The Heartbreak of the On-Again/Off-Again Relationship

Several years ago, a friend confided in me that, in the past (before I knew her), she had been in an on-again/off-again relationship for two years.  The usual pattern to her relationship was that whenever "the going got tough," her boyfriend was gone.

His Pattern Was to Flee the Relationship When He Felt Overwhelmed
Without saying a word, when he felt overwhelmed by their relationship, he would load up the car and drive off to stay with one of his many family members around the country, leaving my friend to wonder and worry about his whereabouts and the future of their relationship.

After a few days or so, he would call her to let know where he was and to say he needed "his space" for a while.  My friend never knew how long "a while" would be or if having "his space" was a euphemism for the relationship being over.  When she asked him, he refused to define how long or if he felt the relationship was really over.  But one thing was clear:  It was always on his terms.  He needed to be in control.

The Heartbreak of the On-Again/Off-Again Relationship

The first few times this happened, my friend was, understandably, upset.  This type of situation would be difficult for most people, but having lost both of her parents as a child, she was especially sensitive to her boyfriend abandoning her whenever he felt overwhelmed.  And he felt overwhelmed often, including when my friend wanted to talk about where their relationship was headed.

After a while, it became obvious to my friend that her boyfriend regulated the intensity and intimacy of their relationship by all of this coming and going.  He used his departures as an emotional pressure valve.  When enough time had passed so that he felt some of the intensity had subsided, he would return, sometimes contrite, sometimes not.  For a while, whenever he returned, my friend said she felt she had to "walk on eggshells" and tiptoe around him so he wouldn't leave again.  She tried to talk to him about therapy, but he wasn't open to going to individual therapy or couples counseling.  Needless to say, it was a very challenging situation.

To make matters worse, as I mentioned, all of her boyfriend's coming and going triggered earlier abandonment issues for my friend, which soon made the relationship feel emotionally intolerable for her.  Several months after she began therapy, she felt she deserved a lot better than this, and she ended the relationship.

Not surprisingly, once she withdrew from the relationship, her ex pursued her like he never pursued her before, promising her that he would never run off again.  But my friend understood that, even though her ex might have had the best of intentions, it was obvious that he couldn't tolerate the emotional intimacy that is a natural part of being in an intimate relationship. And, despite his promises, she knew he would leave again when he felt emotionally overwhelmed due to his own unresolved emotional issues.

Fortunately, my friend never went back to that relationship or ever entered into another relationship with that dynamic.  She's now in a committed relationship with someone who is comfortable with emotional intimacy and he can handle the inevitable ups and downs that are part of all relationships.  And, she gave me permission to use her story, without using her name or any identifying information, because she thought it might be helpful to others.

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many clients who are involved in these type of on-again/off-again relationships with similar dynamics to the ones I've just described.  When there are children involved, it's especially damaging to their emotional health and well-being. Children need stability and consistency.  Young children are naturally egocentric and believe that if one of their parents leaves, it must be their fault.  Over time, feeling abandoned by a parent can lead to poor grades in school, behavior problems and drug and alcohol problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're in an on-again/off-again relationship, you probably realize how damaging this is to your sense of self.  

Even if you don't have a history of early abandonment issues, this type o relationship can create intense anxiety and depression as you ride your partner's unpredictable emotional roller coaster.

Being in an on-again/off-again relationship, where your spouse or partner is in control, can leave you feeling powerless.  But you're not alone.  

Many people, both men and women, have developed the emotional wherewithal in therapy to get off the emotional roller coaster so they can live more fulfilling lives

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Love: Is It Really Better The Second Time Around?

Is love really better "the second time around," as Frank Sinatra says in his song.  

As a therapist, who has worked with individuals and couples who have rekindled relationships with exes, I've seen couples who were able to successfully reconnect and work out their differences.  I've also seen couples who got back together after a breakup and tried to work out their differences, but they continued to have the same problems.  So, it all depends on the two people.

Love: Is It Really Better the Second Time Around?

Going Back into the Relationship the Second Time Around with Your Eyes Wide Open
When you go back into a relationship that ended because the two of you couldn't or wouldn't work out the problems, you're going back in (unless you're in denial) with your eyes wide open.  You both know what the problems were, how you tried (or didn't try) to work things out and that it resulted in a breakup.  You know what you're up against and, for whatever reason, you and your partner or spouse feel you have the wherewithal to overcome the problems this time.

