Overcoming Destructive Power Struggles in Your Relationship

It's not unusual to engage in occasional power struggles when you're in a relationship. Occasional power struggles seem to be an inevitable part of being in an intimate relationship. The problem occurs when the power struggles are ongoing and they begin to put the relationship at risk.

Overcoming Destructive Power Struggles

What are power struggles in a relationship?
On the most basic level, power struggles in a relationship are about trying to get our way. On a deeper level, usually just below our consciousness, power struggles are about much more, as I will explain later in this post.

Power struggles in relationships often begin just after that initial "heady" in love feeling begins to wear off and our feelings mature into a more enduring kind of love (see my article: Understanding the "Honeymoon" Phase in Your Relationship).

This is usually when our most basic, normal dependency needs (our need to feel loved and cared about) really come to the surface. It's also when we begin to realize that our partner has the ability to either meet our needs--or not. It's around that time that we think, "Wait a minute...I could really get hurt in this relationship." 

If we're able to accept that we all have these emotional needs, that they are normal, and we trust our partners, we're more likely to be able to express our needs to our partner in a way that is positive and constructive. However, if we feel too vulnerable or ashamed of these basic needs, we might react in anger and get into a power struggle with our partner to try to get what we want.

When core emotional issues get triggered in a relationship:
Why anger? For most people, feeling angry allows them to feel "stronger" than allowing themselves to feel and express their vulnerability. 

Getting angry is often a way to push down and cover up those basic emotional needs when it feels too scary to feel and express them. Maybe we grew up in a household where our needs were not recognized or met. Maybe we were made to feel that these are shameful feelings. Maybe we were raised to think that we "should be more independent" and not rely on others.

There can be so many early core issues that get triggered in our relationship. This is why ongoing problems with power struggles in a relationship are usually complicated and can become so difficult to resolve. On one level, we're dealing with the current situation with our partner, but on a deeper level we're also dealing with our own emotional history, and it's all happening at the same time.

Trying to separate out the current problems from the earlier core issues can be very complicated. If you're able to cool down and step back after a heated power struggle with your partner, you're often able to see that you overreacted to a situation. It takes a certain amount of self awareness, insight, the ability to feel compassion for yourself and your partner, and a feeling of basic safety in your relationship to be able to do this.

If you realize that you overreacted with your partner and got into a power struggle, that's often a clue that there's something more going on beyond the current situation. Often, it means that certain earlier core issues are being stirred up. 

Realizing this is one thing, but knowing what these issues are can be harder to see unless you've already done a fair amount of work on your personal core issues. Even then, with everything getting stirred up at once, it can be hard to see and even harder to resolve on your own. Add to this that your partner has his or her own core emotional issues that might be getting stirred up and you can see how difficult this can be to overcome.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner get into ongoing power struggles that are putting your relationship at risk, you might benefit from couples counseling where a couples counselor can help you to overcome these issues so you can feel better about yourself and have a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Dealing with Difficult In-laws

We've all heard the jokes and cliches about "the difficult mother-in-law." These jokes, often sexist in nature, are at the expense of the vast majority of mothers-in-law who are nurturing and supportive people with the couples' welfare at heart and who have appropriate boundaries.

But what if you're one of the unlucky people whose in-laws are truly difficult and it's creating havoc in your relationship?

Dealing With Difficult In-Laws

Whether it's your mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law or sister-in-law, a difficult in-law can be very challenging to you and your relationship. Worse still, if your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or acknowledges it but refuses to do anything about it, you might feel very alone and betrayed by your partner.

Difficulties with in-laws can come in all shapes and sizes: There's the in-law who criticizes how you spend money, the in-law who criticizes your housekeeping or your child rearing practices, the inquisitive in-law who wants to know everything about what's going on in your relationship, the "know it all" in-law who has unsolicited advise on just about everything and feels hurt if you don't follow this advice, and so on.

