How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

Fear of Abandonment is Not as Unusual as You Might Think
Fear of abandonment as an adult is more common than most people would think. As a psychotherapist in NYC, I've worked with many adult clients who come to therapy to overcome this problem. It's not unusual for clients to seek help for this fear after it has become a serious problem in their personal relationships.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Therapy

Fear of Abandonment Shows in Relationships

Often, the fear of being abandoned manifests as an irrational fear that his or her partner (or spouse) will leave the relationship. Usually, the client knows, deep down when he's not in the grips of the fear, that there's no objective reason for this anxiety.

The relationship is often stable and longstanding, and the partner usually is very reassuring that s/he has no intention of leaving. But, for the person who is overcome by a fear of being abandoned, the objective facts and all of the partner's reassurances have little to no effect on his fear.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Therapy

On the face of it, it might not make sense--especially to the person who is struggling with this fear. When he is calm and not in the grips of the fear, he can tell his partner, spouse, therapist as well as himself that his relationship is secure and there's no objective reason for this fear.

And yet, when he has an episode where he is overcome by the fear of being abandoned, the feeling is very real. It's not unusual for his fearful emotions and his more rational thoughts to be diametrically opposed to each other. In effect, his inner thoughts might be saying,"You're fine. You know she won't leave you" while his anxiety continues to escalate with this fear. All of this can be very unsettling and, in some cases, the person might feel that he's losing his mind.

How to Understand Fear of Abandonment

So, how are we to understand this fear of abandonment in an otherwise sane and rational adult? In most cases, the answer lies in one or more seminal events that occurred at a young age.

If, in fact, this person was abandoned, whether it happened literally or in an emotional sense, the trauma of that event (or events) can be triggered in intimate relationships as an adult--even when this person's spouse or partner has given absolutely no indication of abandoning the relationship.

So the fear of being abandoned in these cases is actually of fear for what already happened--not a fear for anything that is going on now.

But because the fear feels so real in the here and now, it can be an emotionally paralyzing experience.

And if it goes on for a while, this person's partner can become annoyed and frustrated that all of his or her reassurances do nothing to mitigate this fear. So, in some cases, it brings about the abandonment that the person fears because it has such a detrimental effect on the relationship.

Getting Help

Over the years, I've worked with many clients to help them overcome the fear of being abandoned. In a future blog post, I'll discuss how the fear of being abandoned can be overcome in psychotherapy.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides a diverse range of services to adult clients, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

See my article:  Psychotherapy: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment - Part 2

Trauma, Dreams and the Healing Power of Somatic Experiencing

Many people, who know about mind-body psychotherapy, know that Somatic Experiencing is one of the most effective and safest ways to work through traumatic memories. But not everyone knows that Somatic Experiencing is also a very effective form of therapy for doing dreamwork on traumatic dreams.

Trauma, Dreams and the Healing Power of Somatic Experiencing

Somatic Experiencing and Dream Work

Usually, when we tell our dreams, we give the narrative and we skim the surface of the emotional content of the dream. Even when I've worked psychoanalytically with dreams, which was my original training, dreams came alive and clients felt healed, but dreams tended to get reduced to various associations related to clients' histories. 

But using Somatic Experiencing to work through dreams related to trauma, we work the dreams using emotional resources that were not part of the original dream. Rather than reducing dreams to certain limited associations, we reenter the dream using the mind-body connection in a resourceful way and we expand the possibilities for reworking the dream to heal the trauma.

Somatic Experiencing as Gentle Therapeutic Treatment for Trauma 

Somatic Experiencing is a gentle therapeutic treatment modality developed by Peter Levine, Ph.D. 

Whether the therapist is working on a traumatic memory or a dream related to the trauma, Somatic Experiencing emphasizes the need for the client to work through the trauma with emotional resources that s/he probably didn't have during the trauma event or in the nightmare about the trauma. 

Rather than going directly to the worst part of the trauma memory or the nightmare (called T-0), Somatic Experiencing starts gently with a more benign part, working its way to T-0 with the emotional resources that were missing before.

What do I mean by this? 

Well, for example, even though we know what actually happened during the traumatic event or in the nightmare and we're not trying to pretend that anything different occurred, working the memory or dream slowly and feeling your emotions in the body in a tolerable way, we experience what it might have been like to have had the emotional resources we needed and didn't have. 

