Relationships: When Love Doesn't Conquer All

When most people enter into a new relationship, they experience that heady, passionate time when they feel invincible and that nothing could get in their way because they're so deeply in love with each other. So, it can be very disappointing, after these heady feelings subside, to discover that, contrary to popular myths, love doesn't always conquer all, and it's often not enough for a relationship to survive and withstand the many challenges couples face today.

Relationships: When Love Doesn't Conquer All

The following scenarios, which are composites of actual cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, are typical examples of couples who enter into couples counseling:

Bill and Sandra met in college. They fell deeply in love after dating for a few months. While they were dating, they became aware that they had significant differences in terms of their values and goals in life: Sandra wanted children and Bill was not sure; Bill was a spender and Sandra was a saver; Sandra had a few close friends and preferred to stay home most of the time, and Bill was very outgoing, enjoyed going out and liked meeting new people, and so on. Even though they were aware of these differences, they believed that, since they were so deeply in love, their love would carry them through and they would work out these differences.

However, four years after they got married, even though they still loved each other very much, they were arguing a lot about these differences. They were each disappointed, hurt and confused as to why, if they cared about each other so much, their relationship was not working out.

Greg and Denise met while they were each going through a divorce. They were both in their mid-40s. Initially, the relationship began as a friendship, where they consoled and supported each other. But it quickly turned romantic, and when each of them was free, they got married. Denise considered herself to be a spiritual person. She went to church on a regular basis and she was involved in various church committees. She was aware that Greg considered himself to be an atheist, but she overlooked this and thought she could change it after they got married.

Relationships: When Love Doesn't Conquer All

Two years into their marriage, they began arguing about religion. Denise was disappointed that Greg refused to participate in her church services and that he was not even willing to reconsider his views on religion. Greg was angry and felt badgered by Denise because he was upfront about his atheism and he thought she accepted it, only to find out that she held a secret hope that he would change.

Lisa and Robert seemed like the "ideal couple" to their friends. They were both very in love and devoted to one another. They had similar values, and they shared of vision and a plan for what they wanted their life to be like together. But after Lisa and Robert had their first child, they began to drift apart. They had both looked forward to having children, but the reality of having a baby turned out to be very different from what each of them had anticipated. Both of them were sleep deprived from the baby waking up crying several times a night, which caused them to be irritable with each other. Robert also felt that Lisa spent so much time doting on the baby that she hardly paid attention to him. He felt neglected. They hardly went out any more, and he felt they were in a rut. Each of them thought, "How could this have happened to us?"

Margaret and Karen met at a mutual friend's birthday party. They fell in love almost immediately. After dating for six months, they moved into Margaret's apartment, since it was much larger than Karen's and more convenient to each of their jobs. Soon after moving in, they began arguing and getting into power struggles about the apartment.

Karen wanted to make a few changes so she could feel comfortable and make the apartment feel that it was as much hers as it was Margaret's. But Margaret liked things just as they were and saw no need to change anything. They both felt disappointed that they were arguing about what seemed like petty things when they knew that they cared about each other very much. But they didn't know how to get passed this problem.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are having ongoing arguments, if the two of you can't seem to overcome the obstacles in your relationship, you could benefit from couples counseling. 

An experienced couples counselor can help you to overcome these obstacles to either decide to stay together or to split up in an amicable way without the usual anger and bitterness that is associated with breakups and divorce.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I help individuals and couples to overcome obstacles that are keeping them from leading fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Returning to Therapy

It's not unusual for people to return to psychotherapy, over the course of a lifetime, for a second or third treatment (or more) to deal with the same issues, often on a deeper level or in a different way. Many times, the first therapy might have been to develop coping skills to deal with a particular issue and subsequent treatments are for developing greater emotional insight into the problem.

