Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Responsive Sexual Arousal

This is the second part of a series about sexual arousal types.  The prior article was Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Arousal.   

Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

As I mentioned in my prior article, both spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal are normal.  But since spontaneous sexual arousal is most often portrayed in movies and TV programs, many people believe that responsive arousal is abnormal.  This includes people who often come to sex therapy believing they have either low libido or there's something else wrong with them.

As a result, responsive sexual arousal is usually misunderstood, so it's worth spending some time to discuss it here.

One caveat: For a variety of reasons, sexual arousal type isn't always constant.  It can change over time in different contexts, with age, with different people and during different phases of a relationship.  

Characteristics of People with Responsive Sexual Arousal

If you're unsure as to whether you experience spontaneous or responsive sexual arousal, you can take a look at the characteristics of the spontaneous type in the prior article and compare it to the characteristics described below for the responsive type and see which one resonates with you.

The responsive type tends to experience sexual arousal:

• As a reaction to a sexual stimulus

• Within an erotic context

• By experiencing a willingness to have sex with a partner  

A willingness to have sex means starting to have sex before experiencing sexual arousal and then experiencing sexual arousal as a result of getting sexually involved (see my article: For People With a Responsive Sexual Arousal Type, a Willingness to Have Sex is Often Enough to Get Sexually Aroused - Part 1 and Part 2).  

It's important to note that a willingness to have sex doesn't mean that someone is forcing themselves to have nonconsensual sex. 

Instead, a willingness to have sex means that people with responsive arousal know that they'll get sexually turned on eventually as a result of engaging in consensual sex, including kissing, cuddling or whatever gets them turned on. 

This is different from the spontaneous arousal type where arousal often begins with thinking about sex which leads to getting physically turned on.  

For the responsive arousal type, they need to experience it physically first before they get mentally turned on.  This is why starting sexual activities on a physical level eventually gets them turned on mentally.

It's not unusual for people with the responsive type to recognize during or even after sex that they got turned on.  So they might reflect to themselves after sex, "This was good. I enjoyed this.  We should do this more often."

Relationships Where People Have Different Sexual Arousal Types

It's very common for people in a relationship to have different sexual arousal types.  One person might have a spontaneous type and the other might have a responsive type (see the prior article for clinical vignettes illustrating these differences).

A discrepancy in arousal type is one of the most common reasons why people seek help in sex therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

The person who unknowingly experiences responsive arousal often thinks that they have low libido or no libido, especially when they compare themselves to their partner with spontaneous arousal.  

But responsive arousal isn't low libido.  It's just a different way of getting sexually turned on.  So, when people with responsive arousal realize this, they're often relieved.  Then, they can focus on what to do sexually so they and their partners both get turned on.

Clinical Vignette: Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple where they believe one of them has low libido when, in fact, she really has responsive sexual arousal.

Anna

When Anna began sex therapy, she told her sex therapist she felt discouraged about her so-called "low libido" and she worried about the effect this was having on her two year relationship with Mick.  

She told her sex therapist that when she and Mick first got together, they had a passionate sex life.  She remembered that just the anticipation of seeing each other was enough to get them both sexually excited.

But after the first six months, although Mick continued to be enthusiastic about having sex, Anna's sexual interest waned for reasons she didn't understand.

She told her therapist that she often rejected Mick's sexual advances because she "just wasn't in the mood."  She didn't understand what happened and told her therapist, "I feel broken."

As part of the sex therapy assessment, her sex therapist explored Anna's family, relationship and sexual histories in detail over the next few sessions.  

The sex therapist explained sexual arousal types, including spontaneous and responsive types, and she emphasized that both types are normal.  

She told Anna that she wasn't broken--she just experienced arousal in a different way after the initial excitement related to the early stage of the relationship.  

She explained to Anna that the early stage of a relationship usually includes new relationship energy (NRE) where people feel a rush of dopamine and oxytocin, but NRE wears off anywhere from a few months to a few years.  

