Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

In my prior article, Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal, I began a discussion about the differences between spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

I also discussed that differences in how people experience sexual arousal is a common problem for couples and often leads to the demise of the relationship if the couple doesn't get help in sex therapy.

In this article, I'm focusing on spontaneous sexual arousal in more detail, and I'll discuss responsive arousal in detail in my next article.

Characteristics of People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

If you're not sure which sexual arousal type you are, see if the characteristics listed below resonate with you and then read the upcoming article article on responsive arousal to see if you identify with those characteristics (I'll post a link at the end of this article when I've written this second article).

According to sex educator and author, Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal and both types are normal.

The following general characteristics describe many individuals with spontaneous sexual arousal:

• Sex is very important to them.

• They're curious about sex and thinking about sex most of the time regardless of the circumstances and context.

• They love any opportunity to talk about sex and if the opportunity doesn't naturally arise, they might create an opportunity.

• They're very aware of their bodies, especially when they're sexually turned on.

• Their body is easily and spontaneously aroused sexually for no apparent reason.

• They're often ready for sex at any moment. 

• They have frequent sexual fantasies.

• They're often frequent masturbators.

• They often use sex, either solo sex (masturbation) or partnered sex, as a way to relieve stress and anxiety.

• They often exude sexual energy--it's like sexual energy is coming out of their pores and others are often aware of it and can get turned on by it.

• They're more likely to be the sexual initiator.  If they don't actually initiate sex, they give off flirty vibes and let the other person know, sometimes subtly and sometimes boldly, that they're sexually turned on and open to having sex.

• They're often willing to have sex anywhere and anytime without any particular external sexual stimulation or sexual initiation from the other person.  If they're particularly turned on, this might mean that they have car sex or other types of public place (parks, movies, dark corners in museums and so on).

• For women: Spontaneous sexual arousal often includes the following characteristics:

• Nipples are hard (often visible for women with large nipples)
• Genitals become wet
• Clitoris, in particular, is engorged with blood, erect and becomes more sensitive
• Body temperature rises
• Blood pressure might rise 
• Breath is often deeper
• Skin tone might become flush
• Licking or biting lips

• For men: Spontaneous sexual arousal for men often includes many of the same characteristics that women experience, and in addition:

• A focus on their penis
• Penis can get hard and erect fairly easily when aroused and for no apparent reason
• Physical contact including touching the other person's arm, shoulder, back or leg or pressing their leg against the other person if they're seated
• Voice often becomes deeper
• Awareness of the other person's body, which they're checking out
• Complimentary to someone they're turned on by
• Sit with their legs spread when they're with someone they're aroused by
• Try to get physically close to the other person

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites to protect confidentiality, are about people of the same and different arousal types:

Scenario 1: Ken and Jill: 

Two People With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

When Ken and Jill met at a mutual friend's party, they were sexually attracted to one another instantly.  Ken noticed Jill's sexy vibe and he was instantly drawn to her.  He was also aware of his sexual response to her and to her body.

Jill was also aware that she was sexually turned on by Ken immediately and she was already having sexual fantasies about what she and Ken could be doing sexually later on that night.  She noticed that when they sat down on the couch, Ken sat close to her so that his leg was touching and slightly pressing hers, and she felt tingles all over her body.  

By the end of the night, they were back at Jill's place having passionate sex.  

Scenario 2: John and Ann: 

One Person With Spontaneous Arousal and One Person With Responsive Sexual Arousal

John and Ann met on a dating app. When they met for their first date, John was immediately drawn to Ann sexually.  He could barely listen to what she was saying because he was so turned on.  Although Ann liked John, she wasn't sexually turned on. 

After three dates, Ann had mixed feelings about inviting John up to her apartment, but she invited him with the understanding that she wanted to "take things slowly." Although he was a little disappointed, John agreed.  

