With Experiential Therapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists - Part 2

In my prior article, I began a discussion about how experiential psychotherapy is different from conventional psychotherapy.  I discussed that some therapists in conventional therapy still work with their clients from a stance of neutrality with little to no self disclosure.  This is in contrast to experiential therapy where the psychotherapist is a dynamic, empathic, emotionally accessible, and a collaborative presence in the therapy session with the client (see my article: Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective Than Conventional Talk Therapy).

With Experiential Therapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists

Fictional Clinical Vignette: With Experiential Therapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists
The following fictional clinical vignette, which is representative of the issues being discussed in this article, illustrates the difference between experiential psychotherapy and conventional psychotherapy where the therapist takes a neutral stance with the client:

Alan
Attending therapy twice a week, Alan endured long silences in his therapy sessions with his conventional talk therapy psychotherapist.

Alan dreaded these silences because it reminded him of the times when he was a young child and he and his parents sat in stony silence at the dinner table.  During those days, when he attempted to talk at the dinner table about things that went on at school, his father would reprimand him, "Be quiet and eat your food" (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Afterwards, his mother would oversee his nightly ritual of washing up and putting on his pajamas before he went to bed.  He often wished that his mother would read him a bedtime story, which is what his friend, Tom's mom would do when Tom went to bed.  But having asked his mother for a  bedtime story in the past, Alan knew that his mother would reject his request and just tell him to go to sleep.

As he lay on the couch in his therapist's office for his second session of the week, he stared at the ceiling as he became increasingly uncomfortable.  From behind him, Alan could hear his therapist shift slightly in his chair, but that was the only sound that Alan heard.  He knew from his prior sessions that his therapist could go nearly an entire session without saying anything if Alan didn't know what to say.  Alan dreaded those long silences and he hoped this wouldn't be one of those sessions.

Clearing his throat to speak, Alan said in a low voice, "I'm not sure what else to talk about.  We have discussed so many times before how I feel like I'm an unlovable person and how lonely that is for me.  I don't know what else to say about it" (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

From behind him, Alan heard his therapist writing, but his therapist didn't respond to Alan's remark.  Alan thought about how he had been coming to therapy with Dr. Walsh for three years, and he felt he wasn't making any progress.  In the past, when he mentioned this to Dr. Walsh, he told Alan that it would take many years of therapy for Alan to see progress (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).

Alan, who was about to turn 35, didn't feel like he could endure his emotional pain without relief for several more years.  Whenever he told his therapist this in the past and asked his therapist what he thought was getting in the way of his progress, his therapist turned the question back on Alan and asked Alan what he thought.  But Alan didn't know what he thought, and this was frustrating to him.

After enduring another session where they were mostly silent, Alan left feeling worse than before the session.  As he walked to meet his friend, Ed, for coffee, Alan thought about how he knew nothing about Dr. Walsh even though he had been attending twice-a-week sessions with him for three years.

At one point in an earlier session, he asked Dr. Walsh if he had ever experienced feeling as insecure in his life as Alan was feeling, but Alan didn't get an answer.  Dr. Walsh, once again, turned the question back on Alan and wanted to explore the question rather than answer it.  This left Alan feeling like he had done something wrong by asking the question, and he felt ashamed.

On the rare occasions when Alan looked back to see Dr. Walsh, he saw a very serious, authoritarian look at Dr. Walsh's face similar to the look that his father used to give him.  During those times, Alan wondered if Dr. Walsh even liked him or thought about him when they weren't in session.

In the coffee shop, Alan shared his frustration with Ed about his therapy sessions, "I just feel like I'm getting nowhere in my therapy, and I worry sometimes that my therapist might not even like me.  He's kind of distant and impersonal in the sessions so it's hard to tell."

Ed looked surprised.  He said his therapist was completely different--she was emotionally engaged, supportive and dynamic in their therapy sessions.  He told Alan that she was active in helping him to get to the underlying emotions (also called primary emotions) that were at the core of his problems, and this helped him to start making changes.

In addition, Ed explained, she occasionally shared stories that let Ed know that she understood his problems.  There were also times, he said, when they laughed in session, and Ed felt how this helped to release tension and open him up to the therapeutic process (see my article: Humor Can Be Effective in Therapy).

Alan was shocked to hear that Ed's experience in psychotherapy was so different from his own, and he asked Ed, "What type of therapy are you doing?"

Ed responded, "My therapist is an experiential therapist who does all kinds of therapy, including AEDP, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis.  Maybe you should have a consultation with an experiential therapist." Alan thought about it for a minute and then asked Ed to get a referral from his therapist to another experiential therapist.

By the following week, Alan was sitting in an experiential therapist's office having a consultation.  He noticed the big difference in how he felt with this therapist immediately.  Not only was she warm and emotionally accessible, she sat facing him (rather than behind him) and he could see that she was emotionally attuned to what he said (see my article: The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For the Client).

Rather than coming across as a blank screen, Ed realized, this therapist allowed Ed to see that she was intensely engaged in their session.  She also shared with Ed how she experienced him in the session which felt heartfelt and genuine.

In addition, she explained how experiential therapy was different from conventional talk therapy (see my article: What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).

