Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?

When you're in a relationship, one of the most difficult decisions you might have to make is whether you should stay or go.

Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?

Every relationship has its ups and downs. It's not unusual to go through rough patches, especially in the course of a long-term relationship. 

 Many couples weather these rough patches and their relationships are ultimately strengthened for having gone through a difficult time in an otherwise good and stable relationship. 

 But there are times when it's not always so clear whether the emotionally healthy response is to persevere in the relationship or whether it's time to leave. This dilemma might be further complicated by whether the couple has small children, particular religious views, complicated economic factors or an overall ambivalence about the relationship.

No One Knows Better than You What It's Like to Be in Your Relationship

Of course, no one can tell you what's right for you. Well-meaning friends and family members might give advice but, ultimately, no one really knows what it's like for you to be in your relationship, except you. 

There are certain circumstances where it's clear that you need to leave. For instance, if either you or your children are in danger due to domestic violence, you have a right and responsibility to protect yourself and your children from harm. But many other problems in relationships aren't so clear.

Dealing with Infidelity

When there have been serious breaches in trust, it's often hard to know if trust and confidence in the relationship can be restored. 

For instance, when one or both people have cheated, this usually does significant damage to the relationship. Some couples are able to work through this problem, but many others don't. Another complicated problem is when there have been lies or manipulation about money. 

 How do you know if your partner will change? Can you forgive him or her over time or will there always be doubt, worry, and anger that it could happen again. These aren't easy questions to answer.

See my article:  Coping with Infidelity

Are You Afraid to Be Alone?

Are you afraid to be alone and, if so, how much of a factor is this in your decision to stay or leave the relationship? Are you afraid of being lonely? Do you have doubts that you'll ever meet anyone else again and you'll be alone forever? How much is a possible lack of self confidence factoring into your decision process?

Are You and Your Spouse Drifting Apart in Your Relationship?

Over the course of a long-term relationship, many people start to drift apart. They might be living in the same household, but they're emotionally disengaged. A certain amount of denial may have set in where one or both people avoid dealing with this problem. Over time, this experience can leave you feeling empty and emotionally unfulfilled. Is it possible to revive your relationship? Are you and your spouse both willing to try? Or has this situation eroded the relationship to the point where it can no longer be revived?

An Emotional Dilemma

It's impossible to raise all the possible problems and questions in one blog post that might be a part of your decision as to whether you should stay or leave your relationship. One important thing to realize is that you're not alone in your emotional dilemma. Many people have faced this challenging and heart breaking problem in their relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help, sooner rather than later, can make a significant difference to you and your partner. Working with a couples counselor that you both feel comfortable with often helps. The couples counselor can't tell you what to do, but a skilled couples counselor can facilitate the communication process so that you can either work through your problems, if they're workable, or separate in the most amicable way possible..

What if your spouse refuses to participate in couples counseling? It's not unusual for one person to be willing and the other person to refuse. 

 The decision to start couples counseling isn't easy, and the thought of talking to a stranger about intimate problems can be daunting. 

If your spouse is unwilling to even come to a consultation with a couples counselor, you can seek help on your own. 

 In fact, many people seek help in individual therapy because they want to try to figure out for themselves first how they feel before they begin couples counseling. For other couples where the dynamic between them is so heated and contentious, they each need to go to individual therapy for a period of time because nothing productive can be accomplished together in couples counseling.

Taking the First Step 

Taking the first step is often the hardest part. 

Couples counseling or individual psychotherapy is a commitment and this often scares people off from taking that first step to get help. But rather than getting overwhelmed before you start, you can set up a consultation without any obligation to continue if you and/or your partner don't want to continue. 

You might consider meeting with a couple of therapists to see which one feels most comfortable to work with on your relationship issues. The important thing is to take the first step.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples. I have helped many people, both individuals and couples, to work through problems in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?

Hypnosis and Creative Visualization for Stress Management

As long as we're alive we will experience stress. We cannot eliminate stress from our lives, nor would we want to. A healthy level of stress gets us through the day and helps us to achieve our goals. 

Hypnosis and Creative Visualization for Stress Management

What causes problems for people is not stress itself. Rather, it's our negative reactions to stress, our distress, that often cause emotional and physical problems. 