And we experience this in the here-and-now. For instance, what might it have been like to have a trusted loved one, mentor or pet there? Is there something different you would have liked to do in this memory or dream?

You might ask: What good is that going to do if that's not the way it happened? 

The answer is, surprisingly, that when you tell your dream or memory in the present tense, but this time experiencing the narrative with emotional resources you needed at the time, you create a new symbolic memory for yourself and this is healing. 

Of course, you still know what actually happened, but your mind and body experience the healing AS IF it happened the way the dream or memory occurred with these much-needed resources.

I have found Somatic Experiencing to be a gentle, effective and nuanced way of helping clients work through traumatic memories and nightmares.

To Find Out More About Somatic Experiencing
To find out more about Somatic Experiencing, you can read Peter Levine's latest book, In an Unspoken Voice, and his earlier book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.   

Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and EMDR are among the treatment modalities that I use in working with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy: You're Not Defined By Your Diagnosis

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who have been in psychotherapy before. People who have a lot of experience with psychotherapy will often start their initial session by saying, "I'm depressed" or whatever they've been told their diagnosis might be. Whenever I hear this, I often have an internal experience where I feel the weight of this client carrying around this identification and self concept, in some cases, for many years.

You're Not Defined By Your Diagnosis

It's Useful to Know There's a Name for What You Feel

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not completely against diagnoses. If you're a person struggling with depression (or some other diagnosis), it's useful to know that. Knowing that there's a name for what you feel and thousands of other people have similar experiences can be comforting and indicates that you're not alone.

...But Your Diagnosis is Not Your Identity
But taking on a diagnosis as a permanent identity is a different story.  When you say, "I'm depressed" almost like you're saying, "I'm Mary" (if that's your name),it's almost as if you're claiming the symptoms of depression as part of your permanent identity as if it's never going to change. Now, we know that, depression, for instance, can be overcome with treatment, whether it's psychotherapy or the combination of psychotherapy and medication. It's not a permanent part of your identity that can't be changed like, possibly, your ethic background or some other unchangeable part of who you are as a person.

Your Diagnosis Isn't Your Identity

When you strongly identify with and embrace your diagnosis by saying "I'm depressed" as opposed to "I'm a person with depression," you're giving yourself a message that this is who you are and it's not going to change. And the more you say it, the more ingrained it becomes in your mind.

What I'm proposing in this blog post is NOT that people should be in denial about what they're experiencing. Instead, I'm proposing that your relationship to your diagnosis doesn't have to be a permanent one. If the reason you come to therapy is to change, if you're constantly giving yourself the message that you are your diagnosis, it's going to be that much harder to change because you've accepted that this is who you are on the most basic and core level. It's giving yourself the message that you're not going to change.

What I'm discussing, about how people label themselves with diagnoses, is more than semantics. it's a way of thinking and holding onto something that you say you want to change by coming to therapy. So, in a way, the internal message that you're giving yourself contradicts what you're trying to change, so you're at odds with yourself.

It's like the opposite of saying self affirmations. Instead of giving yourself positive messages, you're giving yourself a negative message--over and over, so it becomes part a habitual negative thinking.

This is all aside from the fact that, even though there are diagnostic categories, no two people with depression (or any other diagnosis) are the same. And, of course, you're a whole person who is much more than a diagnosis. So, to limit your self identification to your diagnosis is like putting yourself in a small box. What about all the other wonderful parts of you that aren't related to the diagnosis? It becomes easy to overlook all of those positive aspects when you become overly identified with your diagnosis.

It might take a while to develop this type of awareness about yourself but, in the long run, it's much more affirming to who you are as a complete person, beyond labels.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist with expertise in Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and psychodynamic psychotherapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Stuck in the Middle: What to Do If Your Spouse and Your Parents Don't Get Along

One of the most challenging problems that you can face as a married person is when your spouse and your parents don't get along. This situation puts you in a very awkward position, especially if you're close to your parents and you really love your spouse. You're caught in the middle between them. 

Your Spouse and Parents Don't Get Along

It can be very hard to understand why, if your spouse loves you and your parents love you, they can't get along.  This can place a strain on your marriage and on your relationship with your parents.  Holidays, birthdays, the birth of a child, and family visits can become very stressful for you and everyone involved.  So how you deal with this and maintain your sanity?

First, as much as you can, step back and try to be objective, as if you were a disinterested person observing this situation. 