During his next session with Dr. Walsh, Alan revealed that he had gone for a consultation with another psychotherapist who did experiential therapy.  Hoping that Dr. Walsh would respond, Alan waited in vain.  After several minutes had passed, Alan told Dr. Walsh that he felt the other therapist was more attuned to him, but Dr. Walsh said nothing, which brought back more memories of his silent childhood dinners with his parents.

Alan knew from his prior therapy that there was a termination phase before ending therapy, so he told Dr. Walsh that he would like to have a few more sessions to end therapy and then he wanted to move on to work with an experiential therapist.

During the next three sessions, things remained basically the same in Alan's sessions with Dr. Walsh. He encouraged Alan to talk about what he felt he had gained from their therapy together, and Alan told him that he felt he had gained some insight into his problems.  But what Alan didn't tell him was that, even though he had gained intellectual insight, he felt nothing had changed or shifted in his life. He felt his problems remained the same (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough).

At the end of the last session with Dr. Walsh, Alan wasn't sure what to do, so he offered to shake Dr. Walsh's hand as he was about to leave.  He noticed how reluctant Dr. Walsh was to extend his hand, which hurt Alan's feelings.  But Dr. Walsh did, reluctantly, extend his hand, shook Alan's hand and told him that he could return to therapy with him in the future.  His words sounded pro forma to Alan, as if Dr. Walsh had said these words many times before.  Then, it was over, and Alan walked out feeling empty.

During the initial stage of experiential therapy, Alan was surprised that his new therapist was so dynamic.  She was so engaged in their conversation that, for the first time in his experience with psychotherapy, Alan didn't feel alone with his problems, which was such a relief to him.  He felt like his new therapist actually cared about him and his well-being.

Not only that.  When he was ready, she helped him to access the underlying emotions involved with his feeling like an unlovable person.  They talked about his relationship with his parents, but the difference, compared to his prior therapy, was that she explained the importance of the mind-body connection and she helped him to connect to his emotions in his body about those experiences (see my article: Experiential Psychotherapy: Learning to Sense Emotions in the Body).

After a while, Alan began to understand that "talking about" his problems only provided him with intellectual insight.  But since experiential therapy used the mind-body connection, in addition to insight, he also had a deep sense of something shifting for him at a core level.  Even more important, he felt a sense of hope that he could change.

Over time, he realized that for him to make the kind of changes that he wanted, he had to make those changes based on his primary emotions, which his new therapist was helping him to access.

Gradually, Alan began to sense a shift in how he felt based on his shifting emotions and the positive regard he felt from his therapist (see my article: What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?).

Conclusion
As illustrated in the clinical vignette above, rather than taking a neutral, impersonal stance, the experiential therapist is attuned to the client and emotionally engaged.

Along with her clinical training and expertise, the experiential therapist uses her own emotional experience to attune to the client and help the client to access the primary emotions that lead to change.

The experiential psychotherapist is aware of the brain's neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to change based on learning and experience.

There are many problems with the neutral stance in conventional psychotherapy, including the triggering of earlier emotional experiences of emotional neglect.  This, of course, isn't the intention of the neutral stance, but if often occurs.

In addition, experiential therapy, which uses the mind-body connection, tends to be faster than conventional talk therapy (see my article: Experiential Psychotherapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist.

Experiential therapy tends to be more effective and work faster than conventional therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could begin to get a sense of emotional relief as you work towards freeing yourself from problems that keep you stuck.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC experiential therapist, who works with individual adults and couples.

I work in an dynamic, interactive and collaborate way using cutting edge modalities, including EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), clinical hypnosis, AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), Somatic Experiencing, contemporary psychodynamic psychotherapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

With Experiential Psychotherapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists

When I was training to be a psychotherapist in postgraduate training, we were taught that the ideal stance for a therapist was neutrality.  From the neutral perspective, the therapist should not convey what is going on internally, make any unnecessary gestures and, in general, remain as a blank slate (see my article: What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Psychotherapy?).

Experiential Psychotherapy: There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists

Because of my background and temperament, this was especially hard for me.  I was raised in a family that was warm, gregarious and effusive.  There were no blank slates.

I also found that it was better for my patients for me to be an accessible human being in the therapy session, and the less my supervisors knew about my human response to clients, the better.

Of course, I was always careful not to cross any ethical boundaries or provide more information about myself than was necessary or warranted.  The focus was still very much on the client.

Since that time, we now know how emotionally depriving it is for psychotherapists to try to be a blank slate.  I say "try" because no one is ever a blank slate.  We are all always reading and picking up on what's going on with each other all the time.  So, the notion of a "blank slate" is a fallacy.

I'm not sure where the idea of being so impersonal came from.  It certainly wasn't part of Freud's practice.  He regularly walked clients around his garden at his home and had them over to his house.  From everything that I have read, he was rather engaging.

It seems like it was more of an overreaction by American psychiatrists, who were the psychoanalysts of their day, during the early days of psychoanalysis when there were few rules and some analysts were acting out with their clients.

The one thing that Freud didn't like was to be looked at directly by the client when he was with them in his therapy room--even though they looked directly at him when they were in his garden or in his home.   So, he came up with the idea that the therapist should sit behind the client out of the client's sight so he could listen with "evenly hovering attention," ostensibly, without the distraction of looking at the client.

