Grief: The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' Home After They Die

In keeping with the theme of coping with grief for deceased parents, I'm focusing on the emotional pain of clearing out your parents' home after they die in this article (see my articles: Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents and Grief: You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die).

Grief: The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' Home After They Die

Going back to your parents' home after they died can be a very difficult experience, especially if you grew up in that home or have an emotional attachment to that home.

Many people describe the experience of going back to their parents' home after their deaths as being somewhat surreal.

Even though you know logically that your parents are dead, on an emotional level, you might feel that either your mother or father will be entering into the living room at any moment.

You're surrounded by all the familiar things that you've always associated with your parents--their furniture, their pictures, their clothes, their keepsakes and all the memories that this home holds for you--and yet, they're not there.  On an emotional level, it just doesn't add up.

Sometimes, adult children have to clear out their parents' home before they're psychological ready to do it.  There might be pressing financial, legal or family issues that compel them to clear out the home soon after their last parent dies.

Generally, it's better to undertake this task with a supportive and understanding friend or relative rather than someone whose attitude is, "Let's just get this over with" and who lacks tact and sensitivity about what this process means for you while you're grieving.

Before you even start, it can feel overwhelming, especially if your parents accumulated and had difficulty letting go of many possessions.

It's not unusual for elderly people to hold onto possessions that have no sentimental value and have no monetary value.  Their holding on is more about a fear of letting go and, in many cases, a sense of loneliness.

For most people, going through the process of clearing out their deceased parents' home brings up many memories and can deepen your grief.  This is, after all, part of the grieving process.

During this time, it's important to be kind to yourself and not to rush through this process as if you're running a race.

In Joan Didion's book, A Year of Magical Thinking, she writes about going through her husband's possessions after he dies and hesitating about throwing out his shoes in case he comes back and needs them.

When she had this thought, she wasn't delusional.  She knew, on an objective level, that her husband was dead.   But this is the kind of thought and emotional response that many people have when they're clearing out a deceased loved one's possessions.  It's part of the grieving process.

The mourning process has different levels, and everyone has their own subjective experience of it.

You can know objectively that your loved one is dead but, on an emotional level, it can feel like s/he is still alive because the loss hasn't sunk in yet.

A Fictional Vignette About Clearing Out Your Deceased Parents' Home

Beth
Beth's parents died within a year of each other.

Her mother died as a result of undiagnosed cancer, and her father died several months later of a heart attack.

While her father was alive, he continued to live in the same house where Beth and her older brother grew up.

Her father took her mother's death hard, and Beth and her brother, John, worried about him.

Even though he knew how to cook for himself and he was still physically capable of taking care of himself, he hardly ate and he was beginning to hoard mail, newspapers and other things that were getting in his way.

Beth visited him once a week, cooked nutritious meals for him that he could heat up, cleaned the house and generally took care of things.  But when she came back the following week, she noticed that he barely touched the food and he began to accumulate mail and papers again.

Although she felt exasperated, she tried to be gentle with her father because she knew he was suffering emotionally.

When she went to her parents' bedroom, she noticed that he was keeping things on the bed that belonged to her mother--scarfs, a blouse, a pair of gloves.

When she asked her father about it, he told her that it comforted him to have these things around him and he felt less lonely with them around him (see my article: Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood).

Two months after her mother died, Beth broached the topic with her father about going through the mother's clothes and giving things away, but her father wouldn't hear of it.  He wasn't ready to let go of the mother's possessions.

He talked about how close he felt to Beth's mother when he went into her closet and smelled her perfume on her clothes, and he wasn't ready to give that up.

Beth suggested that he could decide what to keep and what to give away.  She said that maybe he wanted to keep a few items of her clothing until he was ready to let go, but he refused to budge.

Soon after that, Beth moved in with her father because she feared for his health and well-being.  She also knew that he was very lonely.

With Beth there, her father started eating more and they often watched TV together.  Her father also began showing interest in doing gardening again, which Beth thought was a good sign.

Then, one morning, when she went to her father's room to wake him up for breakfast, she was unable to wake him up.  She immediately called 911.

Within an hour, the doctors in the emergency room pronounced him dead.  They thought he probably had a heart attack in his sleep.

Both Beth and her brother were shocked and grief stricken.  Their father seemed to be doing well, especially compared to how he had been when their mother first died.

A week after the funeral John called Beth and said he wanted to go through their parents' possessions as soon as possible, "Let's get it over with."

Beth knew she wasn't ready to clear out their parents' house.  It was too soon for her, and she told John this.

John agreed to wait a few more weeks, but when Beth went to visit her parents' home a week later, she found John going through her parents' things and she felt enraged.  She couldn't believe he didn't keep his word.  She also felt like John was violating a sacred space.

