Overcome the Trauma that Keeps You Stuck in Emotional Pain

People often start psychotherapy to overcome trauma that keeps them stuck and in emotional pain.   My experience, as a psychotherapist in private practice in NYC, is that EMDR is a safe and effective form of therapy for trauma when practiced by a licensed, skilled EMDR therapist.

Trauma That Keeps You Stuck in Emotional Pain

Getting Into Relationships With Romantic Partners Who Keep Hurting You
There are many situations that cause people to get retraumatized in their lives.  One of them is when people keep getting into relationships with romantic partners who hurt them.  Why does this keep happening to certain people over and over again?  Is it just bad luck or is there something deeper going on?


Of course, every situation is different, but it's often true that when someone keeps getting into relationships with people who cause them emotional pain, they're unconsciously repeating an old pattern from their childhood.  This phenomenon usually involves unresolved childhood trauma that keeps getting repeated in one relationship after the next.

It's usually hard to see this phenomenon on your own and it's even harder to try to change it by yourself without help from a skilled psychotherapist.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized example, which is a composite of many different psychotherapy cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Susan
By the time Susan came to therapy, she was at her wit's end.  Her two-year relationship with Sam was falling apart, and she came to our psychotherapy consultation hoping she could find out what she was doing "wrong" so she could save her relationship.

Originally, Susan wanted to attend couples counseling, but Sam wanted no part of this.  He came to the consultation because she begged him to, but he made it clear that he wasn't interested in couples counseling.  In fact, 10 minutes into the consultation, he dropped a bomb by telling Susan that he wanted "out" and he was waiting until our appointment to let her know so that Susan would have a place to deal with the emotional aftermath of their breakup.  And, having said that, Sam stood up, gave Susan back her apartment keys and left the session, leaving Susan in tears.

I wish I could say that this is very unusual during a consultation.  But, unfortunately, this wasn't the first time that two people came in to talk about their relationship where one person used the session to bail out.

After I helped Susan to calm down, she said that, although she was surprised, this wasn't totally out of character for Sam, and he had a way of bailing out when the going got tough.  Their dynamic would be that she would pursue him when he left and take all the blame for their relationship not working.

Apparently, Sam never had to take any responsibility.  They just resumed their relationship with Susan "walking on eggshells," hoping that Sam wouldn't leave again.

When this happened during the consultation, Susan wanted to pursue Sam again, but she agreed to stay to talk about what happened.

They reconciled after Susan's first session.  But during the next month, Sam was in and out of their relationship on a weekly basis whenever things got tense.  Susan was working in therapy to change her behavior so that she wasn't continually graveling before Sam.

In our therapy sessions, she began to realize, for the first time, how awful she was being treated by Sam.  She also became exhausted with their on again/off again relationship until, finally, she decided that she just couldn't do it any more, and she allowed him to leave without pursuing him again.

Without the chaos, we were able to explore how this dynamic, which went on in her prior romantic relationships, was a recreation of her relationship with her father, who was a cold distant man.  He would manipulate Susan's mother and Susan by constantly threatening to leave the family when he didn't get his way.

This resulted in Susan's mother allowing him to use the family savings for very risky business ventures which usually failed and left the family on the brink of financial disaster.  Susan's mother was so afraid of the father abandoning her and Susan that she would give in to his outlandish schemes.

Susan grew up to be an anxious child who had nightmares of her father leaving her stranded in the middle of nowhere.  She was so afraid of being abandoned by her father that, even at the young age of five, she would take on the blame for whatever her father was angry about.

Children at that age often blame themselves for their parents' problems, and Susan was no exception. The problem was that there was no one to tell her that she wasn't to blame.  Her mother was too overwhelmed and preoccupied with accommodating the father, so she wasn't emotionally available to comfort Susan.  And Susan's father was too narcissistic to feel any empathy for Susan.  He was mostly concerned about getting his way.

So, when Susan began dating, she continually chose men who were like her father because these men were familiar.  It was also her way, in an unconscious effort, to try to have a different outcome than what she experienced as a child.  In other words, she was still trying to be the "good girl" in her relationship who would be so good, kind and accommodating that her boyfriend would love her and never leave her.  Except it never worked out that way because these men were too self involved and didn't have the capacity to be part of a loving relationship.  So, these relationships didn't end well.