A combination of clinical hypnosis and creative visualization often help to allow us to relax and calm our minds and bodies. As part of my work with psychotherapy clients, I usually teach them to use creative visualization and self hypnosis to feel more relaxed and refreshed.

Hypnosis and Creative Visualization
As I've mentioned in a previous blog post, all hypnosis is really self hypnosis. 

When I say this I mean that, even when a hypnotherapist is guiding you through the hypnotic process, you're own body and mind are doing the hypnotic work--not the hypnotherapist. 

With regular practice, self hypnosis is a skill that most people can develop. Some people go into the hypnotic state more easily than others. But my experience has been that most people can enter the hypnotic state, once they learn how. 

Hypnosis is usually very relaxing and refreshing, There's nothing mysterious or magical about the hypnotic state. In fact, we all enter into various levels of the hypnotic state or trance everyday when we day dream.

Creative visualization is also a skill that most people can learn, even people who insist that they don't see anything when they close their eyes and try to visualize. 

Often, there are misunderstandings about what is meant by visualizing. Some people think that if they're not seeing strong images, they're not visualizing. So, once again, if you're able to have day dreams and night dreams, which most people do, more than likely, you'll be able to develop this skill with practice.

Creative visualization can be used not only to relax. It can be used to help improve your mood, to achieve a goal, to improve your health, and it has many other benefits. For instance, athletes use creative imagery all the time to improve their athletic skills.

An Example of Creative Visualization
As an example, if you've ever watched an Olympic diving competition, you might have noticed that divers usually stand on the edge of the diving board for a few seconds with their eyes closed before they do their dives. 

During that time, they're doing a mental rehearsal of their dives, visualizing and proactively experiencing in their bodies how they want to execute the dive before they actually do it. They've been trained by their coaches that this mental rehearsal substantially improves the possibility of executing a flawless dive. Other professional athletes, including tennis players, baseball players and others also know the value of using creative visualization as part of their training to improve their game.

Combination of Clinical Hypnosis and Creative Visualization Can Be Empowering
The combination of clinical hypnosis and creative visualization can be very empowering. When you're in a hypnotic state, you are engaing a deeper part of yourself, your unconscious mind. Therapeutic work which is done on the unconscious level tends to be more powerful as compared to work done strictly on the conscious or cognitive level where you're only working on the surface.

Visualizing a Relaxing Place
One of the exercises I usually teach clients is using self hypnosis and creative visualization to see and experience themselves in a relaxing place. Once they've learned self hypnosis, they choose a place, either a real place that they know or an imagined place, to experience in the hypnotic state, bringing in as many senses as they can. The sensory experience is key to helping to bring about relaxation. Sensory experiences include noticing what you see, hear, feel, sense, smell, and taste on this imaginary level.



Even if you don't think you don't know how to enter into a self hypnotic state, you can still benefit from taking a few minutes to imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Think of it as entering into a pleasant day dream or reverie and don't get hung up on whether you are or aren't in a hypnotic state. When you choose a relaxing place to day dream about, it should be a place that is unambiguously pleasant. 

So, for instance, if you're thinking about a beach that you love, but you had a big argument with your boyfriend or girlfriend there and that's the image and feeling that predominate for you, don't use that place because it's not going to be relaxing.

Choose a place to practice the relaxing place experience where you can have some quiet time to yourself. Also, make sure that you're in a place where it's safe to close your eyes and relax. So, you would never do this while driving, operating machinery or anywhere where you need to be alert to your surroundings.

When you've found the appropriate time, place to practice, and the image of a relaxing place that's right for you, close your eyes and imagine this place, making your senses as vivid as possible. 

For most people, visualization is their strongest sense. But for some people their imaginary sense of sound, smell, taste or sensation might be more dominant. 

As best as you can, start to notice how relaxing this place is. Often, after just a few minutes, you'll notice that your body starts to relax. This is because of the mind-body connection. Our minds affect our bodies and our bodies affect our minds. So, if you visualize a relaxing place, your mind sends a signal to your body to relax.