Returning to Therapy

The following scenarios, which are composite accounts of actual cases (with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality) are examples of clients returning to psychotherapy to deal with the same issues or emotional patterns in a different way:

Scenario 1:
When John attended psychotherapy sessions in his late 20s, his girlfriend of five years had just left him. After the breakup, John was highly anxious and depressed. He was also very isolated and lonely because his relationship with Jane had been everything to him. At that point, John had never participated in psychotherapy before. He had always thought that a person had to be "crazy" or "weak" to seek out the help of a psychotherapist. However, he did some research on his own and read that most people who attend psychotherapy were "normal" people who wanted to work on their problems with a mental health professional who could help them in ways that friends and family members could not.

Returning to Therapy

During the first psychotherapy session, John talked about the relationship, and about his anxiety and depression following the breakup. The psychotherapist explained how she worked and answered general questions about psychotherapy and her professional background, training and experience. John attended weekly sessions for about three months and, gradually, he began to feel better. He no longer felt anxious or depressed, and he was beginning to date again. At the point when he decided to leave therapy, he and his therapist were just beginning to deal with his codependent patterns in relationships. However, after his anxiety and depressive symptoms subsided, John no longer felt motivated to attend therapy.

His psychotherapist talked to John about remaining in psychotherapy so he could gain emotional insight into his patterns and he would not continue to repeat them in his next relationship, but John decided that he was "feeling good," he no longer felt anxious or depressed, and all of this talk about codependency was bringing him down, so he left therapy. He felt that as long as he knew that he behaved in ways that were codependent, he would "just stop" behaving in that way and it shouldn't be a problem. He told his therapist, "I know what to do now" and he left treatment.

After he left therapy, John began dating someone new, and they entered into a relationship almost immediately. A year later, his girlfriend broke up with him, telling him that she found him "too needy." John was upset, but he used the coping strategies that he learned in psychotherapy to deal with his depression and anxiety. Soon afterwards, he entered into another relationship with a woman who was an active alcoholic. 

He thought he could help Mary to overcome her alcoholism and, deep down, he felt that she would never leave him because he thought she needed him. Mary was unemployed and broke at the time. She moved in with John within a few weeks and John supported her. After several months, Mary began attending A.A., at the urging of her psychotherapist. She obtained a sponsor and began forming sober friendships in the program. Three months later, Mary found a good job and she decided that she wanted to be single again, so she broke up with John.

This time John was devastated. He never saw it coming. He tried to use the coping strategies that he learned in psychotherapy, but his self confidence plummeted after this last breakup. He bought self help books to try to understand what he was doing wrong and to bolster his confidence, but the self help books didn't help him. 

Reluctantly, he called his former therapist and returned to therapy. John began therapy again with the sole motivation that he wanted to "feel good" again. However, over time, he began to understand that while "feeling good" was important, psychotherapy was about more than just "feeling good" and he needed to look at some of the underlying issues involved with his codependency.

Over time, John developed an understanding that "knowing what to do" in an intellectual sense was not the same as having a deeper, emotional understanding and getting to the root of his problems so that he could change his patterns. So, when he began to feel better again and he was tempted to leave therapy, rather than giving in to this temptation, he stayed to do the deeper work to overcome his codependency.

When he entered into the next relationship with Susan, he was tempted to leave again because he felt that, for sure, this new woman was "the one." He felt happy for the first time in a long time. From his perspective, he thought, "Why should I stay in therapy? I feel very happy now." 

However, soon after they got together, John recognized the early signs of codependency in his relationship. He realized that he was falling into the same old patterns again, and he was able to work on these issues with his therapist. He learned to avoid the same codependent pitfalls from the past, and he gained a deeper emotional understanding of the origins of his problems.

With the help of his psychotherapist, his own diligence in going to his therapy sessions on a regular weekly basis, and applying what he learned, John's relationship began to flourish into a mature, stable, healthy relationship. He and Susan also began forming friendships outside the relationship so they were no longer solely dependent on their relationship for all of their emotional needs.

He worked through his family of origins issues that were at the root of his codependency problems; he no longer had the need for Susan to depend on him; and, he felt that he had grown as a person. 