After NRE subsides, she explained, the initial excitement subsides and it becomes evident that one person might have a responsive type of sexual arousal, which seemed to be the case with Anna.

Based on Anna's sexual history, the sex therapist evaluated that Anna did not have low libido.  She told Anna that responsive sexual arousal often gets mistaken for low libido.  Then, she suggested, since Anna didn't have a sexual problem, that Anna invite Mick to join her in sex therapy sessions so they could work on their different experiences of arousal together as a couple.

Working together in sex therapy, Anna and Mick learned how they each experienced sexual arousal as individuals and what they needed to do to have good sex together (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

As part of their sex therapy, they explored their sexual memories of being together when they first started seeing each other.  One thing they both agreed upon was that during the early days the anticipation of knowing they would be sexual was a powerful aphrodisiac for both of them (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

They also learned about their particular sex script as a couple and what changes they could make so sex would be more pleasurable for both of them (see my article: Relationships: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Their sex therapist provided them with psychoeducation about emotional aphrodisiacs and helped them to increase the erotic energy between them by building longing and anticipation into their sexual activities.  

One way they accomplished this was they planned to have sex at least a few days in advance.

At first, Anna and Mick thought that planning to have sex would be unsexy.  This was because they were both stuck on the idea that hot sex should happen spontaneously and effortlessly like the way they saw it portrayed on TV and in movies.  But they soon learned that planning to have sex could be very sexy.  

During the days before they planned to have sex, each of them allowed themselves to have sexual fantasies about what they wanted to do sexually.  

They also learned how to be sexually playful with each other leading up to the day they planned to have sex by sending sexy texts messages to each other and playfully teasing each other in other ways.  This helped to build sexual tension, longing and anticipation for each of them.

Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

Anna and Mick became aware that if they both slowed down and spent more time engaging in foreplay, sex was more pleasurable for both of them (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse).

By the end of sex therapy, Anna no longer felt broken. Both she and Mick developed a better understanding of spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal and what they each needed to get turned on, so sex became exciting again for both of them.

Conclusion

Everyone is different when it comes to how they experience sexual arousal.

It's not unusual for each person in a relationship to experience discrepancies in sexual arousal, but if each person understands what the other needs to feel sexually aroused, these discrepancies can be worked out in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is for individual adults and people in relationships.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. It doesn't involve any nudity, physical exams or sex during sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex even with their partners, and sex therapy can people to get comfortable so they can communicate about sex more effectively (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

A skilled sex therapist can also help you to discover your sexual arousal type as well as your sex script so you can make changes to have a more satisfying sex life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

In my prior article, Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal, I began a discussion about the differences between spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

I also discussed that differences in how people experience sexual arousal is a common problem for couples and often leads to the demise of the relationship if the couple doesn't get help in sex therapy.

In this article, I'm focusing on spontaneous sexual arousal in more detail, and I'll discuss responsive arousal in detail in my next article.

Characteristics of People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

If you're not sure which sexual arousal type you are, see if the characteristics listed below resonate with you and then read the upcoming article article on responsive arousal to see if you identify with those characteristics (I'll post a link at the end of this article when I've written this second article).

According to sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal and both types are normal.

The following general characteristics describe many individuals with spontaneous sexual arousal:

• Sex is very important to them.

• They're curious about sex and thinking about sex most of the time regardless of the circumstances and context.

• They love any opportunity to talk about sex and if the opportunity doesn't naturally arise, they might create an opportunity.

• They're very aware of their bodies, especially when they're sexually turned on.

• Their body is easily and spontaneously aroused sexually for no apparent reason.

• They're often ready for sex at any moment. 

• They have frequent sexual fantasies.

• They're often frequent masturbators.

• They often use sex, either solo sex (masturbation) or partnered sex, as a way to relieve stress and anxiety.

• They often exude sexual energy--it's like sexual energy is coming out of their pores and others are often aware of it and can get turned on by it.

