to her family. She realized she couldn't control them and she accepted she had to make her own decisions. Shortly after that, she and Ray got engaged.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Molly accepted that her parents had cut her off, but then she was shocked to hear from her mother, who had been doing her own soul searching. She told her that she and Molly's father wanted her to be happy and they decided to come to the wedding. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

After the wedding, Molly and Ray continued in couples therapy to work on compromises related to smaller issues like certain annoying habits they each had. By then, their communication skills had improved so they were able to discuss issues in a calmer manner.

Over time, their relationship evolved from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage regarding their issues. 

During their marriage they had other challenges where they were back in the Uncertainty Stage, but they had the skills and tools they learned in couples therapy to get them through these times.

Conclusion

As mentioned in my previous article, the 5 Stages of a Relationship are presented in a linear way for the sake of clarity, but couples don't necessarily go through the stages in a linear way.  It's possible they can skip certain stages at various points in their relationship and then go through them at other points.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner feel stuck in a particular stage of your relationship, you can seek help from an experienced couples therapist to help you work through these issues.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you navigate certain problems to either strengthen your relationship or help you to end it in as amicable way as possible.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps couples.  

Also See My Article:

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.