After settling on the couch, John initiated a kiss and Ann responded.  Although she enjoyed kissing John, her mind was preoccupied with thoughts about an interview she had the following day, so she told John she needed to end the date early.  Once again, John was disappointed, but he liked Ann and he decided to give things a chance between them.  

For their next date, John arranged for a candlelight dinner at a quiet and romantic restaurant and Ann was pleasantly surprised. By then, she had gotten the job offer and she was no longer stressed about that.  

When they went up to John's apartment, John was very turned on, and Ann wasn't turned on at that point.  But when they kissed, Ann became aware that she felt a sexual attraction for John and they had sex that night.

Discussion About the Two Scenarios

In Scenario 1, both people experienced spontaneous sexual arousal.  They were both aware they were turned on by each other, so they were both ready to have sex.

In Scenario 2, John experienced spontaneous sexual arousal and Ann experienced responsive arousal. For people who experience responsive arousal, context is important.  

Since Ann was preoccupied with thoughts about her upcoming interview, the context wasn't right for her with regard to feeling sexually aroused.

Stress and anxiety can get in the way of sexual arousal for anyone, but this is especially true for people with responsive arousal.  

When John chose a restaurant that had a quiet, calm and romantic environment, he helped to create the right context for Ann, who was also no longer anxious and stressed about her interview.  

Kissing at John's apartment also helped Ann to get sexually aroused (prior to that she wasn't sexually aroused).  

Since she experienced responsive sexual arousal, kissing (or any type of sexual activity) was important to help her to get in the mood.  

If these two people continued to see each other, they both would need to be aware of the other person's sexual arousal type with John slowing down to give Ann a chance to get turned on and Ann being willing to start sex (kissing, touching) in order to get turned on.

As I will discuss in my next article, people with responsive sexual arousal often need the context to be conducive to sexual arousal, and they often don't feel sexually aroused until they begin having sex. 

In this case, I'm using the word "sex" in a broad sense--not just sexual intercourse--to include kissing, touching and other forms of sexual activity that occur before intercourse. 

Next Article: Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Since 75% of men and only 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual arousal, discrepancies are obviously common in heterosexual relationships.

A discrepancy in arousal type can get worked through in a relationship if each person understands their own and their partner's arousal type and if they're willing to work on it in sex therapy.

Couples therapists, who aren't trained in sex therapy, often don't know how to help clients with different arousal types.  Often, they focus on helping the clients to improve their communication and work on things that will bring them closer together emotionally.  This can work for some couples, but it doesn't always help others because there are many couples who have great relationships outside of the bedroom, including great communication, but their sex life either isn't good or it's nonexistent.

A skilled sex therapist can help couples understand and work with their sexual arousal discrepancy so that they are more sexually attuned to each other and they can have more satisfying sex (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or touching between the client(s) and the sex therapist (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a sex therapist who is knowledgeable about sexual arousal types and who has helped couples to overcome problems with discrepant sexual arousal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Arousal

In her groundbreaking book, Come As You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski explains why two people in a relationship often experience differences in sexual arousal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

What is New Relationship Energy (NRE)?

Before delving into the topic of spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal, it's important to understand the impact of New Relationship Energy (NRE) at the beginning of a relationship.

During the early stage of a relationship, differences in sexual arousal aren't as noticeable because both people are experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is a potent cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine.  

New Relationship Energy Can Produce a Strong Sexual Response

New Relationship Energy (NRE) usually involves a strong emotional, physical and sexual response.  It's what people often experience when they say they feel "love at first sight" or a powerful sexual attraction.

NRE occurs during the so-called honeymoon phase of a relationship when both people feel high from the chemicals in their brain when they get together. And when they're not together, they are filled with anticipation about the next time they'll see each other (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Although many people enjoy NRE, others find that it clouds their judgment in terms of choosing a healthy relationship (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? ).

It can also be exhausting because people often feel "love drunk" with feelings that cause them to obsess about the person they're in love and/or in lust with.  For these reasons, many people don't trust NRE, especially if they have history of making poor relationship choices.

