Turning Lemons into Lemonade For Life's Ordinary Disappointments

There's an old saying about life's everyday disappointments: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Some people have such an extraordinary knack of being able to reframe life's inevitable disappointments to make a negative into a positive. 

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade For Ordinary Disappointments

They are the 10 or so percent of the population who are naturally optimistic. They can find the silver lining in the darkest storm clouds: Stuck in traffic? No problem, it's an opportunity to remember to breathe and relax. 

Their car needs repairs? No problem, it's an opportunity to walk and get more exercise.

Everyday disappointments and frustrations are taken in stride with their naturally positive attitude and resilience. For most of the rest of us, this is a way of being that doesn't come naturally and would need to be cultivated.

Ordinary Disappointments and Frustration

Before I go on, I want to stress that I'm referring to life's ordinary and inevitable disappointments and frustrations. I'm not referring to tragic losses or trauma. 

It would be cruel to expect, for instance, that a parent who loses a child would be looking for a silver lining in this loss--although, there are some very extraordinary people who galvanize themselves and find the strength to help others, even after tragic losses. 

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and other similar groups are examples of this, but the ability to do that is different from reframing a loss or disappointment.

So, how can we learn to "make lemonade" when life gives us lemons? How can we learn to develop this skill that resilient and resourceful people have? And why is it important to learn this life skill?

Well, I'll address the second question first by saying that, on the most basic level, research has shown that people who have an optimistic attitude tend to be healthier and live longer. They feel confident and more in control of their lives. And, generally speaking, they tend to be happier than people who have a more pessimistic outlook on life, so the quality of their lives is better.

As to how to develop a more optimistic attitude, the first step is to have an awareness of how you think and respond to ordinary disappointments. Do you feel angry and defeated or are you able to take an everyday disappointment in stride?

To be able to determine this, you need to be able to step back in a non-defensive way and be honest with yourself. 

At times, this can be challenging, but if you can review in your mind how you handled the last few annoying incidents in your life, all things being equal, you would probably get a good sense of where you are on the optimism/pessimism spectrum. 

And I want to stress that there is a spectrum--it's not a black and white or all or nothing thing. And, of course, there are especially stressful times in life when you can feel overwhelmed and, even the most optimistic person would feel challenged, but I'm not referring to these times.

So, let's say that you've determined that you're someone who gets easily thrown by everyday disappointments and you want to learn to change the way you respond. How do you do that? My recommendation, after you learn to develop an awareness of your habitual pattern is to practice reframing these events for yourself.

Now, if you're a naturally dyed-in-the-wool pessimist, this will be challenging, no doubt about it. 

If the idea of reframing a relatively minor disappointment into a potential opportunity seems impossible for you, you might need to start by using your creative imagination to imagine how an optimistic person might look at it. Suspend disbelief and put yourself in the shoes of an optimistic person to fathom how he or she might reframe an annoyance or disappointment.

Even if, at first, this seems completely foreign to you, chances are that if you practice this diligently, you can change the way you think and respond to life's ordinary downturns. And the ability to reframe these disappointments can help you to be a more resilient and resourceful person who can respond to life in a creative way.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being Open to New Experiences

Do You Feel Stuck in Your Life?
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who feel they're stuck in their lives. Over time, if this feeling persists, it often leads to anxiety and depression, which usually has the effect of making people feel even more stuck and leads to even greater feelings of constriction. Life can become dull and uneventful. For some people, it becomes hard to climb out of this rut and all they can see is more of the same.

Being Open to New Experiences

Fear of Trying New Experiences

For many clients who have gotten into this kind of rut, life has become too routine. They're living their lives in a habitual way. For some, there's a fear of trying new experiences. Even though they may feel unhappy with the well-worn routines in their lives, their fear of trying a new experience paralyzes them emotionally from stepping outside the "box" they're in.