At that point, he and his therapist talked about John terminating therapy. They spent about a month going through the termination process to help John consolidate the gains that he made in therapy, and then John and his psychotherapist mutually agreed that it was time for him to end treatment. His therapist told him that he could come back in the future. A couple of years later, John and Susan got married and they continued to have a stable and happy relationship.

Scenario 2:
Kathy, who was in her early 20s, began attending psychotherapy sessions to deal with the death of her grandmother. Kathy was close to her grandmother and she took the loss very hard. Several months before Kathy began psychotherapy, her grandmother was home recuperating from a heart attack and Kathy would come to see her everyday after work to check in on her. 

Over time, her grandmother got stronger and she was soon able to take care of herself and get back to her regular activities. At that point, assured that her grandmother no longer needed her help, Kathy decided to go on a week long vacation with her friends to the Bahamas.

Returning to Therapy

Kathy and her friends were having a wonderful time in the Bahamas when she got back to their hotel and found a message to call her mother immediately. When she called her mother, she found out that her grandmother had a massive heart attack that day, and she had died. Kathy was devastated. She blamed herself for going away and thought, "Maybe if I had been there, she might not have died."

After a couple of months of therapy, Kathy grieved the loss of her grandmother. She also came to understand, in an intellectual way, that there would have been nothing she could have done to save her grandmother from her massive heart attack and death. After all, she wasn't a doctor. Everything her psychotherapist told her made logical sense to her. Soon after that, she cancelled her appointments and she left treatment against her therapist's clinical advice.

Several years later, Kathy got married to Paul. They were both very happy in their marriage. One day, during the third year of her marriage, Paul began having chest pains. Kathy broke out into a cold sweat and felt panicky. She was afraid that Paul was having a massive heart attack, just like her grandmother. 

She could barely think straight, but she managed to call 911. After an extensive battery of tests, the doctor told Kathy and Paul that Paul's heart was very healthy and overall he was in good physical shape, but he had acid reflux and the symptoms were often similar to the symptoms of a heart attack. Paul was greatly relieved. Kathy was somewhat relieved, but she worried and feared that the doctors might be wrong.

After that, Kathy was afraid to go to work or to leave Paul, who worked from home, for any length of time. At first, Paul was understanding. He was taking his acid reflux medication and he told her that he was feeling fine. 

But nothing he said soothed Kathy's nerves. She called him at home numerous times from her job and would often come home early to check on him. She also refused to have sex with him because she was afraid that he would have a heart attack, even though the doctors had assured them that his symptoms had nothing to do with his heart. Finally, Paul told Kathy that he thought she needed to get help.

On the one hand, on an intellectual level, Kathy realized that her worrying and her behavior was excessive. But her feelings made her worried thoughts feel very real to her, and this was confusing. 

On the other hand, she didn't want to ruin her marriage with Paul, so she returned to see her former psychotherapist. She felt somewhat ashamed to return to therapy because she thought her problems "should have been fixed" after the first therapy. She was afraid that her therapist would think that she was "stupid." But she learned from her psychotherapist that returning to therapy to deal with the same issue, on a deeper level, was very common, and she felt relieved.

Kathy also discovered that her current worries were being "triggered" by the death of her grandmother. Even though she had grieved this loss during her first treatment, she had not dealt, on a deeper emotional level with the trauma of how helpless and guilty she felt while she was away and her grandmother died. 

She also realized that, during her first treatment, she went as far as she could at the time on an intellectual and logical level. But these other traumatic feelings had not surfaced in the first treatment.

When she realized this in her second psychotherapy treatment, Kathy was glad to know that she wasn't "going crazy" and that there was an explanation for her excessive worrying. It made sense to her. 

At that point, knowing this, she was about to leave therapy again, but her psychotherapist recommended that she stay to work on the trauma on an emotional level. Over time, Kathy learned the difference between intellectual insight and emotional insight. 

