Practicing Tolerance and Compassion in Your Relationship

Long term relationships can be challenging to maintain.  They require work and a lot of patience, tolerance and compassion.  Two of the biggest destroyers of relationships is excessive criticism and intolerance.  All long term relationships go through tough times and many survive those tough times and flourish.  Both people are often able to grow from these experiences, as individuals as well as couples.  But when the problems aren't part of an isolated difficult time and criticism and belittling have become a way of life in the relationship, over time, many couples breakup because the relationship can't withstand this.

Criticism and Contempt Ruin Relationships

In the worst cases, one or both people in the relationship feel and express contempt for each other.Expressing contempt doesn't necessarily mean that they're telling each other, "I hate you" (although this might be part of it).  Contempt can be expressed in many different ways, including contemptuous looks, back handed comments, and other indirect ways of communicating contempt.  In my opinion, it's the most damaging interaction a couple can engage in.  It erodes the other person's self esteem as well as the integrity of the relationship.

When I was in graduate school, I remember meeting a fellow student's husband after class.  I was appreciative of their offer to drive me home--until I heard my fellow student's husband call her "stupid" several times during the short ride.  Not only did he call her "stupid," but he said it with such contempt, as if she was the stupidest person that he ever met.  She pretended to laugh it off, but I could tell that it bothered her, as it would bother anyone.  Sitting in the back seat, I felt so uncomfortable being around them.  After that, I continued to associate with her, but I tried to avoid being around them as a couple.  Several years later, I was not surprised to hear that they got a divorce.  

Compassion and tolerance in a relationship can be very helpful in preserving a relationship.  Needless to say, I'm not talking about being tolerant of abuse, whether it's physical or verbal.  Rather, I'm referring to the common things that tend to annoy people.  No matter how charming we might find our partners or spouses at the beginning of the relationship, sooner or later we discover that they have annoying ways that irritate us, and vice versa.  Sometimes, the very things that we find charming in the beginning end up being the things that get under our skin later on.  

Rather than overreacting to what annoys you, it's much more helpful to have a larger perspective about the relationship.  If you want your relationship to grow and flourish, treat each other with lrespect, tolerance and compassion.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing Shame in Psychotherapy

Shame is an emotional that seems to be experienced by people regardless of their culture and origin.  We can begin to feel shame even as an infant, even before we have an understanding of what we're feeling ashamed about.

Healing Shame in Psychotherapy

Shame can cause us to withdraw into ourselves, fearing that others will see our shame and judge us.  If we withdraw into our shame, we feel even more isolated and the emotional pain of the shame often increases, sometimes to the point of feeling unbearable.  

Experiencing shame as an adult can trigger earlier memories of feeling ashamed, so that we're not only dealing with the current issues that cause us to feel ashamed but also the earlier incidents.  

We can feel shame even when we know, logically, that we have nothing to feel ashamed about.  In many instances, telling ourselves that we have no reason to feel ashamed or hearing someone else tell us does little or nothing to take away the shame.  It's as if there's a disconnect between what we know rationally and what we feel on an emotional level.

If we feel safe enough to talk to people that we trust, whether it's a close friend, family member or a therapist, about our shame, we soon realize that we're not alone in experiencing these feelings.  Talking about feeling ashamed often reduces or helps to alleviate the shame.

Shame and guilt often go together.  These two emotions are often confused with each other or used interchangeably.  But shame is an emotion that we feel about ourselves, whereas guilt is usually about something we did or didn't do in relation to someone else.  For instance, if you promise to do  something for a friend and you don't do it, you might feel ashamed of yourself and guilty about not following through with your friend.

Many people feel ashamed even when someone compliments them.  Often, this is because they feel they don't deserve the compliment or they're not "good enough."  

A pervasive feeling of shame often begins early in life, especially if there was emotional or physical neglect or abuse.  Children usually feel responsible for abuse and, as adults, they often carry these feelings with them, even after they know, on a rational level, that they're not responsible for the abuse.  

Getting Help in Therapy

The good news is that it's possible to work through issues about shame.  Clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are all effective, in used by a skilled mental health professional, in helping clients to overcome shame so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

When you're no longer burdened by shame, you have an opportunity to live with a sense of inner peace and in a more open and harmonious way with your loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many clients overcome shame and guilt.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Intergenerational Trauma: Recurring Nightmares

For many years, a friend of mine, Ann (not her real name), was having a recurring nightmare, which was very close to a dream she heard about from her mother when Ann was about four years old.   In her mother's nightmare, her mother couldn't find Ann, who was an infant in the dream.  She was panic stricken, in the dream, and she looked all over for Ann, but couldn't find her.  Finally, a man came along and took her to a place where there were lots of babies.  She looked at all the babies, hoping to find Ann, but all the babies looked alike and she still couldn't find Ann.