When Susan was able to see that she was repeating the same pattern over and over again, it was an eye-opening experience for her.  But she felt it would be impossible for her to change.

We began talking about EMDR, a trauma therapy that was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.  And she agreed to try it.  After spending several sessions developing internal resources and coping skills, we began our EMDR work on the current situation but focusing more on the older trauma that was getting emotionally triggered in Susan's relationships as an adult.

As we worked through her emotional trauma, Susan began to feel more confident and less burdened by her traumatic past.  With EMDR, she was able to work through the current and prior trauma so she  was free of her traumatic past.

EMDR Therapy 
EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing isn't magical.  But I have found it to be one of the most effective forms of trauma therapy--much more effective than regular talk therapy.

Many of the clients that come to see me for psychotherapy have had a lot of talk therapy and they have developed intellectual insight into their problems.  But they haven't healed and they continue to be affected by their trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck and in emotional pain, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed psychotherapist who is an EMDR practitioner.

About me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 3: The Consultation

In prior blog articles, I discussed the common fears that many people have when they consider attending psychotherapy to recover from emotional trauma as well as how to find a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma (see links below to these article).  In this blog article, I would like to focus on how to handle a psychotherapy consultation with a trauma specialist.

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma

As I've mentioned in prior articles, I consider the first session with a new client to be a consultation, whether they're coming for trauma therapy or not.  The consultation is an opportunity for both the client and the therapist to find out if they would be a good match.

Providing the Therapist With An Overview of the Problem During a Psychotherapy Consultation
When clients call me for a consultation, I usually let them know that I will be asking them during our first session for an overview of their problem and what they would like to get out of therapy.

The reason why I only ask for an overview is because I want enough information to have an idea of what the presenting problem is for a particular client, but I don't want the client to feel overwhelmed at the end of the session because they feel they have divulged too much to a stranger.

Providing the Therapist With An Overview of the Problem During the Therapy Consultation

I assure them that I can (and I have) helped clients with all different types of trauma, and so I can hear anything.  But, very often, when people start talking about their trauma, especially if they delve into it very deeply too early on, they often get emotionally triggered.  If this happens, it can be a frightening experience for the client, and it might actually make them too afraid to pursue therapy.

So, no actual trauma work is done during a consultation.  It's a meeting where you and the therapist meet for the first time and see if you're comfortable with each other.  It's understood that most clients have some level of discomfort and a certain amount of ambivalence about starting therapy.  But beyond that, you want to get a sense of whether or not you feel a rapport with the therapist.

I want people who come to see me for therapy to feel safe emotionally.  It's of the utmost importance to me that people leave my office feeling emotionally intact and not overwhelmed and emotionally vulnerable.  So, an overview is usually a safe place to start.

Ask the Therapist Questions
To get the most out of your consultation with a psychotherapist, I recommend that you think about what's important to you with regard to working with a therapist before your first appointment.  I suggest that you write down your questions to help you use the time you have in your first session well.

What Kinds of Questions Are Helpful to Ask to a Trauma Therapist?
Of course, everyone is different in terms of what they want to know, but generally, it's a good idea to ask:

• Are you a licensed psychotherapist (never do trauma work with anyone who isn't licensed)?
• How long have you been a practicing therapist?
• What is your expertise in trauma?
• What type of advanced training do you have with regard to trauma treatment?
• How much experience do you have working with clients who have the same type of problem

What Kinds of General Questions Are Helpful to Ask a Therapist?

• Which graduate school did you attend?
• How long have you been practicing?
• What are your specialties?
• What is your fee?
• What is your cancellation policy?

I'm sure you might have other questions that you're interested in, but these are the most common basic questions for a psychotherapy consultation.

What If You're Not Sure After One Consultation?
If you're not sure whether or not you want to see a particular therapist after one consultation, you can ask if you can have a second consultation.  You might also want to meet a few therapists, although many people find it diffiult to go through this process a few times with different therapists, so this is up to the individual.

It's best to go with your gut feeling in these matters.  You don't need to worry about hurting the therapist's feelings if you decide you want to choose a different therapist.  Most experienced therapists know that not all therapists are for all clients, so they won't take it personally.  You're the one who has to feel comfortable.

Getting Help
Many people who have emotional trauma procrastinate in getting help.  In the meantime, their emotional trauma often has a detrimental impact on their lives.