She realized that it was not enough to have intellectual insight. Her psychotherapist used a combination of clinical hypnosis and EMDR treatment to help Kathy process the original trauma. By the time Kathy and her psychotherapist mutually agreed that she had processed the original trauma, Kathy was no longer worrying about Paul's health. They began to have sex again, and they became closer than ever.

Over the course of a lifetime, old problems can resurface in new ways. Sometimes, there are residual issues that remain hidden and don't surface in the original psychotherapy treatment. Also, over time, as we mature and grow, we have a greater capacity for emotional insight (as opposed to only intellectual insight) and so we can approach old problems with a deeper understanding to resolve them.

Returning to psychotherapy, whether you return to your original psychotherapist or you choose to see someone new who might have a different way of working, is not anything to feel ashamed about.

Returning to therapy doesn't mean that you failed in your original psychotherapy treatment or that you were inadequate in any way. Sometimes, it might mean that you left therapy prematurely. Usually, when this happens, people think that "feeling better" means that the problem has been resolved. But what it might really mean is that some of the worst symptoms have subsided, but that none of the underlying issues that caused the problem have changed. It might also mean that your psychotherapist or counselor was not skilled in the particular issue that you were dealing with at the time.

Also, often, as you mature and your life changes, it means that you now have the emotional capacity and you are ready to deal with a particular problem on a deeper level to resolve it.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist in New York City.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see article:  When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

In Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert 's op-ed piece in the New York Times called What You Don't Know Makes You Nervous he wrote that most people feel worse when they think that something bad might happen than when they know something bad will happen.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

Initially, this concept might not  seem to make sense, and you might think, "But wouldn't you feel worse if you knew for sure that something bad was going to happen?" However, according to Dr. Gilbert, what the research shows is that when people know that something bad will happen, after their initial reactions of fear, shock, anger or whatever other feelings bad news brings up, most people can then mobilize themselves to take action to deal with the bad news, as opposed to just worrying about it.

For most of us, knowing what we're up against is better than the uncertainty of not knowing. According to Dr. Gilbert, "...we can't come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don't know. An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait" (see Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D.)

Taking action, whether it's changing our behavior, changing our attitudes, or making plans, helps us to feel better and find our emotional balance again.

How to Find Inner Peace During Uncertain Times:
Considering that many people today are living in uncertain times, how do we find and maintain inner peace and happiness to sustain us through the uncertainty?

To start, based on Dr. Gilbert's research findings, if it's possible to find out whether you'll be facing bad news, in most cases, it's better to get the information than to avoid dealing with it.

So, for instance, if you're worried about a health concern, rather than procrastinating and avoiding going to the doctor, it's better to be proactive, go to the doctor and either relieve yourself of the anxiety by finding out that you're fine or finding out what you need to do to get better.

Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times

I'm bringing up this particular example because many people avoid going to the doctor when they fear they're going to get bad news. But, in most cases, the earlier an illness is addressed, the more likely it is that you'll have a better outcome.

If there is no way to find out if you're going to be facing bad news (let's say, you fear that you might get laid off from your job, but no one knows for sure), then you need to find ways to maintain emotional and physical balance to sustain yourself through this uncertain time. If it's important to you, this also includes spiritual balance.

This could mean finding time during the day to meditate; exercise at the appropriate level for you, possibly taking a yoga class; and maintaining regular contact with supportive friends and family. Managing your stress is crucial. In particular, yoga can be a good stress reliever and restorer of balance and calm. It also means eating nutritious meals and getting enough rest.

When you feel anxious about what could happen, it also helps to remember times when you've actually dealt successfully with adversity in the past. Most of us are usually more resilient than we realize during hard times. If you think about it, you'll also probably realize that there were many times when you worried endlessly about something that never happened.

The Serenity Prayer
Knowing what we can control and what we can't can also help to relieve anxiety. You don't have to believe in God, a Higher Power or be a spiritual person at all to benefit from remembering the Serenity Prayer that says, in part:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." When we can distinguish what we can and can't control, it helps us to either take action to make changes or to do what we can to relax and stay calm while events unfold.