John was stunned by Beth's reaction.  From his perspective, he was only getting a start on the process while Beth readied herself to join in.  He thought he was doing Beth a favor.  He didn't see it as any kind of violation.

Beth looked at the piles of things that John made of her parents' things--what to keep, what to throw out and what to donate.

John assured her that he wasn't planning on getting rid of anything before she had a chance to look at everything.

Beth knew that John loved her parents very much and, in his own way, he thought he was being helpful.  But she also knew that John tended to be uncomfortable with his own emotions, and clearing out their parents' home was a way to do it quickly with the least amount of emotion for him.

As they were standing there confronting one another, Beth had the sense that her parents would come into the room at any moment and say to John, "What on earth are you doing!?!  Those are our things. Put them back."

Beth was taken off guard as to how strong this feeling was and she wondered if she was losing her mind.  Of course, she knew her parents were dead, but her sense of their presence was very alive.

After they talked it over, John put everything back in its place, and they agreed to meet in a month to go through their parents' possessions.

When a month had gone by, Beth still didn't feel ready emotionally to go through her parents' possessions.  Her grief was still fresh and, on an emotional level, she could hardly believe that she no longer had parents.  But she wanted to keep her word to John so, at the appointed time, she met him at their parents' home.

John's idea was that they would go through all their possessions in two days, but after a few hours, Beth was exhausted and she had to go to sleep.

When they resumed the process the next day, they agreed to go through the things that had least sentimental value first:  Old mail, newspapers and other similar things.

With that behind them, they started going through their parents' clothes, which was much more difficult, especially for Beth.

As they were going through their mother's clothes, Beth remembered how her father cherished them and wouldn't let go of them.  She had this nagging feeling that her father would suddenly come into the room and be upset with them--although she knew, of course, that he was dead.

The process was much slower than John would have liked.  He would have liked to plow through their parents' possessions to make decisions about them, but the process made Beth so sad that she couldn't spend a lot of time doing it.

By the end of the week, Beth contacted a psychotherapist because she was feeling worse than the day her father died.

Grief: The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' Home After They Die

Beth learned from her therapist that everyone grieves differently, and she was having a normal reaction to losing both of her parents.

She also told Beth that, even if it seemed that John was avoiding dealing with his grief at this point, he might feel it much more acutely later on.

Gradually, Beth and John went through their parents' possessions.  As hard as it was for Beth, she was able to throw out things that they decided not to keep, give away or sell.

Beth took pictures of the inside and the outside of the house before they sold the furniture.

They kept all these pictures and the pictures that their parents had taken over the years, and Beth made two albums--one for John and one for her.

With the furniture gone, the house seemed empty.  Beth walked through the house and felt like the ghosts of her parents were hovering around.

Beth wondered:  Would they approve or would they be angry?

But she also knew that her parents had each gone through the same process when their parents died.

Within a month of putting the house on the market, the house sold to a young couple with children.  Beth felt immense sadness that the house was no longer part of the family, but she also hoped that the new family would make happy memories of their own.

Throughout this process of letting go, Beth kept her weekly therapy appointments.  These appointments helped her to go through the mourning process.

As her therapist told her, her brother experienced his grief most acutely soon after the house was sold.  He would often call Beth to talk about their parents and how difficult it was not to have them around any more.

A year later, when Beth drove by the house, she noticed that the new family had removed the porch and the house was painted a different color.  Although this was painful for Beth to see, she knew that she would always have the good memories of her childhood home.

Conclusion
Aside from being a practical matter, clearing out your parents' home after they die is an emotional process which is part of mourning.

Siblings in the same family might have very different reactions to clearing out their parents' possessions because each person grieves in his or her own way and time.

It's important to recognize that this is a process and it will bring up memories and feelings you might not be prepared for at the time.

You might feel like you're delusional if you feel like your parents will suddenly appear in their home, even though you know they're dead.  But you're not delusional.  This is common and normal.

Even though they are inanimate things, possessions are often imbued with memories and emotions, so be gentle with yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned in a prior article, whether you had a good or a bad (or anything in between) type of relationship with your parents, you will still feel grief.

The process of going through your parents' possessions can be challenging for you in unexpected ways.

Family and friends often don't know how to be helpful, beyond a certain point, and might not understand the mourning process.

Getting help in therapy can help you through the mourning process.

Rather than struggling on your own, when you have a time and place in therapy to talk about and integrate your feelings about the deaths of your parents, you can through the mourning process without feeling so alone.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the mourning process.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my: Other Articles About Grief

Grief: You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

Continuing with the theme of losing both parents from my prior article, Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents, I want to expand on a subject that I began in that article, namely, how you continue to have a relationship with your parents even after they die (see my articles: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions, Grief in Waiting, and Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

Grief: You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

When I refer to continuing to have a relationship with your parents after their deaths, I'm referring to what goes on in your inner world.