Reasons Not to Get Back Together
People often get back together again because they still love each other.  It might not be that heady "in love" feeling they had for each other when they first met, before the problems started.  Usually, it's a more mature love, and the feelings are strong enough that each person feels it's worth the emotional risk to try again.  But there are also reasons not to get back together:

• You're too afraid to move on and meet someone new.
• You feel "the devil you know" is better than "the devil you don't know."
• You're "use to" your ex and don't want to have to go out and meet someone new.
• You heard your ex started dating someone new and you couldn't stand the thought of it.
• You lack confidence to date again.
• You feel you don't deserve anyone else.
• You're afraid you'll never meet anyone else new.
• You feel you should get back together again "for the sake of the kids."

I'm sure there are lots of other reasons not to get back together again, but these are some of the reasons I've heard from clients who mistakenly return to their ex, only to discover that nothing has changed.

Simply Saying "We're starting over again" Doesn't Solve Your Problems
If you and your spouse or partner had serious problems that led to your breakup, just saying, "Let's start over again" doesn't automatically resolve all your problems.  I know this might sound very simplistic, but I've heard couples in couples therapy tell me that they think they can just "put everything behind" them and "start over" without doing any work on their relationship.  It's not surprising that I hear from these same couples a few months later that they're still having the same problems as they did before the breakup.

Being in a relationship is not like playing a game where people call out, "Do over" and everything is erased.  You might want to "put everything behind" you, but that doesn't change the fact that there's a history of problems, and hurt, resentment and anger that led to the breakup.  Avoidance, in terms of working out these problems, isn't going to magically make them go away.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you weren't able to work out your problems the first time without couples counseling and you want to give the relationship another chance, you owe it to yourself and your relationship to get professional help this time.  

A skilled couples counselor, who is objective, can help you navigate through the difficult emotional problems in a way that's often not possible to do on your own.  

By participating in couples counseling you both can also learn relationship skills that you might not have had before and that might make the difference between your relationship succeeding or not this time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more but me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Workplace Stress: 5 Things You Can Do to Reduce Your Stress at Work

I've been hearing more and more from clients and friends about how excessive work demands have been taking a toll on their stress levels.  With fewer employees, companies are expecting the remaining employees to pick up the slack and, often, ask them to take on  the duties of two or more former employees.  This often causes a lot of stress and fatigue, so that even when they're home with their loved ones, they're too tired and stressed out to spend quality time with them.

Coping With Workplace Stress

Consider the Consequences of Stress to Your Health and Personal Relationships
Before you sign on for extra work projects, it would be wise for you to consider the consequences of taking on this extra work and stress to your health and your personal relationships.  An optimal amount of stress (whatever is optimal for you personally) can help you to focus and accomplish tasks.  But when stress is excessive, as it usually is when you're taking on too many work tasks, it can compromise your immune system.

Over time, if you get little or no relief from the stress, it can cause you to develop stress-related illnesses like headaches, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), high blood pressure, heart problems and other chronic illnesses.

5 Things You Can Do to Reduce Stress at Work

• Go out for a short walk: This sounds so simple, but it can really make a difference to go out for a short walk (longer, if you can) to get away, even for 10 or 15 minutes from work stress.  Rather than having lunch at your desk and trying to do work, take a break and go out.  When you come back, you'll feel refreshed.

• Take a nap at lunch time:If you have your own office where you can close the door, set an alarm for 20 minutes or half an hour at lunch time and take a nap.  Taking a nap in the middle of the day can do wonders to help you feel revived.  People who take a short nap during the day usually feel revived after their nap, and they can approach their work with more energy.

• Listen to a guided meditation recording: There are so many different guided meditation recordings that you can download from the Internet.  I usually recommend that you set an alarm before you listen to the recording to make sure that you don't snooze away the rest of the day.  Guided meditations can help you to feel that you've gotten away for a while from your work environment, at least, on an emotional level.

• Get up, stretch and breathe: Rather than sitting hunched over your desk the entire day, get up at least once every hour or so and stretch.  Even simple stretches can help to relax tense muscles so you feel less stressed out.  When we're very stressed out, we sometimes breathe in a very shallow way.  When  you get up to stretch, check out whether you're taking full, relaxing breaths when you breathe or if you're taking shallow breaths.  Make a conscious effort to take a few deep breaths to calm yourself and help you to relax.

