Research Study: We're Not Good Predictors of Who We'll Be in the Future

According to a recent New York Times article by John Tierney, a study finds that even when we're able to look back and see that we've changed over the years, we're not good predictors of what we'll be like in the future (see link below).  According to the article, which was conducted with 19,000 people between the ages of 18-68, people expect that, in the future, they won't change much from who they are now.

Research: We're Not Good Predictors of Who We'll Be in the Future

The End of History Illusion
The researchers who conducted the study called this phenomenon "the end of history illusion" because people tend to underestimate how much they'll change in the future, despite how much who they are now changed from the past.

People who participated in the study were asked about current personality traits and preferences (favorite foods, vacations, hobbies, etc) as compared to the past.  They were also asked to make predictions about their personality traits and preferences for the future.  The article indicates that people tended to play down the potential of their changing in the future, assuming that they would be pretty much as they are now.

In the Future, How We'll See Who We Are Now
According to the New York Times article, one of the study's authors, Daniel T. Gilbert, Harvard psychologist, indicated that most people in the study didn't realize that, in the future, they'd look back on who they are now with the same amusement or chagrin as they currently look back on their former selves.

Speculating as to why this phenomenon occurs, the researchers hypothesized that one reason might be that people feel a certain comfort with feeling that they've already reached the peak of their personal evolution, so they don't think they will change in the future.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why You Won't Be the Person You Expect to Be - 
New York Times - by John Tierney

When Our Emotional Attachment to Our Possessions Becomes a Problem For Our Loved Ones

During the last few years, there have been many more articles, books, and even a TV program about hoarding.  There have even been articles about how children of hoarders have been affected by a mother's or father's hoarding. 

All of these stories serve to highlight our emotional attachment to our possessions and how possessions can become imbued with personal symbolic meaning.  Even when our emotional attachment to our possessions doesn't reach the level of hoarding, it can be a psychological problem that causes distress for the person with the problem as well as loved ones who live with him or her.  But this problem can be worked through in  therapy.

Emotional Attachment to Our Possessions Become a Problem For Our Loved Ones

The following fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of how one person's emotional attachment to his possessions can be a problem that can get worked through in therapy:

Joe:
Joe became depressed after his girlfriend of 10 years, Mary, broke up with him.  The breakup occurred four years before, but Joe still missed her everyday.  When they were living together, Mary was the neat one and Joe tended to be more messy.

But after Mary left, Joe went from being messy to accumulating clutter.  The things he accumulated in the house were mostly clothes, books, and mementos from the relationship.  Other than that, he cleaned the house and never accumulated any garbage, the place was habitable, and he had people over.  It never reached the level of "hoarding," but it was still becoming a problem and he feared that this problem might get worse.

Our Emotional Attachment to Our Possessions Becomes a Problem

When he began therapy, he talked about other big losses in his life, including losing both of his parents at an early age.  Prior to Mary leaving, Joe didn't think about their deaths as much as an adult.  But after Mary left, Joe began having dreams of himself as a child searching for his parents.

It became apparent in therapy that the loss of his relationship with Mary triggered this early childhood trauma, and his emotional attachment to his possessions took on a new meaning for him with the triggering of this early trauma.  His possessions became imbued with a personal meaning that he never felt before.  It was as if his possessions were like beloved friends and family members, and he couldn't bare to part with them.

On the one hand, having them around him gave him a certain amount of emotional comfort.  But, on the other hand, the clutter increased his anxiety.  He also felt ashamed about it.  His bedroom closet was filled with clothes that he no longer wore, but they had come to have meaning to him because they were purchased for him by Mary.  His desk and his floor were littered with books and papers that he also associated with Mary.

During his therapy, Joe mourned the loss of his relationship and the loss of his parents.  He learned to nurture the "inner child" in him that he had ignored for years and who was feeling emotionally deprived.

Joe Learned to Mourn His Losses and Nurture His Inner Child So He Could Let Go 

Gradually, he started letting go of the possessions he was accumulating.  In order to let them go, he did a simple ritual in which he thanked each possession for what it "gave" him on a symbolic level.  It was still hard for Joe to let them go, but he did.  Although it was sad for him, he also began to feel less anxious because he could now relax more in his environment.  He also began to take steps to meet other women.

