Relationships: Are You and Your Spouse Constantly Arguing About Money?

Are you and your spouse constantly arguing about money? If you are, you're not alone. Arguments about money often bring couples into couples counseling when the couple can't find a way to compromise on their differences. It's one of the main reasons why people come to see a couples therapist. It's also one of the main causes of breakups and divorce.

Arguing About Money

What I'm referring to is not the occasional disagreement that many couples have from time to time about money. I'm talking about a pattern of ongoing arguments where there are fundamental differences in values and major differences in how each person relates to money.

People Often Don't Talk About Money Before They Get Married

Often, before people get married or enter into a committed relationship, they neglect talking about money and each of their particular views about it. It's very easy to get so caught up and swept away by romantic feelings that money issues might seem too mundane to talk about at that point. 

 For many people, talking about money is still somewhat taboo. So, both people enter into the marriage blissfully unaware that they might have completely different philosophies about money.

For instance, one person might be more of a saver while the other person is more of a spender. Until you live with someone and share bills, you might not really see certain patterns they have with spending or saving money. But once you're together, these issues start to come up pretty quickly with regard to both short-term and long-term money issues. 

 It's not unusual for a spouse to discover shortly after being married that his or her partner has a lot of credit card debt that was never mentioned before. There have been times when I've been amazed at the lengths that one spouse has gone to, even long into the marriage, to keep large debts a secret until they've become really out of control.

Money Can Take on Different Symbolic Meanings

Money often takes on different symbolic meanings for people. For many people, money is symbolic of self worth. The more money they have, the better they feel about themselves. 

 Conversely, having less money (either due to a job loss or other reversals in fortune) erodes their self esteem. To rely on how much money you have to determine how you feel about yourself is a very slippery slope. 

 When one or both people feel this way in a relationship, it becomes a big problem when they experience a financial downturn, and this often leads to arguments. Without strong internal resources, an over identification of money and self esteem is often a recipe for disaster.

Arguing About Money

For many couples, where one person relies on overspending to shore up an otherwise poor sense of self, hidden emotional insecurities (that were formerly kept out of conscious awareness by overspending money to feel good) come to the surface in unexpected ways when he or she can't continue overspending due to financial problems. When overspending money is no longer available as a quick fix habit to feel good, this often leads to arguments. The person who is overspending might not even realize that being unable to rely on this quick fix is causing him or her to feel irritable and unhappy.

In many couples, one or both people feel that when a spouse spends a lot of money on them, it's symbolic of how much they are loved. If they have to cut back on their spending, it feels like the spouse loves them less. Most of the time, these are unconscious feelings and they can be very powerful. At that point, the couple is challenged to find something more intrinsically meaningful in their relationship. Of course, this isn't such an all-or-nothing problem most of the time. It can be much more subtle than that. But it can still be a problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

When couples are unable to work out their differences about money, they often find it helpful to seek couples counseling. 

 A couples counselor won't provide you with financial advice, but he or she can help you to understand the emotional aspects of your problems and how to negotiate and compromise about money issues. A skilled couples counselor can also help you to see the underlying emotional issues that might be fueling your problems.

I've only touched the surface in this blog post with regard to all the different problems couples often have around money. The important thing to realize is that arguments about money, although unpleasant, are not unusual, and many couples are helped in couples counseling to overcome these problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

 I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma with Somatic Experiencing Therapy

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who are seeking help to overcome emotional trauma. Many of these clients have already tried conventional talk therapy, but they've experienced little if any relief from that treatment, and they're interested in experiencing a mind-body oriented psychotherapy, like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR or clinical hypnosis.

Overcoming Emotional Trauma With Somatic Experiencing

Emotional Trauma is Stored in the Body
Conventional talk therapy often helps clients to become intellectually insightful about their trauma. However, in many cases, it doesn't help clients to heal from the trauma, which is why I prefer using mind-body oriented treatment modalities, like Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis or EMDR, which I have found much more effective in helping clients to heal.

In prior blog posts, I've described Somatic Experiencing in detail, so I won't focus on that here. For anyone interested in finding out more basic information about Somatic Experiencing, I recommend Peter Levine's books, Waking the Tiger - Transforming Overwhelming Experiences and In an Unspoken Voice as well as the Somatic Experiencing website: Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute.