The NRE spark can fade anywhere from a few months and to a few years.  After that, if the couple remains together and all goes well, the couple can develop a more mature kind of love that is more likely to stand the test of time.

After the NRE fades, differences in sexual arousal become more apparent, and many couples think there is something wrong because one (or both) of them might not be experiencing the strong sexual desire they did at the beginning of the relationship.

Understanding Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal

Some couples assume that their relationship is doomed if one or both of them don't feel a strong sexual desire for each other.  But what this often means is that they experience sexual desire differently (see my article: Understanding Sexual Desire Discrepancy).

Differences in Sexual Arousal After NRE Has Worn Off

One of them might experience spontaneous sexual arousal where they can feel sexual arousal at the drop of a hat--anytime and anywhere.  These people usually don't need much physical stimulation because all they have to do is think about sex and they're sexually aroused.

And the other person might experience responsive sexual arousal where they feel turned on after they begin having sex.  It often takes them longer than people who experience spontaneous arousal to feel turned on.

Spontaneous arousal is what is usually portrayed in movies and TV programs where both people can't keep their hands off each other and they're ready to have sex anywhere and anytime.  

But, in reality, according to Dr. Nagoski, not everyone experiences spontaneous arousal. Dr. Nagoski cites 75% of men and 15% of women as experiencing spontaneous arousal, and 5% of men and 30% of women as experiencing responsive arousal.

In her book, Sex Talk: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Life, author and sex therapist Vanessa Marin, also discusses the difference between spontaneous and responsive arousal.

She summarizes it by saying that with the spontaneous type feels turned on spontaneously when they think about sex.  And the responsive type starts having sex and then they feel turned on.

According to Ms. Marin, anybody can experience either spontaneous or responsive arousal at different times and with different people, but most people tend to experience predominantly one or the other type.

Why Is It Important to Understand Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Arousal Type?

After the initial period of a relationship when the NRE has worn off, it's important to know what you each need to get sexually aroused.

If you tend to be a spontaneous type and your partner is a responsive type, you might be ready to have sex as soon as you think about it.  But you need to know what your partner requires to get turned on.  

Also, if your partner is the responsive type, they need to be willing to start having sex to get sexually aroused (see my article: For People With Responsive Sexual Arousal, a Willingness to Start Having Sex is Often Enough to Get Them Sexually Aroused).

With the responsive type, context is very important.  For instance, they might not feel like having sex if the bedroom is messy, if they're feeling stressed out about something else or they're worried about the kids coming into the bedroom.

With the spontaneous type, context tends to be less important generally speaking. When they have the urge to have sex, they often couldn't care less about their surroundings.  If the sexual urge occurs while they're in the car on a dark street, no problem.  Ditto if they feel the sexual urge in a park, they might try to persuade their partner to go to a remote area in the park to have sex. In an elevator where they're alone with their partner, they might press the stop bottom to have a quickie.  The taboo aspect of these sexual activities is usually a real turn-on for them.

One of the problems with the differences between the spontaneous type and the responsive type is that most people don't know about the responsive arousal type because they've only ever seen spontaneous arousal portrayed in the media.

Even people with responsive arousal usually don't know about it because it's not common knowledge and this important information isn't usually taught in Sex Education classes. Even many couples therapists aren't aware of it.  

So, many people with responsive arousal feel like there's something wrong with them.  They might even feel broken, especially if they have a partner is ready to have sex anytime and anywhere.

As a result, people with responsive arousal don't know that, in most cases, if they start having sex they'll get sexually aroused (assuming that it's the type of sex they enjoy).  They assume that because they're not feeling sexually aroused immediately (like their partner with spontaneous arousal) they're just not going to get sexually turned on at all.  This often leads to their avoiding sex altogether because it makes them feel inadequate.