Over time, most therapists discovered that there is a lot that is missed when a therapist isn't looking at the client directly or when the client isn't looking at the therapist.  The therapist isn't picking up on body language, facial cues, gestures and, in general, the intersubjective experience of being with a client.  This is certainly a lot to miss.

There have been certain times when I have had a client who preferred for me to sit behind him so the client couldn't see me and I could only see only the back of his head.  While I honor this request, I also explore the meaning of it with the client.  For some clients, it's easier for them to talk if they don't watch the therapist's face or gestures.  I get that, and I want my clients to be comfortable, so I will arrange to sit behind that particular client.

But the vast majority of clients want the therapist to be human, collaborative, interactive and dynamic rather than a therapist who is trying to be a blank slate.  This suits me fine since it feels most natural to me to work in that way.

There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists With Experiential Psychotherapy
Experiential therapy, including EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), AEDP (Advanced Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and other types of experiential therapies emphasize the importance of the therapist being relatively open and emotionally accessible.

How did this change from the blank slate therapist?  Through research and clinical experience, researchers and clinicians discovered that change occurs when psychotherapists and clients are emotionally engaged with each other in therapy.

Some of the research is extrapolated from Ed Tronick's still face experiments between mothers and babies.  Other research from AEDP and Emotionally Focused Therapy also reveals that the therapist and client need to be emotionally engaged for change to take place.

Having a cognitive understanding of their problems is an important part of therapy but, in terms of change, it's limited (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough).

In order to make changes, clients need to be able to get to their underlying emotions (also called primary emotions), and this is difficult to do with a therapist who is sitting there like a mannequin.

In the next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate how experiential therapy is different from older forms of conventional psychotherapy and psychoanalysis (see my article: With Experiential Therapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists - Part 2).

Of course, much has also changed in psychoanalysis, especially Relational Psychoanalysis and other contemporary forms of psychoanalysis so there is more of a collaborative approach and more self disclosure on the part of the therapist.  However, unfortunately, there are still some therapists who try to be blank slates.

Getting Help in Psychotherapy
As previously mentioned, these days most clients want a collaborative, interactive and dynamic psychotherapist.

Experiential therapists provide this experience to clients in a supportive and empathic environment.

Experiential therapists also help clients to connect with the mind-body experience.  This is different from conventional talk therapy, which provides more limited insight-oriented experiences.

We now know, based on research and clinical experience, that getting to the core of emotions is what brings about transformation (see my article: Experiential Psychotherapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems and conventional talk therapy hasn't helped you to resolve these issues, you owe it to yourself to contact an experiential psychotherapist.

Experiential therapy can help to free you from unresolved problems so you can live a more satisfying life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC experiential psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis, EMDR therapy, AEDP therapy, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused couple therapy (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: You're In Love But Not Compatible With Your Partner

It's so easy to get caught up in the passion of a relationship, especially when you're in love and things are new and exciting.  But, as many couples find out, being in love and being compatible aren't the same things. They discover that the relationship isn't going to work out--despite the fact that you're both in love with each other (see my article: All You Need is More Than Love).

Relationships: You're In Love But Not Compatible With Your Partner

Of course, when we're talking about compatibility, it matters whether we're referring to relatively minor issues where there can be negotiation and compromise or if we're discussing core values that are non-negotiable with each person.

When the incompatibility involves core values, many couples, who love each other, keep hoping for the best because they don't want to lose each other.  But if they remain together, get married and have children, it can be even more heartbreaking to have ongoing conflict, tension in the home and, possibly, an eventual breakup.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: In Love But Not Compatible
The following fictional vignette, which is representative of many actual cases, illustrates the problems  involved when two people in a relationship are in love but not compatible:

Alan and Jennifer
Alan and Jennifer met at a local dance club in Manhattan when they were both in their 20s.  Instantly attracted to one another, they began dating regularly and, after several months, they were both in love with each other, sex was amazing, and they decided to remain monogamous.

After dating for a couple of years, they talked about the possibility of moving in together and eventually getting married.  Neither of them had ever felt so in love and committed to a relationship before.

The problem was that when they talked about getting married, Jennifer said she wanted to have at least two children, and Alan said he didn't want to have children at all.  Although Jennifer was concerned about this, she didn't want to breakup with Alan.  So, she decided to move in with him and wait to see if he changed his mind.

Two years after they moved in together, each of them was even more committed to the relationship than before.  But the question about children remained an issue.  Alan still maintained that he didn't want children, and Jennifer wanted children more than ever.

At the same time, Jennifer was concerned about her "biological clock" and, if she was going to have children, she wanted to start trying to get pregnant within the next year or two.  They talked about this issue many times, but they couldn't come to an agreement, and they were both feeling increasingly anxious about what this meant for their relationship.

Soon after that, they decided to come for couple therapy to see if they could work out this issue.  As Jennifer explained it, she felt like she was caught in a dilemma:  She didn't want to be with anyone else, except Alan, but she didn't want to regret not having children later or feel resentful towards Alan about it.

Alan explained to the couple therapist that he also felt like he was in a dilemma:  He loved Jennifer and he wanted to marry her, but he felt he would be unhappy having children.  He said he thought about going along with Jennifer about having children, but he was also afraid that he would resent her eventually if he acquiesced to her and he was unhappy later on.