• They're more likely to be the sexual initiator.  If they don't actually initiate sex, they give off flirty vibes and let the other person know, sometimes subtly and sometimes boldly, that they're sexually turned on and open to having sex.

• They're often willing to have sex anywhere and anytime without any particular external sexual stimulation or sexual initiation from the other person.  If they're particularly turned on, this might mean that they have car sex or other types of public place (parks, movies, dark corners in museums and so on).

• For women: Spontaneous sexual arousal often includes the following characteristics:

• Nipples are hard (often visible for women with large nipples)
• Genitals become wet
• Clitoris, in particular, is engorged with blood, erect and becomes more sensitive
• Body temperature rises
• Blood pressure might rise 
• Breath is often deeper
• Skin tone might become flush
• Licking or biting lips

• For men: Spontaneous sexual arousal for men often includes many of the same characteristics that women experience, and in addition:

• A focus on their penis
• Penis can get hard and erect fairly easily when aroused and for no apparent reason
• Physical contact including touching the other person's arm, shoulder, back or leg or pressing their leg against the other person if they're seated
• Voice often becomes deeper
• Awareness of the other person's body, which they're checking out
• Complimentary to someone they're turned on by
• Sit with their legs spread when they're with someone they're aroused by
• Try to get physically close to the other person

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites to protect confidentiality, are about people of the same and different arousal types:

Scenario 1: Ken and Jill: 

Two People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

When Ken and Jill met at a mutual friend's party, they were sexually attracted to one another instantly.  Ken noticed Jill's sexy vibe and he was instantly drawn to her.  He was also aware of his sexual response to her and to her body.

Jill was also aware that she was sexually turned on by Ken immediately and she was already having sexual fantasies about what she and Ken could be doing sexually later on that night.  She noticed that when they sat down on the couch, Ken sat close to her so that his leg was touching and slightly pressing hers, and she felt tingles all over her body.  

By the end of the night, they were back at Jill's place having passionate sex.  

Scenario 2: John and Ann: 

One Person With Spontaneous Arousal and One Person With Responsive Sexual Arousal

John and Ann met on a dating app. When they met for their first date, John was immediately drawn to Ann sexually.  He could barely listen to what she was saying because he was so turned on.  Although Ann liked John, she wasn't sexually turned on. 

After three dates, Ann had mixed feelings about inviting John up to her apartment, but she invited him with the understanding that she wanted to "take things slowly." Although he was a little disappointed, John agreed.  

After settling on the couch, John initiated a kiss and Ann responded.  Although she enjoyed kissing John, her mind was preoccupied with thoughts about an interview she had the following day, so she told John she needed to end the date early.  Once again, John was disappointed, but he liked Ann and he decided to give things a chance between them.  

For their next date, John arranged for a candlelight dinner at a quiet and romantic restaurant and Ann was pleasantly surprised. By then, she had gotten the job offer and she was no longer stressed about that.  

When they went up to John's apartment, John was very turned on, and Ann wasn't turned on at that point.  But when they kissed, Ann became aware that she felt a sexual attraction for John and they had sex that night.

Discussion About the Two Scenarios

In Scenario 1, both people experienced spontaneous sexual arousal.  They were both aware they were turned on by each other, so they were both ready to have sex.

In Scenario 2, John experienced spontaneous sexual arousal and Ann experienced responsive arousal. For people who experience responsive arousal, context is important.  

Since Ann was preoccupied with thoughts about her upcoming interview, the context wasn't right for her with regard to feeling sexually aroused.

Stress and anxiety can get in the way of sexual arousal for anyone, but this is especially true for people with responsive arousal.  

When John chose a restaurant that had a quiet, calm and romantic environment, he helped to create the right context for Ann, who was also no longer anxious and stressed about her interview.  

Kissing at John's apartment also helped Ann to get sexually aroused (prior to that she wasn't sexually aroused).  

