Assertiveness: Learning to Say "No"

Do you often find yourself in situations where you said "Yes" where you wish you had said "No"?

Do you feel you would be "rude" or "unkind" if you turned down other people's requests?

Are you able to say "No" in certain situations, but then feel you have to apologize or say something like, "I hope that's okay" because you're afraid that people won't like you if you say "No"?

Assertiveness: Learning to Say "No"

Do you avoid taking calls from certain friends or family members when you know they're calling to ask a favor of you that you know you either can't or don't want to do?

Do you agree to do certain things for people and then seethe silently with anger and resentment?

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, more than likely, you're having problems asserting yourself enough to be able to say "No."

Many people have problems saying "No." They feel uncomfortable and think it would be either too hurtful to the other person or they worry that if they say "No," they'll be seen as mean or uncaring. They often lack the self confidence to feel they are entitled to say "No." They will often go to great lengths to accommodate others to the detriment of their own health and well-being. Under certain circumstances, if they know that someone is about to ask them to do something that they really don't want to do, they might avoid that person, which causes other problems when that person feels ignored.

Although both men and women have this problem, it tends to come up more with women. Women are often raised to feel that they must accommodate others, no matter what the consequences are for themselves. In our society, women are also seen as the "nurturers," "caregivers," and encouraged to be "people pleasers," so there's often pressure to take care of other people's requests and problems.

Here are some typical examples of situations where people have problems asserting themselves enough to say "No." See if you can identify with any of them.

Scenario 1:
Mary is the second oldest adult child in a family of five children. She's also the oldest daughter. She and her brothers and sisters live about the same distance away from their aging parents. Whenever her parents need help, they call Mary. Whether it's a matter of taking them to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, helping them to set up their computer, whatever they need help with, they expect Mary to help them. Their way of thinking is that she's the oldest daughter and this is her role. Mary loves her parents very much, but she's often exhausted after a week of working full time and, as a single mom, taking care of her teenage children. She never turns down any of her parents' requests, but lately she's been feeling irritable and resentful whenever they call. She feels too guilty to say "No" or to ask her brothers and sisters to pitch in, so she seethes in anger instead. Lately, she's been having tension headaches, and during her last doctor's visit, her doctor warned her that her blood pressure was a little high and she needs to reduce her stress. She knows she needs to find a way to change the dynamic with her parents, but she doesn't know how.

Scenario 2:
Bob and Dan are colleagues in the same company. Over the years, they have become friends. Bob enjoys Dan's company and they and their wives often socialize on the weekends. Over the last few years, Dan has borrowed a few hundred dollars from Bob, but he hasn't paid him back. Initially, Dan was apologetic and said he would pay Bob back, but lately Dan has not mentioned the money at all. Bob is annoyed about this, but he tells himself that Dan has had several unexpected financial setbacks, so he doesn't want to ask him for the money. But Bob's wife recently lost her job and now they're trying to get by on just one salary until she can find a new job. Finances have been tight. They've had to cut back on certain expenses, like sending their daughter to the dance classes that she loved. Lately, Bob's wife has been pressuring him to ask Dan for the money he owes them. But Bob feels that if he asks Dan for the money, he wouldn't be a good friend. Then, one afternoon, Dan leaves Bob a familiar voicemail message at work, "I'm in a jam. I need to talk to you. Can we have lunch?" Bob recognizes the familiar words and tone as a sign that Dan wants to borrow more money. Rather than calling him back, Bob avoids Dan for the next few days because he doesn't know how he can say "No" to Dan's request, but he also knows that he can't afford to lend him any more money. So, he doesn't know what to do.