For most people who are interested in developing their abilities in self hypnosis and creative visualization, practice and patience are key to improving these skills. Just like any other skill that you develop, it takes time and some effort. But the benefit you derive for managing your reactions to stress can be very rewarding.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including dynamic talk therapy,clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Joy of Being Attuned to Your Inner Child

As a psychotherapist who specializes in doing trauma work, I work with many people who were traumatized as children. This often means doing what John Bradshaw and others have called inner child work. Because this type of trauma work has become so prevalent, I think many people associate the term inner child to a state that is only a reference to trauma. But, being attuned to your "inner child" can also be a source of joy, inspiration, creativity, and happiness.

The Joy of Being Attuned to Your Inner Child

Regaining a Sense of Playfulness and Wonder

Childhood often holds moments of playfulness, openness, and a sense of curiosity and wonder that many people lose when they become adults. If you were fortunate enough to have had a reasonably good childhood with loving parents, your childhood probably had many instances of joy and love. It can be a rich inner emotional resource that you might have forgotten about but that is still available to you.

Rediscovering Your Inner Child and Creativity

As a psychotherapist in New York City, over the years, I've worked with many creative people--writers, composers, and artists--who want to tap into the part of the "inner child" who felt such an aliveness and openness to the world.

Often, they are struggling to overcome their "inner critic," that "voice of negative prediction" that causes creative blocks. Using clinical hypnosis or a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, they can tap into this deep resource.

But you don't have to be involved with artistic endeavors to benefit from becoming attuned to the joy of your "inner child." Feeling alive and open to new possibilities is beneficial to everyone, whether we tap into these feeling states for work, personal relationships or for your own sense of well being.

Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy Can Help to Tap into Creativity and Joy

So, instead of thinking of inner child work as always being about trauma or shame, you can also benefit from the positive aspects of your having been young, open, and playful. A sense of playfulness in our personal lives and in our work can open up a well spring of creativity and joy that you might not even realize you still have available to you.

All of your feeling states are still a part of you. They might not be as easily accessible during your everyday waking consciousness. But learning to access these states with mind-body oriented psychotherapeutic treatment modalities, like clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experiencing, can tap into your unconscious mind where these experiences might have been dormant for many years.

There is much to be gained by being attuned to that part of you that is often referred to as your "inner child." Whether it's resolving trauma, tuning into an openness and sense of wonder, or a combination of these experiences and more, working with the "inner child" can help you to feel more emotionally integrated and vibrant. That sense of being more alive, joyful, inspired, creative and open enables you to lead a more emotionally fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have helped many clients to lead more fulfilling and enriched lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Zest for Life: 85 Years Young and Still Inspired and Inspiring

In my blog post yesterday, Overcoming the "I'm too old to change" Mindset,  I gave a fictionalized composite account of "John," who was in his 50s and used his age as an excuse to cover up his fear of changing. Today, I'd like to focus on my neighbor, Katherine, who, at the age of 85, is still inspired by life and inspiring others. She's an excellent example of someone who is in good health, has a zest for life, and who doesn't use her age as an excuse to avoid change in her life.

A Zest For Life: 85 Years Young and Still Inspired and Inspiring

First, let me say that Katherine isn't her real name. When I asked Katherine permission to discuss her in my blog, she's so modest that she couldn't understand why anyone would be interested in her. Once she got over her surprise, we agreed that I wouldn't use her real name or too much identifying information about her.

When she and I talked about what keeps her open and looking forward to new experiences in life, Katherine told me that she's always been a curious person who wasn't afraid of change throughout her life. She's still healthy, mentally sharp, and enjoys walking a few miles a day and practicing yoga daily. She also said that she doesn't hold grudges and she's learned "not to sweat the small stuff."

Until she retired, Katherine was an elementary schoolteacher for most of her life. Retirement for Katherine doesn't mean sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons. She's still an active volunteer at the local elementary school reading program. She still loves working with children and instilling a sense of curiosity and wonder in her students. She has a strong social network of friends, many of whom are 40 years younger than her and find it challenging to keep up with her pace.

Aside from inheriting healthy genes (both of her parents lived into their 90s), you might think that Katherine has lived a charmed life and this is why she has such a good attitude. But, far from it, Katherine has had her losses and misfortunes, including losing her first husband, the love of her life, to cancer when they were both in their 40s.