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

Communicate with your partner:
As I've recommended in prior posts,speak from your own experience. Don't start by criticizing your in-laws or your partner. That will get you nowhere fast. Stay calm and focused. It's better to say, "I feel upset when your mother criticizes how I spend money" than to say, "Your crazy mother always has something to say about how I spend money!" It might be difficult for your partner to hear and don't be surprised if your partner didn't realize that there was a problem. After all, your partner might have spent most of his or her life tuning out your in-laws and might still be tuning them out now.

The relationship must be primary:
Even though you and your partner might each love your own parents and siblings very much, it must be clear that your relationship must come first. That means that if you're having ongoing problems with your in-laws, your partner must speak up, unequivocally, on your behalf and vice versa.

Set clear boundaries:
After you and your partner have talked about the problems and (hopefully) agreed that your relationship must come first, talk about how you want to set clear boundaries with your in-laws, whatever the issues might be--babysitting, holiday visits, or unsolicited advice. Once you and your partner have agreed on these issues, it's up to your partner to communicate this to your in-laws. You must also be prepared to stick with these boundaries because change is difficult and people will often slip back into old behaviors at times.

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws

All of the above assumes that you and your partner can negotiate these issues between you and come to a mutual understanding about them. But what if you can't? What if these issues are eroding and threatening your relationship? At that point, it might be necessary for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor to assist you to overcome these obstacles so you can have a more satisfying relationship.

Working Through Issues With Difficult In-Laws

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.  

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living a Meaningful Life

Most of us like to feel that our lives have purpose and meaning.   

Living from day to day without feeling that we have a purpose in our life can make us feel like we're in a rut. Although we might want to feel that we have meaning in our lives, at times, it can be a challenge discovering what that purpose might be.

Living a Meaningful Life

People Find Meaning in Many Different Ways
Many people find meaning in their lives through their spirituality, either through organized religion or through their own personal sense of spirituality. Other people find meaning in volunteering and helping others.

Being at a Crossroad in Life
Other people might be at a crossroad in their lives. Maybe they had a vocation or they felt they had a special purpose, but their circumstances have changed and they are now seeking a different purpose. If they found meaning in their work and they lost their job, they now find themselves asking themselves what they would like to do next that would be meaningful. Or, for a parent who raised children who are now grown and independent, they might find themselves questioning what they will do with the rest of their lives. For other people, it's the realization that they have lived their lives doing what other people (maybe their parents or their spouses) expected of them rather than asking themselves what they wanted to do in life. Or, maybe what was once satisfying is no longer satisfying. There are so many reasons why you might find yourself at this crossroad.

Keeping an Open Mind
If you can maintain an open and positive attitude, you're more likely to benefit from this time of self discovery. Allow yourself to think outside the box. One way to explore this question is to give yourself the time and the privacy you need to explore your options.

With paper and pen in hand (or on computer), write down "What I would like to do to have a meaningful life." Then, give yourself 15 mins. and brainstorm. Write whatever comes to mind, no matter how outrageous it might be. No one else will see this list. Sometimes, even the most unlikely items will be a signal to you as to what direction you'd like your life to take.

If you get stuck and can't think of anything else, write down the last thing you wrote until the next idea comes to mind. After 15 mins., stop and review what you've written. If nothing else. this exercise usually frees up your mind and helps to deal with the inner critic that keeps telling you, "You're too old to change" or "You'll never be able to do that."

Practice doing the brainstorming exercise a few times a week and see what you come up with. Chances are that you'll begin to get a sense of what you'd like to see more of in your life. Remember that this is a process and it's not supposed to be perfect.

Sometimes, it's helpful to consult with a therapist who can assist you through this process of self discovery and help you make it fun and rewarding.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist and I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, you can visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Talk to Your Spouse About Money

In my prior post, Talk to Your Fiance About Money Before You Get Married, I recommended that people talk about money before they get married. Whether you started out doing that or not, when you're in a committed relationship and sharing a home, you really need to be able to talk to your partner about money.