Whether you had a great relationship with your parents or whether you had a terrible relationship, you continue to develop your relationship with them in your mind.

Most people feel grief for their parents death whether their relationship was good or not.

If the relationship wasn't good, you grieve for what you never got and for what you'll never get once they're gone.

If the relationship was good, you grieve that they're not in your life any more and you'll never have that again.

There are certain things that you might not have appreciated about your parents and their experiences because of your lack of life experience at the time and the life stage that you were in.

You might remember your parents telling you, "You'll understand this when you're older" and that's often the case.

Often, when you become the age that your parents were, you can look back and usually have a better understanding of them and what they were going through.

Similarly, after both parents die and you go through the grieving process, even though your parents aren't on this Earth any more, you continue to develop your understanding of them and your internal relationship with them.

Fictional Clinical Vignette - Continuing to Have a Relationship With Your Parent After They Die:

Sandy
Sandy's parents died within a year of each other.

Sandy's parents came to the United States to escape Nazi oppression, leaving their parents and older siblings behind.

Sandy's mother would often talk about the mother and siblings she left behind, showing Sandy their pictures and telling her stories about the family.

When Sandy was younger, she didn't understand why her mother kept telling her the same stories over and over again.  She would get exasperated and think to herself, "Oh no, another story about Aunt Helen."

Now that both of Sandy's parents were gone, Sandy would often look at her parents' pictures and the pictures of relatives who were left in Europe, many of whom died during the Holocaust.

After the loss of both of her parents, Sandy understood why her mother told these stories so often--she missed her family and she was traumatized by their loss.  Sandy now also understood that her mother also felt guilty about leaving her family behind.

In the same way that her mother used to look at those pictures with such grief, Sandy now looked at pictures of her parents with grief.

She wished that her parents were still around.  She had so many questions that she never asked them that she would now like to know.  But parents and anyone else who could have answered these questions were now dead.

Sandy showed her daughter, Nina, pictures of her parents and grandparents, but Nina seemed bored.

Sandy understood that Nina would be bored when Sandy showed her the pictures--much the same way that Sandy had been bored when her mother talked to her about the relatives in Europe.  Nina would rather be out with her friends.

When Sandy tried to talk to her husband about her parents, he listened for a while, but then he couldn't hear it any more and he would tell her to "Stop being morbid."

Her friends also told Sandy that it was already a year since her mother, the last parent to die, passed away and Sandy needed to "move on" with her life.

Feeling very lonely and misunderstood, Sandy decided to talk to a therapist about her grief.  Her doctor referred her to a therapist who specialized in grief work, and Sandy began attending sessions the next week.

Sandy was relieved that her therapist understood what she was going through and told her that her experiences were a normal part of grieving.

When it came time for Nina to move out of state for a job, Sandy remembered how upset her mother had been when she moved out of state.

At the time, Sandy couldn't wait to start her new life, and she felt impatient with her mother for "making a big deal out of it."

Now that Sandy was going through this with Nina, Sandy understood how her mother felt.  She knew now that her mother's feelings about Sandy going away were complicated by her mother's grief about the loss of her family.

Understanding this now, Sandy felt closer to her mother than ever.  She only wished that her mother could be here now so she could tell her.  She regretted that she had been so impatient with her mother at the time.

Talking to her therapist about her new insights into her mother was a relief because her therapist understood and told her that this is a common experience that people go through after they've lost both parents.

Her therapist talked to Sandy about how everyone continues to have a relationship with their parents even after they have died--regardless of their religious beliefs or whether they believe in an afterlife or not.

Her therapist recommended that Sandy use a journal between sessions to write about her feelings (see my articles: Writing to Cope With Grief and The Benefits of Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

Her therapist told her that this continuing internal relationship would continue through the various stages in her life.

Over time, Sandy found this to be true.  She would often think of her parents when she went through major changes in her life, and she felt she understood them better and internalized them in a deeper way as time went on.  This helped her with the grieving process.

Conclusion
You continue to have a relationship with your parents in your inner world after they die.

Going through the various stages in your life, it's not unusual to think about your parents when they went through similar stages and realize that you now understand what you couldn't understand before.

Mourning the death of parents is a process that doesn't end immediately after they're gone.  It can continue in various ways for the rest of your life as you develop new insights into them based on your own experiences.

Many people, including spouses, family members and close friends, aren't comfortable talking about death, grief and mourning.  They might be afraid of the day when their parents are both gone or they might be afraid to think about their own mortality, so you can feel lonely and misunderstood by them.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the mourning process as well as help you to understand how you continue to develop relationships with your parents even after they're gone (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Losing parents often changes how you see yourself, your parents and how you look at life.  Going through this process alone (or with people who don't understand) can be difficult.