Serenity Prayer

If you find that you're already doing all of the things that I've recommended in this post and you're still struggling with anxiety, you might benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist to help you get through times of uncertainty. Sometimes, even brief treatment to help you develop better coping skills can be very beneficial and can make the difference between feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and maintaining a sense of peace.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety and uncertainty so that they can lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Empowered to Make a Career Change

Most people like to feel a sense of power, a degree of autonomy and an enthusiasm in their work. Feeling empowered, appreciated, creative, and fairly compensated are all important factors that usually contribute to overall work satisfaction.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear many stories from clients who are not satisfied with their work. They feel unappreciated, stifled, and stuck. Even though they feel uninspired by their current work, they're not sure what else they would like to do, and they come to see me to explore and overcome these issues.

Feeling Dissatisfied With Your Career

A Desire for Career Change
Sometimes, the desire for change might begin with a vague sense that work is not as satisfying as it once was. If this feeling continues to grow over time, it can lead to a certain malaise and inertia, especially if you don't take steps to at least explore other options.

Often, clients will tell me that they were once very happy with their work, but they're no longer satisfied. In many instances, the work is the same, the boss is the same, the colleagues remain the same, but something in these clients has changed.

Exactly what has changed in them is not always clear to them at first. But, often, on some level, they have outgrown their job and they want "more" or "something different."

Career Change Over the Span of a Life Time
It's not unusual these days to change careers several times over the span of a life time. Someone might start out in one type of career after college, often influenced by family or friends and, as time passes and they develop other interests, they desire something new. They might return to college or get a certification at a continuing education program to transition to another type of career.

Often, people in their 40s and 50s find that doing the same type of work that they've done for most of their lives no longer suits them. They want to continue to work and feel productive, but not in their current careers. They want something new that they can feel enthusiastic about. This doesn't necessarily mean that they're going through some sort of "mid-life crisis," as many people might say. It's just a common occurrence as people change and outgrow their current careers.

Retirement is Different Nowadays
It used to be that most people retired and that was that. They stayed home, rested, took it easy, and played with their grandchildren. And if that's what you want, that's okay.

But these days, many people, who retire in their 60s, 70s or later and who are in good health, don't usually want to stop working.

They want to work and feel productive in a career, but not doing the same type of work that they did for most of their lives. Maybe they stuck with a certain career because it afforded them a certain lifestyle, it paid for the mortgage and their children's college tuition or for other important reasons.

But for many people, now that they've retired from that career, they finally have the opportunity to do what they've always really wanted to do but couldn't do for whatever reasons.

For instance, I hear many stories about corporate executives who retire and decide to teach, teachers who retire and decide to go into sales, salespeople who retire and decide to start their own business, business owners who retire and decide to indulge their artistic side, and so on. If you're in good health and you no longer have the financial pressures and responsibilities that you once had, why not?

Feeling Stuck and Uninspired in Your Career?
Whatever your current career situation might be, if you're feel stuck and uninspired in your current work, you owe it to yourself to explore other options.

Networking and talking to other people about their work, especially if their work is different from what you do now, can give you some ideas. Doing some soul searching about what's important to you and what you could see yourself doing is also essential.

Start Taking Steps
The important thing is to start taking steps, no matter how small, to get yourself "unstuck" from your current situation.

Feeling Empowered to Make a Career Change

Getting Help in Therapy
For many people, who feel stuck in their careers and feel the need for career change, talking to a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area can be helpful in terms of getting unstuck.

About Me

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who is a former human resource manager.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to get motivated so they can find fulfilling careers.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss

"We have no reason to mistrust our world for it is not against us. Has its terrors, they are our terrors; has its abysses, those abysses belong to us; our dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once as beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us."
   ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, poet, 1934, Letters to a Young Poet

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss

Learning to Trust Again After a Major Setback or Loss Can Test Us
Learning to trust again after a major setback or a loss can test us in ways that we might not have ever been tested before. When we feel lost, confused, helpless, and disempowered, where do we find the courage to stand up again to face whatever challenge is before us? This is a question that we all face at one time or another. We are challenged to find ways, sometimes without even knowing how or where we'll find the personal strength, to get through the crisis and continue living our lives.