Talk to Your Spouse About Money

As a couples counselor, I see many people who come to marriage counseling due to serious conflicts about money. It's one of the major reasons why people come for treatment.

There are numerous reasons why couples have conflicts about money. Here are some of the major reasons and some tips on how to overcome these problems:

No Financial Plan:
Many couples enter into their marriages without a common understanding between them about how they want to handle their finances.

Talk to Your Spouse About Money

Many people assume that their partners feel the same way that they do about money. However, this is often not the case. Couples need to come to an agreement about short-term and long-term financial plans. There should be no secrets about money. If a couple needs to make a major purchase, they need to talk it over together first.

Otherwise, if one person just goes ahead and makes a major purchase without consulting with his partner, this can often lead to fights about money. Or, if one of them has a secret bank account, sooner or later this information will come to light and this will also cause significant problems. Also, either of these issues would be indicative of larger underlying problems in the relationship that go deeper than money problems.

No Understanding About Each Partner's Role Regarding Money:
There needs to be an understanding about who is overseeing the couple's finances. This doesn't mean that it must be a rigid role and that these responsibilities cannot be shared or rotated every so often.

However, at any given time, the couple needs to agree as to which one of them is handling the various aspects of their finances, such as handling the checking account and paying the bills. Sometimes, one partner is better at it than the other and prefers to do it. This is fine--as long as each partner is completely knowledgeable about all aspects of their finances and would know how to handle them or where to find information in an emergency.

Avoid Getting Into Power Struggles About Money:
Often, when couples get into fights about money, it becomes a power struggle between them. Couples need to learn to communicate about money in a way that is respectful.

Talk to Your Spouse About Money:  Avoid Getting Into Power Struggle About Money

As I mentioned in a prior post, it's better to speak from your own experience ("I feel upset when you pay the mortgage late") than to be critical or verbally abusive ("I can't believe that you were so stupid that you forgot to pay the mortgage this month"). No cursing. No put downs. No hurling "dirty laundry" at your partner. Stick with the discussion at hand. If it becomes too heated, take a break and get back to it when you're both calm again.

Having long-term financial plans that you are both working on together can bring you and your partner closer together as you see progress over time towards your goals.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are fighting about money and you're unable to resolve it between you, you could benefit from marriage counseling.

I am a New York City psychotherapist and couples counselor in NYC. To find out more about me, visit my web site at Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to set up a consultation.

Tips on How to Stop Worrying

In my prior post, we explored chronic worrying, some of the more common reasons why people develop the habit of constantly worrying, and the negative consequences.

Habitual Worrying
Let's explore how you can become more aware of your negative habit of worrying all of the time and what you can do about it.

How to Stop Worrying

The Serenity Prayer is a wise prayer to remember. The 12 Step programs, like A.A., have adopted it, but it's valuable for everyone to remember:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference

Know what you can change:
If there's some action that you can take to improve your situation, do it. It will empower you and make you feel less afraid of whatever might happen. If you can't change it and there's nothing for you to do, then there's no use in worrying. Rather than railing against what you cannot change, it's better to accept it (assuming that it's not an abusive situation) and make peace with it.

Designate a time to worry:
This might sound funny, but it's better than spending all day and half the night worrying. Make a deal with yourself: You can worry each day for 15 mins. at whatever time you designate. If you feel yourself starting to worry either before that or after that, remind yourself of the deal that you made with yourself and stick to it.

Ask yourself: Realistically, what are the odds?
Step back from your situation and look at it as if you're someone else. If you look at it objectively and you think that the odds are high that your worst fears will come true, what, if any, positive steps can you take to mitigate the worst case scenario? If the odds are low, ask yourself if it's productive to keep worrying.

Think about prior times when you became overly worried and things turned out all right
Think about all the times that you became a nervous wreck and everything turned out just fine. Did your worrying have any impact on the situation? What did you learn from that situation and can it be applied to the current situation that you're worrying about now.