Scenario 3:
Nancy is a writer and she works from home. She loves her work and she has been getting more frequent and interesting assignments lately from her editor. Nancy knows this is a sign that her editor really likes her work and she is progressing in her career. She wants to continue to do well so she can get more of these types of projects. These interesting assignment also come with more stringent deadlines. She's disciplined about how she does her work at home and she has never missed a deadline yet. Her latest assignment has been the most exciting one so far. She knows it will be a challenge to get the piece to her editor on time, but she thinks she can do it if she stays focused. However, the problem lately is that she has an elderly next door neighbor who lives alone and who is lonely. She likes to "drop by" Nancy's apartment to chat. Nancy likes her neighbor very much and also feels sorry for her because her children never come to visit her. Sometimes, when she's coming up against a deadline, Nancy feels irritated when her neighbor rings her bell. Most of the time, Nancy lets her in and hopes that she won't stay too long. But lately, the elderly neighbor's visits have really been interfering with Nancy's work and she's afraid that she's going to miss her deadline for this new project. She doesn't want to hurt the neighbor's feelings, but she can't miss her deadline. She doesn't know what to do.

Scenario 4:
Alice has a stressful full time job. She and her husband are also raising three young children who are in elementary school. Alice is also involved in the PTA and other local community groups. Lately, several colleagues have been laid off at work, so Alice has been asked to take on additional work assignments. By the end of the day, after helping her children with their homework and putting them to bed, she's exhausted. Now that Alice is working longer hours, her husband has taken on additional household duties, including cooking, picking up the children from school, doing the laundry and grocery shopping. They have a good marriage, and he has always shared in household responsibilities. He's also working extra hours at work due to company cutbacks. So, they're both stretched to the max. One day, Alice receives a call from the PTA president, who tells Alice that she found out the school will be cutting out several after school activities. These are activities that parents and children have come to rely on. The PTA president is worried and upset about this. She has received numerous calls from parents who don't know what they'll do if these programs are cut. She tells Alice that, in addition to what Alice normally does for the PTA, she needs extra help over the next four weekends from Alice for a fund raising event so they can raise the money to save these programs. Inwardly, Alice cringes because she doesn't know where she'll find the time, but she's caught off guard and she says "Yes." After Alice hangs up the phone, she feels annoyed with herself for taking on this extra work. She also doesn't know how she'll tell her husband, who would have to take on even more responsibilities over the next few weekends because of this new commitment that she has made to the PTA president. She doesn't know what to do.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you or can you see yourself in similar predicaments? Can you think of other ways that each of these people can handle their situations where they don't have to compromise themselves or those close to them and where they can tactfully say "No"?

Fortunately, saying"No" in a tactful way is a skill that can be learned. If you have problems asserting yourself in similar situations, there are certain things that you can do to learn to be more assertive:

Talk to a trusted friend and ask him or her to do role plays with you where you can practice standing up for yourself. As a start, you can use the scenarios presented above and also come up with some of your own that are relevant to your life.

So, for instance in Scenario 1, you can practice how you can speak to your brothers and sisters to ask them to share in the responsibilities of helping your parents. You can also practice with your friend how you would talk to your parents to tell them that, while you want to help out, you can't always be available and explain the reasons why.

In Scenario 2, you can practice telling your friend and colleague, Dan, that while you empathize with his financial problems, you're also having financial problems. So, you can't lend him any more money and you and he need to work out a payment plan for the money that he currently owes you.

In Scenario 3, you can practice talking to your friend as if she were the elderly neighbor and tell her that, while you enjoy her company, there are times when you can't socialize with her because you have work deadlines that must be met. Suggest other times when you can get together to chat.

In Scenario 4, you can practice taking the time to think about what you'd say to the PTA president before automatically saying "Yes" and then regretting it. Since the person in this scenario was caught off guard, you can practice a certain technique that will give you time to think when you're caught off guard. This technique is restating the president's request in a tactful way ("So, let me make sure I understand what you're asking: You're asking me if I can spend about five hours each weekend working on the fund raiser? Is that right?") This gives you time to think of a tactful answer. After your friend, in the role as PTA president, restates her request, you can practice telling her that you can't help out this time because you're already over extended at home and at work. You can also practice stating what you can and can't do. You can also practice from the standpoint of having said "Yes" initially and then calling back the same day and telling her that you've thought about it and regret that you can't do it. This not an ideal way to handle this type of situation. Most of us like to honor our commitments most of the time. We feel that once we've committed ourselves that we want to be true to our word. While I'm not advocating that you go back on your word on a regular basis, there might be certain times when you realize that it's going to be impossible for you to fulfill your commitment. Of course, it would have been better not to have made the commitment at all. But sometimes we make mistakes and we have to learn, when the circumstances are not dire, how to handle these types of situations without feeling completely stuck.