Jennifer expressed her deep sorrow and frustration.  She had been raised to believe that if two people love each other, they could work anything out.  She thought "love conquers all," but their problem seemed intractable.

Furthermore, from a practical point of view, she feared that, even if she was willing to leave Alan, which she didn't want to do, there was no guarantee that she would meet someone else that she would fall in love with and who wanted children.  She didn't want to give Alan up, and Alan also didn't want to break up.

Fortunately for this couple, they began to spend a lot more time with Jennifer's sister, Ann, who just had a baby.  Jennifer adored her niece, and Alan was very surprised that he also loved being with the baby.  He said he began to enjoy imagining himself being a father and raising a child.

After that, Alan told Jennifer that he changed his mind--he would like to have at least one child, and this allowed them to take the next step to get engaged.

They remained in couple therapy until after their first child was one years old. In their couple therapy sessions, they talked about how challenging it was to have a new baby and how tired they often were. Having a child turned out to be a lot more work than either of them had imagined. But both Alan and Jennifer were happy that they decided to have a child.  Since everything else in their marriage was going fairly well, they ended couple therapy at that time.

Occasionally, over the years, they returned to couple therapy whenever issues came up.  But, overall, they were getting along very well and their child was thriving.

Conclusion
In this particular scenario, the problem worked out because circumstances changed and they both ended up on the same page about having children.

Unfortunately, for many couples, whether the issue is having children or some other core issue, things don't always work out so well.

If Alan and Jennifer had not come to an agreement about children, like many couples, they would have had to decide whether to stay together or not.  This is a big dilemma to have to face and, obviously, there's no right or wrong answer.

In addition, so many of us were raised with the idea that "love conquers all."   It can be so disappointing and disillusioning when you and your partner are in love, but you disagree about important issues, and it seems like your relationship isn't going to work out, despite how much you love each other.

Getting Help in Couple Therapy
Being in conflict about a core value can put a very big strain on your relationship, especially if you're both procrastinating about dealing with it--whether it's about having children or any other important issues.

Sometimes, couples can come to an agreement--whether it's to stay together or break up--with the help of couple therapy.  It can be a relief to make a decision even if it's a very difficult one (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

Your problems probably won't go away on their own, so it's better to face them together with the help of a couple therapist.

If you've been putting off dealing with core issues in your relationship, whatever they might be, you could benefit from working with an experienced couple therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship After You Have Had an Affair

In my last article, I focused on how an injured partner can cope with intrusive thoughts and emotions after finding out about a spouse's affair.  In this article, I'm discussing what the unfaithful partner can do to try to save the relationship (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

Infidelity: How to Save Your Relationship an Affair

Research on infidelity reveals that 20-40% of all marriages experience some form of infidelity.  In my opinion, this is a very high number and more research needs to be done to determine why so many people cheat on their partners and what, if anything, can be done in terms of prevention.

Generally, the research reveals that men tend to cheat more than women, but women also cheat.  This article assumes that either a man or a woman is capable of cheating.

After an affair has been discovered, if the relationship is to survive, the partner who cheated has certain responsibilities, especially during the initial stage of this process.

For the Partner Who Cheated:
If you're the partner who cheated, at a minimum, you need to be willing to do the following:

• Be Honest With Yourself About the Infidelity: If you have been minimizing the fact that you are or were having an affair, be honest with yourself about what's going on for you.  Was this a one-time sexual affair, an emotional affair or some combination of the two?  Or, are you someone who has multiple or serial affairs?  Although all infidelity is damaging to a relationship, there is an obvious difference between getting drunk on a business trip and going to bed with someone you met once vs. going online and seeking multiple or serial affairs.  If your behavior is compulsive, you might have a problem with sexual addiction that needs to be addressed (see my article: Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online, Sexually Compulsive Behavior as a Split Off Part of Yourself and Understanding the Healthy Needs Underlying an Addiction).

• Be Honest With Your Partner About the Infidelity: Assuming that you want to save your relationship, with time and effort, a relationship can survive infidelity if both partners are willing. What often ruins a relationship is when the partner who cheated lies about it--even when his or her partner shows evidence that the affair has been discovered.  If you want to save your relationship, rather than lying or having the truth come out piecemeal over time, answer your partner's questions honestly, thoroughly and patiently.  This isn't the time to get defensive or to become avoidant.  You owe it to your partner to be open about what happened and answer whatever questions s/he might have. If, on the other hand, you no longer want to be in your relationship, then, as difficult as it might be, you need to be honest about this and communicate this to your partner.  Sometimes, people who cheat do it unconsciously as a way to getting out of the relationship because they don't know how to tell their partner that they no longer want to be in the relationship.  Instead of communicating directly with their partner, they "act out" by having an affair.  Rather than "acting out," you need to be honest, direct (although considerate and tactful) and talk to your partner as soon as you realize you no longer want to be in the relationship.  

• Take Responsibility For the Affair: Rather than making up excuses, take full responsibility for having the affair--regardless of the state of your relationship at the time.  Making excuses, blaming your partner or being defensive will only exacerbate the problem.  