Think about if you are engaging in all or nothing thinking
For instance, do you tell yourself things like, "If I don't get everything that I want in this situation, I know I won't be happy with it at all."

Ask yourself if you are catastrophizing
Do you tend to expect the worst case scenario most of the time? Are you blowing the problem out of proportion?

Ask yourself if you tend to take a negative situation and then generalize it to all similar situations
For instance, do you have a tendency to say things to yourself like, "My last boyfriend was a jerk, so all men are jerks"?

Ask yourself if you tend to allow negative thoughts to overtake you
Do you tend to see the glass as half empty most of the time rather than half full?

Think about what, if anything, you're doing to manage your stress
Do you meditate or do yoga? Do you participate in a regular regime of exercise that is right for you? Do you listen to relaxing music? Do you talk to supportive friends and family? Do you go out for a walk at lunch time?

Getting professional mental health treatment
If you've tried all or most of these ideas to overcome chronic worrying and you still can't overcome this habit, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional that can help you to work through these issues.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation with me, call (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  How to Stop Worrying: What is Chronic Worrying?

Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying

How to Stop Worrying:  What is Chronic Worrying?

Are you a chronic worrier?
With all the economic uncertainty in the world today, many people are worried. However, there's a difference between worrying about a specific problem that spurs you to take action vs. chronic worrying that can paralyze you.

Chronic worrying usually doesn't help. In fact, not only does it not help, it often gets in the way and can have physical as well as emotional consequences.

What is chronic worrying?
If you engage in chronic worrying, you have a negative habit of worrying most of the time. You might be constantly thinking about the "what ifs" in situations where you feel you don't have control. You might also be filled with negative thoughts, anticipating the worst in situations. Breaking the worrying habit can be as difficult as breaking any other habit.

If You Engage in Chronic Worrying, You Have a Negative Habit of Worrying Most of the Time

Why do people engage in chronic worrying?
There are so many reasons--we would need pages and pages to explore them. Let's explore some of the more common reasons:

The illusion of feeling prepared and in control: Many people feel that if they worry about a problem constantly, they'll be more prepared in case their worst fears come true. Of course, this is an illusion. However, this type of distorted thinking can make it very hard to give up chronic worrying.

Worrying as a learned behavior: For many other people, they grew up in a household where their parents worried constantly and, as young children, they integrated this type of thinking without even realizing it.

The need for absolute certainty in an uncertain world: Many people also have a hard time dealing with uncertainty. They need to know what will happen, when it will happen, and how it will happen with as close to 100% certainty as they can get. As a result, these people worry almost all of the time.

What are the consequences of chronic worrying? Chronic worrying can cause insomnia as you toss and turn all night (see my prior post on insomnia). Insomnia, in turn, has negative consequences for your overall health and well being.

One of the Consequences of Chronic Worrying Can Be Insomnia

Chronic worrying can deplete your energy and result in physical problems. For some people, chronic worrying can lead to excessive drinking and drug abuse as a maladaptive way to get relief from stress.

It can make you feel irritable and cause arguments between you and your partner or you and your boss. Unrelenting worrying can also lead to problems with depression (see prior post:  What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?). 

There are so many other consequences. Suffice it to say, constant worrying usually doesn't lead to anything good.

In my next post, I'll discuss what you can do to overcome chronic worrying.

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  How to Stop Worrying: Steps You Can Take

Overcoming Procrastination

Just hearing the word "procrastination" is enough to make some people cringe with guilt and feel judged, defensive, and annoyed. Unpleasant memories of school papers not being turned in on time, missed deadlines at work, missed payments on credit cards, and other consequences of procrastination come to mind. 

Overcoming Procrastination

But before you decide to put off reading this article, take a deep breath and calm yourself. This article is not meant to judge--it's meant to provide helpful information that might help you to stop avoiding the things that you find unpleasant.