Rather than trying to cope with this on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

With help from a psychotherapist, you can learn to integrate these experiences so you can feel a greater sense of well-being over time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their grief and integrate their ongoing inner world experiences of their parents.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

Even if you think you're prepared for the deaths of your parents, the actual experience can be emotionally challenging and change how you feel about yourself (see my other articles about death and grief: 

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Taking Care of Yourself, Allowing Room For Grief 

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One).

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

Most people, who have lost their last parent, say that they never anticipated feeling like an "orphan."

You might think that once you're an adult and you begin seeing your parents' health deteriorate, something you anticipated for a long time, that you would be prepared yourself for it emotionally, but the actual experience is different from what most people expect.

A Fictional Vignette: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents

Ted
Ted's father died when Ted was in his late 40s.

Ted and his father were close, and it was difficult to see his father struggling with dementia during the  last several years of his father's life.

During his father's early struggle with dementia, Ted moved closer to his parents, and he and his younger sister took turns helping their parents with basic daily activities of life.

All the time that he was spending with his family put a strain on his marriage, which was already falling apart.  This eventually led to his wife asking him for a divorce.  Even though Ted would have liked to salvage his marriage, his wife had already made up her mind.

Ted understood that they both had been unhappy in their marriage for a long time, but he felt it was especially thoughtless for his wife to leave at that point when he was already struggling emotionally.

When the end came, Ted grieved for the loss of his father, and he was flooded with many early memories of their good times together.

He also spent more time with his mother, whose health also began to deteriorate.

Ted noticed that, after his father died, his mother was having serious memory lapses, and her doctor confirmed that, similar to his father, his mother was suffering with dementia.

There were times when his mother thought that Ted was his father.  There were also other times when she seemed to be completely lucid, and Ted cherished those times.

The emotional burden of ending a 20-year marriage, taking care of his mother, who was gradually slipping away into advanced dementia, and maintaining a stressful full time job weighed heavily on Ted.

He knew he could talk to his sister and to friends, but Ted realized that he needed more than that--he needed help from a psychotherapist.

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

By the time he began therapy, Ted had already lost 20 pounds and he was looking gaunt (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers).

He knew he wasn't taking care of himself, and he needed emotional support.

He told his therapist that he always anticipated and feared this stage of his life, but going through it now was much worse than he anticipated.

Before his father's health deteriorated, Ted looked up to him as a strong, wise, vibrant man.  He admired his father's wisdom, and he often sought his father's advice.

He told his therapist that if his father was still alive, they would have discussed his mother's condition and come up with a plan, but his father was gone and, even with his sister's help, Ted felt alone, especially after his wife left him.

Watching his mother deteriorate almost seemed unreal to him.  When she was in good health, she was very sharp, and she had always been an active and admired member of their community.  Now, he could hardly believe this was the same woman.

Having the emotional support of his psychotherapist helped Ted to get through this difficult time.  He also began taking better care of himself.

A year later, Ted could no longer maintain his mother at home, and he and his sister placed her in a skilled nursing facility.  By that time, his mother no longer recognized either of them, but they both went to visit her every week.

Two years later, Ted got the call from the nursing facility that his mother died.  He went through the motions with his sister of arranging for her funeral.

A week after the funeral, Ted felt lost.  He had never experienced anything like this before.  Not only did he miss his parents, but he also felt like a young, vulnerable child again who was unprotected in a potentially dangerous world.

The reality was that Ted was functioning much better on a day-to-day level compared to how he was doing before he went to therapy.  But his inner emotional experience was that he felt so young, lonely and vulnerable--as if he wouldn't survive without his parents.

His therapist helped Ted to understand that he was going through a normal stage of grieving that most people experience after their second parent dies.

Ted spent many sessions talking to his therapist about feeling lost and dreams that he had about being young and being with his parents.

He suddenly realized that now that both of his parents were dead, they had taken a part of him with them.

With his parents and aunts and uncles gone, there was now no one who knew him as a young child.

His sister, who was 10 years younger than Ted, remembered certain aspects of his adolescence and they could talk about their parents, but Ted felt the loss of those early childhood experiences with his parents.

Ted also began thinking more about his own mortality, which he used to avoid doing in the past.  He kept thinking, "Now that my parents are gone, I'm next."

He realized how precious time is, and he felt like he was wasting time in a job that he hated.

More than ever, he felt the need to be doing something that he really liked, so he went for training to become a graphic artist, something that he had always wanted to do (see my article: Reclaiming a Lost Part of Yourself and Finding Personal Meaning in Your Life).