Working Through a History of "I'm not good enough"

Often, it's necessary to work through a history of feeling "I'm not good enough" or "I don't deserve to be happy." The roots of this problem can be deep. But, in the mean time, when working with clients who are caught in this kind of rut, I often recommend that they remain open to new, positive experiences. A new experience doesn't have to be a big change. It can be something small, like walking down a different street to go home, window shopping in a store where you wouldn't normally go, listening to music you don't usually listen to or think you don't like or trying an ethnic dish that's new for you.

Beginning with Small Changes to Step Outside Your Comfort Zone

The idea of being open to new experiences is to help you change the habitual cycle of "stuckness" and boredom in your life. Small changes often lead to bigger changes as you overcome your fear of stepping outside your comfort zone. This usually isn't the "magic bullet" to overcoming a lifelong self experience of feeling undeserving, but it gets you to start taking steps to make changes while you're working with your therapist to overcome the underlying issues that are driving this feeling.

Taking an action, as opposed to only analyzing your problems, is crucial to making positive changes. One of the criticisms of traditional talk therapy is that people spend years analyzing their problems, but nothing changes. Clients might become more insightful about their problems, but it remains an intellectual process. If you don't actually take steps, even very small steps, nothing changes. So, when I work with clients who are stuck in an emotional rut, whether we're doing hypnotherapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or contemporary talk therapy, I often also encourage clients to be open to new experiences.

Starting with Small Changes Can Lead to an Upward Spiral

What might, at first, seem like a small change, can lead to an upward spiral to bigger and more satisfying changes.

For instance, a willingness to explore a new way of going home could lead to the discovery of a costume jewelry shop that you've never seen before. You go in and, possibly, this leads to a conversation with the store owner who designs this creative jewelry. Maybe you discover that she also conducts jewelry design classes for beginners, which piques your curiosity. This could lead to your taking a class in jewelry design which, in turn, could lead to a new and interesting hobby--or maybe, if you really love it, you eventually sell your designs in the store. Maybe, if you're really passionate about it, you even get your own website to sell the jewelry you're designing.

Opening Up to Your Creative Imagination

It all starts with a willingness and curiosity to be open to new experiences and a willingness to take the first step. Will this be the answer to all your problems? Probably not. But it helps to break the cycle you might be caught in right now. It also helps you to see there are an endless source of possibilities for new experiences if you're willing to give them a try. Often, the key to pursuing new, positive experiences is allowing your creative imagination to open up to new possibilities.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides mental health services to individuals and couples, including contemporary and dynamic psychotherapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

All Hypnosis is Self Hypnosis

All hypnosis, whether it's through a hypnotherapist or you've learned to do it on your own, is self hypnosis. You might wonder how hypnosis that is conducted by a hypnotherapist can be self hypnosis. Well, the answer is that, during hypnosis, you have complete control of the messages you take in. 

All Hypnosis is Self Hypnosis

Even when a hypnotherapist is helping you to get into a hypnotic state, you're in a relaxed state, you always maintain dual awareness of everything around you, and your unconscious mind will only take in what's best for you.

Misconceptions about Hypnosis
People often have misconceptions about hypnosis. Unlike the unfortunate caricature of stage hypnosis, during clinical hypnosis, you're completely aware of the here-and-now as well as whatever you're working on in hypnosis. The hypnotic state is a relaxed, natural state that we all go through many times a day. Daydreaming or going into reverie states is similar to the hypnotic trance state.

Hypnosis is Not a "Quick Fix"

Although safe and effective when it's performed by a licensed mental health professional, hypnosis is not a "quick fix" or something that is "done to" you. This is another misconception--that you can sit back and it will be as if someone is waving a magic wand over you. In fact, if you're not really motivated to change whatever issue you're presenting to the hypnotherapist, hypnosis often won't work.

If you work with a hypnotherapist (as opposed to a hypnotist), you can also learn to do hypnosis on your own (what most people refer to as self hypnosis) for many emotional and physical conditions, including anxiety, medical issues, and pain management.