• Learn to say "no" when you can: This can be a tough one.  You know your boss and your work environment.  If there are times when you feel you can say "no" without jeopardizing your job, learn to say "no" at those times.  If you always accept extra assignments, the expectation will be that your boss can continue to overload you with extra work all of the time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is It Love or an Infatuation?

Knowing the difference between love and infatuation can be tricky.  Often, love starts out with that same heady feeling you get when you're infatuated with someone.  

You might spend all day fantasizing obsessively about the other person, forget to eat, dream about him or her at night, and talk incessantly about this person to your friends.  

But, the main difference is that if it's really love and by this, I mean mature love, over time, it will develop into more than just an obsession and it will be reality based.

Is It Love or Infatuation?

What is Reality Based Love?
What do I mean by "reality based" love?  Well, when you're infatuated with someone, the other person might not even know that you exist.  If you're infatuated, the fact that he doesn't even know you, won't stop you from thinking about him all the time.  But when it's really love, it's based on mutual feelings that you've developed together for each other as you get to know each other.  That's what makes it reality based.

Why?  Because you can't really be in love with someone that you don't know, no matter how intensely you feel your feelings.  And it takes a mutual love relationship to get to really know someone--not just your fantasy of who you think this person is.  If your feelings are for someone relatively new to your life, it can't be one sided and still be considered mature love.  I know some people might disagree with me about this, but I think this is important when you're trying to figure if it's love or infatuation.

Spending time together is important so you get to know each other over time rather than getting carried away with who you each think the other person is in your fantasies.  An infatuation can fizzle out if the person that you fantasized about turns out to be a completely different person.  Then, you know your feelings were for the fantasy rather than the actual person.

Mature Love Grows Over Time as Compared to Infatuation
Mature love usually keeps growing over time, assuming it's nurtured.  Mature love is more stable usually and will be more likely to survive the test of time and life's challenges better than infatuation.

Whereas infatuation often has a painful emotional element to it, especially if the feelings are unrequited, mature love, where there is mutuality, makes you feel good about yourself most of the time.  That doesn't mean that you'll always be happy with this other person.  But, generally, speaking, when it's mutual love, rather than infatuation, its a more positive experience most of the time.

Does This Make Infatuation a Bad Experience?
No, not necessarily.  It depends.  If you can enjoy the feeling of being infatuated and it adds a certain passion and aliveness to your life, these feelings can have positive consequences, as long as you have realistic expectations and understand that it's not love.  Feeling alive and passionate might lead to your making positive changes in yourself and in your life.

If you have unrealistic expectations, as mentioned before, it can be a painful experience.  Obsessions can be hard to deal with over time. They can cause you to neglect important areas in your life as you spend most of your time and mental energy focusing on the object of your infatuation.

It all depends on your attitude.  If you can maintain a healthy attitude about your infatuation, it can be a fun time and you can open you up to new experiences, possibly, even to a mature love the next time around.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

All You Need is More Than Love

Often, when people fall in love, their attitude is that, like the Beatles song, all they need is love.  Being in love and passionate for each other can take you along for a while--maybe even the first two years of a relationship.  Then, it soon becomes obvious that you need more than just love to have a successful relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love

Here are a few other important factors, beyond love, that contribute to a happy relationship:

Respecting Each Other:  If you love each other, but there are times, let's say when you're angry, that you speak and act disrespectfully to each other, after a while, love alone isn't going to carry you through. Disrespect can take many forms:  a contemptuous look, name calling, cheating on your partner, lying, etc. It's important that when disagreements come up, as they inevitably do in serious relationships, you both remember to be mutually respectful to one another.

Learning to Compromise: Falling in love and feeling passionate for one another is great, but relationships also call for compromise at times.  If you and your partner haven't learned the give-and-take that is part of any long-term relationship, more than likely, you'll soon be embroiled in arguments and power struggles where each of you is trying to get your way.  Both people need to know how to compromise so it's not just a one-way street with one person doing all the compromising.

Having Similar Core Values and Outlook on Life: When you fall in love, it might be due, in part, to a sexual attraction or you enjoy similar activities, but it's also important for the health of a long-term relationship that you have similar core values.  You don't  need to agree about everything, but for the things that are most important to each of you, it's important to have similar values.