Are there really clear cut reasons why there's animosity? For instance, do your parents dislike your spouse because he or she is mistreating you?

If your daughter or son were in a similar relationship, would you feel the same way? 

Alternatively, are your parents being unreasonable or are they being too intrusive or overstepping boundaries in your relationship, which is stable and healthy?

These can be difficult questions to ask, especially since there might be things that you don't want to see about your spouse or your parents.

Recognizing that this is a common problem can help you when you feel alone, desperate, and unsure of what to do. 

Whenever two or more people get together, there's the potential for personality conflicts. Just because you love your parents and you love your spouse doesn't mean they'll necessarily love each other.

Obviously, one blog post can't address every possible scenario or permutation of this type of problem, but let's take a look at one possible scenario, which is a composite of many accounts with all identifying information changed:

Lorna:

Lorna was in her early 30s when she and Tom got married. They met through friends, and dated for a couple of years before they decided to get married. They were very in love. Lorna had never met a man who was so kind and considerate of her. They had similar values and they wanted similar things in life.

Overall, they were very happy together. But the one big stressor in their lives was that Lorna's parents disapproved of Tom because he was raised in a different religion. Before they even met Tom, when Lorna talked to them about Tom and they found out he was not raised in their religion, they were upset. Although Lorna had anticipated that they might have concerns, she was surprised by their reaction, especially since neither Lorna, her parents or Tom were active participants in their religions.

Lorna was very close to her parents, and she wanted them to like Tom. Before Lorna and Tom got married, it took a while before her parents agreed to meet him. Then, they were cool and standoffish with him, which hurt Lorna and angered Tom. She hoped that once her parents met Tom, they'd let go of their misgivings and embrace him, as Tom's parents embraced her. But it was a strange and awkward dinner at the restaurant, and her parents made an excuse to leave before dessert, leaving no doubt about how they felt.

After that, it was an uphill battle. When Lorna told her parents that she and Tom were getting married in a civil, non-religious ceremony, at first, her parents refused to come, which upset Lorna very much. It also put a strain on her relationship with Tom and led to arguments when she asked him to consider converting to her religion so they could make peace with her family. This made no sense to Tom, since neither he nor Lorna were spiritual people, and he refused to do it.

Two months before the wedding, Lorna's parents relented and, with heavy hearts, they agreed to come to the wedding. After all, Lorna was their only child. But they let it be known, in no uncertain terms, that they felt Lorna was making a big mistake by marrying outside of her faith, and nothing Lorna could say or do would change their minds.

Fast forward a couple of years: Lorna and Tom moved out of state because of their careers. Lorna had just given birth to their first child, a healthy baby boy, and Lorna's parents were coming to visit. The old issue about religion came up again, as Lorna's parents pressed her as to which religion, if any, Lorna and Tom planned to choose for their child.

Lorna dreaded talking to her parents about this, especially since it wasn't important to her or Tom. Once again, it created tension between Lorna and Tom. 

She tried to convince him, once again, to convert and to raise the baby in her parents' religion. But Tom didn't agree, and he was frustrated that Lorna still couldn't stand up to her parents. And this is what brought Tom and Lorna into marriage counseling. S

he felt torn between her husband and her parents. She was overjoyed with being a new mother, but this ongoing conflict cast a shadow on everything for her.

During their marriage counseling sessions, Lorna and Tom worked out to be more supportive of one another. 

Lorna also learned, with a lot of effort, how to make Tom and the baby a priority and to stand up for herself and for Tom with her parents. 

Once she saw the situation in a clearer way, she felt less conflicted about it. 

Her parents didn't like what she had to say, but they didn't want to lose their only child, so they accepted the situation reluctantly. 

After Lorna stood up to her parents, she felt better about herself and it helped to strengthen her marriage.

Getting Help in Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, the types of conflicts that cause can tension between your spouse and your parents can vary widely. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you're caught between your spouse and your parents, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you or you and your spouse to work it out.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Mind-Body Connection: What is Your Body Telling You?

As a psychotherapist in New York City who is interested in the mind-body connection, I often see clients who want to participate in a mind-body oriented psychotherapy like Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis or EMDR therapy.

Mind-Body Connection: What is Your Body Telling You?