You Don't Need to Go Into a Deep Trance to Benefit From Hypnosis

Clinical hypnosis is not a panacea, but it has been very helpful for many people over the years. Even though some people are more easily hypnotized than others, you don't need to go into a deep trance to experience the benefits of hypnosis. In fact, Milton Erickson, the father of modern hypnosis, was a master at conversational hypnosis.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides mental health services to adults, including talk therapy, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Spirituality: Are You Contemplating Your Faith-of-Origin in a New Light?

For many adults, especially during times of crisis, there comes a time when they contemplate their faith-of-origin in a new light. 

This often occurs after decades of having bitterly rejected a belief system from childhood. It's not unusual for people who are reevaluating their faith-of-origin to be surprised and confused that they're even considering returning to their childhood religion, not realizing that this is a common experience for many people at certain stages in their lives. 

What's even more surprising for some people is that their childhood faith still resonates for them emotionally on some level.

How does this happen?  Well, as you can imagine, this process is different for everyone. However, it often occurs during major life transitions or during difficult times. 

Are You Contemplating Your Faith-of-Origin in a New Light?

For some people, it can occur because they feel adrift in life without a spiritual anchor. It may be that there were aspects of their childhood religion that they miss. At a younger age, they might not have had the ability to overcome the challenge of holding onto what they liked and rejecting what didn't resonate. They took an all-or-nothing attitude. But now, either due to an emotional crisis, a life transition or a longing to feel a deeper spiritual connection, they're willing to revisit these issues with an open mind.

For many people growing up as children where they had no choice about participating in the family religion, rejecting their faith-of-origin was part of becoming independent from their families. This rejection was part of becoming an adult who could make his or her own choices in life. It was part of declaring themselves as autonomous individuals. 

As young adults, they might have felt that they closed the door on their faith-of-origin, never to be opened again. And yet, as an older adult, when they feel secure in their independence, there's no longer a need to take such an absolute stand, and they're usually surprised to realize that they're missing parts or all of their former religion. What once seemed to have no meaning to them now seems to hold some significance after all.

Contemplating your faith-of-origin can be a challenging process with many confusing feelings. It can challenge your sense of self and long held beliefs. It can also be a time of feeling newly inspired. It all depends on how you approach this process. With patience, empathy for yourself and a healthy sense of curiosity, it can be a time when time of spiritual and emotional renewal.

It's often comforting to know that many people, especially during middle age or later, go through this reevaluation process about their childhood religion. 

If you're willing to spend time contemplating what still remains true for you, what you want to keep from your faith-of-origin, and what you might want to let go of, you may find a lost part of yourself. You might discover that your childhood belief system is still intact in some form. 

You might find yourself reconsidering childhood beliefs in a new light with a more nuanced adult understanding. For many people, this gives new meaning to their lives and helps them to feel more emotionally integrated.

Spirituality is an important part of many people's lives. Whether they're reclaiming their faith-of-origin on their own terms now or they're exploring new beliefs, it can be an emotionally rewarding time if you can be compassionate with yourself, tolerate the uncertainties that are often inherent in the process, and allow this process to unfold in a way that's right for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services to individual adults and couples, including talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have helped many clients to explore and reconcile their spiritual beliefs in a way that are meaningful to them.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating vs Being in a Relationship: Take Time to Get to Know Each Other

In these times of "instant" everything, I find that people often rush into relationships very soon after getting to know each other. After just a few weeks, instead of getting to know each other over time, they're already defining themselves as a couple in a relationship. Shortly after that is when problems usually begin because they don't really know each other.

Why Are People Rushing into Relationships Before They Know Each Other?

I'm not sure why people are in so much more of a rush than they used to be. Possibly with the advent of online dating websites, people feel more pressure to get into a committed relationship quickly because they're aware that there's lots of "competition" out there. Anecdotally, I hear this from both friends and clients that there's a feeling that if you don't "snap up" that the person you like, he or she will keep the online dating profile active and find someone else.

Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Are You Filling in the Blanks Based on Your Fantasy?

When you jump into a committed relationship with someone you hardly know, you usually fill in the blanks about that person based on the fantasy you want. Often, people don't even realize that this is what they're doing until they're surprised to discover something about this person they didn't know and don't like. Then, they're disappointed and wonder how this happened. But the truth is that they didn't really know the other person hardly at all before they rushed into the relationship.

Taking Time to Get to Know Someone Before Getting into a Relationship

My grandmother used to use an expression that my cousins and I used to laugh at called "keeping company." It was sort of the equivalent of dating, but maybe a little more serious. This quaint expression meant that two people were interested in one another and romantically involved. Usually, at that point, they would have met each other's families and it was assumed that they were not seeing anyone else. The next step, if there was going to be a next step, would be that they would get engaged.

While I'm not definitely suggesting that we go back to how things were in my grandmother's day when it comes to relationships (there was a lot that was prudish and oppressive), I see certain advantages to people taking their time and dating for a while before they define themselves as a couple.

How long is "a while"? Well, I think it takes at least a year, ideally two years, before you can get to know someone well enough to have some idea if you're compatible. Of course, you might say it could take a lifetime to get to know someone, and I wouldn't disagree with you. Most of us know couples who thought they knew each other well and then after 25 years discover that they don't.

My point is that the purpose of dating is to take the time to get to know each other over a period of time, seeing each other in all kinds of circumstances (not just over candlelight where everyone looks good) and making a decision based on reality and not fantasies.

Getting to Know Each Other to Establish a Foundation for a Stable Relationship

So, before you hire that U-Haul to move your stuff into the other person's apartment after just a few weeks or months, get to know him or her better. If it's not going to work out, it's better to know in the let's-get-to-know-each-other dating phase than after you call yourselves a couple. If it's going to work out, you'll have built a good foundation for a stable relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing for individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: 
Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment?

Overcoming Codependency: Focus on Yourself First

If you're a spouse or partner of someone who is actively drinking or drugging, no one has to tell you how difficult life can be. 

Overcoming Codependency

Anxiety about raising your children, paying the bills, and just getting through the day can be an uphill struggle. 

Trying to decide whether to stay in the relationship or go might be ever present in your mind. 

Often, one of the biggest challenges is the effect all of this has on your self esteem. When you don't feel good about yourself, you're less likely to take care of yourself in basic ways. Getting proper rest, eating healthy meals, proper grooming, and feeling entitled to emotional support often all go out the window because you're so focused on what new calamity will happen next because of your spouse.

Overfunctioning for Your Spouse

At this point, you might be so wrapped up in over functioning for your spouse that you don't even realize that you're neglecting yourself. All of this can have serious consequences for your physical health and emotional well-being.

Codependent Behavior Patterns Can Be Very Ingrained

At times, especially if codependent patterns are very ingrained, you might not know where to start. How do you change habits that you've formed over a lifetime? It might seem impossible, but thousands of people just like you have learned to turn their lives around through Al-Anon.

Al-Anon

Al-Anon is a supportive, nonjudgmental self help environment where people share their hope and experience about what has worked for them in their recovery from codependence. There is no advice giving or preaching. People share the tools of the program in terms of what has been helpful to them. In the spirit of Al-Anon, you can "take what you like and leave the rest," which means you are free to accept or reject either part or all that has been shared. There's also an opportunity for sponsorship for additional support.

In Al-Anon, people don't pretend they have all the answers. Codependent issues might still be a struggle for many, but they are still committed to the Al-Anon process.

Getting Help to Overcome Codependency

As a psychotherapist, I've worked with many spouses and partners of people who have substance abuse problems, and many of them have benefited from the tools they gained in Al-Anon, which is why I usually recommend it.