Practice asserting yourself by saying "No" in real life situations that are not so emotionally charged for you.

For instance, if you normally accept every leaflet that people are handing out in your neighborhood, whether you're interested or not, because you feel sorry for the person giving out the leaflets, practice saying "No thanks" in a tactful way. Or if you have a hard time getting telemarketers off the phone, practice saying "Thank you, but I'm really not interested. I would appreciate if you would take me off your list."

Practice writing down in advance what you want to say before you say it.

So, if you have to call a friend to turn down her request, write down what you want to say to her. Of course, you're not going to read it to her, but it's helpful to have the words in front of you if you begin to stumble on the phone.

If you still have a hard time asserting yourself so you can say "No" or you have difficulty setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life, there might be other underlying emotional issues that practicing might not resolve. In that case, you could benefit from dealing with these issues in psychotherapy.

If you have a hard time asserting yourself, you're not alone. This is a common problem that many people have. It's important for you to know that you don't need to suffer in silence. And, remember that there's a big difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Being Assertive
Being assertive and standing up for yourself doesn't mean you're being aggressive. And, you can learn to develop the self confidence to become more assertive.

About Me

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to learn to assert themselves in healthy ways.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes One Step at at Time

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." said the Chinese sage, Lao-tzu.

Making Changes One Step at a Time

One of the major obstacles for people who want to make major changes in their lives, but who don't, is that they think about everything that they would need to do to make the change and they become overwhelmed and discouraged before they even start.

Change is a Process
While it's important to know the process and the steps that we need to take to make changes in our lives, often, if we focus on the entire process at once, it can seem too daunting to accomplish. For major transitions that might take months or even years, it's usually so much more beneficial to think about the change in terms of incremental steps. 

Breaking down a major transition into a step-by-step process is a lot less stressful than focusing on everything at once from beginning to end. Focusing on one step at a time also provides us with markers along the way where we can see progress. Usually, seeing incremental progress along the way gives us the incentive to keep going to the next step.

For example, as a psychotherapist, I've seen many clients who have considered either going back to college or graduate school to complete their degrees, often after having been out of college for many years. 

For most of these clients, furthering their education would mean maintaining a full time job and taking classes at night, which is no easy task. For most of them, the usual reaction to considering such an endeavor is something along the lines of, "I would love to go to graduate school and get my Masters degree. It would really open doors for me in my career. But when I think about working full time and taking classes at night, I feel too overwhelmed."

I empathize with these feelings because I attended most of my college classes at night while maintaining a full time job. I also worked full time while getting my graduate degree and postgraduate training. Anyone who has ever worked and taken classes at night knows that it can be challenging on so many levels. 

However, the long-term rewards can be tremendous. The other comment that clients often make in this type of situation is, "But I'll be 45 by the time I complete my degree in three years" to which I usually respond, "But you'll be 45 any way in three years, either with or without your degree."

In the above example, what if instead of focusing all at once on the three years of working full time and going to classes at night, the client were to break down the process into manageable steps? So the steps might be: get the college brochure, find out what would be required, enroll in one class and see how that goes, etc. At each step along the way, there is a decision point as to whether or not to continue.

Making Changes: Along the Way You Have Choices
It's important to realize that at any step along the way you can stop and decide whether to go to the next step. The alternative, feeling that once you start it will be like a runaway train that keeps going, does make it all seem too daunting. 