Often, this is a new experience for clients and they need guidance as to how to tune into their bodies to discover what their bodies are trying to tell them. With some practice, most people can learn to tap into the mind-body connection, which is usually a deeper and more reliable source of inner wisdom than just relying on what we think.

Tapping into the Inner Wisdom of the Mind-Body Connection

When clients begin to tap into the inner wisdom of their mind-body connection, they're often amazed at what they discover about themselves. To a certain extent, most of us have accessed this connection at some point in our lives. When we say, "I had a 'gut feeling' " about a certain situation, whether we realize or not, we're tapping into our mind-body connection to access our inner emotional world where we often know intuitively what's right for us.

Somatic Experiencing and EMDR

When we learn to use Somatic Experiencing, with practice, we can often tune into internal images, colors, symbols, and meanings that aren't usually available to us in regular "talk therapy." 

Depending upon what problems clients are coming in to work on, of course, "talk therapy" can be valuable in helping them resolve their issues. However, I usually find that Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, and clinical hypnosis are much more effective in working with trauma than just "talk therapy" alone.

If you're interested in learning more about Somatic Experiencing, I recommend reading either of Peter Levine's books,  In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. Dr. Levine writes in an interesting and accessible way. You can also go to the Somatic Experiencing website: Somatic Experiencing Training Institute to get more information.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist with expertise in clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Your Workplace Stressors Stressing Out Your Family?

In my prior two blog posts, I discussed the bullying boss (Career: Are You a Bully at Work? and Dealing with a Difficult Boss) and how to use Square Breathing (Learning to Relax: Square Breathing) as one way to de-stress at work. Now, I'd like to focus on what you can do if your work stressors are having a negative impact on your family because you're coming home feeling irritable, cranky, worried or in a bad mood. 

Are Your Workplace Stressors Stressing Out Your Family?

Bringing Home Your Work Stress Without Even Realizing It
Without even realizing it, you could be bringing home your work stress in such a way that, without you even saying a word about your job, your spouse and your children are picking up that you're either angry, worried or frustrated and this might be affecting their moods as well. Of course, this isn't your intention. So, what can you do about it?

Are You Bringing Home Your Work Stress Without Even Realizing It?

There's no one-size-fits-all solution to try to inoculate your family from the detrimental effects of your workplace stress. Of course, managing your own stress is optimal with regard to taking care of yourself and your family. 

But what about those times when you come home after a stressful day, and you haven't had time to go to the gym or yoga class before coming home? You get home, you're tired and stressed out and the moment you walk in the door, your spouse, your children, and your barking dogs are all vying for your attention. 

At that point, you might feel so overwhelmed that you're tempted to go right back out the door and keep walking. So, what do you do?

If you're already on your "last nerve," you might lose your temper or do something that you'll regret later. 

Even if you manage to be responsive to your family, you can still feel overwhelmed and they'll often sense your irritability or anger. 

Your anger, frustration and irritability often have nothing to do with them. But you might, unintentionally, take it out on them, adversely affecting your relationships.

Transitional Time Between Work and Home

When clients talk to me about this sort of scenario, I often suggest making an agreement with their families to allow them a certain amount of time to transition from work to home. 

This can mean different things to different people. It usually starts with your being mindful that you've left your workplace and now you're home. 

I know that's not as simple as it sounds, especially since you're walking around with the same mind that's feeling anxious or frustrated by workplace stressors. But being mindful of where you are now--at home--is a start. It's bad enough that you might be under a lot of stress at work, you don't need to prolong it by carrying it around with you and bringing it back home.

So, the transition starts in your own mind. Then, make an agreement with your family agree that, barring an emergency, you need some "time out" before you're bombarded with whatever is going on at home. 

This might mean that you take a calming shower or bath or you spend a few quiet minutes to yourself--or whatever works best for you. The point is that whatever helps you to distinguish, on an emotional level, between when you were at work and where you are now, at home, will allow you to take that space that gets you through the transition.

When you're discussing this "time out" that you need, being specific about the amount of time (15 minutes? a half hour?) is better than giving vague notions about what you need. And don't expect that you or they will get it perfectly the first few times. Habitual patterns are often difficult to change. You might need to tactfully reinforce your agreement with reminders.

The Importance of Self Care

Now, you might wonder why, if I started this blog post by discussing how your workplace stress could be affecting your family, I've been focusing on you and not your family. 

