Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dream Work

I've been rereading Stephen LaBerge's book, Lucid Dreaming because of my strong interest in dreams in general, and lucid dreams in particular.  One of the recommendations he makes about dealing with nightmares is that, rather than avoiding them, to deal directly with nightmarish figures in dreams, which is a creative form of dreamwork to help overcome unconscious aspects that crop up in our dreams.

 Nightmares

Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dream Work

For most of us, our usual reaction to waking up from a nightmare is to be glad we've awoken and want to immediately avoid thinking about it. But I agree with Dr. LaBerge that avoiding the unpleasant aspects of dreams and thinking we're now off the hook is, as he states, a little like a prisoner who digs his way out of his prison cell only to find that he's in the cell next door.  You haven't escaped. You've merely exchanged one cell for another, and whatever unresolved issues you might be having remain unconscious for potentially more nightmares.

Lucid Dream Work with Nightmares While Asleep

Dr. LaBerge has recommendations in his book on how to do dream work with nightmares while in a lucid state in the dream as well as strategies for dealing with nightmarish figures while awake.  The main focus of the book is how to achieve lucidity in dreams while asleep, which can be a very exciting and useful state to achieve.  But learning to transform nightmarish figures after the dream by having a "dialogue" with them can also be a creative solution to overcoming nightmares.

Dr. LaBerge recommends that, even in a waking state, we can use our imagination to create this dialogue with the figure from the nightmare by asking this figure who s/he is and what message he or she might have for you.  This can be done with paper and pen (or on computer).  In order to do this, we must suspend disbelief while we're doing this exercise and not worry about looking silly.  Anyway, you're likely to be doing this on your own, so why worry about what other people might think?  You'd be doing this to overcome an unpleasant experience so it doesn't continue to recur.

Dream Work and Hypnotherapy

This same type of dream work can also be done with a skilled hypnotherapist who works with dreams and who can help you to get back into the dream state to do the work. It often feels safer to do dreamwork with a trained therapist, especially for recurring dreams, rather than trying to do it on your own.  It all depends on how comfortable you are doing the work.

Lucid Dreams

In any case, I recommend the book, "Lucid Dreaming" by Dr. Stephen LaBerge, which can be obtained in either paperback or as an e-book.  The advantage of the paperback is that you get a CD with helpful suggestions.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR clinician, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I have also helped many clients to find creative solutions to their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You can also read my article about Dream Incubation.

Relationships: Is There Room in Your Relationship for Your Feelings?

As a psychotherapist in New York City, who sees both individuals and couples, one of the most common problems that clients bring to therapy is that they feel there isn't room in their relationships for them to express their feelings.

There can be many reasons why this problem occurs.  Often, it goes beyond a problem with communication, although this is usually a factor.  The more challenging factor is that there has usually been a dynamic in the relationship where one person, who tends to be the more dominant person in the relationship, has more control over the emotional tenor, how the couple spends time, financial decisions, and other aspects of the relationship.  In other words, there's a power differential between them.

When I see individuals or couples where this is a problem, the person who is less dominant in the relationship often complains that whenever s/he tries to talk about unpleasant feelings, like feeling ignored or unmet emotional needs, the partner either refuses to hear it or minimizes the feelings.  For the person who feels unheard, over time, this often causes hurt, anger and resentment. If the dynamic persists, it can erode the relationship.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates this relationship dynamic:

Dan and Sue:
Dan and Sue, both in their late 30s, were married for 10 years.  They had two sons (6 and 7).  They got married while Dan was in law school.  In the early years, Sue worked as an office manager while Dan completed law school.  They were very in love and had common values.

The main problem that brought them into marriage counseling, from Sue's point of view, was that she felt Dan wasn't open to hearing her talk about her unmet emotional needs.

Relationships:  Is There Room in Your Relationship for Your Feelings?

