Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action"

As I've mentioned in prior articles, there are many common myths about psychotherapy.

See my articles: 

Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time

 Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak)

In addition to the myths that I mentioned in my prior articles, there's also a myth that therapy is all about talking and not taking action.

Common Myths About Psychotherapy:  Therapy is "All Talk and No Action"

I believe this myth survives because of old stereotypes of psychotherapy where a client comes to therapy for many years and nothing changes.

The type of contemporary psychotherapy that I practice focuses on helping clients to achieve transformation, which includes taking action to change.

There can be many obstacles to transformation, so clients often have to work through those obstacles, including early emotional trauma, including their own ambivalence about change, before they can make changes in their lives (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario that addresses these issues:

Rick
Rick came to therapy because he felt stuck in almost every area of his life.

He was in a marriage where he had been unhappy for many years, and he was also in a career that he had come to dislike intensely.

Rick was in therapy before when his anxiety about these issues was especially acute, but he never remained long enough to make changes (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

After he turned 45, Rick's fear of remaining stuck became worse than ever.  He was afraid he would complain for the rest of his life about his unhappiness, but he wouldn't make any changes.

When he started therapy again, Rick wasn't very hopeful that it would help him, but he knew that his friends and colleagues were getting tired of hearing him complain, and he and his wife were barely speaking to each other, so he couldn't count on her for emotional support.

Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action"

Having low expectations of therapy, Rick said he wanted a place to "vent" and to "let off steam" so that his anxiety and dissatisfaction wouldn't overwhelm him.

His therapist addressed these issues in the first session when she asked him what he wanted to accomplish in therapy.

When she heard that he had little expectation of changing, she explained that she worked with clients to help them overcome the obstacles to change and she hoped to be able to help Rick with whatever challenges were getting in his way.

During one of their early sessions, his therapist asked Rick to do a sentence completion exercise in their session through free association, which means to say whatever comes to mind.

Free association is a psychoanalytic technique and using free association in this way is a technique used in Coherence Therapy (see my articles: Discovering the Unconscious Emotions at the Root of Your Problems and Experiential Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

The therapist gave Rick the following sentence stem for Rick to complete:

"If I could make the necessary changes to be happy in a relationship and in a career, then ________."

Initially, like most people, Rick's first few answers for filling in the blank were somewhat superficial ("...my life would be easier," "...I would feel better about myself," and so on.

But by the time he did it for the tenth time, he was shocked to hear himself say, "...then I would be afraid that something terrible would happen."

It took a few minutes before Rick could reflect on his words because he was so surprised.  But once he could think about it, he said this felt true to him--although he never realized he felt this way before.

As he and his therapist explored this issue, Rick realized that one of his unconscious core beliefs was that if he allowed himself to be happy, fate would intervene to spoil it for him and something terrible would happen (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?)

He didn't have any idea what that "something terrible" would be, but it was a strong feeling that he felt in his chest and in his stomach (see my article: Are You Afraid to Allow Yourself to Be Happy?).

As his therapist listened to his family history, she and Rick discovered the roots to this underlying belief.

Rick talked about how unhappy his parents were, especially his father, who had many unresolved early traumatic experiences.

From the time that Rick was a young child, his father told him that Rick had to remain ever vigilant for the "fickle finger of fate," especially if things were going well and he was happy.

His father had many early losses, including the loss of both parents in a car accident, when he was a small boy.

From his father's perspective, the accident (and other family tragedies) occurred because things were going too well in the family, and fate came along to teach them a lesson.

His father saw each loss and downturn as the direct result of "fate" when things were going well, so that, from his perspective, no one could ever let down their guard, especially when they were feeling happy.

Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action"

His father told Rick from an early age, "If you learn to expect terrible things when you're happy, you'll be prepared and you won't be taken off guard."

Rick's father's belief were so detrimental to Rick that he feared being happy, which was the obstacle in his way to making changes (see my article: Freeing Yourself From Family Beliefs and Expectations That Are Harmful to You).

It was Rick's unconscious belief that as long as he was in an unhappy marriage and in a career that he hated, "fate" wouldn't be tempted to devastate him.

After he said these words out loud, Rick realized how unrealistic it sounded but, deep down, he also knew that he had come to believe this at an early age.

After his therapist helped Rick to discover this unconscious belief, it made sense to both of them why he remained stuck.  Given his belief, why would he want to "tempt fate" to bring him pain?

As he continued to work in therapy, Rick explored the many times when he was happy in the past and when he wasn't "punished by fate" for it, so he started to understand the fallacy in his unconscious belief.

Over time, his therapist encouraged Rick to begin to explore other career options that might interest him.  Initially, he set up informational interviews, and then he talked about his experiences in therapy.

After one of these interviews, Rick got a call from someone, who met with him for an informational interview, telling Rick about an opening in the company.  This manager had been so impressed with Rick's background that he asked Rick to apply for the job.

When Rick told his therapist about it, he was excited about the possibility.  As she listened to him speak, his therapist asked him to check in with himself to see if he was feeling his old fear that if he allowed himself to be happy that "something terrible would happen" to end my happiness.