Transgenerational Trauma: Recurring Nightmares

Clearly, this was a recurring anxiety dream that stemmed from Ann's mother's long history of emotional trauma.  Hearing her mother's dream at such a young age stirred up a lot of anxiety for Ann that she was unable to contain because she was too young to handle it.  Her mother, who was a loving mother in many ways, didn't realize that she was overwhelming Ann by telling her about these recurring dreams, which she had at least a few time a month.

You can imagine how frightening it must have been for a child of four to hear that her mother kept losing her in her dreams.  Children of that age are completely dependent upon their parents and couldn't survive without them.  Trying to contain this type of anxiety at such a young age is beyond a child's capacities.

Soon after hearing about her mother's recurring nightmare, Ann began having a similar dream that involved losing her cat in the same way that her mother lost her in her mother's recurring dreams.  This dream about losing her cat and trying to find her cat among many cats that looked like hers went on until Ann was in her mid-30s.  She recognized that her recurring dream was related to her mother's anxiety dreams, but she didn't know what to do about it until she got help in therapy, at which time the nightmares stopped.

I'm using Ann's experience (with her permission) to illustrate that this is a common phenomenon with children who grow up trying to contain overwhelming amounts of anxiety that one or both parents are unable to contain themselves.  These recurring nightmares, which bear a remarkable resemble to a parent's dream, can go on for many years.  As an adult, an individual has a greater capacity to handle these anxiety dreams.  But they're still disturbing and carry the trauma that the parent was unable to carry.

Transgenerational Trauma
We know a lot more now about intergenerational trauma than we did when Ann was growing up.  We now know that emotional trauma can be passed on through many generations, even if the family members, who were originally affected by the trauma, never speak about it.  The children of many children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors are examples of this type of intergenerational trauma being passed on.

Dreams reveal what is going on for a person on an unconscious level, and even though Ann appeared to be a healthy, stable child, her dreams revealed that she was carrying a great deal of anxiety related to her mother's trauma.  Fortunately, she was able to get the help she needed from a psychotherapist who specialized in doing trauma work, and she was able to overcome the vicarious trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you've been traumatized by intergenerational trauma, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a licensed trauma therapist.

It is possible to overcome intergenerational trauma with the right help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or send me an email me.

Also see my article:  Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma

Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious

Often, when clients begin psychotherapy, they discover that there are many aspects of themselves that they are unaware of, especially if they've never been in therapy before.  One of the main goals of psychotherapy is for the unconscious to become conscious for these clients.

Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious 

"Making the unconscious conscious" is a common phrase in psychotherapy, but what does it mean?

A couple of examples, which are fictionalized scenarios, might help to shed some light:

John:
When John began psychotherapy for the first time, when he was in his late 30s, he was adamant that he never got angry towards anyone or anything.  His attitude was that it didn't make sense to get angry, so he never felt this.  He came to therapy because he was having panic attacks.  One of the first things that his therapist observed about John was that he was very tense.  He had deep frown marks between his eyes, and the muscles in his face and throughout his body were tight.  He had frequent gastrointestinal problems, asthma, insomnia, and joint pain, none of which his specialists were able to regulate with medication.  Even though John said he never got angry, he looked angry most of the time. And, it was apparent to his therapist (and most people who knew him) that he had been angry for many years, but he wasn't aware of it.  He was defended against it, on an unconscious level, because he felt it was "bad" to be angry.  Over time, as John developed trust in his therapist, he became more open to exploring his anger.  As he worked through his anger, most of his physical symptoms, which were psychophysiological in origin, disappeared.  It was apparent that, because his anger was so unconscious, he carried it in his body--until the unconscious (in this case, his anger) became conscious.

Mary:
Mary's parents were emotionally neglectful when she was growing up.  They provided her with a home, food clothing and basic necessities, but they were emotionallly unavailable to her.  She began therapy in her early 40s, because she was feeling depressed.  Her initial attitude in therapy, which was unconscious, was that, "My therapist should make me better."  She had no awareness that her attitude stemmed from a childhood of emotional neglect and the "inner child" part of her wanted the therapist to be a mother to her.  When this didn't occur, Mary became enraged.  She almost left therapy several times because she couldn't tolerate that her therapist couldn't make her better.  She refused to do any of the work and she all but stamped her foot to demand that her therapist do the therapy work for her.   Fortunately, even though it was difficult for her, she was able to tolerate being in therapy long enough to discover her unconscious wish to have the therapist mother her as if she were a baby.  After doing "inner child" work with her therapist, with assistance from her therapist, she learned to nurture her "inner child" and her  attitude changed to one of a mature woman.  If she had not stuck it out in therapy, the unconscious would not have become conscious for her, and she probably wouldn't have changed.