Getting Help

Rather than continuing to suffer with anxiety and shame, get help from an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise with trauma so you can overcome your trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is working with emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (212 726-1006 or send me an email: josephineolivia@aol.com

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 1: Common Fears

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 2: Finding a Trauma Therapist

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Therapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 2

In my last blog article, Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Overcome Trauma - Part 1, I explored some of the common fears that many people have that keep them from getting the help they need to overcome emotional trauma (see link to article below).  In this article, I'll focus on how to find a licensed psychotherapist who is a trauma expert.

Overcoming Fear of Therapy to Overcome Trauma

Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Are Effective Forms of Therapy For Trauma
As a psychotherapist who is a trauma expert, I've found that Somatic Experiencing and EMDR are effective forms of trauma therapy for most people.

Both Somatic Experiencing (SE) and EMDR tend to be more effective than regular talk therapy to overcome trauma.

Somatic Experiencing and EMDR are being used effectively in the US and all over the world for people who want to overcome emotional trauma.

I've included links to prior blog articles that I've written (below) that explain how to choose a psychotherapist, and what EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are.  I've also included the professional websites for Somatic Experiencing and EMDR that provide international directories of therapists as well as links to books by Peter Levine, Ph.D., who developed SE and Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., who developed EMDR.

Seeing a Licensed Psychotherapist is a Must 
My recommendation, and I can't stress this enough, is that you seek a licensed psychotherapist.

There are trauma therapists who are listed on the Somatic Experiencing website who are not licensed psychotherapists.  They have learned how to do Somatic Experiencing and they might be certified, but they aren't licensed therapists and don't have experience doing psychotherapy.

Licensure in various states can vary.  In New York City and most other states, you can't call yourself a psychotherapist unless you have a license.  If you're not sure what type of licensure they have, ask.

Being certified as an SE therapist is not the same as being a licensed psychotherapist.  Being a certified SE therapist (or SEP) means a person has attended all the workshops and attended the required number of supervisory sessions and personal SE sessions to get certified by the SE Training Institute.

Also, a person might be licensed as a bodyworker or massage therapist and become certified as a SEP, but they are not licensed psychotherapists.  This is not to say that these individuals aren't knowledgeable.

But if the trauma work goes beyond a certain clinical depth, they will have to refer you to work with a licensed psychotherapist who is a Somatic Experiencing psychotherapist because they are not allowed to work outside the scope of their knowledge.  

That will mean that you will have t start over with someone else.  There are enough licensed psychotherapists who are excellent SE therapists that you can find, certainly in NYC and on the West Coast.

With regard to EMDR, at least when I was trained several years ago, you could not learn EMDR unless you were a licensed psychotherapist, so you are much less likely to encounter this issue.  But, once again, if you're not sure, ask.

In my next blog article, I'll discuss the first session with a psychotherapist, which I recommend that you consider as a consultation.

About Me

As a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist, I work with individual adults and couples.

I specialize in working with emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Articles From My Psychotherapy Blog:

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 1: Common Fears

How to Choose a Psychotherapist

Overcoming the Freeze Response Related to Trauma with Somatic Experiencing

What is EMDR: Big T and Small T Trauma

Somatic  Experiencing and EMDR Information With US and International Directories:
Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute

EMDR International Association and Directory

Books
Book About SE: Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences - by Peter Levine, Ph.D.

Book About SE: In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restore Goodness - by Peter Levine, Ph.D.

Book About EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: Basic Principals, Protocols and Procedures - by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.

Book About EMDR: Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life With Self Help Techniques From EMDR Therapy - by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.

Overcoming Fear of Attending Trauma Therapy

It's a sad fact that millions of people throughout the world suffer with emotional trauma and never get professional help from a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma.  

Whether it's trauma that originated in childhood or trauma due to war, terrorist attacks, sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse, or trauma due to natural disaster, there are millions of people who either don't have access to trauma therapy or who have access but are too afraid to attend trauma therapy.

Overcoming Fear of Attending Trauma Therapy

In the US, Europe, Latin America and many other parts of the world, we are fortunate to live during a time when there's a variety of effective forms of trauma therapy to choose from to help people to overcome emotional trauma.  These include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing.

But even though there is effective treatment available for trauma, too many people are afraid to get the help they need and they continue to suffer needlessly.   