• Show Genuine Remorse: You have caused your partner a lot of pain and put your relationship at risk.  Don't expect to be forgiven the first, second, third or tenth time that you apologize for the affair.  You might need to apologize many, many times.  Also, your partner might not be ready to accept your apology for a while.  Surviving infidelity is a process and you will need to be sincere in showing your remorse and commitment to the relationship.  This can take months or years.  

• Be Attuned and Empathetic to Your Partner's Pain: If you want to save your relationship, you need to show that you're attuned to your partner's feelings and that you care.  This will probably mean that you're going to be on the receiving end of your partner's rage, hurt and sadness for however long it takes your partner to forgive you--assuming that s/he does eventually forgive you.  Be willing to take in your partner's emotions.  This is not the time to try to sweep your partner's feelings under the rug or rush him or her to "move on."  Infidelity is a serious breach and a betrayal.  Unless you can show that you're emotionally present to your partner's pain, your relationship probably won't work out. 

• Don't Dismiss Your Partner's Emotional Reaction: Related to being attuned and empathetic, don't dismiss your partner's reaction to discovering the affair.  Don't tell your partner that s/he is overreacting.  This will only reveal that you're not attuned to your partner's feelings.  Likewise, telling your partner that the "other woman" or "other man" meant nothing to you and you don't understand why your partner is so upset, will make you sound like you're being dismissive.  Even if it's true that the other person meant little or nothing to you, you have to understand that this sounds like you're making excuses and minimizing your partner's emotions. Your partner's response to this could rightfully be, "If she [he] meant nothing to you, why did you do it and risk our relationship?" If, on the other hand, your partner asks you about  your feelings towards the person you had the affair with, that's different--you can respond honestly about that.  In that case, you're responding to your partner rather than trying to minimize the affair.  Remember: Everyone is unique in terms of how s/he reacts to discovering infidelity and how long it takes (if ever) to forgive.

• Cut Off All Ties With the Person You Cheated With: If you're serious about saving your relationship, you must cut off all ties with the "other woman" or "other man."  This is non-negotiable.  No exceptions.  You can't try to salvage your relationship while you maintain a connection with the other person.  If the other person contacts you about reconnecting to resume the affair or "to be friends," you maintain your stance that there can be no contact.  You must let your partner know that the other person contacted you so that your partner doesn't discover this on his or her own.  That would make matters worse because it would look like you're trying to hide things.

• Deal With Triggers That Lead to Cheating: As part of your self reflection about your behavior, consider whether there are certain triggers that lead to your cheating.  For instance, if you know that drinking or drugging lead to cheating on your partner, get professional help for these issues.  If you continue to indulge in substances that usually precede cheating, you will leave yourself vulnerable to cheating and possibly lose your relationship.  Boredom is another possible trigger.  Another example is that if you know that going to certain places makes you vulnerable to cheating, avoid those places if you can or, if you can't, make a plan as to what you will do to avoid cheating and stick with that plan.  Ditto for certain online sites.  Don't delude yourself into thinking that you can be "strong" and deal with triggers.  You will only be kidding yourself, and there's too much at stake to put yourself and your relationship at risk (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• Be Willing to Demonstrate Your Accountability to Your Partner: Whether this means that you allow your partner to have access to your phone, email or other online accounts, you need to show your partner that you're willing to be an open book.  If your partner wants you to call him or her when you're working late at the office or on a business trip, do it.  Do whatever is necessary to try to regain your partner's trust (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After an Affair).

• Work Actively to Repair and Rekindle Your Relationship: Beyond everything else that has already been mentioned above, you need to be willing to do major work on your relationship if it is going to survive.  You need to find meaningful ways to show your partner that you love him or her and that s/he is the most important person in the world to you.  If the two of you have been emotionally disconnected, find ways (once your partner is ready and willing) to reconnect emotionally.

Recognize that, ultimately, even if you're very committed to salvaging your relationship, it will be up to your partner to decide if s/he wants to remain in the relationship.  For many people, infidelity is beyond what they can forgive, and you might have to accept this as the consequence of your behavior.

Sometimes couples rush to put the pain behind them without going through the necessary emotional process of dealing with the betrayal and breach of trust.  Then, later on, they discover that just telling each other that they're "moving on" or "starting over" isn't enough.  The problem might have been swept under the rug, but it's still there.

Getting Help in Therapy

Depending upon the underlying issues that caused you to cheat, you might need individual therapy and, if and when your partner is ready, couple therapy.

Coping with the guilt and shame about an affair as well as triggering behavior can be very challenging on your own (see my article: Healing Shame in Therapy and Learning to Forgive Yourself).

Don't underestimate how easy it would be to resume an affair or start a new one, especially if you're not dealing with the root cause of your problem.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has experience working with partners who cheat, can help you to get to the root of your problem and develop the necessary skills to remain faithful in your relationship.

Many couples, who decide they want to remain in their relationship after an affair, don't make it because they get stuck in a negative cycle and they don't know how to change it.

A skilled EFT therapist (Emotionally Focused Therapy) can help you and your partner to overcome the negative cycle so that you can rebuild trust and rekindle your relationship.

Getting help in therapy could make the difference between saving your relationship or breaking up.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused (EFT) therapist for couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to survive infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions About Your Spouse's Infidelity

In my prior article, I began a discussion about common reactions to infidelity experienced by each person in the relationship--the person who was injured by the infidelity as well as the person who was unfaithful (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Infidelity: Common Reactions of Both Partners).