Since she experienced responsive sexual arousal, kissing (or any type of sexual activity) was important to help her to get in the mood.  

If these two people continued to see each other, they both would need to be aware of the other person's sexual arousal type with John slowing down to give Ann a chance to get turned on and Ann being willing to start sex (kissing, touching) in order to get turned on.

As I will discuss in my next article, people with responsive sexual arousal often need the context to be conducive to sexual arousal, and they often don't feel sexually aroused until they begin having sex. 

In this case, I'm using the word "sex" in a broad sense--not just sexual intercourse--to include kissing, touching and other forms of sexual activity that occur before intercourse. 

Next Article: Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Since 75% of men and only 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal, discrepancies are obviously common in heterosexual relationships.

A discrepancy in arousal type can get worked through in a relationship if each person understands their own and their partner's arousal type and if they're willing to work on it in sex therapy.

Couples therapists, who aren't trained in sex therapy, often don't know how to help clients with different arousal types.  Often, they focus on helping the clients to improve their communication and work on things that will bring them closer together emotionally.  This can work for some couples, but it doesn't always help others because there are many couples who have great relationships outside of the bedroom, including great communication, but their sex life either isn't good or it's nonexistent.

A skilled sex therapist can help couples understand and work with their sexual arousal discrepancy so that they are more sexually attuned to each other and they can have more satisfying sex (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or touching between the client(s) and the sex therapist (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a sex therapist who is knowledgeable about sexual arousal types and who has helped couples to overcome problems with discrepant sexual arousal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal

In her groundbreaking book, Come As You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski explains why two people in a relationship often experience differences in sexual arousal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

What is New Relationship Energy (NRE)?

Before delving into the topic of spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal, it's important to understand the impact of New Relationship Energy (NRE) at the beginning of a relationship.

During the early stage of a relationship, differences in sexual arousal aren't as noticeable because both people are experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is a potent cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine.  

New Relationship Energy Can Produce a Strong Sexual Response

New Relationship Energy (NRE) usually involves a strong emotional, physical and sexual response.  It's what people often experience when they say they feel "love at first sight" or a powerful sexual attraction.

NRE occurs during the so-called honeymoon phase of a relationship when both people feel high from the chemicals in their brain when they get together. And when they're not together, they are filled with anticipation about the next time they'll see each other (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Although many people enjoy NRE, others find that it clouds their judgment in terms of choosing a healthy relationship (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? ).

It can also be exhausting because people often feel "love drunk" with feelings that cause them to obsess about the person they're in love and/or in lust with.  For these reasons, many people don't trust NRE, especially if they have history of making poor relationship choices.

The NRE spark can fade anywhere from a few months and to a few years.  After that, if the couple remains together and all goes well, the couple can develop a more mature kind of love that is more likely to stand the test of time.

After the NRE fades, differences in sexual arousal become more apparent, and many couples think there is something wrong because one (or both) of them might not be experiencing the strong sexual desire they did at the beginning of the relationship.

Understanding Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal

Some couples assume that their relationship is doomed if one or both of them don't feel a strong sexual desire for each other.  But what this often means is that they experience sexual desire differently (see my article: Understanding Sexual Desire Discrepancy).

Differences in Sexual Arousal After NRE Has Worn Off

One of them might experience spontaneous sexual arousal where they can feel sexual arousal at the drop of a hat--anytime and anywhere.  These people usually don't need much physical stimulation because all they have to do is think about sex and they're sexually aroused.

And the other person might experience responsive sexual arousal where they feel turned on after they begin having sex.  It often takes them longer than people who experience spontaneous arousal to feel turned on.

Spontaneous arousal is what is usually portrayed in movies and TV programs where both people can't keep their hands off each other and they're ready to have sex anywhere and anytime.  

But, in reality, according to Dr. Nagoski, not everyone experiences spontaneous arousal. Dr. Nagoski cites 75% of men and 15% of women as experiencing spontaneous arousal, and 5% of men and 30% of women as experiencing responsive arousal.