She felt he tended to shut her down or, if she persisted in trying to talk to him, he would get angry and they would argue.  Lately, these arguments were becoming more frequent, and they were starting to erode the relationship.  From Dan's point of view, Sue was making unreasonable emotional demands on him.  When he got home from his stressful job, he didn't want to have these discussions.  He didn't want to be confronted by Sue's emotional demands.  Sue countered that, even when she tried to find a better time to talk, Dan was still dismissive of her feelings.

As they talked about their relationship, it became apparent that this dynamic began early on.  In the beginning, when Dan was in law school, he had a lot of time constraints. Sue learned to be emotionally accommodating, keeping most of her concerns to herself.  She thought this dynamic would change once Dan completed law school and became an attorney.  But once he became an attorney in a top law firm, he had to work very long hours.  When he got home, he was exhausted.  He often spent most evenings and weekends working, leaving Sue feeling  lonely. Whenever she tried to talk to Dan about it, he got angry and felt unappreciated. From his point of view, he was doing all of this for them.

By the time they had their two sons, Sue felt even more lonely.  Dan relied on Sue to make most of the decisions about the children.  He spent time with their sons, but there seemed to be less and less time for Dan and Sue as a couple.  Over time, Sue began to wonder if she would be happier with someone else.  Lately, one of her male colleagues began flirting with her.  Sue was flattered, and she began fantasizing about what it might be like to have an affair with this man.  When she realized that she was having these fantasies more often, she became concerned.  At that point, she told Dan that she thought their marriage was in serious trouble, and if they couldn't work out these problems, they should consider divorce.

When Sue discussed how the male colleague's attention made her realize that she could, possibly, leave her marriage for a more satisfying relationship (although not with her colleague), Dan was shocked.  He has to reassess how preoccupied he was with work and his unwilingness to listen to Sue's concerns.  He didn't want to lose his marriage and his family.

Over time, in marriage counseling, Dan and Sue learned how to prioritize their relationship. It wasn't quick or easy. They learned how to be more empathic towards each other's emotional needs.  Dan no longer dismissed Sue's feelings.  Sue learned how and when Dan would be more receptive to hearing her.  Dan became more emotionally attuned towards his own feelings, which he realized he was ignoring.  Overall, they developed a more satisfying relationship and they enjoyed children more because they were happier with each other.

The case example above presents one possible dynamic, but there are many variations on this theme.  Men often come in complaining about women who are not emotionally attuned to their needs.  Gay and lesbian individuals and couples come in with similar issues.  This type of problem isn't about gender or sexual orientation.  It's a common problem for many couples.  It's also often a dynamic that can be changed in couples or marriage counseling, especially if he couples come in sooner rather than later and if both people are motivated to make changes.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're in a relationship where one or both of you feel your emotional needs aren't being met and there's no room to discuss this between you, you owe it to yourself and your partner to seek professional help from a licensed therapist who has expertise in this area. It's possible to have a more emotionally satisfying relationship with the right help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who sees individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

Complicated grief and unresolved mourning often occurs when there is a delay in the mourning process. If unresolved mourning persists, over time, it can result in major depression, anxiety or posttraumatic disorder (PTSD). Complicated grief can occur for many reasons.

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

The vignette below, which I'm providing with permission from a friend (changing her name to protect her privacy) illustrates how unresolved mourning can lead to further emotional complications over time:

Mary:
When Mary was nine years old, her father died from a sudden heart attack.  Due to the suddenness of her father's death, Mary's mother went into shock and she was physically and emotionally unavailable for Mary.  Mary, who was very close to her father was left to deal with her own overwhelming grief on her own.  Most of the family was focused on helping Mary's mother through the emotional ordeal.

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

To complicate matters, Mary, who was a quiet girl, appeared to be handling the loss relatively well.  What the family didn't understand was that Mary was emotionally dissociated because her father's death was too overwhelming for her.  What appeared to be Mary's calm demeanor was, in fact, a dissociation.  Since she had no one to comfort her, Mary retreated into herself emotionally, and no one could see what was happening to her.