Making the unconscious conscious is one aspect of therapy, but it's an important one.  It's not always easy to face, but change is often not easy.  Until we're willing to discover and explore our unconscious attitudes, meaningful transformation remains elusive.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Self Soothing Techniques to Cope With Stress

As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, usually when clients begin psychotherapy with me, I like to know what emotional resources they already have before we begin trauma work.  I also like to know how resilient they are already or if they need help to develop resilience.  

Self Soothing Techniques to Cope With Stress 

If they have little in the way of internal and external resources, I usually teach them ways to take care of themselves between sessions, including meditation, certain self help EMDR therapy techniques, and using pleasant memories and images of relaxing places to help them relieve unpleasant emotional and physical activation between sessions.

I'm also continually amazed at what clients already know on an intuitive level with regard to self care. They might not even realize that what they're doing is calming themselves because they do it so  automatically with little or no awareness.

For instance, some clients know instinctively to put their hands over their hearts or their stomachs as a way to sooth themselves.  

When they're doing this, they often don't realize that they've touched themselves to soothe themselves.  

But, sitting across from them, I can see that, after they've made this gesture, their faces look calmer, their breathing is easier, there's more color in their faces, and they appear more present in the room.

When I point this out to clients and ask them to verbalize how they experience these gestures, they usually say that they're surprised that they're feeling better.  

Often, these gestures seem so basic, but they can be powerful in terms of transforming how they feel physically and emotionally.  

By verbalizing the experience, clients learn what's useful and it can become an emotional resource that they can use in the future.  Also, the act of verbalizing it helps the client to integrate the experience on both a physical and emotional level.

Other simple movements that can be soothing emotionally and physically include:  moving your neck (looking from side to side to help alleviate muscle tension in the neck and a feeling of emotional constriction); pressing your feet on the floor to feel more grounded; feeling the back of the chair against your back and how supportive this feels; and feeling how the weight of your body is supported by the chair you're sitting in.

Dance therapists know that movement can be very healing.  In order to use movement as a self soothing technique, you don't have to be a dancer or go to a dance therapist.  Very simple movements can shift how you feel.  

For instance, if you're feeling emotionally and physically constricted in your chest, you might try slowly and gently moving your arms out to your side and then raising your arms up along the sides of your ears (keeping your shoulders down).  

If you've ever done the Sun Salutation in yoga, you'll recognize this simple movement.  Most people find that moving your arms in this way helps to open up their chest, giving some relief on both a physical and emotional level.

Likewise, loosening up the joints, where a lot of tension is often stored, can help to release the tension.  Both yoga instructors and Reiki practitioners know we often hold a lot of emotion in our joints and simple, very gentle movements can be so beneficial.

The simple act of exhaling can also release stress and agitation.  Most of us will let out large sighs, sometimes without even realizing it, when we're experiencing stress or agitation.  The exhalation is a form of emotional and physical discharge.

In a prior blog post, I discussed Square Breathing as another form of self soothing that people can use when they're anxious or having a panic attack (see my article: Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

We all need supportive people in our lives for our well-being, especially during distressing times.  

But knowing that there are self soothing techniques that we can use when other people might not be around is, in itself, empowering because we know that we can take care of ourselves. 

And self care is an important part of maintaining our well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up  consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing

It often comes as a surprise to psychotherapy clients that setbacks are a normal part of any effort to change, including efforts to change in psychotherapy treatment.  Progress is almost never linear.  Along the way, there may be some detours and setbacks.  The challenge for most clients in psychotherapy is to stick with therapy when there are setbacks rather than giving up.

Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing

For many people, the inclination is to leave or to feel that therapy isn't working.  But if you know ahead of time that there will be certain setbacks along the path, you're more inclined to see these setbacks as temporary obstacles rather than getting frustrated and giving up.

People who have been involved in recovery programs for a while are more inclined to take setbacks in stride.  For instance, most people who are involved in 12 Step programs know that "relapse is part of recovery."  This doesn't mean that relapse is encouraged.  Rather, it recognizes, as human beings, we need to have compassion for ourselves and recognize that we'll make mistakes along the way.

The issue isn't about making mistakes or about temporary setbacks.  The real issue is about what you do when you have a setback:  Do you give up?  Do you become so frustrated with yourself that you feel you've failed?  Do you demand perfection of yourself (and possibly others)?  