In her book, Sex Talk: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Life, author and sex therapist Vanessa Marin, also discusses the difference between spontaneous and responsive arousal.

She summarizes it by saying that with the spontaneous type feels turned on spontaneously when they think about sex.  And the responsive type starts having sex and then they feel turned on.

According to Ms. Marin, anybody can experience either spontaneous or responsive arousal at different times and with different people, but most people tend to experience predominantly one or the other type.

Why Is It Important to Understand Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Arousal Type?

After the initial period of a relationship when the NRE has worn off, it's important to know what you each need to get sexually aroused.

If you tend to be a spontaneous type and your partner is a responsive type, you might be ready to have sex as soon as you think about it.  But you need to know what your partner requires to get turned on.  

Also, if your partner is the responsive type, they need to be willing to start having sex to get sexually aroused (see my article: For People With Responsive Sexual Arousal, a Willingness to Start Having Sex is Often Enough to Get Them Sexually Aroused).

With the responsive type, context is very important.  For instance, they might not feel like having sex if the bedroom is messy, if they're feeling stressed out about something else or they're worried about the kids coming into the bedroom.

With the spontaneous type, context tends to be less important generally speaking. When they have the urge to have sex, they often couldn't care less about their surroundings.  If the sexual urge occurs while they're in the car on a dark street, no problem.  Ditto if they feel the sexual urge in a park, they might try to persuade their partner to go to a remote area in the park to have sex. In an elevator where they're alone with their partner, they might press the stop bottom to have a quickie.  The taboo aspect of these sexual activities is usually a real turn-on for them.

One of the problems with the differences between the spontaneous type and the responsive type is that most people don't know about the responsive arousal type because they've only ever seen spontaneous arousal portrayed in the media.

Even people with responsive arousal usually don't know about it because it's not common knowledge and this important information isn't usually taught in Sex Education classes. Even many couples therapists aren't aware of it.  

So, many people with responsive arousal feel like there's something wrong with them.  They might even feel broken, especially if they have a partner is ready to have sex anytime and anywhere.

As a result, people with responsive arousal don't know that, in most cases, if they start having sex they'll get sexually aroused (assuming that it's the type of sex they enjoy).  They assume that because they're not feeling sexually aroused immediately (like their partner with spontaneous arousal) they're just not going to get sexually turned on at all.  This often leads to their avoiding sex altogether because it makes them feel inadequate.

Similarly, the person who is the spontaneous arousal type probably assumes that since their partner isn't feeling aroused at the mere suggestion of having sex, this means they're not going to get aroused at all.

Being able to work on these differences assumes that each person knows their sexual arousal type, knows what turns them on, what turns them off, and what turns their partner on and off.  

This lack of knowledge can be a major obstacle for people, especially people with responsive sexual arousal.  They also might not know what turns them on, but there are ways to explore this in sex therapy if both partners are willing.

Differences in sexual arousal can and do get worked out in sex therapy, and many couples are relieved to know that their sex life together isn't doomed due to these differences in sexual arousal.

Next Article

The next article will explore how you can determine your own and your partner's sexual arousal type.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A discrepancy in sexual arousal is a common problem (see my article: Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time).

Discrepant sexual arousal is one of the most common issues that bring couples into sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy which focuses on sexual issues.  There is no physical exam, nudity or touching between clients and the sex therapist during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you and your partner discover what type of sexual arousal each of you experience and what you can do to have a more satisfying sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

So, rather than allowing your sex life to stagnate, seek help in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: What is BDSM Aftercare?

In my prior articles, I explored sub-dom roles in BDSM relationships:  

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? 

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?  

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the importance of BDSM Aftercare.

What is a Sub Drop?

BDSM activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally tiring.  So, it's important for you and your partner to engage in aftercare.

BDSM Aftercare

BDSM aftercare is the time you and your partner spend taking care of each other after you role play or engage in other kinky sex.