Over the years, Mary had frequent dreams where her father would appear to her and tell her that he wasn't dead.  These recurring dreams usually took a familiar form where Mary would turn around and then when she turned back, her father was gone.  She continued to have these dreams throughout her adulthood. The result was that Mary's internal experience of her father went into a netherworld where she felt she was continually waiting to wake up and discover that her father's death was all a dream.

Over the years, Mary's internal experience of her father became as shadowy and ghost-like as her dreams.  At times, even though she knew rationally that he had lived and she had wonderful memories of their times together, a part of her felt felt like he had never existed.  This was a very confusing experience, and it made her feel like she was losing her mind.

After many failed attempts to have romantic relationships with men, she decided to see a psychotherapist to try to understand her experiences.

It was at that point that she learned that she had PTSD stemming from her complicated grief and unresolved mourning.  As she began to integrate her experiences related to father's death, she was able to finally mourn her loss. She also integrated her memories, both positive and negative, so that her experience of her father coalesced, rather than being stuck in a dissociated netherworld.

Prior to going to therapy, Mary feared dealing with her unresolved grief.  She feared that she would be overwhelmed with sorrow.


But once she began therapy, she realized that dealing with her grief, although sad, was a healing experience.  It also helped her to be able to sustain a romantic relationship with the man she eventually  married.  She was no longer afraid to open herself up to a loving relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy:
As a psychotherapist in NYC, I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of complicated grief and unresolved mourning.

If you are someone who is having difficulty mourning the loss of a loved one, you owe to yourself and those who are close to you to get help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Mourning isn't easy, but living with the constant  pain of loss that feels like it will never end, usually leads to even deeper emotional pain.

Healing is possible with an experienced psychotherapist who has expertise in complicated grief and unresolved mourning.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I work dynamically with clients in a supportive environment.  I am also certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which includes clinical hypnosis,  Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up  consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is Envy Ruining the Quality of Your Life?

Unrelenting envy can be a self destructive force that can ruin the quality of your life if you allow it.  

It doesn't help that we're constantly being bombarded by messages in the media that we should be thinner, happier, younger looking, and more attractive, and if we're not, somehow, it's our own fault. 

All these messages can create an environment where we're constantly comparing ourselves to others who seem to have the qualities that we want and don't have.  It can lead us to a state of feeling that we don't measure up, leaving us to feel envious of others.

Successful Advertising Often Results in Our Feeling Dissatisfied

Successful advertising often results in our feeling dissatisfied with ourselves and wanting to have what we perceive others have which, in turn, leads to our going out and purchasing products or services in a never ending quest to have what we want.

Is Envy Ruining the Quality of Your Life?

Of course, advertising is not always the culprit that creates dissatisfaction in ourselves and envy of others.  In many instances, persistent messages , whether they were  explicit or implicit, from our families when we were growing up were that we  weren't good enough.  So, advertising and other forms of media often reinforce our own longstanding emotional insecurities.    

Envy:  It's Not About the Other Person--Its About You

The important thing to realize, when you're struggling with envy, is that it's not about the other person--it's about you.

When you're consumed by envy, it's often a sign that your self esteem is in the dumps. Clinical hypnosis is often effective in helping people get to the root of low self esteem and build self confidence.

Clinical hypnosis is not a "magic bullet cure."  It's not something that "done to you." It's therapeutic work.  When hypnosis is successful, you can discover what's holding you back and work on overcoming it.  

Passing Moments of Envy vs a Pervasive Pattern of Feeling Envious

We all have passing moments of envy.  Often, these are fleeting experiences.  But if you find yourself in a state of constantly comparing yourself unfavorably with others and envying them for what you feel you don't have, you owe it to yourself to explore the source of your low self esteem.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who specializes in interactive, dynamic psychotherapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

On Being Alone

In psychotherapy literature, much has been written about the unique experience that individuals have about being alone.  Donald Winnicott, the British Object Relations psychoanalyst and pediatrician, talked about the experiences of the infant who was able to tolerate times of being alone because she had an internalized sense of being alone and yet feeling the loving presence of the mother in the background.  