Rick reflected on this for a moment, and he was surprised that he didn't feel this old feeling.

As Rick took each step in the process towards changing his career, he would check in with himself to see if his old core belief was getting in his way, and each time he was surprised that it wasn't.

As it turned out, Rick didn't get that job, but he now felt free to explore other options and take the necessary steps to make changes.

The other problem, his marriage, was more complicated because Rick wasn't sure how he felt about his wife.

After talking it over with his wife, they went for marriage counseling and, after a few sessions, they mutually agreed that the relationship had been over for several years and that neither of them were happy.

Soon after that, they spoke to their marriage counselor about how they could end their marriage in a way that was amicable and respectful.

Rick got his own apartment nearby and they began the divorce process.

Even though Rick knew that he wasn't happy in his marriage and the divorce was for best for both of them, he still felt sad about the ending of this long relationship, and he dealt with his grief about it in his own individual therapy.

A year later, Rick wondered if he should start dating, but he had not been on a date in many years, and he felt uncomfortable.

As they explored this issue, Rick checked in with himself again to see if his old core belief was lurking in the background and tripping him up.  But he had no sense of this.

After they had talked about dating for a few sessions, Rick's therapist encouraged him to start taking steps, no matter how small, to start dating.

Rick would have preferred to continue talking about dating rather than taking any action, but his therapist told him that he could do both.  He could start taking steps to date and they could continue to talk about each step.

In this way, step by step, Rick began dating and he developed increasing confidence in the dating process, even though he had not met anyone that he really liked yet.

In a therapy session where he and his therapist looked back at where Rick started and where he was at that point, Rick expressed a sense of empowerment that he was able to take steps to overcome the obstacles that were preventing him from making changes in his life.

Conclusion
Old stereotypes contribute to the common myth that therapy is "all talk and no action."

Contemporary psychotherapy is a combination of self discovery which leads to taking meaningful action to change.

In the fictionalized scenario above, there is a particular longstanding core belief from early childhood that got in the way of the client making changes.

There are many other types of obstacles, conscious and unconscious, that get in the way of people making changes.

Once these obstacles are discovered, they can be worked with in therapy so that clients can free themselves of their effect.

It's important for the therapist to encourage clients to take action, no matter how small, and not to just talk about the problem.

This requires a clinician who has the clinical skills to know when to push the limits and when to hold off and, of course, this will be different with every client.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been avoiding therapy because you believe in the old myth that therapy is just about talking and not taking action, you're doing yourself a disservice.

Rather than telling yourself that you've tried to change in the past, but you can't do it, recognize that there are obstacles that you haven't discovered yet but that you can discover with the right therapist.

You might be surprised, as the client in the scenario above, to discover that there are unconscious beliefs that are holding you back.

Very often, once these unconscious beliefs have been exposed to the light of day, they don't hold up.

If you've been feeling stuck, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to bring about the changes that you want.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck in Your Life?

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I often see clients who have core beliefs about themselves and about life that keep them stuck in their lives. Many times these are unconscious beliefs that they don't even realize they have until they begin psychotherapy and we begin to explore why they're not where they want to be in their lives.

Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?

One such common belief that often keeps people feeling stuck or trapped in habitual ways of responding to life is "I have to put other people's needs first." 

This is the type of underlying belief or attitude that often goes unrecognized until people come to therapy.

The following vignette, which is a fictionalized composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how underlying core beliefs about can keep you feeling stuck in your life:

Mary:

When Mary first started coming to therapy, she felt frustrated and discouraged about her life. At age 35, she wasn't where she hoped to be in her life. Having completed graduate school more than 10 years before, she hoped to be further along in her career. Instead, she was stuck in a low-level supervisory job while she watched her peers get promotions throughout the years to senior managerial positions. She knew she was just as capable as they were, but she remained stuck in the same job while their careers were taking off.

In her personal life, she had hoped to be married with a couple of children by the time she was in her 30s, but she kept having one unfulfilling relationship after another. At the point when she started therapy, she wasn't in a relationship, and she felt discouraged about the prospect of getting married.

As we began to explore Mary's underlying beliefs and attitudes, it became apparent that one of Mary's beliefs was that she had to put other people's needs before her own. Raised in a devoutly religious home, Mary was taught that putting your own needs first was self and wrong. Without realizing it, she learned to sacrifice her own emotional needs so she could please others. This belief showed up over and over with family members, friends, colleagues, and especially in romantic relationships. She never learned to say, "No" when almost anything was asked of her. It was mo wonder she was exhausted and felt stuck.

At work, she often gave her colleagues and bosses ideas that they presented as their own without giving Mary credit for them. She thought of this as just helping them out without realizing that she was sacrificing her chances for recognition. It was such an ingrained pattern that, at first, Mary didn't see it.

In her personal relationships with friends and men she dated, she was always too ready to put her other people's emotional needs before her own. If there was any type of conflict, she would be the first to apologize and take the blame for the problem. She was barely aware of her own needs, and people frequently took advantage of her. Even when she did recognize that the other person was being unkind or selfish, due to her attitude that other people's needs must come first, she pushed down these feelings. It was more important for her to see herself as being "a good person" by taking care of others than taking care of herself.