Some people compare BDSM activities to a vigorous athletic workout.  

A sub drop is an emotional and physical low that can begin anywhere from a few hours, days or weeks after the emotional/endorphin high following BDSM activity. It can last hours or weeks.

The term sub drop comes from the kink community.  It's usually associated with the sub (or submissive) in a sub-dom (submissive-dominant) dynamic.  But a dom can also experience a sub drop.  

Some people can engage in BDSM and never experience a sub drop.  Then, for some unknown reason, out of the blue, they can experience a sub drop after an intense BDSM play session.

What is the Connection Between a Sub Drop and Subspace?

To understand a sub drop, you need to understand the chemical reactions that occur during an BDSM scene, including intense endorphins and adrenaline. Endorphins produce euphoria and adrenaline keeps you going during an BDSM scene.

After a BDSM scene is over, the chemicals can drop quickly.  Then, the experience can feel painful and embarrassing.  

Each person can experience a sub drop differently.  

Sub drop symptoms can include (but are not limited to): 

• Depression 
• Fatigue
• Irritability 
• Anxiety
• Feeling dazed

This is why BDSM aftercare is so important.

How to Prevent or Mitigate a Sub Drop

Sometimes a sub drop can be prevented with aftercare, but not always.  

When a sub drop cannot be prevented, aftercare is important to help mitigate its effect.

What is BDSM Aftercare?

There are two different types of aftercare: physical and emotional.

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Physical aftercare can include:

• Removing restraints or a blindfold
• Getting your partner something to eat and drink (blood sugar levels can drop during a sub drop)
• Providing warm clothing or a blanket
• Kissing and hugging your partner
• Providing affection in a quiet and peaceful environment
• Giving your partner a massage

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Discussing the BDSM scene to understand each other's needs
• Reminding and reassuring your partner there was nothing shameful about the scene
• Checking in with your partner a few days or more after because, as previously mentioned, a sub drop can last hours, days or weeks

Aftercare is something that both people need--whether they were in the role of the sub or the dom.  The dom's physical exertion during BDSM can produce a sub drop so, similar to the sub, they need aftercare right after the scene and possibly up to weeks after.

There is no one-size-fits-all way to provide aftercare.  It all depends on what each person needs.  That's why it's important to be open and attentive with each other and communicate your needs.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is talk therapy about sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples who are having sexual problems find that attending therapy with a skilled sex therapist is helpful (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples on all aspects of their sex life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In my two prior articles, I provided information for beginners about sub-dom relationships (see my articles: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships? and What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

This article is for couples in stable relationships who are curious about exploring BDSM sub-dom dynamics.

Are BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships Healthy?

Many people who are unfamiliar with BDSM sub-dom relationships question whether these relationships are healthy.

The answer is: Like many relationship dynamics, it depends.

If you're new to sub-dom relationships, it's important that you choose someone you know well--someone you trust.  

In addition, whatever type of sub-dom relationship you enter into, it should be done with full awareness, consent and a written agreement that you negotiate together. 

Many people seek help from a kink-allied sex therapist when they are working on their agreement (see my prior article about the different types of sub-dom relationships.

If you don't know the other person to be trustworthy and reliable and you don't work out an agreement, a BDSM sub-dom relationship with the wrong person can be unhealthy.  

An unhealthy sub-dom relationship can be physically, emotionally and mentally abusive due to the power dynamics involved. Also, due to their nature of wanting to please, a sub can be taken advantage of by an unscrupulous dom.  

In addition to knowing the other person well, it's also important to look for signs of narcissism in a dom and an overly dependent personality in a sub because this could lead to a hurtful codependent relationship.

Along with trust, the other important components of a sub-dom relationship are honesty, reliability, open communication and caring--even if it's mostly a sexual relationship.

Each person needs to ask themselves if they're in a place in their lives where they can take on the responsibilities of being in a sub-dom relatonship. And, if they're not, it's best to decline.