Coping With Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions About Your Spouse's Infidelity

In this article, I'm focusing on coping with intrusive thoughts and emotions that often come up for the injured partner.

Discovering Your Partner's Infidelity is Traumatic
Discovering that a partner cheated is a traumatic experience for the injured partner as well as for the relationship.  It can also be traumatic for the person who cheated in terms of shame, guilt, self doubt and coming to terms with the consequences of his or her behavior.

Discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful is one of the biggest challenges you will face in your life because you placed your trust in your spouse only to discover this betrayal and violation.

Whether you decide to end your relationship or you try to salvage it, there are often recurring intrusive thoughts and emotions that can be powerful and overwhelming (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Finding ways to cope with these intrusive thoughts and emotions is important in terms of surviving the discovery of infidelity.

Experiencing Flooding and Intrusive Thoughts After Discovering the Infidelity
Finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful is shocking.  It can feel like your whole world suddenly stopped.

Your relationship can feel "unreal" because you assumed that your spouse was faithful and then discovered that s/he wasn't.  You can also feel that you don't really know the person that you're in a relationship with (see my article: Betrayal: Coping With the Feeling That You Don't Really Know Your Spouse).

In many ways, it can feel like the ground below your feet has given way and you're in a free fall (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

A common reaction to coping with infidelity is feeling flooded with overwhelming thoughts and emotions.  This sense of flooding can come on suddenly without warning and can occur often, especially during the initial stage of your coping with the infidelity.

Flooding includes intrusive thoughts and emotions about the infidelity.  Even if you don't want to think about it, these thoughts come unbidden and seem to take over.

Fear and anxiety can escalate to the point where you feel panicky.

Examples of Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

• Wanting a very detailed account from your spouse of what happened sexually between the other person and your spouse (when, where, how, what, with whom).  Having graphic details often fuels more flooding, so you will need to be self protective about what and how much you need to know.
• Imagining your partner having sex with the "other woman" or "other man" and feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling inadequate or unattractive
• Feeling confused about why your spouse cheated on you
• Raging against your spouse for violating your trust and creating problems in your relationship
• Experiencing profound sadness, grief, loss, and crying
• Re-experiencing childhood trauma related to betrayal, mistrust, physical, sexual or emotional abuse or neglect (i.e., current trauma can trigger earlier trauma)

And so on.

Experiencing Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions Related to Your Spouse's Infidelity is Normal
Although you might feel like your thoughts and emotions are out of control, it's normal and common for the injured partner to have intrusive thoughts and emotions.

Even though it can be very difficult, it's important for you to allow yourself to the time and space to experience your feelings, although you don't want to spend all of your time immersed in these experiences.

In other words, rather than avoiding or stuffing your feelings, you need to allow yourself to feel the sadness, grief, anger and frustration that will inevitably come up after you have discovered your spouse's infidelity.

No one wants to experience unpleasant thoughts and feelings, but the more you try to suppress your experiences, the more they will come up again and again--even stronger than before.

You're also more likely to "act out" based on suppressed thoughts and emotions if you don't allow yourself to experience them.  So, for instance, rather than experiencing them, you might act on them by contacting the "other woman" or "other man" or "taking revenge" against your spouse by going out and having an affair yourself.  These actions will only serve to make matters much worse, and you'll end up feeling badly about yourself.

Even though you might feel like you're having these intrusive thoughts and emotions all the time, there are usually periods when these experiences peak and then, eventually, subside over time.

Having coping strategies can help you to experience these thoughts and emotions and release them as they come up.

Coping Strategy: Keeping a Journal

• Writing in a journal is one way to let go of intrusive thoughts and emotions.
• Writing when you feel flooded is a release.  Rather than go over and over these thoughts and emotions in your mind and heart, you can externalize these experiences in writing as a way to temporarily release them.
• Allowing yourself the privacy and time to release your thoughts and emotions in writing can feel freeing.
• Knowing that this is a process, you won't expect that you'll only do this once and you'll permanently feel better.  Instead, you're looking for temporary relief until these experiences eventually subside (everyone is different in terms of how long these experiences last).

Coping Strategy: Using Your Emotional Support System

• Sharing your experiences with a trusted friend or family member can be freeing if it's the right person.  If your spouse is the person that you usually rely on for emotional support, you might be ambivalent, at best, about sharing your thoughts and feelings with him or her right after you discover the affair. 
• Sharing your experiences with your spouse eventually is important, especially if you want to salvage your relationship.  It's part of the healing process for both of you.  It's important for you to be able to express how you feel and it's important for your spouse to hear about the pain that s/he caused you so that you can both heal over time.
• Talking to a trusted friend or family member can prevent you from making destructive mistakes--like taking revenge and "acting out" by cheating.  As previously mentioned, that would only make matters worse.
• Choosing someone who can be emotionally attuned to you, not judgmental and not invested in giving you advice about staying or leaving the relationship is important.  This person just needs to listen and provide emotional support in ways that would be helpful to you.