What is procrastination and why do people procrastinate?
Rest assured, you're not alone. Procrastination is a common psychological defense to avoid dealing with certain tasks, people, or situations.

I'm sure that we can all think of many examples, whether they're related to ourselves or to someone that we know: waiting until Christmas Eve to go Christmas shopping, putting off doing taxes until April 14th, receiving credit card bills and shoving them in a drawer and not paying until after the due date, avoiding having an important discussion with a spouse or partner, putting off going to the dentist, and so on.

In our rational minds, we know that avoiding the unpleasant task will only make it worse but, somehow, we trick ourselves into believing otherwise: "I'm too tired to do that now--I'll do it tomorrow" or "This can wait until after I watch my favorite TV show" or "I'm hungry. Let me me have something to eat first."

All the while, there's that wise part of us that is urging us to go ahead and take care of whatever needs to be done. But how often we ignore that wise part--usually to our detriment.

How to overcome procrastination
So what can we do about this?

First, when you feel the "competing parts" in your mind in conflict about what to do, learn to listen to that wise part of yourself that usually knows what's right for you.

Overcoming Procrastination

This usually takes practice, especially if you've become accustomed to ignoring that part in favor of the other parts who urge you to avoid handling important matters. You might need to start by "sending" those well-meaning but, ultimately, misguided parts on "a vacation" in your mind's eye.

You might say, "What does she mean by that?" But if you think about it for a moment, you'll realize that it's not unusual for all of us to have mixed and competing feelings about many situations where we have to make decisions about what to do (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Can Empower You).

Usually, we'll weigh the pros and cons in our minds to come up with a decision. When we make decisions that are not good for us, we usually know on some level because the wise part of us is gentling nudging us to take another course of action.

But how easy it is to ignore that wise part. So, I'm suggesting that, rather than giving in to those well-meaning parts that urge us to avoid, invite them to step back and take "a vacation."

In your mind's eye, send them to Tahiti for a much-needed rest. And while they're sunning themselves on the beach and having Pina Coladas, allow the wise part of yourself to have a stronger voice in your decisions. The well-meaning parts will be back soon enough to challenge the wise part and you might need to send them on another vacation for a while.

In the meantime, listening to the wise part of yourself, take a large task and break it down into smaller, more manageable subtasks.

Write it down. Be specific.

Now, talk to a friend about the task and make a commitment to your friend as to when you will complete each of these subtasks. Ask him or her to write it down.

Overcoming Procrastination:  Make a Commitment

Now, a word about how to choose the person who will be holding you accountable: Choose someone who will be supportive but firm. Don't choose your friend who is "very nice" but who won't challenge you a little if you need it. Also, don't choose someone who will be too bossy about it. Either extreme isn't good.

Once you've chosen a friend, offer to help your friend with something that he or she might be avoiding. Plan in advance when you and your friend will have your check-in session (by phone or in person) to talk about how you fared in terms of completing the subtasks. Also, plan to give yourself a small reward for each subtask that you complete. (If you don't complete the subtask, no reward.)

If you don't complete the subtask or if you completed part of it but not all of it, don't berate yourself or give up. Just make a new agreement with your friend and stick with it. Often, starting is the hardest part, so once you're on a roll, you may find yourself on an upward spiral, creating new and healthy habits by tackling situations that you used to avoid.

When Procrastination is a Sign of Deeper Issues
Sometimes, procrastination is not just avoidance but a sign of more complex problems like unresolved trauma, depression, anxiety or problems that you're unaware of because they're unconscious.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you follow the tips offered above, but you find that you continue to have an ingrained and persistent pattern of procrastination with detrimental consequences in your personal or work life, you could benefit from dealing with these issues with a licensed mental health professional to understand and work through them.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

To find out more, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also see my article:  
Overcoming Procrastination and the Need for Certainty in an Uncertain World