More importantly, it's not the reality of the situation and these feelings are often fueled by anxiety. For most people that I have helped with this issue and similar issues, they enjoy each step along the way, which encourages them to decide to take the next step. Then, before they realize it, time has passed, they've accomplished what they set out to do, they feel proud of themselves, and new opportunities become available to them.

The same principal would apply to changing certain habits or addictive behavior. As a hypnotherapist, I help clients to stop smoking. I also help clients with alcohol abuse, eating disorders, sexual addiction and other addictive behaviors. 

It's not unusual for clients to tell me, "When I think about not drinking for the rest of my life, it's too overwhelming. I don't think I can do it" to which I often respond, "So, what if you didn't think of it like that? What if you took it one day [or one step] at a time? " For most people, it's such a relief not to have to focus that far ahead. Then, as days, weeks, months and years pass, they build a sense of competence in themselves. The cravings often subside and, over time, they usually realize that they're able to do it, day by day.

Are There Changes You Would Like to Make?
Are there changes that you'd like to make in your life, but you feel too overwhelmed to even start? If so, you could benefit from working with a psychotherapist who is able to help you to break down your goals into manageable steps and provide you with the tools you need to succeed.

About Me
I'm a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.   

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome obstacles that have kept them from accomplishing their goals.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer

The coming out process as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person is a very individual process. There is no one right way or particular age to come out. For many people, it's a challenging process that can take years and for others it's an exhilarating process that frees them to be who they are naturally without having to pretend to be heterosexual.

Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer

Some people say that they knew that they were gay from the time they were children or teens. Many others say that they dated the opposite sex for a while, had satisfying romantic relationships as mature adults, and even got married and had children before they realized that they were gay, lesbian or bisexual.

There seems to be a misperception that most gay, lesbian and bisexual people come out in their teens. While this is true for some people, it doesn't appear to be the case for the vast majority.

Another misperception is that once a person comes out, it's a linear process that ends with that initial coming out. But, in reality, for most people, the coming out process is a life long process that changes over time as they accept their own identity, come out to friends and family, meet new people, start new jobs, and encounter new situations.

For most gay or bisexual people, new people who meet them will assume that they're heterosexual. So, each time it's a matter of choosing whether or not to come out with new people and in new situations. This is very different from being heterosexual where you don't have to think about this or explain your sexual orientation. The other possibility is that a person might come out and then go back and forth, in and out of the "closet" a few times before acknowledging (or not) his or her sexual orientation.

Usually, the coming out process starts with coming out to yourself. If you're fortunate enough to know other lesbian, gay or bisexual people or if you live in a large city where there are resources, you can usually find supportive people to talk to that won't have a negative reaction. (I've listed some resources below for people in the NYC area as well as a national hotline, if you live in other areas.) I

If you don't know anyone and you live in an area where there are either limited or no resources, it might be a matter of calling an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) hotline to talk. It's important to know that you're not alone. There are many other people who have gone through this same process and are continuing to go through this process. And it's important not to isolate. Finding support and places to socialize in your area can be affirming to your identity and emotional well-being.

The next challenge is usually coming out to family and friends. It's easier to come out to supportive family and friends first before considering coming out to others who might not be as supportive. Of course, this is always a judgement call and you might be surprised, for better or worse, how people react.

It's important to realize, too, that if coming out is a process for you, it might also be a process for your family and friends to see you in a new way. They might need time to understand what this means to you and to your relationship with them.

Coming out on the job can present a particular challenge for many people. Even if you live in a city like New York, where there are laws against discrimination based on sexual orientation, it doesn't mean that you won't be discriminated against, sometimes in subtle ways, or that your employer will feel comfortable with your sexual orientation. Your employer should only be taking into consideration your work performance, but the law doesn't control people's personal likes or dislikes. And actually proving discrimination, of any kind, can be difficult.