For some people, it's like walking through a dark cave, feeling the wall next to them, taking one small and unsure step at a time, not knowing where it might lead, and hoping that each step will bring them closer to the light, safety, and warmth outside the cave. Without any assurances or guarantees, they keep taking one step at a time, sometimes stopping, sometimes falling down, but getting back up again and continuing to move forward.

Sometimes life presents us with a loss or disappointment, often unexpected, catching us off guard and flat footed. It might be the breakup of a relationship, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the betrayal of a spouse or a friend, or a sudden accident or illness. At those times, it might feel that we will never get over the loss. We might feel that we never want to open our hearts again to feel this kind of vulnerability and pain. It might feel unfair that life goes on, time passes, other people are experiencing new joy in their lives, getting married, having children, experiencing success in their lives and we feel stuck in this place of despair.

Sometimes We Disappoint Ourselves
Sometimes we disappoint ourselves when we revert to old behavior that we thought we had overcome, only to find ourselves back again in that same place that we hoped we would never find ourselves in again. This might mean losing our temper when we thought we had overcome our problems with anger management, relapsing on alcohol or drugs after years of sobriety, picking up a cigarette after years of not smoking, choosing an unhealthy relationship again after promising ourselves and others never to do that again, or engaging in other self-sabotaging behavior. At times like this, we might feel that we can't even trust ourselves as we struggle to overcome our own inner demons.

After a loss or a major setback, rebuilding trust in ourselves, in others, and in life in general is a process. It can feel slow and unsteady at times. Often, we might feel like we'd like to give up, abandon hope, keep our heads down, make ourselves small, and hide out somewhere. But most of the time, after a temporary retreat, we might not have that option. The father with small children whose wife died must continue to care for his children, go to work, take care of daily responsibilities and go on with life. Even though part of him really doesn't want to because he's grieving for his loss, he knows must learn to trust again that life will get better for himself and his children. The single mother who lost her job again, maybe for the third or fourth time in a row, must go out and try to find another job and trust that there's a prospective employer who will see her talent, hire her and keep her on as a valued employee. The victim of a car accident who has become disabled faces the choice of giving up or engaging and persevering in physical therapy with the hope that his health will be restored.

Remembering Challenges We Have Overcome Gives Us a Sense of Hope

Remembering other difficult times in our lives where we've overcome personal challenges can give us a sense of hope that we can overcome whatever we're faced with now and learn to trust again. Reading and learning about what other people have done to regain trust in themselves, others and in life, can help to inspire us and give us hope. As an example, I'm thinking, in particular, of Franklin Roosevelt, who was disabled by polio during his presidency, but who persevered and, according to Eleanor Roosevelt, never gave up hope that he would overcome his illness.

Getting  Help in Therapy: You're Not Alone

It's important to realize that, even when you feel that life has dealt you a terrible blow, making you feel alienated and isolated from the rest of the world, you're not alone. Many people have gone through what you're experiencing and have come out on the other side. It's important to stay connected to supportive friends and family, and if you're still unable to see light at the end of the tunnel, to seek professional help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.   I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to learn to trust again and find hope and meaning in life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Learning to Trust Again After an Affair

In the last article I introduced the general topic of  Learning to Trust Again - Coping with Betrayal.

In this article I would like to focus on a particular topic related to learning to trust again: Finding out that your spouse or partner is having an affair.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship:
Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. Without trust, few relationships survive and those that do survive in some form are often filled with suspicion, recrimination, anger, resentment, and sadness. There are few things more shattering to trust in a relationship than finding out that your partner is having an affair. Regaining trust, once it has been breached, is a major challenge.