When things go well for the infant, this "good enough" mother is sensed as an internalized experience of nurturing that remains with the infant even when the mother isn't in sight, so the infant doesn't feel abandoned.

"Wounded Aloneness"

Michael Eigen, Ph.D., American psychoanalyst, talks about "wounded aloneness" in his latest book, "Contact with the Depths."  When the infant is unable to internalize a nurturing mother, for whatever reason, the infant experiences moments of  being alone as being abandoned, fraught with fear.  Of course, the baby has no language to express this fear, which probably is terrifying.  We know now that, contrary to former beliefs, we're not born like blank slates.  We respond and interact with our environment.  We know now about the neuroplasticity of the brain and the importance of these early experiences to the infant's developing mind.

On Being Alone

As adults, how we experience being alone is often based on these early experiences.  If the overall early experience was "good enough" in a Winnicottian sense, all things being equal, we can tolerate and even enjoy being alone for periods of time. 

We can maintain an internal sense of loving friends and family, even though they're not with us physically.  This doesn't mean that we never feel lonely.  Everyone, no matter what your early experiences have been, experiences loneliness at various times.  But, overall, being alone is, at worst, a neutral experience and, at best, a time to regroup, relax, and renew onself.

Feelings of "wounded aloneness" can lead to depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, and other forms of addictive and compulsive behavior in an effort to comfort oneself.  The drink or the drug becomes the "friend" that is so hard to give up.  It's the friend who's always there, "reliable."   

When psychotherapy is going well, when there's a good match between the therapist and client, there can be a repair to "wounded aloneness."  It doesn't happen over night.  A sense of trust must be established first.  After a time, the client learns to internalize the therapist.

Even when the therapist isn't around or even after therapy has ended, when therapy is successful, the client maintains a sense of the therapist.   There are many times when I still think of my first analyst, who has been dead for more than 20 years, and remember things he said, a look, a gesture, or helpful advice.  

In many ways, my experience of him is stronger now than at any other time in my life.  This is a common experience for many people who've had good experiences in therapy.  

We used to think that trauma and experiences of neglect and abuse did irreparable damage to children and that the best one could do is accept one's fate as an adult to remain wounded and feeling emotionally damaged.  

Fortunately, we now know that it's possible to change, heal, grow and overcome early deficits.  

Getting Help in Therapy
There are many ways to heal emotionally.  Psychotherapy is one way.   If being alone for you is a hurtful and retraumatizing experience, help is available to you.  

Working with a therapist you feel comfortable with can be a life changing experience.  Often, beginning the process can be the hardest part.  

But it can also set you on a new journey, opening up a new world for you, if you allow it.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist.  Dynamic, interactive talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing are among my specialties.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Make Better Choices in Romantic Relationships

As a psychotherapist in New York City, over the years, I've see many clients, both men and women, who come to therapy in despair because they continue  to make unhealthy choices in their romantic relationships.

Learning to Make Better Choices in Romantic Relationships

Most of them want very much to be in healthy, loving relationships, but they keep choosing the same type of romantic partners who are almost certainly guaranteed to disappoint and break their hearts. Usually, they say they'd like to be with a kind, loving person, but they're often attracted to just the opposite type of person--emotionally unavailable, selfish, narcissistic, mean or abusive.

Looking at this phenomena on the surface, you might wonder: How can there be such a disparity between what they say they want or who they're attracted to?  It just doesn't seem to make sense. But looking below the surface at the underlying reasons that drive the attractions, we find the unconscious forces that make these unhealthy choices so compelling.

Usually, when there's such a disparity between the type of romantic partner someone says they want vs the type of people they're actually attracted to, these attractions are driven by early, often preverbal, bonds to their earliest caregivers, usually a mother or father.  

Of course, this isn't always a negative thing.  Many people were fortunate enough to have loving, nurturing parents. But if you weren't so fortunate, your early bonding experience might be getting in the way of your h making good choices for yourself.  You might be caught in a cycle of basing your relationships on unhealthy attractions.