If you're in a relationship, there's the question of how to talk about your partner or how comfortable you feel inviting your partner to company events. Again, this is another choice and what you decide can have repercussions for your relationship. Some people have the attitude that they're out to everyone and they feel this makes their life easier because they don't want to have to think about it all the time in each situation. As previously mentioned, other people choose when and where to be out.

Coming out is a complex issue and one post cannot possibly cover all the topics involved. I've touched on some of the main coming out issues. If you need further assistance, please see the resource list that I've provided towards the end of this post.

If you're gay or bisexual and you're thinking about seeing a psychotherapist, whether it's specifically for coming out issues or not, it's important to find a therapist who is gay affirmative and has experience working with gay, lesbian and bisexual clients.

If you're not sure, you can ask. You don't want to see a therapist who has an agenda to "change" your sexual orientation or who views being gay or bisexual as a disorder. Even though the American Psychological Association removed homosexuality from their list of mental health disorders more than 25 years ago, there are still a minority of therapists who either don't understand or, for their own reasons, continue to see homosexuality as a psychological disorder.

Some people want to know if their psychotherapist is gay or bisexual and others don't want to know anything about their therapists. Usually, therapists don't divulge a lot about themselves because the therapy is supposed to be focused on you and not them, but if it's important for you to have a therapist that you know is either gay or bisexual, ask prospective therapists that you meet for consultations.

Hopefully, your coming out process will be a happy and meaningful experience. But if you need help, don't be afraid to ask.

The following is a resource list primarily for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered individuals as well as a national organization called PFLAG for families and friends.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Resources:

In NYC:

The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Center: http://www.gaycenter.org/

Identity House: http://www.identityhouse.org/

Gay Men's Health Crisis: http://www.gmhc.org/

Audre Lorde Project: http://www.alp.org/

Senior Action in a Gay Environment (SAGE): http://www.sageusa.org/

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG): http://www.pflag.org/

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals and couples, including people who are going through the coming out process.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or send email me.

September 11, 2001

Today is the eighth anniversary of the September 11th World Trade Center attack. For most of us, especially those of us who live in NYC, it's a time to remember where we were that day and to reflect on the many lives that were lost and the people who survived and who are dealing with those losses.

On September 11, 2001, unlike today, it was a clear, sunny day. The sky was beautifully blue. I was in an office two blocks away from the World Trade Center's South Tower. I had arrived in my office at about 8:30 AM and was at my desk when I heard and felt a loud booming noise that sounded like a construction accident. A couple of colleagues came by and we turned on the radio to find out what might have happened. But there was no news during those first few minutes. Then, we saw tons of paper mysteriously floating in the air outside our windows. Eventually, the news about the plane crashing into one of the towers came over the airwaves, but there was still no news about a terrorist attack. Then, there was the second plane crash and a call from building management to evacuate the building.

I'm aware of how lucky I was that day to get out of the building safely and, eventually, get home. I'm also aware that I was fortunate not to have lost anyone at the World Trade Center that day. A week or so later, I listened to many accounts from clients who were not as lucky as I was and who lost husbands, wives, family members, and coworkers in the towers that day.

My heartfelt wish for healing and peace goes out to all families and friends who lost someone on September 11, 2001. My thoughts are with you.

Developing Internal Motivation to Change

Making changes in our lives, even when it comes from an internal sense that we need to make a change,  can be challenging enough. But when the call for change comes from our partners, families, friends, employers, or all of the above, it can be very difficult to hear what they have to say and find the internal motivation to change, especially when we might not see the need to change.

Developing Internal Motivation to Change

Being Open to Hearing What Others Have to  Say
Being able to stay open, listen and really hear what we're being told, and consider the possibility that, perhaps, there is some kernel of truth to what others are telling us can be hard. It's much easier to become defensive and dismiss what others are saying. After all, it can be hurtful to hear that our partner or a family member isn't satisfied with something about us. But after the initial reaction of surprise, hurt or anger, can we take the time to consider that, most of the time, the people who are confronting us with the need to change are people who care about us and that it's usually not easy for them to tell us things that they know we don't want to hear? That doesn't mean that they're automatically right, but can we take the time and make the effort to think about what they're saying and see if it resonates with us in some way?