As we continued to work together, Mary developed an increasing self awareness as to how she would sabotage herself in her personal and work-related relationships. At first, she was confused about what to do about it. Her belief that she was "a good person" was very much tied in with gratifying others and neglecting herself. It took a lot of work in therapy, even after she became aware that her lifelong belief was keeping her trapped in her life, for her to change. She had to learn that she could still be "a good person" and put her own needs first. Then, even more difficult, she had to learn to put this into practice.

Ingrained beliefs and attitudes about yourself and how you "should" be in the world can be difficult to change. It often forces you to question and challenge long-held beliefs and family traditions. Your loved ones, who are accustomed to your behaving in a certain way, might not like these changes. It can be an uphill battle within yourself and with others.

What motivated Mary to change is that we clearly defined where she wanted to be in her personal life and in her career. With clearly defined goals as her guide, she was able to start looking at and letting go of beliefs and attitudes that were keeping her from achieving her goals. She started by learning to say "No" to unreasonable requests from friends and family members. Progress with this type of change is rarely linear. So, it was to be expected that there would be some back sliding along the way. But, overall, Mary made progress. She was amazed, at first, at how much more energy she had when she wasn't saying "Yes" to everyone's needs.

At work, Mary began putting her ideas in writing to her bosses rather than giving them away to colleagues or allowing others to take credit for them. She was an intelligent and creative thinker. Over time, she began to get the recognition she deserved, and she was soon promoted.

With regard to her romantic life, as she began to feel she was more deserving, she also began to make better choices in men. Whereas she used to choose men who tended to be selfish and narcissistic, she now chose men who were more empathetic to her needs. After a year or so, she met the man who would become her husband and the father of her child. She was still challenged from time to time, especially when it came to balancing her needs with her family's needs but, overall, she made a lot of progress in this area.

Looking at how your core beliefs might be keeping you feeling stuck and trapped in your life isn't easy. Letting go of beliefs and changing your attitude is even more challenging. But if you want to live a more fulfilling life, being willing to change is vital.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy to individuals and couples, including dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Spirituality: Are You Contemplating Your Faith-of-Origin in a New Light?

For many adults, especially during times of crisis, there comes a time when they contemplate their faith-of-origin in a new light. 

This often occurs after decades of having bitterly rejected a belief system from childhood. It's not unusual for people who are reevaluating their faith-of-origin to be surprised and confused that they're even considering returning to their childhood religion, not realizing that this is a common experience for many people at certain stages in their lives. 

What's even more surprising for some people is that their childhood faith still resonates for them emotionally on some level.

How does this happen?  Well, as you can imagine, this process is different for everyone. However, it often occurs during major life transitions or during difficult times. 

Are You Contemplating Your Faith-of-Origin in a New Light?

For some people, it can occur because they feel adrift in life without a spiritual anchor. It may be that there were aspects of their childhood religion that they miss. At a younger age, they might not have had the ability to overcome the challenge of holding onto what they liked and rejecting what didn't resonate. They took an all-or-nothing attitude. But now, either due to an emotional crisis, a life transition or a longing to feel a deeper spiritual connection, they're willing to revisit these issues with an open mind.

For many people growing up as children where they had no choice about participating in the family religion, rejecting their faith-of-origin was part of becoming independent from their families. This rejection was part of becoming an adult who could make his or her own choices in life. It was part of declaring themselves as autonomous individuals. 

As young adults, they might have felt that they closed the door on their faith-of-origin, never to be opened again. And yet, as an older adult, when they feel secure in their independence, there's no longer a need to take such an absolute stand, and they're usually surprised to realize that they're missing parts or all of their former religion. What once seemed to have no meaning to them now seems to hold some significance after all.

Contemplating your faith-of-origin can be a challenging process with many confusing feelings. It can challenge your sense of self and long held beliefs. It can also be a time of feeling newly inspired. It all depends on how you approach this process. With patience, empathy for yourself and a healthy sense of curiosity, it can be a time when time of spiritual and emotional renewal.

It's often comforting to know that many people, especially during middle age or later, go through this reevaluation process about their childhood religion. 

If you're willing to spend time contemplating what still remains true for you, what you want to keep from your faith-of-origin, and what you might want to let go of, you may find a lost part of yourself. You might discover that your childhood belief system is still intact in some form. 

You might find yourself reconsidering childhood beliefs in a new light with a more nuanced adult understanding. For many people, this gives new meaning to their lives and helps them to feel more emotionally integrated.

Spirituality is an important part of many people's lives. Whether they're reclaiming their faith-of-origin on their own terms now or they're exploring new beliefs, it can be an emotionally rewarding time if you can be compassionate with yourself, tolerate the uncertainties that are often inherent in the process, and allow this process to unfold in a way that's right for you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services to individual adults and couples, including talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have helped many clients to explore and reconcile their spiritual beliefs in a way that are meaningful to them.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.