To deal with his grief, Ted went to the cemetery once a week to visit his parents' grave.  At first, he felt awkward about what to do.  But as time went on, as he stood by the grave, he had conversations with his parents.

Ted wasn't sure if he believed in an afterlife or not or if he was really communicating with his parents, but he felt soothed by these conversations.

As he continued to talk to his therapist about his experiences with grief, Ted began to realize that his relationships with his parents didn't end after their death.  By remembering them, talking about them and having these conversations at the grave site, he was continuing to develop his inner experience of his relationship with his parents.

As time went on, Ted developed a different perspective about each of his parents.  He could now understand how they felt about the deaths of their parents and the sacrifices they made to maintain a good life for him and his sister even when they were grieving.

He knew that his friends meant well, but some of them weren't very tactful--telling him things like he shouldn't feel as bad because his parents were both in their 90s when they died (see my article: Expressing Condolences in a Caring and Tactful Manner).

Ted knew that they didn't understand because they hadn't experienced the loss of both of their parents yet.

Other friends, who hadn't lost either parent yet, seemed to be avoiding Ted, as if they were trying to avoid thinking about the eventual deaths of their own parents and their own death.

So, having a time and place in therapy was very helpful to Ted, especially his  friends and family members stopped calling him as much to find out how he was doing.

Ted also found it very helpful to write about his feelings in a journal (see my article: Writing to Cope With Grief) and The Benefits of Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both of Your Parents

A year later, Ted was working at a job that he really loved.  He was also dating a new woman and their relationship was getting serious.

Although the emotional pain wasn't as acute as it had been after his parents died, Ted still thought about them every day and wondered what they would think as he was making changes in his life.

His weekly ritual of visiting his parents grave site and seeing his therapist continued to soothe him, as he went through his grieving process.

Conclusion
Many people experience the loss of their last parent as a loss of a part of themselves.

It often comes as a surprise that they feel as if they have been orphaned and a younger part of themselves feels more vulnerable.

They develop a different perspective of their lives, realizing that life is finite.  This can lead to making major changes in life to live a happier life.

People who haven't experienced the loss of the last parent often don't understand what it's like.  Although they might be well-meaning, their lack of understanding often causes them to say tactless things or to avoid contact.

It's also not unusual for marriages that are already struggling to fall apart during this time as the emotional impact of grieving puts extra stress on a marriage.

Having a place where you can talk about your loss and the internal changes you're going through can be soothing.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're going through a difficult time grieving the loss of your parents, you could benefit from seeing a skilled psychotherapist who can help you through the stages of mourning (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Everyone goes through the mourning process in his or her own way.  There is no "right way" to do it.

An experienced psychotherapist knows that mourning is a unique experience and can help you through the process so you don't get stuck in complicated grief (see my article: Unresolved Grief and Complicated Mourning).

Family members and friends, who are uncomfortable with the thoughts of their parents' and their own mortality, might tell you to get "get over it" or to "move on" with your life.  Even though they might be well-meaning, this can cause you to feel ashamed of your feelings.

Rather than suffering alone, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients through the mourning process.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through the mourning process.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my other articles about grief: Articles About Grief - by Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

Most contemporary psychotherapists today agree that intellectual insight alone isn't enough to repair traumatic experiences.  Many of them would agree that a corrective emotional experience in therapy can go a long way to healing trauma and is a much more transformative experience for clients than developing intellectual insight alone (see my articles: Experiential Therapy Can Lead to Emotional Breakthroughs and The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For the Client).

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?
The concept of the corrective emotional experience in therapy was developed by Franz Alexander and Thomas M. French.

The corrective emotional experience in therapy occurs when the client has an experience with the therapist that challenges old distorted beliefs and perceptions.

For instance, if a man grew up with an emotionally abusive or neglectful mother, he might have the distorted belief that "all women are abusive and neglectful, and they can't be trusted."

If this same man comes to therapy and he experiences a woman therapist as being empathetic, warm and trustworthy, he is having an experience with his therapist that challenges his belief about women.    He is now having a new experience that he and his therapist can explore further in therapy.

In other words, he is having a corrective emotional experience that can be healing for him and help him to grow.

A Fictionalized Vignette as an Example of the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy

Sam
As an only child, Sam grew up with parents who were preoccupied with their own lives and who didn't have much time for Sam.

Sam spent most of his time with his nanny, who provided basic care, but who wasn't especially warm or caring.

Even before Sam was born, his parents knew that they wanted a child who would eventually follow in his father's footsteps.  Sam's father had his own law firm, and he expected that any child of his would eventually join the firm.

From an early age, Sam was aware of his parents' wishes.  Although he loved to paint and he wanted to be an artist, he hid his passion for painting from his parents because he knew they would disapprove.  This made Sam feel invisible to his parents (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Instead of showing his parents how passionately he loved to paint, he pretended that he wanted to be an attorney because he knew this was the only way that his parents would approve of him.