There Are Exceptions:
Now, I know there are couples who have long-term relationships where they don't have similar core values.  But they're the exception rather than the rule.  For instance, if your religious faith is important to you and you know you will only be happy with a partner who shares the same faith, don't think that overlooking this in a partner will work or, worse still, that you'll convert him or her to your faith.  It can happen, but more often than not, it doesn't.

If you know you won't be happy unless you have children and your partner doesn't want kids, don't overlook this.  You might feel resentful in the future.  There are so many other examples of this, whether it involves attitudes about money, politics, families, etc.  So, be honest with yourself and your partner at the beginning of the relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love
When you first fall in love, you might not want to think about respect, compromise or core values.  It's easy to get swept away on a tidal wave of love and think that "love will conquer all" and other cliches about love.

And maybe you and your partner will be one of the exceptions that I've discussed, but chances are you won't be.  So, don't ignore some of the red flags that might come up early on about these issues if you want a long-term relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?

There are many couples who are in long distance relationships.  Long distance relationships occur either by choice or, more often, of necessity.  Having a long distance relationship can be a challenge, but if you're honest with yourself and your partner, you each know what you want, you set up certain parameters for yourselves, you make an effort to make time for each other, and you're willing to renegotiate with each other if it's not working out, it can work out. 

Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?

It Makes a Difference If It's an Established Relationship vs. a New Relationship
Of course, it makes a difference whether you've been together for a while and you have a loving, trusting relationship vs. trying to have a long distance relationship when you've just met each other.  For established, stable relationships, there are still challenges, but you have a foundation of love and trust to see you through, especially if your time apart is limited to a specific period of time.

Knowing that there are challenges ahead, here are some guidelines that can be helpful:

• Be Honest With Yourself and Your Partner Before You Enter Into a Long Distance Relationship: If you've just met someone who lives a plane ride away and neither of you plans to move to the other's city, consider whether you want to be in a long distance relationship.  Only you know what you need.  If you know you like having your romantic partner around to cuddle with every weekend and your long distance relationship will only permit for occasional visits with each other, you need to communicate this.  Likewise, you need to be able to hear this from this new person in your life.  It will probably get lonely at times, especially if you've decided to be monogamous with each other, so you need to know this in advance and have realistic expectations.

• Be Clear About the Status of Your Relationship: This brings me to another issue that couples in this situation often don't discuss:  Be clear about what each of you wants from this relationship.  Are you dating this person as well as others?  Are you exclusive with one another?  Knowing this in advance can save a lot of heartaches if you're each on a different wave length. Of course, if you're married, that's usually a different story, unless you have an open relationship.  Still, you don't want to assume that you're both on the same page when you might not be.  Communication is key to help avoid misunderstandings.

• Make Time For Each Other: With the advent of Skype and Face Time, you can, at least, see one another when you talk, assuming these services are available to both of you.  You're going to have to be better organized than couples who live near each other about making time for each other.  It will require some planning, so don't assume that the other person will be available spontaneously when you're ready to see each other online, especially if you're in different time zones.  While you're making time for each other, it often helps to have some shared activities that you can both engage in at the same time.  It might mean setting up a Skype session while you're each having dinner or engaging in other activities, if possible.  Shared activities, even at a distance, can help bridge the gap.  No, it's not as good as having the person right next to you, but it can help.

• Plan Visits In Person With Each Other: If possible, plan some in person visits to spend quality time together.  As much as  possible, when you're together, avoid other distractions so you can dedicate the precious time you have to each other.  You want to make the most of the time you have together. You will probably need to negotiate who will come when and how often.

• Be Aware that Unrealistic Romantic Fantasies in New Relationships Are Often Part of the Long Distance Experience: When your in a new relationship that is a long distance relationship, thinking about each other and looking forward to the next Skype call or the next rare visit, you could fill the gaps with romantic fantasies about who this person is and how it would be if you were living together in the same location.  When a new relationship is a long distance relationship, you miss out on the day-to-day interactions that can tell you so much about the other person and how the two of you would be together.  Let's face it--you won't know each other as well as compared to if you were living near each other.  It's easy to imagine that the two of you would be perfect living together, and maybe you would be.  But recognize that, even with occasional in person visits, the relationship remains in that exciting, fired up, in love stage longer than it would if you were living in the same location and seeing each other more often. "What's wrong with that?,"you might say.  There's nothing wrong with it per se.  It's just that that the heady, in love stage isn't the basis for a long term relationship.  When you get beyond this stage and you're in a more mature loving relationship, you have a better sense as to whether the two of you would be good living together or married.  Once again, I do know of instances where it worked out just fine.  But knowing in advance that this might be a pitfall can help you avoid mistakes.