Why Are So Many People Afraid to Attend Psychotherapy to Overcome Emotional Trauma?

The reasons for people's fear vary, but include:

• a fear that the therapist will plunge them back into the traumatic experience and they will feel overwhelmed
• a fear that they will be blamed for their trauma and the therapist will see them as being "bad"
• a fear that some part of the traumatic experience that they might not remember will emerge and they'll "fall apart"
• a fear that they'll have nightmares that will overwhelm them
• a fear that they'll feel helpless in therapy
• a fear that their own poor sense of self will be confirmed by the therapist
• a fear of going to a new therapist based on bad experiences with prior therapists
• a fear of the unknown

I'm sure there are many other fears that people have that I've left out, but the ones I've given above tend to be among the most common fears that I hear about when clients come to see me about their emotional trauma.

These are common fears that many people have when they're considering going to therapy to overcome trauma.

Although unfortunate, it's understandable that traumatized people are often too afraid to seek the treatment that they need.  But there are ways to make the process a lot less frightening, starting with finding a psychotherapist who is a trauma expert and asking for a consultation to find out how the therapist works.  

What do I mean by this?  Well, many people have a misconception that they will have to delve deeply into their trauma history on Day One in therapy.  But this isn't true.  

A skilled clinician, who is a trauma expert, will make sure that before any processing of the trauma begins, the client has the internal resources or coping skills to do the work.  Also, he or she will know that it takes time to build trust and a rapport, which is necessary for any client, but especially for clients with trauma, to feel comfortable.

In upcoming blog articles, I'll provide recommendations on how to seek a referral to a trauma therapist, how to handle the first session which, in my opinion, should be considered a consultation rather than a session to do trauma work directly, and ways to make the process feel much safer emotionally.

About Me

As a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist, I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Attending Psychotherapy to Recover From Trauma - Part 2: Finding a Trauma Therapist

A Therapist's Thoughts About "John," a Book By Cynthia Lennon

Having recently read "John," a book about John Lennon by his first wife, Cynthia Lennon, I was quite moved.  I would recommend this book highly to people who are curious about John Lennon and would like to know more about the personal history of this creative genius based on Cynthia's account.

A Therapist's Thoughts About "John"

John Lennon the Man vs John Lennon the Icon

As most people know, John Lennon and the Beatles were idolized by millions.  They achieved unimaginable success as a group. 

When we idealize people to such a degree, we place them on high pedestals from which they can only fall when their personal lives are scrutinized with such detail from childhood to death.  

As a young girl growing up during Beatlemania, I was one of the millions who idolized the Fab Four and loved their music, and I still love their music.  

So, as an adult, I hesitated, at first, to read "John" because I wondered if I would be disillusioned by Cynthia's account of John the Man, a husband and a father, as opposed to the revered public persona of John Lennon the Icon.

But, as soon as I began reading Cynthia Lennon's book, I realized that she gives quite an empathic account of John's life and her marriage to John.  

Given the circumstances of their life together and the aftermath of their relationship, based on her account, I don't think many people could have blamed her if she did otherwise.  But, to her credit, she seems to present a balanced picture of a man with early trauma, who is thrust into the spotlight at such a young age, seemingly unprepared for what fame would bring.  

I already "knew" certain aspects of his life that had received a lot of publicity before and after his death--or, at least, as much as anyone can "know" things about such a famous person that you've never met.  

I knew that he lost his mother as a teenager.  I also knew that his father was not around much when he was a young boy and then, presumably, disappeared from his life later on until after John became famous.  I'd heard stories that his Aunt Mimi, who raised him, was not a nurturing figure in his life.  

I had also already read stories and heard accounts that when he left Cynthia to be with Yoko Ono, he had little contact with his first son, Julian Lennon.  For me, this was one of the hardest aspects of his life to reconcile with the public persona of John Lennon, who advocated for peace and love.  

Of course, everyone has conflicting aspects to his or her personality.  So, this isn't so much a criticism of John as it is an observation that he was human, after all and, like all of us, had human flaws.

Transgenerational Trauma

But, as a psychotherapist reading about how John left his first son, Julian, based on Cynthia's account, I couldn't help looking at the transgenerational trauma that occurred when his father left him and when he left Julian.  