Similarly, the person who is the spontaneous arousal type probably assumes that since their partner isn't feeling aroused at the mere suggestion of having sex, this means they're not going to get aroused at all.

Being able to work on these differences assumes that each person knows their sexual arousal type, knows what turns them on, what turns them off, and what turns their partner on and off.  

This lack of knowledge can be a major obstacle for people, especially people with responsive sexual arousal.  They also might not know what turns them on, but there are ways to explore this in sex therapy if both partners are willing.

Differences in sexual arousal can and do get worked out in sex therapy, and many couples are relieved to know that their sex life together isn't doomed due to these differences in sexual arousal.

Next Article

The next article will explore how you can determine your own and your partner's sexual arousal type.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

A discrepancy in sexual arousal is a common problem (see my article: Sexual Compatibility Can Develop and Evolve Over Time).

Discrepant sexual arousal is one of the most common issues that bring couples into sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy which focuses on sexual issues.  There is no physical exam, nudity or touching between clients and the sex therapist during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you and your partner discover what type of sexual arousal each of you experience and what you can do to have a more satisfying sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

So, rather than allowing your sex life to stagnate, seek help in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: What is BDSM Aftercare?

In my prior articles, I explored sub-dom roles in BDSM relationships:  

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? 

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?  

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the importance of BDSM Aftercare.

What is a Sub Drop?

BDSM activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally tiring.  So, it's important for you and your partner to engage in aftercare.

BDSM Aftercare

BDSM aftercare is the time you and your partner spend taking care of each other after you role play or engage in other kinky sex.

Some people compare BDSM activities to a vigorous athletic workout.  

A sub drop is an emotional and physical low that can begin anywhere from a few hours, days or weeks after the emotional/endorphin high following BDSM activity. It can last hours or weeks.

The term sub drop comes from the kink community.  It's usually associated with the sub (or submissive) in a sub-dom (submissive-dominant) dynamic.  But a dom can also experience a sub drop.  

Some people can engage in BDSM and never experience a sub drop.  Then, for some unknown reason, out of the blue, they can experience a sub drop after an intense BDSM play session.

What is the Connection Between a Sub Drop and Subspace?

To understand a sub drop, you need to understand the chemical reactions that occur during an BDSM scene, including intense endorphins and adrenaline. Endorphins produce euphoria and adrenaline keeps you going during an BDSM scene.

After a BDSM scene is over, the chemicals can drop quickly.  Then, the experience can feel painful and embarrassing.  

Each person can experience a sub drop differently.  

Sub drop symptoms can include (but are not limited to): 

• Depression 
• Fatigue
• Irritability 
• Anxiety
• Feeling dazed

This is why BDSM aftercare is so important.

How to Prevent or Mitigate a Sub Drop

Sometimes a sub drop can be prevented with aftercare, but not always.  

When a sub drop cannot be prevented, aftercare is important to help mitigate its effect.

What is BDSM Aftercare?

There are two different types of aftercare: physical and emotional.

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Physical aftercare can include:

• Removing restraints or a blindfold
• Getting your partner something to eat and drink (blood sugar levels can drop during a sub drop)
• Providing warm clothing or a blanket
• Kissing and hugging your partner
• Providing affection in a quiet and peaceful environment
• Giving your partner a massage

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Discussing the BDSM scene to understand each other's needs
• Reminding and reassuring your partner there was nothing shameful about the scene
• Checking in with your partner a few days or more after because, as previously mentioned, a sub drop can last hours, days or weeks

Aftercare is something that both people need--whether they were in the role of the sub or the dom.  The dom's physical exertion during BDSM can produce a sub drop so, similar to the sub, they need aftercare right after the scene and possibly up to weeks after.

There is no one-size-fits-all way to provide aftercare.  It all depends on what each person needs.  That's why it's important to be open and attentive with each other and communicate your needs.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is talk therapy about sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples who are having sexual problems find that attending therapy with a skilled sex therapist is helpful (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples on all aspects of their sex life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In my two prior articles, I provided information for beginners about sub-dom relationships (see my articles: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships? and What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

This article is for couples in stable relationships who are curious about exploring BDSM sub-dom dynamics.