Feeling Cut Off from the Body Due to Emotional Trauma

In this blog post, I want to focus on a common problem that traumatized clients have when they begin treatment, which is feeling cut off or dissociated from their bodies. The degree to which a client might feel cut off varies. Some clients, depending upon the depth of the trauma, might feel significantly out of touch with sensory experiences in their bodies most of the time. Other clients might feel out of touch with sensory exeriences at times and with. only certain parts of their bodies.

Dissociation Can Go Unnoticed in Traditional Talk Therapy

Very often, in traditional talk therapy, this dissociation goes unnoticed, especially for very intellectualized clients who can talk intellectually about their problems with the therapist, but who might be emotionally and physically cut off from their trauma. If the therapist is not trained to notice what's happening physically in clients, this dissociation is often not apparent to them.

 A client can go through years of conventional therapy in this state, gain intellectual insight, but not still not overcome the trauma. At the conclusion of what the therapist perceives as a "success" therapy, the client is often left wondering why he or she still feels as traumatized at the end of treatment as he or she did at the beginning. Some clients end up blaming themselves for this, which could be a life long pattern due to a history of trauma.

Somatic Experiencing as a Gentle and Effective Therapy

So, if traumatized clients are often, to some degree, dissociated from their emotions and their bodies, you might wonder how they could participate in Somatic Experiencing.

The answer is that, initially, for clients who are significantly out of touch with their emotions and physical sensations, the Somatic Experiencing therapist helps them to start getting these experiences back "online." There are Somatic Experiencing techniques that gently and safely help clients to overcome their dissociation.

As an example, one technique that Somatic Experiencing therapists use is helping clients to become more aware of tension in their muscles.

 For people who are cut off from the sensory experiences of their bodies, they often don't realize how tense their muscles are. 

Their muscles have become like body armor without their even realizing it. Helping clients to learn how to relax their bodies is one way to begin the process of reacquainting them with their bodies and gradually bringing various parts of their bodies back "on line" again.

Often, the parts of the body that are dissociated are the parts that "hold" all or part of the emotional trauma. Somatic Experiencing is a gentle and safe way to help clients to reintegrate emotionally and physically.

 The Somatic Experiencing therapist is observing and tracking what's happening for the client on an emotional and physical level. Before any work is begun, the therapist ensures that the client has the internal emotional resources for doing the work. If not, the therapist works with the client to develop those skills.

My original training after graduate school was in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy. 

Early on, when clients with significant trauma came to me, I found that psychodynamic therapy had its shortcomings in helping clients overcome trauma, which is why trained in various mind-body oriented treatment modalities, like clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

 I still use psychodynamic psychotherapy with some clients, but I now use it in a much more dynamic and contemporary way.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are seeking to overcome trauma, you could benefit from attending treatment with a Somatic Experiencing (SE) therapist. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy services, including Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EMDR and contemporary talk therapy to individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Childhood Trauma that Affects Your Adult Relationships

Workplace: If You Want Your Employees to Treat Customers Well, Treat Your Employees Well

It seems it should just be common sense that, as a boss, if you want your employees to provide good customer service, you should model this behavior by treating your employees well. And, yet, many workplace managers just don't get it. There's a big disconnect between the behavior they model with employees and their expectations about how they want these same employees to treat customers.

If You Want Your Employees to Treat Your Customers Well, Treat Your Employees Well

As a psychotherapist, I hear from clients all the time about managers who are verbally abusive or who mistreat employees in other ways. These managers model bad behavior towards their employees, but they expect their employees to turn around and provide excellent customer service to customers.

When I refer to treating employees well, I'm not necessarily referring to giving employees big salary increases. Of course, it's always great to get a raise.

 But, based on what I hear from clients, money is important, but it's even more important to be treated, at the very least, with basic respect and common courtesy. This should be a no-brainer, but for many managers, it's not.

As a consumer, I often observe this phenomenon for myself in many different kinds of stores. You can often tell when you walk into a store (or any other workplace setting) whether employees are being treated well.

 Employees who are being treated well by management tend to be more open and helpful with customers. They often want to go the extra mile with customers. In those same work settings, there's usually an overall pleasant and professional environment.

In workplaces where employees are not being treated well by management, you can almost always feel it in your interactions with employees.

For instance, a cashier, who is belittled and demeaned by the boss, frequently doesn't make eye contact with customers. He often seems harried. The overall environment is usually tense and unpleasant. The owner might be ingratiating with customers, but if you observe his behavior with employees, it's often gruff and condescending. It's not unusual to see him standing over them and micro-managing their work.

As a customer, this is a very unpleasant experience. When I encounter this, I don't want to linger to browse--I want to get out of there as soon as possible.

I can remember times, years ago, when I was a human resources manager, when employees in these types of workplaces would offer me their resumes when the boss wasn't around.

They would tell me how unhappy they were, and they'd asked me if I had any openings or if I knew of anyone who had job openings. My heart went out to them, but I didn't have jobs to offer them.

Aside from how indicative this is of poor employee morale, what does this say about management? My sense was that these employees' supervisors, who weren't treating employees well, were also not being treated well by their managers.

There's an old Italian saying, which my grandmother used to say in situations like this, "The fish rots from the head down." Often what you observe on the lower echelons of management, with some exceptions, you will find on the upper end as well.

I realize this is a generalization, but poor management often cascades from the top, especially where mistreating employees is tolerated. In well-run organizations, managers who don't know how to maintain good employee relations with the staff are let go.

Well-run organizations don't tolerate a manager's bad behavior towards employees, if they know about it. And if they don't know about it, they should.

 In a well-run organization, top management knows that how they treat their employees will affect the bottom line. They don't have to be altruists to know that reasonably satisfied employees usually reflect their satisfaction in their work and interactions with customers. It just makes good business sense.

When I was in my 20s, I worked for an exceptional manager who took an interest in the career goals of each person who worked for him. We were part of a hospital, which gave the same across the board salary increases based on whatever unionized employees received, even though we were not unionized employees in this department.

So, other than getting a promotion, which I did over time, this manager couldn't reward us with extra money. But, he knew that treating employees well in other ways would, most likely, boost morale and ensure that we would provide good service to our "customers" (other departments within the hospital). He was an unusually creative manager and he found ways to incorporate tasks that were of interest to his employees.

For instance, if an employee was interested in improving her public speaking skills, he would give her the task of doing a small presentation during the staff meeting.

Needless to say, the overall work environment was very good, and this manager's boss was also a supportive individual who encouraged growth and development from the people who reported to him. This engendered loyalty and hard work among employees.

In some companies, where there are 360 performance evaluations (where managers rate employees, employees rate their managers, and peers rate each other), managers are usually more aware of how they treat employees because they don't want poor evaluations.

Anecdotally, I know of managers, who were in companies where they do 360 evaluations, who were fired because their employees gave them poor evaluations. Top management wasn't t interested in keeping them on and risking employee lawsuits.

So, while it might not be "rocket science" that you need to treat your employees well if you want them to treat your customers well, many short-sighted bosses just don't get it. This often results in unfavorable consequences for their employees, the business and, often, for themselves.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services, including dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?

When you're in a relationship, one of the most difficult decisions you might have to make is whether you should stay or go.

Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?

Every relationship has its ups and downs. It's not unusual to go through rough patches, especially in the course of a long-term relationship. 

 Many couples weather these rough patches and their relationships are ultimately strengthened for having gone through a difficult time in an otherwise good and stable relationship. 

 But there are times when it's not always so clear whether the emotionally healthy response is to persevere in the relationship or whether it's time to leave. This dilemma might be further complicated by whether the couple has small children, particular religious views, complicated economic factors or an overall ambivalence about the relationship.

No One Knows Better than You What It's Like to Be in Your Relationship

Of course, no one can tell you what's right for you. Well-meaning friends and family members might give advice but, ultimately, no one really knows what it's like for you to be in your relationship, except you. 

There are certain circumstances where it's clear that you need to leave. For instance, if either you or your children are in danger due to domestic violence, you have a right and responsibility to protect yourself and your children from harm. But many other problems in relationships aren't so clear.

Dealing with Infidelity

When there have been serious breaches in trust, it's often hard to know if trust and confidence in the relationship can be restored. 

For instance, when one or both people have cheated, this usually does significant damage to the relationship. Some couples are able to work through this problem, but many others don't. Another complicated problem is when there have been lies or manipulation about money. 

 How do you know if your partner will change? Can you forgive him or her over time or will there always be doubt, worry, and anger that it could happen again. These aren't easy questions to answer.

See my article:  Coping with Infidelity

Are You Afraid to Be Alone?

Are you afraid to be alone and, if so, how much of a factor is this in your decision to stay or leave the relationship? Are you afraid of being lonely? Do you have doubts that you'll ever meet anyone else again and you'll be alone forever? How much is a possible lack of self confidence factoring into your decision process?

Are You and Your Spouse Drifting Apart in Your Relationship?

Over the course of a long-term relationship, many people start to drift apart. They might be living in the same household, but they're emotionally disengaged. A certain amount of denial may have set in where one or both people avoid dealing with this problem. Over time, this experience can leave you feeling empty and emotionally unfulfilled. Is it possible to revive your relationship? Are you and your spouse both willing to try? Or has this situation eroded the relationship to the point where it can no longer be revived?

An Emotional Dilemma

It's impossible to raise all the possible problems and questions in one blog post that might be a part of your decision as to whether you should stay or leave your relationship. One important thing to realize is that you're not alone in your emotional dilemma. Many people have faced this challenging and heart breaking problem in their relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help, sooner rather than later, can make a significant difference to you and your partner. Working with a couples counselor that you both feel comfortable with often helps. The couples counselor can't tell you what to do, but a skilled couples counselor can facilitate the communication process so that you can either work through your problems, if they're workable, or separate in the most amicable way possible..

What if your spouse refuses to participate in couples counseling? It's not unusual for one person to be willing and the other person to refuse. 

 The decision to start couples counseling isn't easy, and the thought of talking to a stranger about intimate problems can be daunting. 

If your spouse is unwilling to even come to a consultation with a couples counselor, you can seek help on your own. 

 In fact, many people seek help in individual therapy because they want to try to figure out for themselves first how they feel before they begin couples counseling. For other couples where the dynamic between them is so heated and contentious, they each need to go to individual therapy for a period of time because nothing productive can be accomplished together in couples counseling.

Taking the First Step 

Taking the first step is often the hardest part. 

Couples counseling or individual psychotherapy is a commitment and this often scares people off from taking that first step to get help. But rather than getting overwhelmed before you start, you can set up a consultation without any obligation to continue if you and/or your partner don't want to continue. 

You might consider meeting with a couple of therapists to see which one feels most comfortable to work with on your relationship issues. The important thing is to take the first step.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples. I have helped many people, both individuals and couples, to work through problems in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?

Hypnosis and Creative Visualization for Stress Management

As long as we're alive we will experience stress. We cannot eliminate stress from our lives, nor would we want to. A healthy level of stress gets us through the day and helps us to achieve our goals. 

Hypnosis and Creative Visualization for Stress Management

What causes problems for people is not stress itself. Rather, it's our negative reactions to stress, our distress, that often cause emotional and physical problems. 

A combination of clinical hypnosis and creative visualization often help to allow us to relax and calm our minds and bodies. As part of my work with psychotherapy clients, I usually teach them to use creative visualization and self hypnosis to feel more relaxed and refreshed.

Hypnosis and Creative Visualization
As I've mentioned in a previous blog post, all hypnosis is really self hypnosis. 

When I say this I mean that, even when a hypnotherapist is guiding you through the hypnotic process, you're own body and mind are doing the hypnotic work--not the hypnotherapist. 

With regular practice, self hypnosis is a skill that most people can develop. Some people go into the hypnotic state more easily than others. But my experience has been that most people can enter the hypnotic state, once they learn how. 

Hypnosis is usually very relaxing and refreshing, There's nothing mysterious or magical about the hypnotic state. In fact, we all enter into various levels of the hypnotic state or trance everyday when we day dream.

Creative visualization is also a skill that most people can learn, even people who insist that they don't see anything when they close their eyes and try to visualize. 

Often, there are misunderstandings about what is meant by visualizing. Some people think that if they're not seeing strong images, they're not visualizing. So, once again, if you're able to have day dreams and night dreams, which most people do, more than likely, you'll be able to develop this skill with practice.

Creative visualization can be used not only to relax. It can be used to help improve your mood, to achieve a goal, to improve your health, and it has many other benefits. For instance, athletes use creative imagery all the time to improve their athletic skills.

An Example of Creative Visualization
As an example, if you've ever watched an Olympic diving competition, you might have noticed that divers usually stand on the edge of the diving board for a few seconds with their eyes closed before they do their dives. 

During that time, they're doing a mental rehearsal of their dives, visualizing and proactively experiencing in their bodies how they want to execute the dive before they actually do it. They've been trained by their coaches that this mental rehearsal substantially improves the possibility of executing a flawless dive. Other professional athletes, including tennis players, baseball players and others also know the value of using creative visualization as part of their training to improve their game.

Combination of Clinical Hypnosis and Creative Visualization Can Be Empowering
The combination of clinical hypnosis and creative visualization can be very empowering. When you're in a hypnotic state, you are engaing a deeper part of yourself, your unconscious mind. Therapeutic work which is done on the unconscious level tends to be more powerful as compared to work done strictly on the conscious or cognitive level where you're only working on the surface.

Visualizing a Relaxing Place
One of the exercises I usually teach clients is using self hypnosis and creative visualization to see and experience themselves in a relaxing place. Once they've learned self hypnosis, they choose a place, either a real place that they know or an imagined place, to experience in the hypnotic state, bringing in as many senses as they can. The sensory experience is key to helping to bring about relaxation. Sensory experiences include noticing what you see, hear, feel, sense, smell, and taste on this imaginary level.



Even if you don't think you don't know how to enter into a self hypnotic state, you can still benefit from taking a few minutes to imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Think of it as entering into a pleasant day dream or reverie and don't get hung up on whether you are or aren't in a hypnotic state. When you choose a relaxing place to day dream about, it should be a place that is unambiguously pleasant. 

So, for instance, if you're thinking about a beach that you love, but you had a big argument with your boyfriend or girlfriend there and that's the image and feeling that predominate for you, don't use that place because it's not going to be relaxing.

Choose a place to practice the relaxing place experience where you can have some quiet time to yourself. Also, make sure that you're in a place where it's safe to close your eyes and relax. So, you would never do this while driving, operating machinery or anywhere where you need to be alert to your surroundings.

When you've found the appropriate time, place to practice, and the image of a relaxing place that's right for you, close your eyes and imagine this place, making your senses as vivid as possible. 

For most people, visualization is their strongest sense. But for some people their imaginary sense of sound, smell, taste or sensation might be more dominant. 

As best as you can, start to notice how relaxing this place is. Often, after just a few minutes, you'll notice that your body starts to relax. This is because of the mind-body connection. Our minds affect our bodies and our bodies affect our minds. So, if you visualize a relaxing place, your mind sends a signal to your body to relax.

For most people who are interested in developing their abilities in self hypnosis and creative visualization, practice and patience are key to improving these skills. Just like any other skill that you develop, it takes time and some effort. But the benefit you derive for managing your reactions to stress can be very rewarding.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including dynamic talk therapy,clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Joy of Being Attuned to Your Inner Child

As a psychotherapist who specializes in doing trauma work, I work with many people who were traumatized as children. This often means doing what John Bradshaw and others have called inner child work. Because this type of trauma work has become so prevalent, I think many people associate the term inner child to a state that is only a reference to trauma. But, being attuned to your "inner child" can also be a source of joy, inspiration, creativity, and happiness.

The Joy of Being Attuned to Your Inner Child

Regaining a Sense of Playfulness and Wonder

Childhood often holds moments of playfulness, openness, and a sense of curiosity and wonder that many people lose when they become adults. If you were fortunate enough to have had a reasonably good childhood with loving parents, your childhood probably had many instances of joy and love. It can be a rich inner emotional resource that you might have forgotten about but that is still available to you.

Rediscovering Your Inner Child and Creativity

As a psychotherapist in New York City, over the years, I've worked with many creative people--writers, composers, and artists--who want to tap into the part of the "inner child" who felt such an aliveness and openness to the world.

Often, they are struggling to overcome their "inner critic," that "voice of negative prediction" that causes creative blocks. Using clinical hypnosis or a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, they can tap into this deep resource.

But you don't have to be involved with artistic endeavors to benefit from becoming attuned to the joy of your "inner child." Feeling alive and open to new possibilities is beneficial to everyone, whether we tap into these feeling states for work, personal relationships or for your own sense of well being.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy Can Help to Tap into Creativity and Joy

So, instead of thinking of inner child work as always being about trauma or shame, you can also benefit from the positive aspects of your having been young, open, and playful. A sense of playfulness in our personal lives and in our work can open up a well spring of creativity and joy that you might not even realize you still have available to you.

All of your feeling states are still a part of you. They might not be as easily accessible during your everyday waking consciousness. But learning to access these states with mind-body oriented psychotherapeutic treatment modalities, like clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing, can tap into your unconscious mind where these experiences might have been dormant for many years.

There is much to be gained by being attuned to that part of you that is often referred to as your "inner child." Whether it's resolving trauma, tuning into an openness and sense of wonder, or a combination of these experiences and more, working with the "inner child" can help you to feel more emotionally integrated and vibrant. That sense of being more alive, joyful, inspired, creative and open enables you to lead a more emotionally fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have helped many clients to lead more fulfilling and enriched lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Zest for Life: 85 Years Young and Still Inspired and Inspiring

In my blog post yesterday, Overcoming the "I'm too old to change" Mindset,  I gave a fictionalized composite account of "John," who was in his 50s and used his age as an excuse to cover up his fear of changing. Today, I'd like to focus on my neighbor, Katherine, who, at the age of 85, is still inspired by life and inspiring others. She's an excellent example of someone who is in good health, has a zest for life, and who doesn't use her age as an excuse to avoid change in her life.

A Zest For Life: 85 Years Young and Still Inspired and Inspiring

First, let me say that Katherine isn't her real name. When I asked Katherine permission to discuss her in my blog, she's so modest that she couldn't understand why anyone would be interested in her. Once she got over her surprise, we agreed that I wouldn't use her real name or too much identifying information about her.

When she and I talked about what keeps her open and looking forward to new experiences in life, Katherine told me that she's always been a curious person who wasn't afraid of change throughout her life. She's still healthy, mentally sharp, and enjoys walking a few miles a day and practicing yoga daily. She also said that she doesn't hold grudges and she's learned "not to sweat the small stuff."

Until she retired, Katherine was an elementary schoolteacher for most of her life. Retirement for Katherine doesn't mean sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons. She's still an active volunteer at the local elementary school reading program. She still loves working with children and instilling a sense of curiosity and wonder in her students. She has a strong social network of friends, many of whom are 40 years younger than her and find it challenging to keep up with her pace.

Aside from inheriting healthy genes (both of her parents lived into their 90s), you might think that Katherine has lived a charmed life and this is why she has such a good attitude. But, far from it, Katherine has had her losses and misfortunes, including losing her first husband, the love of her life, to cancer when they were both in their 40s.

This was a loss she thought she'd never get over, but she had teenage children to raise, so she attended psychotherapy to deal with the loss, and she channeled her grief into doing volunteer work with a local cancer organization to help others who lost their loved ones to cancer. She remarried when she was in her 60s and lost her second husband five years ago, which was also a tremendous loss for her.

Aside from losing both husbands, Katherine has outlived many life long friends. She felt strongly about each of these losses, but she was determined that she wouldn't allow these losses to defeat her emotionally. She's one of the most resilient people that I know.

Katherine's attitude toward life is that she takes "each day as it comes," a variation of living "one day at a time." She looks at the changes that life brings as opportunities to learn and grow. At age 85, she knows she's not going to live forever. But rather than worrying about how much longer she might live, she focuses on making whatever time she has worthwhile for herself and others.

And what does Katherine say to people in their 40s, 50s or 60s whose mindset is "I'm too old to change"? She tells them, "Life is short and precious. Live life fully while you can. Learn to change and grow."

At 85 years young, Katherine is still inspired by life and still inspiring others around her. We can all learn a lot from her.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.