Coping Strategy: Getting Help in Therapy

• Attending psychotherapy with a psychotherapist who has professional experience with infidelity is often helpful.  
• Getting help with how to process your thoughts and feelings is important.  A psychotherapist who has experiencing helping injured partners can assist you to process your experiences so that you can eventually make decisions about your life as an individual and your life with your spouse.
• Overcoming the self doubts, doubts about your spouse and the future of relationship, fear, rage, sadness, and frustration are essential parts of healing from infidelity.
• Putting the shattered pieces of your life back together so that you can heal over time is another essential part of therapy for injured spouses.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many spouses individually and together as a couple to deal with the aftermath of infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Therapy - After the Affair: Common Reactions of Both Partners

Infidelity is one of the most challenging issues for a relationship.  Some couples don't make it after an affair has been discovered.  For the couples who try to salvage their relationship, grief, fear and doubt are major obstacles, which is why Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) for couples addresses these issues in an effort to repair the relationship (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity and Infidelity: Your Spouse Cheated on You. Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

EFT Couple Therapy - After the Affair: Common Reactions of Both Partners

In my prior article, I provided a fictional vignette, which is typical of what many couples experience in EFT couple therapy when they're trying to work through issues involved with infidelity.

This article will focus on the most common reactions that the injured partner and the partner who cheated usually have.

Each person must be willing to weather the storm that infidelity causes, including feelings of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, broken trust, grief, fear and doubt, if they want to work through their problems.

If, prior to the discovery of infidelity, the couple already had a negative dynamic and engaged in fixed roles of pursuer and distancer, they will use the same maladaptive coping strategies to overcome this crisis, which is why so many couples don't survive infidelity--even many who want to save their relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck).

Common Reactions For the Injured Partner
Infidelity brings many powerful emotions for the injured partner, including:

• Anger: Anger and rage are common reactions to the betrayal and violation of infidelity.  
• Avoidance: A common coping strategy is emotional avoidance with regard to interacting with the partner who cheated.  This might mean that the injured partner might ask the other partner to leave the household temporarily or permanently.  The injured partner might vacillate between being volatile and enraged to emotionally distancing him or herself.
• Hurt/Sadness: Contending with the betrayal, shattered assumptions, doubts, fears and grief often lead to feelings of deep sadness and hurt.
• Vigilance: Loss of trust, fear and uncertainty can lead to vigilance on the part of the injured partner to monitor the other partner's activities, phone calls, texts, email, and so on. However, no matter how vigilant the injured partner might be, it will never feel like enough to regain trust.
• Powerlessness: Discovering an affair that was going on without the injured partner's knowledge can lead to the feeling that "anything can happen at any time in this relationship" and s/he cannot trust it and has no control over it.  Loss of confidence and an ability to influence the partner who cheated can cause the injured partner to feel powerless.
• Self Doubt: The injured partner often feels like s/he isn't enough for his/her partner.
• Fear of Abandonment: Feeling rejected and a sense of low self worth with regard to the affair can create a fear of abandonment.  There is often a sense that the relationship isn't safe anymore and abandonment by the partner who cheated feels like a real possibility.

Common Reactions For the Partner Who Cheated
A partner who cheated also experiences certain common reactions after the affair has been discovered:

• Defensiveness: It can be challenging for the partner who cheated to deal with the injured partner's vacillating anger and emotional avoidance.  Many partners who cheated will be defensive about the affair in order to protect themselves from the rage and sadness experienced by the injured partner.  The partner who cheated might shut down emotionally in order to avoid dealing with the injured partner's emotions or because s/he doesn't know what to do to repair the relationship.
• Guilt: S/he will usually feel deep remorse, regret and guilt for his or her actions and for the pain caused to the injured partner and the relationship.
• Shame: Trying to cope with behavior that led to infidelity can create deep feelings of shame where the person who cheated questions his or her own self worth.
• Sadness: Knowing that his or her actions created a crisis in the relationship usually causes the partner to feel sad about the pain the affair inflicted on the other partner and the relationship.  
• Relief: Many people, who are having an affair, are actually relieved that the truth is now out.  Prior to the discovery of the affair, the partner who cheated is often worried about being found out, so there is some relief that s/he no longer has to hide the affair.
• Doubt: After the discovery of the affair, there is often uncertainty as to whether the couple will stay together or not.  Even if they want to try to save their relationship, there is no guarantee that the relationship will survive the emotional upheaval that the discovery of an affair brings.

There is no particular order for these common reactions for the injured partner or the partner who cheated.  Many people go back and forth through these reactions--even people who want to work things out.

I'll expand upon this topic in a future article.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples:
Many relationships, which could have been salvaged, end because the couples get stuck in a negative cycle and don't know how to change it.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, helps people to change the negative dynamic that keeps them stuck so they can have a healthier and happier relationship.

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with a couple therapist who uses EFT.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist for couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching For Each Other or Turning Away?

In a healthy relationship both people are able to reach towards each other during times of conflict.  However, during ongoing conflict in a relationship, reaching towards each other for love and support becomes increasingly difficult.  During those times, a couple might turn away from each other rather than face their problems together.  This is why re-establishing the emotional connection is a key part of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching Towards Each Other or Turning Away?