Although the unhealthy dynamics mentioned above can occur in any relationship, people are more emotionally, physically and mentally vulnerable in BDSM sub-dom relationships, so extra caution is needed.

Are You Curious About Exploring a BDSM Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming the precautions mentioned above are taken, many people who are curious about sub-dom relationships start by exploring sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Exploring fantasies before enacting sub-dom role plays allows a couple to imagine together what they might each like or dislike.  

An important component of exploring these sexual fantasies is that both people agree that this is part of an exploration which won't necessarily get enacted during this exploratory phase unless both people consent to it enthusiastically (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies About Power and Submission).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming that both people are open to it, exploring sub-dom role play fantasies are usually low risk activities as long as both people agree in advance that they won't be critical of the other person's fantasy.  

This doesn't mean that if one person is uncomfortable with a fantasy that they have to continue to explore it.  It just means that if they're not into it, they can say so respectfully and without being critical or judgmental about it (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

If you're the person who has a sexual fantasy that your partner isn't into to, it's important that you don't pressure your partner into exploring it.  What each person likes sexually, even in fantasies, is unique.  So, don't take their dislike of your fantasy as a personal rejection.  Be kind, generous and compromise by trying to find a sexual fantasy that both of you can enjoy.

Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship

Assuming you have both taken the necessary precautions and have worked out a written agreement that is mutually consented to, here are some tips to explore the sub-dom dynamic:

• Develop Excellent Communication: If you don't have good communication now, it's important to work on this aspect of your relationship first before you explore sub-dom relationships.  Each of you must feel free to communicate what you're experiencing physically, emotionally and mentally as well as listening attentively to your partner.  Communication is important at each step of the way--before, during and after the sub-dom role play.

• Don't Be Judgmental: As previously mentioned, as part of good communication and a healthy relationship, it's important that you don't shame your partner for having particular likes or dislikes. Likewise, be clear with your partner about what you like or dislike.  

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Learn to Compromise

• Learn to Compromise: You and your partner might not be into exactly the same thing with regard to sub-dom role playing, so take the time to find a mutually satisfying sexual activity that you can both enjoy.  This takes maturity, caring and a willingness to pay attention to what your partner is feeling as well as communicating what you're experiencing.  Also, remember that even if you explored mutually satisfying sub-dom sexual fantasies, when you attempt to enact them, they don't always work out the way you think they will.  So, be willing to make changes or to drop it altogether if either of you is uncomfortable.

• Use a Safe Word: Although the two of you might have worked out an agreement, one or both of you might discover that the activity might not be for you.  So, it's important to have a neutral safe word that each of you agree means that everything stops when one of you uses the safe word.  It's also important to use a neutral safe word to distinguish it from things either of you might say as part of the role play.  So whereas "Oh, stop!" can be misinterpreted as expressing pleasure, using a neutral safe word like "Pineapple" or "Red light" is clearer.

• Never Do Anything You Don't Feel Safe Doing: Some people are too shy or ashamed to say there's something they don't like. They might fear being judged or they might have a people-pleasing personality so they want to go along with whatever their partner wants.  If that's you, be aware of it and don't just go along.  If you're not sure, use your safe word to stop the activity so you can both talk.

• Learn to Have Fun: Sub-dom role plays are meant to be fun and pleasurable. An attitude of playfulness is important.  As long as you both agreed beforehand about what you will or won't do, you don't have to overthink it or approach it in an overly serious way.

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Practice BDSM Aftercare

• Practice BDSM Aftercare: After you and your partner end the role play, take time to recover together. Some BDSM sexual activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally taxing, so it's important to relax and comfort each other in ways that are meaningful to each of you.

Next Article

BDSM Aftercare is such an important part of sub-dom relationships that I'll focus on it in my next article.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or touching during therapy sessions (see my articles:  What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you are having sexual problems as an individual adult or a couple, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled sex therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive kink-allied therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.