For a son, losing a father as a young boy is a major loss and an emotional trauma.  I often see psychotherapy clients who have lost one or both parents at a young age who vow that they will never abandon their children because they love them and they don't want to see them hurt in the same way.  But, so often, many of these same parents end up abandoning their children due to whatever unresolved trauma and unconscious internal turmoil that is going on within them.  

This happens in so many ways, big and small.  Many young adults will say, "I never want to be like my father" or "I never want to be like my mother" and they mean this sincerely.  

But then, as older adults, they often find themselves doing the exact thing their mother or father did that hurt them and that they said they would never do.  Usually, this occurs because of their own unconscious internal conflicts.  And this is how transgenerational trauma is perpetuated, usually on an unconscious level, from one generation to the next.

John Lennon - Genius and Complex Person

Having never met John Lennon, I'm not going to presume to say what might or might not have gone on in his mind.  In Cynthia's book, "John," he is presented as a complex person with many conflicting, and seemingly unintegrated, parts to his personality.  

My impression is that Cynthia never thought John would leave her in the way that he did or abandon their child.  

As a psychotherapist, I have worked with many clients who are often stunned by similar behavior by a spouse or lover.  This can be one of the most devastating and traumatic experiences of a person's life--when you think you know your spouse or partner so well and then he does something so hurtful that you can hardly believe he's the same person you thought you knew.

It's not easy putting your life back together again after such a crushing blow, which makes Cynthia Lennon's resilience and resourcefulness all the more impressive.

I've included a link below for Part 1 of "John" which is narrated by Cynthia Lennon.  I hope you will enjoy it.

About Me

As a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist, I work with individual adults and couples.  

One of my specialities is working with trauma, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my blog article:  Psychotherapy and Transgenerational Trauma

Are You Thinking About Going to Therapy? How Do You Know When the Time is Right?

Knowing when it's time to begin psychotherapy isn't always easy for people, especially if they have misconceptions about therapy and who attends therapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Are You Thinking About Going to Therapy? How Do You Know When the Time is Right?

People Are Better Informed About Psychotherapy These Days, So There is Less of a Stigma to Attending Therapy
Fortunately, there is less of a stigma attached to attending psychotherapy now than there used to be even 10 or 15 years ago because, generally, people are better informed about therapy.  But there are still people who assume that only "crazy people" need to attend therapy or that people who attend therapy are "weak."  These are big misconceptions about therapy and who should attend psychotherapy (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak).

In reality, psychotherapy is a common form of treatment that is used by people who are quite sane, but who need help to overcome certain obstacles in their lives that they've been unable to overcome on their own.

Keys to Knowing When to Seek Help From a Licensed Psychotherapist:

• You've Tried to Work Out Your Problems On Your Own, But Your Problems Remain Unresolved:  One of the keys to knowing when to seek help from a licensed psychotherapist is when you've tried to work out your problems on your own, but nothing that you've done so far has worked.  Self care is very important--eating nutritious food, getting enough rest, and engaging in exercise that's right for you.  But there are certain problems that don't go away with just self care, and you need the expertise of a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome your problems.

• You've Talked to Loved Ones About Your Problems, But Nothing Has Changed:  Another key to knowing when to attend therapy is after you've talked to friends and loved ones about your problems, but nothing has changed. While it's very important to have a strong emotional support system, there are times when your loved ones cannot help you to overcome your emotional problems because they don't have objectivity or the psychological expertise to help you.  That's when you can benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist.

• You've Read Self Help Books, But You Still Have Problems:  Self help books can be helpful to a certain extent.  They often provide you with simple tips for getting through the day and managing your problems, which is important.  But the problem is that self help books are written in a general way, and there's no way that the author can know your particular problem.  While you might get good advice, if you're still in emotional pain, you need to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional.

• You've Spoken to Your Medical Doctor, But Your Emotional Problems Persist: Many people start by talking to their medical doctors about their emotional problems.  This is often a good idea if there's some question as to whether your problems are related to a medical problem.  For instance, if you're having headaches, you can't just assume that it's stress.  It could be related to a medical issue.  Once your doctor has ruled out that your problems aren't of a medical nature and, in fact, the problems are of a psychological nature, it's important to get help from an experienced therapist who has expertise in your particular problem.