Learning to Trust Again After an Affair

Partners who discover affairs often talk about their feelings in terms of "before I found out about the affair" and "after I found out about the affair":
The feelings associated with the discovery of the affair become an emotional dividing line for the spouse who feels betrayed. 

Typical comments are "Before I found out about the affair, I thought we were happy and that we'd be together forever, but after I found out about the affair, I felt like my whole world was turned upside down" or "Before I found out about the affair, I felt so secure in my marriage, but after I found out that he was having an affair, I felt like I didn't know my husband any more, I didn't know myself, and I questioned everything after that" or "Before I found out that my wife was having an affair, I thought I was such a lucky guy to have such a great wife who loved me, but after I found out that she was cheating on me, I felt like a fool."

Discovering infidelity has become more common with the advent of cell phones, email and other forms of communication that have been developed in the last 10 or 15 years:.
Spouses can find out about affairs inadvertently by stumbling upon the information by accident or, if they're suspicious, by actively searching telephone numbers and pictures stored in cell phones, looking at cell phone bills, reading their spouse's email, listening to their spouse's saved telephone messages, looking at a computer browser's history or finding other common telltale signs of infidelity. Once the spouse discovers signs of infidelity, it then becomes a question of what to do about this discovery.

Emotional reactions to discovering infidelity vary, but there are some common reactions:
Shock and denial are two common reactions: "This must be a mistake," "I must be imagining things--he would never do this," "There must be some other explanation." Anger and profound sadness are also common reactions. Many people confront their partners with whatever they've found, often hoping that their partners will give some explanation that will confirm that it's all a mistake. In most cases, this is no reflection on the intelligence of the spouse who has discovered the information. Most often, it's a deep wish, in the face of everything, to preserve his or her own emotional security as well as to save their relationship.

If the spouse having the affair lies about it, the betrayed spouse might go along with it, colluding in the lie, at least on the surface. But often, deep down, he or she really knows that it's a lie. Another common reaction is for the spouse to say nothing to the partner and to continue to "monitor" the situation by snooping and policing the partner's activities until he or she has gathered enough evidence to confront the partner. For other spouses, it becomes a matter of evening the score by going out and having their own affair. This is usually a misguided attempt to get revenge and to feel that they're attractive and sought after by others. Not only does this not work, but it makes the situation worse.

Whatever the initial reactions might be, both people have decisions to make:
If the partner continues to lie about the affair or blame the spouse, if there are no feelings of remorse, most relationships don't last. Trust cannot be regained under these circumstances. At the very least, the partner needs to admit that he or she made a mistake, feel genuine remorse about it, and end the affair for there to be any hope of regaining trust in the relationship. Then, the couple can decide individually and as a couple whether they want to pick up the pieces of their relationship and try to put them back together again.

For some couples, once trust is shattered, it's so damaging that even if they both decide to work on their relationship, they can't get passed what happened. For them, it becomes a very painful emotional crisis in the relationship that cannot be overcome.

Even if they move on to other relationships in the future, if each partner doesn't work through what happened in the relationship where there was infidelity, they often carry this emotional baggage into their next relationship in one form or another or it becomes so damaging that they're unable to have new relationships.

Without the benefit of working out these issues in psychotherapy, spouses who felt betrayed in the prior relationships often have difficulties trusting in future relationships. This can result in their mistrusting their own judgment, mistrusting others, closing themselves off emotionally and, in some cases, isolating themselves and deciding to remain alone. Or, they can carry their emotional wounds and feelings of betrayal into the next relationship. They might continually look for signs of infidelity where there are none and ruin an otherwise good relationship.

If the partner who cheated moves on to other relationships in the future without any self exploration about why he or she was unfaithful in the prior relationship, he or she runs the risk of cheating again in the next relationship. So many factors might have contributed to his or her infidelity, including growing up in a dysfunctional home where one or both parents were unfaithful to each other, fear of getting close in his or her primary relationship, a lack of empathy for his or her partner, and so on. Working through these issues in either couples counseling or individual psychotherapy can help prevent a repetition of these same mistakes over and over again.