Are BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships Healthy?

Many people who are unfamiliar with BDSM sub-dom relationships question whether these relationships are healthy.

The answer is: Like many relationship dynamics, it depends.

If you're new to sub-dom relationships, it's important that you choose someone you know well--someone you trust.  

In addition, whatever type of sub-dom relationship you enter into, it should be done with full awareness, consent and a written agreement that you negotiate together. 

Many people seek help from a kink-allied sex therapist when they are working on their agreement (see my prior article about the different types of sub-dom relationships.

If you don't know the other person to be trustworthy and reliable and you don't work out an agreement, a BDSM sub-dom relationship with the wrong person can be unhealthy.  

An unhealthy sub-dom relationship can be physically, emotionally and mentally abusive due to the power dynamics involved. Also, due to their nature of wanting to please, a sub can be taken advantage of by an unscrupulous dom.  

In addition to knowing the other person well, it's also important to look for signs of narcissism in a dom and an overly dependent personality in a sub because this could lead to a hurtful codependent relationship.

Along with trust, the other important components of a sub-dom relationship are honesty, reliability, open communication and caring--even if it's mostly a sexual relationship.

Each person needs to ask themselves if they're in a place in their lives where they can take on the responsibilities of being in a sub-dom relatonship. And, if they're not, it's best to decline.

Although the unhealthy dynamics mentioned above can occur in any relationship, people are more emotionally, physically and mentally vulnerable in BDSM sub-dom relationships, so extra caution is needed.

Are You Curious About Exploring a BDSM Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming the precautions mentioned above are taken, many people who are curious about sub-dom relationships start by exploring sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Exploring fantasies before enacting sub-dom role plays allows a couple to imagine together what they might each like or dislike.  

An important component of exploring these sexual fantasies is that both people agree that this is part of an exploration which won't necessarily get enacted during this exploratory phase unless both people consent to it enthusiastically (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies About Power and Submission).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming that both people are open to it, exploring sub-dom role play fantasies are usually low risk activities as long as both people agree in advance that they won't be critical of the other person's fantasy.  

This doesn't mean that if one person is uncomfortable with a fantasy that they have to continue to explore it.  It just means that if they're not into it, they can say so respectfully and without being critical or judgmental about it (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

If you're the person who has a sexual fantasy that your partner isn't into to, it's important that you don't pressure your partner into exploring it.  What each person likes sexually, even in fantasies, is unique.  So, don't take their dislike of your fantasy as a personal rejection.  Be kind, generous and compromise by trying to find a sexual fantasy that both of you can enjoy.

Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship

Assuming you have both taken the necessary precautions and have worked out a written agreement that is mutually consented to, here are some tips to explore the sub-dom dynamic:

• Develop Excellent Communication: If you don't have good communication now, it's important to work on this aspect of your relationship first before you explore sub-dom relationships.  Each of you must feel free to communicate what you're experiencing physically, emotionally and mentally as well as listening attentively to your partner.  Communication is important at each step of the way--before, during and after the sub-dom role play.

• Don't Be Judgmental: As previously mentioned, as part of good communication and a healthy relationship, it's important that you don't shame your partner for having particular likes or dislikes. Likewise, be clear with your partner about what you like or dislike.  

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Learn to Compromise

• Learn to Compromise: You and your partner might not be into exactly the same thing with regard to sub-dom role playing, so take the time to find a mutually satisfying sexual activity that you can both enjoy.  This takes maturity, caring and a willingness to pay attention to what your partner is feeling as well as communicating what you're experiencing.  Also, remember that even if you explored mutually satisfying sub-dom sexual fantasies, when you attempt to enact them, they don't always work out the way you think they will.  So, be willing to make changes or to drop it altogether if either of you is uncomfortable.