• You've Tried Medication, But You're Still in Emotional Pain: The pharmaceutical companies have been doing a lot of advertising on TV, the Internet, and magazines.  The impression that many people are left with is that you just pop a pill and you'll be cured.  This appeals to anyone who wants a "magic bullet" to cure their problems.  But usually, it's more complicated than that.  There are times when psychotropic medication has been shown to be no more effective than a placebo.  There are also many people who don't like the side effects of medication.  This doesn't mean that people should stop taking their medication.  What it does mean is that it's often not the answer to solving people's emotional pain.  And, even when psychotropic medication is effective, research has shown that the combination of psychotherapy and medication tends to be the most effective in working through psychological problems.

Getting Help in Therapy
I usually recommend that clients come in for a consultation before we begin to work together.  This gives both of us a chance to meet and see if we are a good match.  You might not be able to tell from one session, but I usually encourage people to trust their instincts when they're choosing a therapist, and also to choose a therapist who has expertise in the particular area where you're having a problem.

When you call to make an appointment for a consultation, you can ask about a therapist's expertise and experience.

I've also included a link for an article (below) about common misconceptions about psychotherapy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Read my article:
Common Myths About Psychotherapy

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

Negative self talk can become so automatic and persistent that you don't even realize that you're sabotaging your own efforts by giving yourself negative messages.  When negative self talk becomes so habitual, the more you engage in it, the more you reinforce this negativity.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

What is Negative Self Talk?
Everyone has his or her own version of negative self talk.

Some people compare themselves to others unfavorably to others and then tell themselves that that they could never measure up to these other people.

Here are some examples:

• Comparing yourself to pictures of models in magazines and then berating yourself for being overweight or being as attractive as the models
• Comparing how much money you make to other people's high income, and telling yourself that you'll never have financial success
• Comparing other people's success and telling yourself that you'll never amount to anything

Aside from comparing yourself unfavorably to others, there are many other kinds of negative self talk that can act as an saboteur:

• Criticizing yourself when your efforts don't bring success immediately rather than trying again
• Telling yourself that you're unlovable or worthless
• Telling yourself that you're stupid

And so on

Where Does This Negative Self Talk Come From?
For many people, negative self talk starts in their family of origin.  If they had a critical parent when they were growing up, they internalized these negative messages.  Then, as adults, they continued to give themselves the same messages--often without even realizing it.

How Can You Change Negative Self Talk?

• Becoming More Self Reflective and Aware

The first step to changing negative self talk is to become aware that you're doing it.   In order to become more aware, you need to become more self reflective and begin to pay attention to your internal self talk.

Do you offer yourself encouragement or discouragement?

Step back and observe yourself.

If you realize that you've developed a persistent habit of being self critical, you need to also be aware that this habit is an obstacle in your path.

• Admitting to Yourself that Your Negative Self Talk is a Problem

Once you've become aware of your problem, the next step is to start making the connection between your negative self talk and the consequences that it has had in your life.

While external factors might play a role in your feeling stuck, in order to change, you need to also admit to yourself that you're sabotaging yourself.

• Taking Action to Change

Once you've become aware and admit to yourself that your persistent negative self talk has become an obstacle for you, you need to take action to change.  Awareness alone, although a very important first step, isn't enough.

Begin to challenge yourself, whenever you engage in negative self talk, as if you were someone else questioning your own negativity.  Ask yourself for objective evidence that what you're telling yourself is true.  Engage in your own internal debate.

Ask yourself what a good friend, who knows you well, might tell you.

"Act as if" the negative self talk isn't true.  So, for instance, if you're telling yourself that you'll never be able to complete a project for work, acknowledge that this is how you're feeling, but put that aside and act as if you can.

In my opinion, "acting as if" is different from "fake it 'til you make it" because by"acting as if," you'll eventual discover that you're not faking it at all--you're really doing it.

By "acting as if," you're opening yourself up to new possibilities both within yourself as well as in external your world.

Getting Help in Therapy
If these tips for overcoming negative self talk don't work for you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

For many people, negative self talk is linked to childhood trauma where there was emotional and/or physical abuse.  As a result, the trauma keeps getting triggered in their lives now as an adult and often shows up in negative self talk.

There are licensed psychotherapists who specialize in providing therapy to overcome trauma, and finding a therapist with expertise in trauma can help you to work through the trauma and also help you to stop engaging in negative self talk.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome the effects of trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.