Well, the point is that you need to take care of yourself first before you take care of your family. It's just like when you're on a plane and flight attendants demonstrate safety measures: They always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you put the mask on your child. 

Why? Because you'll be absolutely no good to your child if you haven't taken care of yourself first. So, the same applies in the workplace vs home situation: Take care of yourself first by de-stressing and you'll be better able to help your family.

Not only will you be accomplishing your intention of de-stressing yourself and taking care of your family, you'll also be showing by example that taking care of oneself is important and there are simple and effective ways to do it.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist with expertise in clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

When clients come to see me about work stressors, one of the most common complaints I hear is that they work in stressful and negative work environments with bullying managers. In addition to hearing about bullying managers, I also see clients who are in managerial positions who feel frustrated with employees. 

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

There's no doubt that managers often have to deal with difficult employees. However, very often, these same managers have no insight into how their negative style of management and communication affects their dynamic with employees.

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

One of the biggest mistakes managers make with employees is having dictatorial or bullying style of management. Managers who are bullies usually think the only way they can get their employees to work is through intimidation. They create a negative work environment by treating their employees like they're children. Often, they have no awareness or insight that this is what they're doing until we begin discussing in their therapy sessions why their employees seem unmotivated and less effective than employees in other units.

Bullying Often Results From Emotional Security 

More often than not, their own emotional insecurity is what drives their bullying style of management. They don't feel confident that they can get the best from their employees unless they use their position of authority to try to infantilize their workers. Without a doubt, this creates resentment, which leads to a demoralized and unmotivated staff. Not only is it counterproductive with regard to what the manager is trying to accomplish, at times, in the worst case scenarios, it can lead to lawsuits for the manager and the company in the more egregious cases. It's usually a lose-lose situation.

Bullying is an Ineffective Management Style

In the short term, a bullying or negative manager might be able to intimidate employees to do what he or she wants, especially during this protracted recession where there's a shortage of jobs. But, in the long term, bullying and intimidating employees is not an effective way of creating a productive and positive work environment. And, even for the most hard boiled manager, who might not care if the work environment is positive or not, it's usually not effective with regard to advancing his or her own career with senior management if the manager perceived as someone who bullies employees.

So, if this negative and punitive style of management tends to be ineffective in the long run, why do certain managers persist in doing it? Well, there are so many reasons that one blog post is insufficient. But one reason, as I mentioned previously, is that this style usually comes from a deep sense of personal inadequacy. The bullying manager tries to cover up his or her emotional insecurities by trying to intimidate subordinates.

Bullying and "Divide and Conquer" Tactics

Another reason is that, rather than taking the long view with regard to creating a positive work environment, which requires more of an effort as compared to barking out orders to employees, the bullying manager is short sighted. His or her goals are short term. Rather than focusing on team building, the bullying manager will often engage in "divide and conquer" tactics among employees. These managers often have deep seated fears that creating a team approach would lead to a "mutiny" against him or her.

The Bullying Boss as "Lord of the Manor"

Lack of the appropriate skill set and inexperience are also contributing factors that contribute to a bullying style of management. Often, the inexperienced or unskilled manager feels that the only thing he or she has to rely on is the managerial title. He or she behaves like the "lord of the manor" engaging in a feudal style of management. Too often, senior management doesn't invest the time, money or effort involved with training these managers. As a result, a bullying manager often relies on the only thing he or she knows when it comes to authority relationships--the parent-child relationship. Of course, this leads to resentment. In the worst case scenarios, it leads to sabotage, both overt and covert.

Bullying Managers and Personality Disorders

Bullying managers often have personality disorders where they come across as inconsistent, verbally provocative, unable to manage their anger, engaging in black and white thinking and, in the worst cases, being emotionally unstable. When a personality disorder, like borderline personality or narcissistic personality, is involved, this is a much more serious problem. A manager who lacks expertise in managing employees, theoretically, can go for training. But a manager who has a personality disorder needs professional psychological help. In companies where there are numerous complaints about a bullying manager, senior management will often mandate this manager to seek professional help or risk losing his or her job.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have a bullying style of management and training has not been effective in helping you to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. 

If you're motivated to do the personal work required to change, you can work through the underlying issues that contribute to an ineffective, bullying style of management.

If you're an employee who has a bully for a boss, you could use the support of a licensed mental health professional, especially if this situation is triggering old unresolved trauma, to feel empowered to take action.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.