• Use a Safe Word: Although the two of you might have worked out an agreement, one or both of you might discover that the activity might not be for you.  So, it's important to have a neutral safe word that each of you agree means that everything stops when one of you uses the safe word.  It's also important to use a neutral safe word to distinguish it from things either of you might say as part of the role play.  So whereas "Oh, stop!" can be misinterpreted as expressing pleasure, using a neutral safe word like "Pineapple" or "Red light" is clearer.

• Never Do Anything You Don't Feel Safe Doing: Some people are too shy or ashamed to say there's something they don't like. They might fear being judged or they might have a people-pleasing personality so they want to go along with whatever their partner wants.  If that's you, be aware of it and don't just go along.  If you're not sure, use your safe word to stop the activity so you can both talk.

• Learn to Have Fun: Sub-dom role plays are meant to be fun and pleasurable. An attitude of playfulness is important.  As long as you both agreed beforehand about what you will or won't do, you don't have to overthink it or approach it in an overly serious way.

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Practice BDSM Aftercare

• Practice BDSM Aftercare: After you and your partner end the role play, take time to recover together. Some BDSM sexual activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally taxing, so it's important to relax and comfort each other in ways that are meaningful to each of you.

Next Article

BDSM Aftercare is such an important part of sub-dom relationships that I'll focus on it in my next article.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or touching during therapy sessions (see my articles:  What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you are having sexual problems as an individual adult or a couple, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled sex therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive kink-allied therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

I began a discussion about sub-dom relationships in my prior article, BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?.

BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships

I'm continuing this discussion by defining the different types of sub-dom relationships and providing a clinical vignette to illustrate one of the types, the Master/Servant relationship.

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

The following sub-dom relationships are among the most common:

• Training Relationships:  The dom trains the sub on how to be a sub.  The dom is like a trainer or teacher.  The dom acts as a guide or leader, and the sub can take on certain roles such as pleaser, brat, tester, baby or servant (to name a few). The dom must be trusthworthy, caring, consistent, available and reliable. When neither person has any experience with these types of relationships, they can hire an experienced BDSM practitioner to train them.

• Master/Servant: The focus in this relationship is for the servant to provide service to the dom, including taking care of the dom's clothes and other sexual and non-sexual acts of service.  The servant takes pleasure in doing things for the Master and the Master enjoys the control and having the sub do things done for them. With regard to sexual acts of service, the servant often feels free of guilt and shame about wanting kinky sex because the Master gives permission.

• Sub-Dom Bondage Style: This relationship focuses on creating bondage harnesses or suspension scenarios. This requires a lot of trust between the sub and dom as well as considerable skill.  

• Caregiver/little or Age Play: The dom acts as an older caregiver (mother, father, caregiver, aunt, nanny or other authoritative person).  The sub can act like an infant, a young child or a teenager. Caregiver activities include nurturing (like bathing, hair brushing) or punishment (like spanking). The sub gets to feel taken care of by the dom.

• 24/7 Relationships: The individuals enter into an ongoing permanent sub-dom relationship, which can be renegotiated.  The sub-dom role is usually fixed and there's usually no switching of roles.

Female-Led Sub-Domme Relationships

• Female-Led Relationships (FLR): Traditionally, this is an ongoing BDSM relationship where in heterosexual relationships the woman is dominant and the man is submissive (this dynamic can also occur between lesbians, bisexual or trans women). The woman, also called the femme, is the decisionmaker over the sub.  The decisionmaking can involve anything from telling the sub what clothing to wear to managing the sub's finances.

• Keyholders: This relationship is associated with chastity play. The sub agrees to allow the dom to tell them when they can touch themselves, have an orgasm and so on.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite to protect confidentiality, is one example of a sub-dom dynamic in a Master-Servant relationship:

Nina and Ted

Five years into their marriage, Nina and Ted became curious about exploring a Master-Servant relationship, so they took a BDSM sub-dom workshop.