Whenever his parents talked to him about law school, Sam would pretend that he was interested and his parents were happy and praised him.  But hiding such an important part of himself and pretending to be someone that he wasn't made Sam feel ashamed, guilty, lonely and a fraud (see my articles: Understanding the False Self: Part 1 and Understanding the False Self - Part 2: Getting Help in Therapy).

As a result of pretending to be what his parents wanted him to be, Sam believed that no one would accept him for who he is and, if he wanted to get along in the world, he would need to pretend to be someone else.

Throughout law school, Sam felt depressed.  He did well academically because he was smart, but his heart wasn't in it.

Sam's parents never seemed to notice that Sam was unhappy.

Sam felt that his parents didn't see him for himself at all and had no idea who he really was.  They only cared that he gratified their wishes.

After he joined his father's law firm, Sam was miserable.  He hated the work and didn't feel suited for it.  He longed to paint and to be his own person.

Beyond casually dating, Sam avoided getting into a relationship because he didn't believe that any woman could appreciate him for who he really was.

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

When it became too much of an emotional strain, Sam began therapy.

At first, Sam was afraid to express his true desire to become an artist.  He feared that his therapist would be like his parents and would show disdain for his passion.

But one day when he was talking about how miserable he was as a lawyer, his therapist asked him what he would really like to do, and Sam took a risk and told her that he loved to paint and he had always wanted to be an artist, but he feared displeasing his parents.  At that point, he discovered that his therapist worked with many different kinds of artists, and he was relieved.

This discussion opened up a much larger discussion for many sessions about how Sam believed that no one could really care for him as he really is and he needed to pretend to be someone else (see my article: Overcoming the Fear that People Won't Like You If They Knew the Real You).

What is the Corrective Emotional Experience in Therapy?

As Sam opened up more with his therapist, he sensed her compassion and genuine interest in him and his passion for painting and this allowed him to be more open and vulnerable with her (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy? and The Holding Environment in Therapy: Maintaining a Safe Therapeutic Environment For the Client).

As they talked about what it was like for Sam to experience a caring, open and compassionate individual who was genuinely interested in Sam for who he really is--rather than who he thought he had to pretend to be--Sam had an emotional breakthrough.  This was his corrective emotional experience and he realized that his belief that no one could ever accept his true self was a distortion.

Sam mourned in therapy for what he didn't get from his parents.  He also continued to allow himself to be genuine and vulnerable with his therapist, which was emotionally healing.

Eventually, not withstanding his parents' disapproval, Sam began a Master in Fine Arts program to pursue his love of painting.

He also began dating and felt for the first time that he might meet a woman who would care for him as his true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Conclusion
Corrective emotional experiences can occur in therapy when the therapist is empathetic and can provide the client with a new healing experience that challenges distorted beliefs and perceptions.

In order to experience the corrective emotional experience, the client must feel safe enough with the therapist to have a new experience.  For some people, who are severely traumatized, it might take a while to trust the therapist enough to allow this experience to occur.

The corrective emotional experience is a transformative experience for the client and opens up the possibility for big changes and psychological growth.

Getting Help in Therapy
Traumatic childhood experiences are difficult to overcome on your own.

As a result of those traumatic experiences, you might have developed certain beliefs and perceptions about yourself and others that are distorted.

Psychotherapy with a skilled therapist, who knows how to provide a safe and trusting therapeutic environment, can lead to a corrective emotional experience that can transform your life.

Rather than allowing distorted beliefs perceptions to limit your sense of yourself and others, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you overcome these obstacles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I provide an empathetic and supportive therapeutic environment for clients to allow them to have emotional breakthroughs in therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

In prior articles, I addressed loneliness and social isolation from various perspectives (see my articles: On Being Alone and Solitude vs. Loneliness).  In this article, I'm focusing on steps that you can take to overcome loneliness.

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness

• Stay in the Present: It's so easy to ruminate about the past and things you think you did wrong, but as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you're not allowing yourself to be in the present.  Make an effort to let go of mistakes that you made and resentments you have against others.

• Keep a Gratitude Journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Find Meaning and Purpose in Life: Rather than focusing on how lonely you are, think about what you can do make someone else's life better.  Maybe you can volunteer for a community group or in the local school.  When you feel you have a purpose in life, it helps you to feel more fulfilled and less lonely and isolated (see my article: A Search For a Meaningful Life).

Steps You Can Take to Overcome Loneliness: Get Active

• Get Active:  Running, walking, doing yoga or other healthy activities can help you to have more of a sense of well-being (always check with your doctor before you start any new physical activity).