This was a loss she thought she'd never get over, but she had teenage children to raise, so she attended psychotherapy to deal with the loss, and she channeled her grief into doing volunteer work with a local cancer organization to help others who lost their loved ones to cancer. She remarried when she was in her 60s and lost her second husband five years ago, which was also a tremendous loss for her.

Aside from losing both husbands, Katherine has outlived many life long friends. She felt strongly about each of these losses, but she was determined that she wouldn't allow these losses to defeat her emotionally. She's one of the most resilient people that I know.

Katherine's attitude toward life is that she takes "each day as it comes," a variation of living "one day at a time." She looks at the changes that life brings as opportunities to learn and grow. At age 85, she knows she's not going to live forever. But rather than worrying about how much longer she might live, she focuses on making whatever time she has worthwhile for herself and others.

And what does Katherine say to people in their 40s, 50s or 60s whose mindset is "I'm too old to change"? She tells them, "Life is short and precious. Live life fully while you can. Learn to change and grow."

At 85 years young, Katherine is still inspired by life and still inspiring others around her. We can all learn a lot from her.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Aging: Overcoming the "I'm Too Old to Change" Mindset

I'm continually amazed when I hear people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s (sometimes even 30s) say they feel they're "too old to change." 

On the other hand, I know people in their 80s and 90s, who are in good health, who look forward to learning new languages, taking classes at their local college, taking up a new hobby, or having new and interesting experiences. 

I had a well-respected colleague in my Somatic Experiencing training who was in her mid-80s, and she was ready to change her traditional way of thinking and working with psychotherapy clients based on her experiences in the training. So, clearly the willingness and ability to change is not dependent upon age.

Aging: Overcoming the "I'm Too Old to Change: Mindset

The "I Can't Change" Mindset
So, why do many people say they can't change because of their age? I suspect it has more to do with a particular mindset that probably develops before someone turns a particular age. This "I can't change" mindset often starts at an early age due to fear and insecurity. Blaming this fear on age becomes an excuse not to overcome this problem.

For some people, it's a deep seated personality problem. For other people, they grew up in families where their parents, grandparents, and beyond were too afraid to make changes so they learned that changing was scary and something to be avoided. Sometimes, when this fear of change is really ingrained, the person might try to cover it up by trying to make it seem like it's an admirable quality rather than a problem, and they cover up their fear defensively, like a "badge of honor." Meanwhile, most people around them (outside of their family) can see through this defensive grandiosity. It's a little like "The Emperor's New Clothes."

The following fictionalized composite vignette is an example of this type of dynamic. All identifying information has been changed:

John:
John grew up in a traditional family. At a young age, he began having problems in school due to undiagnosed ADHD and learning disabilities. His parents, who were very rigid in their thinking, became angry when John's teacher suggested that he might have undiagnosed problems. Even when she tried to explain to them that he had problems focusing in class, poor impulse control, problems with anger management, and dyslexia, they refused to believe it. They refused to allow the teacher to set up any assistance for John. Instead, they tried to drill his lessons into him, which caused him to feel very ashamed.

John spent most of his life trying to hide his problems from others. He became a bully as a way to hide his deep sense of shame and insecurity. In college, rather than getting help, which would have meant changing, he would get his girlfriend to write papers for him or he'd pay someone to do it. Throughout his life, he associated change with dread and he always looked for ways to get around making changes. When he was forced to change, it was extremely hard for him.

After he got married and had children, his oldest daughter was diagnosed with ADHD. John's wife, who was a no-nonsense type of person, told John that their daughter needed help. She brought her to a therapist who specialized in ADHD and also got her help for the daughter's learning disabilities. John was faced with having to learn about ADHD and learning disabilities for the first time in his life. As he read the book about ADHD that his daughter's therapist recommended, he couldn't help seeing that he had many of the same symptoms. But, for him, it was one thing for his daughter to get help and a completely different thing for him to consider getting help.