For people caught in this cycle of wanting a healthy relationship, but continuing to choose emotionally unhealthy people, the dilemma becomes that, on the one hand, even when they meet people who are potential health partners, they're not attracted to them. There's no spark or chemistry, so there's little motivation to pursue these relationships.  On the other hand, when they meet the type of person they say they want to avoid, fireworks go off.

This can be a very discouraging dilemma.  But it is possible to change these dynamics  in therapy.  Using hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing therapy and dynamic talk therapy, it's possible to not only understand why you're continuing to make poor choices but also to learn to have attractions be more in synch with what you know is emotionally healthy for you.

About Me:
I am a New York City psychotherapist who provides therapy for individuals and couples, including dynamic talk therapy, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Fears that Keep You Stuck

Fear can be a debilitating force that keeps us stuck and immobilized. We might want to accomplish certain goals, but overwhelming fear can keep us from even finding out what we need to do to get on the right path to achieve those goals. Sometimes, years go by, and the fear makes achieving our goals seem like an impossibility.

Overcoming the Fears that Keep You Stuck

On my first day registering for college at Hunter College of CUNY, I met a woman who was getting the paperwork to apply to the college. She told me that she'd been waiting more than 10 years to apply to college. Going to college had been her dream for all that time, she told me in a nervous and excited tone. She'd spent those years working and saving her money so she could go.

During those years, all she could get were dead end jobs that she hated, but she persevered with her goal in mind. In order to save up for four years of tuition, she made a lot of sacrifices. She kept a very strict budget: She hardly ever went out socially; she didn't buy any new clothes; and she watched every penny she spent. Now, after saving all her money, she was finally ready to get the information she needed to apply. No one in her family had ever gone to college, so this was a very big thing for her.

As listened to her more, it became evident that she'd had so many fears about going to college, even in terms of the application process, that she never found out about financial aid, scholarships or loans. Her fear for something she very much wanted kept her from even getting basic information that could have saved her from delaying all those years and making unnecessary sacrifices.

 She had been told by her parents that college was very expensive, out of reach for them and probably out of reach for her. So, she avoided getting information and doggedly set about saving every penny, convinced that she had to sacrifice everything in order to begin the process of applying for college.

As she was telling me how she scrimped and saved, I wondered how she was going to feel when she found out she didn't need to wait all those years to make her dream come true. As it turned out, I saw her a few months later, after she had been accepted to the college. She told me how shocked she was that she was entitled to a substantial amount of financial aid, and she didn't need to sacrifice all those years, staying home, and depriving herself. She realized that, during all those years, she allowed her fear of even getting information to keep her stuck, and when she finally mobilized herself to pursue her dream, it wasn't nearly as daunting as she anticipated. She regretted self sacrificing needlessly and wished she had looked into things sooner.

Even though I didn't know this young woman well, I never forgot her story and the lesson it provided. When we're fearful of pursuing our dreams, they often seem so much more daunting than they turn out to be. Often, when we're finally on the path where we want to be, we say to ourselves, "Wow! This isn't as bad as I thought! Why did I wait? I could have started sooner."

You can overcome fears that keep you stuck

Of course, it's not always so simple. Overwhelming trauma often creates fears that make it very difficult to overcome. We can't always "bootstrap" ourselves along to overcome our fears. Sometimes, we need help. Not knowing this young woman well, I don't know what possible traumatic events might have occurred to her parents to cause them to feel that college was an almost unattainable goal for their daughter. I don't know what fears this young woman might have taken on from them or developed on her own. But I could feel the regret and disappointment she experienced for allowing her fears to overcome her.

Letting go of your fears

Working with a skilled hypnotherapist, it's possible to overcome long-held fears that keep you from achieving your dreams. As I've mentioned in other blog posts, clinical hypnosis isn't a "magic bullet." It's not something that's done to you while you passively observe. But it can be an effective form of therapy to help you overcome the emotional obstacles that keep you stuck.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about clinical hypnosis, you can visit the professional hypnosis website: American Society of Clinical Hypnosis

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.