• Discover a New Social Group:  Whether it's the local book club or some other social group, being part of a group where there's a shared interest can help to enliven you and increase your social network.

• Learn to Play Again: Humor and comedy can be so healing.  Whether you watch a funny movie, read a humorous book or find other ways to increase humor and playfulness in your life, learning to play again is an important step towards helping to decrease your sense of loneliness.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when you've tried everything on your own to overcome loneliness, but longstanding unresolved psychological problems get in your way.

If this is the case, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to discover the possible underlying issues that keep you lonely and isolated.

Rather than continuing to be frustrated by obstacles in your way, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the impediments that are keeping you lonely and isolated so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship

I've written prior articles about ambivalence in relationships.

See my articles: 

Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?,

An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love

Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life, The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages).  

In this article, I'm focusing on how ongoing ambivalence can ruin your relationship.

Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship

What Does Ambivalence Look Like in Relationships?

There are many ways that people can be ambivalent in a relationship:

• Being undecided as to whether they want to take the relationship to the "next step" and get more serious and committed (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has a Problem Making a Commitment?).

• Being unable to make a decision if they want to remain in a relationship that's fraught with problems.

• Going back and forth with their partner as to whether they're in a committed relationship or not.

• Being unable to define the relationship (see my article: Are You Dating or in a Relationship?).

• Having mixed feelings as to whether they're in love or if they're just attracted to their partner (see my articles:  Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love and Is It Love or Infatuation?).

• Getting into and out of the same relationship (see my article: (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship).

And so on.

Fictionalized Vignette:  How Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship

Ina and Bill
Ina and Bill decided to see a psychotherapist in couples counseling because they weren't getting along.

Ina explained that, even though they were living together for five years, Bill couldn't decide if he wanted to get married.

Ongoing Ambivalence Can Ruin Your Relationship 

Ina was concerned because she wanted to have a baby and she didn't want to wait much longer.  She was afraid that if she waited, she wouldn't be able to have a baby due to her age.

She also wanted to have a life where she felt settled and comfortable and not always worried about her partner's ambivalence about the relationship.

Bill looked embarrassed and told the therapist that he felt Ina was being too judgmental and pressuring him too much.  He said he loved Ina, but he just didn't feel ready to get married.  He couldn't understand why they couldn't just keep living together, "What's the big deal about getting married?"

Ina said that she didn't want to have a baby without being married.  It was against her core values, and wouldn't compromise on something that was so important to her.

Bill said he liked children, and he hoped that he and Ina would have children "one day," but he wasn't ready to have children now.

After several couples therapy sessions where they felt they were both getting nowhere, they decided to leave couples counseling and each go into their own individual therapy.

Once she began individual therapy, Ina told her therapist that she loved Bill very much, but she didn't want to stay in the relationship if it wasn't going to lead to marriage.  She was clear about this.  She just wasn't sure how much more time she should give Bill to figure things out.

In Bill's individual therapy, he acknowledged that he was ambivalent about getting married, even though he loved Ina very much and didn't want to lose her.

As he continued to work with his therapist, Bill realized that he had a lot of fears about getting married.  He had never known anyone who had a good marriage, especially not his parents (see my article: You Can't Change the Past, But You Can Change How the Past Affects You).

On the one hand, Bill feared that if they got married, their relationship would be ruined.  But, on the other hand, he knew how important marriage and children were to Ina, and he feared he would lose her if he didn't agree to get married soon.

After several months of being in individual therapy and with her 34th birthday soon approaching, Ina told Bill that she thought it was better for them to end their relationship.

She told him that she hoped he would find someone who would be willing to just live together and she hoped that she would find a loving relationship where her partner would be willing to get married and have children.

As Ina began packing her things, Bill had his first panic attack, and he called his therapist to set up an appointment for that evening.

After he got off the phone with his therapist, Bill was a little calmer and he persuaded Ina not to move out just yet.  He asked her to give him more time to work on his ambivalence and the fears that he had about being married.

Reluctantly, Ina agreed to stay three more months, but she said she would leave if there was no change after that.

During his therapy session that evening, Bill told his therapist that the thought of Ina moving out and leaving him was much more painful than the thought of getting married, and he wanted to work on his fears and ambivalence.

Bill and his therapist worked on the root of his fears, which had more to do with his family history than it did with his relationship with Ina (see my article: Healing Old Emotional Childhood Wounds That Are Affecting Your Current Relationship).

Over time, Bill learned to separate his fears related to his family history from whether or not he wanted to marry Ina (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma in Psychotherapy: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now"

His therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Bill to work through his traumatic childhood history.

Ongoing Ambivalence in Your Relationship Can Be Overcome in Therapy

By the end of three months, Bill still had some ambivalence and fear, but he was much clearer that he wanted to marry Ina, so they started planning their wedding.