Part of Stage 1 work in EFT couple therapy is helping the couple to recognize the negative pattern that they've been stuck in.  Once they can see the negative pattern and the roles that each of them play, the EFT couple therapist helps them to reach towards each other and work on this issue together (see my article: Stage 1 of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Turning Towards Each Other to Overcome the Negative Pattern
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a couple, who were initially turning away from each other, learn to reach for each other in EFT couple therapy so they can overcome the negative dynamic in their relationship:

Ed and Bob
After being together for 10 years, Bob found out that Ed was having an affair with another man.   Feeling angry and betrayed, Bob told Ed that he would only remain with him if they went to couple therapy to see if they could salvage their relationship.

When they arrived for their initial consultation, their EFT couple therapist noted that they sat at opposite ends of the couch and barely looked at one another.  Initially, Bob was the one who was more engaged in the session, and he talked about how angry he was since he discovered the sexually explicit pictures of another man on Ed's phone, including pictures of this other man and Ed together.

"When we first started seeing each other, "Bob explained to the therapist, "we talked about whether we wanted to have an open relationship where we would remain primary to each other but we could see other people, but we decided not to.  Since that time, I've honored our agreement and I never cheated on Ed.  That's why I felt so betrayed when I found out that Ed was having an affair.  It made me question everything about our relationship and if Ed really loves me."

While Bob was speaking, Ed was looking down at the floor.  Even though it appeared that he was disengaged with the conversation, the EFT couple therapist could see that he looked tense and there was probably a lot going on inside of him, so she invited him to speak.

"Like I told Bob," Ed said with tension in his voice, "He and I haven't been having sex lately.  He works late and then comes home tired.  So, I met this guy at the gym about a month ago and we began having an affair.  I know it was wrong, but it's not anything serious.  I still love Bob and I'm hoping we can work things out."

As they discussed their relationship and how they usually interact, the EFT couple therapist could see that, generally, conflicts tended not to be resolved and resentment had built up over time.  One problem piled on top of another.  This was their pattern.

With regard to the roles that they were in, Bob was more of the pursuer who tried to get to the bottom of their problems, but he said he was constantly frustrated by how Ed would emotionally distance himself whenever he wanted to talk to Ed about a problem (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples: Are You Reaching Towards Each Other or Turning Away?

Ed was more of a distancer who was uncomfortable talking about relationship issues.  He said he agreed to come to couple therapy because he knew the infidelity was a serious issue and he didn't want to lose Bob.  He also agreed, prior to attending their initial consultation, to stop seeing the other man, and he said he had no contact with him since the day when Bob found the pictures.

Part of the work during Stage 1 of their EFT couple therapy was for the couple therapist to help them to de-escalate.  Bob, in particular, was so angry about the affair that he would often criticize and blame Ed for the problems in the relationship and Ed, in turn, would shut down emotionally.  Due to this dynamic, they weren't connecting with each other.

The couple therapist helped Bob and Ed to see that, rather than working together to overcome the negative dynamic in their relationship, they were turning away from each other.  She told them that if their relationship was going to survive, they would need to work together to change how they interacted with one another.

So, over time, the couple therapist helped Bob to get beyond his secondary emotion, anger, to the deeper emotions he was experiencing about the infidelity--the hurt and sadness, his primary emotions.  Once Bob was able to stop criticizing and blaming and communicate his sadness and hurt to Ed, Ed opened up more emotionally.

Although Ed had apologized many times to Bob about the infidelity, when Bob revealed his hurt and sadness, Ed's apology came with deeper remorse and compassion for the pain that he caused Bob and the damage he did to the relationship.

Trusting Ed again wasn't easy for Bob.  At first, he was suspicious whenever Ed received a text message.  Ed knew that he needed to work hard to regain Bob's trust, so he was willing to check in with Bob whenever he had to stay late at the office.  He also allowed Bob to look at his phone.

In the meantime, they continued to communicate to each other from their deepest genuine emotions, as they learned in EFT couple therapy, rather than allowing defensive emotions to get in the way.

As part of their work in couple therapy, they both were aware of when they were starting to engage in their negative dynamic.  They even developed a code word to use to signal to one another when it was happening again.  The agreement was that when either of them used the code word, they would stop arguing, take a few minutes and share with each other what was going on.

Rather than focus on their anger, they focused on the emotions they were each experiencing underneath the anger.  This allowed them to shift out of the negative dynamic, talk about their problem, and show compassion for one another.

In other words, rather than turning away from each other, Bob and Ed turned towards each other as a united front to overcome the negative dynamic.  They were no longer blaming or distancing.  They were emotionally connected, and they were closer than they had ever been in their relationship.

Conclusion
When there's conflict in a relationship, a common pattern is for each person to turn away from each other by blaming or distancing.  By remaining stuck in this pattern, the couple is unable to resolve their problems.

An EFT couple therapist will assess the negative pattern and the roles that each person is stuck in, educate the couple, and help them to work together (rather than against each other) to change the negative pattern and get out of rigid pursuer/distancer roles.

Reaching for each other and working together to change the negative pattern are hopeful signs that the relationship can be salvaged.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples
Trying to change a negative pattern in your relationship can be very difficult to do on your own, especially if the pattern is a longstanding one.

If you and your partner are stuck, you could benefit from seeing an EFT couple therapist.  An EFT therapist can help you to see the negative pattern and work together to change the pattern.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.