When Possessions Take on a Personal Symbolic Meaning and You Can't Let Go of Them:
In the above scenario, the accumulation of possessions never reached the level of hoarding as we've come to define it.  I think it's important to recognize that people can go through stages in their lives where they develop an emotional attachment to their possessions that isn't hoarding per se but is still problematic.

I believe there's a difference between clutter and hoarding, and it's important to recognize the symbolic meaning of possessions.  Often, possessions take on a symbolic meaning of being like a friend or loved one that provides comfort after a loss.  Under these circumstances, the person usually has mixed feelings about these possessions because, even though they provide a degree of emotional comfort, the clutter also creates anxiety.

Mourning and Problems with Letting Go of Possessions that Belonged to a Loved One
Many people go through a similar feeling when someone close to them dies and they have to get rid of  clothing and other possessions.  Sometimes, they have to wait a while before they can do it because it's just too hard.  They might spend time holding and smelling certain items of clothes that still have the scent of their deceased loved one.  But, eventually, they usually let go of these things because they know they have to do it or they'll remain stuck emotionally.  It's part of the mourning process.

Not Just "Messy" - The Importance of Understanding the Meaning of Holding On
It's not unusual for possessions to take on this symbolic meaning without the person who is affected  realizing it at first.  

A person who begins to accumulate clutter might just see him or herself as "messy" at first without realizing that the possessions have taken on a new meaning.  At that point, it becomes hard to get rid of these things  because who wants to throw out a "loving friend" or "family member"?

This problem is a lot more common than hoarding.   Overcoming this problem isn't easy.  It begins with an awareness that the possessions have become imbued with emotional meaning that goes beyond their functional status.  Then, overcoming the problem involves working on a deeper level, as in the scenario above.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


Children of Hoarders on Leaving the Cluttered Nest

Pets Can Help Improve Your Mental Health

Psychological research has shown that people with pets, generally speaking, tend to be happier and healthier.  Our pets, whether they are dogs or cats, provide us with emotional support.  They bond with us, and most people see them as family members.

Pets Can Provide Emotional Support for People Who Are Socially Isolated
People who might be experiencing social isolation, often fare better if they have a pet.  Our pets usually love us unconditionally (and how often do you experience that!) and we love them.  They're a source of comfort and can be a source of joy.

Pets Can Improve Your Mental Health

Pets and the Elderly
Assisted living and nursing home facilities have found that the elderly respond to dogs and cats even when they might not respond to other residents or staff.  They enjoy the pet's company, including their physical and emotional warmth, and the tactile sense when they pet them.

I was very moved to hear a story about a cat in a senior residence who instinctively knew when a resident wasn't feeling well.  He would lie on the bed with the resident, providing comfort.  This cat was also attuned to when a elderly resident was about to pass away, and he would stay with the resident until he or she died.  The staff said it often helped the resident to have a peaceful passing.

Pets Can Help Us to Relax and Shift into a Good Mood
Even when you're not around your pet, just thinking about your cat or dog can help you to relax and shift your mood.

I love both cats and dogs, but I'm especially partial to cats.  I had my cat, Hecate, from the time she was about seven weeks old until she died at the age of 19.  Contrary to what people often say about cats, she was very sweet, loving, and cuddly.  When I first got her, she would drape herself across the top of my head at night like a fur hat.  She was also very smart (I know, I know--everyone thinks his or her pet is the cutest and smartest!)

In the morning, Hecate would pat my mouth with her paw to let me know she wanted her breakfast.  She was also very playful.  Once I was looking for her all over the apartment.  

Usually, she would come when I called her name, but this time she wasn't responding, so I was starting to get worried.  Then, as I was standing by the refrigerator wondering where she might be, I felt a tap-tap-tap on my head.  I looked up.  She was standing on top of the refrigerator, giving me a mischievous look. Then, she jumped back to hide again, and slowly creeped to the edge and peered over the side to see if I would play with her which, of course, I did.

Hecate passed away more than 10 years ago now, but all I have to do to shift my mood is to think of her and she still brings a smile to my face and a warm feeling.

Although pets can improve your mental health, they are also a responsibility and not everyone can afford or provide care for a pet.  

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Coping with Pet Loss

Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame

The grandiosity that is associated with narcissistic behavior is often a cover up for a great deal of shame.  For people who exhibit narcissistic traits, what appears to others as over confidence or even arrogance is really a thin shell that protects a deeply deflated and hollow sense of self.  Often, people with narcissistic traits are on an emotional seesaw between grandiosity and shame.  

Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame

A Need for Ever Greater "Narcissistic Emotional Supplies"
To hide their sense of shame, people with narcissistic traits often need to constantly keep themselves pumped up emotionally or expect that others will pump them up.

If they're in high positions of authority, there are usually subordinates who are willing to engage in this charade for whatever they expect to gain from the situation.

Behind the scenes, these subordinates might be secretly laughing at their boss, especially if they see through the boss's grandiose cover up.  But in front of the boss, they're all too willing to continue providing narcissistic strokes.

The problem is usually that, eventually, the pendulum swings the other way and the person with narcissistic traits confronts his or her own deep seated shame and emotional hollowness.

If people with narcissistic traits are unwilling to acknowledge and take steps to overcome the deep sense of shame that fuels this dynamic, they often find themselves in a never-ending quest for more "narcissistic emotional supplies."

This can take many different forms, including an obsession with making more and more money, a craving for ever greater expensive possessions, an obsessive focus on appearance (e.g., a need to appear physically "buff" or having plastic surgery to hide the signs of aging), the need to have a lot of power over others or the need to be surrounded by very attractive  romantic partners.

These so-called "narcissistic emotional supplies" provide only temporary gratification.  Sooner of later, the shame that might have been temporarily kept at bay rises to the surface.

Narcissism:  An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame

Often, people who are caught in this emotional seesaw between grandiosity and shame don't get help unless there is a significant emotional crisis in their lives.  This could take the form of a spouse getting fed up and leaving, the realization that this dynamic has alienated other close family members like one's children or  losing one's job and thus losing career status.

When people with narcissistic traits go through these types of losses that they cannot assuage in other ways, they're often in a lot of emotional pain, and they don't have the emotional resources to deal with it.

These deeply humbling experiences and the shame that cannot be pushed down any more sometimes brings them to therapy.  For others, who don't get help, they often feel impotent rage or depression.  They might turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sexual acting out or other mood-altering behavior to bury their feelings.  This often leads to a further emotional spiraling down.

The origins of shame are as varied as the people who suffer with it.  This kind of deep seated shame, which is covered over by grandiosity, often starts early in life.  It might start as early as the preverbal stage of life.  It can begin with emotional neglect or the lack of emotional attunement or mirroring between the infant and the primary caregiver.

Getting Psychological Help
Getting help to overcome shame takes courage, especially for someone who has spent most of his or her life trying to hide it.

Shame often keeps people with narcissistic traits out of treatment so that the people who usually need the most help never seek it.

If they do seek help, they must be willing to make a commitment to stick with it, and treatment is often long.

These are ingrained characterological traits and require a willingness on the client's part to do in-depth psychological work and the willingness on the therapist's part to do the work with challenging clients.

For those willing to do the work with a skilled clinician, freeing oneself from the emotional seesaw of  grandiosity and shame can be a life changing experience.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Allow Your Children to Have Dreams and Use Their Imagination

Whenever people tell me that they were scolded as children for being "dreamers," having their "heads in the clouds," and using their imagination, I feel my heart sinking.  I wish more parents understood the value of allowing their children to have dreams and use their imagination.

Allow Your Children to Have Dreams and Use Their Imagination

The Imaginary World of Books
I've mentioned in an earlier blog post that when I was six or seven years old, my dream was to be a writer.  I think this dream developed when I discovered books.  I loved to read.  I loved being able to immerse myself in the imaginary world of the characters in the stories.

My mother was a big proponent of reading.  She began taking me to the public library at least once a week before I started elementary school.  The library, with all its many books, was a magical place to me.  Before I started school, we would go to the library and pick out books.  Then, we would go to the park and she would read to me while I looked wide-eyed at the pictures.

More than anything, when I began school, I wanted to learn to read so I could enter into these imaginary worlds on my own.  There were so many books in the children's section of the library, and I wanted to read all of them.  I was fortunate to have a wonderful first grade teacher, Mrs. Kurtz, who encouraged my interest and gave me books that were a few grade levels above me.

Although my mother was happy that I loved to read, she was uncomfortable with the idea that I wanted to be a writer. She never told me that I couldn't become a writer, but she thought this was very impractical and she worried that I wouldn't be able to support myself as a writer.  When she told my pediatrician that I wanted to be a writer, not only did he not discourage me, but he gave me lots of writing pads, pens, a thesaurus and a dictionary.  He told me that these were the writers' "tools."   He encouraged me to write to my heart's content, and I was delighted.