Although they had a very good sexual relationship, they wanted to spice up their sex script by exploring BDSM.  After learning about the different types of sub-dom relationships, they decided to try the Master-Servant dynamic where Ted was the dom (the Master) and Nina was the sub (the Servant).

Throughout their relationship Nina and Ted had developed a loving, trusting relationship, which was key to their developing a healthy Master-Servant relationship.

Whereas Ted had a more dominant personality, Nina tended to be more submissive--although she could be assertive at times and she felt comfortable setting boundaries.

They learned their roles under the private mentorship of a BDSM trainer.  

When it was time to negotiate an agreement between them, they saw a sex therapist who was a kink-allied therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Part of their sub-dom agreement was that this was an exploration of BDSM. They agreed to work out particular power play scenes where Nina provided Ted with acts of service, like laying out his clothes, shining his boots and certain sexual acts they both enjoyed.  They didn't want a 24/7 relationship because this didn't suit either of them mentally or emotionally.

Although both Ted and Nina liked power play and other kinky activities, prior to engaging in a sub-dom dynamic, Nina often felt guilty and ashamed about it afterwards because of her conservative religious upbringing.  So, entering into a scene where Ted, as the Master, was in control of what they did sexually took away Nina's guilt and shame.

They experimented with the sub-dom dynamic privately for six months by adding it to their sexual repertoire a few times a month.  Whenever they engaged in a Master-Servant scenario, they checked in with each other to make sure they were both physically and emotionally comfortable.

In their everyday life, they appeared like any other couple.  They went to dinner, the movies, shopping and attended regular social events. There was nothing in their outward appearance that indicated they engaged privately in sub-dom sexual activities.

Once they became comfortable with their sub-dom relationship, they confided in close friends, who were open minded, supportive and curious.

Nina and Ted were aware that local sex clubs had BDSM sub-dom events, but they preferred to engage in this dynamic privately behind closed doors.

They reassessed their situation a year later and talked about their experiences with their sex therapist.

Nina felt the sub-dom dynamic was a sexual awakening for her.  She discovered sexual aspects of herself that she had been unaware of before, including how sexually turned on she felt when in her role as the sub when she provided Ted with sexual and non-sexual service (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Nina realized that being the sub in a sub-dom relationship helped to open her up sexually and, over time, even when she and Ted weren't doing a role play, she felt freer sexually without the guilt and shame she would normally feel.  So, in that way the BDSM sub-dom relationship was emotionally healing for her.

Ted liked being in the role of the guide and protector with Nina.  He took his responsibility to be attentive to her emotional and sexual needs very seriously before, during and after sex, including in their aftercare activities where they cuddled in each other's arms.

They experimented with switching roles where Nina was the dom and Ted was the sub.  They each found it fun to switch occasionally, but they discovered that Ted was naturally a dom and Nina was naturally a sub so they mostly kept to these roles.

Over time, Nina and Ted continued to explore many aspects of BDSM, including bondage and rope play.  

They discovered that including the sub-dom dynamic as part of their sex script allowed them to be much more emotionally and sexually vulnerable with each other, which brought them closer together (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Consent is Essential

Many people think of the movie, 50 Shades of Grey, when they think of BDSM sub-dom relationships. But even though the movie introduced the concept of a contract/agreement, there was such an imbalance of power between the two main characters that their relationship couldn't be considered consensual.

Taking the time to work out a written agreement can make all the difference in a BDSM sub-dom relationship in the long run (see my article: What You Can Learn From the Kink Community About Consent).

Conclusion

There are many ways to set up a sub-dom relationship depending upon the needs of the people involved. The vignette above presents only one particular way of doing it.

A Sub-Domme Lesbian Relationship

Although the clinical vignette presented a heterosexual couple, sub-dom relationships are not just for heterosexual relationships.  There are many people in the LGBTQ community who practice BDSM sub-dom relationships.