A better approach for success in the long run is to learn from your mistakes or setbacks and get back on the path to progress.  Often, we learn more from making mistakes, in the long run, than if we just have a completely smooth path.  

If you look back on your own life, you can probably identify times when you learned a lot from making a mistake.  At the time, it might have felt very uncomfortable.  But with the advantage of hindsight, you can probably see that you learned from your mistake or setback and, possibly, you changed for the better in ways that you might never have changed if you hadn't experienced the setback.

When you have strong feelings about setbacks in psychotherapy, rather than leaving treatment, it's much more beneficial to discuss your feelings with your therapist.  You might not only be frustrated with yourself, but you also might feel angry with your therapist.  This is also a normal part of psychotherapy and most skilled, experienced psychotherapists know that this is part of treatment for many clients.  

For many clients who leave treatment when they've had a setback, this is part of a larger pattern in their lives where they give up and abandon their efforts when they make mistakes or when there are problems.  If this is your pattern, you have an opportunity to change this pattern in therapy in a way that's usually not available to you outside of therapy.  

Often, if you can stick it out and learn to tolerate your discomfort about a temporary setback, you can change a lifelong pattern so that you become more self confident.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You?

Couples who come for counseling often reveal that they were too afraid to talk to their spouses about things that were bothering them about the relationship.  It's not until they come for couples counseling that one or both of them reveal their fear of communicating what they perceive as upsetting discussions. Often, this takes the other spouse, who has not heard about it before, by surprise.

Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You?

Imagine the following scenario, which is a fictionalized account where one spouse was too afraid to talk to her husband about what was bothering her about their marriage:

Mary and Scott:

Mary and Scott, who were in their early 30s, were married for two years when they came to couples counseling.  Within the first year of marriage, Scott felt that Mary was distancing herself emotionally from him and he couldn't understand why.  Whenever he asked her about it, she would tell him that there was nothing wrong, but Scott had a strong sense that Mary was bothered about something and she just wasn't telling him.  

By the second year or marriage, Mary and Scott were hardly having sex.   Mary almost never initiated sex any more, and when Scott tried to initiate sex, most of the time, Mary said she was too tired or she had various aches and pains.  

Scott continued to feel that Mary was avoiding talking about something.  He was feeling increasingly frustrated by Mary's emotional and physical distancing from him, so he told her he thought they should attend couples counseling.  He hoped that, whatever was bothering Mary, maybe a skilled couples counselor could help them to communicate better.

Mary, who was from a traditional family where family members didn't talk about their feelings, wasn't comfortable with going to see a stranger to talk about their relationship.  She continued to insist that she was fine, but she relented when Scott told her how unhappy he was in their marriage and he hoped to be  able to salvage it in couples counseling.

Scott was very open in couples counseling.  But Mary found the initial sessions to be anxiety provoking.  It took several sessions for Mary to reveal that she felt jealous of Scott's new business partner, Linda, a vivacious, intelligent woman.  

Mary trusted Scott and she knew he wasn't cheating on her, but she felt inadequate whenever she compared herself to Linda.  She imagined whole scenarios in her mind where Scott would find Linda more attractive and interesting than her.  She was afraid Scott would fall in love with Linda.  Mary revealed, the more she thought about it, the less attractive she felt.  And the less attractive she felt, the more she wanted to avoid having sex because she felt inadequate. She told Scott that she was too afraid to tell him about her fears because she felt ashamed about it.

Scott was completely dumbfounded when Mary revealed what was bothering her.  He had no interest in Linda, other than as a business partner, and he didn't even find Linda to be attractive.  But he was more concerned that Mary allowed these thoughts to build up in her imagination and she never revealed this to him before.  

Mary, who had little relationship experience before she met Scott, learned to overcome her own feelings of inadequacy over time in therapy.

Overcoming Your Fear to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You

She also gradually learned how to communicate with Scott about things that made her feel uncomfortable.  Soon after that, they rekindled their relationship and they began having sex again, where Mary sometimes initiated.

There can be many reasons why someone is too afraid to talk to a spouse or romatic partner about what's bothering him or her.  Men are just as likely to have this problem as women.  Sometimes, as in the scenario above, it's because they come from a family where people don't talk about their uncomfortable feelings.  Sometimes, it's because they're not aware of what's bothering them or they minimize it. 

These kind of communication problems can erode a relationship over time, causing emotional and sexual distance.  

Getting Help in Couples Counseling

If you or your partner are having problems communicating about what's bothering either of you in  your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get professional help.  Many couples who come for couples counseling to deal with this issue have overcome this problem and have gone on to have satisfying relationships.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.