• Be Willing to Re-Evaluate Your Long Distance Relationship If It's Not Working:  Over time, be willing to re-evaluate your long distance relationship.  Is it working for each of you?  If you're married and, for instance, one of you took a job in another city out of necessity and this doesn't look like a short term arrangement, consider if one of you can move to the other city (or country), especially if your current arrangement isn't working out.  More and more couples are having to make these decisions for economic reasons, a lack of jobs in certain fields or military service.  So, you're not alone. If you're married and you've both decided that you'll deal with the challenges of a long distance relationship for only a certain period of time, consider your priorities.  If finances make it so that you don't have a choice right now other than to have a long distance relationship, think about what you each can do to make it easier.  Keeping in mind the long term goal can be helpful.  It will take time and effort.  But, often, when couples go through challenges and come out of it successfully on the other side, their relationship is stronger.  Only you know your relationship and what you and your spouse can deal with in terms of a separation.  If the relationship is new, you each might have thought originally that a long distance relationship would work out between you.  But if one or both of you feel it's not working and there aren't any changes you can make to improve the situation, you might need to consider that, at this point in time, you can't be in a relationship together--even if you love each other.  Sometimes, timing really is everything and this can be frustrating.  Maybe if you had met at a different time and under different circumstances, it might have worked out.  But it's better to acknowledge what's happening than pretending that it's working out when it's not.  Communicate your feelings, be honest, compassionate, and tactful.

We Don't Always Fall In Love With "the Girl or Boy Next Door:"
Love can be mysterious, and we don't always fall in love with someone who lives conveniently nearby.  So, at some point, you might find yourself in a long distance relationship.

Whether you choose to be in a long distance relationship or it's occurring out of a necessity, being aware of the potential pitfalls can help you to plan and overcome them.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing from the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough

Traditionally, psychotherapy has focused on helping clients understand and develop insight into their problems.  While insight is an important first step, for many emotional problems, insight isn't enough to bring about change.

Healing From the Inside Out: Insight Isn't Enough

For many years, this bias in psychotherapy--that developing insight is the key to change, has been very frustrating to clients because it hasn't led to change for them, especially when the problem involves trauma.  This is because the insight is only on an intellectual level and the client doesn't feel it on an emotional level.

This can leave clients feeling that, beyond their original problem that brought them into therapy,  there must be something very wrong with them that they can't, somehow, use this insight to bring about the change that they want.  In some cases, it can be almost as traumatizing as the original problem.  Very often, at that point, the therapy reaches an impasse because the therapist has used everything he or she knows to try to help the client.

Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy
My experience has been that Somatic Experiencing (SE) and EMDR, often in combination with psychodynamic psychotherapy, can be much more effective than just talk therapy alone.  With SE and EMDR, clients usually have a more integrated experience where their understanding is not just an intellectual insight, but they can feel it on an emotional and visceral level.  Also, prior to doing the actual processing in SE or EMDR, the therapist helps the client to develop internal resources to cope with the upcoming processing and to develop the ability to contain the experience on an emotional level.

I have many psychotherapy clients, who have had a lot of prior experience with therapy and who can explain their problems with clear intellectual insight, but who haven't been able to use those insights to make the changes they want in their lives.  Using either EMDR or SE, whichever works best for the client, they've been able to heal and make changes because the healing is coming from the inside out, from the bottom up, rather than just being a top-down, intellectual experience.

There's nothing magical or immediate about EMDR or SE.  There are also no guarantees.  Both of SE and EMDR involve a willingness to do the therapeutic work.  Aside from using EMDR and SE, I also encourage my clients, where necessary, to take practical action steps in their lives to bring about change.

Whether you're someone who has had a lot of prior experience in therapy or someone who is new to therapy, you owe it to yourself to consider SE or EMDR to help you resolve your problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experience therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.