When he was around his wife, John managed to bite his tongue whenever he felt like he was going to explode in rage. She was clearly in charge at home, and he was intimidated by her. He feared she'd leave him if he ever unleashed the full fury of his temper with her. But his attitude at work was different. By the time he was in his 50s, he supervised several employees and he would bully them and lose his temper with them. He was bored with his job and he would spend a lot of time fantasizing about retirement. But his wife told him, in no uncertain terms, that she wouldn't hear of him retiring until he was at least in his mid-60s. John fumed inwardly about this, but he didn't dare challenge her. Instead, he took it out on his staff, yelling at them and talking to them in a demeaning way.

Then, one day, one of his employees filed a complaint against him, and the human resources department did an investigation. When they interviewed John's staff, everyone backed the employee who filed the complaint. They each told how John would loose his temper and speak to them in an unprofessional and disrespectful way--even after they told him that his behavior made them uncomfortable. When the head of human resources met with John, she gave him of choice of either getting help or losing his job. John felt as humiliated then as he did in school when his teacher told his parents that he needed help. But rather than admit that he was wrong, he told her, "I'm too old to change." She responded by telling him to talk about the consequences with his wife and to get back to her the next day.

When John's wife heard the story, she became livid and told him that he'd better get help because if he lost his job, she's take their daughter and leave him. Their marriage was not ideal, and he wasn't even sure he still loved his wife, but the thought of being alone terrified him more than the possibility of getting help and trying to change how he related to his staff. 

Overcoming the "I'm Too Old to Change" Mindset

So, grudgingly, he began therapy with a therapist who specialized in helping people with ADHD learn better coping skills. He also learned how his family background and his shame about his ADHD and learning disabilities contributed to his fear of change. And, if for no other reason than to keep his job and preserve his marriage, he learned to control his temper with his staff.

As we can see from this vignette, there are often underlying emotional reasons why people say, "I'm too old to change." Until someone is ready to change or they're forced to change, this becomes an excuse to stay stuck. An unwillingness to change often makes life dull and unrewarding with nothing to look forward to any more. It can also create problems in personal or work-related relationships. So, before you try to convince others (or yourself) that you're too old to change, think carefully about what this will mean for yourself and your loved ones.

Being flexible and adaptable makes for a much happier and interesting life as opposed to being rigid and stubborn.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services for individuals and couple, including dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

I've helped many people to overcome their fear of changing, regardless of their age, so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Maintaining a Balanced Life During Early Recovery

Early recovery can be challenging.  It's not unusual for people in early recovery from alcohol or drugs (or other addictive behaviors) to struggle with how to maintain a balance between their recovery activities and life in general.

Maintaining a Balanced Life During Early Recovery

This assumes that individuals are ready to attend 12 Step meetings.  For many people, who have been traumatized emotionally, hearing some of the stories of other people's loss and trauma, can be retraumatizing of them.   For those people, attending therapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with substance abuse and trauma is preferable.

Other people, who are in early recovery and who aren't triggered by going to meetings, are relieved to have a place in 12 Step meetings where they feel understood and they gain a new sense of hope and renewal.


But sometimes, by focusing only on 12 Step meetings, they neglect their primary relationships and responsibilities. The result is that their lives become unbalanced and this often causes conflicts with their families.

Early Recovery Requires Commitment

It's easy to see how things can become so unbalanced.

Early recovery involves a big commitment of time and energy. For many people in early recovery going to 12 Step meetings on a daily basis is the only thing standing in their way to keep them from acting on their cravings for alcohol and/or drugs.

 For them, the 12 Step slogan of "One Day at a Time" might be more like "One Minute at a Time" or "One Second at a Time" as they struggle not to give in to those cravings.

The 12 Step meetings, the fellowship in the meetings, and their sponsors are like life lines. If they're already suffering from substance abuse-related health problems, early recovery activities could be all that's keeping them from death's door.

But the toll this can take on family and close relationships can be huge.

Initially, spouses or partners of people in early recovery are usually so glad that their loved one stopped abusing substances and gotten help. These family members might have been asking and pleading with their loved one to get help for years. But when they see that early recovery activities seem to have taken over their loved one's life, they often feel disappointed and alienated from their loved one.

Whereas before their loved one wasn't available to them because of the substance abuse, now they feel he or she isn't around because of early recovery activities. This can be very disappointing and frustrating. It can lead to arguments as family members ask for more time and attention.