External Motivation in Seeking Therapy
As a psychotherapist, it's not unusual for me to get calls from prospective clients who say, "I'm calling because my wife says I'm too irritable" or "I'm calling because my family did an intervention last week and told me that I have a drinking problem" or "I'm calling because my boss said, 'Either get help with your anger management problem or you'll be terminated" or "I'm calling because my boyfriend, my mother, my father and my sisters have all told me that they're worried that I'm a compulsive overspender, but I don't think I have a problem. "

Developing Internal Motivation to Change in Therapy

At the point when these prospective clients are calling, they're often not sure they need to change. Sometimes they're angry. Sometimes they're attempting to comply with what's being asked of them but they feel that it's not their problem--it's the other people's problem. Or they're hoping to come for one session so I can tell them that they don't have a problem and they can go back to family or friends with that information. And, of course, there are times when it's apparent that this person doesn't need to be in therapy and only comes in for a few sessions.

Developing Internal Motivation to Change in Therapy

When there seems to be some truth to what others are telling a client, I try to help the client to put aside the initial resentment or anger and develop the ability to look into his or her own internal world to see if, maybe, deep down, he or she has some awareness that there is a problem. It might start out as a small and vague sense of awareness, which is fine because most change is a process and it takes place over time. As this awareness develops and grows, the next step is usually some form of acceptance and ownership for the presenting problem, aside from what others may or may not be saying. This step takes courage. And, as you might expect, this isn't a linear process and people often go back and forth in their process between acceptance and denial.

Finding the internal sense of motivation to change when the call for change comes from the outside and it's in an area where we might have a "blind spot" about ourselves can be a daunting process for some people. And, yet, for other people, it can be very liberating to finally admit that there's a problem and feel good about taking steps to change it. They feel that they've had a breakthrough and now they can open up, let go of their denial and free themselves of traits or habits that have been holding them back, often, for many years.

About Me

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples. 

I have worked with many clients who, initially, start with only external motivation and learn to develop their own internal sense of motivation to change.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

The Power of Starting the Day with a Positive Intention

How you start each morning often sets the tone for the rest of your day. Starting the day with a particular intention that is meaningful to you is a powerful way to begin your day.

The Power of Starting Your Day With a Positive Intention

What is Meaningful to You?
Your intention can be whatever is meaningful to you--having a peaceful day, opening up to new possibilities, feeling more confident, improving an aspect of your relationship, developing your intuition, enhancing your creativity or taking a step towards realizing one of your goals.

Often, people have only a vague sense about their intentions. They might need inspiration to help them get clear about what they want.

Starting the day by reading an inspirational passage in a book, reading poetry, listening to music, meditating, praying, taking a yoga class, exercising, or taking a walk can help to inspire you to set an intention for your day.

Writing down your intention can also help to define and clarify your intention.

Find Ways to Act Upon Your Intention
As you go through your day, think about your intention and find ways to act upon it. So, for instance, if your intention for the day is to bring more serenity into your life, ask yourself what you can do to make that happen on this day.

If this is your intention, can you take a few minutes at lunch time to close your eyes and pay attention to your breathing? Can you pay attention to the quality of your interactions with others and ask yourself if you're communicating in a way that creates the serenity that you want in your relationships?

Reflect Upon Your Intention At the End of the Day
It's also helpful at the end of the day to reflect on your intention and ask yourself if you were able to manifest what you wanted. If you did, that's great. And if you didn't, rather than berate yourself, think about what you might have done without judging yourself harshly.