In addition, couples often switch roles between being the sub or the dom.  It's a matter of preference for each person.

There are now many reputable sites for learning about sub-dom relationships, including Kink Academy.

In my next article, I'll discuss tips for exploring sub-dom relationships: Are You Curious About Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're curious about experimenting with a sub-dom relationship, you could benefit from working with a kink-allied sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or sex between the therapist and client(s).

A skilled kink-allied sex therapist can help you work out a mutually beneficial agreement as well as work on other issues that might come up.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a kink-allied sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

I've written about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism), kink and fetishes in prior articles (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and What is Power Play?).

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

My focus in this article is specifically on the sub-dom (submissive-dominant) relationship which is part of BDSM and kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish? and Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Although not every sexual role play includes BDSM, role play is usually considered an essential part of BDSM.

What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

A sub-dom relationship is a consensual, eroticized exchange of power. 

The "DS" in BDSM stands for the dom-sub relationship.  The power differential between the sub and the dom is often written as "D/s" where the D is capitalized to reflect dominance and the s is a small letter to reflect the submissive role.

Although there are some people who are in 24/7 sub-dom relationships, most of the time these roles are part of a specific role play or scene that is negotiated and consented to beforehand to reflect the particular boundaries set by the sub and the dom  (see my article: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent).

In other words, the role play is based on what the sub wants to experience and what the dom wishes to do.

In addition, there is relative equality between the sub and the dom within the consensual boundaries of what has been negotiated between the two individuals.  

Although outwardly it appears that the dom has more power, the sub is the one who is giving over power to the dom, and the sub also has the power to stop the dynamic by using a safe word (a word that both people agree upon beforehand which means that everything stops the moment the sub uses that word).

What is the Role of the Dom?

The sub-dom dynamic is an exchange of power where the sub gives over power to the dom.

The role of the dom in a sub-dom role play is to use the power and control that the sub has consented to in a scene.

A Woman in the Dominant Role is Called a Domme

The dom's most important role is to create a safe and trusting space while being assertive and direct as to how the scene plays out. 

The dominant person can be a man or a woman. When a woman is in the dominant role, the word is spelled "domme."

What is the Role of the Sub?

The role of the sub is to consensually agree to give up control to the dom.  The sub usually feels empowered by giving up control to the dom in an agreed upon scene.

A Sub Feels Empowered By Giving Control to the Dom

In order to give up control and experience this kind of vulnerability, the sub must trust the dom.  This is why it's so important to have clear agreements, including an understanding of the agreed upon limits.

What Are the Different Types of BDSM Role Play Scenarios?

A sub-dom role play can involve providing service, exhibitionism, bondage, discipline (spanking or impact play), the eroticization of intense sensation (also known as sadism and masochism).  

In general, it can involve whatever the two people agree to in the context of a sub-dom role play.

There are many different possibilities in terms of the different kinds of role plays. It all depends on the interests of the dom and the sub.

Although the possibilities are endless, here are some of the more popular sexual role play scenarios:

• Teacher and student
• Boss and employee
• Master and slave
• Doctor and patient
• Client and stripper
• Photographer and model
• Police officer and motorist
• Handyman and a woman who is at home
• Homeowner and maid

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

There are many different types of sub-dom relationships, including, as mentioned earlier, 24/7 relationships where each person remains in their respective role all the time as part of their relationship.

I'll discuss the various types of sub-dom relationships as well as tips on how to explore sub-dom relationships in upcoming articles on this topic: What Are the Different Types of BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships?

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

People often want to explore sub-dom dynamics, but they don't know how to start.  

Often, guilt, shame and emotional insecurities get in the way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Working with a skilled sex therapist can be helpful (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no nudity, physical exam or sexual activities between the therapist and client(s) during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who can help you to explore new sexual dynamics or overcome other sexual issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.