 People in early recovery, in turn, often feel that spouses and family members don't understand. They might begin to shut down emotionally even when they are around their spouses and families. All of this can lead to further alienation and a sense of hopelessness for everyone involved.

Repairing Relationships During Early Recovery

What can be done to repair these relationships and to achieve balance?

Well, to start, the person in early recovery can benefit from talking to people in the 12 Step rooms who have a lot more experience and success in recovery and who have learned to achieve balance in their lives.

Learning to achieve this balance can be a challenge, especially if the person new to recovery might never have led a balanced life before.

A seasoned sponsor can help someone in early recovery to navigate through this challenge to help achieve this balance.

With more experience in recovery, this often happens more easily, as compared to the early stages of recovery.

Spouses and loved ones of people in early recovery can benefit from attending Al-Anon to get support and a sense of hope. Sponsorship is also available to them in Al-Anon.

Getting Help in Therapy
A licensed therapist with expertise in substance abuse and trauma can help clients in recovery to develop the necessary coping skills to maintain a balanced life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

Helping clients with substance abuse and emotional trauma are among my specialities.

To find out more a out me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Turning Lemons into Lemonade For Life's Ordinary Disappointments

There's an old saying about life's everyday disappointments: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Some people have such an extraordinary knack of being able to reframe life's inevitable disappointments to make a negative into a positive. 

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade For Ordinary Disappointments

They are the 10 or so percent of the population who are naturally optimistic. They can find the silver lining in the darkest storm clouds: Stuck in traffic? No problem, it's an opportunity to remember to breathe and relax. 

Their car needs repairs? No problem, it's an opportunity to walk and get more exercise.

Everyday disappointments and frustrations are taken in stride with their naturally positive attitude and resilience. For most of the rest of us, this is a way of being that doesn't come naturally and would need to be cultivated.

Ordinary Disappointments and Frustration

Before I go on, I want to stress that I'm referring to life's ordinary and inevitable disappointments and frustrations. I'm not referring to tragic losses or trauma. 

It would be cruel to expect, for instance, that a parent who loses a child would be looking for a silver lining in this loss--although, there are some very extraordinary people who galvanize themselves and find the strength to help others, even after tragic losses. 

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and other similar groups are examples of this, but the ability to do that is different from reframing a loss or disappointment.

So, how can we learn to "make lemonade" when life gives us lemons? How can we learn to develop this skill that resilient and resourceful people have? And why is it important to learn this life skill?

Well, I'll address the second question first by saying that, on the most basic level, research has shown that people who have an optimistic attitude tend to be healthier and live longer. They feel confident and more in control of their lives. And, generally speaking, they tend to be happier than people who have a more pessimistic outlook on life, so the quality of their lives is better.

As to how to develop a more optimistic attitude, the first step is to have an awareness of how you think and respond to ordinary disappointments. Do you feel angry and defeated or are you able to take an everyday disappointment in stride?

To be able to determine this, you need to be able to step back in a non-defensive way and be honest with yourself. 

At times, this can be challenging, but if you can review in your mind how you handled the last few annoying incidents in your life, all things being equal, you would probably get a good sense of where you are on the optimism/pessimism spectrum. 

And I want to stress that there is a spectrum--it's not a black and white or all or nothing thing. And, of course, there are especially stressful times in life when you can feel overwhelmed and, even the most optimistic person would feel challenged, but I'm not referring to these times.

So, let's say that you've determined that you're someone who gets easily thrown by everyday disappointments and you want to learn to change the way you respond. How do you do that? My recommendation, after you learn to develop an awareness of your habitual pattern is to practice reframing these events for yourself.

Now, if you're a naturally dyed-in-the-wool pessimist, this will be challenging, no doubt about it. 

If the idea of reframing a relatively minor disappointment into a potential opportunity seems impossible for you, you might need to start by using your creative imagination to imagine how an optimistic person might look at it. Suspend disbelief and put yourself in the shoes of an optimistic person to fathom how he or she might reframe an annoyance or disappointment.

Even if, at first, this seems completely foreign to you, chances are that if you practice this diligently, you can change the way you think and respond to life's ordinary downturns. And the ability to reframe these disappointments can help you to be a more resilient and resourceful person who can respond to life in a creative way.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.