Having a sense of meaning and purpose in your life can enhance your sense of self and help improve your relationships. Starting each day with an intention that is important to you can help you to achieve your goals, feel more empowered, and improve your overall sense of well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have assisted many clients to discover their intentions and develop more meaningful lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

There is a common misconception about psychotherapy that it's all about coming to complain about your problems, blaming everything on your parents, and that's where it ends. However, in reality, when you begin psychotherapy, looking at your relationship with your parents, if it's relevant to your problems, is only the beginning of trying to understand the origin of the problems. It's not the end by any means.

Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

Emotional Reconciliation with Your Parents

At some point, as an adult, especially if you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, you might face the possibility of reconciling certain aspects of your relationship with your parents. 

Depending upon your particular circumstances, this might be a question of direct reconciliation with one or both of your parents. Under certain circumstances, if they're too impaired physically or emotionally or if they're no longer alive, or if it would be emotionally detrimental to you or to them, it might be a matter of your own internal emotional reconciliation. By this, I mean you own emotional coming to terms with these issues so that you can heal and be at peace with yourself.

Only You Can Decide if Reconciliation is Right For You
I realize that this is not an easy topic for some people, and it often elicits uncomfortable responses, especially for people who are in the throes of a difficult time with their parents. So, it's important to understand that only you can decide what works best for you given your particular history and under your particular circumstances.

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many middle-aged clients who are struggling to come to terms with their relationships with their parents. 

For clients who are in their 40s and older, this might mean that they had difficult relationships with one or both parents when they were younger and now their parents are old and frail and need their help. 

When their parents were younger and independent, there might have been an emotional estrangement between them and their parents. And there can be so many reasons for this estrangement. Maybe their parents were emotionally or physically abusive when they were growing up. Maybe their parents were emotionally neglectful. Maybe there was some other form of betrayal or trauma.

Whatever the reason for the ongoing resentment or estrangement, after many years, you might find yourself facing an emotional dilemma. If your parents are still alive and elderly, one or both of them might need help. 

Maybe you've received a call from your siblings that your parents are not well or that your siblings can no longer take care of your parents on their own and need your help. Or, maybe you're the one who has assumed the brunt of the responsibility for your parents and feel overwhelmed physically and emotionally, especially if you're still harboring resentments towards them and you need help. Or, maybe your parents are dead and you were unable to have any type of reconciliation with them before they died. You might feel that, since they're gone, it's no longer possible to reconcile your feelings. But, when you're ready, there are ways in psychotherapy to work through, reconcile your feelings and let go of longstanding anger, hurt and resentment.

Reconciliation Can Be Healing For You
The important thing to understand is that, in many cases, you're doing this mostly for yourself. If your parents are still alive and healthy enough, and it's possible to have a mutual reconciliation that brings peace to you as well as to them and you can do this without compromising your own or their well-being, so much the better. 

I've heard from so many clients that when they see their parents now as elderly and frail people, it's hard to believe that these were the same parents who were abusive or neglectful. In reality, they might have changed and you might have changed a lot over the years, and maybe you and they are no longer the same people that you once were.

I realize that the emphasis of this post has been focused on dealing with parents who might have been abusive or neglectful. But I also realize that it's not always one way--it's possible that you might feel the need to make amends with your parents for things you might have said or done. This can also be challenging but, if it's possible to do without emotional harm to yourself or to them, can be so freeing.

Reconciliation Might Be Your Own Internal Work
Like any type of working through, forgiving, and letting go, whether you come to terms directly with your parents or you do your own internal emotional work about it without involving your parents, you'd be doing this mostly for your own peace of mind and well being.  For some people, it might do more harm than good to reconnect with one or both parents.  Then, the reconciliation is within yourself.

It might be difficult to imagine, but when you're ready, letting go of the burden of hurt, anger, and toxic resentment can be so freeing.

Getting Help in Therapy
EMDR and clinical hypnosis can be effective tools in dealing with these emotions and, when used by an experienced practitioner, they often work faster and more effectively than regular talk therapy.

About Me
I'm a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR. I've helped many clients find healing and peace with their parental relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?