These "tools" took on an almost magical quality.  I felt very special and grown up, and I used them to write plays that my cousins and I put on in my grandmother's backyard.  In some ways, this was an act of defiance because I knew my mother didn't want me to be a writer.  But no one stopped me or told me not to do it.  Although they were very respectful and attentive at our performances, I think my relatives were amused by it all.  For their 10 cents admission charge to the show, they saw a play (usually a mystery), and afterwards, we entertained the adults by singing popular songs.

The Beatles and My Imaginary World
When I was 12, I discovered the Beatles during their first visit to the US.  I believe their arrival in the US was significant for our country, following our national mourning for President Kennedy.  It took the country out of our doldrums.

It was also very significant for me as a child.  Two years before, my father died suddenly and my world, as I had known it until then, changed forever.  When my friends and I became Beatle fans, like millions of other fans, we fantasized ourselves with our favorite Beatle (my favorite was Paul McCartney).

During the seventh grade, two of my close friends and I each wrote stories about our lives with the Beatles.  Each one of us wrote about what it would be like to be engaged to our favorite Beatle.  As children often do, we entered into that transitional world between imagination and "ordinary reality" in our writing.

Each day, we would come in to class and during break, we would read excerpts from our writing to each other about our adventures with the Beatles.  Sometimes, we read our writing to our teachers, who encouraged us.

New York World's Fair - Flushing, Queens
During the New York World's Fair in Flushing, Queens, my young friends and I pretended that we were from Liverpool.  They were giving out buttons with the names of people's country of origin, and we were thrilled to each get a button that said "Great Britain."  I don't think we fooled anyone with our fake accents, but the adults went along with us.

Fortunately, throughout that time, no one told us to stop day dreaming or to get our heads "out of the clouds."  We were allowed to use our imagination and have fun with it.  We were allowed to play with ideas and different roles.  We were too young to appreciate this then.  But I can look back now and see how crucial it was for my emotional development and well being at that time.

Allowing Children to Use Their Imagination is an Important Part of Their Development
Being allowed to day dream and use my imagination as a child never interfered with my school work, as many parents might fear.  I continued to get good grades.  And, if anything, it enabled me to develop a curiosity about and openness to people and places that were not part of my immediate world.  It also allowed me to have a sense of wonder and hope about my world in the future.

Isn't this what we want for our children?  If so, let's encourage them to play, dream, imagine and flourish.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.




Photo Credit:  photo credit: jaci XIII via photopin cc

Do You Feel Overwhelmed by a Friend's Problems?

Part of being a good friend is being emotionally supportive when a friend needs emotional support. If there is give-and-take between friends, each friend takes turns being supportive and being supported at various points in the friendship. But what happens when you start to feel overwhelmed by your friend's problems?  

Overwhelmed by a Friend's Problems?

Balancing Your Friend's Need for Emotional Support with Your Need for Self Care
It's important to balance your friend's need for emotional support with your need for self care.  It's not always easy to know when to draw the line.  Feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed can creep up on your before you even realize what's happening.  Before you know it, you might feel emotionally and physically depleted, even though this isn't your friend's intention.

Do You Feel Overwhelmed By a Friend's Problems?

After a while, if this is the usual dynamic between you and your friend, you might respond to his or her calls, emails or text messages with mixed feelings.  On the one hand, you might want to be a good friend, but on the other hand, you might also feel apprehensive about responding and feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

You might also sense that your support isn't doing any good, especially if your friend isn't making any effort to change whatever might be bothering him or her.  In some instances, what might occur is that your friend feels better after he or she vents and then feels no incentive to try to make changes to overcome the problem.

Setting Limits with Your Friend
Even though it might make you feel guilty at first, it's important to know when to step back and assess this type of situation.  The give-and-take in any friendship isn't always going to be 50-50 all the time.  Your friend might be going through a particularly difficult time, and she might be calling on you more than you ask for help from her.

Friendship isn't about keeping a tally about these things.  But if you find that this is predominantly the dynamic most of the time, and your friend's problems are starting to exhaust you, you would be wise to make self care your priority and set some limits with him in a tactful and empathetic way.