For other couples, regaining trust is a challenging process but, over time, they're able to rebuild and regain the sense of trust, step by step, in their relationship, usually with the help of an experienced psychotherapist. In other situations, a couple might establish somewhat of a truce, but anger and suspicion remain. In those situations, the affair might temporarily recede into the background, but it's still there, just under the surface as a point of contention, waiting to be resurrected in other arguments.

Each relationship and each person in the relationship is unique, and it's hard to say with any degree of certainty what enables one relationship to survive infidelity and another to end:
Often, couples who survive infidelity have a sense that they've invested too much emotionally and they have too much at stake not to try to work it out, especially if they have children. They're willing to look at the dynamics of their relationship to understand how each of them might have contributed to their problems. 

Some couples even come out of this experience with a stronger commitment to their relationship. If the spouse who feels betrayed can forgive and if the partner who had the affair does some soul searching and genuinely recommits to the relationship, the affair might become a part, albeit a painful part, of their history and they can move on to strengthen their relationship.

Couples who are in crisis can benefit from participating in couples or marriage counseling with a licensed psychotherapist if they seek help early on:
An experienced psychotherapist can help couples in crisis to either work through the crisis or to decide to end the relationship in a healthier way than they might be able to do on their own.

Often, the key to working through problems in a relationship is not to wait until it's too late. This might sound self evident, but many people don't realize this or don't recognize the period of time in their relationship when couples counseling would be optimal. It's not unusual for couples to come to marriage counseling as a last ditch effort when one or both of them really know that it's over. Or, they wait too long and one of the partners wants to save the relationship and the other partner really knows deep down that it's over but doesn't want to appear uncooperative so he or she goes along with the counseling for a while, but it's really too late.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've discovered that your partner has been unfaithful or if you are the one who has been unfaithful, regaining trust in your current relationship, future relationships and in your own judgment is challenging but, with professional help, it's often possible.

About Me
I'm a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and couples counselor. 

I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through times of crisis in their relationships to regain trust and confidence.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Learning to Trust Again: Coping with Betrayal in a Relationship

Learning to trust again after discovering a major betrayal in a relationship can be a challenging process. Whether the betrayal involved infidelity, lying, discovering that your partner has an addiction or some other form of betrayal, if you choose to stay in the relationship, it can be a long road back to trusting your partner again once trust has been breached. And there are no guarantees that trust can be regained.

Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal

Initially, you might be shocked into emotional numbness, denial, anger, profound sadness, isolation, self doubt or all of the above. It can be especially hard if you've had a long history of being with people who have betrayed you in one form or another, possibly starting with your family. 

Aside from blaming your partner, you might blame yourself for not recognizing the signs of the betrayal before. You might start having feelings of worthlessness: "If I was good enough, he wouldn't have cheated on me" or "If I was good enough, he wouldn't be abusing drugs." You might blame other people who might have known about the betrayal and didn't tell you. If you're a spiritual person, you might have a temporary crisis in faith, blaming God for "allowing this to happen."

At some point, after the initial shock, you have some hard decisions to make. Whether you choose to stay and try to work things out with your partner or whether you decide to go and move on with your life, learning to trust again is a challenge. 

The alternative to learning to trust again is closing yourself off emotionally, mentally, physically or even spiritually. Anger and bitterness can set in, making it almost impossible to try again in your current relationship or in future relationships. When you feel that you can't trust others or that you can't trust yourself, you're stuck and there is little hope for healing.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are in that stuck place where you feel that you can't go back, but you feel that you can't move forward either, you're not alone. Many other people have experienced what you are experiencing and have overcome these feelings.

If you're having difficulty coping with this on your own, you could benefit from working on these issues with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with adult individuals and couples.  I've helped many clients heal and learn to trust again in themselves and others.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up an appointment for a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Learning to Trust Again: After the Affair