Conclusion
The vignette above illustrates how ambivalence and underlying fear can ruin a relationship.

In this particular example, as is the case in many relationships where one or both people are ambivalent, the ambivalence was related to a dysfunctional family history.

One of the goals in therapy is to help clients to separate their feelings about the past from the present.

When you can make a distinction between the past and what's happening in your relationship in the present, you're more likely to make better decisions.

Working through a history of family trauma can free you from that history so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Ongoing ambivalence in a relationship tends to erode the relationship.

After a while, whatever good feelings there were between the two people can be lost when the ambivalence is chronic for one or both people.

If you're in a relationship where you're either the one who is ambivalent or the one who is trying to deal with your partner's ambivalence, it can be very painful to deal with on your own.

Rather than continuing to suffer alone, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional, who can help you to identify the problems related to the ambivalence and work through the issues so that you can make better decisions about the relationship (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome problems in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Don't Be Judgmental. Be Discerning

Many people confuse being discerning with being judgmental, so I'm addressing this issue in this article and why it's important to be discerning (see my article: Listening to Your Inner Voice).

Don't Be Judgmental.  Be Discerning

What's the Difference Between Being Judgmental and Being Discerning?
Being judgmental is being critical, disapproving and negative.

Being discerning is being aware, astute and perceptive.

Fictionalized Vignette: The Difference Between Being Judgmental and Discerning:

Sally
Sally came to her therapy session feeling disappointed in herself.

She told her therapist that she found herself in yet another situation where she wasn't discerning.

In the past, Sally and her psychotherapist had spoken about how Sally got into trouble many times in her life due to her lack of discernment.

Sally explained that she was with her friend, Rita, when they came across a man who was panhandling for money on the street.

Whenever they came across people who were homeless or panhandling, Rita would make disparaging remarks about them, which irritated Sally.

Sally felt that Rita was too judgmental and tended to look down on people.

Since she felt so annoyed by Rita's judgmental comments, Sally reached into her pocket and gave the man a dollar.  Then, he thanked Sally and struck up a conversation with her.

At that point, Rita was so disgusted that she kept going and told Sally that she would see her another time.

Sally felt embarrassed by Rita's behavior, and she tried to be "extra nice" to the man, who introduced himself as Ted.

Ted told Sally that he was down on his luck.  He had just lost his job and would soon lose his apartment if he didn't get a job soon.

He told her that his aunt gave him a $100 bill to tide him over, but none of the coffee shops would break the bill, so he wondered if Sally could give him change so he could get something to eat.

Sally experienced a moment of hesitation, but she didn't listen to her gut feeling that told her not to do it, and she gave Ted change for the $100 bill.

Later that day, when she went to the grocery store and tried to use the $100 bill, the cashier held the bill up to the light and told Sally that it was a counterfeit bill.

Sally was shocked.  She had to leave her grocery with the cashier because she had no other money.

When she went to the bank, the teller verified that the $100 bill was counterfeit and asked her where she got it.  When Sally told the teller about giving change to the man on the street, the teller told her, "You've been scammed."

As Sally talked about what happened with her therapist, she acknowledged that she had a moment of hesitation when Ted asked her for change.  There was a part of her that was suspicious, but she didn't listen to that voice inside her.

Don't Be Judgmental.  Be Discerning

Sally told her therapist that she was trying so hard not to be judgmental, like Rita, that she didn't listen to her gut feeling, "I was just trying to be nice."

Sally and her therapist talked about the issues in her childhood that caused her to doubt herself and how this was connected to her not listening to her gut feeling, her lack of discernment and her pattern of people pleasing (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

Conclusion
People often confuse being discerning with being judgmental but, in fact, they're two very different things.

When you're judgmental, like Rita in the fictionalized scenario above, you're disapproving, negative and critical.

Being judgmental is the opposite of being discerning.

When you're discerning, you use good judgment, you're aware, objective, perceptive and astute.

When you're trying so hard not be to judgmental that you're also not being discerning, it can have very negative consequences for you and your loved ones.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's not usual for people, who lack discernment, to have a family history where they were made to doubt their own objectivity.  As a result, they don't trust their gut feelings and this can result in a lack of discernment.

For other people, it's a particular blind spot in their life.  They want to be "nice," and this clouds their objectivity.

For people who grew up in a critical environment, they're often critical and judgmental of themselves and others.  Their negativity and harshness creates problems in their personal and professional life.

If you tend to find yourself in situations where you realize after the fact that you weren't discerning or in situations where you're too judgmental, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome these problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist.

Rather than continuing to suffer the consequences on your own, you could get help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can go on to lead a more rewarding life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome problems with lack of discernment and being overly critical and judgmental.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.