No one can tell you what's right for you in your life. Whether you stay or leave your relationship is up to you. But, whatever you decide, it's important to get the emotional support that you need and deserve so you can take care of yourself first.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing to adults. 

I work with individuals and couples, and I've helped many people to overcome codependency issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Al-Anon: Beyond Reciting Slogans

Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

Early recovery can be a challenging time for a person struggling with alcoholism and his or her family. Putting the alcohol down is a positive step which, in itself, can be difficult.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

For many people, who suffer with alcoholism, alcohol represents a "friend" who is always there to comfort and soothe. The thought of giving up drinking can be very scary during the early stages of recovery. But, beyond that, once you've made the decision to stop drinking, you'll need emotional support and the tools of recovery to help you cope with the challenges that most people face when they're newly sober.

So, what are the challenges of early recovery? 
Well, to start, once you're newly sober, you might find that drinking might have been a maladaptive way of self medicating depression, anxiety or other emotional problems. Alcohol might have done a "good job" of masking a mood disorder that is now more readily apparent.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking.  Now What?

Early on, when you first experience the discomfort of these feelings, you might be tempted to pick up again. But, before you do, recognize that many people have successfully stopped drinking and have learned new ways of coping with an underlying mood disorder that was masked by excessive drinking.

During early recovery, don't try to go it alone:
Aside from psychotherapy, getting social support in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) or Rational Recovery is often the first best step in getting help to overcome the challenges of early recovery. Meeting other people, who have successfully navigated through the challenges of early recovery and who maintain their sobriety, can feel like a life line. "One Day At A Time" is not just an empty slogan--it's an important coping strategy. Getting phone numbers from A.A. members, reading the literature, attending meetings on a regular basis, and getting a sponsor are all important aspects in recovery.

Psychotherapy with a therapist who has expertise in early recovery can be helpful in dealing with the underlying emotional issues that often come to the surface when you stop drinking. An experienced therapist can help you to learn new coping skills to overcome a mood disorder and face life's challenges as a newly sober person. Beyond psychotherapy, you might need medication for a period of time to help you with the biochemical changes to the brain that alcoholism often causes.

Repairing your relationships:

Once you've stopped drinking, you and your loved ones might need to repair your relationships. Your spouse and children might be very happy that you've put down the alcohol, but they might also have resentments for the emotional damage that has been done by your drinking. Making amends isn't easy, but it's an important part of recovery. It's important to listen to what your family has to say and to take responsibility for your actions. Repairing these relationships begins by listening in an non-defensive way, not making excuses, and then expressing a heartfelt apology. Repair doesn't happen over night. You'll need to regain your family's trust over time. But taking these first steps are crucial.

Early Recovery: Repairing Your Relationships 

Beyond that, even though your spouse might have wanted you to get sober, when you do become sober, this is a change for you and your family. Change, even positive change, can be difficult and stressful. For instance, when you were actively drinking, your spouse might have been the one to make major decisions about money or child rearing. But now that you're sober, you want to participate in the decision making. For your spouse, sharing these responsibilities with you now, after years of doing this on her or his own, isn't easy. And you might need to develop certain skills that you missed developing while you were actively drinking.

Al-Anon for family members:

I usually recommend that spouses of people in alcohol recovery attend Al-Anon to get their own support. It's easy to under estimate the challenges of this stage in a relationship. Developing internal resources, coping skills, learning to overcome codependent behavior, and getting social support are part of what Al-Anon is all about. A relationship is a two-way street. Often, it's easy to point the finger of blame on the person struggling with alcoholism. It's usually harder to see the role of the spouse in this dynamic.

The rewards of getting sober:

The challenges of early recovery can be difficult but not insurmountable. The rewards that come with living life as a sober person usually outweigh the challenges. A healthy sense of pride, an increase in self esteem, and an overall sense of well-being are among the benefits you can experience when you decide to stop drinking and get healthy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to help them to successfully overcome addictive and codependent behavior.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Asking for Forgiveness: The Power of Making Amends