Hopefully, you're not the only emotional resource that she has and she'll also turn to other friends or supportive family members for help.  Better yet, if her problems are longstanding, it would be best for her to seek professional help from a licensed mental health clinician.

It doesn't always feel good to set these kinds of boundaries with people that we care about.  Most people don't realize that they're exhausting their friends because they're so immersed in their own problems.  A good friend will understand that you need to take care of yourself too.

But if she even if she doesn't understand, you still need to know what you limits are and take care of yourself.  Becoming emotionally and physically depleted by a friend, family member, or coworker can create problems for you, including compromising your immune system and causing you to become vulnerable to getting sick.

In addition, friends often struggle with the same unresolved issues that you might have, so it can trigger your own emotional upset, if you haven't dealt with these issues.  You can't be your friend's therapist, even if you're trained to be a therapist.  Often, the best solution is to recommend that he get professional help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Letting Go of Resentments

As I've written in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is a complex dynamic.   As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear from many daughters and mothers about longstanding resentments that never get resolved.  Over the course of a lifetime, resentments can build up, especially if they're not resolved when they occur.  It's not unusual for mothers and daughters to continue arguing the same old arguments over and over again, adding more confusion and anger as time goes on.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Often, mothers and daughters have unrealistic expectations of each other:

Daughters' Idealization of Mothers' Role:
As a society, we tend to idealize the mother's role:  she should always be nurturing, understanding, a good listener and a shoulder to cry on.  When your mother falls short of this idealization, you might feel cheated and deprived and resentment builds up.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

But no one can live up to this standard all the time, especially since mothers in most households now must work as well as being mothers and wives.  As a daughter, assuming that you had a reasonably healthy childhood, you need to let go of this idealization and realize that your mother is human with flaws, like anyone else.

Mothers' Unrealistic Expectations of Daughters:
There are many mother-daughter relationships that are close and happy when the daughter is younger and then become conflictual as the daughter gets older and needs more independence.  It's not easy watching a daughter move away from you during her teenage years, when friends often become more important than mothers.  Sometimes, it seems like it happens over night.

But it's a normal part of your daughter's development as an individual to mature and seek out other relationships.  As a mother, it's best not to get into power struggles with your daughter about this.  You can't be your daughter's best friend.  She needs you to be her mother.  And if you can negotiate this challenging period with your daughter, you're more likely to have a better relationship with your daughter over time.

Mothers and Daughters Arguing the Same Arguments Over and Over Again:
Rather than getting into power struggles, sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree and let go of old arguments and resentments.  Rehashing the same old arguments does nothing but deepen resentment.  Over time, mothers and daughters can become emotionally distant from each other.  The longer this goes on, the harder it is to repair.  It's often better to choose your battles and recognize when you might be arguing to win a power struggle.  No one wins under these circumstances.  Often, both people lose.

Letting Go of Resentments and Forgiving:
I've said this many times to clients, "Forgiving is for the person doing the forgiving."  It doesn't mean that whatever the other person did was okay.  It's not necessarily about reconciliation with the other person.

There are times when relationships can't be reconciled for a variety of reasons.  For instance, there are times when maintaining a relationship is either so emotionally or physically abusive that it would be too damaging to remain in contact.  Self preservation is crucial.

Whether you choose to reconcile directly with your mother or daughter or not, it's important to work through resentments so that they don't remain emotionally toxic within you.  Many clients ask me, "But how do I do this?"  It's a process that can be worked through in therapy with a skilled clinician.

It's Possible to Change an Unhealthy Mother-Daughter Relationship:
Some mothers and daughters are stuck in a rut in their relationships together.  It might be that both of them see the unhealthy dynamic and want to change it, but they don't know how.

For some mothers and daughters, attempts at talking about it only lead to more conflict and arguments.  Sometimes, the best way to change a dynamic is to change yourself rather than waiting for the other person to change.  For instance, if you want your mother or daughter to be a better listener, be a better listener yourself when you talk to her.

Be in the Present  Moment:
When resentments have built up over time, it's often hard to be in the present moment with the other person.  This is especially true when mothers and daughters have longstanding resentments.

When you're constantly focused on old resentments, you might miss out on moments of closeness when there's no conflict.  It's possible that there can be moments when you enjoy each other's company.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Part of letting go of old resentments is being open to the possibility that the dynamic in your mother-daughter relationship might change.  For this to happen, both people must be willing and able.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many mothers and daughters to let go of resentments in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships