Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 2

In my prior article, Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 1, I began a discussion about using positive imagination and how it can be helpful during the COVID-19 crisis.  In today's article, I'm providing a clinical example to illustrate the benefits of positive imagination (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool).

Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope

Using Positive Imagination, including Imaginal Interweaves, as a Internal Resource
As I mentioned in my earlier article, Attached Focused EMDR therapy, which is a trauma therapy developed by Laurel Parnell, Ph.D., uses a form of positive imagination called "imaginal interweaves" when clients are blocked in terms of processing the trauma.

Imaginal interweaves function as an internal resource or coping technique (What Are Imaginal Interweaves?)

Although the example I'm giving is about psychological trauma, imaginal interweaves can be used whenever you need a way to calm yourself and help yourself to cope.

The Therapeutic Benefits of Imaginal Interweaves: A Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the use of imaginal interweaves as a form of positive imagination:

Sandy
During 2003, when Sandy was living and working in Toronto, she and other people in her neighborhood, were forced to self quarantine during an outbreak of severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS). Sandy had no symptoms of SARS, but she was obligated to follow government regulations to quarantine.

Not only was Sandy fearful of SARS, but since she lived alone and she wasn't allowed to see other people in person, she felt very isolated and lonely during that time.  Her only contact with family and friends in New York City was by phone, so her history of depression and generalized anxiety were exacerbated by the quarantine.

After she assessed to be healthy and she was able to return to New York City, Sandy believed that she would feel better.  But, even though she was able to be with family and friends, she couldn't understand why her depression and anxiety-related symptoms continued.  So, after a few months of struggling on her own, Sandy sought help from a psychotherapist in Manhattan.

During their initial consultation, her therapist explained how Sandy's social isolation and loneliness while she was in quarantine, as well as earlier traumatic experiences as a child, exacerbated Sandy's depression and anxiety (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use  EMDR therapy to deal with the trauma related to the quarantine as well as the earlier unresolved trauma (see my article: EMDR Therapy When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

She explained to Sandy that, as part of the preparation work to do EMDR therapy, she would help Sandy to develop internal resources and coping strategies that she would use either in session or between sessions.

During the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, Sandy's therapist talked to her about imaginal interweaves and how they could be helpful if Sandy got blocked in the EMDR processing and they needed to find a way to undo the block (i.e., being "blocked" means the client's emotion or thought creates an obstacle to continuing to do the work).

She explained to Sandy how powerful the imagination can be and that using imaginal interweaves engages the mind and the body so that Sandy experiences what she is imagining as if it were actually occurring.  She explained that, of course, Sandy would know that she was still using her imagination, but she would get the beneficial effects of the interweaves (see my article: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy: Healing With New Symbolic Memories).

As part of the imaginal interweaves, Sandy's therapist asked her to choose three people who are either real or imaginary ("real" means someone that Sandy knew from any time in her life and "imaginary" means someone from a TV program, book, movie, and so on) for the qualities of:

• Nurturing
• Powerful
• Wise

The therapist acknowledged that these categories are intentionally vague and explained that Sandy should interpret nurturing, powerful and wise as whatever it meant to her.  So, for nurturing, Sandy chose her current best friend. For wise, she chose her godmother, who always gave Sandy good advice.  And, for powerful, Sandy couldn't think of anyone in her real life, so she chose a superhero, Wonder Woman.

After they completed the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, which also included learning a Relaxing Place meditation, they began processing Sandy's experience of being quarantined and how it was affecting her now.

As part of the work, they also did a process which is called a "Float Back" in EMDR and which is the same as an "Affect Bridge" in clinical hypnosis where the client goes back to the earliest time when she had the same emotions as in the current memory.

The Float Back is an important part of EMDR therapy because it gets to the earliest memory when the client had the same emotional experience (even if what happened in that memory was different).  The important part is that the client has a similar emotional experience.

So, for instance, if, as an adult, the client has an experience of feeling helpless and overwhelmed, the Float Back goes to the earliest experience of feeling the same way--even if the people and circumstances in the earlier memory were different.

Getting to these earlier memories enables the client and the therapist to see what earlier memories are being triggered by the present experience so that they don't continue to be triggered in other similar circumstances in the future.

At one point in the processing of the trauma using EMDR, Sandy became blocked and couldn't go any further in the trauma work.

Even though, logically, she knew she deserved to feel better, on an emotional level, a big part of her felt that she didn't deserve to feel better.

Sandy was surprised that she could experience such a contradiction between what she experienced logically and what she felt emotionally.

She also said that if someone else had told her this, she would be much more compassionate with that person than she was with herself.

This negative emotional response was so powerful that regular EMDR processing was blocked, so her therapist asked Sandy to imagine what her nurturing person, her best friend, would have said and done if she knew that Sandy felt this way.

In response, Sandy imagined her best friend being with her, and her therapist heightened that experience by having Sandy slow down so she could have a felt sense of her best friend's nurturing quality.

Sandy was able to take in what she imagined her best friend would say and do--that she cared about Sandy and she deserved to feel better.  She was able to feel her friend's compassion on a visceral level and, as a result, she felt much more self compassion).

The felt sense of her friend being compassionate and developing her own self compassion undid the block, and Sandy and her therapist were able to continue with EMDR processing.

Gradually, over time, Sandy and her therapist processed the present, past and anticipatory anxiety about the future.

Conclusion
The fictional vignette provided above focuses on how trauma therapy, specifically EMDR therapy, using imaginal interweaves, which is a form of positive imagination.

Using your imagination is a powerful tool--whether it's used during trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, or you use it as your own individual coping strategy.

So, even if you're not in therapy, you can use imaginal interweaves on your own to cope with current problems.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone.

Rather than suffering on your own, you can seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

By being proactive now, you can work through your problems and go on to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Using Your Imagination: How Imaginal Interweaves Help to Overcome Trauma - Part 1

I realize that during times of crisis, like the current pandemic or the 9/11 World Trade Center attack, there are certain songs that repeat in my mind (see my article: Remembering Your Strengths as a Way to Cope in a Crisis).

Trauma and the Imagination

One of those songs is "Imagine" by former Beatle, John Lennon, which was released in 1971 during the Vietnam war as part of the peace movement (see lyrics).

Almost 50 years later, "Imagine" continues to be an inspiring symbol of the pursuit of peace and a symbol of hope.

Whenever I have a song that repeats in my mind, I get curious about why I'm thinking about this particular song and what my unconscious mind is trying to tell me (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: The Client's and Therapist's Parallel Experience During a Crisis).

So, as I thought and I realized that during times of uncertainty imagination plays such a powerful role in both a positive and negative way, and "Imagine" is call for us to use our imagination to create a better world in terms of how we think and behave (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool).

Uncertainty and Negative Imagination

The current discussions about "the new normal" are reminiscent of 9/11 and the loss of innocence, among other things, that we experienced after our country was attacked.

There's something jarring about the words "the new normal" at this point in time when people are still grappling with their fear, anxiety, grief for the losses, and social deprivation (see my article: Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis).

Coping with uncertainty often leads to negative imagination where people can only imagine the worst case scenario. And, when we understand that the brain is hardwired to anticipate danger in order to stay alive, it's easy to see why negative imagination can be so important as well as overwhelming.

So, let's not underestimate the value of being vigilant and negative imagination in anticipating danger.  If early cavemen and cavewomen weren't vigilant about danger, they might just as easily walk into the cave with the bear, instead of their home cave, with disastrous results.

So, anticipating danger is important and so is accepting your negative emotions.  But when negative imagination goes into overdrive, people often lose their perspective and the ability to anticipate anything that is good and positive.

Balancing Overwhelming Negativity By Using Positive Imagination to Cope: Imaginal Interweaves

Your creative imagination is powerful--regardless of whether you dwell on positive or negative scenarios (see my article: Empowering Yourself During the COVID-19 Crisis).

Let me be clear that I'm not advocating being positive all the time and ignoring what's negative.  That would be impractical, at best, and dangerous at worst.  Be prepared, cautious and follow the health experts recommendations are necessary for staying healthy (see my article: All Emotions Are Welcome Here).

Rather than being impractical or Pollyannish, I'm encouraging you to use positive imagination as a coping strategy to counteract many of the negative scenarios that might be going through your mind.

In Dr. Laurel Parnell's Attachment Focused model of EMDR therapy, which is a trauma therapy, she uses "imaginal interweaves" as a way of helping clients to develop the necessary internal resources to cope with working on the trauma (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

Using imaginal interweaves is a way of "interweaving" positive, powerful, nurturing, and wise figures into the therapeutic work.

An imaginal interweave can be imagining people you know in real life or characters from a movie, book, TV program (or iconic figures that you might know about but don't know personally) to imagine drawing upon the qualities that they have.

In Laurel Parnell's model, imaginal interweaves are people who have one or all of the following qualities:

• Powerful
• Nurturing
• Wise

• Examples of Imaginal Interweaves:
• Powerful: Your favorite superhero, a person you know and admire who overcame adversity, a character from a movie like Atticus Finch from "To Kill a Mockingbird" or whoever feel powerful to you ("powerful" is whatever it means to you).
• Nurturing: A close friend, a loved one, a mentor, a coach, a favorite aunt, or a character from a TV program
• Wise: Your favorite teacher or mentor, a wise uncle, a friend, a spiritual leader, Dumbledore from Harry Potter

As I discussed in an earlier article about imaginal interweaves, most of the time, interweaves are used in trauma therapy when clients get stuck while processing a traumatic memory.

But imaginal interweaves can also be used whenever you feel you need to empower yourself, including the current pandemic crisis.

• Imaginal interweaves help to: 
• integrate memory networks
• differentiate memory networks
• provide a creative and coherent narrative
• create a broader perspective
• provide a counterbalance to negative imagination

In My Next Article:

Using positive imagination to cope is a big topic, and one blog article isn't enough to cover it sufficiently, so I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, you're not alone.  

Fear, anxiety and grief are all common reactions to the current crisis.

Many therapists, including me, are using online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) to help clients during the current crisis when clients cannot be seen in person (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help from a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference between feeling overwhelmed and having a sense of well-being (see my article: The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of the office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Welcoming All Emotions

These simple words, "All emotions are welcome here" touched me deeply.  

These words, which were  spoken by an online facilitator in a support group for therapists, were said with such genuine kindness, acceptance and caring that it provided the metaphorical container and holding environment that we all need as we go through the physical, emotional and spiritual challenges during this pandemic (see my articles: Common Reactions to COVID-19: Fear and Anxiety,  The Powerful Impact of Kindness and Reframing Social Connection With Intentionality).

All Emotions Are Welcome Here

So often well-meaning people, who are struggling with accepting their own emotional vulnerability, have difficulty hearing someone else's pain.

In their desire to be uplifting, they unintentionally override the other person's sadness, grief and anger by telling them prematurely to "Be positive" or "Be strong," which makes the other person feel that their emotions are unacceptable in some way or that they're "weak" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak".

While it's true that, as we deal with the challenges of this global pandemic, some of us are more fortunate than others, most people are struggling with a myriad of emotions as time goes by.  It's important to feel that all emotions, no matter how difficult, are accepted and acceptable (see my article: Resilience: Accepting Your Negative Emotions).

You might think that telling someone that you accept where they are emotionally might not be enough to soothe them, but keeping an open heart and mind and remaining in empathic resonance with another person is truly a gift that he or she might not receive from anyone else.

If you're feeling too emotionally vulnerable to delve into someone else's feelings, that's okay.  You can respond by simply saying, "I'm here for you" or "I care about you."

If words don't come at all, you can convey your love and caring by looking at them through your online connection and putting your hand on your heart.

At this time when so many people are trying to make sense of their emotions, when words don't come to you, whatever non-verbal loving gesture you can make will be received like a healing balm by your loved ones when you convey it with a loving intention.

Getting Help in Therapy
The concept of "starting where the client is" is the hallmark of good therapy.  Meeting and accepting the client wherever they are emotionally is the beginning of healing for them.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy (also known as teletherapy or telehealth) during the COVID-19 crisis (see my article: Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Getting the emotional support that you need is crucial now.

Taking the first step of making that phone call to get help is often the most difficult, and it's also the start of healing.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy while I am out of the office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reframing Social Connection with Intentionality to Create Meaningful Connections Online

We are social beings, and the need and impulse to connect with others is real, especially during a crisis (see my articles: Coping Wih Loneliness and Social Isolation and Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We Are Physically Distant).

We have a need to feel held, embraced and safe in the company of people we trust.  This need to be with others helps us to co-regulate each other's well-being.  This need to be in close physical proximity to others is also in direct conflict to the more pressing need right now to physically distance ourselves from each other to avoid getting getting the COVID-19 virus.

Reframing Social Isolation with Intentionality as You Connect With Loved Ones Online

How to Overcome the Negative Impact of Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis

There's no question that physical distancing from others is necessary during this pandemic.  If you're not essential workers, you must stay home and only go out only when necessary using the precautions recommended by the Center For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Remaining at home and physically distant isn't just difficult because you're feeling bored, more importantly, it goes against human beings' basic instincts to connect with others. 

As people become more physically isolated, the mind and the body go into defensive mode. After a period of being physically/socially isolated, people often become more anxious, fearful and worried (see my article:  Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

Given that physical distancing creates a paradox between the needs of your nervous system and your need to survive this pandemic, how do you take care of your need for social connection?

Reframing Social Connection Online with Intentionality

Although you can't be physically connected with friends and other loved ones, you can remain connected online with intentionality.

What Does It Mean to Communicate with Intentionality?
When you're with someone in person, both of you are picking up or attuning to conscious and unconscious signals that you're both sending with regard to what's going on between you.

Aside from the words and the body language, you're picking up on other implicit cues you sense in person about what's being communicated. Sometimes the words and what's being communicated on an unconscious level don't match.

For instance, someone might tell you that they're not angry with you.  But their body language, facial expressions, tension in their body, and the emotional resonance that you sense might be communicating something very different.  Whether you realize it or not, the words are less important than the other cues you're picking up from the other person.

Another example would be that when someone says, "I love you," aside from the words, you pick up on other cues to understand the meaning behind the words. Does the person's facial expression, body language, and other subtle forms of nonverbal communication, including the resonance you feel between you and them, match their words?  If not, you're not going to believe the words.

How to Communicate Online With Intentionality
Sometimes you might not perceive the nonverbal cues online. So, you need to be more intentional and explicit online than when you're with someone in person.  The good news is that there are ways to do this:

• Human beings are an adaptable species, so we often find alternatives to the ways we normally do things.

• Appreciate and normalize for yourself your impulse to connect meaningfully with others--even as you're inhibiting yourself from doing it in person to remain healthy.

• Monitor your body's need for these social connections. Be conscious of your emotional needs. Reach out to others when you feel the need and be kind to your loved ones who are reaching out to you (see my article: The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Stressful Times).

• Reaching out to loved ones online is powerful.  If online communication isn't available, the phone is the next best thing. Emailing and texting are better than nothing, but not as powerful as seeing and hearing one another.  The problem with texting and emailing is that these modes of communication don't provide facial expressions and voice intonation, which are critical for feeling socially connected.

• The value of seeing someone's face and hearing their voice is powerful to the nervous system and fulfills a basic need for connection.

• It's not about the words.  It's not about chatting or just getting caught up, although this has its place too.  You're not just exchanging content or news.

• Communicating with intentionality is more about conveying with your facial expressions, your voice and your behavior that you care.

• By communicating how much you care with intentionality, you and your loved ones are coregulating each other's nervous systems and well-being so that you feel emotionally and physically better.

• You can each feel a sense of well-being in your body and mind as you help each other to coregulate your well-being. You're feeling connectedness.  This can't be emphasized enough.  Coregulating by seeing each other, hearing each other's voices and communicating with intentionality is a way of grounding each other. You're being attuned with each other.  You're entering into each other's consciousness to say, "You're not alone. I'm here with you and I care about you."

Conclusion

Requiring people to physically isolate from one another is counter to what we are hardwired to do as social beings who need social connections for physical and emotional well-being.

As social beings, we coregulate our physical and emotional well-being through meaningful connections with others.  Yet, the current pandemic requires that we remain at home physically isolated from others.

Although we cannot connect in person, we can do the next best thing, which allows us to reframe social isolation: Communicate with intentionality by using the power of our facial expressions, our words, behavior and voice intonality to communicate that we care.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Many mental health experts are concerned about the long term effects of isolation and loneliness.  

If you're feeling overwhelmed, help is available to you through online therapy, which is also known as teletherapy, telemental health or telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Therapists via Online Therapy, Also Known as Teletherapy, Telemental Health and Telehealth

Working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you through this difficult time can help you maintain a sense of well-being.  

If you're feeling powerless during this time, you can overcome your sense of powerlessness by taking action: Contact a mental health professional who can help you overcome your fear and anxiety.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am working with clients online so we can remain connected.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Although being alone and feeling lonely during the COVID-19 crisis is challenging, being in a relationship where you're both staying in your home for long periods of time together can also be challenging (see my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Arguments and Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart).

The sudden shift to all day/all night togetherness can put even the best relationship under a strain (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the Pandemic, Common Reactions to the Crisis: Fear and Anxiety and Grieving Losses During the Crisis).

Tips on Getting Alone as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Depending upon the relationship, couples are responding differently, but most couples are finding it difficult to deal with the shift to being around each other all the time.

Some couples that were already experiencing a strain in their relationship before the pandemic are finding it even more stressful to be around each other.  Other couples have put aside their differences for now to focus on what they need to do to get through the current crisis.

Many couples will go through different experiences at different times.  Couples that are getting along now might not get along well over time due to the ongoing strain of the crisis and vice versa.

It's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to want different things with regard to time together vs time apart, and this is especially true now (see my article: Learning to Compromise About Time Together vs Time Apart).

In addition, when you live together, there are always other issues that need negotiating.

Whether you're currently having problems in your relationship or not, it's a good idea to anticipate and be prepared for possible problems before they occur.

Potential Problems For Couples During the Pandemic:
With the pandemic, there can be unique issues to deal with that affect the health and well-being of both people, including:

• What to Do If One Person Gets the Coronavirus:
• In the event that one person becomes infected, both people will need to decide how to handle this.  
• The dilemma is that the person who is sick would probably need help to get through the illness. But the uninfected person would be fearful of getting the virus.
• A consultation with your doctor is best.  

• Whether to Stay in NYC or Leave Temporarily to Go to a Second Home (if possible)
• Each person might have different feelings about whether to stay or leave, if they're fortunate enough to have a second home that they can go to temporarily. 
• One person might prefer to stay in New York City and the other person might prefer to leave. They will have to negotiate and might need to compromise about this. 

• How Much Space and Privacy to Give Your Partner
• Different people need varying degrees of alone time. Some people like to be with their partner most if not all the time.  
• If their partner doesn't feel that way, the person who wants to be together most or all the time can feel rejected.  
• Other people need their own space and privacy to have a sense of well-being.  
• If you're living in an apartment that's large enough, this can often be negotiated.  But most New York City apartments aren't large so both people might feel too confined in a small space.

• How to Negotiate Childcare Responsibilities 
• If a couple is accustomed to normally having childcare either in a daycare or with an nanny whose services are no longer available, they need to figure out how to negotiate childcare responsibilities. 
• Older children will, obviously, still need parental care and guidance, but they can be more independent.
• Younger children will need more time and attention, including help with online schoolwork.
• Will each parent can take turns and give the other parent a break? Will they divide up the tasks or come up with some other way?
• If a couple already has differences in terms of childrearing, going through this health crisis can highlight those differences and make things worse.

• Differences in Cleaning Standards Around the Home 
• Many couples already have differences to negotiate around cleaning standards.  One peron might be neater and want to clean more often, and the other person might be a lot more relaxed about it.  
• With the current health crisis, there can also be issues around what and how much to disinfect.

• Whether to Go to the Grocery Store or Order Grocery Online (if possible)
• Most people are trying to minimize their time outdoors, so one person might prefer to order grocery online and the other might prefer to go to the store.  
• The person who wants to order online might have concerns about his/her coming into contact with other people in the grocery store as well as having concerns about the partner's exposure to others.

• Whether to Order Takeout
• This issue is similar to whether or not to go to the grocery store.  
• Some people prefer not to cook.  Others feel safer cooking their own food.

• Whether to Wear Masks Outside or Not (the latest recommendations from the CDC as of the writing of this article)
• There has been some recent confusion about this.  Originally, people in the US were told that there was no need to wear a mask.  Now CDC is recommending the wearing of masks, but they're not mandating it.
• One person might feel strongly that wearing a mask is important, while the other person might not want to wear a mask.  This creates a potential problem because the person who feels strongly about a mask might worry that the partner who doesn't want to wear a mask is putting each of them at risk.

• How to Have Quality Time, Fun and Socialize While Practicing Social Distancing
• Couples who are accustomed to socializing in person with friends and loved ones might feel at a loss about how to socialize with the new requirement for social distancing.  
• One partner might enjoy socializing online and the other partner might not.

And so on.

Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the Pandemic
There are no right answers to the dilemmas that couples face during the pandemic, but here are some tips that might help, which will require some flexibility, compromise and negotiation:

• Create a Routine and Structure Your Day
• Since both of your routines have been upended, it's important for a couple to come up with a rough schedule for how they will spend their days.  
• Each person might have different needs, so that will need to be taken into account.

• Make Time For Alone Time
• Make time for time apart to work, nap, talk to friends on the phone or online, read, meditate, watch a program the other person doesn't like or engage in other solo activities.  
• Try to be respectful of your partner's need for time apart so that when you come together again you'll feel ready to be in each other's company.

• Learn to Communicate With Each Other Effectively 
• Over time, nerves can get frayed.  One or both of you is bound to either get inpatient or lose your temper.  Expect it (see my article: Learn How to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship). 
• Learn how to take responsibility for your words and behavior and make amends with your partner as soon as you can.  
• Pick your battles.  
• Don't argue over small issues.  It's better to let some things go sometimes rather than arguing about them.
• Tell your partner if you need time to regroup after an argument. 
• It's not unusual for one person to want to work things out immediately and for the other person to need time to cool off first.  
• If you're the person who wants to work things out immediately, recognize that if your partner isn't ready to do it and you push to do it, you'll probably continue to argue, and your partner will resent you.  
• If you're the person who needs time to cool down before you talk, let your partner know about how long you'll need so it doesn't feel endless to them, and don't stonewall (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).
• Remember to express your love and gratitude to your partner (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Spouse).

• Find Meaningful Ways to Connect
• One of the biggest complaints that couples often have under normal circumstances is that they barely see each other during the week because of their busy work schedules and then on weekends they feel too exhausted.
• If you have more time now, talk to your partner about how you would like to spend your time together in a way that's meaningful and enjoyable.
• This could include:
• Spending more time having sex and discovering new things that you both want to do sexually, possibly including a willingness to explore new ways of being together and enjoying each other sexually.
• Redecorating your home
• Learning a new game
• Learning a new language together
• Talking about future plans, including travel plans when it's safe to travel again 
• Reading aloud to each other
• Listening to a podcast together
• Watching a movie you've always wanted to see

And so on.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Despite your best efforts, you and your partner might find that getting along during the pandemic
highlights problems that you've had all along that you've never dealt with before.

Even if you got along well before, the stresses and strains involved with too much time together at home, a change in your routine, the loss of things you used to do outside, and the unknowns involved with the pandemic and economy are threatening your relationship.

If you can't work things out on your own, rather than watching the demise of your relationship, you could benefit from atending couples therapy.

Many therapists, including me, are providing individual and couples therapy online (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) while they're out of their offices (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than allowing your problems to destroy your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.  It could save your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 20 years.

I'm providing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the pandemic.

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) is the therapy I use to work with couples. EFT is one of the best effective and well-researched therapy to help couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stay Calm and Stop Catastrophizing During a Crisis

During a crisis, like the pandemic we're currently experiencing, it's easy to catastrophize and have thoughts like, "It's the end of the world!" or "We're all going to die" (see my article: Common Reactions to COVID-19: Fear and Anxiety). It's easy to understand how someone might get so panicky and filled with dread because we're in an unprecedented time in modern history (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?, Living With Uncertainty and Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).

How to Stay Calm and Stop Catastrophizing During a Crisis

What is Catastrophizing?

• Catastrophizing is an Overreaction to a Current or Anticipated Situation
• It's a form of distorted thinking (also called cognitive distortion) where these irrational thoughts go to extremes, including that the worst possible scenario will occur in the present or in the future (see my article: How Psychotherapy Helps You to Understand and Change Distorted Thinking).

• Catastrophizing is More than Just Feeling Afraid or Anxious
• It goes beyond being afraid and involves persistent worry and heightened anxiety.

• Expressing Catastrophic Thoughts to Your Loved Ones Can Heighten Their Fears and Anxiety 
• It's important for your peace of mind and well-being as well as your loved ones to recognize and overcome your distorted thinking.

• Catastrophizing Clouds Your Ability to Cope and Think Clearly 
• It makes it difficult to cope, thinking creatively and plan.
• Depending upon how overreactve you become, it can also psychologically paralyze you to the point where you can't think or act on your behalf or on the behalf of your loved ones.

Tips on How to Stop Catastrophizing
While it's important to take the current pandemic seriously, as previously mentioned, overreacting will get in the way of your coping effectively.  So, it's essential that you get a handle on your distorted thoughts in the following ways:

• Take Care of Yourself:
• Get enough restful sleep (see my article: Tips For Getting Restful Sleep).
• Eat nutritiously
• Remain in contact with your loved ones online or by phone (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though We're Physically Apart).
• Get a handle on your anxiety (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Calm the Body, Calm the Mind).

• Calm Your Body, Calm Your Mind:
• Be proactive in terms of calming your mind and your body rather than allowing distorted thinking to make you increasingly anxious.
• Engage in mindfulness meditation (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation).
• Do breathing exercises (see my article: Square Breathing).
• Get physical: Exercise or do yoga based on a level that's right for you. 
• Use your imagination in a positive way rather than imagining end of the world scenarios (see my article: Using Your Imagination as a Powerful Tool For Change).

• Maintain Your Perspective: Step Back and Question Your Distorted Thoughts:
• Write down your thoughts. Be specific so they are clearly defined rather than just nebulous thoughts floating around in your mind.  After you've written them down, take a step back from your thoughts and ask yourself about each one objectively and how likely it is that your worst thoughts will come true.  Once you've written them down and you gain some perspective about your thoughts, you might realize that your fears are exaggerated.
• If you still believe your thoughts, imagine you can put each thought individually on a large screen 20 feet away from you and examine it. If 20 feet isn't enough, imagine putting the screen further back.  Now that your thought can be viewed at a distance outside of you, how does it seem?  Once again, ask yourself how realistic it is compared to reliable information that you're receiving.  In other words, you're externalizing your thought so you can be more objective.

• Recognize That Your Thoughts Aren't Facts and You're Not Defined By Your Thoughts:
• Your thoughts can also shift from one extreme to another.  You might go from catastrophizing to being overly optimistic while you try to get a handle on your thoughts.
• Remember you might experience your thoughts as very powerful and real, but remember they're only thoughts. Thoughts aren't facts.  

• Pay Attention to the Sources of Information that You Listen to and How Often:
• Listen to reliable information.  There's a lot of misinformation circulating around, so use good judgment when you watch, listen or read the news.
• Don't spread unreliable news because it could have an adverse effect on you and others.
• Take a break from watching, listen to or reading the news.

• Recognize That Past Unresolved Trauma Might Be Negatively Affecting Your Current Perspective:
• Be aware that prior unresolved trauma often gets triggered by a new crisis, which often distorts the current situation (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past and Unresolved Psychological Trauma Often Creates Negative Expectations About the Future).
• Recognize that it's often difficult to distinguish the past from the present when you're triggered (see my article: Working Through Psychological Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").
• Unpacking your reaction and uncoupling the past from the present on your own is difficult, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed. A skilled trauma therapist can help you to uncouple "then" from "now" (see my article: Experiential Trauma Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

• Recognize That You're Not Powerless:
• Remember other times when you were in a crisis and you were effective in dealing with the problem at hand. 
• Remember the sense of agency you had in those prior situations and ask yourself how you can use those same skills in the current situation.

Getting Help in Therapy
Social isolation and loneliness can take a toll on most people's psychologicalwell-being.  So if you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone.

Many therapists, including me, are working online to provide you with online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than struggling on your own, get help from a licensed psychotherapist, especially if you're having difficulty getting a handle on your catastrophic thinking or you have unresolved trauma that's getting triggered by the current crisis.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused (EFT) and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am providing online therapy sessions during this crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Care During the COVID-19 Crisis: How Mindfulness Can Reduce Stress

Self care during the COVID-19 crisis is essential to maintaining your health and sense of well-being so you can get through this pandemic and get back to your normal routines when this is over (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Calm the Body and Calm the Mind, Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis, Empowering Yourself During the COVID-19 Crisis and Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself).  In this article I'm focusing specifically on slowing down in a mindful way to notice what's going on in your internal world as well as to pay attention to the environment around you.

Self Care During the COVID-19 Crisis: How Mindfulness Can Reduce Stress

Learning to Be Mindfully Aware
I was talking to a friend a few days ago, and she was telling me about a workshop she took.  She told me the teacher, who was doing the workshop on breathing exercises and Qigong, said that in centuries past, before monks were allowed to learn these exercises from their teachers, they had to spend many years sweeping the steps outside the temple.  We talked about how fortunate we are to be able to learn these exercises through workshops, videos and teaching each other without having to wait years.

Afterwards, the image of a monk sweeping the temple steps stayed with me.  I thought about the monk performing this task and how, beyond the mundane aspects of it, sweep served to help the monk focus and be more mindful of himself, his task and his environment.

Just as the monks derived a sense of well-being from living in a mindful way, practicing mindfulness can be a valuable practice to help you reduce stress too.

Feeling Isolated and Lonely
Many people feel trapped at home because of the requirement to practice physical distancing. But rather than zoning out in front of the TV or computer, you can use this time to slow down and be more mindful of your body, thoughts, emotions and behavior (see my articles: Coping With Loneliness and Social Isolation During the COVID-19 Crisis, Undoing Aloneness: Staying Socially Connected Even Though You're Physically Disconnected and Common Reactions to the COVID-19 Crisis: Fear and Anxiety).

Tips For Slowing Down and Being Mindful
So, let's discuss how you can learn to slow down in simple mindful ways:

• Pay Attention to Your Body: 
• Start by paying attention to what's going on in your body (see my article: Doing a Body Scan Meditation to Sense and Reduce Stress).  
• The more you can be aware of what's going on in your body, the better you'll be able to reduce your stress.

• Breathe:
• Most people breathe in a shallow way, which can be anxiety and stress producing. Become aware of your breathing and take full breaths.
• Take time to do a simple breathing exercise.

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: 
• Mindfulness meditation is a specific way of meditating that can help you to relax your body and your mind (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

• Do One Thing at a Time: 
• Juggling tasks, even if you think you're good at it, is stress producing.  
• Rather than multi-tasking, do one thing at a time and pay attention to what you're doing so that you can do your task in a mindful way. 

• Take Breaks During the Day: 
• Whether you're working from home, taking care of children or elderly parents or doing all of the above, take at least 5-10 minutes for a break (see my article: Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself).

• If you live with others, let them know that this is uninterrupted time just for you. If possible, try to find a quiet space for yourself (see my articles: Is Self Care Selfish and Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times).

• If it's too hard to find the time and space during the day, get up a few minutes early or take a few minutes before you go to sleep to spend some quiet time with yourself  (see my article: Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat).

• Maintain Your Perspective: 
• Although stressful events, like the COVID-19 crisis, might feel like they'll go on forever, there will be an end.
• Remember the words, "This too shall pass." 
• Also, remember other times when you were able to get through very difficult times.
• Remember that you're probably more resilient than you think (see my article: Resilience: Tips on How to Cope).

• Take it One Day, One Hour or One Minute at a Time: Try Not to Anticipate What Will Happen in the Future:
•  Whether you need to take it one day at a time or one minute at a time, try not to project into the future. 
• Worrying about the future will only make you anxious and deplete your energy (see my article: How to Stop Worrying). 
• Focus on the here and now (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

• Unplug From Your Telephone and Social Media: 
• When you're able to take a break, unplug from the TV, your computer, your phone and social media. 
• Remaining connected all the time is stressful.  
• You might feel like you have to stay on top of breaking news, but spending a lot of time watching or listening to the news can be stress and anxiety inducing.  
• Limit how much time you spend plugged in to your cellphone, computer and social media.

• Focus on What You're Grateful For Each Day: 
• No matter how big a crisis you're going through, you can usually find something to be grateful for--even if it's something that you think is small.  
• That doesn't mean that you ignore the negative things going on or that you don't prepare yourself and your family for what might come.  
• It means that you also remember that good things are happening.  
• By writing down at least three things that you're grateful for each day, not only do you feel gratitude and appreciation for the people and things you have in your life, you also train your mind to remember that, even in the darkest hour, there are almost always things to be grateful for (Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

Getting Help in Therapy
You're not alone.  Many people are feeling the psychological effects of the pandemic (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: The Client's and Therapist's Parallel Experience in a Crisis).

Everyone needs help at some point.  There are times when, despite your best efforts to reduce your stress and anxiety, you might need help from a mental health professional.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to manage your stress and anxiety by helping you to develop tools and internal resources.

Many psychotherapists, including me, are doing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) durng the COVID-19 crisis (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, there was an epidemic of loneliness, and the social isolation and loneliness involved with practicing physical distancing are making those experiences even worse.

Rather than struggling on your own, take action and get the help you need sooner rather than later.  In the long run, it could make all the difference in your health and emotional well-being.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.